Me First Bitch

I need it to revolve around me

As far as a romantic relationship

I need to be put first

I need to be placed high on a throne

I need to be adored

Worshipped

Protected and loved beyond measure

In ways I will never even completely know about

Because when I love

I give so much

Energy

Time

Love

Devotion

And if it doesn’t start with me

Then what’s the fucking point?

I really don’t see one

I give in ways only love understands

I give the world

But first

I must see the world given to me

Or I’m happy alone

Alone is always better that in bad company

I suppose there is a middle ground

I like to call that friends with benefits.

😉😝💋🤣💖

I’m gonna be (500 Miles) – The Proclaimers

Compassion

True compassion seems to come from great tragedy; from carrying or having carried a heavy burden.

Pain has no prejudices though. It can come for anyone, of any creed, color, race, sex, age, orientation, status, wealth, class, title, whatever. It doesn’t care. It wields it’s sword mercilessly wherever it chooses.

While compassion and kindness is what makes us humane; sometimes commiserating seems to be what bonds us and can help release pain. I still prefer to focus on the positive. I like to reach for and expand on the good vibes…..but the thing about living authentically is that it isn’t always rainbows and puppies and lollipops. Now is it?

Psychedelic Pussy Lips Flight

Laughing

While I slide down the bumps of yesteryear

Reliving the episodes

Tranquilly

I’m laughing because it feels good to laugh and to just be on a smooth ride

Instead of the jagged edges they used to be

Cutting into my soul

Every chance it got

No more

It can’t call a price on me anymore

I don’t let it

I stave it off

Cut it’s head off before it comes

Full board

I ask for help

I ask for guidance

I follow the cues

I think of my own sanity and safety first

Just like they tell you on the airplane

Fasten your seatbelts please

The light has turned on

Sometimes it takes someone who has gone through some bad shit…..

to reach people going through some bad shit.

I had my first session where I full blown cried today. I’ve teared up before, because well……a lot of people with digestive issues have emotional trauma and/or an overload of stress and pain in their lives. In general I’m sure most people do but there is definitely an emotional mind/body connection linked in the gut and clearing that out can also let out other things. And since I’ve embraced the spiritual/energetic healing into my practice I’m allowing more space for that release and it comes.

Today I listened to two harrowing tales of food association and childhood trauma. And while this is not exclusive to women I was still so shocked at how deep and problematic these issues are for these beautiful women. My heart was breaking for both of them and the pain had to be released. I’m usually a suck it up and move on person but I know sometimes you just have to sit with it before you can make peace with it and truly let it go.

I’m glad I could provide that safe space for them. I still say I don’t understand the why to any of this, but I have a deep gratitude to God that for whatever reason I can apply my own extensive trauma and limited knowledge into a sacred healing space for both body and soul.

I’m definitely not claiming to be anything more than me here….. and nothing more than a colonic studio but that seems to be working out alright. Thankfully. 🙏🏽🌷🙏🏽

Drunk Love – GOOAAALLLLLLL!!!!

I am a happy drunk……mostly. In fact the only time I’ve ever cried drunk was alone and earlier this week with Brad. Mostly I am over the top happy and spirited and loving….. too loving I’ve been told. Lol

One time I was out with Aaron at his local watering hole. He was well known there and not particularly liked. A woman came up to me to warn me about him. I explained that I had known him 20 years and that as tough and surly as he seemed he was completely harmless…unless you took into account his mean barbs. We both laughed.

Then she just stood and stared at me. I looked at her with an open heart, not wanting anything from her…just waiting for her to direct our exchange. Her look softened and her eyes started to tear and she told me that the only other person that had ever looked at her that lovingly was her grandmother. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t find the words. I just kept holding her gaze….both of us a bit unsure how to proceed.

She then told me I was too good for him. I agreed and we laughed and kept drinking. She and I never spoke again.

I want to be the person I am when all my guards are down. I want to be completely love drunk while absolutely sober.

That’s the goal.

That is the goal.

Calm, cool and collected – A.A.A.

How do you remain fearless in a world that wants you to be always afraid? In a world that seems to always be against one.

Well…..I ended up watching Casablanca yesterday and I’m taking a cue from the ever iconically cool Humphrey and Bergman. I’ve boiled it down to a 3 step process. Four if you count breathing, but since you have to do that anyway me telling you to breath calmly and deeply seems to not count. I’ll leave it up to you though.

3 steps:

Acknowledge

Accept

Appreciate

First one must acknowledge the fear, the anxiety, apprehension, pain, distress, or whatever is.

Then one must accept it. It exists. Whether in your mind or in reality it is manifesting so it needs acknowledgment and acceptance that IT IS…..even things that solely exist with yourself still are real to you. They want and deserve to be acknowledged and accepted.

Only after you have done these two can you move to a place of appreciation. Look! Shitty things happen. Shitty things are felt, experienced, known, done, etc. It is inevitable. But if we can acknowledge and accept this we can move on to finding some gratitude. Darkness can not exist without light. One exists to contrast the other. We live in a world of opposition. A karmic wheel of balance, even if we don’t get to see the balance adjustments in our lifetime it exists. The price must be paid; forward, backward, in real time…it collects.

But in order to draw peace and hopefully happiness we must find the part we can appreciate in the equation. Without that gratitude; without being able to focus on the positive we may lose the entire lesson and almost inevitably bitterness follows.

——

I’ve been realizing over the last few days that my own anxiety derails positive outcomes. I can get so anxious and wrapped up in my own head that I don’t allow what is meant to be to be. I’ll bring up a simple case in point. I take my computer’s to a nice man that works out of his house. I like him. He is super smart. Self taught. He has a very interesting and eclectic background. He is what I consider a true geek. Essentially someone who relates to and communicates better with and through technology more so than to human peers.

I took in the teenagers laptop so he could look at it. It had taken a small dive off my bed when the 6 year old was jumping on it and refused to turn on. I sat and watched him tinker with it and explain a few things as he went for 20 minutes or more. All the while I’m hungry and wondering if I should leave it and exit or stay and hope it’s a quick fix. It’s about an hour to closing and he was fully engrossed in this new project I gave him without much feedback. So I calmly breathed through it and figured when I knew what I had to do I would know. So I just sat with it. Sat with my hunger. Sat with my anxiety. Sat and made myself be still within myself. Within 10 minutes more he had it fully operational. It had been a simple glitch that he says rarely happens. He charged me minimally and I left with a functional computer.

Had I rushed to leave. Had I interrupted him. Had I just left it maybe he would have put it aside. Maybe I wouldn’t have had it back that day. Maybe…. who knows what. But the lesson was. To just let things be. Let life be. When I need to know I will know. It’s the exact same with the healing. Things just come. I may not always understand them. I may not always get the why, but in life we aren’t always privileged to know the why anyway. So no use beating myself up.

If I just acknowledge, accept and appreciate what comes…. calmly, cooly, and collected….. it all seems to work out.

Here’s to life’s simplicity.

(I never say easy. I’m not that dumb.)

💋💖🙏🏽🌷

Harnessing my Power

Today I had an awesome client. A naturopath that has worked with energy and known about these fields her entire life. Maybe to most this seems not very extraordinary, but she was a beautiful, youthful, live-out-loud 80 year old woman. Exuding vitality, healthy and very seriously, glamorously gorgeous. She was so inspiring.

I gave her a colonic. I was deeply encouraged by how she has been an avid colonics client for decades. She had a great session and at her bequest I let her be during it. I did however get the chance to work on some blockages for her granddaughter. She had some serious energetic and physical blockages; she felt very closed off to me. She is the first person I’ve ever given energy healing to that I physically felt rejecting it.

So I can’t say how effective it was but I tried and the intention was there and the rest I leave to God. Maybe had I had more time to talk to her and try to keep moving her energy. I’m realizing that I connect better to people when I touch them yet Pranic healing is one of not having to touch people. So I think that while I love certain aspects of it that I have to do what feels more accurate to me. And I think that if I’m going to keep doing energy healing I need to connect deeper. I need to really dig into it and I need to touch people…. sometimes it just feels necessary but I’ve stopped myself because well….I was scared and apprehensive.

I still don’t know that I want to call myself a healer, but it’s just a differentiation, a way to express yourself I suppose. It’s time I embraced this……. especially for myself.

Tonight I’m going to take a double dose of THC and do a karmic reckoning. I’m going to take back all the energy people have taken from me. I’m going to take back all the power I’ve given away over my lifetime. I’m going to reach into the universe with my arms outstretched and ask for healing, clarity and strength.

More importantly…… I am going to go confidently in the direction life wants me to go…..and it starts by not just allowing and accepting it but fully embracing it.

Ok……this is it.

I have no idea what the future holds but I’m jumping in with both feet. I’m letting go of the doubts holding me back. How many times does God need to prove to me this is where I am needed and wanted before I embrace it? I’ve been bull-headed. I’ve been afraid. No more. Absolutely no more.

Alright…… let’s do this!!!