Manifesting – housewife? – healing

So there is all this new age stuff being shoved down our throat constantly about manifesting your destiny. Basically you have to visualize what you want clearly and hold space for it with positive expectations. I believe it works and I’ve seen people who I think (maybe erroneously) don’t merit its benefits succeed greatly through its use.*

Over the last few weeks of work I’ve realized something; a clarification of sorts. You see…… once I finally got to my golden number of clients: 15; it came to me.

I have said from the beginning – I need 12-15 clients a week to sustain myself financially. Last week I had 15. This week I have 12. It’s a bit of an anomaly. There were factors that may or may not duplicate themselves but I was able to see clearly that which I’ve envisioned for over a year manifested and I realized that……

Soooo while…..

Yes I am so very deeply grateful and yes I absolutely love what I do and yes I am so truly happy to be where I knew I wanted to be and am so glad I was able to achieve my goals……if only temporarily. It has clarified something for me.

When it comes down to it…. I hate to even say this because it sounds so antiquated. I think it makes me sound….. well….. I’m sure a myriad of unpleasant words could maybe apply here. So…. I’m just going to say it. I want to be a (pseudo) housewife again**. There. I said it and part of me can’t even believe I did.

I have been taking care of myself since I was 17. I started working at 15. I started my first business at 9 selling candy and stickers to classmates. When I got married at 29 my (ex)husband and his family wanted me to stay at home. It took me three years kicking and screaming the whole time to accept it and even then not entirely. I still pursued making my own money as much as I could on a hobby type basis while maintaining my family and household in no. 1 status.

I feel like I have to justify this desire but honestly I don’t. That’s just what I want. The freedom to work when I want to and how I want to while taking care of the people I love first and foremost.

I’m not sure how this will manifest: lottery, speaking engagements, increase my rates, marriage. I honestly don’t know. I know I won’t compromise who I am to get it. But I also know I can’t keep going at this rate. I’ll most certainly burn out.

So I’m manifesting ease for myself. I often think how can this work? Wouldn’t everyone do this? Wouldn’t those people suffering in Yemen, seeing their children starve to death simply manifest a different reality. I wish I had an answer for that. I wish I knew why so many innocent people suffer in this world. It’s a lot to take on and I don’t have a clear answer to why. So I have to trust and believe one day I will know the answer to that and it will satisfy my souls pain.

Until then…. what is there to do? I have but one stupid little life here. I’m just trying to make the most of it. I’m not going to be ashamed to want what I want. I’m going to accept that wanting it is acceptable and plausible and who knows….. maybe just maybe….. life will grant me this or even better.

The thought makes me happy and ultimately that’s what I truly seek. Happiness!

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*Good for them. It’s not my place to judge. It just from the outside appears to be so, but who knows. I do see that most people who feel unworthy (whether they are right or wrong in that assessment) seem to self sabotage themselves at some point anyway. And three cheers for Karma.

**There really should be a better word for this. I just want to take care of the people I love. I want to have the energy and time for the things I love; this also includes my business clients. In order to do this I have to have the time to replenish myself. In a finite world it becomes difficult. Life doesn’t seem to be structured for self care.

——-/

I almost wish I could truly harness this healing capacity people seem to attribute to me. But at the same time it scares me. On so many levels. It scares me that I don’t have control over it. I was told by a fellow healer I was simply manifesting love. I get that but then why can I not control it, target it? And if I could then what? Would I myself be a target of some kind? And could I take care of myself enough to replenish this energy; being that the world seems in such dire need of healing?

I’m honored and confused and worried about it…. all in one big jumble. I don’t wish it away….. but….. I am also so unsure what to do about it. I’m going to let it come of it’s own accord. I will be doing some Reiki training next month to see if I can focus the energy better. I guess we’ll see.

I get concerned for myself because like in the case of Brad and other clients that are also ill….. sometimes I can physically feel their symptoms as if they were my own. Not to the extent they feel them but as a kind of pulsing sensation of discomfort. I’ve had so many “oddities” happen in my life that this is just one small manifestation of it. I don’t take it as any more than what I understand it to be. Which isn’t much. I let it be.

I guess maybe I just have to accept I was given this gift I don’t quite know how to use or understand fully yet. Leaving it in God’s hands. Because as I am apt to say fairly often “I know nothing”.

Honestly though… I don’t think I’m special. I think we all have the potential. I think we all have our own unique capabilities. We are all so much more extraordinary than we can even imagine. So this is me just embracing that or trying at least. Lol

Healthy Boundaries

When you come from an abusive background (childhood) whether that be physical, emotional or sexual it’s hard to know what healthy boundaries are.

A police detective that handled abuse cases for over 20 years told me a story of a young lady who filed rape charges against a man and they could not prosecute the man because of her behavior.

It turns out she went on a date with this guy and they went back to one of their places. He persuaded her to lay in bed with him. Kept telling her nothing would happen; he just wanted to lay with her. Then he persuaded her to get naked, but again with the stipulation that nothing was going to happen sexually. Then once they were both naked he raped her.

It almost sounds unbelievable; but I get it completely. This girl had no idea where her boundaries were let alone what healthy ones look like or how to enforce those.

She came from abuse and was drawing it to herself because she had not repaired the damage to her psyche and just let the pattern keep repeating. At what point is it her fault vs his fault? I’m not the one to answer that question.

All I know is that no one is responsible for someone else’s actions. I try so much to help people navigate their digestive (health) issues; but I so often feel like even though I’ve led them to an oasis of water I can’t make them drink it. Conversely you can entice someone into a negative behavior but ultimately their behavior is their own responsibility. Seems cut and dry to me but it isn’t that simple. Nothing ever is.

One foot out the door / Robocalls

I realized today something monumental about myself. I commit wholeheartedly to very little in life and to almost no one. I suppose it has to do with my deep acknowledgement that all things are impermanent.

I most obviously commit to my children. But I was thinking back to past relationships and in all sincerity I can’t remember ever being fully invested at all levels…. you know what I’m talking about?

That “ride or die” thing people talk about. I’ve never had that. It vacillates for me. I’m so used to men and relationships being a revolving door that it never occurred to me before that I could be part of the issue. Lol. Duh!

It never occurred to me that I very easily reach a point where I’m like…… okay…. “next”. Whether I was emotionally committed or mentally committed I could easily reach a point where I found the situation unhealthy enough to leave; not that I didn’t try communicating. It’s not that I didn’t try to salvage it. It’s just that at some point I’m like “whatever”; even as my heart broke walking away. I guess that sense of self preservation is a good thing.

But what I’m saying is I’d like to just once experience an unconditional, not looking back, this is it, no matter what happens I am ALL IN thing. Is that healthily possible? This requires more thought.

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Fucking robocalls. Read an interesting excerpt that half the phone calls we will receive in the next few years will be automated garbage. Ugghhhh. I’m not at the half way point but I get them almost daily. Got one this morning. Soooo. I’m not a vengeful person but sometimes it makes me feel better to visualize what eternal damning vengeance can be had. Morbid. Mean spirited. Sure. Yea. But it helps me release my feelings of not having control over a situation.

Today I pictured all the people that use, control and create robocalls. I pictured them in hell being tortured mercilessly and suffering intensely and then the phone rings and they have been told that one day that call will save them from this eternal damnation but every call is a robocall. Every call is automated with no one to help them and yet they must answer… because it is their only hope. Is it bad this makes me laugh? It’s not like I can make this an actuality. It’s not like I would if I could….. but it’s like BDSM. It’s just fun for me. It adds levity to a situation I want to reach through the phone and choke someone over….and I can’t. Sooooo this will do. Lol

Cock Cage – Day 1

We barely got it on him. It was a 2 person job. I realize I need to work on my videos (I don’t dialogue at all) and I also need to better my after care….but we didn’t have a lot of time today.

He has kept it on all day so far; but I gave him the key. For one it barely fits and if he gets remotely hard it will hurt and secondly I didn’t want him wearing it overnight. Ultimately it’s up to him what he does and when he takes it off as I’m an hour away but I trust that he will tell me so we can adjust things as needed.

It’s been so erotic knowing he is caged for me. Knowing that he can’t play with my cock. Eventually I will hold the key and that will be one very splendid day indeed.

Sadness

I’m doing a detox protocol. My moods are shifting quicker than usual. It’s normal but doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

Brad has me at a precipice. Part of me wants to fall into psycho possessive crazy needy girlfriend mode and the other part of me wants to be like “whatever; I’m happy you’re here but I’ll be fine without you too”. Not easy to manage that tightrope while also going through chelation.

Doesn’t help that I’ve been listening to sad songs all morning either.

When a person says they are going to do something, be here for me. I have expectations of that. Seems normal on my end. Life involves continual extenuating circumstances. I get that….. but I’m feeling a bit left in the dry. Unsure what is a correct level of dissatisfaction and just kind of navigating it all. It will be fine. Absolutely sure of that.

Just waiting for ease. The holidays themselves seem to make me a tiny bit sad too. The time change. All of it. It will be nice to have a snuggle buddy for some of the cold holiday nights.

Taciturn

Reluctant to complain. Maybe because I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. Maybe because things could always be worse.

My ex asked me if there were cameras in any rooms in my house today. At 10am I didn’t question it; at 3:30-am paranoia sets in. Lol

Brad alluded that I can be self righteous sometimes which I suppose I can be.

I’m a say what you mean and mean what you say kind of person.

I have a hard time understanding pretense sometimes, especially when I can’t see past it; which I dare seems often.

Sometimes I feel like people think I should be more scared than I am…… but I hate being scared. It’s why I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t need to dwell on things. I watched Jaws and couldn’t get in any body of water larger than a bathtub for years afterwards. So I’d rather just not go there. Lol

But I get it. Everyone is different. I can only say what works for me and what I’ve seen work for others that are a bit like me too; I guess. We all have to figure this life shit out for ourselves. For my own peace of mind I feel I have to give it all up; give up the fear, give up the anger, judgment, etc. the battering self-consciousness feelings of self depreciation and/or despair.

I can’t be happy and feel fully alive with feelings of guilt, bitterness, hatred. I believe in the “manifest your destiny” stuff. I guess I do. But I also believe that just going with what life presents and keeping an open mind and heart makes every moment much more pleasurable. And while I like the bing bangs in life. I like the happiness of just being happy so much better.

Now it’s just a matter of me remembering that.

Emotional Masochist

I’ve been accused of being an emotional masochist. I don’t disagree. I tend to say things that I consider mere factual statements that others tend to view as unnecessarily hurtful. The last case in point is that I told Brad “I don’t clearly see a future for us”. I can agree the “a” in that sentence maybe should have been a “the”…..but it doesn’t negate this as being the truth and I wanted to share it.

That I was stoned late at night and texting him was the irritating factor for him but that is generally my M.O. He doesn’t appreciate it. He says he takes it the wrong way and tries to respond and we end up arguing more. I also don’t disagree to this. But I still want a resolution. I still want my worries addressed. He said “I want to talk about these things in person”….. but I want issues handled as they come up and sometimes they don’t come up until I’m alone, pensive and usually stoned. So I told him pick up the phone and call me then or come over.

He can’t just not engage me. I bring these things up to connect to him. I bring these things up to for him to help calm my fears and for me to find my way to his heart and if he leaves me out in the cold to fend for myself it’s just going to make me feel more isolated than I may be feeling. Which is exactly what I am trying to not have happen. I’m reaching out for him in need of his comfort and reassurance. How can he not get that?

Writing is my deepest dialogue but it is definitely not his. It’s fine. I don’t need it to be. Had he just let me clarify I would have told him that being with him, that his love is exactly what I want and need in my life right now. That his love gives me so much strength and makes me so blissfully and deeply happy. Doesn’t he know that already though? It’s not like I haven’t told him.

Yes…. there are “issues”. Absolutely. Our politics are at complete odds. His health. My trust issues. On and on. But at the end of the day I still want to be wrapped in his arms….irregardless of all of that. All of that pales in comparison to what we share…. to how we feel about each other. At least that’s how I see it.

But we have these hiccups to navigate. We still have adjustments to make for each other. Being in a meaningful relationship is millions of micro-actions of love towards each other’s happiness…. ones we each may never even see or know about. It doesn’t mean changing…. not exactly. It’s like each of us is in charge of a handle for the water temperature mixer and we adjust accordingly to what we each need and what the relationship needs…. to achieve a common goal. It’s a symbiosis. Where one may be able to pick up the slack now and then; realistically both need to be working together to achieve the common goal: happiness, connection and depth.

Love is there. Love is easy. Love comes of its own accord. It’s the rest that can be hard.

I just don’t know. I honestly can’t say what the future holds. I don’t see it clearly for us……but we are also only 4 months into this. Should it be this complicated? IDK. Two grown adults each with our own separate difficulties in life……I’m guessing probably so. And in general I feel as hard as things sometimes still are in my life that I’m headed in the right direction…… and what else is there? I just need for his hand to be there when I reach out for it.

Been listening to Dave Mathews all morning. I forgot how much I really liked them.