Porn Girl

I’ve gone once. I was 18. My mother had taken me on a cruise ship from LA. And after the cruise dropped us off in Canada we went to Victoria and drove through B.C. to the airport. I was struck by how beautiful and clean it was. I also wanted to stop in the cafe and smoke pot but we didn’t have the opportunity.

I would love to go back, rent a hotel room walking distance to a bunch of cool stuff and be stoned from waking up to going to sleep. Go to cafe’s with other stoned people. Walk around the museum’s. Enjoy yummy foods. Doesn’t that sound fun?

A lot of people that go on vacation drink. Some start as soon as their eyes pop open and continue all day. Now to me that sounds excessive but it’s basically the same thing only a different drug of choice. One completely acceptable and one becoming more acceptable. Not sure if that change happened for purely capitalistic reasons, but I’ll take it.

I don’t normally… scratch that, I don’t ever do THC around people. So I can’t say how I’d be. But not working, it having no social stigma, and being free to be silly and leisurely sounds amazing to me. One day, I hope. Lol

💋🥰🤗

I can’t believe how many times that has been the case lately. I’ll give someone advice, whether it’s relationship, life, emotional, spiritual or just general tips and I’ll think back afterwards and realize I could use the same exact advice, given the same way, but from myself to myself; i.e. compassionate, honest advice especially when it comes to self love, following your passion, giving yourself grace, etc.

Some advice I gave today included:

If you’re going to indulge in something, let yourself truly enjoy it. Don’t feel guilty and bad about it**; not during or after. Everyone deserves a treat once in a while. Let yourself have joy.

Stop talking about yourself that way. You’re too hard on yourself. (You deserve your own love.)

Set boundaries, have expectations for how you deserve to be treated but also within that be a little softer so you can let people in.

The right man won’t make you feel like you’re crazy.

You built him up into this thing that probably doesn’t even exist. It isn’t probably real and yet now you hold everyone to those standards. What you need to do is focus on all the qualities you didn’t like about him and burn it all to the ground as if he never even existed.***

She had indulged in some shopping and said how lately it’s one of the few things bringing her joy. I said nothing. She asked me what I was thinking, so I answered honestly. I said “I know how you feel, but sometimes what we seek outside of ourselves we have to find on the inside.”

I realized after she left that I myself could use all this same advice. Although, I’ve been giving myself too many yummy treats lately. Lol

Auugghh…..I’m so tired. I can barely think straight. We decided on A Dog’s Journey for our movie tomorrow. Client, errands, kids birthday party and then our own pity party tomorrow. Monday I need to wake up early and do paperwork before work, then a client and hopefully finish up the paperwork to turn it in Tuesday. I’m hoping just under the wire.

I think I need to masturbate.

💤🥰🤗❣️💋😂

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*Actually the body releases oxytocin and prolactin, but you get the drift.

**Assuming of course it’s not something to feel bad about. In this case she was enjoying a treat.

***It may sound harsh but she idolizes him way to much and to her own detriment. She can’t move on and she is pretty miserable. This man refused to meet her reasonable expectations. The relationship is over. What use is it being so unhappy? She will still have the memories. But it’s in her best interest to let him go. She has to tear him down in her own mind to build herself back up. That’s the easiest way. Time heals….sure, sure. But sometimes you need to light the fire and watch it burn. I said it was harsh. Such is life sometimes.

Of course this is also the girl that spent seven years mourning another relationship. I understand this. I once mourned a coworker for a year after only one date. Of course still working with him didn’t help matters.

It sucks to miss someone. A death is a different story entirely of course but when one has to end a relationship you need to be able to cut that cord and move on with your life; for your own sake.

I’ve been thinking of sex a lot lately. Mostly how I’m not horny, but also about all the wild games I have been playing these last two years. To me it felt pretty tame, to my therapist it felt dangerous, to my mom (the little I told her) felt outrageous. It’s all perception, isn’t it?

Do I miss sex? Yes, absolutely. Am I on a hunt for it? Nope, not at all. In fact I’m planning on being abstinent for an undetermined amount of time, maybe all year. I wonder myself how long I can realistically go. I do crave being touched. I crave being desired. But I am passed wanting one night stands. It is fun thinking of all the crazy things I’ve done in my life though.

I remember one time this hot bartender who was floating me drinks at the Formosa took me on a motorcycle ride during his break. We ended up at a storage facility where we talked and made out. I was giving him a blowjob as a car pulled up and kept its headlights on us and I just kept going. No one ever got out of the car. We just left when he ran out of time. He gave me a bar t-shirt and his number. I never called. Lol

Some people would think this would make me feel slutty. It doesn’t. It makes me feel alive. It brings a smile to my face. That was so much fun!!

There are some non-fun times. We all have those. I am not trying to bring those to mind though.

Some of the games I played with Brad should not have been played probably. My therapist says it’s all allowed between consenting adults. But….. I wonder that. It’s fine. It’s over. Slate wiped clean. Maybe the next man will be pure vanilla. 🤔🤔🤔 Maybe it will be a woman. Maybe it will be a couple. Lol. You know…. who knows. I rule nothing out. Nothing. It’s just gotta work for me, for my life.

I better get going. Long day.

Kisses

💋💋💋🥰🤗❣️

I’ve been a bit down.  I think it’s because we are reaching the end of this waiting period in my life.  And the last bit of any journey can sometimes be the most difficult. 

I’m going to try not to cry at the meeting.  No one, not one person involved in this mediation has any vested interest in the transaction…… beyond me. To everyone else involved it is just a job. 

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I decided that this Sunday we will have a full blown group pity party.  All men on deck, or in this case me and my little women.  This is a first.  But my middle has a similar situation where she is getting better but still very slowly and with no definitive end in sight.  So, her and I picked a sad movie.  We are having appetizers and dessert and we will cry and mourn life’s difficulties together.  I want to each take turns talking about our own current personal struggles.  Because sometimes it helps to just say things out loud especially to caring ears. 

It will be nice to let them know it’s ok.  It’s ok to express emotions, even the not very pretty ones.  It’s ok to struggle with it all.  It’s ok to take a moment to sit with it and cry.  It’s really ok.

I just had a client come in and she says I look much happier than I did last month.  That struck me.  She seems like a very sweet, honest and even blunt person. I’ll take her word for it I guess. 

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I cancelled on the Scientology thing.  I researched the leader.  I looked at his relationship to women. I tried to find the highest ranking female in the sect.  Too much secrecy there.  I’m not into it. 
There doesn’t seem to be a religion for me. It’s fine. I can’t half-ass it like a lot of people seem to do.  I can’t join just for the benefits without truly commiting to it.  That’s not me. I’d rather do my own thing than live a lie.  Party of one it is. 

And while there is a lot of the New Age movement I can get behind; even that gets a bit too full of itself.  Like what does any of that truly  matter? 

The thing is I am not into hierarchies. I’m not into doing things just for the sake of doing them. I’m not into pandering to the ego of people who think they know more. People that have some pretentious title and feel others are beneath them for it.  So not into any of that bullshit.

Right now I’m into this energy. I really am.  Love her Lizzo spirit!!  I am all for this!

I realize I am a bit angry right now.  Not just at my circumstances, and the people that surround me, but also at myself.  Anger is, after fear, my least favorite emotion.  I try not to indulge it too often but right now I’m going to let it come and surround me and give me the energy to hopefully propel me towards change. 

I can’t keep tripping over the same rocks in life.  I’m sick of being surrounded by selfish people.  That give with one hand and take with the other.  For example:

I have a client. He came to me initially through a referral with a very aggressive degenerative disease.  Telling me all his expenses and asking me for a discount.  So I gave him one initially only to find out he is very, very well off.  Then he tells me almost every session that he is going to get my name out, he’s going to get me tons of clients, etc. etc.  How much he loves my services and how he is going to make all my business success dreams come true.  He’s even told me he was going to tip me, after he asked if I took tips only to then said “oh I forgot cash” and never bring it up again. 

It’s like he just loves dangling all this stuff over my head and expects me to play along like a kitten after a string. 

I can name on less than the fingers of one hand how many clients I’ve had that I haven’t cared for.  We are talking hundreds of people and yet this one is at the top of that very small list.  His entitlement is so irritating and even more so because he thinks he’s so wonderful.  He thinks he’s so humble and soul centered and nice and that probably irritates me more than anything else really.  It’s not that he’s evil or mean to me.

If he would just stop with the bullshit he would be much more tolerable.  I have plenty of rich clients.  I have no issue with his money.  But if you’re going to be a douchebag, own it.  Just own it!!  I really can’t respect him this way and it just grates on me. 

So today I decided to tell him that I am no longer offering him the deeper discount.  He will get the same discount everyone else gets and if he doesn’t like that he can go elsewhere.  That he has booked me out every weekend all month is no concern of mine.

I prefer not to be disrespected so blatantly and stupidly.  I really don’t understand who his antics work on? Is it because I don’t grovel and subjugate myself that he holds off giving me all the things he professes to want to give me and do for me?  Whatever!  Regardless, I don’t play games, especially not these type of games. I refuse to participate.  He can find another pawn, I’m sure. But it isn’t me.

And so it is. 

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It is strangely stupid that I’m really mad at Brad too and I am feeling like he abandoned me.  Technically, I broke up with him but he also forced my hand.  He could not move forward.  He didn’t really want to either.  I guess it’s good that he finally copped to it.  About a year and a half too late but fine.  I’m still very angry and I’m frustrated that I even wanted to build a life with him.  Because the truth is no matter I did. But oh well.

What’s next?  Who’s next?  I wonder that, but right now I want to be alone for a bit to sort things out for myself. 

So much to think about.  So much to do.  So many issues to work on but I’ll keep pressing on…. taking the help I can get from the universe and mankind.  However it comes. Being grateful no matter what…..no matter what!!! And not letting myself feel betrayed by the hands that take, the hearts that judge and the mouths that spew hatred.  Us humans can be rather horrible to each other sometimes and to ourselves too, unfortunately.  But that’s not where I will put my attention. 

Thats not what I will focus on. Nope. I will focus on me and my kiddos and the future I want to see. It’s gotta start somewhere and it starts with a dream.

❤️💋🥰🤗🙏🏽

It’s been a nice calm morning, especially considering the whirlwind of commotion that’s been happening here lately.  The funniest part was the look on the kids faces when I told them they had to pee in the bathtub. 

The disinfectant came in this morning just in time to start washing the towels and floor mats that got yuckified.

This Saturday I have to go to Salem to take part in a class for the court interpreter certification.  The testing doesn’t take place until summer but these are all required and not free steps in the process.  It’s fine.  If I pass this most states reciprocate certification so I could work for almost any court nationwide.

I’ll know next week what the situation is with the house.  That snuck up on me quick.  But I’ll be glad to not have it hanging over my head regardless of outcome honestly.  I just want to know what direction our lives are going instead of this dreadful limbo where I can’t make plans. 

My ex sil (sister-in-law) texted me wanting me to confirm dates for them to visit this summer; all 6 of them again. I told her to hold off making plans right now and she assumed I just didn’t want then in my house.  I had to clarify the situation, which I had not wanted to do.  Her response was that she really needs to know now for work, so to let her know asap. 

Ok. Yes. I’m sorry. Let me get my life together so you can coordinate your schedule.  Sorry to be so inconvenient for you.  🙄

Alright.  Breakfast had.  Phone calls made.  Better get going. 

Enjoy your day.

💋❣️🥰🤗🙏🏽

Well. That was unexpected. But now theoretically it should be fine for a while, although at some point that terra cotta line will have to be changed to PVC. But, as Jon so eloquently put it, probably, hopefully not on my dime.

The packaging doesn’t have to go out until late next week because the buyer is out of town, so I can now concentrate on my other two projects; the paperwork and organizing my garage so I can get all the stuff out from under my backyard veranda. I’m feeling like “Sanford and Sons”* and it’s not something that sits well with me. It just nags at me constantly. Horrible feeling.

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Jon seemed to be interviewing me for a wife position during dinner last night. He asked me if all my kids were from the same man. I don’t know why that question really crawls under my skin. Mine are, but why is that relevant? When I was dating I would get that question fairly often and it was such a huge turn off. Huge!!

Then he starts telling me his laundry list of what he wants in a woman. He brought up a mail order bride and I encouraged him towards it. Mainly because his expectations for woman are a bit outdated. It’s not even the old fashioned notions, because being a bit old fashioned myself I can accept them but it’s his desire to have a woman that wants to do all the things he wants to do.

He wants to find someone to fit into his life, as it stands now. Which is not only unreasonable but not what most woman want or are willing to accept. Woman have desires, hobbies, lives of their own; most at least. And few are going to basically drop everything to cater to a man.

When you form a relationship you both meld it into a lifestyle you can both enjoy, not just one person following the other. That’s not only unsustainable but can lead to resentment and boredom and a myriad of other issues. But I wasn’t going to point that out to him because I’ve never found any man that wanted to hear that.

I myself may seem mild and doormatish, but in reality I am not that way. I am very easy going, but I have expectations and I am generally the dominant one in relationships, to some great extent. My mother accuses me of going out with spineless men, but that’s never truly been the case.

Well anyways… Jon will be back next week to help me with some tubing and changing out of the equipments exhaust fan motor. While I don’t mind the smell a couple of clients have complained and while I find it funny that they care and I don’t, I truly don’t want them uncomfortable with the experience.

I also didn’t sleep with Jon. So we’ll see what happens next week. Could be horny, could be craving being touched, could just let him try his hand at dominating me. Which he says he enjoys doing. It’s a week away, I definitely can’t think that far ahead.

——

Took me over two hour to disinfect my floors, the bathroom and anything that was touched by all 4 plumbers in my house at one point, not including my own transversing in and out of the house and then throw in the car too. I didn’t disinfect the front yard or the trunk of my car but I’m feeling very spent and emotionally drained so I did only the necessary.

I ran out of disinfectant anyway. Food grade 35% hydrogen peroxide is not cheap but it’s so effective and safe (once diluted properly), and so much better than bleach. Once I get it I’ll wash the mounds of laundry this debacle produced and maybe figure out a way to spray down the walkway too.

Tomorrow I have to clean my studio back up for clients. I guess it was good timing all things considered. Didn’t have to cancel on anyone. Just had to miss work and delay the paperwork thing.

Tomorrow I’ll make an appointment for Monday so I have a deadline to turn everything in. Wish me luck!!

🥰❣️💋

*Old reference