Not seeking attention

My readership is down. Way down. Maybe it’s my lack of sex talk. Maybe it’s the turmoil in my life. Maybe it’s my “out there” and taboo subject materials. Maybe it’s my tone as of late. I can’t really say. I really don’t know. The funny thing is…..it doesn’t bother me at all.

Contrary to what quite a few people may think; I’m not doing this for attention. Nor do I expect handouts or or to be saved by someone. I’m especially not looking for pity and I usually am not looking for advice either.

This is just me desperately seeking a place I can be myself. I can share myself. I can scream about my experiences. Cry and laugh about the absurdity and pain and wonder of it all. Reminisce and slather myself in the experience that is me on this planet. After all, it’s the only experience I’ve got. I want to express my deepest feelings. I want to let it all out. Show all of me.

While I didn’t expect to be understood; I have found that so often here on this platform from kind kindred souls. While I didn’t expect to be accepted I have been welcomed into people’s hearts thousands of miles away and I cant express the gratitude and humility that gives me deep inside. And if there is one of you reading this or 100 makes no matter.

I am speaking my truth. At least here in this little speck of the etherworld I can do that freely and honestly (mostly at least). I wish I could write with 100% truth but we don’t live in that kind of world and between being held libel and having it have negative repercussions on my kiddo’s I do have to censor myself somewhat here.

But all the same. I’m more free here than I am anywhere else really, except the comfort of my home. But I don’t talk all that much, which is fine….. plus there aren’t other adults around. And as you all know some of my thoughts are very not PG.

Although I’ve been feeling a bit asexual lately. It’s fine. I’m enjoying this. Usually when I’m not having sex I’m feeling like a dieter at a buffet. Man candy everywhere I can’t have for whatever reason. Lol

Anyway……I guess this is a small thank you to whoever is out there in the quiet of the universe reading this now, friend I know….. or not yet. Thank you for being a witness and allowing me the space to be me.💋🥰🙏🏽❣️

The suppression of female characteristics in males and the lack of acceptance of the bisexuality of human nature as a cause of pedophilia, extreme aggression and self-loathing

This will be the premise of an ebook I’m going to work on. I’ll have to do the research of course and while I am pretty sure I will be able to prove my theory I am open to other lessons along the way.

I recognize that violence and pedophilia are also vicious cycles within themselves. Those subjected to the extreme trauma of violent and/or sexual predators often continue the behavior themselves. This will need to be accounted for, as well as the many other things that can spur this and self-loathing.

I remember as a small child seeing young boys innocently hold hands, especially in Mexico and other nations where this was not frowned on. But beyond that men acting feminine has been seen as weak and “less than” the “true male” characteristics desired from boys. Then add to that our innate desire for either sex.

Nature and nurture determine how we lean but there is no real set point. There is only the way we are meant to procreate. A simple look at the animal kingdom will tell you that even though animals generally have the same male/female union for germination, they don’t always bond beyond that.

We are so versatile and complex and yet we pigeon hole ourselves into these small little narrow boxes for clarity and control. I was thinking…… wouldn’t it be nice to just pick who I want to be when I wake up in the morning. Do I feel like dressing feminine or masculine. Do I feel like wearing a wig or a baseball cap? A skirt or a kimono or a wife beater? Why should it matter to anyone? Why?????? Just why????

One day I will do this, make it into an ebook. No one will read it, but I’ll have written it. That’s what counts….to me at least. Lol

💋😝❣️

Leggo my rifle

I know. I know. The mass murders are horrendous. The school shootings are an abomination. It is unmeasurable cruelty to take the innocent lives of strangers, let alone children. I mean….I can wrap my head around a killing of passion and/or revenge. Doesn’t excuse it necessarily but makes it understandable.

However, and as much as my left wing friends may besmirch this…..I don’t agree with gun bans. Sure. Certain people shouldn’t have guns: just like people that shouldn’t drive. There are those people who are not capable (physically or mentally) to handle that responsibility. That should be a no brainier.

So what? Do we take all cars of the roads for the few people that can’t be trusted to drive responsibly and humanely and yet still manage to find their way behind the wheel of a car? IMO, it should be perfectly allowed for a human being to own, possess, carry and use a gun for self defense and subsistence (when legally allowed).

The reason I am so adamant about this is because it just makes sense, plain and simple. I wish we lived in a world that did not need guns. I wish we lived in a world where civil wars, military oppression and violence in general didn’t exist…..but we don’t. So why should drug cartels, mafia, gangs, criminals, and the government all have easy access to guns? Why should law abiding citizens have to bear the brunt of this ban?

I’ve looked at the statistics up and down on this. Yes. While theoretically it would be nice to restrict assault rifles and high ammo guns, is it really possible? I’m not the kind of person that’s going to stockpile an armory worth of guns for doomsday but some people do. If they keep it secure and are responsible then who am I to say no to that?

Remember the Bundy Nevada stand-off? The feds backed off why? Because everyone there was armed to the hilt. Because it was going to end in a giant blood bath. Because it didn’t make sense to lose all those lives. That wasn’t exactly the most noble cause from how the media painted it, but I still had to applaud taking a stand and uniting against tyranny. Which I’m not 100% was the case here but not being at ground zero I err always on the side of the oppressed, even when it is a white man. Lol

Neil Degrassi came under a lot of fire recently for this tweet.

But if it’s statistically accurate then he is right. While a horrible, unspeakable tragedy I don’t think gun regulation is the way to go.

We have to create a world where guns used against our own kind aren’t necessary. A world where no one is left behind. A world where there are enough people aware and involved to stop these things before they even could be a thought. That world is a much better world to strive for than passing more and more laws that less and less people follow. No?

A writer / love is off the table

My daughter caught me in bed just laying there last night. I don’t normally do that sort of thing, unless I’m sick. I generally only sleep in my bed. Probably because I hate crumbs and street clothes to be on it and I figure it won’t confuse my brain; bed=sleep….simple.

But yesterday had been a long ass day of driving and working on eBay stuff for clients and I was trying to wind down but too tired to even watch TV. So as I laid there she came and laid out next to me and asked me how my day went. I don’t really like to complain, but I told her it had been a long day and I was tired. There was a bit of silence and she asked me “what did you want to be when you were a kid, or what do you still want to be?”.

I laughed a bit. People don’t usually go around asking grown-ass women with two businesses and 3 kids what they want to be? It was cute. It took me all of one minute to say “a writer”. She nodded, “I can see that. You do love to read.” I smiled. Then redirected the question back to her.

But that got me to thinking about it. Back when I thought for half a second Brad and I maybe could be heading towards marriage I envisioned being able to not work and have the time and energy to write the books I have in my head. It was such a peaceful and idyllic thought. Even though it’s no where near my reality it still makes me feel really good to imagine it. To imagine being able to just write for my own pleasure, for hours on end every day without having to worry about income and bills and blah, blah, blah.

Who knows if it will ever happen. But that is and has been the one consistent career I’ve wanted my entire life. Most everything else is work. I am passionate about colon hydrotherapy, of course. But let’s not kid ourselves, I literally clean shit for a living there. It’s not that I need my job to be glamorous. I’ve never had a glamorous job, ever. It’s not that I find it gross. After 3 kids, and being covered in all kinds of body fluids, rarely anything phases me really. It’s just that I can’t say that part is fun. But no complaints.

——

Brad comes back tomorrow. These last three weeks without him went fast. We barely talked, and texted only a few days, having mostly radio silence. I felt like I got a lot done at the time. I was bored here and there, truthfully, since I do tend to spend the vast majority of my day alone or at home. But I’m ok with boredom. It lets the mind wander to new places sometimes and I don’t have a problem just being with myself.

I had originally planned on staying with him tomorrow night but I’ve decided I don’t think I will stay at his house anymore. It is a nice place, really comfortable, clean, spacious, pleasant. It’s that while I like his daughter, I feel that well……. frankly…….she’s on drugs and while it’s nothing too harsh, mostly kratom and pot and scripts. Honestly, I just don’t want to be there if she ever OD’s.

There are obviously other factors involved too, but I’m not going to go into it. That’s enough. Their relationship, how she navigates her life…none of my concern. I’m not going to make it my concern. No one wants that. I need to pull away from Brad anyway. I still want him in my life as a friend. Something he finds very insulting but it’s the reality of the situation. Right now I’m in a “I want nothing to do with men or love” stance and I’m actually quite happy with that. Quite happy indeed.

🥰🌈💋🙏🏽💖🌺❣️

Life in segments

It’s interesting where life puts you. Right now my life seems to be going in month long segments. Here is this opportunity. Here is this hurdle. Take it or pass it and then see what pops up next. Knowing these decisions can make huge ripples of changes for my little brood and myself. Just plugging along one day at a time.

I can’t see very far ahead. I’m waiting to hear back from Score to talk to a financial planner in person. While I appreciate Colt’s offer to go to Reddit for my issues and I don’t discount the good advice I may receive, I’m not into giving my financials over the internet for all to see. Plus it’s so deeply intertwined with my personal life that it’s hard not to connect those dots. It’s just more dirty laundry exposure than I need right now in my life.

My spiritual quest has ebbed a bit as far as being social with it; which is fine.

I have lots of eBay clients right now, which is a huge blessing. Before I pursued the colonic business I had wanted to open a brick and mortar location here in town for a consignment/eBay/shipping business. I was in negotiations with the owner of the property who wanted an exorbitant amount of money, which I was prepared to give but would do zero as far as remodeling her very antiquated and desperately needing refurnishing storefront.

I even offered to front and pay part of the costs if she would deduct the balance from the rent going forward. Bathroom upgrade, lighting, floor refinishing. The place smelled liked a musty old closet. She refused to accommodate me and the place sat dormant and vacant for another entire year.

Then a coffee shop took over and that failed, probably due to lack of parking. Now a home design place has taken it and is gutting it out completely; which it truly needed. I often drive past and wish she would have given me the chance. I could tell from the get-go she didn’t really like me on a personal level though, but it was also very apparent to me she didn’t know what she was doing.

You never know why life throws you curve balls. Instead I bought this house, which I love but now may lose or need to sell.

A store front would have been cool. I used to have one a long time ago (a mom and pop shipping store) and I had regulars that were so sweet and kind and who I was so very fond of. It was the highlight of my days seeing them as well as meeting new people. I was able to turn that business, which was losing money when I had bought it, to profit in one year flat. I wasn’t drawing a salary, but the business was out of the red and supporting a part-time employee. It was on target to pay my own salary by the end of the next year, if not sooner. That to me was an amazing accomplishment.

But my ex at the time asked me to choose between my family or the business and I chose the wrong one. Lol. JK. I would have probably lost it had we divorced then anyway and I wouldn’t have my other two littles to show. So things happen for a reason. Who knows why exactly.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand this life. Like why this world is set up so idiotically. Why we have our values completely askew.

I have nothing positive to say today, I’m sorry. Not to say I’m unhappy. I’m neither feeling happy or unhappy right now truthfully. There is just no use wondering what the next day, week, month, moment will bring. Just trying to live in this one; heart wide open, come what may.

🌈🥰🦋🙏🏽🌊

The alien ship

I’ve never had an encounter with a UFO. My daughter potentially did. I have seen objects in the sky flying in patterns I don’t recognize as airplanes, but I don’t know enough about military surveillance and aircrafts to rule them out. So I pay it no mind really. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to have these encounters.

Ten years ago when I was having those mass episodes of pain and I was on those heavy doses of pot I had a clear vision that God was closer connected to another alien species than ourselves. And I thought they would be coming to get me. I knew even then how ridiculous it sounded but then I was thinking last night about it again. If I could have anything in the world; towards my investigation of heaven and hell; what would it be?”.

I would say with absolutely no doubt at all. “I want to meet the aliens; the enlightened ones.”

Is this a possibility? No idea. I’m a huge conspiracy theorist and also a huge optimist. I once got in a heated argument with Brad because he was shooting down one of my ideas and I said “so your conspiracies are perfectly acceptable to believe but not mine?” and it stopped him in his tracks and he laughed and acknowledged that that’s exactly what he was doing.

I know there are many alien beings out there. Whether they want to toy with us idiots is another story all together. I don’t see the inherent benefit to them engaging with us war-mongering, backwards, selfish being, but who knows. I like to think there is a possibility of it. It makes me kind of happy to think about this being possible.

Then another part of me wants to buy an old school fax machine and a ham radio and see what I can learn from fellow conspirators. Slippery slope though, lots of rabbit holes. Maybe I’ll just stick to spirituality. Can’t go wrong with wherever my heart leads me really. Can I? No. Not spiritually and while I recognize that I need to also concern myself with tangible reality and subsistence, I’m so much less concerned about that then I used to be; so much less scared about it.

This existence will go in the blip of the eye. How I do things, how I hold my heart, how I navigate this world through the lens of my soul is so much more important to me now. There just isn’t going back to caring about some things. Things I know so clearly now aren’t really worthwhile. You know? I’m happier now. I’m more peaceful within myself. That is priceless. Absolutely priceless. Alien ships or not. 🤣

Only time I was fired

So I’ve been fired once and that was enough. I went home and cried. Which I know is probably the norm, except I knew it was coming because I was trying to get fired. Lol. It just caught me by surprise is all and it devastated me a bit. “Like wow, this is what it feels like, this sucks.” Which is a strange stance; I get.

So the reason I wanted to be fired is that they hired me as a secretary. These two men from India had this company that made non OEM car parts. Supposedly. Although I never saw more than one tiny box of car parts in the huge warehouse and no other employees except the skeleton crew in the office.

The VP/HR manager seemed a really schmoozy older rich white guy from Newport Beach. The younger customer service guy was weird, but friendly. The phone barely rang. One day soon into my job they tell me I need to organize the shipment and release of goods at the ports for items to go through customs and such. Ok, I think to myself. Sounds complicated but I’m up for it. Plus I was bored out of my mind already with literally nothing to do.

Turns out it was hard and I had little training beyond “get it through”. I would call one person to then talk to ten more officials. It was comical but fun in a weird way. Like a game of where’s Waldo? Who did I really need to talk to here? Finally I got to a guy and he says in the most genuine way I could imagine “you know, yes these chemicals your company wants sent to India in huge giant container fulls can be potentially used for car parts, but it can also be used for artillery and weapons of warfare”.

It shook me to my very core. From that day in I never lifted the phone again. A week later they canned me. I guess the whole thing really freaked me out. I talked to my boyfriend about it at the time and I think I told my grandparents too. I should have called the FBI, but I figured they wouldn’t believe what some “dumb young girl” would tell them. You learn people think of you that way and that’s how you react in the world; I guess.

If it happened now I would have called that very first day I heard that man tell me that, with all the other suspicions that surrounded it as well. I was dumber then but I guess everyone else was as well. It wasn’t something on people’s mind. Who even knows we create those chemicals that we don’t want exported because of that.

Mind you, I can’t even say if any of the above was true. What if the man on the phone lied? What if they were a legitimate company. Who knows. I just follow my Spidey senses and they told me “get the fuck out” and so I did.

It shouldn’t count when employers ask if you’ve been fired but ever honest me can’t say no because it would be a lie now wouldn’t it? Lol. I gotta roll my eyes at myself even sometimes.🙄🙄🙄