Being Celibate Sucks!!

In my younger days I wished there had been a way to hire a healthy straight Adonis to fuck the life out of me. I would have gladly paid to just get a fulfilling fix when I wanted it.

Now it doesn’t cross my mind anymore to pay for sex, but that’s not to say that sex itself doesn’t cross my mind. It is an almost constant. Not a day goes by I don’t deeply crave the intimacy and/or release and/or pleasure and yet…here I am abstaining.

I get hit on. I get propositioned at the sex club multiple times generally. I have a rolodex of men on my phone happy to acquiesce given a chance. Yet here I remain…longing.

Hoping that the wait will be worth the sacrifice, because this time around I want it all. While a lover has suited me in the past they were generally men I didn’t really care for and would never pass the threshold beyond just sex and they suited that end perfectly well.

Now I am waiting for my best friend. I am waiting not for a savior or man in shining armour but a fellow human being full of nuances and vulnerabilities just like everyone else. I want my playmate that I can start crossing things off my sexual bucket list with: threesome, orgy, sex swing, on and on…yes please.

So I wait in what will be the closest equivalency to virginity a man my age range can hope for….chaste for a good cause. I want to unleash myself on one deserving man. A man who I can give my heart and body to and will cherish me deeply for everything I encompass. The good, the bad and the deviant.

Can I get an Amen?  😉

I love that Sophie Tucker song “Fuck They”

This thing with Kurt made me realize that I am not your average kitty cat.  While yes, I have 2 years of psychology and behavior modification under my belt and I have a lot of great things to show for it: an amicable divorce, the best self esteem I’ve ever had, a better relationship with my children and parents, etc. I have also issues that have not and may not ever go away.

We all have our drama. I know now relationship-wise I still desire a high level of co-dependence. I need a high level of intensity and charge. I crave a relationship where I can have a lot of freedom and trust and yet still have a significant level of enmeshment and possessiveness. Can I say that this is healthy? Maybe most people wouldn’t think so but to me it feels like home. It is what I need. What satisfies the deep cravings of my soul.

Honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I am learning that things are not going to be exactly how I think they are going to be and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite glorious to accept that maybe what makes you intrinsically happy isn’t the “picture of normalcy”, but if it works for you and it’s good for you….who gives a fuck?

I don’t think my version of “happily ever after” will look anything like everyone else’s, because frankly I’m not like everyone else. I have desires that grow wild and untamed. I have deviancies that have their one deviancies….and I think now…instead of trying to be someone I’m not and chastise myself for it… I am going to embrace it and cherish it. I will never be vanilla. I will never be a prim little proper princess. I will both roar and lay myself at the alter of love as a sacrifice interchangeably….because that is who I am. It is who I enjoy being. It is who I will be deep down regardless of how many more years of therapy I have now come to realize…..because deep down I will resonate only with that which enchants my heart….and I’m ok with whoever that may be. No more judgment from my head about it. I’m letting it be and there is such a deep satisfying freedom to that…because all this work does make me see…ultimately I do have my own best interest in mind. Ultimately the heart wants who it wants for good reasons of its own…and I am good with that. Wherever it takes me.

I say that while I literally am dating no one; sleeping with no one. I have no one on the horizon and no interest in any person right this second…beyond what doesn’t seem meant to be.

At least….I’m figuring things out…and allowing myself to accept that what I will one day have will never resemble “normals”. It can and will be my greatest happiness. It will just be our very own version; a healthy and good for both of us yet deviant and highly co-dependent for most people relationship with someone just a little bit broken too. Frankly when you look at it that way it makes perfect sense. And truly I’m just at the point in my life where “I don’t give a fuck about they”!!

Bring it…..no?

So this is what I want.   Boys, prep your virgin ears for some nasty ass shit. You know that old blood smell that women have at the end of their cycle when they are in the last days of their period and it’s rather odiferous. I mean come on. This dying blood has been sitting inside us for days, trickling out and sluffing off dead uterus lining. I’d pay to see your face right now.

Anyway. If I could find a guy willing to go down there and lick me clean because they couldn’t fucking wait to taste it. Now that kind of passion is something  I could enjoy tremendously.  I’m waiting for it to come in a more healthy version than I’m used to.

One with devotion, understanding, tenderness,and trust. One that will hopefully last through this lifetime and beyond.  I think I deserve that.  We all deserve that and I’m willing to give that too.  Obviously not literally that, I mean the D.U.T.T. part.

Boy Crazy

I’ve always been boy crazy. I did have a spell where I felt I went both ways in high school.  A period where I really wanted to be with a girl. By my 20’s when I got to actually try it I was not able to relax enough to enjoy it; even with mass amounts of alcohol. Now I think woman are still glorious and I would love to make out with one. However, I can’t see myself in a relationship with one. I have only 3 times been attracted enough to a girl to be like; um yea…sign me up.  And that hasn’t happened in 20 years. Soooo. Who knows?

Meanwhile still as boy crazy as ever and drum roll here please……..

I can fall madly in love again. I am just so thrilled, because I really wasn’t all that sure. So, if that has to be the take-away from the Kurt Edward thing then so be it. I’m not fighting against the tide anymore. That just gets too hard. I want to simply enjoy my life now. That’s it. It sounds complex but it really isn’t.*

I guess what I am saying is that whatever that was on many levels was rather painful.  It was too much going against the tide and while I don’t shirk away from being stretched as a person, from new experiences outside my frame of reference; when it comes to putting my heart on the line; I want make sure it’s going to be well taken care of and appreciated and I simply didn’t feel that was the case after a while.

——

The funny thing is I can be completely and unwaveringly loyal to one man. I’ve proven it on a longish term…almost 3 years and more than happily so. The interesting thing is that my current version of monogamy is so much more lenient than it used to be and more so than the standard relationships people have.  You’d think that would appeal to men. Maybe I’m too naive. Are men more romantic then they allude?  Life can be so confusing.  Wish everyone just meant what they said and said what they meant.  I’m all for games.  I love poker.  Bedroom games are all good.  Don’t fuck with my heart though.  Why is that too much to ask for?  Uggghhhh  Heartbreak sucks!

____

*I’m figuring it this way and I know I’m not the first to say it…..but if I can’t enjoy the things I have now; the good my life does have in it, then why should I be entitled to more?  Right?  Just seems to make sense to me. Religious studies can be scientific; if you consider them based in logic. At least I see it that way. Lol

Kurt Edward

My latest obsession

I wanted love to come forth like a torrential storm from him. Which it did at the beginning before we had sex. I can tell you exactly the moment it all turned; but that is neither here nor there. Is it?  All I know is he can’t give me what I really want and I simply won’t settle for less.  But let’s start where most things start; with the introduction.

I remember when I saw his profile pop up on Tinder. I recall seeing it months earlier on another app I had tried. OKCupid I think. I had swiped. He did not…or so my memory serves up. Regardless I was happy to see him again and I was even more thrilled that he swiped on me. The conversation went well. He agreed to my stipulations; which didn’t surprise me.

What eventually surprised me was how many men thought I was making them jump through hoops unnecessarily. Which I find comical. But let me try not to digress too much here.

The moment I saw him I knew I liked him, even from afar. We talked easily and I was impressed by his candor and intellect. He caught me completely off guard when he told me he was a dominant out of the bedroom. I mean yes I saw in his profile it clearly said Dom…but how is one to assume he meant 24/7. I didn’t even know such a thing existed frankly. I am all for play but this idea struck me as beyond odd. Why?  For who’s benefit?  It sounded tiring, not fun and like way too much work.

I tried momentarily to put myself in those shoes and I let him take the lead while we walked through the trails of the garden in the rain. Yes it was romantic as fuck….to me at least. Digressing. Acquiescing did not work at all for me. It felt contrived and forced and just wrong….but he still intrigued me.

When we got back to our cars we kissed and it was a really great kiss. He wanted to continue the date and I agreed happily. He was polite in my changing the venue twice before settling on sushi, but I could see the smoldering irritation underneath.

At the meal he stared at me intently while I alone ate. It was strange but thrilling. Obviously not typical behavior but not off-putting either. At least not to me, but then I’m sure you’ve gathered I have virtually no boundaries.

It was when he began pulling my hair that I was jerked back to his insatiable desire to control. I didn’t mind it per say. I just didn’t like it in that environment, with children at a table across from us. When he went to a more discreet leg pinching I jumped in a thrilling disbelief that this was happening and at the sharp pain which I found myself really enjoying.

Once I got home that night and was better able to process the afternoon I realized that I was not cut out to be a submissive 24/7 and I wasn’t about to waste anymore time with him, no matter how appealing and cute.

I texted him some remark about being nice to meet him and being incompatible. To my great surprise he turned the tables on me and asked me to be his Domme. I had been contemplating my desires to both control and be controlled for some time and had looked into a few meetings and clubs but never followed through.

Yet here he was challenging me to the very deep dark desire I had always wanted to explore. Needles to say I fell right into the trap. Date 2 and 3 were a whirlwind of excitement and lust. So many romantic fantasies fulfilled at a dizzying pace that I couldn’t catch my breath. It was fucking awesome. Then the rug got pulled again.

Date 4 I believe. I had said from the beginning that I like sex clubs. I have a bucket list of sexual fantasies.  Monogamy isn’t my thing. I want to play. However I want a relationship and I want play to be together. He however, while agreeable at first now asked me; while we were making out in his bed mind you, “if this turns into a relationship, can I still date?”, to which he then turned and dominated me into calmness…because I was a bit (rightfully so) angry and bitterly confused. We ended things swiftly; via text again. Yep. I hate conflict and it takes me a while to digest my feelings.

Soon after that (a day or so) he told me he would comply with monogamy or my version thereof and we commenced again. Soooo. Things were going great. He was in Hawaii and we maintained almost constant communication and talked over the phone. The kinds of conversations you remember having in high school or college that just went in all kinds of great directions and you never wanted it to end. Fucking….. I was taken. To be honest I can tell you the exact moment I knew I would love this guy madly…but I refuse to say right now.

Anyway….I picked him up at the airport. Mind you, we haven’t had sex yet. I wore velvety wine colored short shorts under a simple tank and my come fuck me (pretty woman) white fluffy jacket. It was the look on his face though. It was not right. I could tell I was not what he remembered or expected. The kiss we had was beyond awkward and the conversation on the drive to his house felt forced and confusing. I was still trying so hard though. My heart was still beating so fast at the excitement and knowing we would be having sex. It really was all I could think of at the time.   Plus, I just knew in my heart we could turn it around. We did have sex. It was a few good notches above average; for me at least.

What I didn’t know at the time is that he needs a constant flow of power. Either me controlling or him controlling. He can’t just do plain. He can’t do vanilla. It has to be charged, even though it didn’t have to involve pain or humiliation, per say. Bear with me as these are all new concepts to me still. If I understand this correctly he needed that extra layer or he simply didn’t want to partake. He had graduated away from “the norm”*.  I did not understand or know the extent of it then. I also did not know then that no matter what I try or how I tried it he didn’t really want to be my submissive outside the bedroom. He kept saying he did and thinking he did but his actions always suggested elsewise and he never could acknowledge this.

The next day once I  got home he texted me that he still wanted to date me but I was not “his happily ever after”. I was devastated. I cried for over 24 solid hours laying in bed. My girls flocked around me and I tried to make them understand I was ok. We are all allowed our sadness sometimes. To my oldest I explained that this is what heartache looked like and to make damn sure the boy who causes it be worth this much pain. We laughed and then I kept crying. All fucking day and night in bed. No food. Only enough water to sustain my tears. Still stings thinking of it.

And yet. I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to let go. I should have. It would have been easier. But no……I kept texting and texting him and he obliged me again…oh because upon hearing him say what he said I went off on him and broke up with him again. Lol. So here we are back in again after how many break-ups?

Mind you. We have known each other all of less than a month here. Lol. OMG. I can only laugh. The intensity. The fun. The sex. The drama. I ate it all up. Gobbled it like the Halloween candy you stuff in your face on the walk home from trick-or-treating so your parents don’t see you eat it. It was just that fucking good. It felt that awesome.

I can’t tell you know how much of it was fiction and how much was sheer adrenaline fueled lust. I was always completely honest and well…..I like to think he was too. I have no reason to believe he wasn’t being so. Which makes this ending even more tragic.

He and I share this link that few people would understand and we also share this brokenness. Like his insides (feelings/soul) and my insides make a puzzle. They meld together seamlessly. And I like to think that he saw that to, or why else would he have tried so hard. I don’t know.

I’m a very capable person (don’t look at this last job title for reference though).  Smart, driven, fun, kind, can laugh at myself and life, mostly happy and almost always mellow, although maybe he didn’t see so much of the mellow, because my heart always raced the Grand Prix when he was nearby.

I can start a business, give speeches, organize huge events, speak geek, make people at ease and enjoy myself doing it.

I can parent with aplomb, making dinners, keeping agendas, sharing touching moments and trying to let them be who they are while also being there for them when they are uncertain and scared.

But I can’t for the life of me master this relationship thing.  The happiest I felt recently was when I was controlling the relationship. When he was giving in to me and opening his entire world to me. Letting me in and letting me orchestrate it for him. It was invigorating and I also felt this deep obligation and even stronger desire to have always only his best interest at heart…from my point of view but with his point of view in mind too. Which I wanted him to thoroughly enjoy. Ugghhhhh. So confusing. How do you domme what you want them to do for their own good versus what they want to do or don’t want to do because that is their desire to do or not do?  Confused yet?

Who cares?  Right?  Who gives a fuck?  That should be the title of my sex book. I need to move on. He has made it perfectly clear numerous times that he can’t give me what I want and yea…..I said this already. Lol

 

 

———-

*the norm to me allows for more genuine intimacy. It’s not experiential intimacy like bondage is where the thrill of the experience itself binds you. It is more a melding of hearts and maybe this is what he really didn’t want.  Maybe that was the real fear he needed to conquer, or maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Maybe I simply truly am not what he wants. My heart yells at me to go to him and my mind tells me to stay put. So I guess it’s better that he doesn’t want to see me. It’s better for me….not in the sense that he isn’t what I want because currently he is but in the sense that he refuses or simply to can not give me what I want and I am not going to settle…..not when it comes to love.  I’ve been waiting my whole life for him, but if he can’t see that then maybe he wasn’t the right him after all and I have to just accept it and move on.

Powered by Hod

It’s an inside joke for just me. I’m allowed. Lol

Went to the sex club. So much fun. I know at least 4 of the girls there were female prostitutes. At least one guy maybe two were and at least 2 pimps. It was so obvious. Why do they have to be so obvious? I suppose to get clientele. But it’s ridiculous really. Can we just glam it up a little people please? Let’s treat the girls like real angels and not property. Assholes!

ugghh. Sorry

So I ask one of them if he’s a pimp. We ALL know he is but ok… I’ll play along. And his girl next to him says to me “I could never be a a pimp; could you?” And I say “um yea….easily”.

I’m not saying girls are stupid. Girls are smarter than men can even grasp on levels many men do not touch but most have little business sense or rather too much fear surrounding self empowerment. Am I one to talk though?  I’ve had to resort to escorting to try and survive….assuming of course that even pans out.  It’s not like I’m trying all that hard and at this point I’m staunchly determined to do it on my terms. Fortunately, I have other stakes in the fire too, so….we’ll see.

But undoubtedly….if it weren’t illegal I could do it. Absolutely so. I have no ethical issue with prostitution, but it is illegal. Plus that simply isn’t the job title I am looking for. If I had to work some legal angle I would try to think of one that would work but probably not at the sex club; maybe not even in Portland.

I’ve often secretly dreamt of opening up a legitimate health clinic in Amsterdam or the such that allows sex trade. It would have alternative therapies (including colonics and most importantly touch therapy.  I suppose I could do that here if I just didn’t include sex but a huge part of a persons issues can be resolved with releasing that desire and tension. I genuinely believe that many of a persons problems can be resolved by opening up to passion and self love as well as accepting touch and love from another or others and then hopefully… ideally, being able to translate that self-love outwards to others.

Sex Goddess

That’s the new moniker I’ve given myself; because I feel deserving.

Maybe some might say I’m a nymphomaniac; but I’ve never heard of a celibate one.

I derive intense satisfaction from being desired and touched affectionately and sometimes not so much tenderly.  😉

Conversely I can see something to desire in almost every man. I can see his sexuality and passion.

Every man has a certain allure; a certain draw and I can get on that wavelength most times.

I’m going to the sex club again tonight. Alone. I’m nervous and excited. For all intents and purposes (why do people say that?) I am a pretty reclusive person, so going from my idyllic life at home with my kiddo’s to sexually depraved sex kitten  and alone no less, is quite the jump.  Lol

 

Fun, fun!!