My latest obsession
I wanted love to come forth like a torrential storm from him. Which it did at the beginning before we had sex. I can tell you exactly the moment it all turned; but that is neither here nor there. Is it? All I know is he can’t give me what I really want and I simply won’t settle for less. But let’s start where most things start; with the introduction.
I remember when I saw his profile pop up on Tinder. I recall seeing it months earlier on another app I had tried. OKCupid I think. I had swiped. He did not…or so my memory serves up. Regardless I was happy to see him again and I was even more thrilled that he swiped on me. The conversation went well. He agreed to my stipulations; which didn’t surprise me.
What eventually surprised me was how many men thought I was making them jump through hoops unnecessarily. Which I find comical. But let me try not to digress too much here.
The moment I saw him I knew I liked him, even from afar. We talked easily and I was impressed by his candor and intellect. He caught me completely off guard when he told me he was a dominant out of the bedroom. I mean yes I saw in his profile it clearly said Dom…but how is one to assume he meant 24/7. I didn’t even know such a thing existed frankly. I am all for play but this idea struck me as beyond odd. Why? For who’s benefit? It sounded tiring, not fun and like way too much work.
I tried momentarily to put myself in those shoes and I let him take the lead while we walked through the trails of the garden in the rain. Yes it was romantic as fuck….to me at least. Digressing. Acquiescing did not work at all for me. It felt contrived and forced and just wrong….but he still intrigued me.
When we got back to our cars we kissed and it was a really great kiss. He wanted to continue the date and I agreed happily. He was polite in my changing the venue twice before settling on sushi, but I could see the smoldering irritation underneath.
At the meal he stared at me intently while I alone ate. It was strange but thrilling. Obviously not typical behavior but not off-putting either. At least not to me, but then I’m sure you’ve gathered I have virtually no boundaries.
It was when he began pulling my hair that I was jerked back to his insatiable desire to control. I didn’t mind it per say. I just didn’t like it in that environment, with children at a table across from us. When he went to a more discreet leg pinching I jumped in a thrilling disbelief that this was happening and at the sharp pain which I found myself really enjoying.
Once I got home that night and was better able to process the afternoon I realized that I was not cut out to be a submissive 24/7 and I wasn’t about to waste anymore time with him, no matter how appealing and cute.
I texted him some remark about being nice to meet him and being incompatible. To my great surprise he turned the tables on me and asked me to be his Domme. I had been contemplating my desires to both control and be controlled for some time and had looked into a few meetings and clubs but never followed through.
Yet here he was challenging me to the very deep dark desire I had always wanted to explore. Needles to say I fell right into the trap. Date 2 and 3 were a whirlwind of excitement and lust. So many romantic fantasies fulfilled at a dizzying pace that I couldn’t catch my breath. It was fucking awesome. Then the rug got pulled again.
Date 4 I believe. I had said from the beginning that I like sex clubs. I have a bucket list of sexual fantasies. Monogamy isn’t my thing. I want to play. However I want a relationship and I want play to be together. He however, while agreeable at first now asked me; while we were making out in his bed mind you, “if this turns into a relationship, can I still date?”, to which he then turned and dominated me into calmness…because I was a bit (rightfully so) angry and bitterly confused. We ended things swiftly; via text again. Yep. I hate conflict and it takes me a while to digest my feelings.
Soon after that (a day or so) he told me he would comply with monogamy or my version thereof and we commenced again. Soooo. Things were going great. He was in Hawaii and we maintained almost constant communication and talked over the phone. The kinds of conversations you remember having in high school or college that just went in all kinds of great directions and you never wanted it to end. Fucking….. I was taken. To be honest I can tell you the exact moment I knew I would love this guy madly…but I refuse to say right now.
Anyway….I picked him up at the airport. Mind you, we haven’t had sex yet. I wore velvety wine colored short shorts under a simple tank and my come fuck me (pretty woman) white fluffy jacket. It was the look on his face though. It was not right. I could tell I was not what he remembered or expected. The kiss we had was beyond awkward and the conversation on the drive to his house felt forced and confusing. I was still trying so hard though. My heart was still beating so fast at the excitement and knowing we would be having sex. It really was all I could think of at the time. Plus, I just knew in my heart we could turn it around. We did have sex. It was a few good notches above average; for me at least.
What I didn’t know at the time is that he needs a constant flow of power. Either me controlling or him controlling. He can’t just do plain. He can’t do vanilla. It has to be charged, even though it didn’t have to involve pain or humiliation, per say. Bear with me as these are all new concepts to me still. If I understand this correctly he needed that extra layer or he simply didn’t want to partake. He had graduated away from “the norm”*. I did not understand or know the extent of it then. I also did not know then that no matter what I try or how I tried it he didn’t really want to be my submissive outside the bedroom. He kept saying he did and thinking he did but his actions always suggested elsewise and he never could acknowledge this.
The next day once I got home he texted me that he still wanted to date me but I was not “his happily ever after”. I was devastated. I cried for over 24 solid hours laying in bed. My girls flocked around me and I tried to make them understand I was ok. We are all allowed our sadness sometimes. To my oldest I explained that this is what heartache looked like and to make damn sure the boy who causes it be worth this much pain. We laughed and then I kept crying. All fucking day and night in bed. No food. Only enough water to sustain my tears. Still stings thinking of it.
And yet. I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to let go. I should have. It would have been easier. But no……I kept texting and texting him and he obliged me again…oh because upon hearing him say what he said I went off on him and broke up with him again. Lol. So here we are back in again after how many break-ups?
Mind you. We have known each other all of less than a month here. Lol. OMG. I can only laugh. The intensity. The fun. The sex. The drama. I ate it all up. Gobbled it like the Halloween candy you stuff in your face on the walk home from trick-or-treating so your parents don’t see you eat it. It was just that fucking good. It felt that awesome.
I can’t tell you know how much of it was fiction and how much was sheer adrenaline fueled lust. I was always completely honest and well…..I like to think he was too. I have no reason to believe he wasn’t being so. Which makes this ending even more tragic.
He and I share this link that few people would understand and we also share this brokenness. Like his insides (feelings/soul) and my insides make a puzzle. They meld together seamlessly. And I like to think that he saw that to, or why else would he have tried so hard. I don’t know.
I’m a very capable person (don’t look at this last job title for reference though). Smart, driven, fun, kind, can laugh at myself and life, mostly happy and almost always mellow, although maybe he didn’t see so much of the mellow, because my heart always raced the Grand Prix when he was nearby.
I can start a business, give speeches, organize huge events, speak geek, make people at ease and enjoy myself doing it.
I can parent with aplomb, making dinners, keeping agendas, sharing touching moments and trying to let them be who they are while also being there for them when they are uncertain and scared.
But I can’t for the life of me master this relationship thing. The happiest I felt recently was when I was controlling the relationship. When he was giving in to me and opening his entire world to me. Letting me in and letting me orchestrate it for him. It was invigorating and I also felt this deep obligation and even stronger desire to have always only his best interest at heart…from my point of view but with his point of view in mind too. Which I wanted him to thoroughly enjoy. Ugghhhhh. So confusing. How do you domme what you want them to do for their own good versus what they want to do or don’t want to do because that is their desire to do or not do? Confused yet?
Who cares? Right? Who gives a fuck? That should be the title of my sex book. I need to move on. He has made it perfectly clear numerous times that he can’t give me what I want and yea…..I said this already. Lol
*the norm to me allows for more genuine intimacy. It’s not experiential intimacy like bondage is where the thrill of the experience itself binds you. It is more a melding of hearts and maybe this is what he really didn’t want. Maybe that was the real fear he needed to conquer, or maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe I simply truly am not what he wants. My heart yells at me to go to him and my mind tells me to stay put. So I guess it’s better that he doesn’t want to see me. It’s better for me….not in the sense that he isn’t what I want because currently he is but in the sense that he refuses or simply to can not give me what I want and I am not going to settle…..not when it comes to love. I’ve been waiting my whole life for him, but if he can’t see that then maybe he wasn’t the right him after all and I have to just accept it and move on.