Things I long to hear and say

I love you… unconditionally

I adore you passionately

With you life has so much meaning

I am so grateful to share this journey together

I am so grateful for your love and attention

Thank you for taking such great care of me: of my heart and soul

Thank you for nurturing my dreams

Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader

And the best nudger when I need to going

Your devotion, compassion, friendship, honesty and trust are priceless to me

You are my lover, my champion, my confidant, my everything

I will guard your being with my life

Your essence adds light to the darkness of this world

And I want to thank you deeply and truly for making my life so joyously happy and meaningful.

I value you beyond measure

—– ——- —— ——–

But since I have no one to say this to and no one I particularly care to hear this from right now….

I’ll ever so happily say this to myself.

Who loves ya baby? 😂😉💋

Sly smile / new adventures

A twisted little smile comes across my face when I think of all the things that have been my pleasure to enjoy sexually. And while the bucket list still has a lot of boxes unchecked, I’m not worried about it.

It’s really fun to think back on my varied escapades. Only my own lapse of memory can take them from me and this blog is a nice set of cliff notes to most of it the last few years.

Am I proud to be so sexual and adventurous? Can’t say that I am. But conversely I am absolutely not ashamed either. I embrace my sexuality as a need in this human life experience. One I hope to keep partaking of for the rest of it.


But…… for now I think I’m going to take a brief pause. Brief. To focus on other things: work, my spiritual practice and possibly starting up as a pro Domme (which will not involve sex).

Of these I’m most excited and scared about the spiritual endeavors. I have to really practice and work at this. I can’t keep letting these latent abilities reek havoc on me. I have to take control.

While I’ve been going through the motions quite convincingly lately I know I have not been giving it enough attention. And that stops now.

Then there is the pro Domme thing. Again! I don’t know. I am conflicted about it. One of the owners of Privata did tell me I could use them as a location to bring my clients to. That’s a thought. Cost about as much as a hotel but safer, for me. But from the research I did men seeking this service are submissive… the chances of harm are extremely low.

I mean I’ve played at this for years now and knowing both sides helps me understand the dynamic and needs of a submissive. Plus my ability to sense people’s emotions has always played a part of my sex life, and helps my Dominance greatly. And it would be great to make money at something I am good at and enjoy so very, very much.

But let’s see what the future holds. I can’t say I’ll actually do it. I have a lot of work to get done right now. I’m in the middle of two difficult situations with the loan mod and the autopsy.

And while I enjoy working on multiple projects at any one time and can multitask pretty easily, right now is the time to hunker down and get stuff done.

The gym opens up tomorrow to where I won’t need a reservation anymore and can go at my leisure. So that’s a plus. I only managed to get to the gym 3 days this month. But I went on a few hikes and had those sex fueled weekends with Brad. So exercise has been had.

I have a Groupon sourced boudoir shoot scheduled for next month. Super excited. And that will get me in the gym more consistently too.

And maybe after the photo shoot and some of the difficulties have been resolved and this heavy grief passes a bit I’ll try out Tinder. I mean why not? Right? But I’m in no rush.


Sure, if you were white…..

I’m so tired of the racial disparity being pointed out over and over. It’s existence reinforced on a daily basis. I’m sick of talking about micri-aggressions and outright bigotry. I’m so tired of seeing stories of systemic racism all over the world, and especially here.

I know that we are at an awakening phase. I know there is no going back to simpler times when it was accepted as how things simply were. Racism, sexism, even ageism and genderism are having a moment of reckoning.

This is a good thing. And it’s the only way to root out the issue from the ground level, where it needs to be exorcised: from people’s conscious and even more destructive subconscious.

Yes, I understand it. It all makes perfect sense. But it’s so disappointing to see. It’s so upsetting to see how much bigotry truly can affect ones entire life in profoundly negative ways.

Brad said to me a couple days ago, as we were watching old game shows from the 60’s and 70’s, something to the affect of “The US was such a perfect place 40 years ago.”. To which I simply responded “yea, if you were white.”. You could hear crickets chirping outside after my reply.

Why I have to explain to a grown ass white man anything about racism is truly unbelievable to me. It’s disheartening. It’s disturbing. I feel like I get my heart broken over and over at people who have no idea how hard life can be when you’re on the wrong side of this.

Sure, I’ve wished I was born a white, rich, educated, straight man, throw in good looking and life would be at it’s ideal as far as demographics….at least for life here.

But I wasn’t given that golden ticket. Was I? And maybe the day will come when technology can give us any skins we want to have. So we can choose exactly what we want to look like when we walk out the door. We can choose to be anything we could possibly desire. Half women, half mermaid. Done. Purple alligator man. Done. I mean why not?

But until then I’m stuck with what I got at birth. And while it was easy to escape even thinking too much about racism and my place at the bottom rung of most these divisions in California, that is simply not the case most places. That’s what I truly miss the most about California, feeling like I very naturally, simply belonged.

Now I obviously belong where I am because that’s where I am, irregardless of how others may feel about it. Fate ultimately decided.

But these growing pains are as hurtful to my psyche as they are to those being bitch slapped for their outright prejudices. And the fact that people are fighting so hard to defend their destructive words and stances is even more hurtful. But the vapid apologies to not be canceled out seem even worse.

I don’t have any answers here. I wish we didn’t have to be here. I really do.

But growing pains are just that….painful. For everyone!!!


Fantasy world of perfect love – Pro Domme revisited

I have this rich fantasy world in my head. In there I am lulled by the warmth of a love I have never felt in reality. The closest I’ve ever come is the unconditional love of the parent and child bond and even that pales to the luster of the love I’ve dreamt of my entire life.

Does it even exist?

I was thinking…..

It’s so easy to take the love you have in hand for granted. Especially when you are sure you are deserving of more. But the person showing up for you day in and day out deserves your attention, respect and consideration irregardless of what potential one has to attain better. Don’t they?

Truly, it isn’t until one leaves the comfort of the shore and ventures out into the rough waters of reality that one can truly gauge ones merit and strength.

And as long as one hops from shore to shore or stays in their safe harbor window shopping and hoping for more one can not give themselves fully over to who they are with let alone to something new. At least not unencumbered by guilt or without leaving a wake of pain behind one.

I have no idea how to make my fantasy a reality. So I’ll just keep these swirly, soft cumulus cloud dreams in my head and enjoy the feeling of it.


Contemplating revisiting being a pro Domme again. That’s as far as I’ve gotten with that. Just a passing thought for now. But I have to at least finish up with the eBay clients I have right now. Because I only have so much time and energy and my focus is not great either.

It’s a huge maybe. But it would definitely be fun. So let’s see what happens. Shall we?

Stupid delays – Only Fans

I called the autopsy company late Friday to get the ball rolling. She said she would email me immediately. I waited all weekend only for her to tell me just now to check my junk mail folder. Why do I always forget to check there? I had a couple other non junk mail things in there.

The few times I get check it I have nothing in there. When I forget to look at it, it gets filled with important items. Murphy’s Law I suppose.


I was reading the story of a 40 year old suburban wife who’s kids were almost kicked out of school because she had an only fans account. Her husband takes her photos and she makes $150k a month on it.

She was angered it was backlashing on her kids but not enough to consider stopping. Which who could blame. If I made that in a year I’d be so happy. Lol

I want to check out the app. But I can’t seem to get it on my phone so go figure that one. But it is intriguing. I’m definitely not opposed to something like that. But once again I’d be competing with girls half my age and less.

Brad said to me that he tried to find women with my body type on porn while we were broken up. Another guy I went on a date with told me I could make so much money doing porn.

Who knows? Right now is confusing enough as it is. I’m just trying to get through this rough patch. But….never say never I guess.


Missing my mom / bumping into the ex

I’ll still reach out to text my mom or call her about something and then it strikes me. Today on the way to Trader Joe’s I started tearing up. I was almost to the parking lot when I thought I’d have to let myself cry before getting out of my car.

It passed quickly and as I stood in line outside waiting to get in I saw a cloud with a rainbow around it. It was so beautiful. On closer inspection I realized it wasn’t a cloud it was a perfect circle made out of a cloud. It looked like a halo, especially because of the rainbow surrounding it.

I wish I had taken a picture. But then I thought of my mom again and a sense of peace and calm swept over me and I realized she’s ok. I deeply felt that she is ok now.


Then I had to pretend to not have seen my ex-husband with his girlfriend in the store. He was buying groceries while she worked. We were less than 15 feet apart. I tried not to stare. They thankfully didn’t acknowledge me either. Then he texts me later in the day to tell me he is taking a trip to California this week to visit her family.

Out of curiosity I asked if he was proposing. He said not yet. Can’t say I care. She has two small children of her own, 1 & 2 years old. She’s also about 20 years younger than him. I wish him luck.

Statistically speaking his odds aren’t great. But I’m just glad he isn’t hassling me for sex anymore. They met at work. He had to move stores when he started dating her and they sent him clear into Portland. That did give me a laugh.

I’m comfortable with the fact that she won’t want to mother my children. Especially since she’s only met them once briefly. She’s pretty though and has that meek, bunny in the headlights, “save me” way about her that men are attracted to. And that is about all the caring I have in me about that whole situation.

I just didn’t want to suffer the awkwardness of meeting her. I don’t want to be friends. And it’s nothing against her. Just that as soon as I can cut this man out of my life I will and I don’t need to establish bonds with her. Honestly I doubt she’ll be around for long. I just don’t think he’s even worthy of a used stick of gum. But…. what do I care?

I slept well finally

After a week of having to adjust to mother nature’s wrath I was so glad to sleep in my own warm bed. Some of my neighbors, not even two blocks away don’t have power yet.

I took a heavy dose of THC and slept like a drunk baby. Woke up feeling very refreshed. Now I have to stock the fridge, wash a mound of dishes and I’d like to get to the gym.

The cats were so happy to see us. The finicky little beauty laid in my lap for hours last night purring away.

But…..looks like the teenager is moving out today. She gave fair warning. It is what it is. I love her, will support her however I can and wish her well. I can’t imagine her living with him in his tiny studio apartment will go all that well, but he says he will try to stay with his girlfriend as much as possible.

She knows this isn’t a revolving door situation. But I’m okay with it. She wanted unlimited freedom to do as she pleases with no one to check in with. Let’s see how that goes. Maybe it will be great for her. She is after all going to college later this year. She’d be on her own there.

Now that she won’t be here lying to me and giving me stink eye all day, every day, battling me over every little thing I can see her as my prescious little girl more clearly. I have never meant her any harm by my expectations and rules. Maybe one day she will see that.

I had all these great thoughts last night (to my mind) that I was going to write down first thing this morning and of course I can’t remember a single one of them. Lol

It’s a beautiful day. A sunny, cold winter day surrounds me. Supposed to rain every day this week.

Moment by moment. Exhale. Inhale. Breath in peace of mind. Breath out tension. Trying to look at the world through the filter of my heart. Wish I had someone here to guard it for me. Such is not my fate it seems. So it’s up to me I guess but I’m not in defense mode right now.

I’m just trying to surrender to the mystery of what is.


Meanwhile in Texas. Cruz tried to leave the state, but people stepped up to help each other. Which is a true testament to the spirit of love and compassion.

I’m not broken – empath vs borderline personality

I’ve seen a lot of articles and talk recently about how empaths are really just people with borderline personality issues. I’m not going to try to refute this from a scientific perspective. I’m going to admit that looking at the profiles there is a lot of crossover.

But what I have to say to all these stupid labels we love to use here is that I am not broken. I am living out this human experience as best I can given all the circumstances and how the world functions. If anything the world is broken and I have adapted as best I could to the very shitty state of affairs that is the human condition.

I remember this surgeon I was dating a few years ago said to me that I reminded him of his mother, who has a borderline personality, and that he was worried I’d suffer her same fate. She was a beautiful, happy, light in the world until it crushed her and left her bitter, shattered, defeated and beaten. I actually completely understood what he was getting at.

And while that may indeed end up my fate in life it isn’t something I know how to change. I like who I am. I haven’t particularly enjoyed my position in life, the cards I’ve been dealt and the obstacles I’ve had to live through. But to put it back on me like there is a problem with me and not the world is such a victim hating mentality. Not that it surprises me at all really. I’m just pointing out the idiocy of it.

I refuse to take on the labels, any of them. Am I so unique that I don’t fall into any simplistic list within a biased analysis of human defaults? No. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I don’t care. It is what it is. I am who I am. There are reasons for all of this, beyond the stupidies we like to judge ourselves by and box each other into.

Would that I could I would change the world. But I can only, and with difficulties enough already, change myself and grow to truly become happy, comfortable and content within myself in this realm. That’s the control I’ve been given. And I choose to exercise that to my own criteria, not based on some psychoanalytic dribble about my negative attributes.

I know why I am who I am. I’ve accepted the path I’ve been given. I’ve come to terms with the damage that’s been caused. I’ve come to understand my own role in all of it. And I can say with complete certainty that I’m not broken. It’s life that’s broken. It’s this world that is broken. And I can find serenity in that. I didn’t cause all of this. All of this caused me.

And that’s all there is to it.

Souls living a human experience

I get that it’s easy to isolate oneself in life. It’s easy to shelter oneself from the things one doesn’t want to see and experience, when one can, when one has the luxury of doing so.

I understand that it’s great to surround oneself with people just like oneself, in whatever fashion brings one the most joy. Whether that be people that look like one, act like one, think like one, have as much money as one, have the same education one has, background, hobbies, passions, drives, career, or whatever.

I really do know the joy in that.


this is a big giant world full of all kinds of people and segregating ourselves based on any criteria by sharing our lives only with the people we deem appropriate and only staying inside our little comfortable circles not only narrows our understanding of the world, it leaves us without empathy for others.

This is what gives us the sense that we don’t need to get involved in anything that doesn’t affect us directly. This is what gives us the out we so desperately want. And I totally get it. I really do.

There is so much negativity and harm and danger and horrible things to see in this world and know about that we are overwhelmed by it all.

But I truly believe that until we have a mindset of truly all being in this together….until we are all really trying to make this world better for everyone the depth of satisfaction we can achieve in this life as souls having human experiences will evade us.

We are soul creatures tied together by the same mother soul. One. All. Everything. Everyone. Every time. Every place. And until we let that sink in and live our daily lives that way nothing will truly get better.

So in that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, to our individual souls, to God, to the Divine all to bridge the gap between the singular selfish being we can choose to be and the loving soul centered being we all have the capacity to be.

It’s not an easy choice and it is one we are faced with over and over, every single day. Which makes it so hard to stay the course and makes it even harder to find our way back when we have strayed too far. I truly get how hard it is.

But the hardest things in life tend to bring the most joy when we look back on them. Don’t they?

Well….. something to think about, at least.

Power is back – update

We have power back but no Wi-Fi, so no TV. I will need to clean and restock the fridge. But I’m thrilled. I’m sick of eating out. Which is why when I travel I always prefer to get an Airbnb. I like cooking and I like eating healthy and having control over the food I eat.

Yesterday we ordered ihop and for some reason the steak and eggs breakfast was sweet. As if they added maple syrup to the steak. It was kind of gross but I ate it. I’m generally not a huge sweet and savory mixed together person. I’m a strict no pineapple on my pizza gal.


Brad and I also got in a huge fight two nights ago. He actually left the hotel and went back to his cold, dark house for the night. Then came back the next day when his house dipped to 35 and he found himself bored and cold. Plus he’s on a well so he didn’t even have water. He doesn’t have power yet. So he’s going to keep staying at the hotel.

I like it here but I’m ready to go home and resume normal life. I have so much work to do. Plus Brad’s back is acting up again. I am sure having sex is making his back worse. And I hate feeling like his pain is a direct cause of me.


I got word from my lawyer that my mother’s old boyfriend will let me perform the autopsy under 3 conditions. 1) I pay for it. 2) He get a copy of the report. 3) I pay for the storage that the mortuary is charging him for her stay so far.

It makes zero sense to me. If he was forbidding me from doing the autopsy to the point I needed to hire a lawyer and go to court then why does he want a copy? Plus it is absolutely his fault that there are storage fees as I have asked for this from the very beginning and he has been the one stalling it. So we are going to court because I refuse all but the first term.

I told my lawyer that if he wants a copy of the report he can help pay for the autopsy. Otherwise he gets nothing from me. Just like he hasn’t given me a copy of her will and trust.

I can’t believe this man. I can’t believe his actions. But he has to account for the judgement of his own soul. That’s not for me to decide.

All I know is that none of this makes any sense to me. So I’m not going to worry about it. Just going to keep plugging along. If the only closure I’m going to get from my mom’s sudden death is just knowing why she died from exactly then that’s all the closure I get. And I have to be ok with that, like it or not. 😔