OMG. He was so succulent. My first golden boy. Beautiful yellow locks, soulful blue eyes and a depth in them that I coveted and yearned for.

He was the first boy I scratched. I loved leaving welts on his beautiful pristine skin and hearing him cry out in pain. It gave me such extreme pleasure and he wouldn’t really complain. He was so enchanting. He would ask me sometimes if it was necessary in his sweet, loving tone and I would try and stop myself. But he drew it out of me with his adoration, and gentle soft beauty and I could see the pain in his gorgeous face and his willingness to submit and it made me so very happy.

I was 16. Lol

I lament that I tried to subdue that part of myself for far too long, but I am sooooo happy I get to unleash myself now completely…..once and for all. There is a deeply satisfying beauty in that I am not only allowed but desired this way.

And I will never be subdued again.


Everyone has their take. Don’t they?

Why wouldn’t a woman want a slave? Lol

But I like the image and it does make perfect sense if you’re vanilla or want to be.

I like this song, but I think we are all complicated people. I think the thought of understanding yourself though is universally accurate to everyone. We should all try to be simple….simply ourselves.

Here is my understanding of that and this goes for absolutely everyone*.

I don’t care why it is you want from me; whatever that is…I can’t give it to you. I can only give you me and if that doesn’t work. I’m sorry. I’ve disappointed a great many people, but disappointing myself trying to be someone I’m not is much much worse.

*the only exception is my children for whom I try to be the absolute best version of me that they need. Since they are so individual and different it almost makes parenting them well feel like schizophrenia. Lol. (I am obviously kidding).

Start being rational

Lol. OMG. If I had a nickel.

My ex husband says to me “when will you start making good decisions?”

Honey…I can only be me!!

I’m so sorry that disappoints people.

But seriously.

“Fuck you!!”

I ain’t out hurting anyone. I’m doing the best I can here.

All I want to be is me!!

Why is that so hard in this world?

Makes no fucking sense to me!!!


Luke Bryan – “I believe most people are good”. Good ass song.

“Just be held” Casting Crowns….love this song except for “on the throne” and Jesus references. It’s not that I don’t believe he existed. He was a great guy. I’m sure he was real. My point is we all have a connection to God. It’s inside of us. It’s helpful sometimes for people to point that out but I don’t need an intermediary.

For fucks sake

This world is so fucking upside down.


I met the sweetest gem of a woman. She has an arm that got massively fractured and it’s 2 inches shorter than the other. It gives her constant pain and she came over to help me prep the house and I’ve NEVER seen anyone work so fucking hard (and she is white not Hispanic). Most people would be on disability with her condition.

Weird ass world. I don’t know that I’ll ever get it. So….what’s there to do?

One foot in front of the other.

Guess I should start modeling the behavior I want to see. The way the world should be. Full acceptance of yourself and then acceptance of the love given to you. It’s there!!!

God bless you Diane!!!!

Bratty Ass Teenagers

I DO NOT like being lied to. It sends me into a fucking frenzy.

This Airbnb chick said “oh it’s just me and my daughter time”. Which yes, I thought was odd as fuck but ok. Fine. Whatever. I love my daughters. Who am I to judge.

But no!!!

Let’s see.

Two Costco piZzas, enough cups to hydrate a football team, cupcakes, candles, truth or dare homemade

It’s cute as fuck and they took care of my place. BUT MADE me issue a full refund because “I scared her with my texts”.

Is that why a condom wrapper is missing.


Like I told them via text. Thank God I believe in karma or I’d have to start carrying a fucking machete.


Or is it the parents fault for them needing to lie. No! I don’t know. For fucks sake. Why is it so complicated!!!

I don’t deserve this. Do I? What the fuck did I do God???

Just tell me that!!!!


I’m pretty sure I left 3 condom wrappers. It’s fine. Even if they just took it. Great! I’ve got to leave 3 now each time to make sure. I thought I did but anyway.

And I need to lock that room but the key is in the house so what’s the point. Either that mom is ( parents are) delusional as fuck or….. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s my biggest flaw except people generally rise up or surprise me sometimes. A few do. Seems less and farther between as society goes into overdrive.



Are we raising heathens? Where is our morality? I don’t get it. I get that people lie out of a sense of self preservation. But……

unless your actual life is in danger that makes ZERO sense to me. Stop fucking lying peeps.


I’m making no sense. Am I?

I didn’t see them. I have no idea what happened last night. I only know that they left all my doors unlocked, changed the lockbox key, I thought I heard a male voice, I think a condom is missing, I know it was a birthday party, they left in the middle of the night. Lol. Those are the facts. They didn’t destroy my house, but I gave them a full refund. Someone knows all the facts. It just isn’t me. Lol

Maybe I’ll upload the transcripts of the texts. I scared her??? I find that really hard to believe. Although I do go on texting tantrums. lol

lesson learned. Do not text guests. Noted!!

hopefully it doesn’t escalate. I don’t need the neighbors upset or cops at my door.

Banning Trangenser Groups in Army


Why is the world so retarded? And no. I LOVE my mentally disabled. I don’t mean it to offend them. I should use another word. I’ll have to think of one.

Blacks had troops

Women are included


I mean for fucks sakes

I don’t get it. I just don’t!!

Is it because the medical coverage lets them have surgery if desired.

Well. We’ve paid for stupider things with our taxes.

Being happy with who you are in important. Important mental health.

Seems like common sense to me.


Here’s my question though. Are there take backsies? Why can’t we all just be happy with what God gave us. I know. Now I’m being …….an idiot? Is that a better word. Lol


(NOT sexual)

So I’ve been asked why I put myself in the situation I did. Why don’t I sell the house? Why don’t I get a job? Ugghhh. I’ve been told “do this”, “do that”.

I recognize these are all suggestions meant to help me. But…much like the Domme thing. I feel, genuinely feel, with my entire being that this is where I’m meant to be.

I LOVE my business. I adore my clients.

Technically I only need 10 clients a week to support myself, my children, my mortgage, my lifestyle. I am after all a fairly thrifty person (mostly 😉). Ok. Well. I’m lowering my prices so I need 12.5 a week. That’s only 2.5 a day. (Yes I recognize people can’t be split like that. Lol. Don’t be silly. I’m just being accurate.)

I hope and had assumed the area could support me. I am hoping on a wing and a prayer that I was right and as difficult as this has been and all the sacrifices I am making; most notably my kids…I still feel like this is what I am meant to be doing.

Not just that but let’s look at this from a business point of view. I inadvertently put myself in a bind by not having a plan B for income past 6 months of my business inception. The adequate time for any start-up to be financially successful is generally understood to be 3 years. I’ve recently been told this more times than I can count. Ok. Fine. What’s done is done. If I sold the house right now, as it stands…I would maybe walk away with $2k. Meanwhile I invested $60k into my house and business combined not to mention over 2 years in planning, training and execution. So. Yea. All that would be for naught.

How many people can say they LITERALLY clean shit for a living and LOVE it?*

I love helping people. I believe in this therapy because it saved my life and I’ve seen firsthand the benefit to my clients and they are so grateful and I am so honored to be able to do that for them. To impart what I know, show them love and genuine concern and five of myself to them. So really 3 clients a day is enough. I just have to get there.

Lord help me get there. I’m going to work like a dog to make it happen and if it doesn’t…well…it wasn’t for lack of trying.

This is all I have. This is it. I ain’t got no more. Lol


*Not the shit part….don’t be weird. Ok. I apologize. I know some people are truly into skat. It’s not my thing, but again. It’s fine with me. Age and consent. That’s it. All else is fair game. Anyway…

Domme in training

Soooooo. I can only hope what Blake says is true and that for every Domme in the Portland area there are approx 2000 subs. I see several issues with my exact situation though.

The most important being that I like to switch and peg. The other being that I have almost no experience in the Domme arena other than pegging and my natural bossy, bratty and bold tendencies. Not to mention the minimal and somewhat incorrect training I got from the previously talked about party (which he himself expressed).

I love all the things a Domme can and should do within the confines of a FLR but I don’t know if I can pull it off 24/7, not because I don’t tremendously enjoy being pampered and not because I don’t necesitate being in control*, but because sometimes I have an absolute need to switch. ** I also have an uncompromising need to be able to turn off my brain and just go with the flow, which I revert back to letting the man take control or just needing space to myself.

I have an ad on fetlife. A personal ad. I let Blake write it for me based on my requests. It has attracted some interesting characters, including a few curious and more docile seeming Dominants; and some curious and oh so willing to please in any capacity subs, including topping. I have one viable candidate so far…a Dom.

We’ll see. I’m not jaded as much as apprehensive. He has never been a submissive. He does not understand the play structure. He does not address me properly nor put forth great effort to make me feel cherished. You would think, as a vanilla or Dom might, that this is an earned value but then you miss the entire premise of the game.

It is after all a game. No less serious than the game of work, the game of sports, the game of…(ad whatever passion you can think of here). It is a rather serious matter because it can lead to a place of magical realizations. Hard to explain. You don’t know until you know…and that isn’t until you try it first hand really. Maybe this needs further explaining to someone who hasn’t quite wrapped their head around the dynamic of a D/s relationship; which maybe I can do another time if anyone desires. I am no expert in this field by any means though, I’m just a quick study. Lol

So anyway…..he has started off rather incorrectly already. Hmmmmmmm. I’m a little conflicted. I do enjoy putting men through some hoops and he has passed the initial ones so far. If he keeps meeting those vanilla (to me) standards, which really Dominant men find off-putting then I think I will meet him. Why?

Because you never know exactly when a casual meeting turns into a (hopefully lifelong) torrentially passionate love affair. Now do you? If we all knew that maybe we wouldn’t have half the societal problems experienced.*** But would we have as much fun as we sometimes do now, trying to find it? Hmmmmmmmm

That’s too deep of the question for my level of exhaustion.

Goodnight my sweet little deviant pets.



* (with an actual severe aversion, most of the time, to being told what to do****) but

**Maybe this could stem from an overwhelming desire to please and make happy those I love. But

***I don’t want to go into a deep philosophical monologue here about how we are sex/love driven creatures that do almost everything we do in life for one and/or the other. It seems rather commonly understood to me anyway. No?

****not of course if it’s done lovingly, with my best intentions at heart, preferably explained to me to my comprehension in a gracious manner. Lol. Is that too much to ask?


Ok I have work to do. Head down. Don’t expect to hear from me for a few days. I feel like I just wrote an giant non-comprehensible allegory anyway.

Like I told the persistent lover today “be patient”.

I don’t think he will get another shot; although he did promise to let me tie him up and spank him next time we are together and then promised me it would be “better”. Which I find so endearing because it was fine. It was just vanilla. I like vanilla, but I like variety a lot more.

Speaking of…I want to get some cock rings for the playroom and learn about milking a prostrate; for my own edification. Fun, fun!!