Everything is just a simulation

None of this is actually real.

Not to say there aren’t consequences.

But it’s all smoke and mirrors and we play into it all, believing what we are told, believing useless limitations, believing we are more flesh than soul.

To clarify, we are not the meat costume we wear.

We are not the separate entities we believe ourselves to be. Babies come into this world wiped clean with no real sense of who or what they are; learning about their humanoid needs and bodies as they go.

And we are indoctrinated from very early on about how we are all different and separate and belonging to distinct clans and classes under unique social dictates that correspond to who we were born as, where we were born and to (usually) lesser degree our capabilities.

Then those that are more “useful” and indoctrinated are promoted through the ranks.

This is all to maintain everyone in shackles. Because if we all knew how brilliant we are; If we all knew how magnificent our souls are, the gifts that they bring, the power they can wield, the beauty of sharing and joining our life forces towards benevolence, how much we are actually capable of together.

If people truly understood how majestic life could be if we stopped seeing each other as distinct flesh packages and saw each other as kindred beings of eternal light, the games would all stop. The treachery of this life could end. We would no longer be contained or manipulated into these small boxes of flesh labels, jobs, houses and slavery.

Our energetic reality is so much more than these flesh capsules could ever contain. We will all move beyond this life and get to that again.

But I wish, more than anything we could open up to that reality here and now.

It seems futile to wish that on the world. It seems more realistic to wish I could find a place, a community that lived by that precept.

Except I truly believe that there are too many vested interests in keeping humanity tied to the hamster wheel that spins off money, greed, power and corruption. That benefits those at the top at the cost of everyone else. Not knowing or understanding that they risk their own souls by commandeering such atrocities.

This life is so very short. It will pass us all in the blink of an eye.

I don’t purport to know everything. But I do know this, the way it is, the way the world functions is completely wrong. We are so much more than flesh and human needs. We are pure entities of spirit, never ending, glorious and so very powerful.

And this masquerade is a farce of the grandest proportions.

But it seems a lot of people enjoy their own slaughter. And most people seem to live numbed to it all.

All I can do is keep trying to walk the walk and be who I claim to understand to be and that’s a hard enough endeavor. Trust me.


Not trying to be an ungrateful bitch

As much hardship as I’ve endured here: a lot personal, a lot financial/careerwise, some because of intolerance/prejudice and even a bit from others spite.

But truthfully, it’s still all been worth it. And if I have to leave Oregon I am going to miss it. I’ve had some great times, met some really great people, some very interesting characters and seen and been privy to a lot of generosity (of spirit too).

It’s really been an honor and a privilege to get to know Oregon and especially myself and the thankfulness I feel to be allowed to fumble so much and still be humbled by people’s consideration and care.

I have had help. The government has and is helping me. I’ve had some great local help. I’ve been brought to tears by people’s kindness and help. So many times, it’s too many to count in these last 6 years.

And I have truly opened my eyes to the world in a way I’m really not sure would have happened anywhere else. There is just something really beautiful and magical to Oregon.

I was just mad. Lol.


I’m so very ornery today

I can tell because I just cursed a company to failure and all its employees with it.

I, personally, never took a job at a company that was unscrupulous, dubious, or simply not conscientious. One time, when I found out a company I worked for was potentially (unverified) selling chemicals to India illegally, I purposely got myself fired.

So anyone complicit in a company that has no concern for its customers (or the environment) and only cares about its own profits are subject to the karma that company deserves.

The probability is high that any such companies don’t care much for their employees either, and probably try to screw them over as well; since they are simply seen as overhead.

I really have to charge myself down. I don’t want to get bitter. Just because businesses and the world at large seem to function in a very inhumane way doesn’t mean I have to let it make me cynical and angry.

I’m in charge of me and that’s really it. As much as I try to be in charge of my own kids even, they have their own personalities and drives and I can only do so much.

I’m going to do the liver flush today. It will help. The liver holds a lot of the emotions of anger. So a purge will help me settle down some.

Although truthfully, I really wish my liver was well enough to let myself get really drunk instead. But it isn’t and that’s both my blessing and my curse.

And then too, my vibrator broke.

So this is me still on a downward swing. I’m so done battling my own life. I’m not gonna lay down and resign. But I’m done working so hard to try to succeed here. It doesn’t seem meant to be.

I’ll keep envisioning a place I belong. A place of serenity, where life flows smoothly, where people are mostly kind, where I have a purpose, where I have a place, where I am wanted and needed. A place where I am loved and cared for and I can love and care for my fellow human beings as well; a place of true kindred community.

I am going to stop investing my energy on staying here and plan on leaving in the summer, once the kid graduates. That seems to be what needs to happen.

No idea where we will go. Can’t think that far ahead right now.

But I also need to stay grounded and just focus on the now, on today, on this moment.

Forget the past. Wipe it all away. Forgive and be grateful I’m still here, alive, unto myself. Be thankful for those that have taught me, helped me, loved me, showed concern.

There is a huge world outside my little hamlet. I’ve done all I can here. It’s been a treacherous uphill climb the entire time and I’m so tired I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep living such a hard life.

Somewhere, somehow, I will get to where I need to be; a place of symbiosis.

I’m not exactly looking for constant comfort in life. And I’m not lazy. I’m not trying to be stubborn and ungrateful. It’s not that I need things to go my way constantly. I don’t.

But I’m giving up on this dream. The dream of finding stability for myself and my children here. It isn’t happening and that’s ok. This giant world has to have a place for me. Just like I just need one person to love, I just need one place to live. And I’m not settling for constant hardship. I’m just not.

How much work is too much work? How hard is too hard? I don’t know. I’m not going to drive myself into the ground trying to find out. Fuck it!

Divinity, I’m passing you the baton. I give it to you completely. You can handle it. I’ll be here, if you need my input or help. Just let me know. But you got this. You lead. I am, as always, just a servant to your will. I have faith in you❣️

Hopefully you’ll steer us to where we truly belong. I’m taking a break. You know where to find me.


Alright, moving on

So I was going to rake up and shovel mounds of gravel from a neighbor giving some away to lay down my driveway. As the rocks that are there have washed away a lot over the last 4 years and it’s getting a bit muddy.

But that’s 3+ hours of hard labor I’m not into today. So I cancelled. This was the exchange we ended on. (I’m in green.)

But she responded by apologizing and agreeing with me. It ended up being a better exchange than if she had just rolled her eyes and not said anything because I felt heard and understood. But what started out bad ended up even better. Where I felt we met at a place of grace.

Wish we could do the same thing as a country now. We shall see. All the gloating the democrats and Trump haters are pushing out may make it harder though. But I get it. I do. Except bad winners are no better than bad losers. And tit for tat never resolves anything.

Today I have a 3 hour project in the garage to organize my work space, get more stuff into storage so I can start to get my clients stuff listed as well as my own that I’ve procrastinated on.

I have a ton of lingerie and sexpot shoes I’m going to get rid off too. Now is definitely the time. With people in quarantine mode and nothing better to do those lucky enough to have a sex life and disposable money are looking to buy.

I will either create a new ebay account or list on poshmark. Haven’t decided. Poshmark is easier and faster, but their fees are higher.

I have the kids committed to help me with my project today so that’s a good thing. I think they can sense how stressed I’ve been lately. So I didn’t get a lot of pushback.

My suicidal child is failing all her online classes and I don’t have it in me to enforce her to do more than attend her zoom classes. She’s so smart that I know she will catch up once the black fog clears from her mind.

We are going to go off pharmaceuticals soon and try some other therapies. The doctor wants us to try magnetic resonance first. It’s covered by her insurance so that’s good. After that we may try Ketamine or Psilocybin, which was just passed in the legislature. I don’t know if it will be covered. I’m guessing not.

Ketamine isn’t and it’s very, very expensive but worth it. I’ll spend every dime I have to keep her alive but more importantly with real wellbeing and to have her back. I feel like she’s been missing; like her real self has been squelched by this constant melancholy.

Well….. it’s not going to rain today or tomorrow. But it is getting dark early. I think I’ll do a liver flush tomorrow. I have all the ingredients and the time and I think it will be really helpful.

I also have to go to storage today or tomorrow. Which is (unfortunately) right next to Brad’s place. It will take a lot of willpower not to stop in for a quick lay. Fortunately my ego should kick in and help me not to be weak and concede defeat by sheer force of entitlement.

I am entitled to have my needs met. I am entitled to be loved genuinely, fiercely, honestly and with my well-being, needs and desires cared for. And if I go to him I’ll be settling for much less than I want, need and deserve. Not to mention other unhealthy aspects of it. Just gotta keep telling myself that. Here is where the ego comes in handy. Lol

I should be willing to die on this hill. And no one has to believe any of this but me. I have to believe it. I have to live it. I have to enforce it. Tall ask when I’m feeling so emotionally battered. Maybe I should take one of my kids as a deterrent. That would be more fun too. See if I can get one to go. May have to bribe them with In and Out at the least. Lol. Worth it.


One day

I’ll look back and wonder how I let myself get to where I was/am.

A lot of different people and circumstances contributed. I can’t take the full blame. I’ve been preyed on a lot in this life. And maybe had I recognized what was happening sooner I could and should have pushed these people out.

I can see where I have been naive and blind to what was happening. I still don’t have full understanding of some of my own issues that contribute to this all. I know that the trauma from my own childhood let me be taken advantage of a lot and led me astray from my own sense of self.

But I’m starting to feel my strength come back and a redirection. I need to take the time to rebuild myself and focus on who I want to be. I’ve seen aspects of myself that need a lot of healing and growth.

And maybe right now I don’t have outward stability. But I can’t let that deter me from finding inner peace and freedom. I need to find the space to forgive myself and all those that have had their part in this. Be grateful for those that have tried to help and shine a light for me when I need/ed it.


I ask for forgiveness

I love you

I forgive you

I love myself

And ask you to show me love and forgiveness

And I’ll proceed on this journey

Each day lived anew

Each day full of wounderous possibilities

I am far from perfect

And I’ve not lived the life people have wanted or expected of me

Even myself

But I’ve tried to be honest with who I am, where I am

And while that has had its many setbacks, there is nothing to be done but go forward.

And live

Truly live


Unencumbered by the judgement and expectations of others.

Finding my true purpose and happiness in this crazy ass world.


I’m on my way….

I don’t know where I’m going.

I’m taking my time, but I don’t know where.


It’s weighing on me. I’m trying not to let it. But it looks like I may lose my house.

For starters, I’m so far in arrears that were they to approve the loan modification right now and fold my debt back into the loan I would now owe $30k more than what I bought the house for and more than it’s actually worth.

The chances of getting a principal reduction are zero. There are so few foreclosures on the market that mortgage companies have no incentive to give loan modifications at all.

I was told by a lawyer to short sell the house. But that’s not going to happen. The last loan company, who I was working with for over a year to get this resolved, just sold my loan to a new company. I feel I have no choice but keep going forward and try to save my house and the investment I made into it, no matter how long this takes.

And maybe that makes very little sense financially, but I’m completely and totally pot committed and walking away is just not gonna happen.

That’s not to say my hand won’t be forced.

If they deny me the loan mod then I will have zero recourse. But until then I’ll keep pushing this boulder back up the hill.

The main goal is to get the teenager through high school. From there, we will just have to see what happens.

Meanwhile try to save every penny I can. And hope someway, somehow I can keep my house.

I finally started getting used to the idea of living in the basement indefinitely, at least through the pandemic and hopefully until I figured out my next career move. Do I restart my business? Do I just concentrate on the interpretation certification?

Maybe there are better things out there for me. Which seems really far fetched to even hope for.

As long as I don’t have to give the kids to the ex it will all be fine. I don’t think the suicidal one will be able to take that. And I know my nerves won’t either.

It’s just hard not to worry. But…… worrying never brought happiness to anyone’s life. I firmly stand by that. So I must try to live it.

Who knows what the future holds for anyone really. Nothing is guaranteed. More reason than ever to live for today; enjoying the joys present in this moment; and have a grateful heart regardless of the difficulties present.


Witness Love

There is a lot to witness in this world. And there are a lot of vantage points to witness it from. There are lots of opinions. There are lots of people pointing the way, generally theirs.

But the best thing I’ve found to witness and be a part of is love; love for oneself, love from the universe, the love you give and share with the world, your world and others.

I haven’t found much better and I tried crack cocaine and morphine (each once, one administered in the ER, you can guess which, I’m sure) and then a few drugs underneath.

But I don’t always live it. I try though. I try to see the best in everything and everyone.

Some situations and people make it really damn hard though, don’t they?


Long term effects Covid-19, H2O2 therapy

I believe even asymptomatic people that have gotten this virus may suffer long term effects they aren’t even aware of. Because they probably won’t see the issues as directly related.

The virus targets the bodies oxygen pathways, specifically blood vessels and lungs. It causes scar tissue and cellular damage, that the person carrying it may be unaware of.

I’ve known for a long time that we already live very oxygen deprived lives. Our air isn’t the best quality. The oxygen full food directly from the ground is tainted with pesticides, we cook out of a lot of its nutrients, or we don’t eat it within the optimal time from picking it.

We don’t drink enough plain, clean water. We don’t exercise enough. And we take far too shallow of breaths due to habit and our high stress levels.

All this was bad enough, but add a virus that strips your body of oxygen by affecting all of its oxygen pathways and it’s a recipe for lasting issues.

I would not be surprised if the world life span shortens a bit for those living through this.

Can it be countered? I believe so.

When I got the virus back in March I happened to be doing a H2O2 cleanse, along with other measures to increase my oxygen levels*. I believe with almost complete certainty that I would have gotten much sicker, if not ended up hospitalized had I not been doing that oxygen rich therapy.

I’ve started another oxygen cleanse again. Not for the virus, but more so for the cleansing aspect. It’s one of the best parasite cleanses in that is clears the entire body systemically. It has added benefits of helping any cells needing oxygen, which may be damaged or impaired. Making it the perfect cleanse for this era.

It isn’t difficult, except one has to be stringent and consistent. I like the MMS cleanse too (although it isn’t oxygen rich) but that one seems to give me herxheimer reactions and is much stricter as far as diet. Whereas the H2O2 diet only asks that you don’t eat or drink within 1.5 hours in each direction of taking it, 3 times a day. So you have to regulate your eating a bit. Not too hard. You get used to it.

Well. Not sure if I’ll do a liver cleanse this weekend while I’m doing this cleanse or wait a few weeks.

I’m doing an NAC filled IV infusion today. I’m super excited to see the results. NAC orally works great, rectally works better, but directly into the blood may work even better, maybe. I guess we will see. My liver is still smarting a bit. Nothing horrendous just almost daily at some point, sometimes several points.

I’m just thankful I know how to help myself and I don’t have to rely on pharmaceuticals.

Always looking for the bright side. Gotta to do all I can to stay positive. Give myself permission to be happy. If I don’t give it to myself, who will? Lol



*H2O2 filled baths and H2O2 vapor, plus extensive cleaning with strong grade H2O2.

Maddest of all

“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical may be madness. To surrender dreams, this may be madness… Maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be,” Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervantes

I really don’t see what all this idiocy is about in our politics right now. When in this nations democracy has voting and a possible changing of the guard ever been disruptive like this?

Who really thinks that some old white dude that just served as vice president would and could create enough choas (be it financial or otherwise) to merit this kind of reaction? Who would think that a washed up TV personality could command so much (ill gotten) loyalty, respect and trust? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

Do you know there are telemarketers from other countries (primarily) who call phone numbers randomly to find dumb people to steal from. They ask stupid questions and say things that no sane person would probably believe but they do this to weed out smart people. They also heavily target elderly.

My point is…… when did people stop asking questions? When did people stop looking at the motivation behind lies and fear mongering? Why do people seem to want to believe the worst about their fellow humans and citizens? Or follow and trust people that have no real vested interest in their needs?

None of this makes any sense to me whatsoever. I mean, while I’m relatively happy the orange haired man seems to be losing this election…..

the real issue I see is the unrest and the national divide, with most people not truly understanding each other’s side. That the country is so split and that Trump managed to get all those votes despite his despicable behavior has me puzzled.

Did that half of the country not see his antics, bullying and lies over these last 4 years?

I can’t give the man a pass no matter how well the economy did during his tenure, which he didn’t create mind you. He just kept the upswing Obama started from after the housing bubble.

And how could one not consider the lies and whitewashing he has done during this pandemic?

And that the stock market keeps so strong is a clear sign to me of the real disconnect between the government backed corporate agenda and the plight of the common citizen. Which has more to do with the mass protections and safeguards we give large businesses as opposed to civilians.

Because we can’t pass a second stimulus? We can’t implement a national response to a pandemic? We can’t run a civil voting process?

I would beg each person to look within their own heart and do their duty to help their fellow citizens, especially those that are struggling the most right now. Those being left behind in this “land of opportunity”.

I still really don’t care who wins the election. I just wish people could see how they are being led to a fountain of anger, fear and hatred towards their fellow citizen and that this is the bigger problem. This is the true madness.

And I want no part of it❣️✌🏽

My blog was inactivated

I wondered why my readership was way down. I don’t really care much honestly. I write this more for myself than anything and as a place to reflect on my own thoughts and life. But I did find it quite odd that it just took a swan dive like that.

And now it’s fixed. So that makes me feel better.

Tomorrow is only Thursday. This week feels like it’s lasted two weeks already.

I’m ready to take a heavy dose of THC and a 2 hour bath. Friday can’t come soon enough. I tell ya.

Wondering what kind of mayhem we will have going on if the orange haired man doesn’t get elected. Which it seems to be leaning towards.

I’m exhausted. It seems to be the general feeling going around right now. I don’t think I’ll get much work done the rest of this week.

I really need to work on clearing my work space. It’s chaos. And I took on 3 clients items this week. So I really need to get properly organized. That’s the project for this week.

Focus on what I can control.

And with that I bid you all goodnight and sweet dreams. πŸ’‹