Slow the Fuck Down

OMG

I went over a curve today with both kiddo’s in the car. We all laughed, and no one was around to see but still.

Geesh

I’m running at a frantic pace to try to “beat the clock”. I never liked stressful games. Chess is more my speed and not the timed kind; the kind you play leisurely.

Paul told me if he was a girl he would drive like me. I was just starting to drive and I can’t say I’ve gotten too much better, more defensive, slow and cautious. It’s not like I get in accidents, tailgate, get tickets, run over anyone or anything like that. I think all people drive a bit frantic when they are stressed, in any aspect*…anyway…add to the stress that…

of course I am on a cleanse as well; because I needed more fuel for the fire. Lol

It’s all rather comical really. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or both. I’ll just shake my head in disbelief.

I’m loving my business. I am gaining clientele and great networks at a clip now, but not quite where I need it to be…yet.

I’m moving forward. Just moving forward but I have soooo many stakes in the fire and so many tasks to complete and so much to keep up on.

I was laughing with the older woman at the checkout today. She was telling me about the cute fluffy kitty she has and how that was enough for her and I was telling her about my 3 kids, 2 cats and a dog and telling her it was sheer craziness and that even through all this I can see that one day I will miss this and so

I embrace this right now…arms wide open with my heart on my sleeve bleeding love. I try to appreciate what I have while I have it. I really do.

I’ve just got one life here. I’m just trying to use it wisely. I never said I was particularly good at this though. In the Chose Your Adventure books I often died…I still loved reading them. lol.

I think I’ve learned enough lessons to be ok though, or maybe I haven’t. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by angels either way. 🙏🏽❤️

——–

*…I would be crazy enough to seriously have been a race car driver given the chance

Clit Ring Saga

I was talking to John today. He reminded me that I haven’t looked into getting the clit rings I had been so very excited about a few months ago.

That just seems like a sure fire way to fall off the wagon. I am at my limit for sexual frustration and if they do what they say they do; which is dramatically increase sensitivity to the point where even casual rubbing or crossing of the legs sparks sensation then I’d be doomed. There is no way I can put up with that without an outlet beyond the vibrator I utilize now. I know myself too well. I know my pitfalls.

The problem is that if I have the anatomy for it and can get it done then there is a potential 2 month healing process. Which seems like maddening torture if I do have an available partner. Ugghh. What to do? What to do?

——-

John is so sweet to me. He’s the 3rd “sweet rich boy” I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. The first was this cute pudgy Jewish boy I got introduced to by my best friend Paul in high school. He was so tender and kind to me. I remember sitting in his car talking for hours and feeling so cherished and safe. I didn’t want that feeling to end. He took me to his house one day to meet his parent and they were very polite, but I was not what they had in mind and that swiftly ended that.

Then on the heels of that came Mr. Dreamboat. He was my boss at this marketing company. He was a tiny bit older than me and drove a Porsche. He reminded me of a young Andrew McCarthy. He was so sweet to me. He never tried anything, just kept asking me out and waiting for me to open up. The issue was that he made me so nervous that I sabotaged that before it even began. My self esteem was just abysmal then and I could not for the life of me figure out why he was asking me out. He was (as far as I could see) way too far out of my league and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it, no matter how much I liked him. And the fact that he wasn’t pouncing all over me like most guys made it even worse because he obviously didn’t just want me for that. I can still feel that horrible anxiety as if he were here right now. Ugghh, but boy was he dreamy.

I’ve gone out with other rich men, these three are just the best of those. I’m not going to blanket statement men of any financial status as any one thing because that simply isn’t the case. Men come in all kinds of flavors. That’s the beauty of unwrapping them. Lol

“Holding out for a Hero” (Bonnie Tyler)

Okay the song is pretty exorbitant. Some of it at least.

“Where are all the gods? The streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?”
“Fresh front the fight”
“Larger than life”

I mean yes a girl can dream. This girl does dream.

Conversely I also like Regina Spektor’s “Hero” song. I don’t get the “original sin” reference which would make my Catholicism teacher break out the ruler for sure. Some things are better purged from my brain cells. I’ll leave it at that. I’m not curious enough to look it up as I can vaguely ascertain it I think. But I do especially love the

“I’m the hero of this story, I don’t need to be saved” part.

Why are we humans so conflicted always? Why is the human experience so complex and nuanced? Wish that I could just be “A Simple Man” (woman in my case of course) like Lynyrd Skynyrd sings about.

Ho hum…

Could I win the lottery? Marry filthy rich? (Why is it filthy?)  Find a great paying job to help support my brood while I build up my business? These are only three little roads of the many I dream about, but there are millions of paths in life and a single step, a single hesitation can lead me in a completely different direction. I know this for a fact.

So why then allocate so much time dreaming my days away? Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my brain and live exclusively in the moment. Engulfed completely In whatever I am doing from banal necessities to…well…everything else. Lol. But the brain is a difficult mechanism to shut down. Of its own accord it prefers to go into overdrive than go into sleep mode.

Frankly, I’ve decided I’m going to be happy no matter what comes for me, to me, at me. If not happy at the very least accepting and hopefully grateful.

I’m just missing my best friend. I have friends. I have people to bounce stuff off of. I have people to talk to that will genuinely listen and care. But I don’t have an anchor. Someone to take care of me in completely different ways than I will take care of them. To love me and shelter my heart in the way it needs and the person I can love and shelter in the ways they need. I have so much love to give and I miss having someone special to give that to. I ache for that desperately, but not desperately enough to settle.

Honestly I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable or stubborn here. I’m simply waiting to be overwhelmed. But I’m also wanting for it to come naturally, of it’s own accord and for it to be so easy and so moving to both his and my heart and soul that it is unquestionably meant to be.

See…not hard at all. Lol

Where could he be right now? What is he doing? What does  his day look like? What did he eat for dinner last night? What are his fears and aspirations? What keeps him going? I can’t wait to find out everything… and I do mean everything! I can’t wait for that door to open.

Now off to reality for a bit. These bills don’t pay themselves….yet. Lol

——

But you know…sometimes I think I just want to be Billy Joel’s “You May be Right” song character.  So many choices in life. Can I be them all?

Well….not all. Lol

(Okay girl…let’s get going!!)

Sex Addict

I’m the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. This is truly monumental. If you knew me you’d absolutely agree and even hold a parade to mark this impressive feat. Jk. No, no. Hold your applause. Please! I insist. The parade can come later. 😉 lol

Truly though. I feel blessed beyond belief and I couldn’t be happier with who I am as a person and what my life is like on many levels. Now if my finances would fall in line and my relationship status would change to “not available” things would be absolutely phenomenal. I recognize though that of these two faltering areas one is detrimental and one is optional. Except to me both truly are necessary, albeit one has much more pressing immediacy than the other.

But I do so very much miss sex.

Can you be addicted to something you don’t indulge in? I suppose that’s what recovering addicts live with on a daily basis. If so, then I am very much addicted to sex. I absolutely need it. Like water, air, food, shelter. Frankly, I’d rate it above clothes if it didn’t get so cold all the time here.

Sex is absolutely vital to me. It gives me comfort, touch, emotional satisfaction, stress release, passion, pleasure, excitement, fun and happiness. How many things do you know of that (theoretically) don’t cost a penny and provide so many check marks? Now granted all these things only come if A) I really want to have sex with this person and/or B) I really love this person. Otherwise sex with just anyone may only fill one or two of the boxes but definitely not all.

So I guess I’m admitting that there has to be a connection on some level. I mean I’ve once heard of someone having an awesome one night stand and I want to believe it, but chances are that at least one person in that party was faking it a little. I’m theorizing this of course and since I’ve never had it actually happen to me I can’t say for sure. Anyone I ever had really good sex with we kept going with it. Maybe not into a “relationship”, but we didn’t cut it at just one night.

Ho hum. Thinking about sex only makes me want it even more. I suppose they do have sex addiction meetings. I wonder how many people hook up for sex at them. That’s intriguing. I’d definitely go check that out if that were the case. Not to partake of course but to see the action behind the scenes of the main storyline. Often times those are far more entertaining. Lol

I probably sound like some big pervy voyeur but truthfully I’ve just graduated from device based pornography to wanting to see the drama of human sexuality play out in real life. Of course it isn’t in the comfort of wherever I happen to be and there isn’t as much anonymity to it. So there is that. But alas everything has its pluses and minuses. Right?

About Pegging

So here’s the thing about pegging. What happens between two (or more I suppose but all consenting) adults is not anyone’s God damn business. Right? That and we have some pretty yummy nerve endings back there. If you don’t believe me try it for yourself. Gradually please, start with a finger and plenty of lube.  Please don’t you go hurting yourself because I said to try it. Lol

Truthfully I’ve only done it less than a dozen times or so. It’s like the sex club. I’ve gone less than ten times, ever. BUT I enjoy it. Sex should be fun!!  If you’re not having fun you are absolutely doing it wrong. Trust me!!

 

Glutton for Good Sex

Ugghhhhh

Ok. I’m not proud of it.  But I went back for more.  Why?  Because the sex was that good people!  It was so not worth it.  Learning lesson here.  At some point I have to break out the dunce cap and go sit in the corner and think about this further.  It borders on pathetic what I do and have done for great sex.

So there I am in his bed with my head in his nether region…and… nope… no details.  lol.  What did you think I was going to say?

My point here is that NO ONE  controls me, my sexuality, how I love, when I love.  PERIOD!!!  Yes triple exclamation and capital.  EVER!!  End of fucking story.

Thank God I’ve met some really phenomenal men in this single sojourn.  I’m not going to let this sidetrack put me off.  So let’s just keep playing my new single anthem “It’s raining men” until I can figure out which one is mine.  Lol

 

Frustated

Not just sexually, which is already horrible enough. Just so blah about everything right now. I took down the escort website again. Lol. I actually got a few calls, which I did not answer. So I didn’t have anything come out of it. Not that I tried that hard really.

It reminds me of when I did private dancing. I lasted exactly one week and then I realized I didn’t like who I was becoming. One day I’ll have to go into those details. It was an interesting week to say the least. An interesting segment of society exists in the realms outside of sight in the quiet of the deep night.

Ho hum….

My financial footing is just so precarious right now that it has me feeling a bit in shambles. Before I got married I never really worried to much about it. It was easy for me to get good jobs and if I was without a job (which rarely happened) or between apartments, or moving out from my boyfriends house after an argument in the middle of the night it didn’t worry me. I could couch crash or sleep in my car. It was all no big deal. Now divorced with kiddo’s it’s a whole different ballgame.

The moment that divorce was finalized and he moved out it hit me like an avalanche. The pressure of having to maintain a stable income to provide for the family with me as its head was over-fucking-whelming. I immediately had nothing but absolutely utter respect for what men go through because if they feel anything like I felt in that moment it’s fucking intense. I had never felt that kind of pressure before.

The thought of living in my car or bouncing around was simply not an option. I mean yes people do suffer that fate unfortunately, but I would and will do whatever it takes (legally) to not have that happen to my children. I just can’t even bare the thought.

I went into the business I did (my legitimate one) because I have a deep passion for helping people and I know it’s the right space for me to be in. I simply didn’t allocate enough time for realistically building up a business from scratch and I didn’t have a plan B firmly in place.

Everyone should have a plan B. Thank God they exist in both senses, but I was so resolute. So stubborn. Honestly though, had I not been I would have never done it and this is where I really do need to be.

I got a call today from a frantic father that desperately needed help for his son. I am not legally allowed to work with children but I did tell him how he could help his son and much cheaper than I would have done so and it felt wonderful. It made my day but it didn’t bring me a single dollar. Not that I do things strictly based on monetary gain…obviously not. It’s just an observation as to how where I need to be hasn’t exactly been entirely lucrative as I had hoped it would be. I know it will take time, but I am lacking in that right now.

I hope and pray that some financially lucrative doors open soon. Something that makes sense for where I am in life and what I have going on…brood and all.

It’s a long bubble bath night for sure. Really long!! This one will go down in the books. Unfortunately not for 50 shades reasons but alas a girl can still dream. Try and stop me! Lol

Sugar Plum Fairies Come Forth

We all have our dreams. I spend a grandiose part of my day daydreaming. Most of it not sexual, but some of it very much so.

It stands to reason that I have envisioned how this business goes in a sexual fantasy way.  A sexual fantasy for me though, right?   Yes!  Who else would it be for?

In the escort way I completely anticipate in the exact same way as “Pretty Woman” minus…well anyway. Who knows? Lol 😉

Then in the Hostess way I would love to bring my very own submissive with me. To show what it looks like. To let other men and women indulge a little in both kinds of fantasies. (PG-13 gutterheads.)

The Mistress would have me emailing or faxing a 2 page questionnaire so that the experience could be magical from point ay to zee.

Foot fetish. Well. You’d have to know about it to know about it. It’s not sexual in the general sense of the term most people use but it is. Kind of like the above example. Hard to explain. It’s different in the sense that it isn’t about the pleasure necessarily that comes with touching the feet. It encompasses a lot more. Aspects people may not think about off-hand as being sexualized.

Hey. Different strokes for different folks. Consenting adults. All good!! Always. Unless drugs, coercion, psychological abuse, etc is going on. (Sign of the cross here folks). Somethings are so horrid even I revert back to my Catholic roots in prayer. Lol

Hey. Reality doesn’t mirror fantasies….except when it does…except when it’s even better.

Wouldn’t that be fucking fantastic!!! (I’m not necessarily referring to the above dreamscapes either.) 😉

Lazy Mistress

I am busy. Come 5pm I run out of batteries and a bath is the most work I can think to do after that time zone. I make exceptions for dates, friends, dancing, parties, sex and a few school activities for the kiddo’s. For the most part I tend to be home making dinner and getting nestled in for the night.

My brain effectively shuts off. Everyone knows not to even try to discuss anything of seriousness with me after this time because my brain is pretty much mush.  Fun yes. Sure!  Seriousness not so much. No!

So this leaves me at a loss for many things. Reading. Hobbies that involve brain cells. Thinking in logical patterns. It’s truly a wonder that I can even write; but the quiet of the night is the only time I can do it..so that is when it gets done.

So this Domme thing…well. Yes. I’ve been thirsting to be a domme before I even knew anything about BDSM. I started pegging my boyfriends before I even understood the symbolism that it held. It just comes very naturally to me and I can’t say why honestly.  I won’t go as far as to say I manipulate people because that simply isn’t the case.  I do tend to get people to do what I want but that also means giving people what they want. Which means I have to have a grasp on what their deep desires are and give them that so that they in turn can give me what I want and I do so lovingly. I do it with adoration. I do it wanting to give them what they want…ok…yes….maybe at a cost, but never one they can not afford to give.

I do this with everyone. It isn’t sexual per se. But….

I do love being a domme. I love being in complete power of my own sexuality and then completely dominating someone else’s sexual behavior. It’s fucking intoxicating as hell. I lust for it. Deeply!!

So why then do I not exert more energy into becoming one…not just any one of course; a great one. Why?  Ugghhh. I don’t know.

I could give a million reasons but reality is I have not been sufficiently incentivized to do so and it isn’t a priority. I take more enjoyment from it than almost anything else I do yet without having a specific person to unleash it on I just don’t see the point. It’s like learning to paint and never having any canvas or paints to work with. Why would anyone do that?

Maybe if I start booking some Mistress jobs I will find myself in the circumstance of having to learn more; to dominate different personalities. Generally speaking though I find myself a good enough judge of character and deviancies in people to understand what they need.

I guess we will have to see how far that will carry me.

I do one day want a red room. I do enjoy the sexual aspect of playing. And being a Mistress is a part of me that I never want to lose, in fact I have it on my agenda to tap into the power more, to really find my Domme persona and bring her more to the forefront. Maybe only in a sexual capacity…maybe not.

Although truthfully I like myself exactly how I am. I like people to think I’m meek. I have no issue with that at all. When I need to be strong I am. The vast majority of the time. Crying is allowed. Fuck whoever says it isn’t. Lol. Digressing.

There is always room for growth in life. I want to be a fucking fabulous ass Domme. I would like to do that for one really special person but if it becomes a fun job hey….well then fantabulous.  How many people can say that their sexual fantasies are their source of income, especially if we consider that it wouldn’t even involve sex?

Alright life. Incentivize me!!

2 Months

I’m going to take the next couple months to get myself financially stable; one way or another. The universe seems to be leading me in the direction I actually want to go, just not as swiftly as I need. But I will keep working my ass off until the income I need to survive starts to materialize. Good thing I like challenges in life. Lesser souls may have given up by now. My tenacity or sheer stubbornness has a way of helping me out sometimes.

What I didn’t anticipate however was to be blindsided by an unreciprocated love affair. To realize one is not thought of as highly as one wanted or desired as much as one had thought one was can be mildly devastating. Especially when one had the hopes of making something substantial out of the situation. Alas…life doesn’t always work that way. I could sit here and chastise myself for lack of foresight or letting myself get so engulfed…but I’m not sure what purpose that would serve.

I don’t have enough space or time to look at this objectively yet. So I am going to just allow myself these next few months to give dating a backseat. Catch my breath a bit. Get myself organized and stabilized and then charge forth again with my usual bright spirit. I’m going to nurse my wounds for a bit here and redirect that energy towards a much more necessary endeavor.

It’s just too bad that all that dating got me nothing of great consequence; not even a lover. But I had fun. I won’t complain. I am ever so truly grateful to be treated well; to be thought of highly; to be desired.  I pushed myself to the highest of my capabilities working with what I have and who I am. I didn’t expect it to be everyone’s cup of tea but many doors did open for me and that is not something I take lightly or trivially. Deeply honored.

Why I found what I desire with a man that couldn’t give me what I wanted? Well.  Maybe it’s just life laughing at me and asking me to stop taking myself so seriously. Ok universe. Fine. I get it. I’ll laugh again. Just not right this second. Let me pause a minute and wipe these tears. Let me clear my throat and start again fresh in a tiny bit.

2 months. Which when the minutes crawl like slugs and the days seem to drift aimlessly like dandelion petals in the wind may appear like complete lifetimes away. But it’s a goal. A landmark for my soul to look upon in the horizon of what has of late been a somewhat bleak and somber landscape.

Maybe a visit to the sex club is in order. That always cheers me up.