is the opposite of playing Devil’s advocate. I don’t paint the bleakest picture to try to be grounded in reality. I try to make room to allow for grace and compassion for things; most especially for myself.
I find so much in life people put these extraordinary pressures on themselves. Which leads not just to inordinate amounts of stress, but isn’t really fun and doesn’t allow for happiness.
My end point, beginning point and middle point is always trying to find bliss. Looking for the silver lining or allowing whatever is to simply be without imposing any additional grievances onto it, let’s one find the pleasure in life.
I do this naturally. Trying to always look for the bright side, the positive spin, where I can shed some light and change the landscape in my own mind, as well as for whoever I’m talking to.
But, I never even realized I do this until very recently. I mean, I know I do it for myself; I just never realized I also do it for others.
Maybe it’s that Brad isn’t occupying any space in my head right now. Maybe it’s that I have a lot more time on my hands for reflection. But I’ve noticed things about myself lately; some positive and some meddlesome things. Things I had never noticed before.
As if I’m really getting to know myself, my deep inner workings. And for the most part I’m really enjoying the journey.
The other day as I lay in the bathtub enjoying the warmth of the water it struck me that I’ve been carrying this negativity towards myself.
I found within myself a voice that was very oppressive and hurtful. This voice comes out whenever something good happens to me and tells me “oh….look at you, you got your way again, didn’t you?”, as if I was tricking the universe into doing nice things for me that I didn’t deserve. And this voice leaves me feeling like I am getting away with something; like I am an unworthy fraud.
I was able to recognize immediately where that voice grew from. I had someone in my very young childhood who was (is) very jealous of me and because of this they made me feel undeserving and mischievous for getting anything they felt I should not have gotten.
And I developed this way of seeing myself. Yet when I stop and look deep within I see that at my core I am a very grateful person and there is absolutely no reason I should feel like I am being deceptive or am not meritous of the things I receive and achieve in life.
I’m still unraveling this one, but I had never seen or even understood this aspect of my own psyche before. And this mental block has hindered me greatly in life for no good reason really and now, that I can clearly see it, I can begin allowing myself to truly enjoy and accept everything life gives me. Knowing I am deserving. Knowing that I don’t keep score and that I’m not out to “get as much as I can” from anyone.
I’m just living my life. I am not a covetous person. I never have been. So to carry that kind of resentment and burden against myself that someone threw onto me was so unnecessary.
And while I feel greatly relieved to see this pattern, come to terms with it and allow myself the space and time to heal it; I also can’t believe it took me all this time.
But I’ll allow myself grace and compassion and as much as it hurt, to see this baggage I carried that wasn’t even truly mine to begin with; now that I can put it down I know this is probably just the beginning.
I asked for a spiritual path to open up to me and here it is. I also asked for ease and in some aspects I have received it, but when it comes to inner workings and healing I suppose there is no shortcut. We have to see, understand and take on the pain to heal it. And I suppose that’s as uncomfortable as one lets it be.
Onwards we go. Wonder what else we will find. Life is quite the adventure ❣️