Growing Distant

A wave of dissonance

With the world at large

Has swept over me

——

One on one

Is good

I enjoy

A few even

——-

But the travel and so many people’s energy

Especially those with covetous, envious, angry and sinister energy

Was a bit much for me

I feel the need to sequester myself

—–

Which is so odd since I encountered so many beautiful souls on my travels as well.

—–

I’m not questioning it.

—–

I’m so tired too. I have blood somewhere in my digestive tract. This is a new development for me and I know it’s rather serious but I’m not one to want to go see a doctor right away. Which is exactly what I would not tell a client to do. Lol.

I’m going to try and see if I can alleviate this myself. The colon is one the most regenerative parts of our bodies so I’m hoping I can figure this out on my own and repair myself naturally.

When in doubt go back to the basics. Right? Yes, of course. So tomorrow back to the the basics. Easy does it!!

Dear me, myself and i

Erase everything

Erase the past

Erase the future

Erase all that surrounds you

The people

The places

The scents, sounds, activities

All of it

Pretend there is nothing

Absolutely nothing

Except you

In all your naked glory

And a mirror

That’s it

That’s all there is

Picture yourself standing in front of this mirror

Look deep into your own eyes

Into your own soul

Do you like this person?

Do you like who this person is?

How this person behaves?

How this person lives? Eats? Works? Plays?

Is this your optimal self?

Optimal for this exact space and time?

Not some mythical realm of perfection

Not what you wish you had and were

But this person standing here now

With nothing outside of this person in existence

With all that this person before you is…..

Is this the best?

Could, without changing anything outside of yourself….. could you be better?

—-

Now…..

Put everything else back in place.

Sooooo

Then

If nothing in your world changed except that you were your best version of you that you can imagine

In the right here and now

What would that look like?

Now if everything else MUST stay the same as it currently is, but you are still free to be your best self.

How can you achieve that?

Without forcing anything outside of yourself to realign itself.

Without blaming anything or anyone.

As if someone took that best version of you and just plopped it into your place.

As an even exchange

What does that look like?

How would you now be?

Life can be resistance or life can be fluid. Knowing you only have real control over yourself.

Your actions.

Your thoughts.

Your experience.

Define it.

Designate it.

Stop letting outside factors designate and define you.

This is one go around.

Are you going to bring yourself to the table?

Are you going to give it your all?

Or are you going to die a slow death complaining and blaming your life away?

Get off your ass, soap box, high horse, tiny violin, drama fueled, passive-aggressive, anger driven, giving up/hopeless, head in the ground, or whatever your deal is issue at this moment…..

And start living your best you.

NO EXCUSES

——-

Wherever you are now

That’s home

Not some far away place

Not where you were yesterday, or

Tomorrow

As a child

In a dream

Or fantasy

No….

Now

In this body

In this time

In this place

Right here

Right now

Welcome to your life

Start fucking enjoying it!!

Irregardless

Blah blah blah

Uhu

Find it

Find your bliss

It’s not anywhere but

Exactly where you are now

I’ll give you a hint

It nothing outside of yourself

Or rather

It is found in only one place

Everything else can and may eventually be taken away

Such is life

There is one constant

YOU

Until of course

there is not a you

You gonna wait until then to live?*

It was orange. An orange moon. Hard to tell with an iPhone six in a turbulent airplane through thick reflective window panes. Lol

——

*hard sometimes when I think that maybe a lot of people, most especially myself here of course, would benefit from hearing this on a regular basis; but then maybe there are those that wouldn’t. That maybe shouldn’t. That need clarification of things even more basic then this before this applies. We are not all on the same path.

——-

My path in life has not always been easy.

But no complaints…. right now I feel I am being led to heal people. Not just in the capacity I currently work in but with people everyone has given up on. God keeps seeming to be directing me that way. There isn’t a guideline for this undertaking. So I’m waiting for the path to be lit for me. I am ready and willing to take the steps. Maybe I may have to take a few steps in blind faith. That’s ok too. But if God wants me to do this I will need a few more signs and definitely a lot of help. We shall see. One foot in front of the other. I may make some mistakes here; but this seems to be where I am needed. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Plans Change

Sooo. The conference ends tomorrow and I haven’t taken full advantage of being in sin city. We had a banquet and dance, but I figured most people would be fuddy-duddy and I did bring a Domme outfit. So I decided to go out after the event to a sex club or fet event*.

I wondered what to do? These people have seen me in my every day unsplendor. Just regular me in my nerd glasses and casual clothes. Do I wear my Domme attire to the event?

The logistics made more sense to do so since I wasn’t staying at the hotel where the conference is and I have walked those 4 blocks way too many times over the last couple days. So this is what I wore.

Pose 1

Pose 2

At first I was nervous. I kept my sweater on. Then after a few drinks I was like fuck it. This is me people. I hate that it takes alcohol still sometimes. It should not be that way. But…these are my colleagues. This is a professional atmosphere and I am merging worlds. Not an easy thing to navigate.

I ended up hooked up with some really fun fellow members and we partied until….. well… it’s 1:30 and I have to be back at the convention with my bags packed at 7:30am. Ay yay yay. Well. Not like I’d be sleeping well anyway. All the smoke. The cheap alcohol. The loud music and the bright lights and neon. It’s a surreal place. So far removed from how I like to live my life. This just isn’t me. If I never come back to Vegas I’d be perfectly alright with it.

Huge headache too. Going to try to masturbate it away. I doubt it will take since I think it has to do with environmental overload and definitely not just stress.

Goodnight Vegas…..as I hear the sound of the nightlife raging outside. The sound of a thousand souls wanting something they will never find here.

—–

Interestingly there was only one fet event tonight anyway. A rope event. Which wasn’t far and could have been fun. Portland has so many events each night it’s hard to even choose sometimes. Not that I go to that many but when I contemplate it at least there seem to be a lot of choices. Not too many femdom unfortunately, but beggars can’t be choosy.

Tinder

I just remembered I still have my Tinder profile up. I am so all over the place with my love life. Part of me feels like I should just not date at all and part of me thinks I should just keep doing what I’m doing and just go with the flow. Aiming for fun albeit not currently involving sex.

Ho hum. We shall see. I could turn on a dime.

Deliriously tired right now. I’m in a hotel room in Vegas. I’ve never been in Vegas by myself. Let me tell you….. being at conferences all day in a city hell bent on debauchery while I’m trying to stay sober, not gamble and stay far away from smokers has been a bit abysmal. Worst trip here ever and completely counterintuitive to the conference theme; which is holistic health through colon cleansing. Lol. Yea.

Just augments how juxtaposed my life always seems to be. Even things outside of my control reinforce the tendency.

I did buy this cute souvenir though.

Well. I just have a hard time sleeping alone, not in my bed and away from my kids. One of them is bad enough but all three is the sleepless trifecta. So I’m going to masturbate and hope I can sleep better than last night as I was literally nodding in the conference at the 3:30pm mark which seems to be when most people’s blood sugar naturally dips and mine took a severe nosedive.

Wish me luck.

Goodnight you miscreants. 💋❤️

My Sissy Boi & Ikea

I’ve always wanted to have an Ikea date. So I picked him up and took him there. We stuffed ourselves with meatball plates and yummy desserts. I added fries and a pear cider and he added a salmon salad and soda. Did you know Ikea offers a limited seating all you can eat buffet for $12.99? Neither did I. Seems odd, but I’d do it. But I’m not really a food snob…as you can see. Lol

We ate leisurely talking about mostly trivial things, with never a lull in the conversation. Then we meandered the path going into each staged room and trying all the chairs. He liked the leather chair with matching ottoman and I didn’t find a single chair I enjoyed sitting in. For specializing in furniture I find almost all of it abysmal; poorly designed and even worse completely uncomfortable.

But we had sooo much fun. By the time we finally got down to the first floor they were closing the store or we could have easily spent a few hours more there. He opens so much space for me. I feel so completely myself around him. He maybe errs on the side of being somewhat indecisive* but since I generally don’t mind picking up the slack and when pressed he does tell me his preferences; it doesn’t bother me in the least.

But I had promised the kiddo’s I would stop at the store for some treats on the way home** or I may have stayed and played with him. As it was the date was just a lot of fun and flirtation with a mild PG make-out session in the car before dropping him off.

I actually appreciate the time to get to know him better and build my desire for him. He is soo angelic and sweet. When I look into his blue eyes and big beautiful eyelashes I feel a deep sense of calm. How could I not? With him I feel so accepted and adored. I feel so cherished. It pains me that he is so young.

He has so much life to live and I wrestle with the thought that I can’t impose the life I have already lived on him and take away his chances at having more. I can not bare him children***. He is almost half my age so that is a real concern. We also don’t have a lot in common but we hold this space for each other that is very sweet and intimate and it never feels uneven or odd.

I also love how he looks in the lingerie I bought him. Isn’t it so cute the price tag is still on it? He has modeled this for me twice and never taken it off. Lol. He also recently shaved his face smooth and I absolutely love it. It makes him look even younger but so much more angelic and divine.

I want to shave his legs. He said he would let me. We will have to figure out when. I am trying to not get too attached and not let him get too attached to me. My end goal is marriage**** and while he is stable; owns his own house, has a decent job and he is kind and treats me so beautifully… I feel I must be realistic.

I don’t know. Too much to wrap my head around right now. I’m just going day by day, step by step. One foot in front of the other with no strategy in mind for my love life. Maybe because everything else is so overly organized and I’ve found affairs of the heart can not be always handled so matter of factly. There is a finesse; a depth… a sensitivity to it. That if you come at it too logically you could miss the joy of it entirely.

We shall see. For now he is very loving to me and it’s something I do so much need. Plus he needs a lot of nurturing himself; which is something that I love to give. I just don’t know if maybe I’m doing it wrong. I’ve waited two years now…. dating; kissing lots of frogs thinking celibacy was the way to go. And I feel better, free, happier having him in my life and he asks nothing of me really. How could I say no to him? How could I turn him away? Frankly….except for the age discrepancy I have no reason to. No reason at all.

My sweet little sissy boi. I may have to use my new toy on him….. toys and bois are to be played with after all. Right?

—–

*a notoriously bad Libra trait but being surrounded by them in life I’ve learned their style and he is more forward with his desires than most.

**the local grocery store I had told them I would stop at closes at 11 so I was on a time constraint.

***I mean technically I could and I am a very fertile woman but ummmm… no, just no. The factory is closed.

****or so I keep telling myself.

——

I really enjoy him because he enjoys himself. It isn’t humiliation. It isn’t degradation. It is just a fun and loving dynamic. Do I expect to have this same dynamic with all men? No. Absolutely not!! Every man is different. There is nothing I value more in life than being true to oneself. Being honest, vulnerable, real. That presents differently for everyone and even changes within each of us. Ever fluid.

Westworld III

“When you’ve been in the darkness long enough, you begin to see. I saw what lies ahead; who I needed to be in order to survive.” – Dolores

“I know you have a delicate constitution. So I will do my best to ease your conscious. What is about to happen will not be your fault” – forgot

“They destroyed the man I was, but then….. I was reborn. And this time I came out breathing fire.” Native Ake

“Perhaps this life is not my true life, this world was not my true home; but she was*” – Ake

“I feel I’ve…. loved you for so many lifetimes” – Native Koha

“I saw through their lies. I knew I would find her. But first I had to face the journey before me…… I had to put everything into my search. All of my heart and body. I searched distant territories; and hostile towns, an easy target for hundreds of enemies. There were days I had to fight for my life.” Ake

OMG. Sooo good. I stopped transcribing at one point. Just way too much. The dialogue was so good. So easy to extrapolate it all to my life, to the world, to existentialism.

——–

*I can sometimes hear Carrie’s mother’s voice from the movie Carrie; saying “they’re all gonna laugh at you”. Wicked.

Bad intro.

What I was gong to say here is that I know this isn’t my world. I have seen heaven and once you know that you realize this beautiful and painful or everything in between world….. this that we all hold onto so tightly…. this is not my real home. Heaven is……

Yet. I’ve seen hell too & if you knew hell you’d pack your shit and become a hermit in a cave if that’s what it took. I have proof there are more, many more worlds that intermingle with our own. I have had enough interactions with them. Not just worlds: entire different existences. Not in the space of time and travel. No. I mean parallel dimensions all at play in the here and now. Exactly where you are now is where all is. It’s quantum and spiritual. God I love science!! Suppose it’s all about what you believe though. Don’t take my word for it.

——

I just know. Clearer than anything….that I was promised someone to love. Someone who would love me as if through the eyes of God. I can’t explain it. I have prayed for it, wished upon it, felt it my entire life. That it is coming for me. I never thought I’d have to wait so long….. but I will wait as long as I need to…. to know it is real.

—–

So back to the show…..

I love Westworld; but must it be so gory. I get it. People like in your face shit. Just ugghhh. Some of it is too much for me sometimes. I’m a light weight when it comes to that. In reality. If I had to be faced with such bloodbaths I’d figure it out. What choice do you have? In the “I don’t have to look at that crap if I don’t want to world”. Wait….. hmmmmmm…… where… where does that place exists? Oh. Wait. Denial…yep…. I suppose that is the place. It’s way too crowded there though. Way too crowded.

——–

my day

Went to a School District meeting tonight. They were discussing pesticide use on school grounds. 4 hours of my life wasted. These people charged with making decisions could have at least TRIED. But noooooo….. follow the status quo. Does it matter to anyone that a major pesticide lobbyist had private time during the meeting with the board members?

I just don’t get it. These people had a chance to make a positive change in the world or at least TRY….but noooooo. Heaven fucking forbid you ad work to someone’s paygrade. Ruffle feathers because you want to change the ways things are done. Nope. Doesn’t matter that we are talking about children here. Doesn’t matter that they could have set a precedent for the city and for other school districts. Nope. Lazy bureaucracy wins again. The stupor is stupefying.

——–

Why do they have alerts about alerts? I get it. “Be Prepared”. Ugghhh. Whatever. Just instills fear. Ok fine. But you should have some antidote. The other extreme. If you’re going to make me afraid then I request you paint me a better picture too. Can I have alerts about good things too maybe? Not just good, not just great, something absolutely fucking epic. Can I get that alert interrupting my TV show too? Interrupting my child’s classes. Yea. Didn’t think so. Ok. You can make it up to us another way. Let me think…….

Logically

How do you suppress/depress/repress a society

You seek those that are vulnerable

To destroy even the more vulnerable

How do you elevate a society

By helping the most vulnerable

And working your way up

This trickle down bullshit is just that

Bullshit

—–

The only thing is we are all vulnerable

All of us have weaknesses

Ask yourself

Who is exploiting yours?

For what gain?

To whose benefit?

I guarantee you

The chances are it is not for yours

——

Home – Passenger