Love songs

Doesn’t help listening to love songs.

Not sure what I’m aiming for here doing that.

I was told recently by a man “don’t settle”. He said it to me so genuinely and almost supplicating me to listen to him. It was touching.

Brad would always say he wasn’t good enough for me; way too many times and very painful to hear.

It’s fine. It’s all fine.

If I could just accept that maybe it isn’t meant to be in this lifetime.

What I want, what I seek…. is a love truly beyond time and space. It’s a love that maybe there is a chance I may not see and live out this time around. The possibility exists. Just because I know it to be available doesn’t mean I get to have it; much like Nirvana.

Although Nirvana is something I think because it is singular, within ourselves, is something more plausible even.

But what do I know? I sometimes feel like I live in a world that most people don’t seem to live in. Lol πŸ’‹

Who am I kidding?

I mean really, is anyone fooled?

There are three things I want in life.

1) to be close to, in alignment with and feel the depths of divinity within my soul.

2) stability and health for myself and my girls

3) a love like no other

Yet these things seem always so fleeting, impermanent and complicated

And I move from desperately wanting one to the others at any given moment in time.

But yet I also know when it comes down to it all I really truly want is tranquility, peace of mind and happiness within myself. And I don’t need any of the 3 above to have this.

This is the battle I have within myself. There are many wars waging in life. Wars outside of myself. Wars that I am part of through no desire or choice, it seems. So I try to concentrate on the wars I can actually win.

But I’m feeling mixed up in the middle of a huge conundrum right now with no clarity yet.

What I know is that I miss being touched. I miss being loved. I miss loving and touching. There is this desperate longing I wish I could satiate. But I must not have met that person yet because no one is here……..πŸ’”πŸ˜£πŸ˜’

No more alcohol, apprenticing, more friends

I really don’t know when it’s gonna get into my thick head that I can’t drink anymore.

I wish I could be a casual drinker. I wish I could be a social drinker. It’s not that I am not capable, as far as moderation. It’s that I have no tolerance for it anymore; not even a little.

My body absolutely rejects it. I came home with a massive headache last night, slept 16 hours straight, woke up with my eyes puffy and sore and with liver pain. If I don’t believe that’s my body putting it’s foot down then I really need to stop saying I have a good mind/body connection. I’m just so sensitive to any kind of chemical reaction in my body and instead of building a tolerance to alcohol it’s like I developed a severe allergy to it instead.

And so I just have to once and for all accept it. It’s sad, because it’s fun to drink. It’s a nice way to be social. It brings out parts of me I enjoy; fun, brash, bordering obnoxious me. She’s a hoot. I really like her, but without alcohol she stays pretty obscure, sadly.

I need to find an herb that I can take to mimic the effects of alcohol. Pot is almost the polar opposite of drinking to me. It makes me very introspective and pensive. Definitely not party time, but rather a very mellow and usually tranquil place.

———

I went to dinner last night with a wonderful friend and client and former naturopath who now does very specialized energy work. I am fascinated by her. She is such a ball of energy and light spirit and she has sufferred through things I would never wish on the devil itself. She has attracted sociopaths to her orbit much in the same way I attract pedophiles to mine.

She was talking about moving, and I told her the same thing I think about myself. “There is no where you can move to if you keep attracting these types of people, that you won’t keep doing so.”. She seems confident she’s ended her attraction but I hesitate to think so. Not because I don’t want to believe it. Not because I don’t think she is capable. Not because I’m trying to be pessimistic. But because she still currently has people in her orbit that are very much that way and I tend to think that once you truly stop attracting them they should fall away from your life; family or not.

But I’m not the poster child for how to get away from toxic people. If anything I have no clue at all about it and I’m still searching for my own healing on that same path.

Well anyway, I posited to her that I apprentice under her a few days a week. I think she could use the help and I could use the mentoring. We shall see. I left it in her court. I would be greatly humbled and grateful for the chance to learn from her. I truly think she has some amazing skills and gifts and I just love being around her bright spirit. But I know this is a big ask too. I hope she sees it as the win/win I do.

—–

I was thinking yesterday how I don’t have the time and energy to make too many new friends. I really can barely keep up with the few I have now and the few I am trying to nurture. Not that I don’t want the chance to make more. Not that I don’t enjoy meeting people in general, but I’ve already met some fascinating people in Portland over the last few years and I really want to try and dig in to my life more, dig into these people and experiences more.

This is not really my norm, being such a very deeply introverted person. But it’s a goal, a good one I think. πŸ˜‰

I can’t tell you

how to live your life

I can only tell you how I live mine

And even as I go to bed with this headache

From having drunk 2.5 glasses of wine

I’m smiling

Happy

Grateful for it all

I can’t even explain why

Because so much of it has been hard

So much of it still makes me cry in pain

If I think too hard about it

But right now I’m going to rest

And try to float off into a tranquil sleep

You’ll know if my psyche has other plans for me

Lol

I’m just here for the ride

Hop along if you wish

πŸ’‹πŸ₯°πŸ’‹

Sprit of fun

I’m realizing that having fun, much like happiness is a mindset.

So in that spirit I’ve been thinking all day “what would add fun to this moment?” which is totally new to me and surprisingly easy.

Of course, my mind is not all that mysterious, and it’s gravitated to many, many things so far today, but one fun thing that came to mind was……

Clit Ring.

Supposedly, you need a two month down period after getting them put in before having sex. Which seems way too long and wasn’t really plausible recently. But…seeing as I seem to have no one on the horizon I now have that kind of time. This is all for my benefit and I’m actually really excited about it.

Wonder if I can get my mom to drive me? She probably won’t be at all surprised by the action or request.

I gotta laugh. I’m having fun.

πŸ€ͺπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‰πŸ’‹

I want to have fun

I woke up today with the mindset that I am done.

I am done struggling. I am done worrying. I am done stressing out over this life. I’m not fighting the tide anymore. I’m not out to prove anything to anyone, not even myself.

I want to be here, present for the beauty in life. I want to find the pleasure and fun in each moment.

Whatever that means. However that comes. So be it.

I’m not trying to lose myself to debauchery or denial. Rather I’m trying to find a way not to survive this life because let’s face it that’s not possible, but to enjoy it.

Yes, I’m caught in this worlds tumultuous battle of good and evil. For some reason I chose or was meant to be here. Whichever it is is no matter really. I have made my imprint. I exist. I’m done working so hard for it. I’m done suffering through it all. I’m done playing these stupid games by these stupid rules I never agreed to in the first place, to support a system that fails so many all over the world and even here in my own backyard.

I have my own moral compass and more importantly I have my heart and soul to guide me. I’m good with those. I trust them more than I trust most anything else. So I’m done putting credence onto anything else. I’m ready to see the beauty in life. I’m ready to let the misery go.

Not to say there won’t be drudgery and work along the way. But I’m going to make it my life’s mission to make every moment as fun as possible. To extract the most joy I can from whatever time I have left here.

I’m done participating in this war being waged. It was started before me and will be going on long after me. Whatever that means. However that plays out. I’m tired of trying to hold on to things that maybe weren’t meant to be held on to. I’m loosening my tight grip and letting myself float with the tide.

I’ll still do what I need to do. We all need to do something. I am not talking about giving up. I’m talking about no longer playing along to the march of the dying. No longer paying tribute to the fear mongering. No longer caring about all these stupid, superficial falsities that are supposed to mark success and happiness to standards I never agreed to or accept.

I don’t want to listen to the lies of what this life is suppose to be, of how I am supposed to live it. I’ve got this. Even if I’m wrong, I’m right. Because it’s my life and whatever it is I’m meant to do here I’m going to consider it officially done. I know who I am. That’s really more than good enough for me. This world may never stop being crazy but I’m done trying to keep up with it’s madness.

I just want to be open to the fun of it all. It’s there or rather here…all around us. I personally have just been to busy playing all these stupid games to remember it’s a game. It truly all is. So now I just want to enjoy it.

I’m ready to smile. My heart and soul are ready to come out and play.

Let’s do this.

Let the fun begin.

πŸ””πŸ€ͺπŸ˜‚πŸ’ͺ🏾πŸ₯°πŸ€—πŸ’–πŸ™πŸ½β£οΈπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

Quite not coincidentally my good friend Danica sent me this just a few minutes ago. Lol❣️

Letter to my 18 year old self

I was thinking today how 18 was a pivotal year for me. I made a key mistake in life. And that set the groundwork for a lot of further issues. But I didn’t know. I only have clarity now because I lived to see the consequences. But I was thinking if I could talk to that person I was then, what would I say and it felt important to write it down. Part of me felt that maybe it’s still important for me to hear it now. So here goes.

Dear young one,

You have not had it easy. You are not having it easy now. You have no one outside of your grandmother who really understands you, and even that is limited by her old fashioned ways and religious beliefs. But none the less take the time to enjoy that relationship, because once she is gone the world will be a much lonelier place for you.

Know that even though you have not been shown or taught this that what I am about to say to you is absolutely true.

You are worthy of everything you want in life and more. You are capable and strong, beautiful inside and out and you need to believe that deeply regardless of what society or anyone else says, thinks or dictates.

I wish I could say life will get easier but know that you are at a place where you can alter the course for yourself towards better and easier waters. If I can just give you 3 steps for your future, I think these alone will help you tremendously.

1) Because of the trauma and abuse you endured as a child, I know you realize yourself even at this age how that has affected your self esteem and your compulsive behavior: such as drinking, but it has affected you so much deeper than that.

Unfortunately, you will continue to make back choices with men, alcohol and life in general until you can get to a place of complete acceptance and forgiveness for your past and most especially for yourself. There are things you don’t yet understand about yourself, that are not exactly pleasant. You have a lot of anger, guilt, resentment and fear locked inside of you that needs to be released before you can make choices that will better serve your mind, body and spirit.

You will get there. This is a journey you must ultimately do for youself alone but there are lots of resources and people that can help you along the way. Stop being afraid to ask for help.

2) You are a very spiritual person. You always have been and will continue to be. Learn to meditate and practice yoga. Keep your exercise routine as it helps center you tremendously. Don’t ever let go of your yearning to grasp and understand what you believe and know in your soul to be true. You are not wrong. Follow and trust your instincts. Follow your heart always. It is when you don’t follow it that you will suffer the most.

You aren’t in a place where you have access to better eating yet, but as much as possible try to incorporate better foods. Just make the best choices you can when given a chance to. When in doubt eat more fruit. Eating whole foods, closer to their natural state, as direct from the ground as possible, unadulterated by man will help you feel much better. I know you know this already but it truly is vital not just for your day to day quality of life but your future health.

Overall, food wise because of the scarcity you are facing now you will make good choices, but you will get addicted to coffee. Don’t. Drink tea instead.

3) You are a nymphomaniac. Surprises no one. But listen to me closely. “You are worth more than what your body can do for a man.”. Your sexuality is going to be a pleasure for you the rest of your life. You will draw a lot of power from it. It will help you in many wonderful ways. But it is your body, for YOUR pleasure first and foremost. Learning how to please yourself and what arouses you is a wonderful lifelong journey.

And know you don’t need a man in your life to be happy and fulfilled. Do not let any man into your sphere that doesn’t value you for how special you are and treat you like a queen. But know that before someone values you and loves you the way you long so much to be loved you have to know what that feels and looks like by giving it to yourself first. You must fall in love with yourself. You must value yourself truly and completely. You must prove to yourself that you are worthy by holding that space of deep love for yourself first and never letting anyone devalue you.

Have courage. Go towards your passions in life full fledged. Keep your heart open, and follow your gut. There is only one you in the world. Let that light shine bright. You were meant to be exactly as you are, so let yourself be completely yourself. Be authentic, honest and true to yourself. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.

——

Well…. I could make her a full, accurate and detailed checklist of things to do and things to avoid. But I made the mistakes I made and they made me who I am and there is no going back.

So I am moving forward, this moment to the next.

I wonder if 30 years from now I made this same letter for this me now how different it would be. For some reason that saddens me. πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Enjoy your day!

πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹