Own it

I want to own it.

I want to own everything.

It may not all be that desirable (by societal standards), but this is me and if anyone should appreciate me in all my nuances…. it should be me.

Right?

I’m a bit of a chunk right now. But I see other women who are fat, plump, curvy, whatever you want to call it and I never disparage them. I can see their humanity, their beauty and character and I can see beyond what is deemed acceptable.

So why am I holding myself to those same standards, which I don’t truly believe in?

I get that instinctually men are attracted to hourglass figures and other physical attributes that are seen as depictions of health to ensure offspring survival.

I also get that their ego drives them to want someone that will raise their status.

But.

My offspring days are done and I can’t compete with 20 year olds nor should I be expected to, nor do I want to.

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In an ideal world I want to get married again and have a lifelong partner.

I’ve had a lot of fun since being divorced these last 4 years. I have played a lot and experienced things I never even dreamed of, sexually and also spiritually.

And I feel I’m ready for something real and powerful. I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it all out there. At least I think I’m ready.

I see these women that own their body “flaws”, like Lizzo and I think absolutely yes, go girl. I am awed by their self esteem. And then I see them lose weight, like Rebel Wilson. Which is their prerogative and I can’t fault them for trying to be healthier and look and feel better. But it adds to the mixed messages.

Truthfully, I’m just not feeling super sexy right now. So….. I hid my dating profile. That lasted all of 14 hours. Probably would have been less if I hadn’t slept through most of that. I was going to have to buy the app to see who liked me and it didn’t seem worth it.

I want to start hitting the gym. I need to get some decent pictures of myself. Then I’ll revisit it.

But even more importantly I need to work on owning it. Owning myself and loving and enjoying myself with all my many flaws and beauty.

Yes

Yes I do

🙏🏽🌈🌏🥰✌🏽❣️🤗💋

Know exactly what you want or wait and see what presents itself?

This has always been an interesting juxtaposition to me.

Do you stand firm in what you want and pursue it fiercely?

Or do you go with the flow, see what presents and decide if that will do?

I lean towards the latter, but I think that lends me to be too accommodating sometimes.

As far as my love life goes……

if I were to choose to be in a power exchange relationship, then it very much needs to be the former.

However, being Domme is a lot of work. It comes with many benefits and it is satisfying on many levels, but it is still work. The only way for that to not feel like work is to be deeply compelled through infatuation/obsession and it’s very rare for me to feel that. Not impossible or even improbable, simply rare.

I actually really want to start dating again, but almost solely as an experiment on myself. Who am I attracted to? What is my subconscious pushing me towards? I am so very curious to see and gauge my own evolution. Have I progressed at all?

I am resigned to accept wherever it is I am in this journey of healing. I am ready to dole out ample compassion for myself because I am not overly optimistic about where I currently am, truthfully.

Yet I have very thankfully managed to walk myself out of some fires or be pushed/pulled out, I can’t differentiate right now. But how many more times am I willing to put myself through that?

I don’t have answers, only questions and hypotheses.

I’m definitely not ready right this moment to test it. I have things I really want to work on. I have a lot more inner work to do, more healing.

I want to reach a place where I am completely comfortable and absolutely in love with myself, not in a vain and selfish way, but in a very loving and supportive way. I want to be my own biggest fan and have the emotional foundation for myself to be the best I can be, without needing outside assurances of who that is. But knowing for myself who am and being happy and at peace with that.

Who knows where this road of life leads? Right now, I’m going to try to make the most of the time I have in this body, in this time period, in this world. I’m not gonna push forward any agenda of who I am, what the world is, or how things should be.

I’m going to keep to the path that promotes my own inner happiness and remain humble through the many blessings (I hope) life continues to bring me.

And that’s enough for right now. Right?

🥰🙏🏽🌏🌈✌🏽💖💋