Open letter to Selena Gomez (5 times)

I was once asked how many times in a row I’ve had sex, which I found a very interesting question. Technically the number is 4; except we went to sleep and woke up to have more sex so I like to think it was 5 times. 5 times within much less than 24 hours with the same man…my boyfriend at the time.

The reaction I got when I answered the question was even more interesting. He said something like “Yea, I can believe it”. It still makes me laugh; for starters because why would I lie and then just the way he said it sounded like the hugest compliment. But then… years later I found myself in a sexless marriage.

I remember a few years into my marriage when I found out the lead singer of Blink 182 had taken a vow of chastity. I actually wrote him a letter. I told him something very similar to what I would like to say to Selena Gomez who along with Justin Bieber have taken a similar vow.

Dear Selena:

Adore you but please stop with the nonsense. You two are gorgeous specimens of human beings and you obviously outside of the drama have mad love for each other. The fact that you need a chaperone is even more hysterical… all that passion wasted.

I would get it if you were both younger and virgins and saving yourself for marriage. This is not that. You’ve already had each other. Life and passion is not promised to anyone. You may never come this way again. Why deprive yourself of ecstasy? For what end goal? Statistically speaking your relationship will not last anyway. Sorry!

Meanwhile though, you could be indulging in experiences that no one can take from you as opposed to having to endure the torture of abstaining. I hope it’s all a gimmick and that you truly are having sex, because OMG what a waste if not. Now I’m not saying go have babies; although they would probably look just like real cherubs. I’m saying don’t deprive yourself of an experience you truly desire that despite societal constraints is natural and normal and beautiful and powerful. Girl….go get some.

This is of course just my feeble opinion…but ugghhh. I would be fucking that boy every moment I absolutely could, where I in her shoes (at her age, definitely not now).

So yea…5 times. No one can take that from me. No regrets!! Not a one.

Gym Bunny Seeks Love

I’m not sure which is worse. This driving myself crazy thinking about some love I haven’t found, have no idea what it looks like and even less idea how to get to…or the men vying for my attention.

I was at the gym today and there was this man; older, not bad looking. He was not my type per se. The thing is…I don’t date gym guys. Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t want to have to switch gyms. I’d rather just keep that as my sanctuary and not interact with anyone; girls included. I recognize that because I work from home and my life is not very social right now to begin with this really limits the possibilities of meeting someone.

It is a conundrum. I’m lonely. I’m wanting, but my life is in flux right now due to my finances. Doesn’t seem quite fair of me to take anyone on in my life with so much up in the air. I could very much use the oasis of someone to love, the intimacy of sex and the comfort of holding someone at night, but…


I hate sentences that start with but. Butt is altogether a much better word.

I can’t stop people from giving me attention; nor quite frankly do I want to. It’s a nice compliment. Especially when they make minor fools of themselves trying so very hard, like today. It’s cute. It’s genuinely endearing…maybe I should give a guy a break, even if it is at the gym. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about all the things I can’t seem to control.

Ho hum. Maybe.

Kama Sutra

I can’t wait to have a steady fuck again. If and when I find “the one” I want to try tantric sex. If I find anything in between here and there I’d love to run through the Kama Sutra poses. Maybe not all; I’ve heard some are way too much, like beastiality.


I do hot yoga, I’m double jointed, and I have a high pain threshold. So you can imagine what that means as far as sexual positioning goes. Unfortunately I was stuck in a 14 year sexual limbo and been single a year and a half now as well. Soo. I haven’t run through that many poses…yet. I’ve done the standby’s. The normal ones most everyone I’m sure has done or seen or heard of. So that’s about under a dozen and a quick glance at the google gaggle says the KS is 64; doesn’t seem enough to really include beastiality. Maybe I need to really look into that more. But then again I don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Lol

I’m striking my nails against the side of my claw foot porcelain tub. Pinkie, ring finger, middle, pointer. Over and over. Rhythmically. Waiting. Just waiting.

Somewhere; you are out there. Sweet dreams my love. May you dream of the Kama Sutra and me…💋❤️

Energy Shift

And no I don’t mean the kind that happens during sex. Lol

I went to see a life coach/energy healer. She was amazing. Simply amazing. I got concrete logical strategic advice that helped clear a few things; like how much time I spend now on my various projects vs how much I should be spending to maximize my focus and to achieve the desired outcome. Then I also got a mental and energetic shift which I very much needed.

She was able to get me to see that asking for help does not have to come from a place of meekness. It can come from a place of courage and generosity on both parts. It’s a win/win situation, not a loss/take one. It is not disempowering. It is acceptance of what is being offered along with the gratitude that that brings. It is a place of happiness for all concerned. It is also a place of being able to offer from my part that of which I am of value. I have A LOT to offer and that is the space I am needing and wanting to inhabit and before today I didn’t even know that space existed in the ramifications of asking for and accepting help.

We all have an inherent instinct to help. We really do and it’s a base need to give that love, to give that energy to someone outside of ourselves. I’ve been such a bad accepter all my life and that stops now.

Tony during the holidays was trying to give me what appeared to be a wad of about $500 in 20’s and I knew he meant it with the most sincere kindness and generosity of spirit and I declined it. He wanted so much to give it. At the time I thought it would endear each other too much. He wasn’t divorced yet.

Side note: It is so not fair to make someone go through that. Frankly; one needs to get divorced for reasons that DO NOT involve anyone besides the ones married. Secondly, it is my firm belief that people need AT LEAST a year after a marriage to figure out who the heck one is again…alone. Just oneself. Thirdly, it’s just selfish to make someone go through the drama and emotional roller coaster that is divorce and post divorce. It’s not fair to let/make someone stand beside one through that ordeal. Sucky!!! All the way around. Divorce is hell! That’s my motto. Now again. To each his own and every rule has exceptions, but that’s my take as of now.

So yes. Back to my point. An energy shift was much needed and so appreciated. My miracle hasn’t shown itself yet; but it will. I gathered a conference of angels…mine, the children’s, the pets, everyone’s that has loved me, anyones angels that I’ve loved, the angels of those that have kindness in their hearts for me and those that I have touched and well as those that have touched me…and no I don’t mean sexually. Although that isn’t a bad thought either. Lol


I called a conference of angels to help find the way. With a strong delegation like that there simply is not a way it won’t manifest. (Double negative)


On another note

prior to that I squirted again tonight. It was slightly gritty, not as sweet smelling but not a bad smell with no taste whatsoever. It just depends what my diet is how that goes. After sushi guess what it smells a little like. 😂😝


this time it happened while not even thinking of sex or anything remotely sexual. My body must be trying to tell me something…

I’m pretty sure I know what it wants. The difficulty isn’t in getting it; the difficulty is that I’m trying to abstain. Ugghhhhh. Being celibate sucks!!! My libido is so high. I need sex like 2-3 times a week to be satisfied. More is ok, less is just not; but random sex just isn’t my thing. To each his/her own. Right? So I wait and it builds and heaven forbid I be around virile men…like the gym, or just wherever. My heart starts to palpitate. Doesn’t everyone love the smell of men?

And then…

to find that one smell. That one man that really sets ones soul on fire. Oh my!! I know where this night is going. Maybe I need to break out that cordless new vibrator I haven’t even taken out of the box yet. Am I getting wet again? Shhhhhhhhh

Wet Dreams

I had my first official wet dream last night. Two actually. I woke up wet both times. I’ve orgasmed in my sleep before many times but have never actually gotten wet from them.

It seems like there’s been a huge sexual awakening within me. I feel like I’ve found my genuinely sensual side. I always had one because I’ve always been extremely tactile but now it goes so far beyond that.

I recently got my underwear so wet I had to double check it wasn’t pee. It was vaginal. I thought it tasted and smelled pretty good too. Ever so slightly tart like a sweet key lime pie, with a mild not at all unpleasant scent. Tasting it turned me on. What can I say? I’m such a perv.

I can’t wait to Domme again. I want to go to the tailors and get this outfit made so I can look sexy and dominant and sensual as hell…but that isn’t on the agenda right now. It’s just a pleasant thought.

I’m about to nap. I’m not feeling that great today. Lightheaded. Mild headache. I don’t normally nap but it’s just that kind of day. I’m going to listen to my body and take care of myself. I have a client at 5 and then a long bubble bath. Sunday’s are generally the day I (unofficially) just lounge around. If I put on clothes it’s an eventful day. But I have to take work when I can and I adore Jennifer and know she really needs it so…worth it on all accounts.

Off to rest my pretties. 💋

Undying Love

What a ridiculous week I’ve had.

Where to even begin? Ugghhh.

Let’s see…

Two men professed their legitimate and heartfelt undying love for me. I met a sugar daddy who made it very obvious he wanted me and that he has a lot of money. Which I already knew he did, he just made it so over the top obvious, flashing his diamond encrusted watch at me, his brand new car and literally offering me money. Frustrating!!

To make matters worse I didn’t get a really good job I had applied for. I passed all the testing but unfortunately failed the 7 panel interview process. But to top it all off, I may be having to give over custody of my kiddo’s to my abusive, emotionally immature and manipulative ex-husband because I can’t cut it right now.

I blame Valentine’s Day. As far back as I remember this day has been cursed for me. It’s why I don’t make a fuss about it. I try and pretend it doesn’t exist and do the absolute least possible. This year I bought a tiny little something for each kidlet and called it a day and yet still didn’t avoid the blasphemous curse.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do right now. I’m at a very serious crossroads with no easy or even just obvious path in sight. I had hoped this year would be better than the last few I’ve had but it’s started out pretty harsh so far. It’s so odd.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve accomplished a lot of personal growth and hurdles from and including my divorce and abusive childhood and I’m the happiest with myself as a person I’ve ever been and yet…what has that gotten me?

I was reminiscing with (Aaron) one of my ex-boyfriends today and remembering how his mother thought I wouldn’t make a good wife. The funny thing to me about that now is that I was an excellent wife (even by my ex-husbands standards) and to this day Aaron never married. At the time I wanted to be married to him more than anything in the world. Life sure does throw some curve balls. Now, while I still care for him deeply, I would never consider a relationship beyond friendship with him…

My point is that I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t get it. Other times I’ve thought I known what I wanted and gotten it only to be like “oh no”. Like meeting that sugar daddy today. Like the one and only time dating a married man who actually did leave his wife for me…only for me to realize I was never going to trust this man and it had all been a huge mistake from the get-go.

Now; I knew exactly where I needed to be. I did everything necessary to get myself there and I absolutely love the space I inhabit and yet…I could scream!!!

I’m so sick of this hard-knocks life but I don’t want to use the resources offered to me (as far as men go). I just can’t! I can’t! It has to mean something. It just does. I need it to be real or be a bonafide business transaction.

I really just never wanted any of my actions to affect my children. I would do anything in the world to ensure their happiness and safety and the thought of them being away from me rips me to my very core. My ex was barely able to control his happiness at me admitting I have failed too. Technically maybe failed isn’t the best word but I’ve definitely been sidelined…that’s for sure…and all I can hope at this point is that I don’t lose my business or my house.

Something will come through. Something has got to happen. Some miracle. It’s not like I’ve been sitting around eating bon-bons, drinking Pabst all day and watching Days of our Lives. I’ve been working my ass off. I’ve been networking, marketing, adjusting, improving, building my business up. The 6 months I allotted was simply not enough time; which was a HUGE misstep on my part. A year from now is much more feasible.

But now what? What do I do now? Right now? I just don’t even know anymore. I guess I keep moving forward, nose to the ground, working, having faith, moment by moment, day by day, until it opens up; until it all works out. God let it work out…

Tied up in Knots

So I went to Deviant night at the sex club. I expected a bit more deviancy and inclusivity. Not as many gay, gender neutral or the such, but even one is more than what I’ve seen in the past.

There was one girl being hung from the ceiling. She was gorgeous and had a beautifully mesmerizing smile and only a pair of lace undies on. She was a marvel to stare at. It was like a live art installation.

There was a good mix of people; and a lot of boys and a few men. One man I would have talked to but I was surrounded by boys and didn’t pursue it. I did get a lot of attention. Almost every man in the room stared at me and one attractive woman gave me a side glance that was thornier than a porcupines quills. So I know I was looking good, but I really wasn’t feeling it.

The music has never been great there. The food is decent but who goes to a sex club for the food. Maybe I’ll have to wait to have a lover or boyfriend to go again. The voyeur act is wearing on me a little. Watching all these people play and have sex isn’t doing much for me really. Dare I say the thrill is gone?

Ho hum.


So. I’m going to revamp the blog because it’s become way too personal and gritty. No one wants to see the underpinnings. No one wants to see the dancers bloody feet and ripped stockings. They just want to be part of the grand illusion. I don’t have the luxury of being all too human and quite unintentionally fallible…not if I really intend to make this a business.

So if anyone is keeping up; which is doubtful to begin with. There ya go. Expect a more commercially viable blog before the weekend is up. Stiff upper lip people. Stiff upper lip. It’s all good!

Deviants Galore

I’m going to the sex club tonight. I need it like a shot in the arm. I need it to fuel my fire. Today was rough. I cried most of the morning.

I must not be looking in the right direction. All I see is darkness and while I don’t mind the dark; I know the light is here somewhere. I’ve just lost sight of it momentarily.

Lip Service

So I’ve decided effective immediately I’m going to start tithing 10% of my income. Granted I don’t as of yet have said income really but regardless any little bit I bring in will now go before expenses and taxes right to those I want to help.

For me that’s the homeless. Maybe because I’m so close to being one. Lol. No. Not yet. Thankfully. But I have been home deficient several times in my life bouncing around in a car or at peoples houses. That hasn’t been for decades but you never do forget things like that. It sucks!! Not knowing when or what your next meal will be. Not knowing if you’ll be safe at night. Not knowing what the next day brings in any capacity. I suppose some (like traveling monks) could see that as invigorating, but they live in a different culture where people are nicer to the destitute.

Anyway. Point. Yes.

I HATE when people help others in the way they want to help others and not in the way people need help. That’s just paying lip service to feel good about themselves and stop from feeling guilt or any other negative emotion surrounding it. It’s the worst kind of giving and really it’s more like a slap in the face to the people being helped. Even worse those that have means and chose to delight themselves with whatever toys and extravaganzas they want while turning a blind eye to those they know and see are suffering. All the while justifying it to themselves with the “someone else will help them” mentality or even worse the “they need to work for it” motto. One doesn’t know what others struggles are; what they have gone through and are going through in life.

It’s beyond comical. It borders on cruelty I think. The worst part is people aren’t acting with cruel intentions just pure selfishness and lack of compassion and regard. It’s the hypocrisy of thinking “I’m such a good person” and yet not really coming from a true place of benevolence, but more from a “this will make me feel good” stand point or worse turning a blind eye completely.

This is why I only give the homeless cash. Ok. Maybe it’s enabling but maybe it isn’t. Maybe they are going to use it for good. Maybe they’ll save it. Maybe they’ll share it. Maybe they’ll use it for some basic necessity. Who knows? Who cares? Whatever they use it for is their choice. That is what they need. That is what they are asking for. It is NOT my job to judge them. Yes it is my money, but I can’t pass people on the street that I see in need that I know I can help and not help them.

I can’t live in that kind of world.

Now….drum roll please.


Single mommyness is hard. So hard. Oregon has the most expensive childcare in the nation. Ugghhh. I could go on and on. Who cares? I don’t even care about the reasons why I find myself here as much as just trying to get myself out of this the best way I can think of.


I am starting my escort service up again. I guess I have to figure this out once and for all. In retrospect well… sure there are things I could have and can do differently. Does that even matter? If we’re looking to play the blame game then I rule that everyone involved along with everything that has happened played a part, and that of course includes me at the forefront. I would be an idiot to not see that aspect of it. But I’ve always hated playing that stupid game anyway.

Who knows what will come of this. I’m hoping something fun and positive. I’m staying open to the possibilities. I guess we shall see. This will definitely put a crimp in any ideas of dating I had I suppose.