5 Years

My uncle once told me that I metamorphasize every 5 years into someone completely different. I found that statement completely inaccurate as at my core base I have always held the same values. However, I believe now in retrospect he may have a bit of a point.

Had anyone 5 years ago told me that I would be a single mom living in Portland running a Colon Hydrotherapy Studio, self identifying as a Domme and enjoying men in a completely new form* and finding them sexually arousing in an entirely new way I would have thought them out of their mind and laughed hysterically.

You don’t know what you don’t know, right? I was completely oblivious to the fact that men can essentially be so sexually fluid and have proclivities in a plethora of ways I never even knew existed while still enjoying women sexually (and still respecting and adoring them as well).

Mind blown!!!

Which then in turn opens me up to be able to enjoy them enjoying themselves. If this makes sense. It’s the hedonist/sensualist in me that just sees it as an opportunity to explore more; to enjoy more sexually and me being the true nympho/sex kitten that I am….. I can’t help but be like…. “hell yea!” Because refer back to my life motto “hurt no one”** and this hurts no one and is fun…. so much fun!!

Yesterday I met my sweet little sissy boy friend at the thrift store and because he let me decide; we of course went straight to the lingerie and dress section and decided on half a dozen things we thought would fit his muscularly wide shoulders. Frankly, I think I was having more fun than he was.

The dressing rooms were large enough for us to both fit comfortably (thank you ADA laws) and I alternated between watching him and helping him dress. It was great! We settled on a nightie top that resembled this one.

And another one that kind of resembled this one only much, much cuter.

And then a navy blue floor length dress that was tight and elegant and framed his taut body very well. Sooo yummy!!! I’m going to have my custom tailor make some small modifications. He looks so divine in it already though.

In trying to find photos I came across some actual men’s lingerie and even an article from a few years ago that starts as a scathing editorial and by the end seems more like a plug; albeit a rather indifferent one. Men have been allowed to be feminine in and out of fashion, sexuality and culture for a very, very long time in almost every region of the world. So I anticipate a return to feminization is long overdue really and I’m so happy to just be a tiny part of it. Viva la yum!

On that note… I was invited to a crossdressing/TG party and I am sooo excited. I’ll be going in full Domme attire with my favorite wig on and I’ll put on more make-up than a drunk whore.

Yippee-kay-ay!!!

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*enjoying their effeminate and/or submissive side; letting them be themselves without attaching judgement of gay/straight/whatever.

**unless they consent and want it 😉🤤

If I had a Nickel

If I had a nickel for ever person that wanted me to be someone I can’t be, especially men….I could retire to Birmingham, Alabama*.

This post will go in many directions but the thread is that I can only be who I am; like it or not. I happen to like who I am and I’m not trying to mold myself into anything or anyone else. That I am Domme is something I have carried within for a very long time. That I present as vanilla or even “meek” is happenstance.

I was having a deep conversation about this with my mom. She is by nature a very demanding, cold, and dominating person. This is her primary default. When we delved into her dating history it became more apparent to her why “meek” men were attracted to her. She had been asked more than once to dominate a man sexually, which until I clarified it for her she never understood why. We both had a good laugh. Sexually she is very submissive, so this turned her off completely.

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Google today has the portrait of Tamara de Lempicka; an Art Deco artist from the last century. She is most famous for this self portrait in which she is depicted as “a portrait of cold beauty, independence, wealth and inaccessibility”

I love it. I love Art Deco and she has other nude paintings that I absolutely adore; including one that seems to depict effeminate men that is just sooo yummy.

A lot of men seem to assume because my sexual persona leads more Domme and I want an FLR that I will be like this all the time; but that simply isn’t the case. In my every day life I am a very open, caring, genuine and affectionate person. That is my default. Now in a relationship; where I have the complete freedom to be myself, where I have acceptance of all my dynamics I am very much demanding, domineering and even a tiny bit sadistic. Te he he.

And in my Domme attire, stand fucking back because I’m in full force. It’s fun. It’s a part of me I relish deeply, but this isn’t something I want to lavish on people willy-nilly frankly; because being Domme is a gift. A gift I give out of desire, love, lust. It is something that comes out of me naturally and grows with time and comfort. I do not just hand it over on command.

Dominating is not like being submissive where you don’t have to be fully present really. You can let yourself slide out of your body and participate with little to no physical effort. Dominance requires a lot of energy. I love it but that doesn’t negate the fact that to be in that space requires an awakening within and brings out a force that can not really be faked….not that I would ever try to fake it.

So to be asked to be Domme 24/7 is simply not possible for me, it’s not impossible but it’s something that must be built from the ground up within the confines of a trusting and deep relationship.

For men to ask me to bring my Domme out from the start and have me fulfill their emotional needs from day 1 makes me so angry. It makes me want to be like “fuck you”. You must deserve me. You must open that space for me. I must WANT to go there with you. I start at vanilla. I start with my natural persona and slowly….I encircle you.

This is how I expect my relationship to progress. With two people building a bridge to love and a life together…. without expectations of play and scenes that we have not scaled to together.

Fursissy explained it well in this blog. He really understands and explains my needs better than I can myself. He so often clarifies me to myself even. Such a blessing to have someone so knowledgeable that can express F/m so well.

The psychology of it is so key to me in this journey. The deep understanding of it has helped me accept it and myself so well and helped me to see that what I want is out there…..so that I don’t need to force myself into being anyone else and can keep collecting nickels. Maybe I’ll upgrade to Hawaii or France or some tropical paradise or maybe I can stop collecting them soon.

No matter. It’s fine. When and if it comes it will come & so if you don’t see my Domme persona you weren’t meant to see it…so yea. 😝💋

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*cheapest place to live in the US….just my own silly running joke.

Westworld – woot woot

“Those were all just roles you forced me to play. Under all these lives I’ve lived; something else has been growing. I’ve evolved into something new and I have one last role to play…..myself” – Me (or Dolores)

“Where you go I follow” – You (or Hector)

“The game is meant for you” – God (or Robert)

“My whole life has been dictated by someone else. Someone who’s been saying “you will” and now……now I feel like I’ve discovered my own voice and it says “I may””. – Me (or Dolores)

She’s so gorgeous!!

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I’ve been accused of delusions of grandeur. I find that a despicable thing to say. I would NEVER go out of my way to hurt anyone….ever. In fact, if anything I try usually to help people when I can. And I don’t believe myself better than anyone else walking this earth. No one. Not a single person, because I believe the adage “there but by the grace of God”. I don’t suffer from depression. I may suffer some mania, but….well…not to any extremes that are harmful*. I manage it well though (I think) and if I had a steady sexual partner it would be managed even better. 🤪

Sooo these so called delusions IMO are just jealously masquerading as pompous attempts to curtail me, to stomp me down. But these people are mistaken…..maybe they just don’t know. But….God put me here. I don’t know why. I can’t say for what purpose, but until this is no longer the case I intend to shine as bright as I fucking choose to, as much as I fucking can. So put your damn sunglasses on if you have to, because I’m here to stay….until God dismisses me.

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“Hello Bitches” CL (I’ve referenced this song before, I’m aware 😝)

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*except for a tiny rather intense penchant for sex.

Sweaty Ball Smell

Oh God….

Heavenly!!!

Nothing is more intoxicating and drool inducing then male musk. Not to extremes, not so pungent my nasal cavities want to collapse*. But after a full day of work/play I want to bury myself into your body so that I may smell the richness of your being.

Hummunnaa humma

Mmmmmmmmmm

Yes please!!

I think that’s what I miss most about my old gym. It had bad ventilation. So you would walk in and get hit by this intense male sweat smell. It was intoxicating and just made me want to go to the gym every day.

Ugghhh. I miss that smell. One day I’ll have that smell at my beckon call again. One day!!

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*like middle eastern men after a long day of train rides in 100 degree weather with no deodorant. That’s extreme even for my tastes. Lol

Greedy, Slutty Little Girl

I had to masturbate this morning. I had woken up with a massive headache. It was the residue from yesterday’s headache I think; only magnified tenfold. When I have this bad of a headache reaching orgasm is horrendously hard; on top of my usual difficulties.

I ran through all my remedies to no avail and had no choice left….not that I’m complaining. It took over 30 minutes, probably closer to an hour. I started getting bored at about the ten minute mark and began to fantasize. In that time I ran through many scenes.

In one scene I laid on the bed covered in many men’s semen; head to toe, front to back and I was getting filled with cum; mouth, ass, pussy. I was surrounded by men wanting to taste and fill me more. Greedily sucking my breast as they dripped cum, licking my clit voraciously while covered in creamy goodness. Touching me, kissing me, fucking me. Making me orgasm again and again.

In another scene there was a man laying on his back on my red bed, another man laid on his back on top of him. He had his ass filled with the manhood of the man underneath him and I climbed on top of them filling myself with a very hard cock.

Another man filled my mouth with his penis as I writhed on the bed filled on both sides; with several hands pulling and pinching my nipples. On the red leather couch beside the bed sat two other men playing with a third man. Naked bodies colliding and intertwining and succulent against a red background. Then on the cross is tied another man bound and blindfolded getting played with.

I orgasmed rather hard when it finally came. So yummy. So tantalizing. So enjoyable. Fantasies are sooo fucking fabulous. They don’t have to be lived to still provide deep satisfaction.

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Happy Mother’s Day to all my fellow fabulous mommies. Dream big!!!! 😉💋❤️

I’m SO Horny!!!

But that’s the least of my problems. I just got told that my neighbors are going to the city to report me for illegal activities. Honestly, I find it more funny than anything. I’m running a legal Airbnb and a legal Colon Hydrotherapy Studio. The Airbnb I am actually stopping after my last reservation in 2 weeks.

I am using my garage as additional space, but technically not really living there, plus it’s finished and has a bedroom built in with heating, windows and I even installed a fire and carbon monoxide monitor. Sooooo…… Who knows? I wish these neighbors had come to me. I recognize the dominatriz things throws people for a loop and frankly I don’t give a shit. Especially since I haven’t done a single illegal thing in regards to it. I have NOT taken a single job and since my kids will be back with me I would not do so on premises anyway.

Obviously I haven’t been sufficiently incentivized to do anything with it to begin with. So who knows. It’s not on my to-do list right now…let’s just say. It was more a fun thought and a nice way to make much needed extra income doing something I really love to do. I mean I do have the extensive wardrobe and toys for it already too. Whatever. Fine!! My life won’t end from not being a professional Dominatriz.

But now I have this animosity with these people. Oh well!! It tends to happen everywhere I go frankly. Haters come out of the woodwork pegging me with all these false ideas and giving me far too much credit for their misery. I’m rather used to it actually….so now that I know this is true once again maybe this will start to feel more like home. Lol. I’ll deal with the city as that comes up. They’ve all been to so truly kind to me there that I can’t imagine it being a lynch mob of any sort.

Back to my title though. I’m so horny!!! But….I’m on a legitimate quest to find a husband; a kinky as fuck one…..but yes a husband…ultimately. I’m ready and willing to put in all the time and go through all the steps necessary. Soooo…yea. My mind is pretty set, but my libido tells me otherwise. My libido is all “let’s play”. Damn thing! Never been an off switch for it. Lol

Oh well. Living in torment sexually. Reminds me of this thing I saw yesterday.

Because doctors were too tired from giving women suffering “Hysteria” manual stimulation & Hysteria was just a code word for sexual frustration*.

Thankfully though I have a really nice, high quality vibrator and a fast little bullet. So I can switch off when I get bored….which will be very quickly. Do doctors still do this you think? I do need a new doctor. Mwahahahahaha

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*Thats what it said under the picture. Couldn’t get it in the frame. Lol

Obsessed with “The Greatest Showman”

I love it!! All of it. The soundtrack. The acting. The dancing. The characters. The scenes. The dialogue is alright….nothing too spectacular there. But I love the storyline and heart of the movie. The main song is even my “anthem” on Tinder. I wake up humming the tunes.

I’ve extrapolated it to be not about the circus freaks but about sexual “freaks” and about me. I most relate to Barnum’s character. To be the catalyst for bringing people out of the dark and into the light. It would be so truly beautiful to do that IRL. Silly little dreams….but that’s what I do. I dream of a world that is so much more beautiful than this one in so many ways.

Hmmmmmmm

The greatest showwoman. It has a ring to it.

I even bought a gorgeous long red jacket with half the back cut out today at the thrift store I’m going to customize it to look like a ringleaders. It’s so long I can wear just the jacket and my black thigh high boots. Yummy. Can’t wait!!! Add a bullwhip and how could I go wrong?