Porn Girl

Soooo

I’ve been feeling burns. A man sparks something here; another ignites a burst there, but they aren’t quite hitting the mark. For whatever reason it just isn’t right. The right push and pull isn’t there or the complete vulnerability, honesty and possession I need. Can that be helped? Sure. I suppose, but only with awesome communication skills and some win/win compromising…(if that juxtaposition even makes sense).

All of life should be about the win/win but since society can be cruel that way then at least can’t I, shouldn’t I, shouldn’t we all try to have that with the people we love. At least?

That’s what I’m looking for.

I’m not competing here. I’m just trying to be happy. We all deserve such luck!! Can we share that fantasy and make it a reality?

I don’t lose hope. I just stop pushing any agenda and let life lead. Let my heart lead. Let my limits stop me from making a fool of myself. 🤪🤪🤪

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So the whole initial point of the post was that I am not feeling jaded. I’m feeling sometimes almost close to electric. Like when you can feel the surge coming. They are just igniting the fires even hotter. Fanning the flame. Bringing me closer to a reality I know exists. Even as I am far I am closer than ever.* Mwahahahhahahahaha

I don’t cackle like a witch. Maybe I should. Like Glenda the good witch would if she dressed Domme instead. A sexy sultry guffaw

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*he will spark just as electric for me

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Update: so why can’t I just be electric always?

Heck if I know. It’s a switch. Sometimes it’s on; sometimes it’s off. When you love. When you give. When you are open to it all. It’s on. It’s easier to live in that space holding someone’s hand (when you need it at least).

Plus isn’t sex fun!!! It’s electric or it can be. Lol. 😝😊😉💋

When they were passing out “normal” lives they looked at me and said “na, give her the works”. My life was a bit too boring when married but also mostly unbearable…for reasons I won’t get into, not because it was boring. Boring I can take.

But since being divorced my life has switched into overdrive. It is not unbearable but sometimes it pushes me to the edge of anxiety where I feel like I could freefall off of the cliff and have no idea where I would land. So I feel like I have a death grip on what little I have now, trying not to let it slip away. Life shouldn’t be like that; for anyone.

Sooooo I want to just unwind it all a bit. I’m still moving ahead. Still doing all I need to do, but I’m not going to stress about it anymore. I’m going to allow myself to just be. Just be in the moment of it all. Let go of the deathgrip and let myself freefall if that’s where the momentum is going to take me. This means I’m not actively pursuing trying to find a relationship. This means I’m not letting my anxiety take over. This means I’m not going to let it all overwhelm me.

I’m going to have faith that where I am is where I need to be even if I can’t find a rationale to it all. No one is promised anything and I still feel damn lucky to have what I have, to be who I am and to be surrounded by and meet some pretty damn awesome people in this life. That’s not nothing.

I met up with another professional Domme today. She was such a beautiful person on the outside of course, but more importantly on the inside; where it really matters. We connected instantly and deeply. It was so much fun. I could have talked to her all afternoon.

She got to where I am at a much younger age and she has no encumberments so she can push boundaries I can’t and she has a plethora of different sexual relationships outside of work. I so envy that autonomy. One which I can not indulge. It was just so very refreshing and nice to connect with a woman on a wavelength I’ve never connected with to another woman before. One we are both very passionate about.

It was nice to see how similar we are. She is also a very nurturing Domme; perhaps even more so than I. I was shocked how vanilla the meeting was. Perhaps not the words coming out of our mouths but if you saw us from across a room you wouldn’t blink. Just two soft girls sharing time. It was bliss.

Whereas I exchanged emails and texts with another local Domme recently who I could immediately tell was a very domineering and might I say even slightly bitchy or maybe just jaded Domme. There are all kinds. That’s for sure. So even within the realm there are still many subdivisions. It is all soo very, truly fascinating to me.

If I could go back in time I would study human sexuality only that probably wouldn’t have gotten me to where I am now and I wouldn’t trade my sexual freedom for anything in the world; just about. Lol

The one thing she said to me that stuck with me when I left is that what we do is more than a service. We are a blessing! We provide sexual freedom to men that they can not attain anywhere else.

So what I took from that is that we provide a break from the facade they must portray. We provide an escape. We provide for them the play and taste of a reality they most deeply crave and can not get elsewhere. Why didn’t anyone tell me this was a real job? Lol

All this time….my life could have been so different. Things happen for a reason. Who knows? I’m here now. So really. Who cares why. I’m just enjoying the ride.

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I recognize that necessity sometimes takes you to strange places, but if you’re happy to be there then really. Lol

❤️💋

I bought these luscious jewels yesterday.

They screamed at me from across the room….

but I looked away. Intent on ignoring them and yet I drew myself closer to them, as if by accident, until I found myself standing right in front of them pretending not to care. I distracted myself with the other merchandise but my eyes kept running back to them. Then my hand caressed them. I checked the size (of course they were my size….why wouldn’t they be?) and as if by impulse my hands grabbed ahold of them with no direct intention to do anything with them…yet.

“Should I try them on?” I thought to myself. Don’t I have enough “come fuck me” shoes? My back felt pressed against the wall. I felt an intense necessity to try them on. I simply had to!!! The woman sitting on the footstool near me had her jaw literally wide open as she watched me careen into them. Once I had them on she said something about them being one of a kind or other but that is all a blur now. All I remember is how I felt when I saw them on my feet and how I knew in my heart I could not let anyone else have them. They were mine and mine alone.

They fit me as I imagine Cinderella’s glass slippers did….as if made just for me. They felt magical.

I may have to go to the sex club next weekend to justify buying them to myself. Lol

❤️💋

Russia and the US have been playing this chess game so damn long

Don’t they realize no one wins.

They are going to annihilate the world these idiot leaders and the rest (China/North Korea/Middle East/etc).

It’s fine. Yes. It could be the worst thing to happen in the world. Literally.

But so what.

At least they’ll be dead too. There is that. 😝

In truth I have only been on the prowl less than a month. That is nothing. I tend to have a very demanding and impatient character sometimes and so of course I want it NOW. But I also realize that just because I have experience dominating relationships and taking complete control sexually doesn’t mean it’s where I need or want to be as a Domme.

I am going to challenge myself over the next few months to become even better; stronger, more educated about the lifestyle, and more connected to people within in…especially other Domme’s.

I’m really not concerned anymore about the experience a sub may or may not have as much as that he has the right mindset. Even experienced subs I have talked to seem to want to top from the bottom. In other words they expect me to fulfill their fantasies instead of realizing that we will build our relationship together based around my rules and both our limits. Not to say those fantasies can’t be lived, just to say when and if they were to happen I will be orchestrating them to my satisfaction, not some mythical scenario created for me to play out. I’m not a puppet.

I need a man who is truly docile, loving and submissive on the inside. The outside? Well…..who knows. That is subject to whim really as I find all men alluring in some aspect, even men dressed in women’s clothing. So really it’s just about the right fit for me.

I can’t wait to find my sub, but meanwhile I’m going to learn as much as I can. For now I think I’ll also go back to abstinence and meet people just for the experience of it, like target practice and if someone sticks great and if not great too.

So much to experience in life. I’m just looking forward to it all.

So I have analyzed and figured out my Domme style. I will go right into Domme space if I am freely allowed to do so. In other words I do not demand it, it must be offered to me. I will bloom naturally into that dominance once the space is created. It can’t be pushed onto or pulled out of me either. In order to be my most sensual it must stir within me by its own accord. Like a wild beast come to life.

I am also an extremely loving and doting Domme. Some call it a sensual Domme but to me it goes beyond that. I must genuinely care for the person under my dominion or the game doesn’t work well. I also don’t do humiliation or degradation. I don’t have use for human furniture and I don’t see the point to some of the rituals, but who’s to say they can’t be fun when you’re drawing blanks for spicy new things to try.

I just have this need to be the dominant in the bedroom* and the one in control of the dynamics of the relationship. I also have this need to be worshipped and adored, to be romanced and given an inordinate amount of affection, touch and tokens/displays of love. It isn’t negotiable. It is an absolute necessity.

In vanilla dating I have not gone on second dates with men or returned calls when I felt a lack of them realizing their proper place and while I do not mind reprimanding and have done so to total strangers before I refuse to do that with potential partners. Hop on the bus from the start, find your place and enjoy the ride or find another way to get to where you’re going because it isn’t going to be with me. Lol

It’s nice to know myself. It’s even nicer to know I can develop this even further and truly have what I have always wanted. Yippee-Kay-Yay**

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*mostly. I do like vanilla and I also like to switch or be topped at my discretion.

**I love that phrase. Can you tell?

Soooo I went and got a wee bit drunk last weekend. I love getting drunk, except my liver just can’t handle alcohol anymore, unfortunately. So then I rarely go out; because watching other people drink is like being on a medically necessary fast at an all you can eat buffet. It can feel like torture.

Once in a while though I still indulge. This day I really let loose at the local bar. Karaoke, total obnoxious Tom-assery and slutty drunken mayhem. Alcohol=slutty behavior. I get so touchy feely when I drink which makes zero sense since I can’t orgasm to save my life when I drink alcohol.

I had tried to put that night into the “let’s not think about it” file, but then today got messaged by a man I had met there. Literally my neighbor, like one block away. Married and he and his wife have been looking for a playmate. Ring, ring, ring.

Honestly I only vaguely remember talking to him and I remember (maybe incorrectly) that his wife was a little frosty towards me. But I appreciate that I have fellow deviants a stone throws away and both were very attractive people to boot.

Who knows where this will go, if anywhere. I was contemplating throwing a party for all the deviants I’ve met in virtual reality and the few I’ve met IRL. I haven’t thrown an adult only party in so long. The thought sounds thrilling and mortifying at the same time. Lol

I swung open Pandora’s box and so much yummy goodness has come out wanting to play. I’m filled with genuine excitement at the possibilities of bold and sensual adventures. I responded to him immediately and have been corresponding happily because he approached me with honesty; completely upfront about what his ideas were and where they want to go (not necessarily with me but throwing it out there).

Honesty goes a very long way with me. It will open the door much faster than any slick talk or undisclosed intentions generally will…..but we’ll see. I kind of want to slow my role a bit. Really savor this journey and not make too many rookie mistakes.

But a threesome is on my bucket list. 👅

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Sometimes I wonder what percentage of alcohol sales can be linked to sex which would not have happened without it. I can definitely account for some of that. All kinds of not great things can and have been induced with alcohol. Which is why I am all in on pot now. You still have to know your limits and that stuff they legally sell now is sooo fucking STRONG, but complete sobriety just isn’t for me. Not now at least.

Plus pot is good for you…(depending on form) and regardless it does not damage your liver. Yippee-Kay-Yay!!!

I slept all of maybe 20 minutes two nights ago. I felt great all day except maybe for the bit of nervous energy throughout the morning and mid-morning. I made it to 7pm before I felt like I was crashing a bit. Had I needed to rally I would have taken a cold bath. Fortunately I had nothing pressing and went to bed at 8:30.

I have been suffering horrible insomnia lately. I was up until 3am and figured I would be better off staying awake then trying to get into a sleep state and waking up groggy and cantankerous. So I took a heavy dose of RSO. Which was a guaranteed way for me to stay awake as that is the major side effect it gives me. Inability to sleep…usually.

I laid in bed awake but resting and wrote way too many blog entries which I haven’t been able to edit to my liking yet. I got out of bed with ample time to start my day and proceeded to do a coffee enema*. 2 cups of coffee orally have me in a tailspin talking a mile a minute and jittery. 2 cups the other way don’t usually do too much oddly enough, but this day I think…with that, the high THC dose and the lack of sleep my nervous energy was a bit too high.

Normally I utilize nervous energy to get chores and projects done. Cleaning is an awesome utilization for it and actually kind of fun when you blare music and just let yourself get in a zone. But I had a client that day and the nervous energy was making me self conscious. So in between assisting her I meditated until I could lower my heart rate and breathing enough to feel normalized.

I had never had this interesting combination of things occur before. It revealed a lot of new things to me about my own physiology. Just adding to my ever growing knowledge base, which I hope will also help my clients.

These two last years post divorce have been a lot of firsts for me. They have helped me understand myself and revealed my true nature to me in ways that have sometimes astounded me (not always pleasantly).

My life….is hard as hell…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone…and yet…I am happy (for the most part) and I am still ever grateful.

It’s not perfect. It’s so far from that it doesn’t even measure on the Richter scale, but it’s good. A person can have the world at their feet and be miserable. I have nothing barely to hold onto and yet….at this exact moment in time “all is well”. I have more than enough to be happy.

That’s the mental state I try to stay in to combat the reality that doesn’t always perfectly match, if at all really. It’s the mental state that helps me stay sane…even on the crazy, “what the fuck am I going to do?” days. It’s the mental state I want to have no matter where the wind sails me to in life. If I can give anything to my children** I hope that they can learn this from me exemplifying it.

It’s not all a state of mind…but mostly it is.

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*I have liver damage and I am also in the middle of a detox cleanse and the coffee enemas are a Godsend.

**and to the world