Financial Stability

I’ve had almost a year of instability. As I’ve said before I really don’t care for myself. I’ve been homeless and gone days hungry before. It isn’t ideal but I can handle it, however I have 3 beautiful girls and 3 sweet pets; each kiddo has one of her own of course. Sheer madness sometimes; fun chaos with lots of estrogen spikes and diva moments. Wouldn’t trade it for the world….. but now that I can finally breath a little I’m confronted by the fact that the man whose company I am enjoying is not in the most financially stable situation himself.

How do I get myself into these positions? I’ve never been one to put too much emphasis on financial success. While I have dated men who are very rich it has nevar been a deciding factor, by any means. I’d rather date a man who is genuinely kind and selflessly generous with what little he does have.

He is so intelligent and resourceful. I don’t know that he is extremely business oriented as he is more of a troubleshooter and hands-on person. He compliments me in so many ways but do I have the time and energy to dedicate to getting “us” or even helping him to be financially independent. The thought is worrisome to me sometimes. It would have been nice for him to be stable. To think he was making 6 figures not even that long ago and splurged it generously on other women, family and toys. Definitely not the situation he finds himself in now.

Then also we both aren’t in our 20’s. We both have some physical ailments. I have been wanting to do the Gerson Therapy again at some point and I intrinsically feel it would be very beneficial to him as well… if he could do it. And going through it with someone else would be easier than doing it alone again I think.

The therapy protocol is not easy and not exactly cheap. Probably much cheaper than most other intensive alternative healing protocols that I’m seeing my clients do, but also completely life consuming and almost impossible to have a “regular” job while on it.

I’m at an age where I need to weigh the decisions I make carefully. They can affect not only my life but the lives of the ones I love the most. But I also have this philosophy of not worrying about things I don’t need to worry about. That’s an interesting juxtaposition that’s not exactly easy to balance.

Hmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmm.

Don’t know. Just don’t know. I’ve done some extreme things this last year grasping at a stable financial foundation. I really don’t want to feel that again or retrace those steps. I know Brad will take care of me the best he can and that together with both our skillsets we may even be able to create stability. I’m not sure what to do. These aren’t decisions I really want to be making right now. I just don’t know.

This uncertainty used to cause me extreme anxiety but now I understand that I will make a decision once that time comes and that while planning is always good… sometimes you just have to wait for the choice to be clear. This wavering just means that it isn’t an obvious decision yet and there is really nothing wrong with that.

If you think about it at any given time we all have different areas of our life in limbo. It’s not something that needs to feel like a crutch or be overwhelming. It’s just part of life and living.

Soooo… on to actual pressing matters. Garage sale purge time in full effect. Less is more. Boxes await me. Wish me luck!!

I’ve always been…..

the girl men want to fuck*. I’ve never been the Martha Stewart or Ivanka Trump type. I’ve never been the girl men wanted to marry. I can accept it. It’s just not been my role. Not the primary role most men see me in at least. It’s fine. Play to your strengths; right? It makes me a bit sad that I’ve never been actually (full scale, grandiose, ring in hand) proposed to; even though I’ve been married.

I think I’ve come to a point in life where I feel I not only deserve it; but I also think at this stage I would prefer to be alone then settle for less than all of it. Which is an odd stance for me since I tend to have love (and even more so) sex almost constantly on my brain.

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Brad came by twice this week while the kids where at school. He brought me sushi earlier today and gave me one of the best orgasms I can remember in well over a decade**. He asked me both days…. held me, looked me in the eyes and in complete seriousness asked me to marry him. No ring. I think he meant it…. maybe he didn’t. I kind of disregarded it both times and he didn’t press me.

I could sit here and try to analyze it over and over. “What’s wrong with me?” kind of thing. But it seems a waste of time and energy. I’m not sure what is going to happen really. We were suppose to go to his apartment in Longview later today. The one I call the sex chalet and then Saturday morning go to the casino. They invited me to some fancy celebrity chef brunch. We are both on a budget so I thought it would be fun. Plus I love any excuse to get dolled up sometimes.

He told me tonight that he really doesn’t want to go without providing any alternate plans. This would be the third time now he has done something similar. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to figure out if when he told me two weeks ago when I made the plans that he wanted to go…. that then at the last minute he would decide it was too much for him and I would have to scramble to make other (less exciting) plans.

Don’t get me wrong…. I like being with him. Even just hanging out with him doing nothing is fun…. but I need and want to do things…. to get out. He says “I’m not good at making plans”. Ugghhhh. Maybe I’m not good at relationships. Maybe I should stick to just sex. Maybe I’ll just try to go to sleep now. A text break-up at 3:45am on a Friday morning is not exactly the best recipe for deep sleep though.

I can’t imagine this is the end for us……but I also can’t clearly see where this is going either. It’s not as easy as I wanted it to be. So I guess we just wait and see.

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*ok. Lol. No. Not always. I’m obviously generalizing here a bit. But when I’ve flipping a (clearly, flamboyantly, never been with any woman ever) gay man into bed; well….. a girl has got to think she’s got a point.

**not counting the ones I can give myself. 😉

Calm

There is a calmness that can settle over one when they feel truly loved

Inside and out

When they feel understood

Connected

Reminds me a bit of that blissful sense one gets right after an awesome orgasm

Both different but so wonderful of their own accord

Brad came over today for a few hours while the kiddo’s where at school. I’d be hard pressed to think of a more beautiful morning. The kids let me sleep in which was fortunate since Lexi had me up a lot of the night (poor thing). I leisurely got up, straightened up a bit, had my morning coffee (enema that is), started breakfast, showered calmly and just felt so relaxed and at peace.

Even when Brad got there and tried coming into the bathroom before I was done getting ready it didn’t fluster me at all. I just smiled and told him to wait.

I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard in bed with a man that I almost pee’d. I try not to wonder what the future holds. I try not to worry about where things will go. How things will continue. I just try to enjoy the time we get together.

I’m also trying to be mindful of red flags. Like why does he like me doing so much CBT always? Every time we see each other. Don’t get me wrong. I usually end up getting into it and giggling like a school girl but for me it isn’t always necessary or desired. Is he too sexual for me?

He does take testosterone and I know how much sex helps with anxiety. I’m not trying to find faults though. Just trying to make sure I don’t get blindsided by anything that I should be alerted to. Hard to do realistically and still let yourself fall. I suppose time is the main criteria to confirm trust and continuity. That is after all times purpose isn’t it. A marker for past present future.

But….. I kind of just want to give myself over to it. I don’t want a stop-gate. I don’t want distractions and deterrents. I just want to keep enjoying the moments. I just want to suck it all up. Like one of those Mexican apricot (or are they prune) pit candies. I haven’t had one of those in years. I’ve got to get some next time I go to the Mexican market. Simple childhood happiness. Why not? Spicy? Sweet? Mmmmmmmmmmmm. All good.

Eqalibrium

I’ve been off. I’ve felt scattered. I’ve been anxious and depressed. I can pinpoint exactly when this last bout started. I just can’t say exactly why and I’m so done analyzing it any further.

The time has come to to take out my big girl panties and get my life going; full steam ahead. I know what I have to do to get my emotional equilibrium back. I know what I want to do to get my life on more stable ground.

Starting with “less is more”!! Purging for a massive garage sale. Networking my businesses. Setting up my resale space. Yoga/gym 3-5 days a week. Liver cleanse. Healthier meals. More device free days with the kiddo’s. Establishing a real friendship with Brad.

All else will sort itself out. I just have to focus. Those 4 ciders at the wedding last nights aren’t helping me much today. Note to self. Just how many more times are you going to keep saying “I need to quit”? Ugghhhh.

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Maybe they can invent a pill that produces the same mild euphoria and relaxation of alcohol minus all the side effects. No way would that happen though. We’d all be on it for life. Right? They’d be throwing it in cereal boxes like candy. Feeding it to babies. My mind goes in all kinds of weird directions with this thought. Ho hum. I need some fresh air. I think I’ll go lay in the grass for a few minutes before my client comes. See what the world wants me to see.

Hope you’re having a 🙏🏽❤️👍🏽🌈🙂day!