Not sure what to make of it

It’s been on my mind since yesterday. What does it mean? Does it mean anything at all? What are the chances?

I was on the couch watching the Avengers. I had decided to watch all the Marvel movies in order. Some I’ve seen, some I don’t mind seeing again. Most I haven’t seen. The youngest tells me she hates “Marvel”. We don’t use that word. It’s kind of a no-no word. Hate is saved for extreme things as a calculated decision of true severity, not just thrown around. So I asked her to explain.

She said I was being consumed by the Marvel world. I laughed. I was indeed a bit of a couch potato yesterday, but we had already played rumikube, done school work and hung out and talked. Still…..she was obviously bored. So I turned off the TV and she brought out a deck of cards.

We played garbage. It’s a mindless game that I enjoy. It goes quick. It’s easy. And the complaining is generally minimal to none.

After a few rounds I decided we were going to play some psychic training games. I shuffled the deck laid 5 cards in front of her, one by one, and asked her to guess the color; red or black. She actually liked the game and she averaged about 3/5 right.

Then she did it on me. I was swift. I went with my first thought. I had answers before she even laid the cards down. I was having fun. Not trying to prove anything. I got all 5 wrong. Lol

I was a bit surprised. All 5 wrong had to be just as difficult as all 5 right. It intrigued me. And as we were talking more about it my middle child came to see what the fuss was all about.

We explained the game and what had just happened. She laughed and we got her to join us. She averaged about the same as her sister and then she did it to me. I did it exactly the same way; quickly without hesitation. This time I got all 5 right. Curiouser and curiouser.

So then we amped it up. I took out all the numbers 1-4. Then I asked them to guess which number. This was much harder and even I matched them at getting a few wrong. Interestingly we all seemed to have issues with the number 4 specifically. Maybe I should have only used 1-3 to start.

I like to think that in life we can get answers even from the most mundane occurences. We can see patterns. We can get new ideas. We can see new things. That our experiences are limited only by our own blinders.

I’m genuinely unsure what to make of our little game, but it was fun.

————

I have been calling my mother more consistently because she has been very sick recently. She prefers video chats so I oblige her. She never has anything nice to say. Yesterday she was telling me how bad I look. “It’s time to dye your hair.” “You’re letting yourself go.” on and on. I kept telling her I don’t really care. I don’t care to date anymore and I don’t care to change my appearance to please anyone else.

She didn’t seem to comprehend. She insists I’m still young enough to change my life around and set my future up to be better. This is in direct reference to her life and how horrible it is, of course.

—–

Brad has been contacting me trying to get back into my world. I have not responded. My mother, of course, wants me to return to him. I believe she sees him as some sort of meal ticket. And her excuse is “well, it’s not like you won’t end up together again. You always fight.”

Yes but…. this time, not only did he break up with me, he said some vile and nasty things. Things that were completely unnecessary. I’m not sure how much he meant them. At the time he said them I believe he meant it all. Since then he has obviously retracted the sentiments. But the damage has been done.

It’s one thing for me to break up with him and quite another for him to go unhinged on me like that. I’m not into it. I don’t need the drama or negativity. I don’t need the headaches.

Maybe one day I’ll find someone that I can be in symbiosis with; where we both respect, encourage, nurture, love and appreciate each other and communicate well together. Why that seems like a tall ask is beyond me. But I’ll keep hope alive. I’m just not pursuing it actively anymore. Lol

And so it is.💋

🙏🏽🌏🌈🥰✌🏽🌌❣️

I forgive you

For being cruel and unkind

For being unjust and uncivilized

For mistreating me even when I did nothing to provoke it

For not letting me be just be

For the constant judgement

For the ridicule

For the pain

For the frustration

And the fear you instilled in me

For the senseless attacks

For almost killing me

For all the difficulties

For all the distress and heartache

I forgive you world

I truly do

And I love you

——-

I do this because to me it’s the only way to truly live a life worth living; to live a life free of emotion shackles.

I don’t want to be bitter and angry. I don’t want to distrust. I don’t want to become cruel and hardened. I don’t want to live in constant frustration, regret, disenchantment, sadness.

I want to choose happiness…

although I know every choice comes with consequences.

I’m just hoping, praying and giving thanks…….for the consequences that are miraculous.

🙏🏽🌏🌈✌🏽💖🥰💋

Irrational hatred / the moment it happened

I have an irrational hatred of being lied to. I say irrational because it is inevitable. Lying seems second nature to some people and most everyone lies; whether it’s to themselves, habitually, selectively or occasionally.

Now if I include lies of omission those numbers crank up even higher. And I’m not even broaching little white lies.

Most all the travesties in my life began with lies; specifically lies and omissions by others.

I myself suffer from something I call Instant Karma. I do. I have my whole life. One of my daughters does as well. This means that there is no use lying because we get caught immediately. This means when we do something we know is cruel, unjust, unkind, unwarranted we suffer immediate repurcussions.

I credit this with teaching me at a very young age that lying doesn’t pay. But most people don’t suffer Instant Karma. Most people can’t connect the dots of life bitch slapping them around because much like dogs, unless you show them the consequences to something immediately or take them back to the scene of the crime they don’t understand why they are being punished and their behavior doesn’t change.

There really isn’t much I absolutely hate in life. Obviously on a global level I can’t stand cruelty, violence, injustice and greed, but on a personal level nothing makes me fly off the handle faster and with more fury than being lied to.

Most especially by those I love. The people I closely share my life with, that know me well. Those whom I treat with respect and have expectations of being treated in kind.

I should logically, for my own sanity, probably adjust my expectations. People lie. I should expect this. But I can’t and I won’t. I won’t indulge people with that permission. Nope; sorry. I won’t give anyone a pass, not even myself.

——–+–

I was remembering the exact moments in time I fell in love with the men I’ve had love affairs with in my life.

One I was good friends with. I always denied we would or could be more, but then one day in drunken stupor we kissed, and at that moment I knew we were indeed much more.

Another told me a story. The humility and depth of emotion in his simple story was all it took. We had already been dialoguing via messaging service for a while. But this was my first real encounter with him and after his simple, eloquent, Gomer Pile story I was hooked.

All it took another one was a smile that melted right into my heart. We hadn’t even spoken a word until then. We lived in the same apartment building and passed each other without much fanfare. But one day as we crossed paths he smiled this smile that seemed to light up the whole world and I was drawn like a moth to a flame.

And lastly, we were enjoying some small talk. Just trying to get to know each other. I shared something simple about myself and he delved deeper and cut right to the heart of what I was saying. He was really listening and engaged and showed his intellect and warmth. I was all in, right on the spot, after that.

It’s just funny to me that I can pinpoint and remember all the details of when I started loving these men. I can put myself back there and feel all those same feelings; the butterflies, the heart pacing, the head swelling, the certainty.

I still consider myself a sapiosexual, but maybe this proves that one just never knows what it will be or who it will be until it becomes so.

I’m truly looking forward to my next love affair. Who knows though? I’m fine alone. And I’d much rather be alone than in bad company. Not that those are the only options fortunately. But, I’m in no rush. I just want to enjoy the next chapters of my life; however they come and whoever they come with. Lol

💋🙏🏽🌏🥰