Cloning = My Worst Nightmares

This has zero to do with sex so move on if you’re not into dreams; which let’s face it few are. Lol. I totally get it. This is why therapist get paid. No one wants to listen to it. Right? OMG. I crack myself up.

Since I was little; as far back as I remember I’ve had this reoccurring dream. I haven’t had it for 20 years but for my entire time and childhood before that I definitely did. That’s a chunk of years. Trust me. 😂

OMG I love pot!!

Ummmm wait, what…..

Yea. So this dream….

Think white endless room like being in a cloud and then all you see is a long line of your mom and it was your job to pick the right one. If you picked wrong you were stuck with whatever you chose; regardless. You wouldn’t always know right away. Sometimes the differences were obvious: not tall enough, different skin tone, different mannerisms, etc. Other times no matter how much you thought you chose the right one you didn’t. Sometimes she would be better and you’d actually be ok with the error and even a bit happy; other times she would be so much worse and you would be so absolutely, horrendously miserable.

This made me sweat bullets and gave me so much anxiety. Obviously I always wanted just my mom. That’s all I wanted but having to chose was so difficult…and so stressful. This would happen with either my mom or dad.

So cloning. Cloning is that in real life. Imagine we get to the point where we are so overstressed and over burdened that the necessity of cloning oneself and the cost and technology allows that to easily happen. Then imagine that once done it works so smooth and seamlessly that this clone is now effectively you and maybe even liked better. Lol. OMG. It’s just too much for me to even think of. How many of “one” needs to exist? I don’t get it. Really I don’t.

When our morality and humanity; our empathy, compassion and camaraderie as a species and as part of the universe is as advanced as science then and only then will I consider it. Until then the madness of science and technology in the hands of these manipulative and greedy corporate assholes is like giving matches to a toddler. Yea. Good luck with that! That’s going to go well. 🙄

Thought I’d share

This is what I sent the guy that I auditioned for lover. Jk. I gave him a try. He would have made the cut had I really just wanted a lover. He seemed trainable to and A+ for enthusiasm. I mean he did fuck me twice for over 2 hours total foreplay and all.

I really only inserted the last part of that text as a deterrent from getting him to hit me up for sex again and honestly because that’s good advice for any man. Stubborn mules that you men tend to be I’m sure he won’t catch on to it. That’s the thing; when we bug you for stuff it’s not for no good reason. Wish somehow we could get that through to ya’ll. Lol.

Don’t get me wrong too though…some of my gender are way too fucking high maintenance, emotional and irrational. God knows I can be when I’m in love. Lol This is why there’s just no chance in hell I could have a relationship with another female. I mean yes I’m a never say never gal but jeez. Lol. No no. I don’t think so! Look…

Women are glorious, beautiful, soulful creatures and men have their own testosterone (hormonally) fueled drama…let’s not forget. Such is the saga of human life. I find it all rather comical really, even sometimes bordering on idiotic…but then I didn’t create the world. It created me.

Where was I going with this? Mwahahahaha. Stoney-bologna. Does anyone even eat bologna? I loved it as a kid. Mmmmmmmmmmm. To be so happy again with just a crappy ass bologna sandwich.

I’m striving for that stupid, innocent happiness again. Lol The only thing that comes close to that has been gratitude and stopping to enjoy the little things. Hard to maintain though because there’s no way to be grateful without giant scoops of humility and there’s no way to make time for the little things without going much slower than life seems to allow. 🤔🤨

That’s it…I’m done listening to love songs!

I’ve had all I can take. This is ridiculous! For whatever reason right now I am not in a relationship. I accept it; begrudgingly. But I’m tired of wasting all this energy thinking about it. The most difficult part of this will be finding an outlet for my sexual energy. I’ve slated two work out sessions tomorrow to try and combat that and I think I’ll break out the new vibrator soon.

If that means I have to listen to classical or polka or even songs from dialects I don’t understand that would be better than this constant love song barrage. If I didn’t constantly have music on that would be another story maybe but I literally listen to music all day long so really. The obsession is real. Plus and I can’t stress this point enough; the person I’m meant to be with isn’t here with me now; so how am I to know what love songs he will inspire me to gravitate towards. Hopefully the most passionate, deep and heartfelt ones ever made; but we aren’t at that stage of the game.

So… this isn’t meant to be a one person act. I don’t want to orchestrate the entire thing. I want to be overwhelmed. I want lightening to strike. I want it to all be really rather effortlessly beautiful. Is that too much to ask? No idea. Maybe it is.

For now we’ll cut out the love sonnets and focus on just having fun and getting to where I want to go or think I want to go. I’m still a work in progress. I’m okay with that. I have all my life to live it and I refuse to become complacent with it or latch on to things I don’t believe in. I only get one turn on this merry-go-round. Saddle up! It’s fun and madness and real and raw and I love it all!!!…

& thank God for bubble baths too!!!

I hate Fridays

When I was younger and single Friday’s were my jam. I always went out on Friday. Even if the week had been abysmal and I was exhausted I rallied and pulled off a fun Friday. I was determined. I worked my ass off during the week. Usually hitting the gym daily and then working hard and commuting. I basically had no life during the week so Friday was the day to say “fuck this; I’m having fun” to it all…and even when they didn’t turn into epic nights I made the opportunity available and some nights were epic.

Now…well. I don’t really drink, I don’t really have party type friends, I don’t have a steady man to enjoy the nightlife with and I’m not dating. Soooo. Friday’s are not my favorite day. Twiddling my thumbs was never my specialty. Ugghhhhh. Hobbies.

I need hobbies. Something either physical or something mellow; nothing involving mental agility as I’ve previously discussed my brain activity after 6pm is not at its best…it’s not bad but I’m competitive by nature sooo…yea. I want all the edge I can get always. I am rather busy now too. So many projects and life changes going on that Friday’s should be the least of my worries and yet…😔

and yet…

here comes another lonely Friday night.

“Hold you in my Arms” – Ray LaMontagne

My eldest says the songs I listen to are sad. They aren’t. Not all of them. I have my dance track, my workout track, my morning track, 80’s punk, country, techno, on and on…but I also have songs like this that I’m listening to now…that yes I suppose are a bit sad. Admittedly.

“It takes a lot to Know a Man” – Damien Rice

“Let it be me” – another Ray song


So I’m going to come clean here. I’ve had over a dozen calls and that doesn’t even count the repeat calls for the escort service website I set-up. Each time I’ve literally been standing by my phone and I just watch it ring. A few times I texted back a hi. Twice I actually picked up (I know. I can’t believe it myself). Once was an acquaintances that had lost my cell number. Once I got hung up on. I answered out of curiosity really. Like “who are you?” “What are you about?” “What is it you are really needing in life?” because I’m pretty sure it’s not really an escort or Domme. Lol. Or even sex (which I wouldn’t do anyway).

I’m not even sure why I even have it up still. Part of me hopes maybe Club Privata will give me a job paying as an MC and more burlesque type activities and lots of games. Wouldn’t that be fun? Lol. Don’t get me wrong. I’m applying for county jobs too, not sure how I’m going to pass the drug tests when we get there…it’s going to be a challenge staying off RSO a few weeks.

It’s the exact same thing as taking someone off anxiety meds. For me at least; it’s mostly medical and partially spiritual. Since I’ve never had pot with anyone really I can’t say it’s for fun. I only ever do it right before my bubble bath and then right to bed or after the kids are asleep. Maybe one day I will be able to say it’s for fun though.


I’m feeling so all alone in the world. When things aren’t especially good I tend to bury my head in my shell like a tortoise and isolate myself more than my standard hermit like (at times) behavior. Not that I even have that many friends or all that supportive of a family to begin with & I’ve even avoided all their calls lately.

Not sure what it in store for me. I suppose no one ever knows. The next corner holds a mystery for us all. It’s the crux and beauty of life. Isn’t it?

Sherry Braised Beef Cheeks – who am I kidding?

I felt myself getting wet again tonight and went to check. It smelled exactly like the scrumptious sherry braised beef cheeks I made earlier. I expected it to taste that way too since it was so pungent. It had no taste. Made me laugh though and remember how wildly the taste of my long term boyfriends cum always was. Sometimes excessively salty, other times subtly sweet. Boy did I love giving him blow jobs. I didn’t recognize until this year that my own taste was as wildly varied as well. It was never mentioned to me. 🤔


Why this makes me think of my new lover I don’t quite know. I think I’m going to have to pass on him. Not because I don’t want him specifically; there is nothing wrong with him at all. It’s just that I have my heart set on true love…and waiting…no matter how excruciating it will be is the right answer; for me. I can’t speak for anyone else. I keep trying to talk myself out of abstinence because well…sex is awesome. But…well…

He’s there for now. It’s nice to know that at least. “Single and eligible” as he said to me. Maybe if the mood strikes just right I’ll give him another go. Maybe…I’m guessing not though. He was so cute about the whole thing. The way he gushed on and on about me having him over for sex; a huge compliment and ego boost he said. He had never had the honor from a girl he didn’t already have a past with. Lol. Adorable. We went on a date. We made out a little. Didn’t seem outlandish to me to give him a try.

I just keep forgetting it’s not going to cut it. It just won’t.

I can think of a few situations where I would and could break with this but there are so many if, but, maybe’s that frankly it isn’t even worth mentioning or thinking about at all. Which is too bad because I love thinking about it. 😉💋

Love, sex and…


I think I have a lover now. It’s not quite official yet. We’re still in the trying it out phase.

He’s handsome and passionate. He’s a responsible adult with absolutely zero drama. We’ll see how it goes. For now it’s just nice having an outlet for my sexual desires and something to look forward to weekly (at least; I’m hoping). I have a preference for 2-5 times a week but without living together that number isn’t realistic for two adults with careers and kids.

I really want the magical combination; great sex, love, fun and friendship. Of all those things fun and sex are the easiest to come by and love and friendship the hardest (IMO). Soooo… the club is fun, my lover now gives me sex and the hunt continues for the real deal. Not so much a hunt as just being open to it when it does come. Having a lover is a nice boost for my self esteem, an awesome tension release, and a great way to abate the intense overdrive that has me in constant lust mode. Kicks it down a few notches at least.

Here’s the outfit I wore to the club Friday. What do you think? Not sure if you can tell, but the skirt is see-through. Vroom vroom boys.