Orgasm delight, soap opera fights, work and faith

I orgasmed finally. Yippee-kay-yay!!!

I feel normal again. It’s like a pressure cooker situation where the release brings me back to a static base. I can breath. Things don’t aggravated me as easily. This works in Brad’s favor. Lol. Yesterday pre-orgasm we got in a huge fight. He screamed at me. I was on the verge of crying but I didn’t let myself.

He begged for forgiveness afterwards and it wasn’t that he asked but what he said that allowed me to forgive him. He told me what he saw. He told me how his actions affected me and how it tore him up inside seeing me suffer so deeply. He told me the story and relayed the emotion. He was completely accurate in his assessment of my inner turmoil and how his actions affected me. We even went over the whole thing once we both calmed down some.

Still not sure how to avert it from happening again…..but more orgasms wouldn’t be a bad start.

He did this thing last night when he was half erect and he had my legs up and I can’t say exactly what it was he was doing but I was quivering and panting with pleasure. Interestingly I was not even close to orgasm. It wasn’t building up tension. It was just intense pleasure. I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t care that it wasn’t leading anywhere. It felt so damn good. This was a first. We’ll have to discuss and maybe diagram what that was because it MUST be repeated.

Then we invented a new game. He held my breast and with every intonation of his voice he squeezed them. Think of those motion dolls that dance to music except this was his hand on my boob. Then I did the same with his balls. I made up a story and everytime it got intense I would squeeze hard. We were laughing so hard….. well…. I was… and he was too in between sqeels of pain.

——–

I think I’m realizing that when we argue it’s not always about whatever we happen to be heated about. It’s about more or even less sometimes. Sooo why take it all so seriously? We aren’t talking about life or death issues. We aren’t talking about issues that can have consequences if not settled correctly.

That said, we do have to learn to navigate each other better. I absolutely won’t take any more occurrences like last night. Heated arguments truly aren’t my thing. I got over the desire for passionate soap opera type fights in my 20’s. Now I just want to be happy. I just want ease. I just want spectacular orgasms. Doesn’t seem much to ask for. Right?

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After the last blog entry Brad said he was absolutely going to stop reading this. Lol. I believe his intention but I question his resolve. Guess we’ll see.

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I’m busy still trying to find a naturopath to work with me. It’s not about money. I know it could potentially be very financially lucrative, but like all things in life…I just want a good fit. I want someone that sees my vision and understands my ideology.

Yesterday I saw a client that I’ve seen for a while. He has lime disease and is doing an intense IV protocol. I have always suspected Lime was parasitic. Sure enough. Even though I’ve seen him for months I finally saw parasites coming out of him. It was a bittersweet sight. Then he tells me his wife has SIBO which I also suspect to be parasitic and would make sense since they cohabitate.

I need to find either a green naturopath that is open to believing that degenerative diseases are parasite driven or a learned naturopath willing to move into parasite killing protocols. I don’t want to even entertain the idea of having to entice someone financially. That would run completely against my heart.

Yes. We all have to live. We all have to eat and make a living. But I ABSOLUTELY refuse to do it off the backs of people, especially people desperately wanting health issues resolved.

I myself was there not that long ago. I was so sick suicide seemed almost a welcome and acceptable solution. So if anyone gets it…I do. Which is why I am desperate to bring this healing to others. If people could see and experience what I saw they’d understand. It’s scary and hard and amazing… all at the same time. It’s nothing like Western medicine. So I get that it’s hard for people to wrap their heads around. 15 years ago I would be holding a pitch fork too. Lol. No. I wouldn’t. But I get it. Changing paradigms is not easy.

But I can’t sit on the sidelines. I just can’t. I’m hoping once I get up and running, being able to offer a modified version of the Gerson Therapy for people that need to work and have a semblance of a life that Brad will join me. All I can do is offer. It’s not something I would ever force on anyone. Part of healing is wanting it and it’s not exactly easy. Sooo… he will need to decide for himself.

God will open a path…..I have faith. And if not this path… then something else. I have to believe….like the reiki healer said “this or better”. I leave it all in much better hands than mine. I will just keep moving ahead. This is where I need to be…. right? If not why would I be here? 😘💋💖

Volatile

I’m pissed. Pissed that this blog has reverted to a complaint board about my relationship with Brad. But here goes yet again…….

He’s always telling me to add pictures and will I say this or I should add that to my blog? I disregard most of what he says simply because my creative expression is my own and I feel zero obligation to him in that regard. I know he gets it.

I had weird dreams last night. In one segment Brad and I were trying to get to our car to leave. We both thought we knew where it was. We then got on an elevator and he proceeds to just take out his dick. The gentleman also wanting to get on backs off and remains waiting staring at Brad in disbelief. I shook my head side to side, sighed, rolled my eyes and said nothing. What was there to say?

It very much resembled our reality. Last night we both got aggravated and upset with each other on and off through the night. When we were finally alone I wanted to talk and clear the air. We sat on the couch and he took out his soft dick and placed my hand on it. To say I was world’s away from feeling horny was an understatement. Eventually he got the hint and put it away.

We settled nothing and he left soon after. We haven’t talked since. We are both such emotional people. We both tend to not always give each other the benefit of the doubt and add to that his keen ability to see himself as the martyr in the equation. It’s beyond frustrating and with neither of us getting sex it becomes worse as we are both very much sex driven.

Counseling earlier this week went well. We are still learning how to own our feelings and then express them non-threateningly. It’s a steep learning curve for both of us.

I crave intimacy with him so desperately but because it doesn’t translate so well into the bedroom there seems to be no make-up sex option for us. Theoretically I could torture him, but because that is born from desire and lust I don’t feel inclined.

It’s days like this that it pisses me off that he reads my blogs. That my ex reads them too and probably grins like the Cheshire cat about our issues.

I mostly hate that I don’t seem to have the capacity to fix this. I believe myself to be a competent, intelligent, savvy, resourceful, first rate problem solver. That’s my jam. Guess I better wipe off those honorary titles from my self professed accolades.

Why is this sooo hard??? For fuck sakes.

To fap or not to fap, life balance

I was reading this fascinating story earlier today about fap. It got me thinking about my own abstinence. Even when I’ve gone long stretches of time without partnered sex I still masturbate to completion. I think in my entire adult life I’ve never gone more than a couple months without sexual stimulation and release. I’ve always wondered could I, would I and should I abstain? And the resounding answer for me has always been absolutely not.

I need those oxytocin and endorphine releases desperately. Lack of orgasms only leads to frustration, moodiness, and depression. And orgasms are like a giant cure all for me. Like the Band-Aids that used to relieve all ailments when my girls were too little to know better. I can be sick, tired, grouchy, angry, hungry; sex will (at least temporarily) remedy almost anything…. especially good sex.

Maybe this has more to do with nymphomania than normal behavior, maybe not, no matter. I’ll take it. How often can one thing consistently make all things better?

All the same I’ve turned Brad down a few times now for sex, which I assured him would never happen when we first started dating. Why? It’s always been a combination of exhaustion and not wanting to be man-handled.

When I’m that tired I need him to not only put in almost all the effort but I also need to be treated very tender and lovingly. That is not in his wheelhouse…..yet. And I don’t want either of us frustrated so it’s easier to just abstain. I’m all for the inherent learning curve necessary for a new skill, but just not at that point. Because at that point I’m a horrible teacher. Think old pursed-lips Catholic School marm and replace her ruler with exasperated sighs and looks of complete disdain.

Doesn’t that sound wretched? No one wants that? Well…..lol…. I don’t. I don’t want to be that. So I turned him down again last night after not having sex for a few days. It’s a long period for us. He asked if this was our relationship now, if we were getting old? I laughed. I know I should explain things better to him but I don’t want him disappointed in himself. I don’t want him frustrated. Maybe I’m not giving him enough benefit of the doubt. Maybe I’m not letting him in enough. These are things to consider.

This relationship is challenging me in ways I had not seen coming. It’s not a bad thing. If anything it’s intriguing to learn new things and have new experiences. Turning down sex is definitely one of those new things; completely new in the context of a loving relationship. Lol. Who knew I had it in me?

——-

My life is off balance. Brad due to his injuries is not a very active person, athletically speaking. Exercise beyond sex is not on the agenda. Now that he is in my life my yoga/gym routine has fallen to the wayside and been replaced with many, many, many meals out. You can imagine what this has done to my waist line? It’s there somewhere…. I think. I just hit my absolute weight height yesterday. The one I promised myself I would never pass again. I am a fraction of a pound there. The horror!!!!!!

I absolutely can’t cut anything else out though, except sleep. Sooo. I may have to do what I used to do in my youth. Wake up at the crack of dawn to have an exercise routine. Consistency is necessary in any endeavor but most especially exercise. I’m not looking forward to it but I see no other way. Nothing else can be shuffled around. My house is already a mess. I have no where else to draw time from. Luckily I’m a morning person, so once I roll myself out of bed I’ll be fine. It’s the rolling out that early that will be a huge challenge at first. I sometimes wish that George Jetson bed existed in real life.

The one that pops you out of bed, dresses you, brushes your teeth and sets you on the way. I used to love that show. We’ll be there soon enough. At which point I’ll hate it and complain abysmally about laziness, complacency and computers running our lives. No wait. I already complain about all that. Lol

💖💋💖

Christmas Nap?

Is it naptime? I’m a bit tired and just so glad this day has come and soon will be gone.

Finished Elf and Christmas with the Kranks. Gonna start dinner soon. Tri-tip, mashed potatoes, roasted brussel sprouts, stuffing (dont ask, just craving it), homemade cornbread and chocolate cake.

Hoping for Christmas sex later. Fingers crossed. Ever since Brad installed the grading system for my orgasms he has been striving and hitting top marks; high 8’s and 9’s. Woot woot!! It makes me really look forward to sex….more than before. Which is hard for me to even believe.

And there are still a bunch of gifts under the tree from him to me that I plan to open when he gets here. I can honestly say I have never had so many gifts under the Christmas Tree before. Growing up my mom I always had very lean holidays and the one time my mom did go a bit overbaord we had a break-in and all the gifts got stolen.

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I’ve never had any partner that was good at buying me gifts. Brad is breaking that pattern. I hope he is breaking many more. I was almost afraid he wouldn’t come today. I know he is a little anxious about it and he wasn’t feeling well this morning. He has so many health issues. It used to worry me but now it just makes me sad. I care for him so much and I wish he would commit to doing the Gerson Therapy with me. I hope to have that up and going by February. He hasn’t said he would. Maybe he won’t. It might be a sticking point.

I can see myself being resentful. There is a huge divide between our lifestyles as it is; which worries me. Let alone how drastic things will be when I start the therapy again. It’s so involved and life altering. Knowing what’s in store I have no issue with it but coming from a different world like he is….well. Let’s see how it goes.

I haven’t talked to anyone today except my dad. It’s a bittersweet thing. I don’t feel social. I don’t feel like reaching out to anyone. I guess after too many years of this people have stopped reaching out to me. And add to that the divorce which made people unsure which one of us to support and how. It all makes perfect sense. Logical. Still hurts a tiny little bit. Not enough to keep dwelling on it though Dinner wont make itself. ðŸĪŠ

Wishing you a very sweet and merry Christmas day. 🎄☃ïļâ„ïļ

Kisses 💋💖

“Nothing Else Matters”- Metallica, Christmas conversations

The truth is the truth

No matter how great or horrific it may be

And it seems we get further and further from that

———–

When you know nothing matters

We all die

It all will end one day

And nothing and no one will exist

So all that matters then is the here and now

What I can control is my mindset and my actions/reactions

So all I can do is make those count

And I sleep much better at night

Trying to lead my life with my heart*

All I can do is my best.

I’ve always said I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I get that.

But hey man

At the end of the day

I just want to be happy.

Don’t we all?

Or do some of us truly want misery?

I like to believe we don’t.

I’ve never seen anyone who truly seemed to prefer it.

There are people that mire in it

That dont know a better way

That succumb to fear, anger and hatred

But even then……..

They have hearts

We all have them

Beautiful or rancid as they may be

———

*We all miss the mark now and then

———————

May God help us all not make truly horrible mistakes, make amends as much as absolutely possible for those we do make and achieve forgiveness. Especially for ourselves.

——

Symphony for the Devil – Rolling Stone

—–

Who am I?

Eventually nothing and no one will exist on this planet

Morbid as that may sound

It is merely stating reality as we know it to be

So if I only know this life

I only know being this self

Who do I want to be?

(No matter who or what the circumstances should dictate. Dig deep and ask…..)

Who am I really?

And do I fucking like that person?

—-++++++++++

It’s always much better to start in a place of complete acceptance for who you are BEFORE attempting any changes to that.

But I’m one to talk Miss as soon as I’m healthy and financially able to wants to get a full mommy make-over. Talk about stupidity. Lol. I get the irony**. Trust me!

——

**I don’t think irony is the right word here but it is the commonly known accepted understanding of that word I believe. I love English, but studying it is lame. It doesn’t make sense sooooo much. They should offer that class at University level if they don’t already. “The rules English breaks or don’t make any sense at all.” May have to be two semesters. 😋.

And don’t get me started on why we don’t use the metric system and such. No!!! Let’s not use a very easy to understand and logical unit of measurement that everyone else in the world uses. 🙄

Even Santa has Elves

I was unsure how I was going to get my tiniest bratlet another Christmas present. To say I was panicking a bit is an understatement. So when Brad stepped up and bought all three girls their “Santa” gifts I was so touched. I suppose that it would be hard to understand that because it caused me so much deep gratitude I was not able to really thank him verbally. It’s just that I’m so emotional sometimes with these kind of things especially concerning those damn kidlets that I can just see myself breaking down into a huge blubberball trying to say anything.

Today he is buying all the ingredients for our Christmas dinner. I’m planning a huge ham dinner with all the trimmings. This will be the first Christmas with another character in the mix, and the girls have mixed reviews. Up until last year we were still spending all holidays with their father….. and truthfully that wasn’t horrendous. It just wasn’t ideal and I knew it was probably confusing for them.

So now they are spending Christmas Eve with their father. Then we are all going to his great aunt and uncle’s for dinner and then the girls and I will do our usual spending all day in pajamas, opening presents and overeating yummy goodies for Christmas day. I can’t wait. I can’t remember the last time I was actually truly looking forward to Christmas this much. I recognize it may not go off without a few glitches, but such is life. Handle it as it comes. Hope for the best.

I hope your day is Merry and bright today. Pa-rumpa-pum-pum.

———

Oh and that damn man. He has really got my orgasm hard wired. He has finally figured out exactly what it takes to make me orgasm and can now even extend my orgasms substantially. It’s phenomenal!!

I still have fears and worries. I still am hesitant to believe my desires could lead to true happiness. We still argue. But right now I’m just going to let myself float on this soft, warm nebulous cloud of affection and adoration. “Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.”😇😉💋💖