Thankful

There are always things to be thankful for.

I had read that people were starting family pods during this homeschool situation; where they hire a teacher for a small group of their children to have a very small private school sort of experience.

It allows children to still be social, allows for an accredited teacher to make sure they are where they need to be, and ensures that there is limited exposure since it is the same small group coming together day after day.

It’s a luxury that I didn’t give any more thought to after reading about it. Except now my youngest has been invited to join one. These families know my financial position and have let me join with no cost. It’s a blessing I never anticipated but one I am so very grateful for.

The little one has suffered greatly from lack of socializing and online school is obviously online and honestly she just doesn’t need any more screen time in her life. I’m seriously tortured by how much she has now, already.

And I cried when they invited us to join. A school mate’s mom is a teacher and she has space in her home to make a classroom. So 3 days a week for about 5 hours a day they will meet to have class. I hope it works out for everyone. I also hope they’ll let me help or contribute in some way.

I was so excited I called my mom. Which I should have known was going to be a mistake. She asked a few questions and then I heard the envy bordering on anger in her voice as she dismissed the whole thing. As if to say no one every helped her when she was in my position and she wasn’t happy for me.

I know how hard she had it. No family around, no friends, never one to ask for help, even when she needed it. My father never even paid child support. She put herself through night school to get her master’s degree and tried to care for me as best she could.

Her job while stable never promoted her because she was a female, let alone a black female in a very traditional Japanese owned company. She even had to train her male superiors at various points because she knew their job so well.

I don’t let her bitterness get to me. I don’t take it personal. I know she loves me in her own way, at least that’s what I choose to believe.

I guess the silver lining is that it makes it really easy to find comedy in it when people insult me. Because, as I told some random Domme that didn’t like my stances on various things when I first started my blog.

“I’ve been told much worse by people I actually care about. So if your intention is to hurt me you’ll have to try much harder. I’m just being myself here, trying to be honest and real and if you don’t like what I’m saying, feel free to move along.”

And she did. Probably because she saw that I’m not easily baited and I really didn’t give a crap about what she had to say.

So having a bitter, judgemental mom that can’t show affection in any way comes in handy for something. And I’m still grateful for her. She is who she is and I accept her that way. What’s the option? Hate her, ignore her, put her in her place?

Nope. That’s not me. She is my mother and I will always respect her. That’s she’s never been capable of being who I needed her to be is something I’ve learned to forgive her for, even though she’s never asked for it and never will. I never intend on bringing it up. She is who she is for a reason. Aren’t we all? 🤷🏽‍♀️

🌈🌏✌🏽🥰🤗❣️💋

And it’s the first. Rent day. So grateful for that too. Hoping that makes life a little more bearable.

Battle of the sexes – cleaning

I’ve been very fortunate to have people available and wanting to help me during this transition period in my life.

My daughter’s best friends entire family came to help me set up for the garage sale one afternoon. Several neighbors have lent me their teenagers at a very reasonable rate to help me organize, clean and move things. I’ve also contacted Voz, which is a local company that hires out day laborers, for the deep clean.

I have used them quite a bit since moving to Portland. Overall with great results. Unfortunately they have mostly all male workers so trying to get a female is hit and miss. Which is unfortunate. Not that I don’t think men can clean. They can and do an excellent job because they have more brute force and are very detail oriented, but women (to me) seem much more efficient.

Maybe that has to do with time management skills or experience but the women don’t necessarily outperform the men, they are just more expedient and need less oversight. But all this is just generally speaking of course.

Voz charges $17 an hour and all the money goes directly to the worker and I get that these are men having to feed their families and that they are willing to come and clean but it isn’t that affordable when they take a long time and need to be supervised and moved along.

They are really great at heavy labor though and this is an intense little cleanup I have to get done and I need to save as many pennies as I can right now. So let’s hope for the best and I’ll just strap on my supervisor pack.

Then I have very fortunately crossed paths with a great local handyman that is super nice and very skilled and he only charges me $25/hr which I am super grateful for.*

There are nice people in the world. There are win/wins where everyone benefits in their one way, meeting their own needs. Some people genuinely like to help, which I completely comprehend and appreciate greatly.

And I’m thankful that’s how we humans are. It’s our generosity, kindness and connection that defines our best attributes. I could focus on the bad ones, but that never makes me happy and being grateful for the good truly does.

Because we can be such beautiful creatures, all of us; male, female and all the in betweens. Lol

🌏🌈✌🏽🥰🙏🏽❣️

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I’ve noted since living here that labor in Portland is paid higher than California, even though the cost of living is now about on par. And Oregon is one of the most expensive states for childcare, which speaks to either a lack of workers or an appreciation for the work people do and for children. I like to think it’s the latter reason but I haven’t really looked into it. Lol

Voice of reason

I was wondering today why I have been surrounded by narcissist, pessimists and bitter people my entire life. I realize the world is full of them and they can’t be avoided but I seem to have close and inescapable relationships with them since birth.

Why, I can’t say for sure. But I do firmly believe we are all where we are for a reason.

And I think….

now more than ever the world needs voices of calm, reason, peace and acceptance. The world needs to be reminded of how much love we all carry in our hearts and that kindness and consideration can be and should be extended to everyone.

I know we can all be and have all been narcissistic, pessimistic, selfish, childish, irrational beings at one time or another. So we all understand those feelings and know how detrimental they can be. We know how insidious they can become.

And it’s up to each and every one of us to not just guard against it taking up root within ourselves but also be a beacon of hope to others mired in it.

We don’t do this through self-righteousness, lectures or taking harsh stands. We do this by example. Showing an example of the kindness we wish to see. Showing an example of the wisdom we wish to impart. Showing an example of the benefits of kindness.

And that’s why I suppose I’m here now. Why I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through. Why I’ve learned the lessons I have. To stand here today and be a voice of reason, even if only to myself.

Or maybe I have just had a shitty life because I’ve had a shitty life. Lol. Who’s to really say. And who’s to really care.

I’m not even complaining really, just making observations and trying to see some benefit and reasoning to it all.

It’s hard to grasp that sometimes, but being grateful helps clear some fog away and at least make things bearable and sometimes even enjoyable.

But then again I’ve always had a bit of a martyr streak in me. Which I’ve made peace with. And it makes me laugh when I take a stand for something, because I generally do it without any forethought. I just do what I think needs to be done.

Some fights I’m willing to pursue. Some hills I’m willing to die on. They give my life meaning and worth, even though they at times cost me greatly.

But hey…no one comes out of this life thing unscathed. Do they? 🤣🤣🤣