High School Community Forum

The local High School where my daughter goes (a school I absolutely love; with so many resources and top notch teachers and a great student body regardless of the hate speech scrawled on the bathroom walls last year) is building a community forum to address where funding should be allocated for future learning spaces. I would love to join.

I envision a space much like a continuation school where you’d have a comfortable and quiet learning environment where students had free space and time to progress at their own speed with tutors/teachers available (in the class) for when they expressly need guidance or nudging. I thrived in a continuation school environment where I failed pretty miserably (academically) in normal high school settings.

I did ok in college; hit and miss. Some classes like biology (which fascinated me) came a bit easier where philosophy (which I thought I’d love, I absolutely hated…. I’ll red herring you buddy; don’t point that finger at me).

Anyway. No point there.

But I envision a think tank sort of environment where kids could teach each other and themselves on their own and lead/work projects together in science and technology applications. It sounds amazing to me. Would probably cut the drop out rate too. But the school district already has a fabulous Art & Technology High School that I was told was smaller and more individual focused. So maybe the need I speak of has been filled.

I want to participate in life in so many ways. I want to be friends with the world and just help make the world a better place in the ways I think I know about. In a finite world I recognize my fragile existence. That’s the song that first played on my playlist today for me. Fragile – Sting.

It resonated with me this morning. Don’t ask me why.

—–

The way I see it:

I can only do what I do. Because I can only know what I know. I can only move forward in the directions I see or I can just step and have faith all will be ok. The latter provides the most comfort for me interestingly enough although logically would seem to provide no real foundation; right? This is where spirituality isn’t always logical. It’s where hope and faith come in. I think all God asks is that you just try or like Cardi B says “I’ve been down 9 times but I get up ten”.

—–Just read that California legislators announce a bill to ban stores from selling flavored tobacco products to try and curb teen use. If teens are anything like I was (aka idiots) they will want it more in sheer defiance. Wonder what the statistics say about it. Will it just transfer sales to the black market. I assume for the kids already addicted they will either keep buying whatever they can buy, however they can or quit? Not like quitting is easy.

Quitting smoking is an entire industry for a reason. I wonder if colon hydrotherapy would help with nicotine cravings. Theoretically I don’t see why it wouldn’t since it helps other cravings. Of course I’m talking microbial cravings. Hmmmmm. Worth thinking about maybe? (Just notes to myself. Don’t mind me. Just ruminating).

Self Sufficiency is Overrated

Earlier this week I went to Ace and bought a snake and fixed the bathroom sink. On my knees for an hour going back and forth with the damn thing until it finally broke through. I felt a strong sense of accomplishment until today that is; after I bathed the little one and watched the bathtub drain way to slow and thought to myself “here we go again”.

It’s like masturbating. I can get the job done with no drama, no having to deal with anyone else’s issues or factors I didn’t see coming. And even though it’s convenient to just do it myself to the standards and expectations I dictate sometimes I just want to delegate it. “Make me orgasm!” dammit.

I want to not be so Linda Hamilton in Terminator all the time and be more (batting eyelashes like I want to make a wind tunnel) “Gee, honey I really don’t know. Will lipstick or thong straps help? Because I’m just a girl.” But alas, If a man were here I would be much more like Mae West probably would in this same situation “I can do this shit honey, but that’s what you’re here forπŸ’‹”

Lol

All wishful thinking on my part unfortunately. That bathtub drain just ain’t gonna fix itself.

Holding Back – No more, Obey me!

There seems to be a not so fine line between telling it like it is and keeping your mouth shut. Up until now I’ve opted for the latter. For one you look less stupider that way🀣. Second there is no way to know when what you say can benefit or hurt someone. I’ve seen the most sincere compliments throw people into emotional frenzies.

I think I’m getting to the age where I feel entitled. Much like septuagenarians and octogenarians feel; as if their opinion is pivotal. I’m feeling that rush of “here it is; take it or leave it”. And I want to bring it all out. I want my voice to be heard. I want it to roar over the highest tree peeks or whisper softly into a needing heart. It will inevidently be wrong, hurt someone and get odd looks. Seems no matter what you say judgement resounds loudly.

So….. who cares? 100 years from now what will be left of me, my thoughts, my actions, my voice? Hopefully, maybe just an imprint of kindness and a gentle wave of “giving a fuck” and if people get me the wrong way…. so be it.

——–

I always say men and woman are equal. Theoretically I absolutely believe this. Where one gender has some general pluses the other excels at other aspects. There is a symbiosis and natural alignment. Now this doesn’t take into account that all people are unique.

I honestly think sometimes women take it too far and treat men as woman have historically been treated. Sometimes it’s fun; like objectifying them. Although I still don’t personally care for Chippendales.

Today I had a friend ask me what I truly want and these words came immediately to mind; love, devotion and obedience. Lol. Hypocrite that I am or very true Domme. However you want to look at it. I’m done pretending to be someone I’m not. I want what I want and I’d rather get exactly what I want or have nothing at all. Maybe I am a martyr or maybe I simply believe “that which you seek, is seeking you” (- Cheri Huber)

πŸ’‹β€οΈ

Should I just admit it?

I’m a sadist

Physically for sure (in a sexual relationship)*

And I think maybe emotionally as well

Because while I intuitively feel people’s emotions

It’s hard for me to align them

It’s hard for me to see the sequence to them sometimes

Which is why I (at times) need clarification

I also sometimes say things people interpret badly but since in my heart I mean no ill I don’t always see the direct correlation

Which by default I believe

Makes me an emotional sadist

And backpedaling my way out of it never seems to work either

Because at the point I need to explain

My explanations don’t seem to matter much

Which is why I agree so much with this

And since I refuse to be lambasted for things I don’t feel at fault for

A stalemate ensues

At which point I will refer whoever need be

Back to the first sentence in this post

And leave it at that

πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

—–

*not always, but yes….. some. Te he he

—-

It’s an interesting conundrum. I think I try to meet people where they are and in a way they understand; sometimes this takes a lot of energy though. But ask anyone that knows me well and they’d all say I’m a very deeply, loving person. I guess I’m different things to different people. As it should be I suppose….maybe…. or at least it seems that way regardless of how I may want it. Lol.

Everyone is someone’s Devil I suppose.

πŸ™ˆπŸ™‰πŸ™Š

Puffy Face

Today, just as yesterday, I woke up with a puffy face

As if I had cried in my sleep all night

I barely scraped myself out of bed at noon yesterday

And today may have been much the same

But the sink needs snaking

And life goes on

“The time has come my little friends
To talk of other things
Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax
Of cabbagges and kings
And while the sea is boiling hot
And wheather pigs have wings
Kaloo Kalay come run away
With the cabbagges and kings”

– Walrus and the Carpenter (Alice in Wonderland)

I want to play – just not that

I love games.

Love them

Generally speaking

I just don’t like stupid games

That make people feel bad for things outside of their control

It’s a set up

And I refuse to play

I refuse to feel sorry for myself for things that are normal

Like anything to do with my body

And it’s functions

My emotions, thoughts, and desires

Any game involving these things

Where I’m inherently set up to fail from the very start

I DO NOT want to play

I’ll just keep playing my own games

Thank you very much!

Inescapable Drama / phone break-up

I have drama within myself already

Maybe that’s why I prefer calmness around me

I know heaviness

Which is why I reach for lightness

I battle monsters

Which is why I look to angels for guidance

Which is why I call to God so much

——

My phone was telling me to break up with Brad.

I really don’t like being one of those people that always talks about their relationship drama and yet….. I feel like I’m slippery-sloping my way there.

Last night we almost broke up again. He says he can’t be himself with me. I say sometimes he does get on my nerves and I don’t like who I am when I roll my eyes and wish he’d just stop talking and when I have to figure out how to get him to be less Three Stooges in tactful, loving ways. Let’s say that’s not a huge strong suit of mine. I still do try….but πŸ™„

As we were using this app to text because my phone doesn’t want to text to android anymore; the “break up” part of the text kept flashing at me. It felt relevant; but I’m not letting technology dictate my life I’m letting my heart dictate it……

He says the ship has sailed for him to ever feel comfortable enough to be himself with me. He says I cause him anxiety. I can understand why. I sometimes have made men so nervous they can barely speak and other times so comfortable and accepted they cry. I have no control over how someone reacts to me. I truly don’t. I never mean harm. I thought he was trainable. He says he knows my heart. One of us seems wrong. Lol

I have no idea what we’re doing now. Truthfully. I just hate the arguing. It’s getting ridiculous and yet I don’t know how to turn it around. He said “imagine us married and driving down the rode together and you are mad because I say something like “why did this guy have to cut me off” and you’d be so irritated you’d be sitting there staring out the window angered”.

It sounded not only believable but like complete misery. That is most definitely not what I want. Why does he imagine this? Why can’t he imagine nice things? This is why I say most of what comes out of his mouth is negative and he seems too obtuse to see it: negative, silly or sexual. Guess I should be less irritated about the silly stuff.

What I want is a man that believes in our relationship to the ends of the earth and wants to see it succeed. Proves his worthiness of my love in a million little ways not because he has to, not because he is scared to lose me, but because he loves me and wants my happiness above all else and it’s born in his heart to show up every day for me.

I know my love is worth it. I guess like my ex husband says….. who I can admit is sometimes right (lol)…. “someone will come along and figure it out”. Right? Yep. Absolutely. Uhu. Yep yep.

Or not

I can be alone. Alone is much better than in bad company or company that makes you miserable. At least I think so. Doesn’t seem to be the consensus though from what I’ve seen.

I think I am ever understanding; ever patient, ever willing to work at something….

I’m so confused. I think I need to take some time and figure this out in my heart and head. What do I really want? Me! What is it I need to happen here?

——–

Led Zeppelin – Thank You, Going to California, The Rain Song

It’s a sullen Zeppelin morning.

—-

I really need to start exercising and I’m giving up sugar for December too. I’m considering it my Christmas lent.

Yoga here I come!!