On way to Hot Yoga

You ever have one of those days when you feel like you’ve been knocked down and then you drag yourself back up and wham…you get knocked down again?

Today felt like that kind of morning. So I made a point to make it to yoga; even though I wasn’t feeling it. Why go? Everyone is allowed off days. Right?

But one has to know if it’s a legitimate regenerating rest or a a step towards losing traction. Sometimes you got to fake it when you aren’t quite there. Most times in the middle of moving forward you’ll forget all about whatever is troubling you anyway…other times maybe not.

Regardless, self care isn’t randomly doing nice things for yourself when you find the time and energy and feel worthy. Self-love is at its true test when you want to curl up in a ball and call it quits.

Okay…some respite for my soul would be nice here soon. Calling forth angels. Please!!

No More Love Songs

Ughhh. I can’t take it. There are some awesomely good love songs out right now. Maybe there always are. I mean people are always in some process of love…right? Wanting it, losing it, not having the one you want, wanting more, wanting less (?), in the midst of a beautiful saga, and all variations there-of. So love songs will always be relevant.

I just want to get love out of my head but I keep circling back around to it. Which is just ludicrous. It will come when it will come and not a minute sooner and all this obsessing about it won’t make it come any faster. Am I even ready for it? If it came right now knocking at my door would I be ready? So here’s my take on that…

Is anyone ever really ready for anything? All the preparations in the world won’t always prepare you for the reality of an event. When it comes for you; you have to learn to navigate the ups and downs of whatever that situation presents as it presents them. Right? In other words, you rise up to it and when the right situation presents itself it should feel easy.

Easy in the sense that it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice or grueling, tortuous work. Kind of how you wake up at 3am when your child is sick to take care of them. It’s not a sacrifice per-se as much as something you do for love (and also because you know you have to; let’s not kid ourselves…lol); and so those feelings carry you through the hard work that is at times necessary. So I think it stands to reason that one really can’t plan for life’s hiccups, travesties and miracles.

But boy God…if you’re feeling generous and handing any blessings out today…I don’t mind being in that line. You know what I need better than I do. All things are possible with faith. Right?

But enough with the love songs!!!

😉🙏🏽❤️😝🌷🎁

Jon the Plumber

What can I say? He was here.

I’ve known him for almost a year. I knew he had a thing for me since the moment he laid eyes on me and I could see over time that the more he got to know me the more that deepened for him.

He was here working on my equipment and because he is so specialized and drove all the way up from Eugene and we couldn’t get what I needed done he opted to spend the night. Of course all day he had been telling me how beautiful I am and how much he adores me. Caressing my back when he could do it seemingly casually. I said to myself alright maybe I’ll kiss him and get some much needed affection and leave it at that.

Typically I preface such situations ahead of time and say something to the affect of “we’re not having sex, is that ok?”, because I want to make that clear from the get-go when I’m in an intimate situation where that could be a possibility and some men don’t have a stop button. The thing is that this wasn’t a date, he just asked me to hang out with him before sleeping and even though I still had full intentions of at one point saying it because I knew he really wanted it; I didn’t.

So here’s the thing; now that I’m analyzing it clearly. I’m pretty. I’m not trying to be all snobby and vain about it. I’m not a 10 and I’m no Victoria Secret model but in general if you polled most people they’d say I was above average and if it swayed in any one direction it would probably go higher rather than lower. Looks don’t last forever, and I’m grateful for who I am and that is very far from perfect. Trust me!

But let’s say I’m a very decent 7 to 9 (right outfit, right hair, etc) and Jon is a 3. Now we are going strictly by visuals here which is an asinine way to judge people to begin with I can very much recognize that. But he has got to be the lowest number I’ve ever thrown it at and now I see why people would want to go low. How I never gathered this before astounds me. I guess because I (like any other woman with a heartbeat) happen to most times favor handsome and/or powerful men. Although I do have a very soft spot for geeky (super smart), lovable, funny, deep & broken or heart of gold men.

Jon however… is none of these. He’s just an average nice guy. But boy when he looked at me, holding my face in his hands and just staring at me as if he had won the lottery; it was so very intoxicating. That he kept telling me over and over how beautiful I was and it was so excruciatingly heartfelt. And the fact that I know he’s not getting anything close to me just made me so comfortable with him. This all sounds terrible I’m sure…except it isn’t really. I almost orgasmed too without a vibrator, which is not customary for me. I’ll go into how that happened another night, not a happy story, unless you like talking about sexless marriages. Ugghhh Yuck!! (Isn’t that suppose to be the only person you sleep with? Isn’t that the whole premise of monogamy, but if they won’t sleep with you then wtf are you suppose to do? Don’t get me started. Anyway.)

So yea. I can’t claim to be celibate anymore, but he also lives 2.5 hours away. Which I factored in when I gave it to him. He can’t come pester me for more. Lol. It was much needed affection and I learned something I never realized. He was fully in it; beginning to end…so happy to be there, with me…so wrapped up into me instead of in his own head like cute boys sometimes seem to be. I’ll go back to celibacy tomorrow. Really he just happened to strike at the right time and under the right circumstances and using the right ammo and I was like what the heck. His touch was just so very nice. Can I see it happening again? Nope, can’t see it, but I’m usually not one to say never. It would have to be another perfect storm and you can’t really plan for that sort of thing. This should hold me off a few months though hopefully. My affection dial is at nearly full. I’m going to masturbate now to finish off the night and go to bed. Goodnight my sweet darlings. 💋

Louis

I was 16. I was so obsessed with him. I can’t remember if he was 4 or 8 years older than me. Either way he was obviously much more experienced sexually. We would go for hours. He made it feel like his whole life’s purpose was to give me pleasure. I experienced my first multiple orgasm with him. I remember one time after a lengthy motel session being so engorged I couldn’t even walk. I had to soak in the bathtub just to get the swelling to go down. I have a physical reminder of that night to this day.

I didn’t know until years later that he had also been seeing a gorgeous aspiring model the entire time we were together. He showed me her photo. It was dated the same time period we were together. Im not sure why he was still seeking me out and telling me this years later. I found it unnecessarily hurtful but it did clarify a few things.

I’ll never forget his eyes. They sloped down at the outer ends and gave him this touching sadness. His soul mirrored that sadness. He was already jaded and emotionally unavailable, but he was a lot of fun too.

I also remember him twice taking me to meet “a friend” and leaving me with them. These were both much older men. I would just converse with them and wait for Louis to come back. In retrospect I’m not sure what his intentions were with that. I’m genuinely unsure, but the men never touched me or even insinuated touching me. They, like most men thankfully, were kind to me. Louis would come back and get me and we would leave as if nothing.

I trusted him implicitly and because of this I never questioned this or him. The funny part of that is that I still carry a lot of that naïveté. I trust my gut and because of that faith it’s let me stay open to things, to life and to interesting experiences. I’m happy about that.

Slow the Fuck Down

OMG

I went over a curve today with both kiddo’s in the car. We all laughed, and no one was around to see but still.

Geesh

I’m running at a frantic pace to try to “beat the clock”. I never liked stressful games. Chess is more my speed and not the timed kind; the kind you play leisurely.

Paul told me if he was a girl he would drive like me. I was just starting to drive and I can’t say I’ve gotten too much better, more defensive, slow and cautious. It’s not like I get in accidents, tailgate, get tickets, run over anyone or anything like that. I think all people drive a bit frantic when they are stressed, in any aspect*…anyway…add to the stress that…

of course I am on a cleanse as well; because I needed more fuel for the fire. Lol

It’s all rather comical really. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or both. I’ll just shake my head in disbelief.

I’m loving my business. I am gaining clientele and great networks at a clip now, but not quite where I need it to be…yet.

I’m moving forward. Just moving forward but I have soooo many stakes in the fire and so many tasks to complete and so much to keep up on.

I was laughing with the older woman at the checkout today. She was telling me about the cute fluffy kitty she has and how that was enough for her and I was telling her about my 3 kids, 2 cats and a dog and telling her it was sheer craziness and that even through all this I can see that one day I will miss this and so

I embrace this right now…arms wide open with my heart on my sleeve bleeding love. I try to appreciate what I have while I have it. I really do.

I’ve just got one life here. I’m just trying to use it wisely. I never said I was particularly good at this though. In the Chose Your Adventure books I often died…I still loved reading them. lol.

I think I’ve learned enough lessons to be ok though, or maybe I haven’t. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by angels either way. 🙏🏽❤️

——–

*…I would be crazy enough to seriously have been a race car driver given the chance

Clit Ring Saga

I was talking to John today. He reminded me that I haven’t looked into getting the clit rings I had been so very excited about a few months ago.

That just seems like a sure fire way to fall off the wagon. I am at my limit for sexual frustration and if they do what they say they do; which is dramatically increase sensitivity to the point where even casual rubbing or crossing of the legs sparks sensation then I’d be doomed. There is no way I can put up with that without an outlet beyond the vibrator I utilize now. I know myself too well. I know my pitfalls.

The problem is that if I have the anatomy for it and can get it done then there is a potential 2 month healing process. Which seems like maddening torture if I do have an available partner. Ugghh. What to do? What to do?

——-

John is so sweet to me. He’s the 3rd “sweet rich boy” I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. The first was this cute pudgy Jewish boy I got introduced to by my best friend Paul in high school. He was so tender and kind to me. I remember sitting in his car talking for hours and feeling so cherished and safe. I didn’t want that feeling to end. He took me to his house one day to meet his parent and they were very polite, but I was not what they had in mind and that swiftly ended that.

Then on the heels of that came Mr. Dreamboat. He was my boss at this marketing company. He was a tiny bit older than me and drove a Porsche. He reminded me of a young Andrew McCarthy. He was so sweet to me. He never tried anything, just kept asking me out and waiting for me to open up. The issue was that he made me so nervous that I sabotaged that before it even began. My self esteem was just abysmal then and I could not for the life of me figure out why he was asking me out. He was (as far as I could see) way too far out of my league and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it, no matter how much I liked him. And the fact that he wasn’t pouncing all over me like most guys made it even worse because he obviously didn’t just want me for that. I can still feel that horrible anxiety as if he were here right now. Ugghh, but boy was he dreamy.

I’ve gone out with other rich men, these three are just the best of those. I’m not going to blanket statement men of any financial status as any one thing because that simply isn’t the case. Men come in all kinds of flavors. That’s the beauty of unwrapping them. Lol

“Holding out for a Hero” (Bonnie Tyler)

Okay the song is pretty exorbitant. Some of it at least.

“Where are all the gods? The streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?”
“Fresh front the fight”
“Larger than life”

I mean yes a girl can dream. This girl does dream.

Conversely I also like Regina Spektor’s “Hero” song. I don’t get the “original sin” reference which would make my Catholicism teacher break out the ruler for sure. Some things are better purged from my brain cells. I’ll leave it at that. I’m not curious enough to look it up as I can vaguely ascertain it I think. But I do especially love the

“I’m the hero of this story, I don’t need to be saved” part.

Why are we humans so conflicted always? Why is the human experience so complex and nuanced? Wish that I could just be “A Simple Man” (woman in my case of course) like Lynyrd Skynyrd sings about.

Ho hum…

Could I win the lottery? Marry filthy rich? (Why is it filthy?)  Find a great paying job to help support my brood while I build up my business? These are only three little roads of the many I dream about, but there are millions of paths in life and a single step, a single hesitation can lead me in a completely different direction. I know this for a fact.

So why then allocate so much time dreaming my days away? Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my brain and live exclusively in the moment. Engulfed completely In whatever I am doing from banal necessities to…well…everything else. Lol. But the brain is a difficult mechanism to shut down. Of its own accord it prefers to go into overdrive than go into sleep mode.

Frankly, I’ve decided I’m going to be happy no matter what comes for me, to me, at me. If not happy at the very least accepting and hopefully grateful.

I’m just missing my best friend. I have friends. I have people to bounce stuff off of. I have people to talk to that will genuinely listen and care. But I don’t have an anchor. Someone to take care of me in completely different ways than I will take care of them. To love me and shelter my heart in the way it needs and the person I can love and shelter in the ways they need. I have so much love to give and I miss having someone special to give that to. I ache for that desperately, but not desperately enough to settle.

Honestly I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable or stubborn here. I’m simply waiting to be overwhelmed. But I’m also wanting for it to come naturally, of it’s own accord and for it to be so easy and so moving to both his and my heart and soul that it is unquestionably meant to be.

See…not hard at all. Lol

Where could he be right now? What is he doing? What does  his day look like? What did he eat for dinner last night? What are his fears and aspirations? What keeps him going? I can’t wait to find out everything… and I do mean everything! I can’t wait for that door to open.

Now off to reality for a bit. These bills don’t pay themselves….yet. Lol

——

But you know…sometimes I think I just want to be Billy Joel’s “You May be Right” song character.  So many choices in life. Can I be them all?

Well….not all. Lol

(Okay girl…let’s get going!!)