That’s it…I’m done listening to love songs!

I’ve had all I can take. This is ridiculous! For whatever reason right now I am not in a relationship. I accept it; begrudgingly. But I’m tired of wasting all this energy thinking about it. The most difficult part of this will be finding an outlet for my sexual energy. I’ve slated two work out sessions tomorrow to try and combat that and I think I’ll break out the new vibrator soon.

If that means I have to listen to classical or polka or even songs from dialects I don’t understand that would be better than this constant love song barrage. If I didn’t constantly have music on that would be another story maybe but I literally listen to music all day long so really. The obsession is real. Plus and I can’t stress this point enough; the person I’m meant to be with isn’t here with me now; so how am I to know what love songs he will inspire me to gravitate towards. Hopefully the most passionate, deep and heartfelt ones ever made; but we aren’t at that stage of the game.

So… this isn’t meant to be a one person act. I don’t want to orchestrate the entire thing. I want to be overwhelmed. I want lightening to strike. I want it to all be really rather effortlessly beautiful. Is that too much to ask? No idea. Maybe it is.

For now we’ll cut out the love sonnets and focus on just having fun and getting to where I want to go or think I want to go. I’m still a work in progress. I’m okay with that. I have all my life to live it and I refuse to become complacent with it or latch on to things I don’t believe in. I only get one turn on this merry-go-round. Saddle up! It’s fun and madness and real and raw and I love it all!!!…

& thank God for bubble baths too!!!

I hate Fridays

When I was younger and single Friday’s were my jam. I always went out on Friday. Even if the week had been abysmal and I was exhausted I rallied and pulled off a fun Friday. I was determined. I worked my ass off during the week. Usually hitting the gym daily and then working hard and commuting. I basically had no life during the week so Friday was the day to say “fuck this; I’m having fun” to it all…and even when they didn’t turn into epic nights I made the opportunity available and some nights were epic.

Now…well. I don’t really drink, I don’t really have party type friends, I don’t have a steady man to enjoy the nightlife with and I’m not dating. Soooo. Friday’s are not my favorite day. Twiddling my thumbs was never my specialty. Ugghhhhh. Hobbies.

I need hobbies. Something either physical or something mellow; nothing involving mental agility as I’ve previously discussed my brain activity after 6pm is not at its best…it’s not bad but I’m competitive by nature sooo…yea. I want all the edge I can get always. I am rather busy now too. So many projects and life changes going on that Friday’s should be the least of my worries and yet…😔

and yet…

here comes another lonely Friday night.

“Hold you in my Arms” – Ray LaMontagne

My eldest says the songs I listen to are sad. They aren’t. Not all of them. I have my dance track, my workout track, my morning track, 80’s punk, country, techno, on and on…but I also have songs like this that I’m listening to now…that yes I suppose are a bit sad. Admittedly.

“It takes a lot to Know a Man” – Damien Rice

“Let it be me” – another Ray song

—–

So I’m going to come clean here. I’ve had over a dozen calls and that doesn’t even count the repeat calls for the escort service website I set-up. Each time I’ve literally been standing by my phone and I just watch it ring. A few times I texted back a hi. Twice I actually picked up (I know. I can’t believe it myself). Once was an acquaintances that had lost my cell number. Once I got hung up on. I answered out of curiosity really. Like “who are you?” “What are you about?” “What is it you are really needing in life?” because I’m pretty sure it’s not really an escort or Domme. Lol. Or even sex (which I wouldn’t do anyway).

I’m not even sure why I even have it up still. Part of me hopes maybe Club Privata will give me a job paying as an MC and more burlesque type activities and lots of games. Wouldn’t that be fun? Lol. Don’t get me wrong. I’m applying for county jobs too, not sure how I’m going to pass the drug tests when we get there…it’s going to be a challenge staying off RSO a few weeks.

It’s the exact same thing as taking someone off anxiety meds. For me at least; it’s mostly medical and partially spiritual. Since I’ve never had pot with anyone really I can’t say it’s for fun. I only ever do it right before my bubble bath and then right to bed or after the kids are asleep. Maybe one day I will be able to say it’s for fun though.

———-

I’m feeling so all alone in the world. When things aren’t especially good I tend to bury my head in my shell like a tortoise and isolate myself more than my standard hermit like (at times) behavior. Not that I even have that many friends or all that supportive of a family to begin with & I’ve even avoided all their calls lately.

Not sure what it in store for me. I suppose no one ever knows. The next corner holds a mystery for us all. It’s the crux and beauty of life. Isn’t it?

Sherry Braised Beef Cheeks – who am I kidding?

I felt myself getting wet again tonight and went to check. It smelled exactly like the scrumptious sherry braised beef cheeks I made earlier. I expected it to taste that way too since it was so pungent. It had no taste. Made me laugh though and remember how wildly the taste of my long term boyfriends cum always was. Sometimes excessively salty, other times subtly sweet. Boy did I love giving him blow jobs. I didn’t recognize until this year that my own taste was as wildly varied as well. It was never mentioned to me. 🤔

——

Why this makes me think of my new lover I don’t quite know. I think I’m going to have to pass on him. Not because I don’t want him specifically; there is nothing wrong with him at all. It’s just that I have my heart set on true love…and waiting…no matter how excruciating it will be is the right answer; for me. I can’t speak for anyone else. I keep trying to talk myself out of abstinence because well…sex is awesome. But…well…

He’s there for now. It’s nice to know that at least. “Single and eligible” as he said to me. Maybe if the mood strikes just right I’ll give him another go. Maybe…I’m guessing not though. He was so cute about the whole thing. The way he gushed on and on about me having him over for sex; a huge compliment and ego boost he said. He had never had the honor from a girl he didn’t already have a past with. Lol. Adorable. We went on a date. We made out a little. Didn’t seem outlandish to me to give him a try.

I just keep forgetting it’s not going to cut it. It just won’t.

I can think of a few situations where I would and could break with this but there are so many if, but, maybe’s that frankly it isn’t even worth mentioning or thinking about at all. Which is too bad because I love thinking about it. 😉💋

Love, sex and…

Sooooo…

I think I have a lover now. It’s not quite official yet. We’re still in the trying it out phase.

He’s handsome and passionate. He’s a responsible adult with absolutely zero drama. We’ll see how it goes. For now it’s just nice having an outlet for my sexual desires and something to look forward to weekly (at least; I’m hoping). I have a preference for 2-5 times a week but without living together that number isn’t realistic for two adults with careers and kids.

I really want the magical combination; great sex, love, fun and friendship. Of all those things fun and sex are the easiest to come by and love and friendship the hardest (IMO). Soooo… the club is fun, my lover now gives me sex and the hunt continues for the real deal. Not so much a hunt as just being open to it when it does come. Having a lover is a nice boost for my self esteem, an awesome tension release, and a great way to abate the intense overdrive that has me in constant lust mode. Kicks it down a few notches at least.

Here’s the outfit I wore to the club Friday. What do you think? Not sure if you can tell, but the skirt is see-through. Vroom vroom boys.

Only 8 months ‘til Halloween. 😂

This fucking topsy-turvy life.

My motto in life currently is

“I’m just happy to be here.”

It’s the stance I take in good and bad times; even if I have to roll my eyes a tiny bit when I say it. Even when I’m so happy I could cry. Even when times are so dark it’s hard to see any light.

I accept. That’s all I can do. I accept. I move forward doing the best I can. Looking in to my fish bowl I’m sure everyone could give their own opinion and some may wildly differ. All I can do is follow my heart…one foot in front of the other, moment by moment, day by day…waiting for the ease.

Respite for my heart. A haven for my soul. Something I can trust to the ends of the earth.

——

This is my outfit for Halloween. I’m trying to start compiling it now. Maybe I can DIY the shoes. Lol. I know. I’m all over the place. Such is life. I want to taste it all. Except non-organic wheat and dairy, meats and produce. Yuck! Wait…what else is there? 🤣 What can I say? Health is important!

I’ve always wanted to do couples costumes. So much in life I haven’t done. Never gone to Europe. I’ve never been in a hot air balloon. I’ve never dressed this hot for Halloween. The cavewoman outfit Elizabeth lent me was close though; wish I had a picture of that.

How many stalkers does one girl need?

That’s obviously rhetorical; the answer is zero. I’ve already had a peeping Tom. I’ve had a guy crash into my car on purpose. I’ve had some truly odd experiences with men that seem to skirt the line between normal and obsessive behavior, but since none of it seemed dangerous to me I disregarded it all. Plus I figure almost every girl deals with some of this stuff, right?

Maybe this has to do with my naïveté, but unfortunately I clearly have a stalker right now. I don’t feel in any danger though, I really am simply perplexed because it doesn’t make sense to me. Someone has been going into my car and leaving the necklace that is on my rear view mirror gingerly draped on the side of it.

The thing is that I am the only one with a key to my car. I bough the car directly from the dealer and never received a second key. The car has a rudimentary alarm build in that sounds off if it is opened without the sensor. Then also tonight the back gate was left wide open with the necklace moved again. I tend to think it may by my ex, but even that seems outlandish for him.

It’s no use confronting him since he would deny it even if it were him. I can’t see him making a copy of my car key because he’s generally a very cheap guy but who knows. I suppose the thing to do is call the local dealership to see if a key was made for my car in their records. Frankly it’s just more annoying than anything. It’s not the kind of stalking I like…not that I like any stalking.

But what girl doesn’t like a secret admirer and tokens of adoration? And I’m not talking about the eaten fruit a mystery person used to leave in my front yard, which made me feel like they had been standing there eating fruit watching my house and then leaving a calling card day after day. That was bizarre. Just bizarre and I know that wasn’t my ex because he wasn’t my ex at the time and he was the one who called the cops to report it…which seemed silly to me to report at the time. I guess my hope here is that this doesn’t escalate to more. Frankly I don’t have the emotional tolerance for it right now. My plate is jam packed already.

So please, if you happen to be the person doing this have a bit of mercy on me. I’m just a girl. There are millions of us in the world. Go expend this energy on someone else…please. Don’t get me wrong; who can’t use more friends, love, support, etc…but obsessive stalking doesn’t fall under those. I’m sure you can find better things to do…and I just don’t need this right now. Really I don’t.