I never wanted to be a cop

I’ve known cops, even dated one. Even though it was instilled in me from a very young age to fear the police. Now, as a rational adult, I try to approach each one like I do everyone else, with an open mind and individually based on who they are and how they treat me, but I don’t envy them the position they are in right now in this country.

The bad ones are being put on the stake. The good ones are sharing blame for the bad ones and for the systematic issues they didn’t personally create. The anger and disrespect towards them seems to be boiling over.

Like their job wasn’t hard enough already. They are held to high standards and expected to deal with situations that anyone would be hard pressed to endure gracefully. And all while ensuring everyone is happy; the vigilantes, the boss, government officials, co-workers, citizens.

Then they have their own personal life issues to deal with. The stress and pressure must be so intense right now. You really couldn’t pay me enough money to be a cop.

That said….. I had considered volunteering with the neighboring fire department. They needed volunteers to help with emotional distress situations like fire victims. But that’s another story.

I like to talk about over-corrections a lot. I truly believe in the theory of the pendulum swing and resetting in society. But this feels more like a reckoning and I feel sorry for everyone swept up in it. No matter how justified it may be, it can’t be easy.

But I think if we work together and really try to come to acceptable terms and make changes where they are gravely needed then maybe we can get to a much better place.

It’s sad that the police are being taken to task for racist, classist and cruel systems that this entire nation consciously or subconsciously supports. It’s a good place to start I suppose, and it did have to begin somewhere but it’s just one facet of the whole and they can’t be expected to fix all of societies issues themselves.

While police forces could do much better and have systems in place that aren’t against their own citizenry, like over-militarization, overuse of force, qualified immunity and unions this just seems too much for them to take on at a ground level.

I try to see things from all sides. I really do. It’s a difficult situation we are trying to grow and learn from as a country.

All I can say is God bless us all❣️

Own it

I want to own it.

I want to own everything.

It may not all be that desirable (by societal standards), but this is me and if anyone should appreciate me in all my nuances…. it should be me.


I’m a bit of a chunk right now. But I see other women who are fat, plump, curvy, whatever you want to call it and I never disparage them. I can see their humanity, their beauty and character and I can see beyond what is deemed acceptable.

So why am I holding myself to those same standards, which I don’t truly believe in?

I get that instinctually men are attracted to hourglass figures and other physical attributes that are seen as depictions of health to ensure offspring survival.

I also get that their ego drives them to want someone that will raise their status.


My offspring days are done and I can’t compete with 20 year olds nor should I be expected to, nor do I want to.


In an ideal world I want to get married again and have a lifelong partner.

I’ve had a lot of fun since being divorced these last 4 years. I have played a lot and experienced things I never even dreamed of, sexually and also spiritually.

And I feel I’m ready for something real and powerful. I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it all out there. At least I think I’m ready.

I see these women that own their body “flaws”, like Lizzo and I think absolutely yes, go girl. I am awed by their self esteem. And then I see them lose weight, like Rebel Wilson. Which is their prerogative and I can’t fault them for trying to be healthier and look and feel better. But it adds to the mixed messages.

Truthfully, I’m just not feeling super sexy right now. So….. I hid my dating profile. That lasted all of 14 hours. Probably would have been less if I hadn’t slept through most of that. I was going to have to buy the app to see who liked me and it didn’t seem worth it.

I want to start hitting the gym. I need to get some decent pictures of myself. Then I’ll revisit it.

But even more importantly I need to work on owning it. Owning myself and loving and enjoying myself with all my many flaws and beauty.


Yes I do


Wind, fire and tumultuous Mother Nature

The sky was brown tonight from the local brushfires burning. It looked and smelled like smoke. The high, heavy winds were howling all afternoon. I tried to open the windows several times but the smell was too strong.

So I started watching Twilight again. I was well into the second movie when I heard a small explosion and the lights went out. They flickered back on a second later and then another explosion and they went off again. The explosions were loud and seemed to come from outside but the house did shake a bit, which added to my confusion.

The police and fire department are outside now. Looks like this whole area is out, with several transformers blowing, not just this one, right next to my house.

So I can either sleep, masturbate and/or do THC. I don’t want to exhaust my phone. Which is not even close to fully charged. And the lantern I have isn’t powerful enough to read. I could go old school and journal.

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more bored than watching a movie I’ve seen enough times to be embarrassed about and on top of that have read all the books to. Lol

Don’t they say births spike 9 months after any extensive power outage? But I’m sure Covid will have to be added in to that mix. I don’t have the luxury of having anyone to cuddle with tonight. But I just signed up for a dating app earlier. I put up a crappy picture. I’m just not a selfie taker, but you gotta do what you gotta do. So I’m going to have get on top of this. No use half assing it. I’m really not sure dating during a pandemic is the way to go, but I’m lonely enough to try.

I guess the statistics seem to point to 50% of single people not doing any dating at all right now. Which makes sense really.

The wind is still howling. Hope nothing got damaged with the surge. Guess we will see tomorrow. I think I’ll call it a night.

Sweet dreams



I keep getting these visions from Chief Wimaneg that I need to go to Ohio, that I need to visit the burial grounds.

I have no other information to go on except that I need to be there.

The problem is if the spirit of Chief Wimaneg wants me to go to Ohio shouldn’t he sponsor me?

So chief….. you send the money and I’ll go. Not like I have too much going on. A weekend jaunt would work for me, even though I hate flying. Maybe a train ride, but definitely not the bus. I’m not sure I’m up for a long solo road trip like that and the wear and tear on my car.

I guess I’ll leave it open. Chief, ball
is in your court. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

This makes a little more sense if you know about the chief and I. but not much more really. πŸ¦‰

Forgiveness is selfishness


Ok. No but kind of. It can be. If you want to see it that way.

To forgive someone, takes all that anger, frustration, resentment, pain and discomfort away. So that you either don’t think about it anymore (best case scenario) or when you do think about it it just doesn’t bother you at all (worse case?).

And that releases so much tension in the body. Tension we don’t even realize we are carrying most of the time. And it feels so liberating. It feels so good. It can be such a weight off ones shoulders (and soul).

So is it not selfish then to truly forgive someone, in order to let that all go and feel good within yourself.

Here’s why I’m not racist

Because any time I’ve tried to put someone or something in a box I always find an exception, exclusion or something completely unexpected. I mean I can hardly keep up with myself sometimes.

We are all more brilliant and more flawed than we will ever come to understand in this life. Our humanity grounds this fact for everyone.

So I don’t try to assume who people are. I try to figure each person out individually. I find that not only much more enjoyable but a much more peaceful way to live.

My biggest conspiracy

Irs almost like they want us to believe that we aren’t meant to feel good in this life; about anything.

And so many people seem to buy into that.

Can’t feel good about yourself

Can’t feel good about your ideas

The money in your pocketbook

The people you love

Where you live

How you live

Everyone seems to have something to say about it

From the news, to strangers and let’s not forget the neighbors

To family, friends and especially our frenemies


It absolutely doesn’t and shouldn’t be this way.

Out natural state of being is happy.

And to be truly, deeply, authentically happy we have to be genuine about who we are and we have to meet people where they are and find love for everyone there.

Which I know can be really, really hard, if not almost impossible.

So nevermind. Forget I said anything. Go about your business. Nothing to see here.

Meet Mother Nature

I could go on a long diatribe about how nerds are winning the battle. But why bother? That is a stupid war no one was ever going to really “win” to begin with. It’s merely switching power from one idiotic stance to another; all rooted in selfish posturing and greed.

Maybe this is just instinctual animalistic propensity for dominance and “survival”.

But mother nature will have the last laugh here unless we can all come together to rights all these damn wrongs and become a world that shares and cares about all beings and mother nature herself.

But then again….

The idiocy of human nature playing with God (Hadron collider) and creating nuclear, chemical, psychological weaponry and warfare.

Who knows how this world will end? No one knows how each life will end. I wouldn’t want to know anyway, even if I could.

I like thinking about it all. I like the wonder. I like the mystery.

We don’t have to know and control everything.

That’s not a battle we humans will ever win.

But I can’t stop humanity from trying. Can I?

Nope. I sure can’t.

I guess that’s especially true since I’m still myself learning and striving to live life in complete acceptance, compassion and freedom from fear.