Compassion *RANT*

God fucking sakes

I try so hard to be compassionate

And it is always hardest to be compassionate to those that lack compassion themselves

that’s not to say I’m wasting my own compassion on them

It just feels that way sometimes.

There was this video that went viral recently of a man shaving on a New Jersey train. When I saw it I saw no issue with his actions. I was completely nonplused. I really didn’t even get why their was a video; much less why it went viral. In fact, why people get their chonies all bunched up over idiotic things like this that don’t really concern or involve them and aren’t hurting anyone will never cease to amaze me.

But it’s ok to ride on the transit with thief’s, killers, rapists, bigots, etc. They act and look “adequate”; behave within the confines of normalcy. So that’s fine; but this poor schlep gets the brunt of someone’s self-righteous pomp and others seemed to happily chime in with agreement.

Why? Do people seriously not realize that most sociopath/psychopaths go out of their way to look presentable and act normal and even charismatic. At the very least they try to blend in and not bring attention to themselves. It’s only the mentally incompetent, or truly psychotic and deranged that behave irrationally, unpredictably and far outside normal parameters.

But this guy….. cut the man some slack. Frankly, I was not at all surprised to hear he had a sad back story for why he was shaving on the bus. Had that person videotaping him had some compassion and maybe used their phone to provide a mirror for his use instead of a tool for humiliation then he would not have had to suffer the additional burden of having to justify his behavior to a bunch of people who don’t deserve it.


This is why I let people believe whatever they want about me. This is why I don’t give 3 fucks what people say about me. This is why I hold my head up when some people seem to think I should slither away into some crevice reserved for those they deem unworthy. Because you know what??

It is no one’s job to judge me. That we have magistrates, police and bureaucracies to enforce asinine rules; half of which are unnecessary and the other half are simply common sense and common decency based. Which entitled and idiotic people seem to want to always impose on other people only. Which I say don’t even need to be imposed at all in a world ruled by compassion.

Which is the entire premise of this rant……

How hard is it to show compassion? How hard is it to pitch in instead of bitch about something? To lend a hand instead of simply passing judgment. To lead with your fucking heart and not come at things with a “how does this affect me?” mentality but rather a “how can I make a difference?” or “how can I help?” or at the very least “how would I like to be treated; where that me or mine or something/someone I cared about?”

Gee. I don’t know. What’s it going to take for humanity to fucking start acting HUMANE?!?!?!!!


Brad and I will be going to a Trans/CD event this weekend. I’m excited and apprehensive. I know how turned on he was by the photos I sent him of men with penises and tits. I know because he proceeded to find his own photos to send me telling me how much it got him going. It is pretty fucking hot!! No?

Not in a freaky carnival sideshow kind of way either. It fascinates and draws me in. I’ve always loved things outside the norm, but I do genuinely find them breathtaking. There was one on fetlife I was so intrigued by. She/he was just fucking yum! Such a turn-on. (Not her, but he/she’s gorge, right?)

Frankly, I don’t think anything will happen beyond Brad and I fucking. But he is chomping at the bit to incorporate people into our sex life. I need to know we are on solid ground first. Then again. I do get caught up in the heat of the moment sometimes; when my hedonism takes over.

I guess we shall see. I generally rule nothing out completely. lol

Alanis Morisette, a Prank Call, and legal prostitution?

I got a prank call today. She sounded like a teenager that should have been in school. I played along until she got bored and figured I was really dense at not picking up on all the giggling her and her entourage were trying to loosely hold back and hung up on me. People still do that? Made me smile and roll my eyes remembering my own idiotic teenage antics.


I went to see Alanis perform acoustic last night. I was impressed at all the men and even single men there. Some very young. Maybe gay. Who knows or cares really; just interesting. One man was very into it. I could tell “Jagged Little Pill” had been an anthem album to his decade as well. She mumbled and moved her powerhouse voice away from the mike quite a bit so I was glad she only played two songs I was not familiar with because I couldn’t follow the lyrics I didn’t know.


I had a friend recently recommend a dating site for people that seek financial arrangements. She told me it was very easy and works well. I guess there are men out there that are willing as Charlie Sheen puts it “to pay for women to leave”. I’ve never had that problem* but I can see the benefits of such an arrangement.

For starters I rather like simple, cut and dry expectations. An easy contractual-like tit for tat arrangement is practical. Then too for me personally I think it would make sense. For starters because I have severe PTSD about having men around my kiddo’s. Any man really….. let alone giving one potentially intimate access to them (vis-à-vis: under the same roof).

Secondly, well…. it would ensure to keep the breakers on. No one can get too carried away. It’s a predefined limited situation… not to say it can’t be long term, intimate and monogamous. Who knows? And then of course let’s not forget the mutual benefits. I wonder if it would still include power exchanges. I do so love them. Lol


It is completely and totally irrelevant right now as Brad and I are back on. In fact when I told him what she told me he absolutely flipped out. I always forget to hold back information that could be construed as threatening. I was just sharing. I don’t have a good filter for these things though and tend to way overshare…. if you all haven’t already noticed.

And, of course, he took all this as an afront. She only told me to try to assuage my financial stress load. Like “hey…. here’s another possible option if things don’t pan out”. Not that Brad is being seen as a mealticket mind you.

I think I’ve been clear that to date I’ve never made money a priority or gotten paid for sex/companionship. I’ve dated a homeless man and turned down dates with millionaires. So if that doesn’t say something I’m not sure what would. Money and financial security are obviously important but it’s not even in the top 5 for me. Mutual genuine love and respect, adoration, passion, trust, fun, laughter and connection, intimacy, friendship and truly enjoying each other’s company….. now that’s as Spiral Artist say “The Bee’s Knees”.

But this also isn’t something I haven’t previously considered. In my defense, I haven’t had things very easy. I was given intelligence but I was not given an easy trajectory. I was given a horribly abusive and unstable childhood. Adults that completely disregarded my emotional, physical and mental well being, but did feed, cloth and shelter me….and truthfully I’m not blaming them or anyone else.

These people in my life all did the best they could. The best they wanted to at least. They mostly tried. My mother did at least. Lol. Hey….I’m a grown adult now. I have my own kids and issues. I’m not trying to cut anyone down. I know how hard this living thing gets.


I’ve been on my own own since I was 17. I did manage to put myself through community college while working 40-50 hour weeks in my 20’s. I remember falling asleep in some classes. I got 2 classes away from an associates and quit. Boys were always too much of a distraction.

Then marriage and kids and divorce and here we are. Parents that have their own priorities; my father on fiancé #4 who is younger and prettier than me, and also a Hawaiian dance instructor. My mother retired and struggling with her health while trying to travel as much as possible to get away from her boyfriend of 35 years who she has a strange plutonic co-dependent thing going with.

No one else on my side really. One half sibling I know little about and very few friends. Which could be good or bad I suppose. I don’t see it as either. Just what is. That’s what it is.

I guess there’s nothing left to do but keep going. One foot in front of the other…. arms open. Trying to pull this heart out of the rubble. Okay life. Here goes another day.


*in that I’m very fortunate that men enjoy and want my company beyond just sex that is.


I’m glad I was given the ability to sense peoples emotions because I have a terrible time gauging not only what people’s intentions are but also understanding their reactions.

I have been known to be overly blunt and truthful. I am more factual than usually needed or desired. I often hurt people’s feelings because I express the truth without always filtering it through a lens of sensitivity. I remember one gentleman I dated would tell me “I forget you’re never going to tell me what I want to hear.” He would say it jokingly but it was very true. He would ask me questions trying to coax a compliment out of me and I would always surprise him with some off the wall commentary.

I don’t seem to follow a lot of common linear thought processes that are ingrained into most people. It’s a quirk that sometimes alienates people. Interestingly it’s usually only been by bosses and superiors that have loved and appreciated this quality. Friends and family always seem to find me funny when I’m not really trying to be. Employees, colleagues and strangers seem to sometimes be caught off guard or even take offense to what I say.

Even though I never mean anything bad. Speaking the truth without accounting for people’s neurosis will do that. This is much different to insulting and/or degrading people. It’s just not pandering to people’s insecurities, truthfully because I don’t understand most of them; and for me the truth is the truth is the truth. I can handle the truth. It’s the idiocy and pretenses of life that really get to me.

I also unfortunately can not always ascertain people’s intentions. Sometimes people are much nicer or much crueler than I pick up on. I pick up on emotions which are the effect but I don’t always understand or read the causation well. Which again tends to alienate people because I don’t respond as they intend or want me to.

I sometimes need to be told I was insulted. I sometimes need to be told how demonstrative, kind and attentive a person is being to me. I frankly just assume people are being themselves and I don’t take it personal. I try to be gracious and grateful irregardless of what people do.

So it takes people telling me “hey…look… it IS personal”. Which is basically someone just telling me my response and interpretation was incorrect. But this isn’t something I work at trying to fix. I truthfully don’t think I have some feature most people must have. Which is why I am truly so grateful to be able to read people’s emotions. Otherwise I can’t imagine not only the disconnect but how easily I could be manipulated.

But you can’t easily manipulate something that changes with the input received. It would essentially be a new response to each situation. That is after all what I am truly striving for in trying to be genuine and is much more important to me than whatever it is I seem to falter at. We are all unique creatures. All with our own pluses and minuses. That I take everything with a grain of salt or don’t take things too seriously is just part of the way my thought processes work.

No reason to belittle myself over it. Rather I’m just taking a moment to be thankful that where one connection failed another bridge was built to help navigate my way in this mad, mad world.


Oh yea and I did manage to orgasm twice the other day. Took a bit but well worth the effort. Nothing like human touch though. I’ll take a mediocre orgasm with a real person to three spectacular orgasms by myself. It’s my tactile nature. What can I say?

Text Sex

Pardon my typos 💋❤️🌈🌹


One day though this will come to fruition or something similar. Hopefully.

Would it be at all hard to believe I’ve never text sexed before?

Writing comes easy. It’s part fantasy, part fiction, part hazy memories and delusional rhetoric. Real life is so much more complicated. Lol.

Is your Mommy home?

I’ve been asked this question dozens upon dozens of times because I have a very childlike voice. In fact it wasn’t until both this decade of my life and the commonality of cell phones that I have not been asked this. It does happen that telemarketers generally hang up on me though; which I consider a positive.

I was reminded today of the brief stint when I turned 18 as both a private dancer and a sex phone operator. I lasted at each job exactly one week….. because I sucked at both of them.

I think I’ve talked about both jobs already so I won’t go into too much depth but I still after all these years find it hysterically funny how bad I was at phone sex and also get into stitches that the two people who did the best at that job were actually both gay men disguising their voices as women. They would do these choreographed dance routines in the middle of the call center and visit with whomever they chose. They were the untouchables because their average phone call was at least twice as long as every other girl there and far outpaced me.

I once did get an 18 minute phone call from a poor guy in the Midwest. He told me his wife who he loved dearly was very conservative and only liked missionary position and even then he wasn’t quite sure she liked it all that much. So because he didn’t want to cheat on her he called these lines fairly often desirous of exotic fantasies with different girls and positions.

Another time a guy just wanted to sincerely know all about me and why I was working there, yet somehow these calls did little to increase my average and the manager would yell at me constantly giving me scripts which were far too idiotic to actually use.

The stress, yelling and horrible call averages where enough to make me easily walk away from that job. But I’ll never forget my two gay dancing role models. They tried so hard to get me to learn. I would work into their calls and I just couldn’t help but laugh at what they would say. I was suppose to be their slutty girlfriend that wanted in on the phone play but I found the whole thing just plain hysterical. I guess I just didn’t get it. Of course I was barely 18 then. The extent of the skills I needed to seduce a man involved maybe a smile. Lol

I still don’t really get phone or Skype sex all that much. Don’t get me wrong….. with someone you actually like and know it’s probably great. Truthfully since that time ions ago I’ve only had phone sex all of once. I don’t remember getting off either. I only remember hiding in the closet so no one in the house could hear me. Lol. Funny the parts of memories that stick around.

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo

Alone or lonely

Scared or cautious

Funny or jaded

Smart or guarded

Lazy or systematic

Procrastinator or optimist

I need to get out of my head

You know what I need to do?

What I should do right now?




I had a man accuse me of exhibitionism or attention seeking with my blog.

I don’t see it that way. I see it as my introversion and writing seeking an outlet. That there is a small returning audience to read my silly diaries is a guilty pleasure. I will admit that. Yes. It gives me comfort and joy. I don’t see the harm or wrong in that. I’m not changing who I am or trying to portray a false character of myself to please anyone or seek accolades and adoration.

I’m just being me. Maybe I gloss over some of the underbelly. Hey. In the reel of our lives there is the truth and then there is our own perspective of that truth. Where they to play the good and the bad separately I’d be thought of as an angel or a demon, as beautiful or hideous…..but no, like everyone else I will always just be a fallible human character in a state of being…..until the day I am not at least. Then on to the next adventure. Whatever that may be. Right?


It is when you stop fearing that you can truly live.


update: couldn’t masturbate last night with the sick toddler at my side. Lol. I’m shooting for 2-3 orgasms right now. Wish me luck. 💋