About Pegging

So here’s the thing about pegging. What happens between two (or more I suppose but all consenting) adults is not anyone’s God damn business. Right? That and we have some pretty yummy nerve endings back there. If you don’t believe me try it for yourself. Gradually please, start with a finger and plenty of lube.  Please don’t you go hurting yourself because I said to try it. Lol

Truthfully I’ve only done it less than a dozen times or so. It’s like the sex club. I’ve gone less than ten times, ever. BUT I enjoy it. Sex should be fun!!  If you’re not having fun you are absolutely doing it wrong. Trust me!!

 

Glutton for Good Sex

Ugghhhhh

Ok. I’m not proud of it.  But I went back for more.  Why?  Because the sex was that good people!  It was so not worth it.  Learning lesson here.  At some point I have to break out the dunce cap and go sit in the corner and think about this further.  It borders on pathetic what I do and have done for great sex.

So there I am in his bed with my head in his nether region…and… nope… no details.  lol.  What did you think I was going to say?

My point here is that NO ONE  controls me, my sexuality, how I love, when I love.  PERIOD!!!  Yes triple exclamation and capital.  EVER!!  End of fucking story.

Thank God I’ve met some really phenomenal men in this single sojourn.  I’m not going to let this sidetrack put me off.  So let’s just keep playing my new single anthem “It’s raining men” until I can figure out which one is mine.  Lol

 

Frustated

Not just sexually, which is already horrible enough. Just so blah about everything right now. I took down the escort website again. Lol. I actually got a few calls, which I did not answer. So I didn’t have anything come out of it. Not that I tried that hard really.

It reminds me of when I did private dancing. I lasted exactly one week and then I realized I didn’t like who I was becoming. One day I’ll have to go into those details. It was an interesting week to say the least. An interesting segment of society exists in the realms outside of sight in the quiet of the deep night.

Ho hum….

My financial footing is just so precarious right now that it has me feeling a bit in shambles. Before I got married I never really worried to much about it. It was easy for me to get good jobs and if I was without a job (which rarely happened) or between apartments, or moving out from my boyfriends house after an argument in the middle of the night it didn’t worry me. I could couch crash or sleep in my car. It was all no big deal. Now divorced with kiddo’s it’s a whole different ballgame.

The moment that divorce was finalized and he moved out it hit me like an avalanche. The pressure of having to maintain a stable income to provide for the family with me as its head was over-fucking-whelming. I immediately had nothing but absolutely utter respect for what men go through because if they feel anything like I felt in that moment it’s fucking intense. I had never felt that kind of pressure before.

The thought of living in my car or bouncing around was simply not an option. I mean yes people do suffer that fate unfortunately, but I would and will do whatever it takes (legally) to not have that happen to my children. I just can’t even bare the thought.

I went into the business I did (my legitimate one) because I have a deep passion for helping people and I know it’s the right space for me to be in. I simply didn’t allocate enough time for realistically building up a business from scratch and I didn’t have a plan B firmly in place.

Everyone should have a plan B. Thank God they exist in both senses, but I was so resolute. So stubborn. Honestly though, had I not been I would have never done it and this is where I really do need to be.

I got a call today from a frantic father that desperately needed help for his son. I am not legally allowed to work with children but I did tell him how he could help his son and much cheaper than I would have done so and it felt wonderful. It made my day but it didn’t bring me a single dollar. Not that I do things strictly based on monetary gain…obviously not. It’s just an observation as to how where I need to be hasn’t exactly been entirely lucrative as I had hoped it would be. I know it will take time, but I am lacking in that right now.

I hope and pray that some financially lucrative doors open soon. Something that makes sense for where I am in life and what I have going on…brood and all.

It’s a long bubble bath night for sure. Really long!! This one will go down in the books. Unfortunately not for 50 shades reasons but alas a girl can still dream. Try and stop me! Lol

Sugar Plum Fairies Come Forth

We all have our dreams. I spend a grandiose part of my day daydreaming. Most of it not sexual, but some of it very much so.

It stands to reason that I have envisioned how this business goes in a sexual fantasy way.  A sexual fantasy for me though, right?   Yes!  Who else would it be for?

In the escort way I completely anticipate in the exact same way as “Pretty Woman” minus…well anyway. Who knows? Lol 😉

Then in the Hostess way I would love to bring my very own submissive with me. To show what it looks like. To let other men and women indulge a little in both kinds of fantasies. (PG-13 gutterheads.)

The Mistress would have me emailing or faxing a 2 page questionnaire so that the experience could be magical from point ay to zee.

Foot fetish. Well. You’d have to know about it to know about it. It’s not sexual in the general sense of the term most people use but it is. Kind of like the above example. Hard to explain. It’s different in the sense that it isn’t about the pleasure necessarily that comes with touching the feet. It encompasses a lot more. Aspects people may not think about off-hand as being sexualized.

Hey. Different strokes for different folks. Consenting adults. All good!! Always. Unless drugs, coercion, psychological abuse, etc is going on. (Sign of the cross here folks). Somethings are so horrid even I revert back to my Catholic roots in prayer. Lol

Hey. Reality doesn’t mirror fantasies….except when it does…except when it’s even better.

Wouldn’t that be fucking fantastic!!! (I’m not necessarily referring to the above dreamscapes either.) 😉

Lazy Mistress

I am busy. Come 5pm I run out of batteries and a bath is the most work I can think to do after that time zone. I make exceptions for dates, friends, dancing, parties, sex and a few school activities for the kiddo’s. For the most part I tend to be home making dinner and getting nestled in for the night.

My brain effectively shuts off. Everyone knows not to even try to discuss anything of seriousness with me after this time because my brain is pretty much mush.  Fun yes. Sure!  Seriousness not so much. No!

So this leaves me at a loss for many things. Reading. Hobbies that involve brain cells. Thinking in logical patterns. It’s truly a wonder that I can even write; but the quiet of the night is the only time I can do it..so that is when it gets done.

So this Domme thing…well. Yes. I’ve been thirsting to be a domme before I even knew anything about BDSM. I started pegging my boyfriends before I even understood the symbolism that it held. It just comes very naturally to me and I can’t say why honestly.  I won’t go as far as to say I manipulate people because that simply isn’t the case.  I do tend to get people to do what I want but that also means giving people what they want. Which means I have to have a grasp on what their deep desires are and give them that so that they in turn can give me what I want and I do so lovingly. I do it with adoration. I do it wanting to give them what they want…ok…yes….maybe at a cost, but never one they can not afford to give.

I do this with everyone. It isn’t sexual per se. But….

I do love being a domme. I love being in complete power of my own sexuality and then completely dominating someone else’s sexual behavior. It’s fucking intoxicating as hell. I lust for it. Deeply!!

So why then do I not exert more energy into becoming one…not just any one of course; a great one. Why?  Ugghhh. I don’t know.

I could give a million reasons but reality is I have not been sufficiently incentivized to do so and it isn’t a priority. I take more enjoyment from it than almost anything else I do yet without having a specific person to unleash it on I just don’t see the point. It’s like learning to paint and never having any canvas or paints to work with. Why would anyone do that?

Maybe if I start booking some Mistress jobs I will find myself in the circumstance of having to learn more; to dominate different personalities. Generally speaking though I find myself a good enough judge of character and deviancies in people to understand what they need.

I guess we will have to see how far that will carry me.

I do one day want a red room. I do enjoy the sexual aspect of playing. And being a Mistress is a part of me that I never want to lose, in fact I have it on my agenda to tap into the power more, to really find my Domme persona and bring her more to the forefront. Maybe only in a sexual capacity…maybe not.

Although truthfully I like myself exactly how I am. I like people to think I’m meek. I have no issue with that at all. When I need to be strong I am. The vast majority of the time. Crying is allowed. Fuck whoever says it isn’t. Lol. Digressing.

There is always room for growth in life. I want to be a fucking fabulous ass Domme. I would like to do that for one really special person but if it becomes a fun job hey….well then fantabulous.  How many people can say that their sexual fantasies are their source of income, especially if we consider that it wouldn’t even involve sex?

Alright life. Incentivize me!!

2 Months

I’m going to take the next couple months to get myself financially stable; one way or another. The universe seems to be leading me in the direction I actually want to go, just not as swiftly as I need. But I will keep working my ass off until the income I need to survive starts to materialize. Good thing I like challenges in life. Lesser souls may have given up by now. My tenacity or sheer stubbornness has a way of helping me out sometimes.

What I didn’t anticipate however was to be blindsided by an unreciprocated love affair. To realize one is not thought of as highly as one wanted or desired as much as one had thought one was can be mildly devastating. Especially when one had the hopes of making something substantial out of the situation. Alas…life doesn’t always work that way. I could sit here and chastise myself for lack of foresight or letting myself get so engulfed…but I’m not sure what purpose that would serve.

I don’t have enough space or time to look at this objectively yet. So I am going to just allow myself these next few months to give dating a backseat. Catch my breath a bit. Get myself organized and stabilized and then charge forth again with my usual bright spirit. I’m going to nurse my wounds for a bit here and redirect that energy towards a much more necessary endeavor.

It’s just too bad that all that dating got me nothing of great consequence; not even a lover. But I had fun. I won’t complain. I am ever so truly grateful to be treated well; to be thought of highly; to be desired.  I pushed myself to the highest of my capabilities working with what I have and who I am. I didn’t expect it to be everyone’s cup of tea but many doors did open for me and that is not something I take lightly or trivially. Deeply honored.

Why I found what I desire with a man that couldn’t give me what I wanted? Well.  Maybe it’s just life laughing at me and asking me to stop taking myself so seriously. Ok universe. Fine. I get it. I’ll laugh again. Just not right this second. Let me pause a minute and wipe these tears. Let me clear my throat and start again fresh in a tiny bit.

2 months. Which when the minutes crawl like slugs and the days seem to drift aimlessly like dandelion petals in the wind may appear like complete lifetimes away. But it’s a goal. A landmark for my soul to look upon in the horizon of what has of late been a somewhat bleak and somber landscape.

Maybe a visit to the sex club is in order. That always cheers me up.

Being Celibate Sucks!!

In my younger days I wished there had been a way to hire a healthy straight Adonis to fuck the life out of me. I would have gladly paid to just get a fulfilling fix when I wanted it.

Now it doesn’t cross my mind anymore to pay for sex, but that’s not to say that sex itself doesn’t cross my mind. It is an almost constant. Not a day goes by I don’t deeply crave the intimacy and/or release and/or pleasure and yet…here I am abstaining.

I get hit on. I get propositioned at the sex club multiple times generally. I have a rolodex of men on my phone happy to acquiesce given a chance. Yet here I remain…longing.

Hoping that the wait will be worth the sacrifice, because this time around I want it all. While a lover has suited me in the past they were generally men I didn’t really care for and would never pass the threshold beyond just sex and they suited that end perfectly well.

Now I am waiting for my best friend. I am waiting not for a savior or man in shining armour but a fellow human being full of nuances and vulnerabilities just like everyone else. I want my playmate that I can start crossing things off my sexual bucket list with: threesome, orgy, sex swing, on and on…yes please.

So I wait in what will be the closest equivalency to virginity a man my age range can hope for….chaste for a good cause. I want to unleash myself on one deserving man. A man who I can give my heart and body to and will cherish me deeply for everything I encompass. The good, the bad and the deviant.

Can I get an Amen?  😉