I told the doctor I needed anxiety medication today. I asked for something I could use as needed and not daily. Something that was not addictive. I went to pick up the script and it wasn’t there. I called the office and they simply said they would relay the message.
My anxiety for some reason was through the roof too. Maybe because I had to go to the department of health services. It makes me feel horrible going there. I can’t explain it but it just does something to me. It really fucks with my head. It leaves me always emotionally unsettled. I’ve never liked asking for help and this is a whole new level of hell for me. Even though everyone there is usually very kind.
So I dropped off the paperwork needed and now I wait to hear back. So I then decided to do what only a total idiot would do. I decide to go drink at the bar. I entice my friend to go with me. I also told her about my anxiety meds not getting filled and she offers to give me some of hers. She hands me xanax and with my two ciders I felt so relaxed and calm and loose. Too loose really; like my body was really heavy and hard to control.
The worst part is now that I think back on it. I can’t remember driving myself home. I can’t remember paying my bill. I can’t remember if the kids were home when I got here or they came after. I don’t black out so this is an oddity for me and even two large ciders would never do that.
Jeezus. Remind me to never take xanax again. Yikes. I realize people build a tolerance but just one had me way loopy. Wonder if I’ll wake up hungover. I’m really not even feeling that great now truthfully.
Ugghhh, I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I keep wavering and the paths are close enough that I can weave my way back and forth right now but the time will come when one will stick.
Brad texted and called tonight. Doesn’t he get that this is really hard for me too? I suppose a lot of people wait to have another person on deck before a break up. That’s definitely the easy way, but it’s not the right way. It’s my belief that any relationship that starts by hurting someone else and/or with deception can’t possibly end well, but who knows. It’s just the wrong way to go about things.
My head is so groggy. Ugghhh. I like drugs. Some drugs. Like THC. But this…..this stuff. Even my heart seems to be off beat a tiny bit. That can’t possibly be good. Ugghhh. Well. Let’s hope this all wears off by morning. Tomorrow is 5th grade graduation. Hopefully I won’t look and feel like something the dog dragged around, buried and then dug up 2 months later.