Us humans

I love this world

I look around and my heart can’t help but swell

At the beautiful beaches

The clear blue skies

The gorgeous clouds in the air

The green of bright trees

The chirping of birds in the sky

The majesty of so many animal kingdoms

The beauty of giant rocks

Heavenly valleys, mountains and formations

For the waters that flows, crash and sing so beautifully so powerfully nearby

This place on Earth and so many others are so very, truly breathtaking

But of all the things I’ve seen

None seem to me as beautiful as the souls

Of our very own human beings


(I guess I don’t want to live scared of them anymore

And yet here we all almost seem to be)


I personally really hate being scared

I hate feeling that way

I try to fight it with my entire human being

And then I give up the fight

As long as I can

And just let myself and the world be



I so sick of conspiracy theories. There is nothing I can do about most of these things. These global issues. Except this time I can stay home. I mean this is like a participation trophy on steroids and all for doing literally nothing. We will see how we all keep surviving.


I’ve been thinking a lot about incestuous sex. Maybe because it’s been the only sex I’ve been role-playing lately.

I also let myself watch porn a couple times recently. I caught a comment on one of the scenes. It said something to the effect of “how can anyone get enjoyment from watching this young woman with low self esteem getting used by this grown man?” It jarred me. It really did.

My sex life has been plentiful. I think it’s been rather tame, all things considered; as far as the possibilities to be had. Lol.

The power exchange of being Domme is truly mouthwatering delicious. The ecstacy of making love is unparalleled. I’m hoping tantric sex (should I hopefully get to have it) surpasses both.

But now I seem stuck in this loop I want to get out of. I’m sick of the damaged girl saga. I’m officially done. I’m really tired of it. What happened to me is in the past and I am not that confused, scared little girl anymore. My sex life doesn’t need to reflect what my psyche still (obviously) wants to heal. I don’t have to keep repeating the storyline and honestly I just don’t want to anymore. It’s time to let that all go.

How this will look going forward I haven’t a clue. But I know I need to reach that little girl inside; let her feel truly, deeply, wholesomely and unconditionally loved; worthy of so much more than just what her body can do for pleasure.

I don’t ever intend on going asexual. But I do intend on being much more mindful and purposeful in the sex I have. Where that will lead me I hope will be to a grand adventure.

I also realized tonight that I am still obsessed with obsession. I was rewatching Twilight tonight and the way the main characters are drawn so very deeply to each other is something I want and need to feel.

Where that comes from I don’t quite know. Perhaps that’s something I also need to look at one day. But not tonight.

This night I want to sleep a slumber of angelic, peaceful bliss.

Sweet dreams world.


Not alone

We are all in this uncomfortable and unusual situation together. I don’t know if that provides comfort to anyone, but it does to me.

In this I’ve decided a few things.

1) I am not going to be reading or watching the news. It is all far too depressing, confusing and stress inducing. If I need to know anything exceptionally important I’m sure someone will tell me. It’s hard enough keeping a good mood knowing you can’t go anywhere and that things may get worse before they get better.

2) I’m denying the loan modification. Especially since I’ve been officially laid off of my part time job and I am not taking clients for the next week, let alone knowing how things will go once this is all over.

3) I am going to take this time to really connect with my children and my inner self. I do have a lot of work to do still. I want to deep clean my equipment. I have to list my eBay clients things. I also have my own things to list. I want to organize my garage. The list is truly long of the things I can do during this time. So boredom is not really an option.

4) I’m not going to bother forecasting the future anymore. I’m going to instead work on making each day rich, enjoying what I can and truly being present, calm, centered, at peace with myself and the world. And let things come as they will. Dealing with things one single solitary moment at a time. When the future comes I’ll look at it then. In this very turbulent time it doesn’t help to try to figure out where it’s going, where I’m going and what’s going to happen. It helps to stay as bright and confident within myself as I can. That’s my gift to myself, my children and the world.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to spend my savings on gold bullions (they’re sold out anyways). Doesn’t mean I’m going to stockpile guns or plan a holiday for once this is over. It means I stay true to myself; my core beliefs. This is the time to search within; to find redemption, to find peace, to find myself, to find inner happiness.

It will all be ok. One way or another. Right now I have little to no control of the world outside me. But I have all control of the world within.

Be blessed. All of you and remember….. you are not alone.


Levels of stress

I got a call from Paul this morning. Walking me through my situation and his situation. It was pretty depressing. Until finally I got to the point where I stopped him and said “enough”. While I consider myself overall pragmatic, he is truly a numbers guy. He can look at something and ask all the right questions. Where I follow my gut and instinct, he goes with charts, figures and business acumen.

I love the boy. I’ve loved him since the first time I met him. I love him still. He is the Tasmanian devil, a whirlwind of fun. Or at lease he can be. Lately he is the voice of doom and gloom. It surprises me from him. He, like myself, had a very rough childhood. He is used to hard knocks, but based on today’s conversation I have to say he sounded a bit more frazzled than usual. I feel for him.

It made me realize that I have learned to handle a huge amount of distress and discomfort in life and still (usually) find peace within myself. I can see things falling apart around me and still sense a path of calmness, even if I can’t see it.

When I was young, very young, like 4 or 5 I would have dreams where a massive earthquake would hit and the building we lived in would get leveled and my parents killed. I would be the sole survivor standing in the rubble. I was always sad, so deeply sad, but also in that sadness I was always resolute. I knew I would go on. I didn’t know how, where or with who, but I knew I would. The dreams were very distressing. But in retrospect, they also helped me be who I am now.

The person that can handle very high levels of stress, knowing my limits, what I need to do for myself, and finding my own path within the confines I’m given. I guess going from house to house, town to town, school to school, family to family as a child taught me not only that every place is different. But that everyone has their own demands and expectations and as long as you can navigate within or find a way around that you can survive. And my childhood and life had always been about survival.

I have been hoping it would one day be about ease and thriving. About bringing out my innermost vulnerable self to play in the world. About letting that childlike innocence come out. But I’m pretty sure now isn’t that time.

It almost seems I was prepped for times like these. But then again, who’s to say what’s coming. At least, I can circumnavigate myself in my own head to a place of peace and comfort. But like I told Paul. I’ve had enough of this negative forecasting….. so next time he calls he has to speak to me of happy things. Enough lectures and postulating of future economical factors. We shall see when and if he calls again. But I can’t be the sounding board for people’s stress. I’ve never been good at that. Because in my mind it isn’t worth talking about.

You give it too much time, energy and credit in your life when you focus on it. You make it more than it is and needs to be. We all have difficulties. No life is perfectly serene. Put energy on the good things. Focus on what makes you happy. Be good to yourself and others. It always comes back to that. Simple. So simple. So very simple to be at peace. No reason to overthink things really. No reason at all.


I feel pretty good

These two days of sleeping in have been glorious. My light-headedness seems much better, but then again I haven’t tried doing much. Lol.

Today we clean the house. I am so excited!!

My liver panged a bit this morning before my coffee enema. Maybe I’ll do another one later today.

It occurred to me this morning to do something. So I put out a feeler in a Meetup group I have gone to (all of once). Lol. To see if anyone was interested in surrounding a hospital (standing 6 feet apart of course) and sending healing energy. No idea if it interests anyone besides me, but we shall see.

I do think that there is something to this anti-inflammatory thing Italy is warning about. Everytime I’ve taken CBD this last week or so I feel worse. That has never happened before. Of course I am ultra sensitive to my bodies responses and at first I truly couldn’t understand the strange reaction but I’m thinking it’s not just ibuprofen… it’s all anti-inflammatories. I don’t know the causation but I know enough for my own body to temporarily stay away from them.

Strange days indeed.

Stay safe!! Be kind to yourselves and others. Stay uplifted. Breath. Enjoy life as much as possible and don’t let the fear mongering get you down. Stay calm. Listen to your heart beating. Listen to the birds chirping. Watch the grass sway. No matter what happens. It will be alright.