Up until now I have been completely misunderstanding the concept. These men want to be told these things “you do not deserve my attention”, ” you are not worthy of the air you breath”, “no one will ever truly want you or love you the way you are, you sissy fag” or whatever, etc. etc. Whatever their thing is* because it mimics the thoughts in their head and thereby me saying it validates it for them and they feel satiated and complete. Like it all makes sense for them; that someone finally sees them as they see themselves.

Then there is the forced feminization or pain. They actually want it…truly, deeply down to their essence do but they need it forced onto them. They want it forced onto them so that it isn’t something they are seeking for themselves; because they do not allow themselves that luxury and/or because it also triggers emotional pain.** They have suppressed their desires so deeply that they must be made to do it and then and only then does it feel right.

Now I get it! Now it makes sense. Once I understand the psychology behind it I have the “aha” moment I need. The clarity I desire. I can’t just do things to do them. I mean… I can but there isn’t enjoyment to it***, but once I comprehend it then I can truly relish in it. It moves beyond just a game. It moves to a place I want to drive the bus. Lol. Now I can do this. Now I WANT to do this!!


So in this sense; the sense that I am “allowing” (aka making) someone feel something they deep down to some level want to feel; something that validates a true desire or belief then it becomes almost healing. It reaches a part of them that needs to be seen, that needs to be understood, that needs release. How could that not be good?

Now that right there may just be better than sex. Coming from a nymphomaniac that’s saying something. Lol


*very individualized

**and perhaps me being there with them in that pain is safe. Feels safe.

***especially something that goes against my core nature of compassion and acceptance.

End Goal

The end goal has been and continues to be marriage. I enjoy being part of a family unit. It’s what I’ve deeply longed for since childhood; especially coming from a broken home and being bounced around so much. I wanted it so desperately I stayed in a failed and damaging marriage much longer than I should have.

I am obviously not in a place to really pursue that right now. I am not even in a place to do normal vanilla dating*; nor am I in a place where I just want sex….even though I enjoy it so much. So I’ve settled comfortably into trying to find a sub. Except that endeavor is actually much harder than it initially seemed, but at least it’s a fun one. It’s put me in contact with a lot of interesting people and opened my eyes to worlds I never even knew existed.

But the end game is still marriage and I don’t want to lose sight of that in all this fun and madness. Lol

Today at the munch two women were married to their subs. I was quite envious actually and I’m not an envious person, but that just seems the best of all worlds. The hard play, depth, vulnerability and passion of D/s yet the normalcy, comfort, companionship and stability of marriage. Ho hum.

A girl can dream.


*not that I would ever again.


I’ve said this before….but statistically the more sexual partners you have the less sexually satisfied you will be. Makes sense right? The more different and exotic flavors of candy you have the more one flavor for a long period may seem bland; no matter how great the flavor may be.

In this realm I’ve noticed people tend to have many play partners. I can have a Bull (sexual partner on the same power level), a Dom, and many different types of subs; service, play, pain, etc. I would like to maybe try this out for myself but part of me is afraid that if I do and I like it I won’t go back. I won’t be able to to go back. I DETEST living my life through the lens of fear. Absolutely fucking refuse to!!

Sooo….that said. There is a chance that going down this road may shatter all my notions of what I thought I wanted or maybe it can bring me the happiness I’ve sought for so very long. Right? Who’s to say without trying it out. Who’s to say? That’s one I can’t even answer for myself.

That’s one that either I take the plunge or possibly live in regret. Who wants to live a life in regret? I think I’d rather suffer the consequences of having at least tried. I may have scars but my heart is light and the smile is genuine…and the tears…the tears can sometimes be glorious. Lol

Domme Space Camaraderie

The munch today was heaven. To talk to other women who know and understand that headspace was a pleasure. Sheer joy!! Especially the older Domme’s with ample experience. They’ve had more hard play than I have but the need for full submission; the need to dominate, the need to drive that force is palpable….and it made my headspace swirl and bubble.

It was delectable to share that understanding, to relate so well to other women that way. To see their power within the dynamic. To feel my own power swell within the gathering. To accept beyond a single shadow of a doubt my place within this world.

I am home!


As an aside I FINALLY figured it out. What makes the Domme space come out in full fruition. It is a need for either to see pleasure from my actions or to see full unabashed submittance. It must be one or the other and of course preferably both. This is why trying to Domme a Dom is futile and feels like misery. They don’t understand the space. They don’t know the dance. I’ve had one try and it was not fun. They were like a fish out of water and had no visceral reactions to me. So I’ve learned to stay clear. Sex is sex and it’s fun but it is NOT the headspace I crave. Lol. To each her own.

I Can’t Breath

This has been happening a lot to me within this realm.

I’ve been having experiences that make me pant so strongly, so intensely that I get extremely and severely lightheaded. Today I felt that if I wasn’t already laying down I would have completely lost my physical bearings.

I’ve been talking to A LOT of men. Mostly all in the capacity of them wanting me to be their Domme. A few within different capacities; a couple Dom’s, a few potential patrons, a lovely sadist, a few crossdressers wanting friends and understanding, and in the case above a real slave.

Real! Not pretend, not (just) for fun, not with a life of his own. No! He would be my property. Under my direct command and control 24/7 with no rights, no expectations, no say.

He has been explaining it to me….charming me…taunting me. “Slave A” he calls himself….as if there were to be more and he is setting his marker; as if he was denoting his category. Lol.

I am deeply enthralled.

I can’t say though. I am not ruling it out. I’ve already said I’m taking life as it comes; living in the moment and for now I find myself here and I am just so happy this morning.

I have stakes in many fires. I am so enchanted that I am allowed to roam freely within all these beautiful worlds. Right now the flames are warming me to my core. I feel so alive.

Thankful; even as I lay here alone, even as almost every single one of these “relationships” is still only virtual, that I am being honored with so many people opening the door to their being to me. It is a blessing beyond blessings. I am just so deeply happy to be here.


In the case above. The slave. He expects, wants and NEEDS degradation and humiliation. He needs to feel his place in life. The place that for whatever psychological reasons satisfy his inner being. He needs this. I am so curious as to why really. What made this switch in his psyche happen.

In my vanilla life, while married I had to train myself to not degrade my husband in public, no matter how frustrating, irritating and stupid his behavior was at times. I did not want to bruise his ego and also did not want to be “that person”. The person that is clueless as to how hurtful and vial their verbiage and responses are. I am very mindful of myself that way.

So to come out of that would have to be purposeful and I have no context for it. I am by nature a very loving and empathetic person. I can sense peoples emotions before they’ve even spoken. Even when they aren’t expressing visual emotion. It is a strong sense I have. Sometimes it even overwhelms me. I have been trying to learn to control this better.

So to humiliate someone I would have to feel safety there for them. But I am thinking that if I simply accepted it as a game and saw the genuine pleasure it gave them that I may be able to easily switch into it and have fun with it. Giggles. Sly smile. I’m thinking I really could. Now to test the theory.

I’ve asked my lovely new Domme friend to let me shadow her while she has that kind of session and let me participate a little (if possible) to get a feel for it. She has not responded. To be fair she is quite busy, an introvert, and has few clients on her roster. Simply because she doesn’t need very many to support her lifestyle. So I may have to wait a bit, if she even agrees.

I’m going to a munch today to meet fellow Domme’s. I won’t be able to stay after to entertain myself with suitors. Ho hum. Lol

Life is beautiful! πŸ’‹β€οΈ

Mental Health & D/s

Inspired by CuriousClitty*

Obviously mental health is important. I am not taking light of the fact that having a healthy sense of self esteem and self determination are vital to one’s overall well being. This lifestyle is funny in that it can very quickly lift you up or push you way down.

Maybe that’s where you were meant to go anyway; maybe this was just a catalyst. I can’t say. Interestingly, Oregon tried to pass a law in 1992 to teach children in school that BDSM is dangerous and I agree that it can be. Asphyxiation, extreme sadism, fluid exchange with strangers: examples of things that can skirt the line.

But I find that if you let it D/s can propel you into a rawness that opens your eyes to depths of yourself you never knew existed. Things maybe we don’t particularly want to or enjoy seeing and parts of us we never knew, strengths we never even felt a whiff of prior to. With that can also come an acceptance of parts of us that society pushed aside out of lack of understanding or in mockery. A part of ourselves we locked away. I’m just saying that sometimes when you start shoving things in that skeleton closet good things get thrown in too; worth taking a peek. Lol

But come on now….people in ALL realms of life can be bonkers. That this lifestyle does attract fringe people with nefarious intentions and some negativity gets exchanged….well….true….but show me where that does not happen?

I can’t account for other people’s crazy. I can only account for my own….and I like my crazy just the way it is; with ample loads of of D/s.

More please!!

*Can’t wait to hear about your self discoveries. πŸ’‹

Worlds are Colliding

Soooo. I’m a pretty honest person. It’s like my dog…. I accidentally trained him to not bark. He will bark if he senses real danger but that is so few and far between that he really rarely ever barks. The same happened to me during my childhood. I was trained to not lie. Instant karma coupled with catechism and being caught lying and suffering dire consequences just kind of knocked it out of me. Lol

No segue


I would love to live in a world where I could fully and completely just be myself. But my realities are so disparate. So now that my worlds are colliding it feels a bit off-kilter. Will God keep me safe?

Here’s to the angels living and ethereal. I need you now more than ever. So thankful for you all.

That’s it. Should there be more than gratitude?

Gratitude (graciousness) is a yummy space to live in. I didn’t say easy. Trust me! But I did say yummy! That is not nothing. It’s actually pretty close to everything. Lol

I dare you to try. πŸ€ͺπŸ‘…πŸ˜

No one hits the mark 100% of the time, but would there be any fun to it if anyone did?We are all such fallible creatures. There is beauty and pain to that. Isn’t there?