I’m kind of an asshole

I realized after compulsively reading my last blog that I’m a bit of an asshole.

To say that I feel like I sense things deeper than others is unequivocally incorrect.

The thing is that….. what the vast majority of people think is important I find completely and absolutely, horrendously banal and trivial. Yet people attach so much drama, emotion and energy into these things. I feel I can’t roll my eyes far enough sometimes. Material possessions, status, power, privilege, wealth, body perfection, popularity, on and on. OMG. I just can’t. Seriously. I can’t. Even other things like education, safety, health I can only within certain parameters give people some modicum of consideration and agreement.

I’m “too ethereal for my own good” I was told by a psychic…… A PSYCHIC!!! If you don’t see the humor in that nothing else I will ever say will be funny to you. I assure you.

This is why I don’t find it easy to talk to people. I suck at small talk and all the bullshit people find interesting or worthy of discussion makes me want to slit my wrists.

It’s judgmental. It’s harsh. Maybe this is why solitude is easy for me. Maybe this explains my introversion.

All I know is…….

I can be kind of an asshole sometimes. Truthfully. I know this about myself and you know what……I’m fine with it. Absolutely fine with it.

Ass gulping & living lies (long, boring soliloquy that I end with a prayer)

I’m sitting here having my morning coffee. If you’ve never had a coffee enema I can not tell you how enjoyable they are. I tried drinking coffee the other day but since I refuse to add sugar or dairy and I haven’t tasted coffee in years I realized I no longer like the flavor of it.

Astonishing to me considering I used to be such a huge coffee snob. Before Starbucks was a thing I had latte’s on speed dial. I don’t discount that coffee like wine and art or anything else people seem to think they can be experts at is subjective. I never claimed to be a connoisseur as much as a rabid enthusiast who you would not want to be around without my morning libation. Now….if I don’t get my morning coffee I’m fine. I have a tiny bit less energy is all.

Mostly I do it for my liver. I genuinely believe that were it not for these morning escapes I may not be here. Because try as I might I can’t seem to completely forgo drinking alcohol and since the liver is said not to recuperate from alcohol damage. Well…… effectively; all I’m doing by drinking is exacerbating a situation that is already quite dire.

I went to emergency last summer because I literally passed out from over exhaustion and alcohol consumption. If you’ve never passed out let me tell you it was one of the most frightening and vulnerable experiences one can have. My best friend of 26 years was visiting from Virginia. During her short stay we went out drinking and dancing; closing the local dive bar down. We hiked to the very top of Multonomah Falls. We kayaked to the very bottom of Willamette Falls where the rush of water creates strong whirlpools. We stayed up late talking for hours on end. It was so much fun!!

On the morning I was to drive her to the airport I got out of bed an immediately realized something was wrong. I was weak and dizzy. My eyesight was off; as if I was looking through an eyeglass at the world. I walked over to her and asked her to call an Uber. I told her I had to lay down. As I walked back to my room she followed me with concern; peppering me with questions when the room went black and my legs gave out.

It all happened as if in slow motion. I had no control over my body as my torso and head hit the ground. I came to quickly but my breathing was very shallow. She called emergency and I begrudgingly let them take me to the ER. They gave me a monkey pack and IV drip and told me to stay off alcohol. Mind you that I hadn’t had a drink in over 36 hours by that point. But they drew the same correlation I knew to be true.

So why don’t I quit drinking? It’s like asking a diabetic why they don’t quit all sugar? It’s difficult. It’s social. It’s yummy!! And of course mostly because I’m an idiot. It’s hard to surround yourself with people that don’t drink. It isn’t the norm and I’m not at a point in my non-sobriety where I can be around alcohol and not indulge. Maybe mostly yes but not always. So I avoid bars. I avoid some parties. I avoid a few people who I can’t seem to help but drink around. I don’t go dancing or to clubs as much as I’d love to.

I even considered going to AA but that seems excessive and in this world where people judge you by your alignments I’m just not sure that’s where I want to be. I think I’d rather join a knitting club or hiking club or something that generally dictates no alcohol consumption. Like I have time for that though? Ugghhh.

Don’t quite know.

This weekend one of my favorite cover bands is playing at the local casino. I absolutely have to go see them and I will be dancing. Bet you can guess what else I’ll be doing. Yep. I could lie and say no. I’m going to try not to drink….but why bother?

——-

I can see why people lie. I heard a study on the radio where they polled a bunch of recent college grads asking them what the most valuable lesson they learned in school was and by a landslide the answer was that “lying is extremely beneficial”. Who knows if it’s an accurate study but considering our political, corporate and judicial climate I tend to think they may have gotten the right lesson after all; unfortunately.

I have instant Karma. I’ve written about this before. I am almost completely incapable of lying. I stammer, my eyes blink uncontrollably, my breathing increases, it’s like I go into a full panic attack even trying to lie. It’s useless really. But I know this isn’t the case with most people and that lying gets reinforced from a very young age. Because well…. who wants to get in trouble or suffer any bad consequences for their actions? NO ONE!!!

I totally get it. Which is why my kids know that lying will get them in far more trouble than whatever the original “sin” was to begin with. Doesn’t always stop them but….. it’s out there. Hopefully one day they’ll appreciate it. I know I run against the tide on this one. I think most people are constantly lying; especially to themselves. I see it all the time. What do you do? Well… you let people think they are fooling you; because what else is there to do.

I don’t let my friends and family get away with it. Sometimes they hate me for it. I don’t care. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. If I care enough to tell you to “cut the shit out” you should consider it an honor. It shows I give a fuck. That people sometimes don’t see it that way….. well so be it.

I wish. Deeply wish people would stop lying. I think 99% of the worlds problems could be solved if people were just honest. To me lying is the worst sin there is. All others stem from this. Fear, anger/hatred, gluttony, coveting, enviousness, all of it; is a form of lying to oneself. There is something missing within that makes people do these things and the answers to why are behind a wall of lies. I can guarantee you this.

But no one cares what a silly single mom from nowhere with nothing has to say. I get it. This holier than though act is old. Truthfully I am no better than the least of my human clan. I can accept that that which they do I may very well be capable of; especially given their same situation.

I don’t think I have ever claimed to be “better” than anyone else. I just seem to be more aware and that awareness causes me deep pain, deep angst, deep turmoil sometimes. How do I wrestle with this? Trepidatiously. Lol. I guess it also makes me hyper-aware of the joy of little things. The joy of nothing at all. The joy of just being whoever it is God intended me to be; in all my inept glory.

—-

May you know the joy of accepting and loving yourself for who you are. It’s the best starting point for everything else. 😉❤️💋🌈👊🏽🙏🏽

Sex Chalet

Brad is building a “sex chalet” on the second story of his shop. He just put a king bed up and he will put suspension cables on the ceiling. I’m thinking of putting my spanking bench, sex swing and St. Andrews Cross up there too. Originally I was going to put that in my garage but if you could see my garage right now. Ugghhh.

I haven’t been up there yet. I need a certain level of comfort and femininity and I’ve seen the bottom of the shop. It does not scream sex chalet, but I’m excited to make it into a perfect little sexual oasis.

It was something he mentioned in passing one day and I wholeheartedly agreed it was a great idea and now he’s making it happen. I do love his gumption. Truthfully we both do tend to be loud and get carried away and he has his daughter in the house only a few feet away from his bedroom.

I just wonder about our lives and belongings become more enmeshed. Truthfully I have very serious commitment issues. I can begrudgingly acknowledge that. Even the men I had previously (supposedly) wanted to marry I broke up with many times. Mostly because I didn’t realistically see what I thought I needed to see in them and in our relationship to cross that serious line.

Brad is a very sensitive and emotional man. I really feel I have to do things intentionally with him. I have to be very careful with his heart. Not just because he has eluded very clearly that he “can not live without me”, because as much as I do believe he means what he says I will not be pigeonholed into anything I don’t on some level truly want to do; but because I sense that he would do anything I ask of him. Absolutely anything; and that is a huge responsibility and one I don’t want to ever take lightly.

I am glad I am who I am and I wonder seeing how he loves…. how he even survived this long with his heart intact and thinking of all the abusive women he has interacted with I can see how things ended up how they have for him. But this does not excuse him from having to do the work of a real relationship. This much he isn’t that familiar with. He is used to giving freely and to giving in to women and he is capable of standing firm when pushed against a wall, but he is not all that familiar with compromising. With communicating and reaching an amicable meeting point when things get difficult. He tends to retreat and paw like a scared animal.

He is so witty and fun and he can read people quite well not to mention his brilliant mechanical aptitude, but he is emotionally a bit immature. It’s fine. Everyone has their strong suit. It’s just that emotional maturity isn’t always my best talent. By necessity it has had to be something I have worked hard to achieve; as part of the stability I strive for with my children but left to my own accord I’m more akin to a selfish adolescent. At least my ego would have it that way. Reality can not indulge that side too often though unfortunately. 😒

Emotion maturity has been credited for determining ones career and life success much more than ones intellectual capacity.

Am I over analyzing this? I don’t know.

It’s a weird double edged sword. I hate being alone and I deeply crave sex, touch and intimacy. I find a man who indulges me and who makes me feel loved, adored and pampered and I can’t seem to get out of my own way enough to fully embrace it.

All things reveal themselves in time. One foot in front of the other. One moment leading to the next. Why worry about it? I’ve got a sex chalet to help coordinate.

Dommy Mommy

Last night Brad picked me up. Drove me to his house. Bought me a few items at Wheeler Dealer (I love that place) on the way there and picked up 5 Guys for dinner. We went to his house, laid in his bed eating and watching Netflix and I passed out. I was so tired. Then we woke up at 6 and he drove me home after buying us each a dozen donuts. He tried to get me to orgasm before we left but I was still so tired and groggy and just couldn’t. He isn’t huge on foreplay either though. I may need to instruct him better. 😉

He also gave me flash cash and will be doing some honey-do projects around my house this weekend. Can a girl be any happier? Mmmmmmmmm. Let me think.

——-

Then Ivy was so cute tonight. She was still a tiny bit sick and she was a bit nervous. But I feel very comfortable with her. I also feel a bit masculine; not to mention the fact that I want to pamper her and provide for her. I want to be her mentor and protector. I don’t feel like I’m posturing with her. I just feel naturally dominant and she giggles and smiles and is so warm and delightful. Why did I never date girls before? Geesh!

We didn’t kiss. Truthfully not only because she is still a tiny bit congested and coughing, but also because I want it to mean something and be special. I want it to be more than just sexual. She is very much a little sex kitten but I want something real with her. We shall see. Shan’t we?

——-

I need to get some real sleep at some point. Some deep solid sleep. I’m so very exhausted. Running a mile a minute….. I maybe could say no…… to some of all these things and responsibilities…… but it’s not my style.

Come on life. I’m not sitting this game out. Let’s keep it going….. let’s amp it up. Let’s make giant waves of technicolor with fireworks and sprinkles. I’m officially too tired to even make sense anymore. Goodnight. 💤😴❤️💋🌈

Catcalling, IUD’s & lipstick date

My teenager asked me if I like being catcalled. We both agreed it was situational, but in general the answer for both of us was a resounding NO. The exception was a boy/man we like in that fashion.

Don’t get me wrong. On a day I’m trying really hard or not feeling my sexiest it isn’t unappreciated, but a sincere compliment beats a catcall any day….unquestionably. And any person; male or female that can’t take a sincerely sweet compliment should be shoved in a closet until their looks have completely faded.

I was trying to convince the teenager to get an IUD put in sooner than later. She asked me to give her a year more. I don’t get the delay. Even if she doesn’t plan on having sex yet she is obviously getting closer than she has ever been to it. Trying to not get anxiety about this. I’m not worried about STD’s or even herpes…. mono and a grand baby are much more serious and of potentially dire consequences. How to convey that seriousness onto a teenager? No idea.

—–

I have a date with Ivy tonight. Ice skating and dinner. So curious how it will go.

Yesterday I was remembering one day as a young teen standing in West Hollywood waiting at the bus stop and a cab pulled up in front of me. Out comes a beautiful woman in her mid 20’s. Everyone stared at her and behind her popped out another strikingly beautiful female about the same age. They held hands and kissed and I remember being absolutely floored by it. It was a beautiful sight. I was talking to a friend about it later and he informed me I had encountered the ever elusive “lipstick dyke”. God I hate labels.

Fucking Exhausted

I was so tired all day. I drank alcohol Friday for the event and then I drank a glass last night at a networking mixer for the chamber of commerce. It was fun; my liver was not happy about it though. It’s a mild nagging pain that just really seems to make me lethargic. Plus it’s been a hectic little week. Toilet overflowing. Late to meetings. Doctors appointments. 2 hours making homemade lasagna for one bite from the birthday girl; she was sick…. I wasn’t mad. New therapist appointments. Damaged packages. On and on. Ugghhh

So when Brad wanted to come over tonight I hesitated momentarily. That he wants to drive up an hour from his house to spend a few hours with me and “give me my daily orgasm” (as he puts it) is something I do not take for granted. So I sucked it up and sure enough even through my exhaustion he gave me a pleasant release and if that wasn’t good measure he ate me out while I was still sensitive right after. Which is akin to being given double dessert. Mmmmmmmm. So yummy.

At the mixer last night I met up with a man I admire. A local builder/investor/winery owner. Married to a super hot wife. Family guy. It’s not a romantic admiration. I just like him and will make it a point to talk to him when I see him at these events. He was asking about my business and I knew that he wanted real information and not the “oh, it’s good” spiel I generally hand out. I told him my return rate was horribly low. Industry wide it’s over 80% and I am in the teens. He suggested I add another modality to my practice; he wanted me to think about prostate massage.

I spent all today thinking about this. This is a very serious dilemma and if I can’t figure out why the disparity I won’t make it. So I’m going to come up with a survey and offer a free infrared treatment to any past client who fills out said survey. I’m hoping I get to the bottom of it. I may hear some criticism that won’t be easy to take. I’m just hoping I’ll get something useful out of it. Something that will tell me if this is truly something I should keep investing so much time and energy in or not.

I was reading in a horoscope book today about my exact birth day and it said some pretty appropriate things. It said I am too idealistic. I need to take my head out of the clouds and be much more realistic, listen to people that have advice for me; even if it’s not advice I really want to take or believe. I’m not sure about everything it said. I really don’t see what I could be repressing. As far as unaware; well how does one figure out what one isn’t aware of? Maybe it’s right. Maybe it’s wrong.

When I ask myself what do I really want? What’s going to make me truly happy?

It’s

1) providing stability for my children

2) being healthy and active

3) having deep meaningful experiences and time to truly enjoy life

But I know these items are too abstract. There is nothing concrete in these wishes. I need to solidify them more. I need actual concise details so I can actively work towards achieving them.

I remember I met Louise Hays (the late self help guru) when she did a psychic reading for me over 20 years ago. She told me I would be a spiritual lecturer. She said I would marry a man that didn’t drink and that my daughter would be my assistant and biggest fan. At the time I was no where near married, pregnant or with spiritual aspirations of the sort. I still don’t think I have those aspirations. It goes along the lines of the theory I hold that we each need to be our own saviors in life and that there is nothing unique to say; not even spiritually.

That we haven’t advanced as a society spiritually when he have advanced leaps and bounds scientifically and technologically I’m not sure is mere happenstance. When the world starts to take responsibility for itself individually and as a whole in a real “we are one; we are all interconnected” mentality then and only then will the tables turn. I may not be around to see it; but I hope it does come before it’s too late for us stupid cockroaches.

Sexual Offerings & Pro Domme Desires

Fetlife is a crazy world. I love it!!!

I’ve been offered just about any sexual adventure you can think of. Mommy/diaper play, extreme bondage, feminization, mentoring, water sports, chastity, slavery, girls, boys, men, couples, many gender variations; straight, bi, trans, CD….on and on. I honestly feel so privileged and honored not just to be part of a community but to be offered so many yummy experiences; not that I’ve partaken in any of them really….. but boy would I like to.

The only one that made me wrinkle my nose a bit was when a man asked if I have a big dog and if I wanted to watch said dog fuck him. Mind you he lives in a completely different state. Lol. Theoretically, I have nothing against beastiality; except that I think sex and play should involve not only consent but desire and I don’t see how you can ascertain that with animals.

I keep thinking that I would love to open up my own little Dominatrix studio somewhere in Portland proper. I just have so much fun playing and if I could do it for an actual living well….. that would be so fucking splendid. I would have zero issues saying I am a professional dominatrix if asked about my career. Zero. Lol. But the local sex club charges so much for day use rental that I would have to charge a hefty little fee to make it worthwhile.

I don’t know why I’m circling back around to this. Maybe because the career path I have currently while rewarding and enjoyable is incredibly daunting and I only have 5 months to get my finances out of the red. I’m still trying to figure this all out.

Maybe I should bite the bullet and rent it out for one day. Throw out some feelers, do a little advertising and see for myself if I can make a go of it. Hmmmmmmmmm

The thought is so mouthwatering. All the games I could play. All the playtoys at my disposal. Honestly. If you could see the snarl my mouth makes of it’s own accord at the thought. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Just so very yummy!!