Re-Post – Food 4 Thought

Sperm Wars – Seeding Passion’s Flame

http://dionysusandblackbulls.com/2018/06/04/sperm-wars/

So the thing is that sex can go in so many different directions. I love it. I love the thought of it. All of it. The more devious and far from vanilla the more it intrigues me. Will I do all of it? No! Frankly there are some things I do not want to try….but I’m not one to judge. If you aren’t out hurting anyone else and you keep age and consent in check….. then GO FOR IT!!!

I mean…. know yourself…. know your limits…. be safe… but have fun!!! Fun!!! Everyone takes themselves way to fucking serious in this world. What for? Here today. Gone tomorrow. Cherish each day. Cherish sex!! I say.

So Excited!!!!

The last strap on I ordered didn’t work. It had a hole in the shaft for a penis. It was not for a vagina. So I ordered this one and it came today and……

——–

I literally….LITERALLY….had 6 men message me last night wanting to know what I was up to. 3 came right out and suggested sex, two wanted cuddles and one I could have directed to my liking.

But I went to sleep early and woke up late and expect to do the same tonight, even though the madness has already started. 3 inquiries already today.

I’m flattered. Truly. I mean….. why wouldn’t I be? I don’t take it for granted….. but there is only one of me and I’m not a fucking slut…regardless of what anyone thinks and I simply don’t have the mental, emotional, physical stamina to even try to deal with this right now.

I don’t even know why they assume I would. That’s the most mysterious part for me. Most of these men I’ve never even met IRL. Crazy!! What ever happened to taking a girl to dinner first? Not that I want that either but still.*

Anyway…. my allergies have been kicking my ass, my emotional equilibrium has been a bit off and I’ve been moving the kids in and reorganizing my business. All I really need is a foot massage and a hot bath, maybe breakfast in bed.

God…..I would trade one great guy for the attention of five dozen men right now. But…..ugghhh. I feel like my entire life is like that Rolling Stones song “You can’t always get what you want”….especially right now.

Well… let’s see if at least this strap on is what I want. I want to orgasm while I fuck a man. Not too much to ask. Is it?

—–

*I know though….that this isn’t solely about sex. Sex is the bonus…. I’m supposing. The real play here is feminization. For all except 1… who I haven’t exactly figured out his true desires… the game is about the play. About being free to be himself in that dynamic and appreciated that way.

I know….I guess…. from what I’ve been told… that there aren’t that many women into the feminization of men. I find that really sad, but again. I’m just ONE girl. I can’t save the world one fuck at a time. It doesn’t really work that way. I mean… I probably wouldn’t complain if it did… but it doesn’t.

& I think all that sex would leave a person feeling pretty empty inside. Personally meaningless sex is more unfulfilling than the agony of abstinence.

From what I am learning though these men would accept feminization** without having any sex at all. Maybe some would even prefer it that way. Many have offered service in exchange for play…. but that’s too much for me to wrap my head around. I haven’t played that way. I wouldn’t know where to start.

I’m hopefully having a coffee date with a beautiful young Domme next weekend that is into sadism and doesn’t fuck her subs. It’s not until I can understand these things clearly that I can see where I want to go with it. Since I have no one who’s input I need to take into consideration right now the carte blanche is just a bit overwhelming sometimes.

____

*humiliation/degradation

I don’t like to think of feminization as this but most people do sooo. Yea.

Making Love

I had a dream last night I was making love to this man I absolutely adored and who adored me. Mad love!!! No one I know in real life unfortunately.

We were in some Airbnb type situation (cohabitating) in an exotic city and he took me to the stairwell to see the gorgeous skyline. From this location you could clearly see the sky in two opposite directions. He wanted to fuck me so I could look in one specific direction and I wanted to look at the skyline in the other direction; as to me that was more beautiful and the thought of enjoying this view while having sex there with him was beyond belief.

He hesitated when I moved myself so he could see the view he wanted and I could see the view I wanted; but only for a split second. Then he saw what I was doing and smiled at me with not only full acceptance but with love. He knew. He understood.

—-

I love being a Domme and I know in a Domme situation with a female that going down on a woman is the power position. I wish that was the case with men too since I so love giving blow jobs; but unfortunately the only way to do that is either with me in complete charge, starting and stopping as I see fit, edging, involving small amounts of pain, restraint and/or feminization. I guess that will have to do since I don’t intend to stop giving them. I could always give them as a bottom, but I enjoy them much more than I like to be topped.

Obviously not now. I’m celibate now. Why do I feel like an alcoholic when I say that? Like I just jumped on the wagon. Lol

Feminization

Today I had someone question me about liking feminization and I had to take a moment to question this for myself.

Not so much the why because let’s just go with… why not?… it’s fun.

But the really….

and yes….really.

I can think back to middle school when I sat next to a boy who wore jewelry In history class. He had a gold bracelet and when he would twirl and play with it I would zero in on him and not be able to listen to a word the teacher said. I would get so immersed in it, so sexually aroused. I didn’t quite understand it but I knew it was real.

Then I was at a house party of my ex-husbands friends and the friend, a psychologist no less, made it a point that I see a video taken in college of my ex. On it they had just won some basketball championship and were all drunk. He was parading around on the bed with his shirt tucked into itself like a conga dancer and dancing femininely. Dumb me thought nothing of it.

The only thing that enraged me with blind fury was hearing his friends in the video laugh at him and then seeing him almost crying himself to sleep. God I was so clueless. But… I still am really. Sooo…

Then one of my ex-boyfriends last year, before I came out as a Domme, sent me photos of himself in a black bra. Unsolicited. My only reaction was that his face was covered and that bothered me and then it didn’t particularly look great on him. His skin tone, the fit, it was just a bit off, not sexy necessarily but not a turn off. I was clueless still.

He wouldn’t explain why he had taken it and I let it go. I’ve always been very liberal about things and I thought it was cute but didn’t bother to delve deeper. This was a man I had already pegged. We had what was in retrospect my first FLR.

Then cut to right before I was told who I was. The Dom who I was Domme’ing asked me to pick his attire for when I came over. I wanted him to wear the diamond studded collar he kept for women. He refused. I was a bit angered and simply didn’t understand, which he also didn’t clarify, that I was feminizing him. To me it was just how I wanted to see him. It was how I wanted to play.

So then…. the very first person I chatted with on Fetlife was a crossdressing switch. He wore some hot wigs and cute outfits and fucking rocked it. He likes women….. loves women, fucks and likes getting fucked by them, strap on in his exes hand and photo to prove it. Just mouthwatering. I was immediately hooked and realized I was right there all along and just never knew it and I realized for the first time it was ok to like it.

So when I had the chance to dress sweet sissy boy recently I was in heaven. He looked so fucking delicious. I can’t explain what it does to me or why. I just know it does. I like it. Does it really need explanation or evaluation? It isn’t hurting anyone. It’s just a fun and exciting dynamic. Could I drop it today? I suppose; but why? If anything I’m getting pulled/pushed/led/steered or just plain gravitating there even more so and by golly… I like it!!

—–

Sometimes I don’t like analyzing things because it raises more questions than it solves.

I had always just thought that feminine men were gay. Period. And gay men are off limits…… right? So then I learned to disassociate it from my sexual desires. It isn’t necessarily easy to stop liking what you like, trust me….

but then when you’re told hey…. what you like is ok and you can not only have it, but it wants you too.

Well…. IDK. What’s there not to be happy about?

I Hate Humiliation

Don’t ask me why, but my own personal degradation is a huge turn off

HUGE

Hard limit

Nope

Won’t do it

Won’t be subjected to it

Which is odd since I clearly like subjecting men to it

But when I do it I don’t see it as humiliation/degradation

I see it as love, lust, passion, possession, play, and most importantly FUN

lol

And I don’t do it with any bad intentions at all

—-

This has been an interesting journey

Going from not understanding or knowing we all have sexual identities

To learning my own and how to navigate between them

So I am (about)

65% Domme

20% Vanilla (go with the flow)

15% Baby Girl/Brat

I am happy with these numbers, but now what? I recognize that when I find a long term partner we will push each other’s boundaries and that I may fluctuate also of my own accord. It just seems so complicated and frankly…..

I’m sick of complicated.

If maybe only for that reason Polyamory seems an easier step. Get my needs met from various people and don’t worry about anything besides condom use. Lol

Except…..what is the category above monogamy? Possession? Complete ownership?

I am sooo possessive and jealous. When it comes to someone I love I can’t fathom even the thought of being with someone else crossing their mind; at least not without my knowledge, opinion and consent (if ever 😉 and by my orchestration only).

So how does one navigate such a vast chasm? Taking it as it comes I suppose. One moment at a time. Next……

—–

I guess what I’m finally understanding is that the connection is the most important part. The connection is what I crave. It’s what gives me breath. Space to be me, a depth of intimacy, understanding, acceptance and then…. an only then; play and sex.

That torrencial, unabashed, unconditional connection is hard to come by. Isn’t it?

The crux of it all is even worse….

sometimes…. most times…. when I start to feel a connection I pull away out of fear. It’s probably confusing to men. Am I pulling away because I don’t desire or am I pulling away because I desire too much? Lol. See what I mean? Complicated!!!!

Maybe the right thing… the right person…. won’t be complicated. Although if I’m part of the equation I tend to think that won’t be the case. Lol 🤪🤣

—-

Then also…. probably just as my natural dominant tendency. I tend to push people, in my completely brutally honest way, to see if I can get what I need from them, or sometimes what they need from me. To see if they will rise. I can accept that sometimes I can be rather illogical and impossible and incongruent or disparate, but what men don’t seem to understand is that I need to see the desire and that they are genuinely trying. I need to see the intention is there and anything less just starts to feel like selfish bullshit to me. And yet…. I’m so very, truly easy-going. Lol

Life is a constant conundrum. Isn’t it?

—-

“I won’t back down” – Johnny Cash

“Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin

Mad, mad world……

Subconscious Love

Healthy people don’t often understand

Deep psychosis

Like….

Why a battered woman stays

Or how children that get abused go on to be abused in their adult relationships

Or abuse others

Or how children that have not known true love misbehave to get any semblance of attention

But it’s like the wheelbarrow analogy

The more a wheelbarrow makes a groove in the road the more the wheelbarrow stays in that groove

So our subconscious mind works

The more we are used to a pattern of love

The more it looks for that same pattern

And breaking that cycle is horrendously hard

even more difficult than breaking an addiction

Because an addition you can cognitively understand

You can hit it from many different angles

You can gauge results almost immediately

But the desires of your subconscious mind

What it is not only drawn to

But also draws to itself

Now that…..

That is an entirely different beast

What is a person striving for normalcy to do?

Or is normalcy overrated?

We get the cards we are dealt with

No one gets a say in that

But…. if we turn the table on it’s head

So instead of playing by rules that don’t apply to a convoluted game

We play the game the way that we can win at it

The way that we can truly achieve a win/win

The way that we can be happy

Maybe not in a necessarily “normal & healthy” way, but in a way that satisfies the deep longings of our most deeply hurt selves

And a way that doesn’t cause any (more) true harm

Now that….

That right there may be the real miracle.