So there is all this new age stuff being shoved down our throat constantly about manifesting your destiny. Basically you have to visualize what you want clearly and hold space for it with positive expectations. I believe it works and I’ve seen people who I think (maybe erroneously) don’t merit its benefits succeed greatly through its use.*
Over the last few weeks of work I’ve realized something; a clarification of sorts. You see…… once I finally got to my golden number of clients: 15; it came to me.
I have said from the beginning – I need 12-15 clients a week to sustain myself financially. Last week I had 15. This week I have 12. It’s a bit of an anomaly. There were factors that may or may not duplicate themselves but I was able to see clearly that which I’ve envisioned for over a year manifested and I realized that……
Yes I am so very deeply grateful and yes I absolutely love what I do and yes I am so truly happy to be where I knew I wanted to be and am so glad I was able to achieve my goals……if only temporarily. It has clarified something for me.
When it comes down to it…. I hate to even say this because it sounds so antiquated. I think it makes me sound….. well….. I’m sure a myriad of unpleasant words could maybe apply here. So…. I’m just going to say it. I want to be a (pseudo) housewife again**. There. I said it and part of me can’t even believe I did.
I have been taking care of myself since I was 17. I started working at 15. I started my first business at 9 selling candy and stickers to classmates. When I got married at 29 my (ex)husband and his family wanted me to stay at home. It took me three years kicking and screaming the whole time to accept it and even then not entirely. I still pursued making my own money as much as I could on a hobby type basis while maintaining my family and household in no. 1 status.
I feel like I have to justify this desire but honestly I don’t. That’s just what I want. The freedom to work when I want to and how I want to while taking care of the people I love first and foremost.
I’m not sure how this will manifest: lottery, speaking engagements, increase my rates, marriage. I honestly don’t know. I know I won’t compromise who I am to get it. But I also know I can’t keep going at this rate. I’ll most certainly burn out.
So I’m manifesting ease for myself. I often think how can this work? Wouldn’t everyone do this? Wouldn’t those people suffering in Yemen, seeing their children starve to death simply manifest a different reality. I wish I had an answer for that. I wish I knew why so many innocent people suffer in this world. It’s a lot to take on and I don’t have a clear answer to why. So I have to trust and believe one day I will know the answer to that and it will satisfy my souls pain.
Until then…. what is there to do? I have but one stupid little life here. I’m just trying to make the most of it. I’m not going to be ashamed to want what I want. I’m going to accept that wanting it is acceptable and plausible and who knows….. maybe just maybe….. life will grant me this or even better.
The thought makes me happy and ultimately that’s what I truly seek. Happiness!
*Good for them. It’s not my place to judge. It just from the outside appears to be so, but who knows. I do see that most people who feel unworthy (whether they are right or wrong in that assessment) seem to self sabotage themselves at some point anyway. And three cheers for Karma.
**There really should be a better word for this. I just want to take care of the people I love. I want to have the energy and time for the things I love; this also includes my business clients. In order to do this I have to have the time to replenish myself. In a finite world it becomes difficult. Life doesn’t seem to be structured for self care.
I almost wish I could truly harness this healing capacity people seem to attribute to me. But at the same time it scares me. On so many levels. It scares me that I don’t have control over it. I was told by a fellow healer I was simply manifesting love. I get that but then why can I not control it, target it? And if I could then what? Would I myself be a target of some kind? And could I take care of myself enough to replenish this energy; being that the world seems in such dire need of healing?
I’m honored and confused and worried about it…. all in one big jumble. I don’t wish it away….. but….. I am also so unsure what to do about it. I’m going to let it come of it’s own accord. I will be doing some Reiki training next month to see if I can focus the energy better. I guess we’ll see.
I get concerned for myself because like in the case of Brad and other clients that are also ill….. sometimes I can physically feel their symptoms as if they were my own. Not to the extent they feel them but as a kind of pulsing sensation of discomfort. I’ve had so many “oddities” happen in my life that this is just one small manifestation of it. I don’t take it as any more than what I understand it to be. Which isn’t much. I let it be.
I guess maybe I just have to accept I was given this gift I don’t quite know how to use or understand fully yet. Leaving it in God’s hands. Because as I am apt to say fairly often “I know nothing”.
Honestly though… I don’t think I’m special. I think we all have the potential. I think we all have our own unique capabilities. We are all so much more extraordinary than we can even imagine. So this is me just embracing that or trying at least. Lol