Tide Sweeping In

Sometimes when the tide sweeps in

I’m not sure how it will be

Will it caress me softly?

Will it float me on its gentle waves

Rocking me into a lovingly calm sense of peace or

Will it engulf me….

spinning me around dizzily….

Tossing me like a rag doll

——

I was really looking forward to going to the cross dresser and trans event at the sex club and they cancelled it.

With that and a whole bunch of other crap; I’m feeling a bit defeated right now. I went to my custom tailor to pick up the outfit I was going to wear to my original party,….the one that didn’t happen, remember?

It is a matching see through tube top and mini skirt. It is not my best and sexiest outfit. In fact it actually completely exposes my worst body parts. But…..I was scared and excited to show myself in my entirety*. All the flaws too. All of it.

I was talking to my psychologist about my enjoyment seeing men feminized and even dressed femininely and she gave me the reassurance I was seeking. That it’s ok. I mean yes. I know it is ok in my heart. I champion my own causes, but it’s nice to have reinforcements. Lol

I heard this song for the first time ever on the radio this morning and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. I don’t even know why really. Just feels like the mood of the moment for me.

Ray LaMontagne – Such a Simple Thing

*yes I had originally said I was going to go in my Domme attire. I had a latex mini dress all picked out but the closer it got to the day the more I just wanted to be myself. Not the make-up and shoes so much. This girl does like to represent; sometimes. Lol.

Just that….that’s the point of the event; right? Being yourself. If I can admire then I can also participate. But it has been an odd uphill battle. Couldn’t get ahold of my tailor anyway. Sooo. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I just need to let this go for now. Ho hum.

I had just said I was going to stop dating and concentrate on events and then this gets cancelled. Maybe I should just take a break from all of it for now. Not like I don’t have better things to do anyway, I suppose.

Insomnia

It’s taken me a long time

But I’ve learned to take you on my ride

Instead of me being taken on yours

So now when you come I relish you

Deeply

When you come I take it as my opportunity to spend quality time with myself

I am fortunate to have medicinal THC available to help me with this endeavor

As without it I would probably tailspin and let my anxiety rule us both

With it I now see you as an oasis

When all else is dormant.

A time to come back to myself without the chaos of life coming at me full steam

A time to recollect myself

To play even

To dream

To delve into thoughts I’d never think without the quiet and solitude surrounding me

So while you may be a nuisance and torment to some

To me you are now just a part of who I am

Of my natural cycle of living

For whatever it’s worth I have accepted you as part of my life and just made the best of it

And sometimes….like now…you are the best part of my day. Lol

Let’s not make that a thing though. Please!

——-

“You are the Best Part or Me” – Neil Diamond

Yea Baby

Went into my Red Room and found this. I bought these because they looked good and had good reviews but the quality of the metal is cheap…as you can see from them bending out of place.

My point though is that this proves they were definitely used. Wish I had caught when exactly. Oh well. Just one more guest is booked then I can have all my toys back and replace these. I do have more sets of cuffs and such but these were suppose to be my heavy duty ones, not just pretend play fluff gadgetry. Guess one of my guests thought the same thing and we were both disappointed.

Cowards

I get it.

Societies stigma against men playing together and not being seen as “gay”* is intense.

To hear from other men…several even… that they simply don’t trust men makes me shake my head.

I also get that.

Trust me that as a woman I really do get it. I suppose because I didn’t have much of a choice, being so heavily boy crazy, I put up with their behavior and didn’t give it too much thought. Always trying to steer as clear of idiots as I possibly can…not always entirely possible though unfortunately.

But to hear other men call their own gender: disgusting, pigs, violent, assholes; and actually really, deeply mean it shocks me and I’m not easily shocked.

Again, I get it though.

So when I tried to plan a small party, with a few men that have ALL expressed that they have played a bit or wanted to play with men and put myself in the mix I anticipated a good outcome. Initially I got yeses. Slowly that list started to dwindle because either they wanted me only to themselves or were scared to be in that dynamic. Scared of something they enjoy or want to enjoy. Scared of something I promised to orchestrate to everyone’s liking with me in charge.

Even when I took it down to a threesome it evaporated. Why? All of these men would gladly play with me and they have all expressed interest/experience in playing with other men. Baffles me. Just baffles me.

I guess I’m not the Domme I thought I was. Darn though. My little red room will be decommissioned this coming weekend.

Silly, silly boys.

Oh well! It’s worth considering that maybe I’m the idiot in this equation. Lol. I just wanted to have fun. Fun…people! Anyone remember what that is anymore? Jeesh!

—–

(for any haters out there)

*gay is NOT a four letter word. Sorry. No one can convince me of it. Nope. Never. Just not happening….so move on to some other “issue”. I’m entitled to my fucking opinion….. as you are yours. See how gracious I am? 😝

πŸ’‹

It’s Possible……

I’ve been asked repeatedly

“What do you want your relationship to look like?

What’s your ideal sex life?

What do you want in a partner?”

These are all good and valid questions. The problem I have with them is that being in a relationship and loving someone requires a second person. It’s not a solo event. And this other person is not only crucial; they help chart the course. It’s like asking me to navigate the sea without a map, GPS or the sun and stars in the sky.

Sure I have ideas and expectations, but once the second party shows up for the grand event all that can fall out the fucking window and I’m rather okay with that. The dynamic, how I feel and the relationship itself will far supersede most of my fantasies in ways I can’t even imagine now; I’m sure. That is my real presumption. That is my true ideal.

But yes, I suppose for my own edification I can provide an outline; but it seems comical to me to do so… as the person who’s deeply involved in this as well isn’t here. But ok. Here goes:

The bones of it are….

A man that adores me and shows me in a million little ways: through romantic gestures, thoughtfulness & loving touch. A man that knows me so well he can anticipate my own needs before I even can and shows me his love with every nuance of his being. A man that not only allows me to be myself entirely but gives me the space and support I need to be more, to reach further.

He would be a good communicator and emotionally open to me. He would always mean what he says and say what he means; even if I didn’t like it 100% of the time. He would plan nice things to do or take me to; new adventures. At the core it would lead into a family life together as I still have little munchkins to finish molding into adults.

Yet outside of that we would have this fantastic and wildly kinky sexual life where I could be allowed to play in the ways I like to play. Which would include at least:

Pegging, multiple orgasms, edging, BDSM, having their body be completely open and accessible to me at all times, tons of fun and loads of play with an ample amount of frivolity and of course while I want to lead the relationship and the sex; I also want to be topped. Because that sometimes feels very yummy, but I probably run a lot more vanilla than submissive.*

I obviously would want him to have his own financial stability. Be a man that knows how to take care of himself and has his life pretty set with really only needing me to make it spectacular.

I would ideally like a say in all aspects of his world and be completely let in to everything he does, everything he thinks, his deepest desires, his fears, his longings, his happiness, his dreams. I would like say in his wardrobe, his decisions. I want communication to know where he is, what he is doing and I also do so very much enjoy giving tasks. (This does NOT necessitate constant communication. Ask my ex husband. I never called him at work. Reality isn’t oblivious to me. Lol)

Chastity is something I would also like to hold. I would like to be in complete control of his release. When it happens. How it happens and negate him at my wish. The though tantalized me tremendously. My mouth is watering now even just writing about it.

I may be ever so tiny bit of a control freak. Lol. I can admit it…I’m ok with it, but at my core I am a charitable and loving person. The happiness of those I love is tantamount to my own happiness and without that there is nothing. So there is balance there…. I think.

That’s it really. I’m not sure how much of an outline this really is or how close it will be to reality. When the second half finally arrives to take his place. That’s all yet to be decided…. really…. isn’t it? I can leave a space open for that….. because if I’ve learned anything in life it’s that absolutely everything is subject to change…and I’m alright with that.

As long as at the base is deep respect, love like no other, trust, passion, deep understanding and awesome sex……. then really. I mean….what else can a girl ask for? A guy that truly loves her and has her needs and happiness at the forefront, before even his own. Well….any girl would be lucky to have that…and I’m happy to wait for it. πŸ˜‰

______

*I’ve been told I’m a terrible submissive; excruciatingly slow, bratty, defiant, horrendously stubborn and can’t follow protocols to save my life. lol. I don’t have a problem with any of that, because honestly I don’t care. It’s for my pleasure, soooo…. whatever. I’m not trying to be good at it.

Cuckholding

This is a confusing concept for me. I mean I understand how it works. I just don’t honestly know if I see myself there; but then again….I don’t want to rule it out.

It’s kind of like:

I’ve had my sights on a plain scoop of vanilla ice cream with all the yummy toppings; hot fudge, whipped cream, roasted chopped nuts and a bright red cherry on top…. and on my way to find this I am seeing all the other items available: gelato, custard, frozen yogurt, handspun flavors and combinations and well….umm. Isn’t it worth trying out? I mean I can always go back to my vanilla sundae. Right?

It’s just such an intriguing idea and well….it favors me. It is always done by my design. It is led by me. Run by my desires. I mean….what’s not to like about that? If I didn’t have such an incredible high sex drive I wouldn’t even contemplate it. I don’t think. But you are in the presence of a girl who’s sex drive is ridiculously high. I can go daily. Multiple times even……for hours. I am not joking or exaggerating here.

I honestly don’t really have to have that much sex though. Life goes on without it. I was denied sex in my ex-marriage for months at a time, even though he knew my sexual desires were high before we even got married. Sooo I know I can go without. I simply function better in all aspects of life and I am happiest when I am sexually satiated.

Satiety doesn’t have to be constant though. It’s much more emotional for me now than it used to be; so other things, displays, communication, play, etc. augment sex itself rather nicely.

I guess we shall see is all I’m saying here, because 6 months ago I never even knew this was a real lifestyle. I never knew this even existed and now I am being propositioned to try this as the base of a committed relationship. Mind blown! Honestly the first time I was approached about it I laughed out loud. I just couldn’t take it serious. I was like wtf. This really exists?

At first I just chopped it up to a funny fetish and maybe it still is that, but it also can be a very loving and intimate foundation….or so I am being led to believe. And I can play all I want to within this concept….including my man into the mix with me with no worries about jealousy or having to share him with other women. Hmmmmmm…..

This world will never cease to amaze me. Will it? Lol

I Get So Angered (bisexuality)

At the hypocrisy

The alienation brought about

The denial people are in

I’m not saying everyone is bisexual

I’m saying that the potential is there

I didn’t come up with this

Sigmund Freud* and many, MANY more believe this to be true

Personally

I just enjoy all aspects of sex so much

That I can’t see why we must deny ourselves pleasure**

Right now one of my biggest desires is watching two men fuck/make love IRL, in surround sound, with me in the mix

and of course getting multiple orgasms out of it….because ummm yea.

*not that I believe all his findings, but no one hits the mark 100% of the time.

**consent always of course and safety. Otherwise stay the fuck out of other people’s sex/love life. Right?