Obsessed

Lately I’ve been really enjoying Ben Howard. His songs aren’t exactly jovial, but that’s just the mood of the moment. Funny that all the songs I’m enjoying start with the letter O. Wonder how purposeful any of this thing called life truly is?

Reminds me though. I have time for one of those*. Maybe I’ll pencil it in quickly.

——

*an o(rgasm)

People are not commodities

Brad says to me “you must think I’m not good enough for you”. This honestly shocks me a little. That he doesn’t know me well enough to know I don’t quantify people that way. It’s not about assigning a value, it’s about symbiosis. Do your values and mine align? Does where you want to go and I want to go in life correlate? Do we bring out the best in each other?

I like to think that in a good relationship you feel effervescent. You have the strength and acceptance; you have the courage to be yourself and relish in who that is because who that is…. in your purest form is worthy of love.

I never seem to get this thing right, but I harbor hope. I leave a space open for it. I’m just trying to enjoy the journey.

DON’T PANIC – favorite authors and books

Probably most of you don’t know that I reference one of my favorite books fairly often on here.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series (please don’t watch the movie it’s horrible)

Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (Same as above, the movies don’t do the books justice.)

Oscar Wilde’s plays. The movies are ok.

Anais Nin – anything she wrote, her letters, her poetry. Enthralling.

Henry Miller – His protagonist are all misogynistic drunkard assholes, but it’s visceral and raw and sexual and like a lot of literature I like and read I tend to put myself into the male characters mind set.

Inconceivable

It’s inconceivable to me that something as ordinary* as the temperature changing can lead to living a life and death situation.

This world blows my mind in it’s extremes. All I can do is try to instead of let it bring me down…open me up….to care more…to do more…to try to make a difference.

It doesn’t take much at all sometimes, and I find just the intention, desire and trying can be more than enough.

—–

*Ordinary in the sense that this is what the earth does. It fluctuates. I’m not going into climate change and weather “engineering”. Too much idiocy surrounding those topics. How about we focus on the things that matter? People. The planet. Staying alive. So simple and yet so mired in tomfoolery. Let the power mongers duke it out. They must have a planet on backorder somewhere. Right? Is my only guess.

Sweet morning delight

The door slams shut. The car drives off. The quiet is welcoming. No need to worry about anything or anyone besides myself. The house is cold. I lay in the reverie of my warm bed. My naked body comfortable and soft beneath the sheets. I reach for my toy.

I long to feel hands touching me. My own will have to suffice. The bright morning light drifts in through the closed blinds reminding me this is the time people have “things to do”. And yet I lounge soaking in the sounds of the cars as they drive by like waves of purpose lapping at the sands. The desire in me mounts.

The need to crest to the top of lust and give way to the sweet release of ecstacy. My eyes still doey from sleep haven’t come into the day. They have no need to see or know of anything beyond the simple pleasure of this tranquility…..

and its ever delicious escape.

Nakie

Oh the joys of being naked. They are so many I can’t even begin to explain. The feel of the sun caressing your entire body. The freedom. The lack of having to wash or pick clothes. On and on. Now. I’m also an ever so tiny bit of a germaphobe, as probably not many of you know. So I don’t go around sitting on furniture naked. That’s what towels are good for. Every naked person should carry a towel or two.😋

Actually I’m not naked all that much, but I’m also not shameful of my body*. I really mostly just sleep naked, but I also don’t purposefully hide my body. I’m not out to make my kids uncomfortable or attract peeping Tom’s. It’s just not a big deal.

I would love to live in a world where we could be naked if we desired. Where naked was standard and clothes were optional. If that were true we would be much more accepting of ourselves and of aging.

We would appreciate the beautiful young suppleness of a body as much the strength and endurance of an older one. We would appreciate the entire spectrum of a bodies journey and possibilities in all it’s many colors, styles, and glory.

My eldest recently asked me why I enjoyed being naked so much and why don’t I at least wear underwear to bed and I said “It just feels good and my ho-ha likes to breath too.”. She just stared at me, shrugged it off and life went on. I don’t mind explaining myself to my chicklets. I know life can be complicated enough so I’m happy they ask. My view of the world is just one of many they will learn about.

Here’s to many more naked days.😋🙃😂

As an aside…isn’t it funny what when we see aliens depicted in a lot of shows, movies or whatever, that if they are not humanoid in nature they are generally naked. Just funny to me.

—–

*In the sanctuary of my own house.

(Haven’t I said all this already? Lol)

Why care? Who cares?

Well……. everyone needs their own reasons to live.

There is a story trending about a cute, smart, educated, professional woman in her late 20’s that committed suicide. She left a note to her mother apologizing and saying how she found it all meaningless. That neither the good times, nor the bad times brought her any emotion. She had a good life: traveled, ate gourmet meals, great job, etc. and didn’t enjoy any of it.

You know what I have to say? “Oh well.” I could sit here and address her issues but what would be the point. For one, she’s dead already. Not to sound morbid but there is so much wrong with this world that one more “death by boredom” is hardly noteworthy. That these people that commit suicide can’t find meaning to life is while to me completely understandable; also really fucking lazy.

If anyone else feels like committing suicide I say…”do it” but I have one simple request. Don’t be a martyr. Liquidate all your assets so you aren’t a burden. Get rid of all your shit except the few tokens a loved one might possibly want (keep it at one item per loved one) and give away the rest.

I walked into Bottle Drop the other day to get an account and saw all these poor people in this smelly ass place waiting in line to drop sticky, dirty empty bottles into a slot for 10 cents back. TEN CENTS!! It made me wish I was rich or had expendable money to hand them each a $50 bill.

If you can’t find meaning to life and to living fine. I totally get it. We live in a screwed up world with its priorities ass backwards. We live in a world that values things that are of no real value and achews things that add real depth and meaning. We walk around in a superficial, zombie state of mind, never really connecting to each other. I’m just as much a culprit to it all sometimes.

Life isn’t easy. It isn’t fair. Some have it great. Some live in complete despair. You can’t judge a person’s inner sanctum happiness around outer factors. They don’t necessarily correspond. Life may never make sense. But…. this is where one must draw inner strength. This is where one must have courage to find purpose. Courage to find some meaning in the endless stream of bullshit we get handed.

I don’t want a participation trophy. I will give myself my own trophy when this is all said and done. The one that says “I didn’t give two fucks how they told me it had to be done…I found and followed the beat of my own drum…come what may”.

Find the beat of your drum!💖🦋🙏🏽

——

Insane in the membrane

I’m on the second show of the Netflix series “You”. This show makes me realize I still have a lot to learn regarding my desire for “fatal attraction”. My take so far: she’s tiresome, he is captivating and I’m an idiot.

How is it that while knowing ahead of time that he is the “bad guy” I am still completely drawn to him? Can it be, even after all my hard knocks, that I’m still a sucker for the wrong guy?

Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s fiction. I know it’s not me. But if it were me, so far at least, I would very much be flattered and happy to have his attention (minus the kidnapping of course and the thing with the little boy is creepy, yet so far hasn’t stepped over any line). I’m going to keep watching but my sense is that once I stop liking Joe I won’t be at all interested.

Which brings me (speaking of relationship issues) to Brad and I breaking up AGAIN. I just can’t handle the strain of it. When it’s good it’s great and when it’s bad it’s misery. I don’t have the time or energy for the flip flopping. I don’t have the mental agility to fix it and I don’t have the wherewithal to muscle through it. At this point the excruciating boredom of being single actually sounds a bit appealing.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to even try. I still have this deadline looming. I’m just going to plug ahead, trying to figure out what I’m suppose to be doing and how. I met with a lovely naturopath today, but I’m not holding tight to anything right now. Like I told God after the meeting. “It’s up to you.” I’m done worrying and stressing. This is not to say I won’t keep working and striving and pushing forward. Just that more than anyone God knows where I want and need to be and since I don’t have that clear picture in my head I can’t let it stress me.

I wish I did have a clear picture. It would probably be much easier if I did, but there are so many factors at play; so many balls in the air, so many possibilities. Truthfully, I’d be happy with any of the options presented so far. It’s just that none of them are firm yet. It’s almost like I have all these doors open and they all seem like great choices but they all have some hurdles as well and I feel like I just have to keep living moment to moment in the present to get to a point where it becomes crystal clear what needs to happen.

The healing is magical and extraordinary and I love it but I feel I still need and want more training and experience.

Working in tandem with a naturopath is sometime I’ve been wanting from the start and finally seems to actually be plausible. To what extent I am unsure though as adding the Gerson Therapy would require a huge time and money commitment, to the point where I may possibly need an outside investor. Then there is the third option and possibly even more.

I know exactly what I need. I need a baseline of financial security. How I will achieve that I am completely uncertain of. Have I even absolutely ruled out being a professional dominatrix? Hmmmmmmm. Well. Yes. Truthfully. It seems to be moving farther away of its own volition, but maybe that’s also because I had Brad to satisfy me.

It’s really quite interesting to straddle so many worlds; to wear so many hats. Is it funny that even with so much uncertainty, even with so much at stake I still feel lucky? I still feel so happy a grateful to have so many great experiences and be presented with opportunities and dreams I never even invisioned having 5 years ago; even though it all can all still feel a little bit overwhelming and scary too.

I’ll be honest here though. I hate being single. I hate not having at least a lover. But right now with so much happening, and my kiddo’s (two of which are currently sick) and my own extreme need for self care……well……let’s be real here. It just doesn’t seem possible. Look….I tried. Right? We all saw I tried. I gave it all I could. I can’t keep pushing this barrel uphill. I’ve got to let life take me where it wants me to be and that’s hopefully a place of more ease.

Wishing you all more ease and a great weekend. I’m just hoping mine doesn’t involve any puking. 😝

🙏🏽🦋💖💋

Shaman/appropriation

I don’t care for titles. I’ve had a few in my life. They’re good for when you have to differentiate yourself, but overall I dislike them. That doesn’t mean I dislike the power that comes from the positions themselves and to be clear there is one title I absolutely adore: Master (not that this works outside the sexual realm).

I don’t particularly want the title of healer or Shaman or anything else really. I think just my name suits me great. That way people come just expecting me; that seems a very fair expectation.

——–

So many cultures complain of appropriation, yet I’ve never heard a “white” person say that. I don’t have a political commentary here. Everyone has some valid points in their grievances I’m sure. Otherwise they’d just be wasting their valuable time and energy and that seems idiotic.

I remember reading that on an Indian reservation I used to gamble on they had a beautiful tree that they performed rituals under. I would stare at the picture of this majestic tree longing to see it in person and sit under it; knowing that opportunity was unlikely to arise.

I think every culture, even what people claim to be the non-existent US American culture, is beautiful and fascinating and has it’s merits. But I tend to look for the good in things and people. It just so much more fun that way.

Happy Thursday!

🦋🙏🏽🤗💖💋