I stand guard

I reevaluate myself fairly often. Am I being honest? Am I being kind? Am I being true to my beliefs? Am I letting the stress of life get to me? Am I making decisions based on fear?

It’s why no matter who says something to me, but especially if it’s someone I love, and whether it’s a compliment or a complaint I take a beat to listen and evaluate it.

I do this not to drive myself into neurosis, but to stand guard against the corruption of my soul.

Because I am the gatekeeper.

Others may have influence, others play a part, but ultimately I am the final authority on the trajectory it takes.

Contrary to the excuses and justifications people like to use to excuse their behavior; circumstances and opportunities play only a small part.

They open and close doors but it is I who decide to go through them or not. It is I who decide, whether consciously or not which way my moral compass points.

And I wish it were as easy as setting it and being done forever.

But this life challenges one constantly, continually to choose. And those choices have repercussions we don’t get to always see or understand.

Which is why I stand guard against the corruption of my own morality.

I stand guard against my own laziness.

I stand guard against my own greed.

I stand guard against my own bitterness.

Because I don’t want to be caught off guard. And I don’t want to let myself slip into an abyss of complacency.

Unfortunately, it takes work to do this and it takes sacrifices. Because the easy way is not usually the correct way.

And I sometimes lament my own stances, because they cause me difficulties, because they can be hard to stomach.

Especially when others who don’t seem to have standards to live by seem to get much farther ahead and have more fun.

But ultimately, I am proud of who I am. I sleep well at night. My heart is at peace. My mind isn’t wheeling and dealing it’s way through life trying to get ahead at any price. I have a mostly peaceful inner life.

And those things are valuable to me beyond measure.

Is it easy?

Sometimes yes, sometimes very much no.

But it’s worth it.

I suppose if it was truly easy to have integrity and valor this world wouldn’t be in the mess it is now though. Would it?

All I can do here is my part, my best.

Do I fail sometimes?

Yes, miserably so.

But I pick myself up and keep going. Because I believe in myself. I believe in my beliefs. I believe in the value of compassion and truth and I try to hold myself accountable for my own actions.

I stand guard because no one else can truly stand guard for me and I take it on because it is one of the few fights in this world truly worth dying for…. the very breath of my soul.

I don’t count myself better than others for this challenge I take on. If anything it probably paints me in the light of a martyr, which I am not trying to be.

But everyone must pick a battle in life, whether we choose to acknowledge that or not. And while not all battles are worthwhile I have not been given the duty to judge them, nor do I want it.

The world is vast, our choices innumerable. Our lives are our own adventures and we must choose wisely.

So I stand guard as my way to guide myself because no matter how bleak or how many shiny objects I’m presented with, there is always a choice.

And the best way I’ve found to choose wisely is by following my heart and the soft whisper of my own soul.

I hope you find your own path to inner peace.


Voice of reason

I was wondering today why I have been surrounded by narcissist, pessimists and bitter people my entire life. I realize the world is full of them and they can’t be avoided but I seem to have close and inescapable relationships with them since birth.

Why, I can’t say for sure. But I do firmly believe we are all where we are for a reason.

And I think….

now more than ever the world needs voices of calm, reason, peace and acceptance. The world needs to be reminded of how much love we all carry in our hearts and that kindness and consideration can be and should be extended to everyone.

I know we can all be and have all been narcissistic, pessimistic, selfish, childish, irrational beings at one time or another. So we all understand those feelings and know how detrimental they can be. We know how insidious they can become.

And it’s up to each and every one of us to not just guard against it taking up root within ourselves but also be a beacon of hope to others mired in it.

We don’t do this through self-righteousness, lectures or taking harsh stands. We do this by example. Showing an example of the kindness we wish to see. Showing an example of the wisdom we wish to impart. Showing an example of the benefits of kindness.

And that’s why I suppose I’m here now. Why I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through. Why I’ve learned the lessons I have. To stand here today and be a voice of reason, even if only to myself.

Or maybe I have just had a shitty life because I’ve had a shitty life. Lol. Who’s to really say. And who’s to really care.

I’m not even complaining really, just making observations and trying to see some benefit and reasoning to it all.

It’s hard to grasp that sometimes, but being grateful helps clear some fog away and at least make things bearable and sometimes even enjoyable.

But then again I’ve always had a bit of a martyr streak in me. Which I’ve made peace with. And it makes me laugh when I take a stand for something, because I generally do it without any forethought. I just do what I think needs to be done.

Some fights I’m willing to pursue. Some hills I’m willing to die on. They give my life meaning and worth, even though they at times cost me greatly.

But hey…no one comes out of this life thing unscathed. Do they? 🤣🤣🤣