OMG

I am such a brat. Sometimes.

I said I’d be “inundated” if I put an ad for a tranny or bi-curious man to have a playdate on FetLife. OMG. What a tart I can be. It makes me laugh at least.

———-

I don’t get any of this gender shit. I’ve barely got a handle on me. Trying to figure out anyone else is just more shit to do. I would rather just have fun and let them be whoever they choose to be.

Male Ego

I just understood this week some vital information about male ego

Vital to me at least. To my understanding of it.

A client told me that during her husband’s colonoscopy he had reflexive behavior to punch back at the invador of his ass, even while heavily sedated and out for the count. So it’s a subconscious thing. The answer as to why could be varied from incest/rape survivor to just mimicing homophobic behavior and being subconsciously made to hate anything close to it. I don’t know. Every story has many sides.

Also told that a lot of men while sober don’t or can’t have anal sex. They may want to but they just may not be able to face that desire head on unless a bit buzzed. I’m guessing. The real reasons may be varied. Drugs can definitely make you a bit pervy sometimes. I’ve never needed much incentive so I’m not the one to ask but so I have heard and seen. Lol.

No one should live in fear to be who they are.

No one.

Andromeda, FetLife for teenagers

It’s weird growing up and not seeing representations of yourself in the media, art, books, etc.

I was reading an interesting article today about the “whitewashing” of people of color in art. Specifically that Andromeda, princess of Ethiopia was black and yet depicted as white in art. Doesn’t surprise or anger me. Not like I can do anything about it.

It’s interesting to me that people are bringing these things to light. Things I never put into words but always haunted me. Because when you don’t see yourself or people like you it’s easy to feel like you don’t belong. Whether that exclusion is purposeful or not is not a debate I want to take on.

——

I remember high school being hard. And I didn’t have it that bad. I got along with everyone. I had friends. I liked my teachers. My home life was a bit scattered, but….that’s for another day to discuss…if ever.

I was always so bored. I was always chomping at the bit to be outside, to be let free, to roam. Inquisitive and thirsting to experience new things yet broke and shackled to bus routes or wherever my feet would take me.

I don’t like that teenagers are sexualized so early. Let alone children much younger, far too young to even understand it. But I have always felt we do teenagers a huge disservice by not providing them with fun places to go and things to do beyond the mall and sports. I have no issue with structured activities but there should be more available.

I feel fortunate that the library here offers some nice programs and activities for children that are free. But there should be more. Teen centers are theoretically fine but seems stale and boring, if you even find one. There are many causes to take up in the world. Many things that could use a helping hand.

When I see people bored, longing to find meaning to their life and purpose I always feel like saying “find a cause, devote yourself to something outside your narrow narrative. Dig in to life!”

It’s easy to be shallow, but that leaves no impression. It isn’t substance. We all need to feel of use, of value. I just wish people stopped looking in all the wrong places for the validation they can’t seem to even give themselves to begin with.

But what do I know?

Financial Abundance

I still have conflict with this

I believe money is energy

It facilitates transactional exchanges

There is a plethora of it

Especially considering it is a fabricated construct

It is destroyed, created, stolen, illegally made, traded, on and on.

It is in constant flux losing, gaining and holding arbitrary value

We give it it’s power

Far too much of it if you ask me

It is all rather meaningless really

And yet

It is probably the thing of most meaning to most people

Their financial value and stability

It is the key to life and death on this planet

To thriving and demising

Something we manufactured

That is complete idiocy to me

That government, corporations, elites and even religious entities make, utilize and disperse it willie nillie in amounts that make your brain hurt to think of

With little regard or care for the greater good

The commoner

The working stiff

I don’t get why we enslave ourselves to a system that holds so little benefit for the vast majority of the world

The dangling carrot wins

The nibbles don’t provide any real sustenance to our existence

And chasing it

Chasing it….is the march of a lost soul

I obviously want stability for my children

The ability to have freedoms

And choices

And experiences

More than anything I love sharing it

The look on a gas attendants face when I give them $1

Or a small child selling lemonade when I give them a $1 coin

Or a homeless a $2 bill.

These sorts of things are priceless to me.

The feeling of being able to be generous with myself, my love, my time, my concern, my money.

These things make my life beautiful.

But money in and of itself

Could cease to exist as far as I’m concerned

And I would be absolutely fine with it

So how then can I justify asking for financial abundance

When it means so little to my soul

And yet

I face a looming deadline

That is fast approaching

That demands me to be financially solvent

Or risk losing it all

All my material possessions

Including

Heaven forbid

Custody of my children

It all confuses me deeply

And yet I have no choice it seems

But to play along

……..

Why must I play along?

Pot Girl

I take THC/CBD for various reasons. Let’s see: insomnia, stress, pain, anxiety. Interestingly I have only a couple times taken it for fun. Not that I don’t have fun sometimes when I take it, it’s just not the point of it for meπŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Its medicinal. It helps me work through issues. It helps recalibrate me on a level not much else does. Does it sometimes make me over analytical and even angry? Yep. Sometimes. So what.

I can’t wait to take a dose tonight. What do I want to work on? My connection to God. That’s always a good goal.

Expect me to vomit out too many blogs to even be able to read and expect most of them to be gone within an hour. Lol. Cest la vie.

πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ₯°

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Update (morning)

Lol. I so passed out. Slept over 8 hours like a log. Brad had changed my locks yesterday. I think that knowing someone had the keys to everything I own in the world was really messing with my sense of safety.