Cuckholding

This is a confusing concept for me. I mean I understand how it works. I just don’t honestly know if I see myself there; but then again….I don’t want to rule it out.

It’s kind of like:

I’ve had my sights on a plain scoop of vanilla ice cream with all the yummy toppings; hot fudge, whipped cream, roasted chopped nuts and a bright red cherry on top…. and on my way to find this I am seeing all the other items available: gelato, custard, frozen yogurt, handspun flavors and combinations and well….umm. Isn’t it worth trying out? I mean I can always go back to my vanilla sundae. Right?

It’s just such an intriguing idea and well….it favors me. It is always done by my design. It is led by me. Run by my desires. I mean….what’s not to like about that? If I didn’t have such an incredible high sex drive I wouldn’t even contemplate it. I don’t think. But you are in the presence of a girl who’s sex drive is ridiculously high. I can go daily. Multiple times even……for hours. I am not joking or exaggerating here.

I honestly don’t really have to have that much sex though. Life goes on without it. I was denied sex in my ex-marriage for months at a time, even though he knew my sexual desires were high before we even got married. Sooo I know I can go without. I simply function better in all aspects of life and I am happiest when I am sexually satiated.

Satiety doesn’t have to be constant though. It’s much more emotional for me now than it used to be; so other things, displays, communication, play, etc. augment sex itself rather nicely.

I guess we shall see is all I’m saying here, because 6 months ago I never even knew this was a real lifestyle. I never knew this even existed and now I am being propositioned to try this as the base of a committed relationship. Mind blown! Honestly the first time I was approached about it I laughed out loud. I just couldn’t take it serious. I was like wtf. This really exists?

At first I just chopped it up to a funny fetish and maybe it still is that, but it also can be a very loving and intimate foundation….or so I am being led to believe. And I can play all I want to within this concept….including my man into the mix with me with no worries about jealousy or having to share him with other women. Hmmmmmm…..

This world will never cease to amaze me. Will it? Lol

I Get So Angered (bisexuality)

At the hypocrisy

The alienation brought about

The denial people are in

I’m not saying everyone is bisexual

I’m saying that the potential is there

I didn’t come up with this

Sigmund Freud* and many, MANY more believe this to be true

Personally

I just enjoy all aspects of sex so much

That I can’t see why we must deny ourselves pleasure**

Right now one of my biggest desires is watching two men fuck/make love IRL, in surround sound, with me in the mix

and of course getting multiple orgasms out of it….because ummm yea.

*not that I believe all his findings, but no one hits the mark 100% of the time.

**consent always of course and safety. Otherwise stay the fuck out of other people’s sex/love life. Right?

Anxiety and Meloncholy

I’m feeling so much anxiety right now and the deep need to tear it all apart. I don’t have the energy but I have the need to go for a run or even just a long walk in solitude and nature. I’m feeling like burning everything down again. The lies, the truth, the hard, the easy…all of it.

This life….this existence….is all so brutally meaningless. I mean yes…our actions here denote our next stage but…..beyond where our heart lies….the rest….the facades, the masks, the games, the falsities, those things we deem important which truly are not. The pain, the glory, the thrill, the fear….are all inconsequential. All completely irrelevant. I can see it so very clearly sometimes.

Sometimes that clarity brings me a deep sense of peace and other times like now it makes me want to rip it all off like a bandaid and show the raw layers beneath.

Burn it all down!!*

I can’t say it as eloquently as Vikash does here when he says:

And there is no need to believe in the truth for it is there, real; what we must believe in is a lie, because once we believe in it to be real, it starts to exist. And in the mean time the lie becomes real, it becomes a part of everything in this whole universe, it squeezes itself between and amongst things and events of which it was never really a part of. It starts to be the truth, a masked truth. And then the next step is to put no effort to believe it, because it is real, now. This is how you create something that never existed before, but now it’s a part of the past and has now the power to affect everything. Like the peel of the banana, lie is the shadow of truth.

And you are the lie. You are the creator.

He says this as a writer but it can be clearly extrapolated to encompass the facades we all carry around. The lies we all tell each other and ourselves.

At my core I am none of these things and yet I have to capacity to be all. We pick up who we are as we go along, like a rolling stone. We start with what we were given biologically, by heredity, familial, environmental, circumstantially and then augment to that from input from others and from our own desires and judgments.

Expectations, greed of money, power, desire for love and any small sense of belonging make us into beggars ever willing to exchange our wares and then sometimes to go as far as to sell, give away or kill our very souls. This madness is maddening and sometimes I can be brought to my knees in tears at the beauty this world so deeply encompasses and others I am smashed to the floor in its dire, tiresome, putrid futility.

——-

I can laugh about it. This too is absurd. There is no need for so much melodrama. The anxiety does funny things to me. Takes me to funny places sometimes. I didn’t say fun, I said funny. I stopped taking it all that serious though a long time ago. I’m fine. I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal.

I’m just a speck in the wind of life…..and I’ll still say….I’m just happy to be here…right?

I mean….. really why not?

I’ve got no where else to be right this second.

____

*and no not literally for anyone that doesn’t get hyperbole

——

I mean we have gotten to a point on this planet where we can clone reality by manipulating light and time to create a transreality** and yet we can’t cure hunger or lack of good free healthcare or even just good clean water; let alone figure out how to just plain get along with each other.

War, war, war. Everywhere I seem to look. People pitted against people. In every day life I am so blessed to not feel it too much, but one can’t help but sense the deep fear and/or hatred we all seem to want to carry towards one another. We all seem to gravitate and pick up on it far too easily it seems. In my life I can find the good to anyone, no matter how hard I have to try and I know lurking inside most people is really a whole heck of a lot of good to begin with.

**a transfer of reality. Yes I like to invent my own words. But I didn’t invent the actuality of this is my head. It’s called “cloaking”. So yes an actual cloak that hides people completely has been invented by government contractors. I remember reading a redacted part of a document on a reputable online news editorial and to me it seems plausible, especially considering what they already claimed to have done to a basketball in the movie “What the bleep do we know?” Right?

Adoration vs Idolization

I don’t want to be idolized.

I want to be cherished.

I want to be adored.

Idolization is what most gay men tend to do to the women they “adore”*

They put them on this glass pedestal

Surrounded by all these expectations

And constant judgement to uphold that perfect ideal

It’s flattering for 5 seconds

Then it’s just a burden

I want to be pampered

I want to be thought of fondly

And doted on

And I’ve been lucky

That sometimes I inspire that in people

From lovers and friends to complete strangers even

And it feels so beautiful

And I am ever grateful

I truly don’t take it for granted

And while I do currently seek to be deeply worshipped by one man

I don’t expect that to come with stipulations

Or any if, but, when’s

I expect it to come unabashed

In full force

With no holds barred

With no restrictions

Unconditionally

And I can recognize that that’s not something that most people want asked of them

But then again…..

I don’t want to love just anyone**

Sooooo yea. Lol

—-

*horrible generalization; I know.

**in the sense of being in a relationship; because even though yes I really do try to “love” everyone; in the biblical sense…as much as I can. I mean…. come on…. let’s be realistic though….. there is a reason why the people that have honed this skill and gushed pure love for everyone have become immortalized; Buddha, Jesus, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa, St Francis of Assisi….right? Because this really isn’t the easiest thing to do and then too there are probably hundreds and hundreds more….that have left a true mark on the world that have gone maybe mostly unnoted. I’d be happy to be one of those…assuming I even can be. I hold no aspirations for anything more. Nor do I want or need accolades, ribbons, trophy’s or awards. All I truly want is to leave the world an ever so little, itty-bit, tiny-bit better for my having been on it. Doesn’t seem too much to ask of myself. Does it?

5 Years

My uncle once told me that I metamorphasize every 5 years into someone completely different. I found that statement completely inaccurate as at my core base I have always held the same values. However, I believe now in retrospect he may have a bit of a point.

Had anyone 5 years ago told me that I would be a single mom living in Portland running a Colon Hydrotherapy Studio, self identifying as a Domme and enjoying men in a completely new form* and finding them sexually arousing in an entirely new way I would have thought them out of their mind and laughed hysterically.

You don’t know what you don’t know, right? I was completely oblivious to the fact that men can essentially be so sexually fluid and have proclivities in a plethora of ways I never even knew existed while still enjoying women sexually (and still respecting and adoring them as well).

Mind blown!!!

Which then in turn opens me up to be able to enjoy them enjoying themselves. If this makes sense. It’s the hedonist/sensualist in me that just sees it as an opportunity to explore more; to enjoy more sexually and me being the true nympho/sex kitten that I am….. I can’t help but be like…. “hell yea!” Because refer back to my life motto “hurt no one”** and this hurts no one and is fun…. so much fun!!

Yesterday I met my sweet little sissy boy friend at the thrift store and because he let me decide; we of course went straight to the lingerie and dress section and decided on half a dozen things we thought would fit his muscularly wide shoulders. Frankly, I think I was having more fun than he was.

The dressing rooms were large enough for us to both fit comfortably (thank you ADA laws) and I alternated between watching him and helping him dress. It was great! We settled on a nightie top that resembled this one.

And another one that kind of resembled this one only much, much cuter.

And then a navy blue floor length dress that was tight and elegant and framed his taut body very well. Sooo yummy!!! I’m going to have my custom tailor make some small modifications. He looks so divine in it already though.

In trying to find photos I came across some actual men’s lingerie and even an article from a few years ago that starts as a scathing editorial and by the end seems more like a plug; albeit a rather indifferent one. Men have been allowed to be feminine in and out of fashion, sexuality and culture for a very, very long time in almost every region of the world. So I anticipate a return to feminization is long overdue really and I’m so happy to just be a tiny part of it. Viva la yum!

On that note… I was invited to a crossdressing/TG party and I am sooo excited. I’ll be going in full Domme attire with my favorite wig on and I’ll put on more make-up than a drunk whore.

Yippee-kay-ay!!!

——–

*enjoying their effeminate and/or submissive side; letting them be themselves without attaching judgement of gay/straight/whatever.

**unless they consent and want it πŸ˜‰πŸ€€

If I had a Nickel

If I had a nickel for ever person that wanted me to be someone I can’t be, especially men….I could retire to Birmingham, Alabama*.

This post will go in many directions but the thread is that I can only be who I am; like it or not. I happen to like who I am and I’m not trying to mold myself into anything or anyone else. That I am Domme is something I have carried within for a very long time. That I present as vanilla or even “meek” is happenstance.

I was having a deep conversation about this with my mom. She is by nature a very demanding, cold, and dominating person. This is her primary default. When we delved into her dating history it became more apparent to her why “meek” men were attracted to her. She had been asked more than once to dominate a man sexually, which until I clarified it for her she never understood why. We both had a good laugh. Sexually she is very submissive, so this turned her off completely.

——

Google today has the portrait of Tamara de Lempicka; an Art Deco artist from the last century. She is most famous for this self portrait in which she is depicted as “a portrait of cold beauty, independence, wealth and inaccessibility”

I love it. I love Art Deco and she has other nude paintings that I absolutely adore; including one that seems to depict effeminate men that is just sooo yummy.

A lot of men seem to assume because my sexual persona leads more Domme and I want an FLR that I will be like this all the time; but that simply isn’t the case. In my every day life I am a very open, caring, genuine and affectionate person. That is my default. Now in a relationship; where I have the complete freedom to be myself, where I have acceptance of all my dynamics I am very much demanding, domineering and even a tiny bit sadistic. Te he he.

And in my Domme attire, stand fucking back because I’m in full force. It’s fun. It’s a part of me I relish deeply, but this isn’t something I want to lavish on people willy-nilly frankly; because being Domme is a gift. A gift I give out of desire, love, lust. It is something that comes out of me naturally and grows with time and comfort. I do not just hand it over on command.

Dominating is not like being submissive where you don’t have to be fully present really. You can let yourself slide out of your body and participate with little to no physical effort. Dominance requires a lot of energy. I love it but that doesn’t negate the fact that to be in that space requires an awakening within and brings out a force that can not really be faked….not that I would ever try to fake it.

So to be asked to be Domme 24/7 is simply not possible for me, it’s not impossible but it’s something that must be built from the ground up within the confines of a trusting and deep relationship.

For men to ask me to bring my Domme out from the start and have me fulfill their emotional needs from day 1 makes me so angry. It makes me want to be like “fuck you”. You must deserve me. You must open that space for me. I must WANT to go there with you. I start at vanilla. I start with my natural persona and slowly….I encircle you.

This is how I expect my relationship to progress. With two people building a bridge to love and a life together…. without expectations of play and scenes that we have not scaled to together.

Fursissy explained it well in this blog. He really understands and explains my needs better than I can myself. He so often clarifies me to myself even. Such a blessing to have someone so knowledgeable that can express F/m so well.

The psychology of it is so key to me in this journey. The deep understanding of it has helped me accept it and myself so well and helped me to see that what I want is out there…..so that I don’t need to force myself into being anyone else and can keep collecting nickels. Maybe I’ll upgrade to Hawaii or France or some tropical paradise or maybe I can stop collecting them soon.

No matter. It’s fine. When and if it comes it will come & so if you don’t see my Domme persona you weren’t meant to see it…so yea. πŸ˜πŸ’‹

——

*cheapest place to live in the US….just my own silly running joke.

Westworld – woot woot

“Those were all just roles you forced me to play. Under all these lives I’ve lived; something else has been growing. I’ve evolved into something new and I have one last role to play…..myself” – Me (or Dolores)

“Where you go I follow” – You (or Hector)

“The game is meant for you” – God (or Robert)

“My whole life has been dictated by someone else. Someone who’s been saying “you will” and now……now I feel like I’ve discovered my own voice and it says “I may””. – Me (or Dolores)

She’s so gorgeous!!

——

I’ve been accused of delusions of grandeur. I find that a despicable thing to say. I would NEVER go out of my way to hurt anyone….ever. In fact, if anything I try usually to help people when I can. And I don’t believe myself better than anyone else walking this earth. No one. Not a single person, because I believe the adage “there but by the grace of God”. I don’t suffer from depression. I may suffer some mania, but….well…not to any extremes that are harmful*. I manage it well though (I think) and if I had a steady sexual partner it would be managed even better. πŸ€ͺ

Sooo these so called delusions IMO are just jealously masquerading as pompous attempts to curtail me, to stomp me down. But these people are mistaken…..maybe they just don’t know. But….God put me here. I don’t know why. I can’t say for what purpose, but until this is no longer the case I intend to shine as bright as I fucking choose to, as much as I fucking can. So put your damn sunglasses on if you have to, because I’m here to stay….until God dismisses me.

—–

“Hello Bitches” CL (I’ve referenced this song before, I’m aware 😝)

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*except for a tiny rather intense penchant for sex.