Decisions, decisions….. what decisions? (cabin fever)

I called my mom. I was on the fence about doing a local online speed dating event. She said “no, absolutely not”. Told me I was too busy and to just keep sleeping with Brad, at least until the pandemic dies down.

I didn’t want to explain to her that the Trump lover and I have not been getting along that well and haven’t seen each other in a bit. Just nothing no one wants to hear and I don’t feel like rehashing that old roller coaster saga.

Then I mentioned to the kids getting out of here for a month as soon as they formalize the no in person school thing. Told them we can drive down to CA and stay in an apartment close to the beach, maybe visit some family and friends. Which I grant you is very irresponsible during a pandemic. Especially driving into a hot spot.

But I’m grasping at straws trying to find something to look forward to, because more of what we are enduring now just seems abysmal to me.

But only one of the kids was on board. The other has her boyfriend leaving to go to college next month and the third won’t go anywhere without her cat and just refuses to leave; citing new friends and the comfort of home. She has always been my homebody child. So that got squelched too. Back to square zero.


Just here.

Plugging away at the days. Waiting for an epidemic to end. Waiting for an opportunity to present itself. Waiting for a love I’m unsure will ever show up.

I’m generally, genuinely a very patient, hopeful, centered person. But right now I feel a bit disconnected from my life. Like it’s happening all to me and I’m not really participating much in it. And I need to regain some semblance of control over this chaos. The chaos within at least. The one that is tapping me on the shoulder saying “come on, shake things up, do something, let’s go!”.

Because every day is starting to feel like every other day right now, akin to groundhogs day.

And while I have plenty of things to do, I have zero motivation to do any of them.

I know what I need. I need to stay strong, keep motivating myself, finding the calm within.

I think maybe I will add a meditation session during the day now. That’s something beneficial I can easily do. I think that will help, although I’m not exactly sure how. Currently I meditate when I wake up and when I go to sleep. The first let’s me enter the day calmly before turning on my phone, looking at my to do list or engaging with the world.

The latter lets me exit the day calmly and sleep much better. Sometimes I need to go over my thoughts, moods, actions and what transpired during the day before feeling at ease. Which isn’t always comfortable or quick but I’ve grown to find it vital towards sleeping well. And meditating helps me see and process it all without judgement.

I don’t have a lot of control over things right now so the best thing to do is stay calm and do the best I can with what’s presented…… and find peace with that.

May we all find peace within.