How Many Men do I Need in My Life?

I went from having virtually no attention from men*, not even my own husband (now ex-husband), 3 years ago to currently feeling like I have a tribe of men in my life.

I have K – who is not present in reality, but who I still hold a place in my heart for. A – that pops in and out of my life since we met 22 years ago and yet I haven’t talked to or rather texted in a few weeks.

J. my ex, the only man I’m currently having (very infrequent) sex with and also trying to groom into being a Dom so he might stop trying to get me back and figure out once and for all we are not meant to be. We are not sexually compatible at all and that’s the least of the issues. Yet I am comfortable with him even if he does as he pleases with me. It doesn’t do much for me really, even though he does sometimes go out of his way to try to satisfy me. Grooming him as a Dom has been a two steps forward one step back endeavor, but I took it on with the specific goal of getting him off me (emotionally).** He is growing into a very sensual, confident and dominant man and I’m rather proud of him.

B – who is an unending resource of information on this journey and who I’ve developed a massive crush on, the sound of his voice sends chills down my neck and he knows I would love nothing more but to seduce and subdue him. But for many reason (the least of which is geographic) that will never come to pass but I tremendously enjoy his friendship, teasing and training.

T – who has been slowly fulfilling my deepest longings with his proposal to be my slave, even with the current tumultuous state of my life…that man has balls of steel…well actually he is asexual currently and that is my only issue with him at this point…although it may or may not become an issue in reality. I’m not seeing why we can’t work around it really. Although my biggest hope is to try and awaken him. We shall see. I am going to be visiting him in two weeks and I am excited beyond measure.

There is sweet J- a beautiful 24 year old sissy boy who wants an FLR. He is very stable and mature and lures me with his soft, romantic daily messages. And G – with whom I had one passionate night of sex and sadism a bit ago. He is married and I have been trying to put him into the friend only category but he has been whining and pouting and stamping his feet trying to get my attention and affection. He will get none for now. Not because he is married, as his wife not only approves but is pushing him to find satisfaction outside the marriage (she does not like to play the way he does) but simply because I’m busy and planning other things.

And then there is a handful more that I have been talking to on fetlife that I may or may not meet IRL. Most obviously not if all things go well with T.

This should be enough. What girl would not enjoy so much attention? Not to sound like a whiny, selfish brat but I really only want and need one man. One man that will give me his all, his every breath for me; fulfilling me sexually, emotionally and mentally. My fun partner in life to play with, to grow with, to depend on in good and bad, to adore maddeningly (in my own very specific and necessary fashion).

That is not too much to ask. Now is it?

—–

God I’m so horny right now. It’s like I have a bottomless chasm of desire. Can it be quenched with just one man? I really question that myself right now and I don’t have a valid answer. I suppose I wait and see. Right now I have nothing concrete so who’s to say how, why, where that will go. I’ll just keep plugging away at life. Looking for my pot of gold and if it comes and doesn’t quite satisfy me…..we handle it then. No longer will I ever let myself live in misery. Longing for more than I have. All or nothing. All or nothing people!!! It may be a steep price to pay or maybe it will be all my dreams come true.

I really want to believe what B tells me to be true. That when a man satisfies me at a very deep emotional level I will be completely satiated. Since that has never really EVER happened I can’t say, but boy I hope he is right. Because frankly, honestly, I only have the emotional, physical and mental stamina for one man; no matter how enchanting others may be. I simply would prefer to put all my love, attention, lust and desire into one man. That’s not too much to ask!!

—–

*ok. Maybe not NO attention. I did after all have my Peeping Tom then. Lol. Just that I didn’t have the best self esteem and I avoided even talking to men since I was so bitterly dissatisfied in my own relationship and didn’t need to be reminded of what else existed or of other possibilities.

**once I care for someone I never stop caring for them. It’s just part of who I am as a person. So me doing this for him is bizarre to most everyone but it makes sense to me. So who cares? When and if something concrete materializes in my life I will cast him aside, whether he is ready or not…like a fledgling bird. I know he’ll be fine.

A love story (fantasy for now)

From both Master and slave view.

The Master:

I left your clothes laid out for you.  I already saw to your haircut and shaving to my specifications yesterday.  You didn’t know why I had wanted this, but you complied happily, willingly (as per usual) and laughed with me about your new look.  You liked it, although it wasn’t something you would have normally sought for yourself.

The clothes are new.  They fit you perfectly; a beige button down shirt, dark blue trousers and matching sports coat.  Crisp black socks and freshly shined black loafers.  The cock cage came as a surprise.  I had not asked that of you yet, although we had discussed it multiple times already.

The note on the bed said:

Meet me at the Ambonnay Champagne Bar 6pm, sit at the bar if possible.  Order us both a flight and oysters and wait for me.

Your role tonight:

“Divorced business executive in town for an important meeting. You’ve just landed a multi-million dollar account earlier in the day and you want to celebrate.  Even though you have been divorced now for over a year the thought of giving your time and attention to another woman does not appeal to you.  Nor do all the women throwing themselves at your feet.  Sometimes you aren’t sure if it is the wealth or the power you exude, maybe it’s the charming smile that attracts them like flies, but either which way…you aren’t ready for it. It’s not what you truly want. Instead you accepted the card of what you were told was a beautiful escort that your new business partner provided you with.  The card had only a large luscious set of red lips with teeth biting down on the bottom lip set against complete blackness on one side and a website address on the other.  Had he not recommended her you may have thought it a joke of some kind.  You looked at the website. Her face was not shown, but her body was enticing and her verbiage was more so.   You were excited that she was available on short notice and a little anxious to meet her.  Only on a few other occasions had you contacted a prostitute, but she was not that.  This woman was a Domme.  You had specified to her that in public you wanted her to act demure.  You were not ready to show the world your docile, pliable, feminine side.  It ran against the persona you’ve spent decades cultivating, the image you’ve spent too much time and energy building and maintaining.  Tonight she was going to give you the relief you needed from that role, even if only for a few short hours.  You are wearing the pink lace women’s thongs you love to wear that no one knows about. They ride up and pinch you, reminding you with each shift that they are there and it turns you on immensely. You continue to wait patiently, wondering if she would even come.  She was already 30 minutes late.”

—–end of role.

Play this part for me my love and I will show you my deep appreciation tonight.  I hope you like the clothes.  I carefully curated this look for you and my plans tonight.  I am lusting for you.  I can not wait to see you bend this way for me.

That was the end of the note.

You look down at yourself in the clothes.  You are not comfortable.  You don’t mind playing but you like the world to see you in your slave attire.  You like for me to parade you around in your leash at the sex clubs and this is stretching you out of your comfort zone.  Still… you know better than to question it even for a moment and you grab your keys and head out the door.  You do as you are told and hold the demeanor of a business mogul.  You’ve had many years in the private sector yourself so it doesn’t come too hard.  You order the flights and oysters and wait.  Sure enough I do arrive 30 minutes late just as in the story and the playing begins.

The Slave:

You walk up to me with an air of pure sexual energy.  My cock responds and I feel my reminders presence.  I immediately notice the key hanging from your necklace.  The cute little key no one knows holds such power.  I know better than to break character.  I stand immediately and pull out your chair.  I put out my hand and pretend to just be meeting you for the first time.  You’re outfit I have never seen before.  Short burgundy skirt, too short to sit comfortably without showing far too much skin on your beautiful legs.  Black top that dives a bit low, but not low enough.  Fluffly white “come fuck me” jacket with burgundy flowered pumps at least 4 inches high.  You look divine.  Far too sexy; as if you could indeed be a high class prostitute.

Your make-up done to perfection, with your favorite long wig on; and it’s as if I had forgotten how truly breathtaking you were.  My heart beats hard and I gulp.  I wonder if tonight you will pleasure me or put me in pain and if I am honest with myself I know the answer is both and I’m not even sure anymore which I prefer.

You sit and we exchange small talk about the weather and bad timing on my part to visit the city.  Then after a few sips of your flight, you turn to me and tell me that you will be asking me questions to which you want complete honesty and not play.  I understand.  You enjoy the game within the games but you also need brutal honesty from me and this is your way to set the tone.  I am prepared.

The Master:

I ask you questions I’ve been wanting to ask.  Questions to help delve deeply into your childhood, deeper into your psyche.  You relax into the conversation forgetting we are here in specific roles.  So I try to throw you off your game.  I touch you, flirtatiously.  I let my top fall off my shoulders a bit and lean into you slowly as if desirous of a kiss and then back away swiftly.  I want to do more to you, but I want to stay within the game as well.   We talk and play like this for a few hours.  Me forcing you to hold firmly while I purr and move seductively around you like a tiny pussy cat needing to be pet.  I can see your lust building and I sense you having difficulties with the cage.  I reach down and give it a quick tug and you flinch.  You hadn’t expected that and it completely unsettles you.

I’ve been thinking of this for weeks now, planning it meticulously.  I’ve tortured you enough though. You have played well, stayed within character so beautifully and answered my questions with the utmost loving sincerity.

Now I am ready to devour you.  Before I left tonight I laid out all of the toys I planned for you.  First I will use the whip.  I want to leave your beautiful ass marked for a few days. I want to see the luscious welts build up under my touch. I want you to wince for a couple of days so that you know who owns you. Who is in charge.  So you feel with each spasm of pain my force over you.  So that it builds that longing to be under my control once again.

I will take you tonight. I will enjoy every inch of your body.  I will bind you, lay you merciless at my feet and torture and please you back and forth until your cries for mercy, your begging for release and supplications for more all meld together into a beautiful melody for me.  A melody I create.  Tonight, every night, for all of eternity….. you will be mine.

My love for you holds no bounds.  My adoration for you knows no limits.  You are mine.  Truly mine.  Body, heart, soul and I live for each breath of yours to be mine, as you exhale and call my name….. “Master”.

I know no limits with you.  My heart knows none but your love.  I need nothing else but you and tonight I will demonstrate that to you and give you the release you have been needing….under my control…always under my control…my beloved.

——–

End

💋

——Buzzkill—- don’t read. Warned. 😝

Reality

I think if you ask everyone on their death bed whom they loved the most (romantically) they would be able to answer unflinchingly. Everyone has their favorite. The one that stood out the most. The one they adored the best. This does not diminish the fact that they, most likely, loved others as well, right?

I find it funny that in this society we are told to only be with one person and then we pretend that we don’t have a place in our heart for any others. We pretend we aren’t attracted to other people anymore and that others don’t hold any allure. Like it’s a switch or something. It’s like telling me I can only love one child. It’s idiotic, is what is it.

Now hopefully you do love one person. Hopefully you are consumed with passion and lust for someone that reciprocates it and you both mutually appreciate and respect each other, handle each other’s hearts with care. In an ideal world this would be the case for everyone. In reality, there are so many possibilities and variations and “shades of beige” as a dear friend says.

Why limit the possibilities? I say just be honest, with yourself first and then with the person(s) you are involved with and from that point on….you just do you Boo.

Fantasies

I have been sharing way too many personal and not very sexy stories lately.

So let’s go back to talking about sex for a moment.

When I was much younger my biggest fantasy was a gang bang. I never felt safe enough or courageous enough to make it happen*. I also always assumed that it would be about the men being pleasured and I wanted it to also be about my pleasure. My real pleasure, not just the male fantasy version. Plow, plow, plow. Looks good on film. Feels good for men. Does nothing for me. Lol. And I couldn’t figure out how I could get that to become a reality.

Last month I orgasmed to a fantasy of having my own harem of men. They were exclusively chaste to me; all of them and yet I enjoyed them and whoever else I chose whenever I chose it. I satisfied them so deeply that they loved it this way. On this day they all gathered around me as I laid on the bed. I was surrounded by 5 lovely creatures, all naked and hard. I was going to let them feast and they were ready to devour.

Each one had my name written on their penis in sharpie. And as they stroked themselves gently I could see my name bobbing up and down on their shafts. I was feeling generous, maybe I would let them pleasure each other once they were done pleasuring me. But we were just going to begin and I was ready for a full taste of them all, so I would decide that when I was done.

I didn’t get far into this fantasy before I orgasmed intensely. Lol. Twice.

Then yesterday’s fantasy was rather luscious as well, but since that involves a man that I actually know IRL I’ll keep it under wraps for now.

Do I ever want a real gang bang? I think not. Maybe had I been where I am now 20 years ago….sure. If I could live out the scenario above where it was about me. Well. Ummm. Yea. Ok. But now. Nah. Now reality has different plans for me. Plans I can’t wait to carry out. Plans that I can already see are going to be deeply fulfilling for me.

Meanwhile I’m still waiting for my new set-up to come in from China. It’s a strap on that has a built in vibrator/suction cup design for my clit. So maybe I can finally orgasm while giving a man pleasure this way. That is the most luscious thought ever for me. Far better than my own harem of men; I think. 😝

*and also because let’s face it I never wanted to seen and judged as a slut.

Proud Mama

My daughter was video chatting with her friend today as I sat on the couch nearby on my own device. I was not trying to listen but something caught my attention.

She was talking about boys. She has been boy crazy for a few years now and I don’t know if it’s genetic but she definitely takes after me in that regard so how can I judge it. She was putting the boys she likes in order (one to three) and I chuckled under my breath. It seems bachelor #2 will go out of his way to make sure she has the chair she likes in class. It has to be the right shape and color*.

Her preference for color is red. So he will switch out however many chairs he needs to to get her the right chair. The one she likes. It filled my heart with warmth that a boy would cherish her so much. I can’t tell her what her heart should say…but that boy has a lot of potential. And I could not be prouder of my little Domme in training. I don’t force. I don’t preach. I simply lead by example. I think she understands in her own way. My little man eater. Imagine how far she will go. She is after all only 10. Lol

——-

*they have different chairs available. Some are stationary and some let the children move, they sway. This is helpful for the fidgety children. These are the chairs she likes.

Homeless, Death & the 5 year old

Today has been an odd duck of a day already and it’s not even noon. She has been asking me a lot lately of death. I’m not sure where she is getting it from but I don’t want to put her off. I’d rather she learn how I genuinely feel about it before she gets deluged by different portrayals; all trying to convince her they know the ultimate truth.

I began slowly by just answering her immediate questions. Then when she kept pressing day after day I realized she wanted more. So I explained as best I could today without trying to scare her.

I told her when people die they can go to all kinds of different places. That everyone has their own path just like in life. She asked if people go to Heaven. I said yes some do. She asked if they come back as babies again and I said that yes some people believe that to be true; but if it is true that they can come back anywhere….as there are many worlds, not only ours. She asked me where else they could go. I said there was Heaven and Hell and that some people even stay here just not in their bodies anymore..they stay as what people call ghosts.

She didn’t flinch and she thankfully didn’t ask me about Hell. She said “but isn’t everyone afraid of them then? (ghosts)” and I said “yes most people are” and she said she was and I told her I was a bit too but that since I had never actually seen one* in real life I couldn’t really say for sure.

Then somehow we got on the subject of homeless. Oh yes. I know. It’s trash day and as I was driving I saw someone had put dog food by the garbage. I told her on our way back I wanted to pick it up. She asked why. I explained that we could donate it to the food bank so people could feed their pets or to the homeless. She was intrigued. She said she wanted to meet them (the homeless). I asked her why and she said “because I’m a people person” and I laughed. She hates it when I laugh at her; but she’s so damn cute.

She said she likes all people, the ones with houses and the ones without. I was left a bit speechless by that. I have had all the ingredients for the pb&j sandwiches for a few days now. I even bought hostess cupcakes and bags of individual chips to go into the lunch sacks to then add a couple crisp new $2 bills in each one. I would rather feed them a more nutritious menu of brown rice, beans, vegetables, etc., but that is not really as easy or possible without having my own soup kitchen. Lol.**

Plus those foods I give them are comforting and eating is not only about physical sustenance. It made me wonder why I only went out at night to feed the homeless and how I was going to manage to take her in the daylight. I may have to venture into Portland proper with her to do this. For one because they are prolific there and then because they are usually most obviously homeless. I don’t want to insult anyone.

Then I had an interesting encounter with a new potential client this morning as well. One who has offered me kindness beyond measure. I will write that story later as it is still unfolding.

Life is beautiful. 💋❤️

____

*I have felt them and had some interesting interactions with spirits but never yet seen one that I was aware of at least.

**And that is not my point. I really do like going to them, even though it pushes me far outside my comfort zone.

Atomic Blonde

I identify with the Charlize Theron character so much. Her strength, her erotic nature, her intelligence. There are a handful of movies I can watch over and over. This is definitely one of them. Plus the soundtrack is phenomenal.

——-

I feel myself growing into myself in leaps and bounds. I feel myself getting stronger. I feel myself calmer, more purposeful, more present. I can’t explain it….it vacillates still but I sense something strong coming my way. I am open. I am ready. I am here. Here!!

It doesn’t mean my life is perfect. It doesn’t mean I just didn’t eat McDonald’s French fries and follow it with way too sweet white wine (which I should not be drinking) and then chase that down with cake. Lol

Awww whatever. I ran today. I don’t care anymore. Lately I’ve realized that the more I do exactly what I want to do instead of what I think I should do (like eat vegetables…which I do actually love)…the happier I am.

And truly….isn’t inner peace and happiness worth it? I mean…yes… we should all measure ourselves. I’m not out hurting people. I’m not out to ruin the world. A little indulgence is ok.

—-

They say follow your passion and the money will follow. Right? I’ve seen that happen. I’ve even mentored people in this. I know for a fact it is true. Yet…..

I’ve been struggling. I have 3 businesses right now and I’m still barely holding my head above water. Fuck it!!

I’m doing it may way and either life will comply or I’ll burn it all down and leave it all behind. Who gives a fuck!

I’m so sick of worrying about it.

Fearless

I’ve always been a bit fearless. It was born from necessity. You wouldn’t know it from looking at me in every day life. Quiet, meek even, with a soft serenity (mostly), but when the force is sparked, needed or desired…it comes. Not always but usually (thankfully). The strength comes of its own accord and I can’t stop it if I wanted to really. It just comes.

Some cases come to mind.

Most recently I was picking up my teenage daughter from a school function. She wanted me to drive a gaggle of friends home too. I said fine. I parked across the street from the school and waited. They came out and stood at the corner at a designated and delineated crosswalk and waited for cars to stop.

One car, two cars, they kept coming. No one was stopping for them. In their situation I would have stepped off the sidewalk and made eye contact with the drivers or waved my hands until someone stopped but these girls didn’t have that notion. I understood but I was getting enraged watching these people keep driving by. It was dark but they were obviously being ignored.

Without thinking and by sheer instinct I swung open my car door and walked right into the middle of the street. The first car drove past me slowly as if in disbelief and the second car I did not give that chance to. I got right in front of it. They had no choice but to stop or run me over. I did not waiver. I went straight towards it like an angered bull….as if I wore invincible armor.

The girls ran across the street as I stood still in place. And after the last one crossed I followed behind. They all ran into the car giggling and laughing. They talked about it the entire drive back. One called me her hero. To me it was just another day. I honestly didn’t see why the hubbub. Lol

Another time at a garage sale in the dead of the hot dessert summer I landed at this petite blond-haired beauty’s house. Not many people were out and about in the 100 plus degree weather. It was me, her and two big tall black men from an African country. Immediately my ears tuned in to the discourse. The tone was wrong.

They were pushing her. Asking to have things for free. Making her scared. I slowly, quietly, without intention began navigated my way between them, as I kept looking at merchandise. Until I stood right next to the main aggressor. The next time he spoke I turned slowly, deliberately and stared right up into his eyes as he towered above me and said in a calm and quiet voice that sounded in my head like a quiet roar.

I said “leave her alone”. He looked down at me as if he was scratching his head and laughed. I stood completely still in my strength with not an ounce of fear and held his gaze. I could sense he was doing some kind of calculation in his head, yet I still stood….not even half an arms length away. He literally backed away from me and I simply continued looking at the merchandise. I noticed a few minutes later they had left. Lol. She practically gave me everything for free. It was her way to thank me without thanking me. I understood. She didn’t want to acknowledge her fear. Men seem to think they have that trait cornered. They don’t!

I could go on. We all have our stories. I have been assisted by strangers many times in this same such fashion. I even had a stranger save my life and I never even saw their face.

My point here is….. I sometimes tend to do things some people can simply not understand. They don’t seem logical, sensible or prudent. My actions at times lack all sense of self-preservation. This feeling had subsided quite substantially when I had children but the rebirth into full fruition again has been so splendid. So when I say to my few friends that I am contemplating having my own slave they are not particularly shocked.

Now….how I went to potentially “owning” a slave from where I was not even 6 months ago shocks me a bit. It’s like being asked to play in the olympics after just having joined the sport. I know I have some experience, natural talent* and most importantly I have true desire; but we shall see. The dynamic of M/s is intense and it creates a very deep connection that is not even found in most strong vanilla relationships. Most obviously the power dynamic is very askew.

Funny thing is; I don’t feel in over my head. I don’t feel afraid. I don’t feel silly or crazy. I intuitively sense that this is right for me. Maybe not something most people would say. Probably not something most people would entertain.

Welcome to my world. Nice to meet you. 😉

—-

Run

I was 16. I had taken the last metro and missed the last bus to get home. I was going to have to walk the 2 miles home. It was about 11:30pm and the city was deserted; eerily quiet and dark. I walked briskly in the warm night. A car pulled up and slowed to my pace until we both stopped. A girl a little older than me smiled at me and the man driving said hi. They asked if I wanted a ride. I looked closely at them both and instinctively my entire body screamed “RUN!”

Without hesitation, without question, without further dialogue I ran. Fast and furious, I ran directly in front of the car and through the street that crossed where we were. Then I turned right sharply and kept running. In the back of my head I wondered what I would do if they followed. No cell phones at the time. No one on the streets. I didn’t have many options where they behind me. I ran maybe 2 more blocks and realized they had not followed. I slowed my pace and kept zig zagging my way back home.

Was there real danger? I can’t say. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I always did like running anyway. In fact I’m off to go run now…for pleasure this time though. Lol

—-

*yes natural ability. Why people have an issue with this verbiage still amuses me.