The bet

She pushes her way in the door with her 6″ velvet red heels. They may be Mary Janes but they will kick ass as needed, when needed. If he did as he was told he was to be naked on his knees with a red scarf over his eyes. With his legs spread as widely as possible so as to cause discomfort and some pain….. throbbing even.

“Damn!”- she didn’t break anything. She had hoped but oh well. She was here to have fun. She was there to make this weekend the most thrilling, erotic, bordering on unbearable, life changing epiphany of ever, being completely submissive to someone else’s whims. She knew how thirsty he was. She could see how much he truly longed for the challenge. Now she could really play along. Now she could really see into his depths and worth. Now she could make the ground shake for him. His worlds build and collapse over and over. Hopefully having been rebuilt stronger, better, happier, more stable.

We all have beasts that long to be tamed. We all are beasts that long to be longed for. We long for true meaningful connection.

Blah blah blah

I guess I’m saying it all works or can work. Lol

It can all be a lot of fun!!!

Thanks for the inspiration Sans4472. πŸ’‹β€οΈπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒˆπŸ₯°

Misfires, anal sex & colonics

My brain has been misfiring a bit lately. Stress? Change of seasons and weather? Tired? I haven’t been consistently exercising or keeping a healthy diet. It all matters. It all makes a huge difference in the quality of day to day living. I was talking to a client today whose mother has Parkinson’s and dementia and she was telling me how simply changing her diet brought her back from an almost zombie-like state of mind.

——-

Today I also had anal sex for the first time in over 2 years. This is monumental!!! For one because I LOVE anal sex and secondly because I had almost given up hope that would ever be enjoyable again. Long medical procedure gone wrong issue. Let’s just say that getting hemorrhoids lobbed off can have serious consequences. And to think the whole reason I got them taken off in the first place was to have better anal sex and because I was so self conscious about new partners.

So now…… my asshole looks better but it barely functions at all. Seems to not be the point of that body part. I’ve never been a form over function person so I guess karma really laughed at me over this one.

Back to the anal sex. Once he was in all the way it was heavenly. Anal sex is just so much more intense than vaginal sex. Plus my sphincter is so tight I could tell he could barely contain himself. He came within just a few pumps and couldn’t help but tell me how tight I was. I wish my vag was that tight. No amount of kegels will get it to that point but if I am consistent with them I see a vast improvement in my sensitivity and enjoyment rather quickly, not to mention my partners pleasure.

I know the vagina and asshole stretch. I’ve heard (and not seen by choice) of fisting and just today I saw a porn film with 2 mens penis’ shoved into one asshole. The creativity in porn is impressive; so many genres and specialties. And I’m also amazed at what people find sexual. People are soooo interesting. So very fucking interesting.

———

I’m having a colonic right now….. as I type this. It’s a bit of a mental reset for me and it’s exactly what my body needs right now. I was feeling really great when I was doing these a few times a week in adjunct to yoga and eating well. Gotta start back up somewhere. I have the equipment. So I have very little excuse for not using it. There is the work and time involved I suppose.

All things take effort. I want to put my effort into things that will improve the quality of my life. That seems worthwhile to me and I also want to help others improve the quality of theirs. But I have to start with me, leading by example first. Isn’t that how all things should be done?

Still needing a pedicure. Lol

Bomb Theory

Whenever I get a thought I don’t like

For whatever reason:

It stresses me out

It is not positive

It puts me or someone else down

Or just doesn’t feel good

(Now…. be serious… not a thought I need in my head. I’m not a dumb-dumb.)

A thought that is destroying my peace of mind that does not NEED to be in my brain

That is not constructive, productive and kind. It CAN be all 3 but the point is if it isn’t a thought that is good for me. Beneficial!!!

I bomb it!!

Yep

Violent little girls are cool.

And I’m only violent in the safety of my head. Lol. (and sometimes kinky sex) πŸ˜‰

I take the thought, visualize it, take it and blow it up like a bomb or firework. I’ve seen fireworks in real life and they are so beautiful but I’ve never seen a real bomb and hope I never have do…. but I’ve seen enough imagery to have it pretty accurate I believe.

Sometimes I have to bomb something many many times before it finally goes away and sometimes only once does the trick for good. You never know with these things til you do the work. Guess that’s true about most things. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Pain and THC

I love THC

For pain

I’ll tell you what though

It doesn’t always take away the pain

But it takes the edge off enough to function

And even laugh and smile sometimes

Guess it depends on the level of pain and the dosage

Point is

I can not function as a “normal” person stoned

Nope

Just can’t

I know this

Which is why I save pot for night time use

After the kids are asleep time

If I start to get to where I need pain meds during the day

I’m going to have to figure out a plan b

That keeps me sane and healthy

But I’m not going to go there in my mind and soul…. NO!!! (Bomb Theory)

I’m going to focus on getting my juice/vegan diet in check. It’s been a hard start-up. Lol

Easier to do with a lover, friend, community of some sort. Right?

Things happen for a reason

I didn’t sleep well. Then the littlest one was congested with a stomach ache all night so she stayed home from school. Thanks Halloween!! πŸ™„

I then proceeded to put too much fluid into a newer blender assembly I hadn’t used before and it erupted all over the kitchen and my clothes; making for my first clothes change this morning. After that my enema kit broke and in attempting to use a syphon method I dumped an entire carafe of coffee on myself prompting another clothes change. I was about to go on amazon to buy a new system when I realized that (user error aside) the syphon method is easy and requires less parts and less cleaning.

I am starting a juice cleanse today too. I’ve been binging on sugar lately and I need to get the cravings under control before I gain another 10 pounds. I have two clients today and then I’m working on my eBay client items. Should keep me busy all weekend really. I had planned on masturbating this morning. That’s out the door. Fortunately there is always time for that at some point. In bed later tonight in the small, calm quiet works for me.

Happy Friday!!

Consequences

All actions have consequences. I can admit…. I am naive. I am a twit sometimes. I speak from the heart only to be at times misunderstood or judged harshly. I only always mean well. I only strive to be true to myself.

—–

My aunts words were ringing in my ears today. She’s a very devout catholic woman, never misses Sunday church; all her children went to Catholic schools, got married, baptized and confirmed in them. She attends midnight mass every Christmas Eve and all the days of note in between. She has always been kind if not indifferent to me. The one time I asked for her help she came. I was remembering her telling me that “you have to do in life what others see as the right thing to do; you can’t go doing whatever you want, even if it is right…. if others don’t see it that way”.

I completely and adamantly disagreed with what she said and knew even at that young tween age that I could not live my life that way; lived by what other think and say. Worried about judgement. Worried about fitting in or being shunned. Worried about it all. I knew having been shuffled from school to school and house to house and family to family that there were too many conflicting voices out there anyway and that the only one that truly mattered was my own.

It took me 10 more years to really comprehend the importance of that and another 20 more for me to completely embrace and live it.

——

Tonight a friend texted me asking if I was divulging myself too much on here. Maybe. I actually had a very hard time with today’s earlier post because I tried very hard to be as true to my innermost feelings as I could be. I tried my hardest to be vulnerable and open, raw and real. Maybe it is too much. But really…… I mean the name of the blog is Porngirl for goodness sakes. Lol

His point was do I need the attention? Do I need for the whole world to see? Well. No. I don’t need it. What we truly need and what we desperately want in life are sometimes very vastly different; aren’t they?

My life sometimes feels very sheltered and lonely. I recognize that is sometimes by my own doing and choice. I am not lamenting this. I am simply stating that it feels good to put my real self out into the world. It feels very healing and cathartic.

Would it feel the same in a journal as he suggested? Maybe. Probably. I used to journal as a teen and intermittently thereafter and lost almost all of those diaries… which I deeply lament. Truthfully I really don’t have a justification for why I blog. I didn’t think I needed one and frankly I still don’t.

How I see it is…… that I refuse to take the role of the victim. I refuse to carry that weight and burden. I refuse to live a life based in fear. Come what may…… and yes I do pray….. but irregardless….. all this will end and be meaningless one day. All of it!! So I’d rather do what my heart dictates than regret not taking that chance. I want to walk the walk. It can’t be done as a timid little sheep; but you know… even if my roar can only be heard between my two little ears. It is there.

It is there!! Come what may. He asked. Do I worry about my children? And of course I do; what parent doesn’t? If they suffer consequences for my actions (which inevitably all children do) I can only hope that they too can learn to be true to themselves; regardless of the cost and if not this…. that at the very least they can learn to forgive me one day. If this comes to pain them well…. I must then live with that. I’ve sacrificed so much for these kids and I’d do it all again in an instant… undoubtedly. No one will ever truly know the heavy loads I have carried and do carry for them.

But ultimately I’m not seeking or needing anyone’s understanding or forgiveness beside my own here. Because this is me doing my absolute damn best and if no one sees that then so be it. So fucking be it.

——

*funny that this is the same woman my family has accused of going and stealing all the money and property out from her own parents. I didn’t pay these rumors any mind nor do I know if they are true, nor do I care but I also don’t put it past her. Lol

My sexual abuse, sexploitation and rape culture

Being sexually abused really fucks your brain up. It fucks with your sense of (healthy) boundaries, your sense of self and blurs the line between your own desires vs another’s demands/expectations. When my abuse started I genuinely had no idea it was wrong. It was a slow “grooming” that was loving/playful and targeted my deeply curious nature. Truthfully a bit of it felt good, and I enjoyed and craved the attention that no one else was giving me.

I was 8 though and once I recognized what was happening was wrong I was strongly and deeply conflicted. So much so that I truly believe that inner turmoil fractured my psyche as much as the abuse itself. Having to reconcile in my brain how to accept something society deemed unacceptable while sometimes enjoying it, while needing the affection, while not feeling in control of the situation or knowing how to stop it…… if I wanted to stop it and did I want to? It was all so very fucking confusing. I have a hard time reconciling it now let alone at that age.

I know I blocked a lot of it out. I know there were parts I absolutely detested. I know this abuse is the reason why I can’t have foreign objects of any kind, not even dildos in my vagina, because in trying to get me to accept his penis he started with smaller household objects first. I know when I had the small chance to get away from him I did everything in my power to do so…. without ever telling anyone about it beyond my boyfriends and generally only when I had to be in the presence of that person so that my behavior didn’t appear even slightly odd.

I had so much guilt associated with my own abuse. I took so much credit for it and I didn’t understand why. There was so much shame in it for me that in order to combat it I swung in the opposite direction. I not only embraced my sexuality using it to obtain affection and attention, but eventually I learned to truly relish it.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of bad came from the abuse. It put me in the tethers of more abusive men and chaotic behavior. It spiraled me into a deep depression and several suicide attempts. It made me lash out in ways no one understood because no one knew. I have a lot of things to thank for not letting me sink into a depth I could not crawl out of; my strong mother, my intelligence and spirit, God and a myriad of strangers and bit players who came to my aid when no one else was there.

So it probably comes as no surprise that I can easily separate my body from my mind/spirit/soul. When someone insults or abuses or chastises me in my physical form I can easily let it go because I learned from my abuse to compartmentalize things. in my mind my physical body is the least thing that’s me about me….and yet it is the most visible part of me. It is the part that seems to gets the most reaction out of people.

——-

I’ve been thinking this morning of the last time I was raped. I was drunk at a hotel after my ex-husbands work party. He was passed out in the room and I was in my bathing suit hoping to go to the jacuzzi. I met this young guy somewhere along the way and we roamed the hotel drinking and talking. We ended up in this secluded veranda area when he pounced on me and pinned me down. He moved my bathing suit to enter me and initially I was like “fuck….. I’m so drunk… this is happening?? Again!! Really??!?” and I said “don’t get me pregnant” and then let him pump into me until I started to get angered…. enraged actually and I pushed him away with all my force. We wrestled for what seemed like minutes on end until he realized I was not going to give up.

It ended and the rest is cut into fragments of memories. Not having keys to get back into the room, having to find my glasses that flew off my face when he smacked me with his arm while fighting back, telling my husband what happened the next morning over a nasty hangover. It was more uneventful than I make it out to be. I suppose being predisposed to abuse just normalizes it more than I can explain.

I guess also the fact that my own husband didn’t seem to care just helped solidify how trivial an event it was. I honestly haven’t given it much thought since then; at least not consciously so. Shit happens. Drunk shit happens even more. I’m not justifying it. It’s just reality in this society. In a rape culture…. rape happens…. frequently. Go figure.

But that’s not the point of this post. My original point is that I still sometimes put myself in situations of vulnerability….. minus the alcohol. Because I like to think I’m in control. I like to think the majority of what happens to me I want to have or at least consciously let happen to me. Truthfully that simply isn’t the case. I’m not sure in this world that will ever be the case.

——

In a world where sex is a commodity….. the lines between right and wrong, between normal and indecent blur too easily. People seem to be able to justify their own behavior to themselves without a second thought. People talk the talk and don’t walk the walk…. and who is held accountable? Rarely the rich. Rarely the powerful. Rarely those in control of the framing of it. Rarely…. rarely…. rarely anyone. And if you knew how often rape (incest, sodomy, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, sexual coercion, sexuality based discrimination, etc.) happens you’d agree with me.

We live in a world of sexploitation. Maybe it’s changing. Maybe it’s getting a light shown on it. Maybe it’s a reckoning of accountability. I say maybe because as long as the most marginalized keep being marginalized, as long as the most vulnerable keep being targeted, as long as those with privilege and power keep doing as they please, as long as we live in a world where the truth doesn’t matter and accountability is only enforced for some people then it’s all for nought.

You’d think all this would depress me. It doesn’t. All I can do is focus on the few things that I have control over. The things that make me happy. The things that make this life worth living. I have a new mantra I’ve been focusing on lately: L.A.V.E. Stands for:

Love

Acceptance

Vitality

Ease

These are the things I focus on for myself and for those I can bring this too; my loved ones, my friends, family, clients, etc. and I send some to you. May your day be full of LAVE.

πŸ’‹β€οΈπŸŒˆπŸ™πŸ½πŸ™‚

Life choices, BDSM and my need for submission

Mostly in life we make choices without knowing the full consequences of them. I often think about how people don’t know waking up in the morning that this will be their last day alive. They just don’t and it’s better that way I’m sure. But going into BDSM one generally knows that there are many pitfalls and extremes there. While we never quite know how far we can and will take it one can intuit that if not mindful and cautious one can hurt or get hurt rather easily….and I don’t mean that in a strictly physical sense.

I’ve heard many stories first hand of the dangers that lurk in the underbelly of sex and that’s with consenting adults mind you. I can’t help but wonder with Brad and us both being so adventurous and perverted how far we will go. Is it funny that him calling me his “slutty little girl” and giving me permission to fuck whomever I want while he is gone doesn’t really inspire me to do so. I think what Fursissy told me was right. Once I’m emotionally satisfied all else will fall into place.

That will be fully cemented and prove itself true once we actually make love. If that doesn’t happen here within the next few months then I’m going to have to accept the fact that as great as this is…. it’s lacking something I truly need and want and I’ll have no choice but to walk away. I don’t have a crystal ball for how and when and if that will happen. I have “made love” fully clothed without having sex… if that can be believed. It’s a depth of emotion, openness and connection that I am ultimately seeking and while BDSM is hella fun it’s not the end all for me. Love is!

–/-/-

As you all may or may not know I absolutely love power exchanges. I salivate and grunt like an animal at the thought of having a man of my desiring in full submission. The feeling of Domme space is one soooo enthralling and luscious that I simply can’t explain the depths that is takes me to. The headspace it puts me in is nothing short of divine.

I keep thinking I’m drawing away from being submissive and then a deep pang of desire hits me and I get overcome with a need to submit….a need to be utilized for pleasure. A need to not have a choice and to find fear in that. Maybe the span between that desire has stretched out. Maybe once I get satiated I get driven more by vanilla sex than I’m used to. Don’t quite know.

I think I’ll start charting my sexual desires, fantasies and dalliances in a journal. It will clarify it for myself much better than all this guessing and when I’m old and can’t remember any of it will bring a blush to my face. Lol. That alone seems worth it.

Cock Cages for you and you and you

I should pass them out like candy. Maybe I will when I win the lottery. Have my harem after all or just help my fellow woman take control of her man. Look at this yumminess I just got in the mail. I’m so sad though. It’s the biggest one I could find and it just won’t do for Brad’s monstrosity. Damn big cock is a huge problem. πŸ˜‚

I have so much to do today but I’m gonna stop for a quick little O. Especially since my colleague cancelled on training me this afternoon. Just gives me more time to work on my marketing materials too. The bane of having your own business. You do everything!! Everything!! And pay everything. Everything!! With my other Ebay consignment business I had few costs and did no advertising. The worst part was the bookkeeping and shipping. Ugghh.

I don’t even want to think of the laundry list of things I have to do for this colon hydrotherapy business….. today, every day… this isn’t even counting the actual treatments. I swear to God if I were not genuinely impassioned by this endeavor I would have quit a long time ago.

But the signs keep telling me I’m where I need to be…. I’m praying for ease and seeing it come slowly. Soooooo slowly…..but it’s coming. I have to remember I have had my doors open only one year and I’m half way to meeting my client goals. Half way!! I would pat myself on the back more but I’m too busy trying to keep all these balls in the air.

Balls……. my beautiful unused penis cage. I’ll have to keep looking. Widen my search criteria. Wonder how much it would cost to have one custom made? Huge cocks needs cages too people!! Especially this horny old man’s cock. I’ll get him tamed yet. So help me. Lol. So he will cum when I command it. That will indeed be one sweet day. You can’t see me salivating but I swear it happens if it’s own accord when I get to thinking of having total control.