Sugar Plum Fairies Come Forth

We all have our dreams. I spend a grandiose part of my day daydreaming. Most of it not sexual, but some of it very much so.

It stands to reason that I have envisioned how this business goes in a sexual fantasy way.  A sexual fantasy for me though, right?   Yes!  Who else would it be for?

In the escort way I completely anticipate in the exact same way as “Pretty Woman” minus…well anyway. Who knows? Lol 😉

Then in the Hostess way I would love to bring my very own submissive with me. To show what it looks like. To let other men and women indulge a little in both kinds of fantasies. (PG-13 gutterheads.)

The Mistress would have me emailing or faxing a 2 page questionnaire so that the experience could be magical from point ay to zee.

Foot fetish. Well. You’d have to know about it to know about it. It’s not sexual in the general sense of the term most people use but it is. Kind of like the above example. Hard to explain. It’s different in the sense that it isn’t about the pleasure necessarily that comes with touching the feet. It encompasses a lot more. Aspects people may not think about off-hand as being sexualized.

Hey. Different strokes for different folks. Consenting adults. All good!! Always. Unless drugs, coercion, psychological abuse, etc is going on. (Sign of the cross here folks). Somethings are so horrid even I revert back to my Catholic roots in prayer. Lol

Hey. Reality doesn’t mirror fantasies….except when it does…except when it’s even better.

Wouldn’t that be fucking fantastic!!! (I’m not necessarily referring to the above dreamscapes either.) 😉

Lazy Mistress

I am busy. Come 5pm I run out of batteries and a bath is the most work I can think to do after that time zone. I make exceptions for dates, friends, dancing, parties, sex and a few school activities for the kiddo’s. For the most part I tend to be home making dinner and getting nestled in for the night.

My brain effectively shuts off. Everyone knows not to even try to discuss anything of seriousness with me after this time because my brain is pretty much mush.  Fun yes. Sure!  Seriousness not so much. No!

So this leaves me at a loss for many things. Reading. Hobbies that involve brain cells. Thinking in logical patterns. It’s truly a wonder that I can even write; but the quiet of the night is the only time I can do it..so that is when it gets done.

So this Domme thing…well. Yes. I’ve been thirsting to be a domme before I even knew anything about BDSM. I started pegging my boyfriends before I even understood the symbolism that it held. It just comes very naturally to me and I can’t say why honestly.  I won’t go as far as to say I manipulate people because that simply isn’t the case.  I do tend to get people to do what I want but that also means giving people what they want. Which means I have to have a grasp on what their deep desires are and give them that so that they in turn can give me what I want and I do so lovingly. I do it with adoration. I do it wanting to give them what they want…ok…yes….maybe at a cost, but never one they can not afford to give.

I do this with everyone. It isn’t sexual per se. But….

I do love being a domme. I love being in complete power of my own sexuality and then completely dominating someone else’s sexual behavior. It’s fucking intoxicating as hell. I lust for it. Deeply!!

So why then do I not exert more energy into becoming one…not just any one of course; a great one. Why?  Ugghhh. I don’t know.

I could give a million reasons but reality is I have not been sufficiently incentivized to do so and it isn’t a priority. I take more enjoyment from it than almost anything else I do yet without having a specific person to unleash it on I just don’t see the point. It’s like learning to paint and never having any canvas or paints to work with. Why would anyone do that?

Maybe if I start booking some Mistress jobs I will find myself in the circumstance of having to learn more; to dominate different personalities. Generally speaking though I find myself a good enough judge of character and deviancies in people to understand what they need.

I guess we will have to see how far that will carry me.

I do one day want a red room. I do enjoy the sexual aspect of playing. And being a Mistress is a part of me that I never want to lose, in fact I have it on my agenda to tap into the power more, to really find my Domme persona and bring her more to the forefront. Maybe only in a sexual capacity…maybe not.

Although truthfully I like myself exactly how I am. I like people to think I’m meek. I have no issue with that at all. When I need to be strong I am. The vast majority of the time. Crying is allowed. Fuck whoever says it isn’t. Lol. Digressing.

There is always room for growth in life. I want to be a fucking fabulous ass Domme. I would like to do that for one really special person but if it becomes a fun job hey….well then fantabulous.  How many people can say that their sexual fantasies are their source of income, especially if we consider that it wouldn’t even involve sex?

Alright life. Incentivize me!!

2 Months

I’m going to take the next couple months to get myself financially stable; one way or another. The universe seems to be leading me in the direction I actually want to go, just not as swiftly as I need. But I will keep working my ass off until the income I need to survive starts to materialize. Good thing I like challenges in life. Lesser souls may have given up by now. My tenacity or sheer stubbornness has a way of helping me out sometimes.

What I didn’t anticipate however was to be blindsided by an unreciprocated love affair. To realize one is not thought of as highly as one wanted or desired as much as one had thought one was can be mildly devastating. Especially when one had the hopes of making something substantial out of the situation. Alas…life doesn’t always work that way. I could sit here and chastise myself for lack of foresight or letting myself get so engulfed…but I’m not sure what purpose that would serve.

I don’t have enough space or time to look at this objectively yet. So I am going to just allow myself these next few months to give dating a backseat. Catch my breath a bit. Get myself organized and stabilized and then charge forth again with my usual bright spirit. I’m going to nurse my wounds for a bit here and redirect that energy towards a much more necessary endeavor.

It’s just too bad that all that dating got me nothing of great consequence; not even a lover. But I had fun. I won’t complain. I am ever so truly grateful to be treated well; to be thought of highly; to be desired.  I pushed myself to the highest of my capabilities working with what I have and who I am. I didn’t expect it to be everyone’s cup of tea but many doors did open for me and that is not something I take lightly or trivially. Deeply honored.

Why I found what I desire with a man that couldn’t give me what I wanted? Well.  Maybe it’s just life laughing at me and asking me to stop taking myself so seriously. Ok universe. Fine. I get it. I’ll laugh again. Just not right this second. Let me pause a minute and wipe these tears. Let me clear my throat and start again fresh in a tiny bit.

2 months. Which when the minutes crawl like slugs and the days seem to drift aimlessly like dandelion petals in the wind may appear like complete lifetimes away. But it’s a goal. A landmark for my soul to look upon in the horizon of what has of late been a somewhat bleak and somber landscape.

Maybe a visit to the sex club is in order. That always cheers me up.

Being Celibate Sucks!!

In my younger days I wished there had been a way to hire a healthy straight Adonis to fuck the life out of me. I would have gladly paid to just get a fulfilling fix when I wanted it.

Now it doesn’t cross my mind anymore to pay for sex, but that’s not to say that sex itself doesn’t cross my mind. It is an almost constant. Not a day goes by I don’t deeply crave the intimacy and/or release and/or pleasure and yet…here I am abstaining.

I get hit on. I get propositioned at the sex club multiple times generally. I have a rolodex of men on my phone happy to acquiesce given a chance. Yet here I remain…longing.

Hoping that the wait will be worth the sacrifice, because this time around I want it all. While a lover has suited me in the past they were generally men I didn’t really care for and would never pass the threshold beyond just sex and they suited that end perfectly well.

Now I am waiting for my best friend. I am waiting not for a savior or man in shining armour but a fellow human being full of nuances and vulnerabilities just like everyone else. I want my playmate that I can start crossing things off my sexual bucket list with: threesome, orgy, sex swing, on and on…yes please.

So I wait in what will be the closest equivalency to virginity a man my age range can hope for….chaste for a good cause. I want to unleash myself on one deserving man. A man who I can give my heart and body to and will cherish me deeply for everything I encompass. The good, the bad and the deviant.

Can I get an Amen?  😉

I love that Sophie Tucker song “Fuck They”

This thing with Kurt made me realize that I am not your average kitty cat.  While yes, I have 2 years of psychology and behavior modification under my belt and I have a lot of great things to show for it: an amicable divorce, the best self esteem I’ve ever had, a better relationship with my children and parents, etc. I have also issues that have not and may not ever go away.

We all have our drama. I know now relationship-wise I still desire a high level of co-dependence. I need a high level of intensity and charge. I crave a relationship where I can have a lot of freedom and trust and yet still have a significant level of enmeshment and possessiveness. Can I say that this is healthy? Maybe most people wouldn’t think so but to me it feels like home. It is what I need. What satisfies the deep cravings of my soul.

Honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I am learning that things are not going to be exactly how I think they are going to be and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite glorious to accept that maybe what makes you intrinsically happy isn’t the “picture of normalcy”, but if it works for you and it’s good for you….who gives a fuck?

I don’t think my version of “happily ever after” will look anything like everyone else’s, because frankly I’m not like everyone else. I have desires that grow wild and untamed. I have deviancies that have their one deviancies….and I think now…instead of trying to be someone I’m not and chastise myself for it… I am going to embrace it and cherish it. I will never be vanilla. I will never be a prim little proper princess. I will both roar and lay myself at the alter of love as a sacrifice interchangeably….because that is who I am. It is who I enjoy being. It is who I will be deep down regardless of how many more years of therapy I have now come to realize…..because deep down I will resonate only with that which enchants my heart….and I’m ok with whoever that may be. No more judgment from my head about it. I’m letting it be and there is such a deep satisfying freedom to that…because all this work does make me see…ultimately I do have my own best interest in mind. Ultimately the heart wants who it wants for good reasons of its own…and I am good with that. Wherever it takes me.

I say that while I literally am dating no one; sleeping with no one. I have no one on the horizon and no interest in any person right this second…beyond what doesn’t seem meant to be.

At least….I’m figuring things out…and allowing myself to accept that what I will one day have will never resemble “normals”. It can and will be my greatest happiness. It will just be our very own version; a healthy and good for both of us yet deviant and highly co-dependent for most people relationship with someone just a little bit broken too. Frankly when you look at it that way it makes perfect sense. And truly I’m just at the point in my life where “I don’t give a fuck about they”!!

Bring it…..no?

So this is what I want.   Boys, prep your virgin ears for some nasty ass shit. You know that old blood smell that women have at the end of their cycle when they are in the last days of their period and it’s rather odiferous. I mean come on. This dying blood has been sitting inside us for days, trickling out and sluffing off dead uterus lining. I’d pay to see your face right now.

Anyway. If I could find a guy willing to go down there and lick me clean because they couldn’t fucking wait to taste it. Now that kind of passion is something  I could enjoy tremendously.  I’m waiting for it to come in a more healthy version than I’m used to.

One with devotion, understanding, tenderness,and trust. One that will hopefully last through this lifetime and beyond.  I think I deserve that.  We all deserve that and I’m willing to give that too.  Obviously not literally that, I mean the D.U.T.T. part.

Boy Crazy

I’ve always been boy crazy. I did have a spell where I felt I went both ways in high school.  A period where I really wanted to be with a girl. By my 20’s when I got to actually try it I was not able to relax enough to enjoy it; even with mass amounts of alcohol. Now I think woman are still glorious and I would love to make out with one. However, I can’t see myself in a relationship with one. I have only 3 times been attracted enough to a girl to be like; um yea…sign me up.  And that hasn’t happened in 20 years. Soooo. Who knows?

Meanwhile still as boy crazy as ever and drum roll here please……..

I can fall madly in love again. I am just so thrilled, because I really wasn’t all that sure. So, if that has to be the take-away from the Kurt Edward thing then so be it. I’m not fighting against the tide anymore. That just gets too hard. I want to simply enjoy my life now. That’s it. It sounds complex but it really isn’t.*

I guess what I am saying is that whatever that was on many levels was rather painful.  It was too much going against the tide and while I don’t shirk away from being stretched as a person, from new experiences outside my frame of reference; when it comes to putting my heart on the line; I want make sure it’s going to be well taken care of and appreciated and I simply didn’t feel that was the case after a while.

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The funny thing is I can be completely and unwaveringly loyal to one man. I’ve proven it on a longish term…almost 3 years and more than happily so. The interesting thing is that my current version of monogamy is so much more lenient than it used to be and more so than the standard relationships people have.  You’d think that would appeal to men. Maybe I’m too naive. Are men more romantic then they allude?  Life can be so confusing.  Wish everyone just meant what they said and said what they meant.  I’m all for games.  I love poker.  Bedroom games are all good.  Don’t fuck with my heart though.  Why is that too much to ask for?  Uggghhhh  Heartbreak sucks!

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*I’m figuring it this way and I know I’m not the first to say it…..but if I can’t enjoy the things I have now; the good my life does have in it, then why should I be entitled to more?  Right?  Just seems to make sense to me. Religious studies can be scientific; if you consider them based in logic. At least I see it that way. Lol