Porn Girl

Brad and I got a room with a view. I’ll side-step a minute to tell you how it happened. So yesterday as he laid on my bed and I sat on my computer reviewing accommodations in Lincoln City he calls the casino for a room. They tell them it is sold out, which I can see also shows online. So I give him several other options and a few minutes later he looks at me very seriously and says.

“They just had a cancellation. I am calling them again to book it.” I look at him cynically but don’t say a word. He proceeds to call and says to the reservationist. “I know you just had a cancellation for tonight, can I please book it?” The man doesn’t confirm a cancellation but says “yes, we have one with an ocean view left”. My jaw dropped.

We had morning sex with the windows open even though there was a walking path right beside them. Truthfully anyone not specifically looking right into our windows as they walked by would not be able to see us even though had it been dark with the lights on anyone from clear to the beach could have seen us. It added to the fun even though I doubt anyone did see us.

We stopped by this creek on the way home and he took the opportunity to do a little exhibitionism. Maybe one day we can go to a nudist resort. I think that would be so much fun. I’d love to see that lifestyle first hand.

Here are some pictures of him. I was absolutely not about to get naked in the rain and dip into the freezing water. But doesn’t he look so happy?

My new toy Brad bought me is here and it’s time to test it out. It’s got to charge first. I’m so excited. I’ll let you know. He bought it after my bullet mysteriously disappeared and I kept getting frustrated from not being able to orgasm. Wherever you went……”thank you”. Lol 💋

I remember one time my mom moved us to Rancho Cucamonga. At that time there were more cows than people there and the wind if it moved at all blew stale, hot, manure smell at you. To say I hated it was probably an accurate statement. One day my boyfriend and his friends were headed on a drive and he invited me along. I was ever willing to get out of Dodge.

We ended up at Newport Beach on a day that was not particularly sunny or warm. I didn’t care though. I had not brought a bathing suit either but I also didn’t care. I went out up to my thighs in my skirt with only the surfers; willing to be subjected to the frigid water. It was so great just splashing away in the water. The boys all sat on the shore watching me joyously playing. The surfers with little to do, as the waves weren’t all that present, also watched me.

Usually my self consciousness would have me leery of so many eyes on me, but they seemed to be enjoying watching me as much as I was enjoying being in the water and in that moment it added to my pleasure instead of detracting from it.

Today I had no audience as I walked along the beach in the pouring rain. One woman sat outside her room for a bit. One man flew his kite, which I didn’t know you could fly in the rain. And otherwise it was just me and the rain and the waves. My toes were so frozen when I got back I had to put them in the sink under hot water for 5 minutes.

Worth it. Worth every minute of it.

I was thinking yesterday how the roots of trees grow into each other and become a communal shared system of resources and strength. I was thinking how we each have this linkage with those closest to us, those we share our time, energy and resources with. With those with which we share our lives; either by choice or happenstance.

Do these links strengthen or deplete us? Do they cause us happiness or grief? Pleasure or torture? I was looking at a row of tall tree shrubs, manicured and pruned into a line to form a perfect fence. Except that one of them was dead and I was puzzled as to how that occurred. Did that tree get ousted? Did that tree kill itself or get killed? Do plants kill themselves? It all begets many more questions than it answers really.

I was watching a trailer of a movie about plants. Basically saying that plants are more complex than animals and have feelings and communicate and respond to their environment and evolve much faster than most organisms on this planet. Intriguing.

——–

I’ve often found that if I wait long enough exactly what I want comes into fruition in exactly the way I need. Like when I need something and I opt not to buy it retail because it isn’t a true necessity and can wait and low and behold I’ll happen upon it at a more than reasonable price at a thrift store or garage sale or something very similar.

I wonder since I’ve only ever seen this happen with goods if this can transcend to experiences and people. I was looking at how the men that have appeared in my life since being divorced have been. I could have “settled” for any of them and maybe been perfectly happy, but they truthfully…deep in my heart couldn’t give me everything I wanted. So I opted to keep waiting and keep working on myself. And as I kept working on myself and waiting I noticed that with each opportunity I saw improvements.

What I wanted was getting closer and closer. I suppose there may be a tipping point or maybe a time when I may walk away from a situation that would have made me extremely happy but because of fear or waiting for something even better it escaped me. I don’t know that I’ve hit that marker yet though. But sometimes in life we become so oblivious to our own baggage it’s hard to see things clearly and make the right choices.

This is just part of our journey as well. But I’m hoping ultimately this path brings me what I have been dreaming of……….

I wonder though…….will I know it when it comes? Will it be one of those overwhelming feelings of just knowing beyond a shadow of doubt or will it need to be pounded and proven to me? I rarely have the answers when it comes to love, but fortunately I still find it all worthwhile.

I know what I want

I know what I need

I know what I’ve waited for my entire life

The only thing that I’ve wanted more than anything else

Connection

Depth of emotion unlike any other

And that requires your absolute everything

And I don’t care at what cost

Like a baby doesn’t care about the years of blood that led to it’s final arrival

The months of sacrifices and burden placed on the person surrounding it’s womb

It doesn’t care that it’s caretaker hasn’t slept in 3 days, showered in a week or eaten a warm meal for over a month.

And to try explaining that to it would be rather asinine

Logic and words fail in this scenario as it does also in mine

I know what I need

and…….

………….

I need you to bleed

I float

My heart so full of joy

My soul so light

My mind so free

With only love in my eyes

The world soft

The breath sweet

It all radiates beauty and brilliance

Magical mystery around every corner

Overwhelming moments of splendor

A masterful calmness engulfs

A sphere of energy protects

And illuminates

And carries me into a depth of feeling

So raw and real

That tears stream

And it’s so magnificent

I can’t help but know and understand the significance of it all

And feel an immense gratefulness at just being allowed to see it

Experience it

Be a part of it

——–

And then the car door slams

The kid screams my name

The fence isn’t latching

The grass needs mowing

We just ran out of orange juice

And I paid my credit card bill late

And I can’t seem to figure out how to bring it back

How to make it stay

How to manifest it as a reality

And I wonder if I’ll ever get there….

But I suppose that this too is good

As I kiss a boo-boo okay

And wonder what tomorrow will bring

Brad is taking me to the coast. I’m excited. I know we are going to build a bonfire on the beach and stay at the casino. He insists, because they can take the dogs. Where I suggested an Airbnb and was immediately shot down. Oh well. I’m assuming he will let me gamble under his supervision and with a predetermined allotment. Otherwise he is just being cruel and that isn’t really in him.

I am letting him take care of the details not just because he is paying but because he is much more finicky than I am and I would prefer not to hear him complain and know I had any culpability. If I have to hear him complain, which I’m sure I will, it will be due to his own choices. A much better scenario for me, not that I enjoy hearing it either way.

Obviously we’ll have hotel sex. I used to think of hotel sex as some of the most fun a couple could have but that stance has changed since the introduction of BDSM. Although our first dalliance together was indeed in a seedy motel and hot as fuck. Still gives me chills how much I wanted the boi, how much chemistry we had between us and how completely feral that experience was.

But as you all know as of late I’ve been really trying to center myself more and focus on my spiritual well being. And while I am a go with the flow person. I can’t help wonder what the rest of the trip will look like. I was thinking I would take a super slutty outfit and doll myself up and parade around the casino picking up all the gawks; lewd drooling, judgemental stares, envious glances, shocked gaffaws. It’s fun to see the range of reactions in a setting that while you think would be more towards Vegas is actually more of a Golden Girls situation.

I find the thought fun and funny and I will have Brad to ensure no one gets the wrong idea and assumes I am a professional slut as opposed to just your usual garden variety. Lol. I wonder what kind of fun that will be? He eats it up when other men stare at me. I think it inflates his ego much more than it even touches mine. To me it’s like a social experiment more than anything. I like to look at the variables and analyze the outcome.

I was realizing yesterday that I’ve treated my life as more of a science experiment than anything. Questioning things I didn’t understand, seeking order to things, trying to change results by manipulating my own output.

Case in point. I have had these mannerisms that I’ve been aware and self conscious of since my 20’s. Things like placement of my hands and facial features that I’ve realized people align with mental retardation. The way my hand perches in front of my torso and my wrist flops down. The way my bottom jaw would jut out if I was concentrating. Subtle nuances of my behavior I strived to change to appear “normal” and be treated as such. Now this is stupid of course, but to me it was just a matter of changing the optics to achieve a better response from my environment. Science or marketing? It it all about evaluation and experimentation.

I realize I do that with almost everything. The default in my mind is “how does this work?”, “can I optimize this?” “how does my input affect the outcome?”. All in the sake of ease really. Ever the lazy gal I just want what makes life flow the easiest way possible.

But…..I also want to have fun. Ergo the insane willingness to try almost anything once. To be intrigued by people, experiences, and opportunities enough to want to see what happens in a situation, sometimes with little regard for my own safety. I want to see how things will develop. Where things will go. What the possibilities are.

It is my hyper-inquisitive nature. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. It’s just the way my brain works.

Now how to mix some soul searching into this getaway without having to disengage from Brad? Not that this isn’t an option. A morning beach meditation would be nice. Some beach yoga maybe. A long walk with the waves lapping at my feet. That all sounds perfectly ideal too.

I so love the ocean. I remember when I lived in Long Beach and when I felt completely overwhelmed by life I would get in my car and drive to Sunset Beach and sit there for hours staring at the sky, the waves, enjoying the warmth of the sand and the salty air misting me. I had a perfect vantage of most of Long Beach from there and I could feel like I separated myself from all my stress and problems. They were all there, in the distance where I left them and I was here, enjoying peace and quiet and nature. That would rejuvenate me and give me more comfort than most anything else would.

Well. Off to a marketing event for women and then a client. Dropping off some posters for my upcoming free talk on digestion. I also volunteered to talk to the middle school at career day later this month. The coordinator says to me, concerned, that she hopes I don’t get insulted if the children laugh at the subject matter. I assured her that I have grown adults laugh and have difficulties with talking about digestion so I expected it. This should be fun.

I want to tell them simple things no one ever told me. What the color, consistency, frequency of your poop should be. When to seek medical attention. How to know your transit time. How important your digestion is to your overall well being. How something as simple as washing their hands will save them from countless sick days and maladies.

Basic information about our own bodies. I’m willing to make myself into “the fool”. Absolutely worth it to me if I can help a single one of them have a healthier and happier life. Yep. Laugh away kiddos. I got ya.

Happy almost Friday everyone. Hope you have a splendid day.

🙂🙏🏽🌈💖💋

If you like dramedies this is a good one. It’s one of those laugh, cry, question your one mortality and morality; nicely acted, good scenery, great lines, good characters.

I really liked it. If you watch or have watched it feel free to chime in. I love to share in the experience. I absolutely love movies. It’s free on Amazon prime, not that I like endorsing them but there it is.