Made him top me

Learning the intricacies of BDSM via hands on experience is so much fun but also has a steep learning curve. Since each relationship dynamic is different so then each experience of D/s is as well.

Today I made Brad top me. This is what happened:

I had to run out on an errand so I told him to come in, get undressed and lay in my bed waiting for me. He texted me when he arrived as I had requested. Once I got back I made my way slowly to the bedroom and established a baseline. How was he feeling? How was his back? Was he tired? Did he need anything to drink before we began? I could tell how excited he was as he jumped up the moment I came into the room.

I laid him back down on the bed on his back and climbed on after undressing to my bra and panties and straddled his tummy. He was wearing a makeshift blindfold and he had taken the initiative of wearing one of my bra’s and thongs. I told him how much I appreciate him thinking of this detail and told him he was going to top me today. This means “I will let you have control but I will dictate what that will look like, how it will go and if and when it will end”.

Then I explained exactly what I wanted to see. I said;

“After we have established that you understand what I am saying we will start. First you will kneel beside the bed and you will rub my feet with oil. Once I am satisfied with that you will proceed to message my back. Once that has satisfied me I will tell you when we can proceed with you topping me. I want you to mark my tits and ass. I want you to be rough with me. If it gets too intense I will say STOP. No matter what else I say: no, you’re hurting me, cry, whatever… do not need to stop. Once we are at a point where I am very turned on AND you are also very hard I want you to put me on top of you just as I am now (cowgirl) with my bullet. I want to orgasm this way. At this point control will revert back to me and you will end all topping me.”

I then asked him to repeat everything I said which he did. And I told him to start. Everything went almost exactly as planned except he lost his erection while I was still on top of him and we reverted to me on the bed on my back with him straddling me and me using my bullet to cum while he tried to masturbate onto my face. I came great. He yet again did not.

It’s hard for me to not get frustrated with his sexual idiosyncrasies. I recognize his age and the drugs he is on play a big part of him cycling in and out of hardness but I think there may be a bit of a mental disconnect as well.

Either way we have to find a cock cage for his massive cock that also enshrouds his balls. It doesn’t help matters that he is constantly playing with himself. He is very desensitized because of it….. but I get that that is usually the only way he cums. I am trying to help him change that and fortunately he is on board.

I also told him two days ago

“One of the reasons I am with you is because I think you’re trainable”. Lol

Probably a very mean thing to say. Controlling and all. But it’s the truth. He is not PG enough when my children are around. He needs to focus more…. in general. He needs to prioritize his goals better and he needs to redirect all his sexual energy towards me…. not himself. It is what it is. I am demanding. I don’t try to hide it. I have clear expectations. I also feel I am well worth it. He knows that if he is not willing to put in the effort I require the exit is clearly marked.

We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into each other. We have a very nice thing going. I enjoy him tremendously….. but…. I know my needs and I expect them to be met. Emotionally. Sexually. Intellectually. Financially.

You have to know what you want in life if you have any chance of actually getting it. At least that’s how my life seems to work. It’s also the basis for “The Secret”. Isn’t it?

For now he is doing all I need and more. I say jump he jumps and asks questions later, if needed. Sometimes he jumps before I even need to request it. He has gotten pretty good at anticipating my needs and taking care of them, in all realms. Which is just how I like things and it’s what makes me adore him more and more.

We keep progressing at this clip and it may get to the point where I can’t see myself living without him. That is the kind of love I’m wanting….after all. I don’t need a self help book to recognize that is considered “unhealthy” by most people’s standards. I don’t care. It’s what I want and need. I need that level of absolute, unconditional, all-encompassing love… on both sides….. or what’s the point?

Maybe things are different for other people. I understand that my perspective is only one of so many possible, but I only know what I know. You gotta do you. I gotta do me. Right? Right!


I had originally also slated out pegging him today. Which we have only done once before, but we ran out of time. I will have to pencil that in sometime soon. Unfortunately though I’ve got to be in the mood which isn’t always…. or even usually. Lol

Spiritual Mayhem – second blog

Here is my second blog – technically my first blog. I don’t write much in it at all since I’ve warped this into everything.

I’ve had only one person ever read the whole thing. A really down to earth and sweet man.

Truthfully after I write and proof read my blogs initially I rarely go back to them. Which is why a lot of them have typos and of course I wrote a lot of them stoned. So yea.

Enter at your own risk.

I am ever evolving. I am ever fallible. I try to be humble. Comments are welcome; like footprints lightly tracked onto my heart and souls work. Good. bad. Irrelevant. Welcome.

Or save it for a night of very deep insomnia if the back of the milk carton is too quick a read. 😉🙏🏽❤️💋

Disgusting Human

We are animals. Why when I say this people sometimes get all ruffled up truly baffles me.

Sometimes when I’m in a situation where I feel intimidated by someone (like a polished/sophisticated/rich woman or an extremely highly educated and truly insightful person) I remind myself this person has sat on the toilet, with sweat dripping down their face, shooting ass juice from their butthole in excruciating moanful pain from the stomach flu…. (most likely…); and if it takes picturing them like that I do. lol.

Just reminds me we are all human. No one escapes farting. No one escapes all the disgustingness of being human and in that there is beauty and connection and a level playing field. Maybe all other things aren’t equal but those base instincts, base necessities, base urges are. And sometimes that’s all it takes to remind myself to not take all the other crap so seriously.

We like to play these games. Assign value to our lives through our accomplishments, possessions, social roles. These things are all part of the drama of human nature. And boredom begets even more drama. It’s fine. I like some drama too, it’s just that there is real life and death drama and then there is superficial, pastime drama. The two seem to get easily confused to some people.

I enjoy the drama of BDSM because it helps me cope with much more serious drama that I have no control over (be it past or present)….. and it’s enjoyable. It’s fun. It’s a way to get back to a base level of existence. Pain can definitely do that to you. Make all else irrelevant. I find joy in that. I find a deep release and ecstasy in that.

I also (usually) manage to live my life lightheartedly because I know one day sooner than later none of this will matter. My life will be forgotten. The world will be gone. This universe may not even exist at all. It gives me a sense of detachment that lets me accept that my simple attempt to live a genuine life of honesty and compassion as a base little ignorant humanoid on this planet is good enough. It’s good enough to find happiness in. It’s good enough to find joy in. It’s good enough to find meaning in it. If only because it happens to be where I find myself. And my motto is “let’s make the most of it”.

Now excuse me while I go push some warm yellow fluid out of my uterine sphincters. 😝

Do Me

I came to the conclusion last night that I’m just going to do whatever the fuck I want from now on.

Starting with my sex life. Brad has given me the green light to do as I please and I’m going to allow myself that luxury. Now does that mean I will be supine most of my waking hours? Lol. Hardly. I do have three 2 legged children, three 4 legged ones, two businesses and a boyfriend. Frankly I can’t see thing being all that much different than how they are joe except with some bonus scenes and extras thrown in here and there.

Outside of sex what does this now mean? Well. Let me run you through a bit of my day yesterday; minus the rated R parts because well….. gotta leave something for the memoire. Lol

I was pulling into the parking lot of the dollar store. Trying to source cheap party supplies for the youngest kidlet because she has been insisting that she wants a party and nothing I said or did or tried to bribe her with would dissuade her and I was the one that promised her a play date with all her preschool friends over the summer and didn’t follow through. Which she has held against me continually and this would make up for.

I did insist it be Halloween theme so I would not have to buy decorations. She begrudgingly accepted and has hopped on board as we’ve progressed. Anyway, I pull in just as my dad calls. I love my dad but he takes a lot of emotional energy to deal with. He expects and needs me to be fully present when we communicate. I didn’t want to answer but I also needed to clarify an email I sent him. I hesitated momentarily and then realized that stopping everything I was doing and talking to him was going to be more beneficial than delaying it.

So I sat in the parking lot while the tot grew boisterously impatient and we hashed things out. Ultimately realizing that some things even if really don’t want to do them….like paying taxes…. I truthfully really do want to do to avoid any repercussions and/or just simply to get things over with that need to be done.

Then I stepped out of the car and almost stepped on a full slushee cup. I walked past it 3 times and wanted to pick it up each time. But it was sticky. It was gross. It was not my problem (theoretically) but each time I swung past it my inclination was to pick it up and find a trash can. I didn’t. Next time that happens though I will. Not because I have to. Not because it’s the right thing to do. But because I want to. I just want to dammit.

Life is too God damn short. I am in no hurry to leave but I also don’t want to have regrets. I’m pretty even keeled; level headed mostly, responsible leaning, pretty compassionate most often I think. Who knows. Probably overestimating myself here a bit, but I’m truthfully not worried about the implications of doing whatever the Hell I want without feeling guilt. Not to say I still don’t have to be on guard against the selfish little gnomes creeping around inside, but some indulgence isn’t always a bad thing either.

One life people! Right?

But retirement accounts aren’t a bad thing to think about either. Lol

Witching Hour

*it isn’t until the wee hours



Without the millions of voices and demands

The distractions and chaos

With my silent breath

I hear the pit pat of my heart

And I realize

All it wants to do is love


*I know I’ve written about the 3am thing about ancestrally waking up at that hour communally as a family/household unit, to have a light snack and/or do quiet activities and calm discourse nestled together in the same room. Then an hour or so later all go back to sleep.


I’m just stoned. But it seems to me that humans get a low energy period at around 3pm daily. Wouldn’t it stand to reason being that we are so tied to the lunar:solar cycle that humans might also have an influx of energy at 3am perhaps. Seems to be a valid likelihood; especially when u consider how many people have insomnia and/or also naturally seem to awaken around this time.

I myself haven’t been to sleep yet due to the THC. But I desperately needed it to relax my muscles; especially my back and shoulders, my head. I couldn’t sleep at all the last day of the trip and then last night I was still so tense I couldn’t fall asleep either. I don’t have money for a massage. Uggghhhhh I need to go to yoga!!

New Paradigm

We are so attached to Karma spiritually

Because it plays into our reward and punishment desires.

(Punishment for ourselves and/or others)

It gives things a good or bad stamp. A place of judgement and to step away from that is extraordinarily difficult.

It requires reprogramming our own psyche to not assign judgement to ANYTHING



to welcome every moment as a new experience; embracing it with complete openness of heart and mind*

that is nirvana


not a single drop of fear


Hard as hell

I know the way and I’m still just trucking along

I’m Exhausted – Sweet Dreams Ya’ll

Remind me NEVER to take a vacation with my ex-husband again. I don’t know why I thought it would be alright. 3 nights!!!! What could be the harm I thought?

Frazzled. I’ll tell you what…. emotionally frazzled. At one point he was so rude to me I walked out of the restaurant and back to our hotel room. Where I forced myself to eat the food he brought back only because he had paid for it and I didn’t want to hear him bitching at me anymore than he had been already. Ugghhhhh.


Luckily Brad saved the day today and righted a few wrongs. A great orgasm is a God damn miracle of nature. Just to feel loved too and need we not forget the excellent play session. At one point he had my skirt on, which actually made his flattish ass look rather good. Lol (I can hear Cartman’s laugh right now so clearly in my head.)

His submission was also very nice. I had him writhing in pain tied to the cross; his whole body undulating, every inch covered in sweat. I pressed my body into his and a sigh of deep ecstasy rose involuntarily from my mouth as his moans of pain filled my ears and I felt his body catapult against mine. It’s soo intoxicating. It’s a feeling I can’t even rightfully describe. Like this luxurious wave of deep mental ecstasy just flows through my body like electrical surges of energy. If that makes any sense.


I knew I was in a good head space all day today because I happily made two homemade comfort meals. You know…. it’s honestly not just this whole single mom budget thing. I do love eating out but it just isn’t justifiable and also the fact that I love cooking. I made the most yummy completely organic meal tonight that fed my entire family and with leftovers for probably 2 days for $10. Less than 1/2 of what a McDonald’s meal would have costed me for one feeding.

Sure it’s a no frills, few ingredients meal but it’s yummy and wholesome (by my standards at least) and for $10. I dare you to beat it!


1 LB Organic grass fed ground beef $4.99

12 ounces gluten free pasta $.99

Organic pasta sauce $1.99

Organic frozen broccoli (portion of a large $7.99 bag) $1.50

Parmesan cheese (sprinkled on individually, 2 tablespoons of large $4.49 package) $.50

I even came in under $10. Guess the oil, salt, pepper and ground oregano count too though. So we’ll round up to the complete price.

What can I say? Cheap runs in my blood, but that doesn’t mean it still can’t be good AND good for you. Right?

I cut corners where I can. I haven’t bought myself a new piece of clothing in God knows how long. Used is more than good enough for me. Extravagances come few and far between. It isn’t justifiable…..

Maybe if I were rich….. but probably not even then. I bought a gorgeous pair of leather Ugg boots at the thrift store for $20 in excellent condition. I suppose there is a convenience factor of just knowing what you want and going and buying it rather than the luck of the draw of garage sales and thrift stores. But I love interacting with people at garage sales and I love the thrill of the hunt. I am after all a natural born huntress. 😉