When in Doubt….hug it out

*Non-linear*

I’ve been thinking of the plight of women and minorities and the people on the outskirts just wanting equanimity and the space to live freely and openly, not hidden, guarded, or afraid.

I’ve had a lot of conflicting thoughts that I’ve been wrestling with and no one makes anything in life more clear sometimes than children. Case in point.

My daughter just had a massive fit. Cried hysterically because there was a teeny tiny spider no bigger than a large ant in the car. I tried to catch it and get it out but it was a jumping spider and I couldn’t.

Even when we got into the house “safely away” she continued crying pathetically.

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So my mother has been hinting to me very strongly that I am autistic*. I have been purposely disregarding the topic when she brooches it. Unless she comes out and directly espouses it I will keep putting her off. But…..I can see why she has drawn that conclusion. For one I am way too analytical and before I had children I lacked almost all sense of “normal” emotional reactions.

If it weren’t that I am very empathic I think I would have never been able to form any connections with people at all. But because I am I can sense and feel peoples emotions without having to understand them or find the logic to them.

I don’t seem to think the way the majority of people think either. The majority of people seem to think in the bubble map type approach; pulling from past experiences and knowledge. Where I tend to think more in a graph format. I start with the problem and the solution plotted out and try to find the best route even if they aren’t things that directly correlate to either the problem or solution itself.

Which is why I think I can understand complex topics easily sometimes because I can understand the process. In other words I usually can see the patterns of thoughts and actions clearly: although emotions themselves do boggle me a bit still.**

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When I had my first child I remember taking all the courses and reading all the books I could about how to take care of a baby. Having no siblings, not a lot of family/friends or hands on experience I wanted all the knowledge I could get. I remember one time in particular she was about 2 months old and she was crying.

I had done everything I could think of: fresh diaper; food, sleep, play, change of scenery, mouth stimulus, soothing talk, music, rocking her, everything. She sat in her car seat, back from our car ride and I just left her in there sitting on the coffee table. I had no idea what else to do. She cried and cried, while I just sat there staring at her until eventually she just fell asleep. To say I felt out of my element was an understatement.

Now after my third I have a much wider arsenal but I also know how much touch they need, even as they cry, how much they need to just feel understood but I can still misfire.

So back to the spider and crying 5 year old.

At first I tried to reason with her…. yea. Uhu. Comical. She cried more. Then I tried just getting her to stop crying, which she saw as me admonishing or “yelling at her”. She cried even harder. So finally I just picked her up in my arms and held her as she fussed and tried to get away and I just kept holding her. Once she calmed down enough to listen I apologized and reflected her emotions back to her. “I know you were scared. It’s ok to be scared.” And then came up with a game plan to just kill the spider if we saw it again. I hope the spider got that memo and found a new habitat, for everyone’s sake. Lol

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So back to my first paragraph. Maybe it’s time we sucked it up….collectively speaking…as a society…. and held our crying toddlers (minorities, women, outliers) and listened to them, mirrored back what they are feeling… and worked on a game plan.

Wishful thinking. I know.

______

Soooo….maybe I am a little OCD and obsessive and maybe I do skirt some autistic spectrum mannerisms and behaviors. So what? That would explain why I get along so well with and understand other autistic people. Who knows? I do know I have systems for doing things and I get angered when I get pushed to deviate from them. I don’t so much mind if I waver of my own accord (which is improbable but not impossible) although I do get angered with myself if the outcome didn’t justify wavering.

Honestly giving myself the title of borderline autism would be a relief…. because it excuses my, at times, overly regimented behavior and emotional disparity but I still won’t take it. I won’t give myself that luxury because too many people live with the extreme spectrum of it and suffer greatly in life and I don’t want to make light of that.

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*My mother says when I was very little I would ram myself full force into the wall over and over and she just got to where at one point she didn’t try to stop me anymore. It was like I needed that sensory overload. I have no recollection whatsoever so I can’t say what it was.

**Even my own emotions bother me, to the point they overwhelm me, so I have found a way of shutting them down or out. For better or worse and sometimes, most times I do this without any conscious knowledge or push. I just find most emotions (within myself) a nuisance and have learned to turn them off or switch them. Not always. I am not a robot….just mostly.

Truthfully it has kept me safe so often. It has kept me out of the clutches of some very harmful people many, many times…..because my emotions can not be manipulated easily. Hard to manipulate something I can turn off and I’m far too logical to fall for most people’s bs, usually. So if I do have autism it has definitely helped me more than harmed me in life. As far as I can tell…but then I’m sometimes lazy and don’t think things through…. too many rabbit holes.

Professional Domme

Contemplating going back to trying to Domme professionally.

I’ve been asked to do so……

And these silly bois do so love to be tortured

And humiliated

And made to wear and behave as directed

They want these fantasies fulfilled

It is so deeply imbedded in their psyche

This need

that even a vanilla attempt won’t do

They need the real force of it

And frankly

I need the money

But no sex

And not anywhere near where I live

Which means an investment in a place

Or coordination with an establishment

Guess I’ll put some feelers out

And see what I can do

Not now

We’ll make it a summer project maybe

If I even have time

Time and energy seems to be a luxury I could use much more of

And money and love

And……

Sex of course

But professional Dominatrix will be only one of these

Ho hum……

We shall see

Let’s just see where life leads

I’ve definitely got enough on my little plate right now.

——-

What’s been proven time and time again

Is that the drive to Domme

Comes from love

It comes from desire, lust, and adoration

It comes from a deep level of comfort

Which is why few have seen it

Can I bring it out when I want to?

Yep

But why would I?

It’s a lot of work

Especially when it isn’t of my own fruition

Plus

When people want their own desires manifested

It isn’t my script

It isn’t my design

Which again

Is just MORE work

It would be kind of like asking a chef

To cook a fabulous meal

That they can’t pick the ingredients to

Decide how it is cooked

Or even eat

It isn’t exactly torture

They are still doing something they love

But it makes it much more of a job

Right?

That’s the difference to me

And I just can’t explain it any clearer

Dream Sequence

Tonight it was not insomnia.

Tonight it was the dog wanting me to let him out at 3:30 and trying to get me to go outside with him; which I refused. Silly boy….and two and a half hours later here we are still. Wide awake.

——-

I have a vision board. On this piece are several images:

One you don’t see in this image is a wedding venue. Beautiful outdoor wedding scene. That image popped in my head this morning and I imagined how I would want that to look and feel in reality.

And in my head it went like this:

Me in either an elegant blood red dress or in my black vinyl leather mini dress. That fluctuated as knowing me I’ll want to change into something comfortable at some point anyway and dance, dance, dance and eat lots of cake.

I walk up to the alter to see my slave there. He is wearing his collar. He kneels awaiting me. He says his vows to me kneeling the entire time. When it comes time to say my vows I stand him up and then……wait for it…..

I kneel before him and promise….

“Your heart is mine to keep, hold, nurture and cherish. Your love is one I will never take for granted. I will be your strength in times of need. I will be your harbor when life gets hard. I will be your champion when you have lost your way. I will be your best friend, your ally, your cheerleader, your confidante, your sex master and also….occasionally……. your sex slave.

While I have already given you all I am and most importantly my entire heart, I know you will keep kindling my love with your devotion. I want you to know that I have loved you since before you were even a thought in the clouds and I will continue to love you long after we are both gone. My love for you runs eternal, ethereal and unconditional from now until the end of time itself, if not longer.”

———

Being a Dom/me if done correctly is awesome; you get emotionally and physically satiated on levels unparalleled. However to do it right you have to show inordinate amounts of care and concern for your sub. You are just as equally devoted, frankly even if not more so to them, as they are to you. Because you have the power and control. You have the final say. You have the ultimate responsibility.

What you decide must benefit them and satiate them to a depth that maybe they themselves don’t realize in order to make it really work. In order to make it a true win/win….because anything less is simply abuse IMO. Which if consented to is fine, but that isn’t what I am looking for. That isn’t the dynamic I want.

So to me…being a good Domme means not only knowing what I want and making sure I get it, but also making sure my sub gets his needs satisfied…. albeit with me at the helm of that.* There is a beauty to it. There is a grace there. There is a torrential love there. It just comes packaged differently than the standard issue love affair. Lol

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* Not all the subs wants satisfied….but all the true needs. Like chastity for example, but maybe not everyone needs that. Lol

——

I am still learning and so much is subject to change when he finally comes to the party. I am a good compromiser. It’s just that….what I say goes. Really not much more to it than that. That and real, true happy servitude….. not too much to ask. Right?

Maybe it’s time for a new vision board. 😉

“Maybe I’m Looking for something I can’t have” – maroon5

Whatevs

So yea

Let’s see

Brad Fucking Pitt

Be my chastity boi

24/7

TPE

cock cage

And me and/or him sex with whoever I say.

And all the luxury that a life like that allows

Yea

Ok

I know I ain’t getting that

So can I please choose?

I just want the moon

However you want to serve that up

See how great I am. 😉

Playing With Girl’s

I was at the nail salon today

I love my visits there

The girls are all lovely and treat me so nice and welcoming

Today was no exception and they stayed almost two hours past closing mostly for me; because the cute seniors graduating tomorrow left about an hour before me. It had not been my intention but the massage and conversation just kept going. Lol. Next time I’ll have to get there much earlier. Poor things. As it is they don’t ever take a day off.

I felt horrible. I tried to get them to let me leave and they insisted I not go until my nails were completely dry. I could cry at how doting people are with me sometimes.

The owners of the salon are a cute Vietnamese lesbian couple. Young and so cute together; you’ll often find them giggling and being loving and gentle with each other. I got a bit of backstory today I was always curious about. It seems the “boy” met the girl in Vietnam and brought her here. Previous to this relationship she had never been with women. She assured me she was so happy; which she genuinely does seem and that “men are crazy”. Lol.

I laughed. I could sense she was trying to tell me something. They don’t know much about my life because I tend to zone out and just relax when I’m there but they know I’m single and date.

This is the 3rd time in two months I’ve been told expressly or indirectly to try women. There are a few issues with that.

While I think women are fabulous…. Goddesses and just badass. I also think they talk to much, are too into their own looks, while also being way too self deprecating, also enjoy shopping way too much, and are both over-emotional and at times completely illogical*.

Granted I’ve always also managed to attract very emotional men**…… so the idea that women could be even more of a handful emotionally is a bit much for me. It actually scares me, because quite frankly I’m not sure I could handle it.

Then add to that, that IRL I have been sexually attracted to maybe a handful of women and only one in the last two decades. And to top it off…. I’m so boy crazy I’m afraid that I won’t be completely satiated by a woman. Now….. if we go back to what I was told by someone I trust and knows a lot more than me (psychologically speaking); that when I am completely emotionally happy all else will not matter as much….. not even sex. Gasp gasp.

I know right!! Makes no sense to me, but probably because I have no experience with that either. No man has ever emotionally fulfilled me. Sexually. Sure. Economically. Yep. Stabilizing. Yuhu. Mentally. Absolutely. But……emotionally. Nope. Maybe just at the very beginning when they’re working their ass off to get into my goodies. But once established it always fades away. Like a dream that was a whisper of something that never really came.

Frankly though, I just don’t understand the lesbian dynamic. I suppose there is more equanimity there. Which is theoretically ok. But. Ugghhh. I don’t know.

I never say never and right now I’m letting life lead me…. I need a break from directing the show. I just need to rest and catch my breath a bit. I guess we’ll see what life brings.

Your call life. What’ya got for me? 😉

(I retain veto power though💋.)

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*I realize I’m generalizing and that’s never a good thing…. I apologize. There are some really fucking awesome low-key women out there that I resonate with deeply. Truly. Then also….if men talked as much as women do they would probably sound fairly illogical too. I’m almost sure.

**I suppose it makes sense that I would attract emotional men as I’ve been told now by a few different people, including my own psychologist and mother, that I have male mentality…. especially when it comes to sex. Like they accidentally dropped a boy into a girl’s body. Lol. Except I like being a girl….

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Total sidetrack

I came across a book today about living with a “Huge Dick”. I leafed through it and realized that it’s a real issue. I somehow thought my experience was unique.

Once in my 20’s I ended up in bed with this cutie. But the minute his pants came off I LITERALLY kicked him (accidentally) out of bed. My vagina propelled my legs to move that mass structure away. I had no control over it.

We ended up sleeping, not having sex that night in a bit of awkward silence with neither of us addressing the situation. I know I’ve learned better, hopefully he has too. To say he was big… well… let’s just say he would give porn stars a huge complex. Just wow. Or yikes is what came to my mind.

I always found it completely ludicrous how women put so much emphasis on penis size. I’m not even sure why. It’s not a pogo stick or lollipop. It’s a dick. If the man knows anything about sex he can get you off with or without it. Size never mattered. But then I’ve always happily been with average size or even smaller men.

The two times I found myself in the presence of what I would probably consider the “perfect size” they were both fairly selfish and lazy lovers. Add to that they were both male sluts. Completely used to getting what they wanted. I guess the fact that both these penises were attached to rather good looking and intelligent men didn’t hurt either.

(Now that right there is way too many lines.) God punished them with too many check marks and frankly they both were extremely miserable in their superficial sexual personas. So maybe they weren’t that smart after all. Lol