Angry

I won’t up angry. So angry that I had a sore throat.

Then I read this story about Tony Robbins being accused of misogyny and harassment and I feel vindicated because I’ve always disliked him. He never sat right with me and I didn’t have cause for it before……

Then Brad says “maybe he is innocent” and I fucking lose it on him. People LOVE to play that card. Which is completely statistically inaccurate. For every one false accusations, at least 100 victims do not come forward (I venture to say even exponentially more, probably thousands). False accusations are absolutely not the norm.

It’s like if a gaint corporation gets accused of embezzlement and fraud. No one says “They probably didn’t do it”, no! Most people say “I hope they fry.” or some similar head shaking and disgruntlement. Why is it we still don’t want to give victims credence? I’m not saying no due process. I’m not saying to immediately hunt down the accused and kill them. I’m simply saying that we should believe the person in the victim position, until it is proved otherwise….which again statistically speaking is usually not the case.

It is SO HARD for victims to come forward. It’s not for no reason that I personally know 4 grown women who were sexually abused by their own father’s and never told about it. I’m not saying don’t hold a place for possible innocence…..just ALSO hold a place for compassion and belief for the person who is voicing something that is really hard to voice.

Does anyone really think people WANT to come forward with accusations that are so damaging against the victim themselves and can have serious emotional, social, financial and more consequences. Sure. There are some idiots out there but definitely not as many as people seem to think there are.

But anyway none of this is why I was angry. Last night I went to bed asking God what I could do for my terminally ill client. She was coming right back in this morning after we got done at about 11pm last night and while the colonic had provided her with great relief I wanted to know if there was anything else I could do or say…..but nothing. Nothing came and I woke up feeling so angry. Not purposely. I just did. There was no foresight to it.

The session didn’t go as well as I had wanted but my main goal had been to pray for her today and do some energy clearing. I asked her and she seemed happy about it. I cleared some energy blocks and just asked God to do whatever God needed through me and my hands started to shake uncontrollably and all of a sudden a beautiful wave of deep calmness swept over me and I knew she was going to be fine.

I don’t have more words for that. The calmness reminded me of the look of complete peace and happiness my own grandmother had when she died of cancer in hospice. After her treatment she showed me her body wounds: the tumors, the screws sticking out of her neck, the gaping wounds where the cancer was just oozing out blackness. I generally don’t like gory things but this was different. This was like being a witness to her suffering. I mostly just listened to her and when I walked them to her car she said “I usually don’t do hugs, but I feel like we should” and I was so glad because I’m the same way and I felt the same too.

I told her how proud I was of her…..and of him….the man that has been with her through this journey and carried her around and helped her with her functions. They have a strength most people never have to know. And it was such a quiet moment when they left. And yes I cried.

Life sure can be shitty and unnecessarily so is the worst part. Unnecessarily so.

Hoping your day is full of quiet strength. 💖🙏🏽🌈🥰💋🌊

Fate Dictates (long)

Let me let the cat out of the bag…..

So I was rattling my brain trying to figure this work thing out. I even called my mom to no avail. First, a colleague offered me two days in her clinic. We have the exact same equipment and I adore her. She’s been in practice 25 years and she has enough work to be open 7 days but is only open 5. So I am taking 2 days until her employee gets back from leave in October. It’s income I can rely on, which will also allow me 5 days to work on my own business.

But before that happened I went to the Wyndham timeshare interview and after I accepted the job from my colleague I got offered a second interview for the position I wanted with the timeshare; which was inside marketing as opposed to outside marketing at events and just out and about. Not that I wouldn’t be good at either but just to make things easier it’s nice to have people come to you.

The pay structure is really good too, base plus commission. Plus great benefits; medical, 401k matching and more. It’s meeting a quota but it seemed a very reasonable one and I’ve worked under quotas before. As long as the numbers are there to achieve the quota then it’s all good. It’s like how I feel about dating…..you just keep at it, not taking rejection personal, and enjoying interacting and meeting people; over and over and over. Same thing really just a different goal.

So. I decided to take the second interview because I figured if I get offered the job, which isn’t even full-time, if it comes down to it and I enjoy it and the pay really does come through then I can always sublet my business. While still helping Jill out too. I even have someone who I think would be superb at it and overqualified since she’s a nurse. I can work both these other jobs and pay off my debt and build some savings.

Anyway. I was still very conflicted because that’s a lot of balls to juggle and I’ve worked my ass off for almost two years building my baby (business) up and it would be hard to let it go. But also, then of course, not having financial stress and knowing I can help my girls with college and have good benefits and real medical and not this free, no dental, vision or mental health care plan.

Ugghhhhhhh

So then…….as fate often does. It intervened. See…this right here is a prime example of why I say worry is a waste of time. Because we don’t always or even often get to see what lies ahead. We merely get an inkling based on past experiences, current parameters, and gut instinct.

Yesterday I get a message from a very young woman wanting colonics. I called her back and was going to ask her age since she sounded so young, but when I got her on the phone her maturity level was much more obvious. She wanted an emergency appointment, she’s coming from 3 hours away and has cancer. I was apprehensive but when she said she was on hospice and her doctors approved I felt compelled to help her, of course.

So I booked her for after my second interview today, but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to have the energy for her. So I cancelled the interview. They either reschedule to a time and day that works for me or they don’t. I’m not sure there is much more to it. I don’t feel bad. I have absolutely zero regrets and there is nothing more to think about really.

Zero is zero.

I want to clear my space really well for her. Work on grounding myself and aligning my own energy. I haven’t done any intentional energy work on any of my clients for a while. I’ve just had a lot going on personally and I’m not sure where I stand with that all right now. But I do know if she wants me to I would like to say a prayer for her. We shall see. It’s not about me anyway. I know I’m just a conduit*.

I’m just truly looking forward to meeting her. Brad says…..”how can you handle that?”. Truthfully not that long ago I am not sure I could have. But recently I’ve been killing ants**. I know. Shocking. 🤣 But how I justify doing it is by saying a prayer for them. After all, how great could it be to be an ant? I mean really? And I kind of feel the same way about being human lately. How great really is it?

There has got to be better realities, better experiences, better connection to self and spirit than this crazy place. And I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful, I am definitely not trying to be. If anything I am one who tries to make the absolute best of everything life hands me and I am so happy for any kindness and generosity I receive. I like to think I only have one time on this merry-go-round and I try to enjoy it and make the most sense I can of it.

It will end for us all one way or another. So who’s to say how, when, why, and where, and even yet…..what comes next? I like to think that just likes the ants the good souls of this Earth travel on to much better planes of existence and it’s sad to lose beautiful souls but it’s also so nice we got to love and have them in this world, for however long they came for.

This existence isn’t everything. It’s just one thing. I guess I chose to embrace the chaos and laugh and cry my way through; one way or the other. That’s all I can figure to do really. I mean…what else is there? Not much else I’ve seen brings peace of mind like acceptance does.

That’s my stand and I’m sticking to it; while also acknowledging that miracles happen. They do happen indeed, I just don’t happen to be in charge of those decisions. I’m just here doing the best I can. 😉

🙏🏽💖🌈🥰💋🌊

——-

*Like we all are. I don’t claim to be special.

**I typically don’t kill things. Not that I haven’t before. Sustenence is also a much different thing but anyway…… I just don’t feel its my right knowing what I know about the spirit and soul of everything and everyone***. It’s just that in my business I try to maintain a certain very high level of cleanliness and ants, spiders, what have you are not allowed. To be fair even my kids aren’t allowed in here and I love them. Lol. I can get spiders out but trying to coral ants to get them outside is a uselessly time-consuming endeavor. Try it for yourself. Interesting pastime I guess if you needed one.

——

***I am pro-life and pro-abortion if anyone cares. I believe every soul deserves to be born once it is conceived but I also believe it’s no one’s right to force a woman to carry a baby she’s doesn’t want and/or can’t afford in a world that does little to support the nutritionally and emotionally starved children it has already.

Three choices in life

What if we were all given 3 choices when we received these bodies and this experience? We were told you could:

A) Live a life of servitude to God, being like Jesus and other Saints, living a life with your heart wide open. It will be challenging but rewarding in ways you could be never even imagine and take you places you’d never now believe exist. But it may come at great personal sacrifice.

B) Live a life of simplicity. A life where you are happy for the things you have, the people you love and the experiences that are presented to you. Giving thanks for all things big and small; not really bothering with any big picture items, just living your life, doing the best you can, with peace of mind.

C) Live a life of ignorance. Being a very me-centric person; seeing everyone and everything through a filter of “how will this benefit me?”, “what can I get out of this?”, “what’s in it for me?” and never really stepping outside of yourself and your life to see and understand the lives and hearts of others.

Now of course, we aren’t presented with only 3 options in life. Every minute of every day of every moment of our existence we are confronted with many, many choices in a wide range of these spectrums; including self-sabbotage, fear, anger and hatred. Every moment is a choice of who we want to be, who we let ourselves become, and which way we lean. And while this can be an overwhelming thought it can also be a very calming one, because no matter what happens outside of us, we are almost always in charge of what happens inside of us. We get to choose.

This will be obviously contradicted especially (I’m guessing) by those fighting depression or psychosis, but I beg to differ. When we can accept ourselves for who we are and adapt, when we can make accomodations for ourselves and figure out our own triggers and learn to manipulate our own drama in our head so it helps us and doesn’t hurt us. When we learn to play to our strengths in life and not let our weaknesses destroy us then it becomes a choice.

I never ever said, nor will ever say life is easy. I just think there is a way to work the system to be happy, while still playing the stupid games we seem to be forced to play.

I have no idea historically if we were ever more “woke” as a people. The need to survive and procreate is our main drive in life, with spirituality coming in from next to last. It’s an individual choice is the thing. It ALWAYS will be and that’s the crux and the beauty of this life.

Enjoy your day! Gloomy and raining here. We never really get thunder. But I wouldn’t mind a thunderous day. That would be quite exciting, I think.

🙂🌈🥰💖🙏🏽💋

Busy day

Ay yay yay

What a week. Already. Lol. I had three interviews, which I haven’t done in years. I didn’t even stay for the end of the first interview, I knew I didn’t want that job. And I’m keeping the rest under wraps for now but let’s just say……😁👍🏽😉

My clientele jumped from 5 clients this week to 10 in the blink of the eye. So thankful and I just love my clients. They are all so unique and some are so digestively challenged that it makes me truly thankful to be able to give them relief. And it makes me so happy to see return clients too, I can’t explain but it settles my heart. Yesterday I caught one off guard when I gave her a huge, strong hug, and it’s not about the money. I can’t explain it right now really but it’s just so beyond that.

——-

I didn’t sleep well last night. I think I was anxious about the health expo today. Plus I have two clients and a doctor’s appointment for one of the kiddo’s and grocery shopping to do. Feeling a bit like a chicken with its head cut off just zooming around. Yet I feel oddly more relaxed than I have felt in months. It’s amazing how much weight and burden financial stress carries.

I’m still of the mind that it is a crime against humanity with the wealth and resources of this world to not be able to provide some semblance of stability for everyone. Just the basics: food, shelter, water, healthcare. If this was provided universally we would not have 1/100th of the problems we do in this world: including immigration, stress, crime, war.

And I know I am way too idealistic, but you know what…….nothing that ever existed materialized out of thin air. There was a spark, a thought, a catalyst, a desire, a need….something. We are past the point of keeping on keeping on with the idiotic way the world functions. And this isn’t about me, it isn’t even about my kids, it’s about humanity and earth and the future of our species.

I’m sure aliens must look at how we function and laugh at our egomaniacal, selfish lunacy. All I can do is roll my eyes, take a deep breath and keep my head up.

Enjoy your day beautiful people of this sector of the Galaxy. 💋😉🌈🥰🙏🏽

They came again

I finally settled into bed about 12:30 last night. The house was quiet. I was doing some deep relaxation techniques: deep mindful breaths, relaxing every part of my body, feeling where any tension was, telling myself “I am safe”…..it works for me.

When all of a sudden I feel a presence come into the room and settle on the bed next to me. Not a physical presence, the bed didn’t move, but there was no uncertainty about it. I was about to ask them to leave when it occurred to me to check the date. Sure enough the night of the 13th. I laughed a little. You’d think I’d remember by now. It’s only the 3rd month in a row now….but I don’t. If it’s not expressly marked in my agenda it doesn’t get thought of and I haven’t written this down.

My other thought around this is that maybe there may come a day I’m not needed…..maybe? I tend to think not but all the same I did appreciate the subtle and gentle reminder. So I said a prayer and cried, because well…..I’m not sure why. It’s just emotional for me for some reason. I ask for God and whatever lies beyond to open up a passage for these lost souls to whatever their next journey is.

I also said a prayer for those not ready to cross. It’s a bit more in depth and there is a method to my thought process around it and I guess it must work because why else would I be called back to it time and time again.

I’m glad I set the parameter at once a month though. Brad said “these poor souls have to wait a month?” jokingly and I laughed. I said compared to eternity a month is less than a blip. I don’t assume I can help everyone, but my motto has always been if I can truly help just one it will be worth the effort.

I wonder if once I depart this world I’ll get to meet these souls and hear their stories. I’m still a bit closed off from even remotely considering myself a medium, even if I do feel and see their presence sometimes. It isn’t consistent and frankly I have enough to deal with in this tangible world than having to also constantly think about the intangible.

In this life time and kindness are the commodities I am most aware of and value. One runs out and one I must work at never running out; both equally important to my life as a being in this world.

Anyway…. just wanted to share. I don’t expect everyone to understand this. It’s one of those “it is what it is” things and I don’t expect everyone to believe me either. But sometimes the truth isn’t something you can or want to prove to anyone. You just accept it as your own truth and move on. Such is my life. Lol

Enjoy your day!! Raining here. Which I like. I like my world to have texture and nuances. Just one thing over and over is ok too if you absolutely love it, but variation is also pleasant.

💋🥰🤗🌈💖🙏🏽😚

Never been proposed to….

I’m obsessed with love…..all of it. Sex isn’t love necessarily, but it can be. Even beyond just making love. Right?

—–

The teenager got a promposal tonight. It was fairly simple but took some planning and effort and was still super cute. Promposals remind me of proposals for obvious reasons but they also invoke a sense of anxiety in me. Anxiety on men’s behalf because….the whole thing just seems like it can be a bit stressful and anxiety for the girls that don’t get to have the experience of being promposed to.

Now I’ve, as of this last year and more, been of the mind that it would be cool being the one doing the proposing and that is the absolute truth but there is still something deeply ingrained in my girl brain that says “but isn’t it romantic?”. There is that part of me that still wants to be proposed to.

I was telling Brad all this tonight via text (showing him the promposal pictures) while I watched Killing Eve, a new show he got me hooked on that I binge watched some of tonight. He said to just wait…..that one may be coming.

I’m absolutely flattered and it does make me happy to think Brad cares for me so much to want to marry me…..if that is indeed what he was hinting at, but I can’t without any doubts in my mind say yes right now. I don’t know if my faith in men or in myself is broken far too much. I don’t know if it’s just that the nature of our relationship is too tumultuous to make me feel certain about a happily ever after. I just don’t know.

So I basically told him as kindly as I could think to…..please don’t propose to me. It’s so odd because I do care for him so deeply and I depend on him so much and I know he depends on me as well.

I guess I was sitting on the couch watching the show all “sad girl” and the teenager wanted to know what was going on and asked specifically about Brad and I felt compelled to tell her what I had told him and she says “of all relationship problems to have that’s not really a bad one”. I guess seen from that perspective she’s not wrong. The pupil may just be smarter than the teacher now….it seems. Good for her.

And who knows…. maybe someday I do get my happily ever after. After all, it doesn’t have to look like a rom-com, or follow any standard protocol, it just has to be authentic and heartfelt and pure and even more so…….I want to be absolutely certain that the road ahead is the one I want to be on. I’m not settling for less. Even if that means never being proposed to….. well…..so be it.

You know….. maybe I’ve lived all my harrah’s as far as love. Maybe I don’t get to experience all the silly things in life or maybe I orchestrate them myself. Who’s to say really. Right now……..I just need to get my head out of the clouds and concentrate on the task at hand. Shake all the fairy dust up, swirl it madly like a snowglobe and see how it all resettles. The last thing I need to be thinking about right now is a proposal, especially one that hasn’t even happened yet. Right?

Goodnight beautiful rock with all its wild inhabitants. The morning is coming quickly and beauty rest is a much needed thing. Indeed. 💋💋💋

🙏🏽💤💖🌈🤗🥰

The more I think about it……

I enjoy dating. I enjoy meeting people and I have only ever had one “bad” date and that because he was clearly on drugs or had severe ADHD. Even then he wasn’t horrible or unbearable and it’s always interesting talking to people and seeing where they are in life.

Which brings me back to Brad. He’s been gone for two weeks now. We seem to be talking and texting less especially now that we aren’t doing phone sex anymore, per my mental health professional. I thought it was a good call. We’ll see if I can keep heeding it.

I was reading an article last night about how women can’t compete with men in one simple area in the work place……time. Mostly because women who have families are generally still the ones doing most of the errands, household chores and child rearing. The article went to explain that most women justify this to themselves by saying that their men do some things and it could be worse. Joy! 🙄

Statistically men do, at most, about 35% of the workload. At 30% men feel they are doing equal. So that extra five percent is for the real go-getters I guess. Lol. Now granted I do all the work around here and the house is always a mess. But I can keep my studio pretty immaculate and I’m happy with that. I’ve only got so many hours and so much energy and chores are not very high on my must do list. They just aren’t and they will never be; not as long as I have kiddos home at least.

All this to say I don’t know that I will get married again. Let’s step ahead even. Let’s say….I am financially solvent, single and have the time to date. I just don’t see it anymore realistically. It took me a long time…… years to have a boyfriend and as much as it is great sometimes….. I can’t see it going into marriage. I just can’t.

But………. I’ve got too much going on right now to even consider dating again. And I do have Brad, and even if we downgrade our thing to just friends with benefits then that will still be really good. I’m not even trying to think that far ahead anymore. I’m not sure what the future holds. Right now more than anything I just need stability for myself and my kiddo’s. That’s my only focus right now and also trying to maintain my sanity amidst all the stresses of life.

I was also reading an article where Warren Buffett says that he affirms that the number one attribute needed in life is ethics/integrity. I absolutely agree, but is it easier or harder when you’re rich? My mother said to me to consider prostitution if I had to. I laughed….. I’m not sure why. I know she meant it. It’s just that I never expected her to say that I guess. Prostitution isn’t my thing. I would go pro-domme way before that.

But I think for now I want to concentrate on my spiritual training more. I’m hoping that laser reiki class starts this summer. I had really been looking forward to that and I’m super bummed it got delayed. There are a lot of “healers” already available in the area, and in the world I think. So I have to figure out for myself what I bring to the table. Right now results aren’t consistent, which again probably has more to do with what is ordained…. than with me, but how can I charge for something I’m not sure I can deliver. Sometimes it’s gang-buster’s and sometimes it’s lackluster. Although to be fair in the cases I can’t seem to help people they also don’t seem to really want my help…..deep down. 🤷🏽‍♀️

You know…..I’m half way through my life…..if I’m that lucky, and I still feel I have soo much to learn, to see, to experience.

I have an interview today for a part time sales job. If it’s not something wretched then I can probably sell it. I’m more worried about the sales tactics. If I can be left alone to meet my quota once I’m trained I should do fine. I think tomorrow’s interview will be better. It’s for Wyndham and while I don’t have a timeshare I do love them. Frankly though I hate peddling shit, but sales is the one of the few jobs that pays well part-time and isn’t physically demanding. Mental challenges I can handle. I’m also applying for some part-time secretarial jobs but you’re hard pressed to find them at the pay scale I need and there are no additional incentives or bonuses as there are with sales.

Then I have 5 clients booked this week already and one health expo. I also want to keep working my gym routine in. It helps my peace of mind a lot. Even if it hasn’t affected the scale as of yet. Ok. So that was my long life wrap-up. It’s Monday. Go team go!!! Let’s do this!!

Happy Monday! 🙂💖💋🙏🏽🌞🤗🌈🥰