I’m fucking retarded

God…..I’m struggling.

I told the doctor I needed anxiety medication today. I asked for something I could use as needed and not daily. Something that was not addictive. I went to pick up the script and it wasn’t there. I called the office and they simply said they would relay the message.

My anxiety for some reason was through the roof too. Maybe because I had to go to the department of health services. It makes me feel horrible going there. I can’t explain it but it just does something to me. It really fucks with my head. It leaves me always emotionally unsettled. I’ve never liked asking for help and this is a whole new level of hell for me. Even though everyone there is usually very kind.

So I dropped off the paperwork needed and now I wait to hear back. So I then decided to do what only a total idiot would do. I decide to go drink at the bar. I entice my friend to go with me. I also told her about my anxiety meds not getting filled and she offers to give me some of hers. She hands me xanax and with my two ciders I felt so relaxed and calm and loose. Too loose really; like my body was really heavy and hard to control.

The worst part is now that I think back on it. I can’t remember driving myself home. I can’t remember paying my bill. I can’t remember if the kids were home when I got here or they came after. I don’t black out so this is an oddity for me and even two large ciders would never do that.

Jeezus. Remind me to never take xanax again. Yikes. I realize people build a tolerance but just one had me way loopy. Wonder if I’ll wake up hungover. I’m really not even feeling that great now truthfully.

Ugghhh, I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I keep wavering and the paths are close enough that I can weave my way back and forth right now but the time will come when one will stick.

Brad texted and called tonight. Doesn’t he get that this is really hard for me too? I suppose a lot of people wait to have another person on deck before a break up. That’s definitely the easy way, but it’s not the right way. It’s my belief that any relationship that starts by hurting someone else and/or with deception can’t possibly end well, but who knows. It’s just the wrong way to go about things.

My head is so groggy. Ugghhh. I like drugs. Some drugs. Like THC. But this…..this stuff. Even my heart seems to be off beat a tiny bit. That can’t possibly be good. Ugghhh. Well. Let’s hope this all wears off by morning. Tomorrow is 5th grade graduation. Hopefully I won’t look and feel like something the dog dragged around, buried and then dug up 2 months later.

πŸ˜¬πŸ’€πŸ˜΄

Goodnight!

Turbulent days

Topsy turvey day today. I’ve been happy one moment and on the verge of tears the next. Struggling with thoughts of the future. Going through the process of a temporary loan modification on my mortgage. Having to set up my phone. Haven’t done those damn IRS forms. Fun, fun!

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It is interesting to me how many people ask me about the Gerson Therapy. I am happy to share anything I can but realistically I know most people can’t do it. For one because the protocol as it stands doesn’t allow for people to leave their house. It is very drastic; time and labor intensive. However, this isn’t just something you do for fun anyway. It’s something you do when you know your body desperately needs a complete reset.

It is very difficult and it is no joke. I wanted to modify it for people to be able to do the protocol and still work and function outside of their house. In the six months I did the therapy I can count on one hand when I left the house for more than 2 hours at a time because my entire life was the protocol. Now….it absolutely saved my life, but it isn’t for everyone.

I guess I keep coming back to thinking of it because people are so curious about it. I was contemplating even possibly taking in a terminal patient into my studio for a month at a time. 2 months is more than enough time to see if the body will respond to the therapy. But to make it feasible for me I would have to charge upwards of $5-6k a month. Especially because the organic food and supplements aren’t cheap. Plus all the time and labor necessary for the protocol.

But we shall see.

I know my spirit is a bit down because I am having to force myself to eat. Once I take a bite I realize I’m hungry but I don’t really want to eat. This only ever happens to me when I’m hyper busy or at an emotional ebb. Oh well. No use dwelling on it. Such is life. We ebb and flow continually in all aspects. I guess that’s the fun of it too.

Enjoy your Monday!

Off to a doc appt and then kindergarten graduation. My baby isn’t a baby anymore. Just a sassy ball of cuteness learning her way in the world. She was so excited when she left this morning. I asked her why and she said “Because I hate school”. Lol. Oh boy! I didn’t want to mention how much of it she has left. 🀣😬🀭

πŸ™‚πŸ₯°πŸŒˆπŸ’‹πŸ’–πŸŒΊπŸŒž

Angry

I took a heavy dose of CBD/THC last night hoping to relax and wake up refreshed. I woke up tight still in my shoulders and angry. Every other thought was one of stress or anger. I had to keep redirecting myself. I was thinking maybe it had to do with Brad and the dissolution of that relationship.

I slapped on my pajamas and went to get donuts first thing. On the way “I will follow you into the dark” played and tears streamed down my face. It is not just about Brad. It’s about love. It’s about going in and it not working out. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find love when I started dating again after getting divorced and to find it twice, in different ways, bringing up different experiences I suppose can be seen as a good thing. But it is also scary to know that part of the problem is me.

Part of the problem is very deep psyche stuff that predisposes me to my preferences and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Because I want to be deeply attracted to who I am with but I also want to know that my heart is safe, my goals, ideals and dreams respected and my spirit treasured as well. I want to know beyond any doubt that the relationship is a healthy and good one for me and everything and everyone in my life.

I’ve had the interesting occurrence of being nervous with two clients recently; one male and one female. I found them both mesmerizing and I found myself over thinking everything I said and did to the point I had trouble formulating my words correctly. I don’t normally get that way so it was so intriguing to see myself like this and then to try and suppress it.

At work I am the consummate professional, at absolutely all times. That’s the mind set I take on and I don’t deviate from that ever (at work). Except to cry a little with them or lecture them a tiny little bit when they need some mothering. Like when they know they should have a doctor or naturopath working with them.

In both the cases where I felt a twinge of desire I of course did and said nothing. It was just nice to feel that slightly flush feeling and feel my heart race a little. I was thinking last night that I was glad I gained these 20lbs with Brad so I would have a timeframe in my own head for when to start dating again. But does life ever work that way?

It’s all so confusing and the disappointment is so real. I just have to focus on me. Focus on where I need to be. But I can’t help that underneath all this bravado and determination is still just a flesh and blood woman that wants to be in love. I really can’t help that at all. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

Busy day today. I have kimonos to get up on eBay for my client and then a colonic client tonight. Then an easier week ahead. So hopefully I can play catch-up a bit and get my summer plans organized. Garage sale. See if my mom is going to come down to ask for that time off. See if my ex will be taking the kiddos anywhere. Stuff like that.

Summer!!! πŸŒŠπŸŒˆπŸ”†πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ˜πŸ’‹

“I’m ok” they say

No bitch*, no you ain’t. Lol

My funnest clients are my most difficult ones. The ones that self advocate for themselves to the 100th degree. Even though they can be quite the handful, I find their level of self awareness and demanding style very straightforward and I can respect that. They are paying for a service and have a level of expectation for their comfort and happiness. I also tend to find them very amusing usually because this manifests differently for everyone and it’s always fun to see how.

The clients I actually get more frustrated with are the ones that are so meek and unaware of their own desires and preferences that they don’t want to “put me out” and ask nothing of me. It’s one thing if you want your space and to be left at peace and quite another to simply not want to be a bother. In the documentary “Heal” they called that the Cancer attitude, and yes they mean the illness.

Self advocate people!!!!!!!

It just frustrates me to no end. It truly does. I want to shake them and just be like “what do you really want??”, “Life is going to pass you by, speak your truth dammit.” But of course I say nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s not my place and I don’t see why I would rattle someone’s cage that is obviously already rattled.

I was reading about Noa Pothoven. Her story absolutely sickens me. She self advocated by killing herself directly based on being abused and not being able to cope with it any longer. She was so young. Girl suicide in on the rise and is hitting levels never seen before. This is ridiculous and beyond unacceptable.

My own daughter, middle, is at high risk for suicide. She has even spoken of it, indirectly. Saying we were better off without her and not wanting to be around. Last summer this was a huge issue. So, odd as this may seem, I suggested she do a parasite cleanse. The last time I had her do one was when we were living in Murrieta and she came down with horrendous allergies. Just misery: eyes puffy and watery, sniffles constantly, foggy headed. She was suffering. We did the cleanse and she hasn’t had allergies since.

And after we did the protocol last summer she hasn’t talked of suicide ideation again. Now I can’t say that this was the only factor or that she is out of the woods. I’ll always have to be extra vigil with this one. I’m happy she is so forthcoming with me, even as we sometimes have issues communicating.

So yeah……..

I’m not saying we need more whiners in the world and it’s perfectly ok to sincerely not want anything in life. In fact I’m all for it. If that is your truth. But we all need to self advocate for our truth, for ourselves, for our lives. We all need to be our biggest and loudest advocate and cheerleader. Don’t we?

πŸ’‹

——

*This goes for both male and female clients.

Historical Women Healers

Went to that lecture on historical figures. We learned about female healers from thousands of years back. It was truly fascinating; rituals, enchantments, ecstatic prayers, energetic frequencies.

Women have been doing this since as far back as recorded history, rock murals and ancient art depicts. Not under the radar at all; just heavily persecuted for it and yet they kept at it. Century after century in every culture and all over the world. It was very eye opening.

Probably the most interesting thing to me was how powerful yet humble and in service most of these women were. Never seeking glory or fame, but more of a sacrificial giving to humanity. So contrary to and opposed to ego and profit seeking. Grounded in nature so deeply. Plus the psychotropic drugs some used too to cross into a different realm and bring back forces beyond our own.

The more I see the more I want to seek. But at the same time it’s all been so serendipitous that I am enjoying just seeing where it takes me. Fortunately there is no time frame here. I can learn at whatever pace and in whatever manner.

There is a local church I tried joining when I first got to the area that is very spiritually based and does rituals with mild psychotropics. I inquired but never heard back and forgot all about it. Turns out my neighbor I met at the block party last week is in the church and is going to send me a link to join and let me go with her. It’s all so amazing how when I just open up to it all, it starts to come.

Doesn’t mean I still didn’t yell at two drivers today as I drove to work*. Lol. But I feel strangely grounded today and at peace. I’ll take it.

Enjoy your Saturday!!

πŸ™πŸ½πŸ₯°πŸ™‚πŸŒˆπŸ’‹πŸŒŠπŸ€—

—–

*Traffic is such my Achilles.

We don’t listen – ramble on

I need a new phone. This one is glitching. It’s probably from the many falls and cracks and what have you. So I call the claim company because it’s new and I’m paying insurance on it. They want account information, of course, but my ex is the account holder, even though I pay my own bill and I am on the account as well.

I ask the agent what other information will be needed so I don’t have to converse with him more than once and she doesn’t answer my question. I repeat my question slower and louder, which I tend to do when people irritate me. I can cop to it. Not proud.

She then gets an attitude with me but still doesn’t answer me so I ask a third time, with unnecessary punctuation and she finally answers me angrily. If she had simply answered my question the first time none of that would have needed to transpire.

I get it. We are locked into this stressful world where we are always waiting to talk, or rather in our own head with our own thoughts and agenda. I totally get it.

Listening is a lost art. I enjoy and am grateful when people take the time to stop what they are doing and listen to me intently. Because even then, truthfully, we are barely listening. Even when we give all of our attention, retention is devastatingly low. But at least during the exchange care and consideration is given and that is priceless in an of itself, I believe.

I always enjoy how deeply it moves people when I simply listen to them. When I stop every thought in my head, suspend all judgement, and just listen and witness where they are in life. It’s the simplest thing in the world but it always feel extraordinarily powerful. It’s like the best and easiest super-power we can access whenever we want to. Honoring what people are saying and letting them be and feel heard.

It surprises me when people outright lie or omit things when speaking to me. I can usually sense when something people say isn’t quite accurate but it is usually never my place to question it. For starters because it generally isn’t something that I need to care about and secondly because they, for whatever reason, want me to believe what they are saying.

I consider it like going on a small trip with someone to their make believe world. Sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it’s drama. I always go with it, because it’s usually never a life or death matter and it just really doesn’t matter to me. It’s not generally going to affect me either way. If that’s the story people want me to hear and believe, fine. Ok.

I used to date a man that told tall tales. Like how he saw a marathon and impulsively decided to join it and ended up running all 26 kilometers with no prep and training. Just on a whim. Uhu. On and on he told these horribly outlandish stories.

I think he was trying to see at what point I would call his bullshit. Even his roommate would shake her head and roll her eyes and I would calmly just be like “Really?… hmmmm…ok.”. I’m guessing he was probably so used to being charming and women loved his clean cut, nice guy thing, that I stumped him a little. Especially since I’ve always been a “show me” kind of person and he wasn’t impressing me with his usual schtick. I think this puzzled him so much he just made his stories more and more elaborate and eye raising. Needless to say that never went anywhere.

He never got that it’s really easy to lie. Most people can do it by default. It’s the truth that is hard for most people. Most people couldn’t tell you their deepest, darkest truth if their life depended on it. Simply because it’s buried so deep inside. So….yea…..I don’t know. Honestly, it confuses me why people even say most of the things they say to begin with. Most dialogue seems completely wasteful to me.

I realize this may seem an odd stance being that I love connection and authenticity so much and dialogue is one way to achieve that. I just find that the more I simply listen and calm the hamster wheels of my own mind the more I can be authentically myself as well and respond with my heart. I’m not saying it’s easy always. But it’s so very richly worthwhile. No? πŸ’‹πŸ₯°πŸ’–πŸŒˆπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒŠ

Why, but why, BuzzFeed?

I used to love BuzzFeed. I could bypass all the crap they’re always peddling and see the cute memes, pet pictures and funny lists. But no…….they’ve started incorporating more “news”. Today I had to read about “incels*”, men that don’t get laid because of their looks and hate all women especially young sexually active ones. Every day now for almost two weeks I have had to wade through some shitty violent or hate infused negative story. This isn’t what I signed up for. Dammit!!

Because you’re not making enough money with your blatant and excessive Amazon product placements posts? Jeezus.

I’m so sick of this money grubbing, shock value, spiritually devoid, vapid culture. That BuzzFeed is now adding to. It was warm and fuzzy before and now it too has become a wading through project.

Life seems to be all about wading through a bunch of crap to get to anything of significance, anything with real heart. Wonderful. Great. No one wants only happy news. I get it. Just me I guess. Just stupid little me.

—–

*Here is the thing about that. Women don’t mind ugly men. We absolutely do not. We are not that superficial, for starters, and arm candy isn’t really a thing for most of us. Not that we don’t appreciate fine looking men, of course we do. Who doesn’t? But men with humor, confidence, personality, depth, courage, honor, charm, kindness**…..these are men that stand out.

So ok. Blame your looks but I venture to say for 99.5 percent of those “incels” it is lack of the before mentioned and has absolutely zero to do with their looks. But people love excuses and putting the blame on anyone else and heaven forbid one stop to take a good look deeply at themselves first. That’s work. Who wants that?πŸ™„

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**And of course ambition, drive, strength, and money/security….(fortunately or unfortunately, but I don’t think these need to be said)