Ocean Breeze, Orgasms

I am a water baby. I love the water. I’ve always been happiest when I’ve lived near water. I especially love the ocean and have had the opportunity to live a block from the ocean at several points in my life and tremendously enjoyed those times.

Now I live in an abundance of water: rain, rivers and streams. There is something within me that draws me to water. Something that rejuvenates my soul. Which is why I truly don’t understand how we devalue water so much in this world. I remember when I was really sick my mother took me (against my will) to emergency and I told her “Mama, I don’t need to be here. All I need is love, water and mota.”

——-

I’m realizing more and more that my orgasms are about 65% mental. Since my body doesn’t respond as easily as it used to my mind now must compensate. Which means I really have to be into it and want it for it to work. This is not a good thing. Sex just for the sake of having sex and feeling good is what I’d much rather have. But things change, life changes you. A new normal unfolds. Guess I just figure out how to navigate this new epoch. Lol

β™₯οΈπŸ’‹πŸ₯°

She Cries

When no one sees

In the middle of the night

She tucks into herself

And wails silently

With shivers

And gasps

She bemoans

The pain

And overwhelming load.

The quiet loneliness of the night only adds too the distress.

But in the day

She is bright

Cheerful

Full of gratitude

Heavy with optimism

It’s just sometimes

On night’s like this

She gets flooded by tears that won’t stop

And monsters that come begging to be fed

And even though she knows the angst will disapate

And she will rise up again in the morning ready for whatever comes

Saving her tears

Her worries

Her fears

For the next such event

She wishes it wouldn’t come back

Wishes life wouldn’t overtake her like this

And leave her helplessly crumbled to her knees

She wishes she could be the hero she needs

Fluid, Double Penetration, morning sex.

I live in a transient state of mind. Recognizing life is subject to change at any moment.

I make plans. I just don’t hold on tight to them. They don’t become real to me until the moment I do them.

In fact; my most difficult days (as far as stress) are the days that are scheduled top to bottom with activities.

It’s hard to be fluid and also time regimented.

It’s why I allot 2 hours per client. It’s why I like to bubble in extra time between activities. It’s why I try to allow space for downtime each day; even if it has to be as a bookend.

I need fluidity in my life. My soul requires it. There are things I’ve found that augment to the fluidity. Things I’ve mentioned so many times now that it seems torturous to bring up again: yoga, meditation, THC, mindfulness, following your gut instincts, listening to your heart, deep breathing, spending time in nature, watching the world with an open heart and no judgement.

Fluidity is difficult for me in that it isn’t something I can focus on too much or that also will bring me stress. It’s something I must allow in, be aware of and strive for. It takes not so much focus as a redirecting. Like in meditation when you redirect your mind to whatever it is you’re trying to achieve: silence, focus, energy, a specific outcome in life, nothingness, connecting to God, etc. Your mind wanders. It’s what it does.

Fluidity is NOT following the hamster wheel of the brain but rather following the flow of life itself. I like to explain things because I sometimes feel like when I explain it I understand it better myself. Lol. So this is more for my benefit than anyone else’s really.

—-

Brad wants me to, not so much stop sleeping with my ex but to, incorporate him into it. i.e. he wants to be there from now on. He really wants to do double penetration. I’m all for it but I can’t imagine this sitting well with my ex.

It’s so cute to see his enthusiasm. He is also chomping at the bit to go back to the club and have us do a Dom/sub play scene in front of an audience. He such a huge exhibitionist.

He’s here now. Supposedly giving me my daily orgasm. But he got soft on me and I ruthlessly dismissed him to go make us eggs for breakfast and told him his soft dick was completely useless. Lol. It’s so funny and fun to be cruel. I do plan on getting my orgasm in; one way or another. But mentally and physically torturing him is such sweet added bonus. I just can’t help myself.

I do so love MY cock. He knows this. So knocking him down a few pegs is not a bad thing.

πŸ’‹β™₯οΈπŸ’‹ Kisses

Going to go enjoy my eggs now.

It’s official, trainable

Well. It’s official. Today I reached out to my old naturopath to see about forming a partnership to implement a modified Gerson protocol and be able to offer specialized colonics to clients; coffee, probiotics, electrolytes, nutrients, supplements and what I’m most excited about (drum roll please) oxygenated colonics. First feelers out, let’s see where this new road leads. It might seem like a small thing but to me this is a monumental step towards where I want to be in life.

I used to think colon hydrotherapy was enough of a niche market but now I see that the need exists for much more specialized healing modalities and having myself been cured with The G.T. I know the value of it. I also know the load our bodies are under physically, mentally, emotionally and energetically. I think a combination of clearing out all of the shit (literally and figuratively) will bring about the natural healing people are desperately seeking in the world. I see it. I’ve known it. I’ve done it and still do it for myself. I can’t just sit back and not help. I just can’t.

Part of me is fearful about it. About all those naturopaths that have been found dead of “mysterious” causes over the last few years. But I refuse to let fear stop me. If this is where God wants and needs me then I will keep getting clear signs of it. Which I already believe I have been. Everyone has to follow their own rainbows in life. It’s not for others to always understand or agree with. I never imagined myself here in life but I feel so deeply blessed to be able to help people in whatever capacity I can.

——–

Let’s be gross for a second. I’m still on this modified Jensen Protocol. I am amazed at what is coming out of my digestive system. Those diagrams of unhealthy colons that show bacteria. OMG. Looks exactly like that. Sluffed off bacteria. Disgusting!! But like I tell my clients when we see weird stuff in the view tube “better out than in”. Lol

——–

I will be the first to admit when I’m being a hypocrite. So I can recognize I am one with Brad. I expect him to change his behaviors to suit me. He himself has told others that he is “still around” because he is trainable. This is completely accurate. That’s not to say that I don’t make accommodations for him. I absolutely do. It’s just that I have no intentions of modifying myself. I am perfectly happy with me “as-is”*. Any changes to my psyche are off my own volition alone.

Of course there are so many things I don’t discuss here that I absolutely adore about him and our relationship. Things that are so sweetly “delicate”** and just between him and I. I can’t possibly share everything. Te he he.

The Secret – Michael Parkes

——-

*As Is – Ani Difranco

**Delicate – Damien Rice

Don’t ask me why I picked these songs. They have a bit more negative connotation than I wanted to incorporate, but they popped in my head. I like them. Not much more to it than that really and me wanting to share what’s swimming around in my head. Lol

KissesπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

Bitch Academy, ADHD, slow ride, the lucky one

The Secret Aspie wrote a great blog about graduating Bitch Academy. I can relate to that. Lately I just don’t care about putting up with people’s bullshit and male ego is towards the very top of that list.

______

I was also thinking of how cruel I can be to Brad. You would think I feel bad about it, but I don’t. I really don’t. Last night at dinner I told him in front of everyone “enough already”. At first I saw the pain in his eyes, which quickly switched to anger. He said “ok, I’ll just stop talking”. And I simply continued my conversation with my mother. When he settled down enough to ask me why I had said that I told him he was talking too much and leading every conversation and that I wanted others to have a chance to talk.

Truthfully, I am realizing (now that he has stopped taking his medication for a bit) that he needs it or something to cope with his mind. I told him today to call his doctor and get his new medication filled. When and if I get my hands on him full-time I will incorporate better habits into his life and help him naturally manage it. For now though he needs a simpler solution.

___

The girls have been missing me. Last night as I was leaving to spend the night at Brad’s they all complained. Not about him directly, more so about the lack of time I spend with them. It’s been over two years since the divorce. Time in which I didn’t work as many hours as I do now and I didn’t have a boyfriend so they had me to themselves a lot. I adore my children. I know that I have a very brief time left with them at home. The first one will be leaving in less than 2 years. But I also refuse to let them dictate my social life and I can not possibly work less than I do and afford to live.

So all I can do is slow things down a bit with Brad. For now at least until the time comes (if ever) that things are solid enough to move things to the next level. I refuse to live with a man I’m not married to though so it will be a big jump for everyone at some point, as I do wish to be married again.

_____

I was thanking Brad today for all he has done for me in just the last 24 hours. Let’s see. He bought us dinner, bought the tickets for the show, brought presents for under the tree (the first ones), drove me to his place and back, bought the girls donuts and paid his neice to clean my house today. Not to mention the lovely orgasm and play we had last night and this morning. Plus instead of waking me like he usually does in the middle of the night I was able to easily convince him to let me sleep and got a full 8+ hours in.

So I was thanking him for everything and he says “I’m the lucky one” and my thought to that is simply “you’re damn right!” Lol

He then says to me “I’m going to become an expert about you”, and “you’re making me grow in ways I never even knew I needed to”. Good boi. He’s learning. He is becoming the man and boi and I need him to be. He loves me enough that I think he will get there. But we shall see. Shan’t we?

We shall see…. for now I’m just enjoying the journey.

Nutcracker, pranic healing

Like all people, I say and do stupid things sometimes. Writing them in a blog just saves them for all to see. Lol.

_______

I had forgotten how awesome it felt to orgasm at the exact same time. Indescribable yummy!! Since it hadn’t happened to me in over a decade I had simply forgotten the lusciousness of it.

______

Tonight we are going to see the Nutcracker Ballet. It’s a holiday tradition my mother began and one I’ve kept with my own daughters. Today the little one gets to see her first full scale production and not a shorter children’s version. I’m so excited. Last year I was so exhausted I started to fall asleep during parts of it.

I had to buy cheap seats this year so I’m hoping they aren’t too far to miss the splendor of it all. I’m just hoping we aren’t too far up in the rafters that it looks like we are watching it on a small TV from across a room.

_____

I didn’t achieve a full (complet) orgasm last night. Probably for the best. Tonight I see Brad and I hope I’m not too tired to play hard and orgasm well. I’m hoping one of these days I can achieve multiple orgasms with a man and not just my bullet vibrator but we shall see. I’m going to ask him to pop some extra Viagra. I may need to take a cold shower to get the extra energy I will probably need to stay up for a marathon session.

Just something else to look forward to.

_____

I took my first intro to energetic healing class today. It was informative. I’m looking forward to the next level. First I have to heal myself though. I do so enjoy being my own guinea pig. I do it all the time already with my digestive health. So now I have a new modality to play with. Truthfully, I knew 80% of what was covered but it felt like I was heading the right way and filling in the gaps I don’t know. Learning a few new tricks of the trade. Honestly it’s not as hippy dippy as some people think. There is scientific evidence to corroborate it’s efficacy. But since I already know it works to me the “data” seems superfluous and unnecessary.

____

Anyhowsen. Busy day.

May your heart feel a swell of love with this virtual hug I’m sending your way. Wherever you are in your life and in the world. Smile and be well. β™₯οΈπŸ’‹πŸ₯°. That is my wish for you.

Rainbow Unicorn, Ribbit, Two Daddies

In the sex world a “unicorn” is considered a single woman that wants to play with both parties in a couple with no strings attached. I guess I can see why they are called that. But in my mind a true unicorn is a beautiful boy trans with breasts and long hair. One that when clothed looks just like a pretty girl and when unclothed has a hard dick ready to play with. I think though… and I hate to generalize that most trans men prefer men and/or like to bottom.

So I believe a rainbow unicorn is a trans boi that wants to play with both parties in a relationship. Now that to me is mouthwatering. It’s not in the top 5 but it is on the sexual bucket list.

—–

Brad blew it with a cute sissy boi I had been talking to and and directed to talk to him. He didn’t let me read the dialogue so I can’t say for sure what happened. What I gleaned is that Brad started taking about double penetrating me and it turned him off. I don’t know that he realizes that the people on Fetlife may be kinky and into what we are seeking but they are still people with their own desires and limits. It’s one thing to throw out a precise add for a play partner and take the best in show and quite another to find a person to incorporate in your life as also a friend.

I’m not sure what his aim is exactly. I haven’t invested any time trying to help him because we aren’t at a place I feel stable enough to want to play with others as well.

——-

I’ve been told I put too much faith in people. I’ve been told I’m naive. I’ve been told I’m worth more than what I settle for. I am usually pretty self content is the thing. And I also believe people are capable of so much more than they even believe. I’ve never in my life felt I’ve settled, with the exception of my marriage maybe. And even then I was absolutely ok with that decision (at first)…. until the situation became unbearable….and I had to walk away.

I remember reading about a woman who was in a very abusive marriage. She routinely got beat black and blue by her partner. She somehow stuck in there and managed to get herself a higher degree and left him only after she secured an offer for a good job. That is much smarter than I’ve ever been in life. I just leap from lily pad to lily pad trying to catch my moment in the sun. One day soon I hope to end up on a stable rock and just enjoy the rest of the show.

—–

The 6 year old says to me this morning. “Mama, I don’t think you should marry Brad. I think Brad and daddy should get married. Just like Jude has two daddies”. OMG. I laughed so hard (on the inside). I said “Yep, you’re right sweetie, that’s a great idea. Why don’t you mention it to them?” (Because sometimes I love to just see where things go). And then she says “well…daddy doesn’t seem to want to meet Brad.” These damn kids are so smart. Lol