Chicken heads, damn parasites, Christmas wish

Is it just me or does everyone feel like a chicken with it’s head cut off right now? I don’t know if you’ve ever actually seen this in real life. Let me tell you; it’s memorable. I went to this family’s house once to see if they would let my aunt adopt their upcoming baby. They didn’t, but they did offer us homemade chicken mole poblano while we were there for the meet and greet. It was spectacularly yummy, even with the stomach queasy show.

They guillotined the thing on a wood block in the front yard. The head stayed in place and the body started running around rapidly hitting anything in it way. It was an odd spectacle until the wind died out of it and it crashed to the floor. Then they boiled the skin to get the feathers off. Quite the bit of work for a meal.

Why am I even thinking of this? Maybe because it’s a much better thought than all the things I still have to do to get ready for Christmas. OMG. So much!! No clients until the day after Christmas though. Phew. Still have 6 packages to get out. All except two can wait until after the holidays.

I also have to go make a police report at some point soon here. Bandits stole my mail and packages out of my mailbox and the one thing I know was in there was an eBay return. Fortunately covered by eBay’s insurance but not without a police report or the attempt and verification of such attempt. I get it. But just one more thing on my never ending list of things to do. Not complaining. It’s fine. This I actually find kind of comical really.

I didn’t find out the reason for the return but they were two used T84 calculators, probably not even usable. Soo. Ha ha. Meanwhile I’ll get paid. My client will get paid and the buyer will get reimbursed. Couldn’t have worked out better actually. Except hopefully I don’t keep getting targeted by bandits; one armed or not. Lol


I had a client today that came in for a back to back cleansing (two consecutive days). Yesterday I saw possible signs of blood in her digestive tract. Then today I decided we would go gentler and shorter time and right out the gate I see parasites. Uggghhhhh. I didn’t want to see them.

Even though it’s my firm belief we all have them seeing them forces my hand to actually tell her and in this case point them out so she could see them herself. This is actually the main reason I leave the room the first ten minutes of a person’s session. It’s so they get used to the sensation and function of the equipment without an observer present and also because nemotodes almost always come out at the very beginning. If I don’t see them I don’t have to mention it and trust me that the majority of people don’t want to hear about it.

I try to explain how common it is and how there are OTC remedies that can be easily researched and implimented without extensive laboratory testing and antibiotics. Cures that make your entire body into an inhospitable host and the parasites purge themselves. No one wants to talk about it. I’ve given up really but if I see them I feel absolutely obligated to tell people. Just as if I detect possible blood. Those are my two absolute tells, because at that point something needs to be done beyond my services.

Candida, solid fat globules, undigested foods, while not optimal aren’t threatening enough for me to skirt breaking the law. I am not a doctor. I can not diagnose or prescribe anything. Any protocol I mention to clients is only one I have done and believe in from my own experience and one I advocate they research themselves before trying. Also why I don’t sell products or upsell services. Not my thing. The reiki I am offering as a free adjunct.

Funny story there.

I was demonstrating to my client yesterday how reiki should work and I was holding my hands over his tummy (not touching it) and I said “my intention is for you to release. I am using energy to send a signal to your body to purge” and I kid you not, mere seconds later he purged…. where he had been running clear a stretch.

I laughed and just chopped it up to coincidence. That’s how I will work this “energy healing”. It will all be just a beautiful coincidence. πŸ˜‰ Because truly it is out of my hands. I just give it to God. Right? What else is there? I didn’t create this energy. I am just happy to be here, as a vessel, as a conduit for healing. I think we are all capable. I’m just doing it, or trying at least. Lol

Hoping you’re holidays have been merry and bright and if they haven’t been go out and stare at some Christmas lights, with some yummy hot beverage in hand and listen to some Christmas carolers or some sweet nostalgic Christmas tunes. Somehow that combination seems to be a real game changer for me when I’m feeling curmudgeon.


Deviant play, Christmas stresses

I love to play. I love that sex can be playful and role playing is at the very top of the list for me. I love having a partner willing to try anything. But because we have taken a few steps back trying to solidify the foundation of our relationship, intense play has not been very prominent in our sex; especially not exhibitionist play which Brad loves so much.

I remember in my youth loving having sex in places where you could maybe, almost get caught. It’s a thrill unlike any other…. to come so close to it. The thrill of possibly being watched. Reminds me of the first official date with Brad. It was very much like a BDSM Penthouse story.

We were suppose to be meeting for sushi. We decided to go for a walk beforehand and met in the parking lot. I loved the way he looked; so shy and out of place and when he saw me he smiled so brightly.

We walked and talked casually, but there was sexual tension between us. We walked through a secluded riverside park and stopped at a bench. He kissed me and spanked my ass and it didn’t take much more. Soon we we’re hot and heavy and I was moaning and squealing with delight when he heard boats trying to get closer to us.

I blurted out “let’s get a motel” and less than 20 minutes later we we’re having wild sex. We both realized that this was the beginning of something great and even though we we’re breaking one of my cardinal rules (he had a girlfriend at the time), I couldn’t say that it was stopping us at all. Hard to explain to a guy that’s not your usual MO, but fortunately he didn’t care.


Yesterday I asked him to role play emotional sadism for me. I wanted to see if A) it would break me down a bit or at the very least make me cry B) it would bring me closer to him. But here is the crux of BDSM. There has to be some real fear but you don’t want to play with people you can’t trust. I trust him. I know he loves me. I know he adores me.

My body issues have never been an issue to him on any level. He likes my idiocyncracies. He takes advantage of them. He ties my breast and tortures them. He squeezes my tummy. He tells me not to die my hair from grey because he doesn’t want men pursuing me. Not sure if that’s an underhanded insult or not, but still.

So I told him exactly what to say that I thought would cut through to me. At one point I was kind of close to crying, but I didn’t and we both laughed at how idiotic all his complaints and berating me was. How silly it all sounded and how much neither one of us truly believed he meant a word if it.

He seemed to think a stranger delivering those messages would have worked better but I would never let that happen. Sooooo. There is the crux. Maybe I’m better off letting him hurt me until I cry but I have been wanting less and less pain lately. I think I’m moving away from it a bit. But once in a while, when I designate it is nice.

I have been wanting to cry and I want him to be there to pick me up but I’m not sure how to get there. There is one thing he does that makes me teary eyed every time. Something I’ve tried hiding. Everytime he holds me in his arms and recaps the difficulties in my life and then tells me how much he loves me. He tells me how I don’t have to carry it all alone anymore, how he is here for me.

How I can lean on him for anything. That he would do anything in the world for me. That I am safe in his arms and he will protect me forever. Those are things I’ve longed to feel and be told for so very long. Guess I’m more damsel in distress than I’ve cared to admit. I now I’m capable. I know I’m strong. I know I can and want to be as much his rock as he is mine. But I’m still learning things about myself. Guess that’s a good thing.


I can’t believe Christmas is next week. Jeezus. Where did this year go? I made a HUGE mistake yesterday too. I accidentally let my 6 year old help me in the garage forgetting her Barbie Jeep from santa was not covered. Uggghhhhh. After I worked so hard and drove so far to find a decent used one to fix up for her. Now what? She knows it’s not from Santa now. Mom fail! I tried to brush it off but the damage was done. Now I have to go spend more money on a different Santa gift. For fucks sakes. Lol. I can’t have rich people problems. I’m not rich!!! Ay yay yay.

This isn’t even counting that I haven’t even sent out all my Christmas cards or the few small gifts for my neices and nephew or my great aunt and uncle. They aren’t much but it still needs to get mailed. Sometime between my clients today I have to get this done. No pressure! Where are those little cobbler elves when you need them? Can they be trained to do more than shoe work?

Ba humbug!!

Sugar sadness, phone madness, paradise, lottery tickets, & clarity

Still feeling sad today. Why did I walk out of the store with a new phone and no new case for it? I know myself. I drop my phone constantly. Me trying to save $30 must now must spend the $250 deductible to get a new phone because I broke the screen, chipped the phone case and it’s been acting wierd.


I have the phone set up with a new landscape screen saver every day. Today was this one. Makes me wish I was there.

Wherever this is. I don’t even care. I’ll take those problems today. Whatever they may be. That is the funny thing about other lives, and other experiences. We never really know the problems that lurk there until we experience them ourselves.


Sugar really has a way of messing with my mood I’m realizing. I thought it destabilized my weight loss attempts but now I see it goes beyond that. I went on a sugar bender for two days and I feel like crap. I’m still in the middle of doing this detox thing too. The last thing I ate last night was sugar and I woke up wanting to vomit today. Too much emotional crap. Too much physical crap. Too much crap in general.

It’s fine. I’m alright. I am realizing I haven’t taken a vacation. A real vacation in over a year and a half. I need a few days at the beach or somewhere in nature. Somewhere away from everything. I need a few days to remember what it is I love about my life so much. A few days to get away so I can remember what it is I want to come back to. Maybe I should go on a retreat. A weekend retreat. Ha. Laughable. On what budget would that be? Well…. I keep buying lottery tickets. Maybe I need to stop and invest that tiny bit of money into a vacation fund. That would make much more sense.

I’m not even out of bed and I have a whole new way to add benefit to my life. Is it worth losing my ability to dream of winning the lottery? There’s a saying in Spanish which basically says “what’s yours, no one can take from you”. It’s very much in tune with the “if it’s meant to be, it will be” saying. Wow! I have been buying lottery tickets my whole adult life. Guess it was time for a shift. Losing a dream and opting for a better reality. Guess I’m not done growing up. Who knew?


My psychologist says that I must demonstrate for Brad what making love means to me. I thought I did that already. Guess I must keep doing it until he catches on. Frustrating. Can you believe…. can anyone believe Brad and I are going to go to couples counseling? I’m having a hard time believing it myself and I set it up. I guess this will truly be our last attempt to rectify our communication issues. Seems silly probably but I’m willing to make the investment.

I’m a bit of a die hard that way. I don’t give up on people or relationships until I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it’s over. It’s why I have a revolving door of friends from decades old that come back into my life and it’s like time stood still. I fall back in love with them like we have been with each other the entire time. I try to find that with everyone in my life. I try to find the connection.

I suppose the deeper the connection the more issues can arise. Maybe? IDK. We aren’t spring chickens, Brad and I. We both have baggage and histories and our own darkness. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we’re missing something easy that neither of us grasps. Let’s see what comes of it. At the very least I’m hoping for clarity for both of us.


Exercise or sex or preferably both need to be on the agenda today. I need seratonin and endorphins. Stat. Stat people!!! Lol



I love to argue…….sometimes

When I know it will lead to better understanding

When I see things going in a bad direction and I just can’t keep quiet; especially if there are different avenues available

When I know it will lead to make-up sex

Or when I know I’ll get my way

Otherwise it seems rather pointless really. I don’t like to use my energy unnecessarily. If I sense the idiocy of a situation has gone to far; it’s usually better to just walk away.


I don’t entertain nonchalant men. I need a man to make it known beyond a shadow of doubt that he wants me, needs me, is desperate for ME and me alone. Why? Lol well…… because it’s fucking glorious to be the center of one person’s universe. It isn’t a matter of worthy or unworthiness. It’s a matter of absolute necessity to me. Because otherwise what’s the damn point? I’d rather be alone than be someone’s just ok, just for now or good enough. Nope. Next!

But how many men do I need? Truthfully, I need one. Just ONE. Last night my business mentor threw me a curve ball with trying to make our arrangement more personal. He was not shy about it either. This is a wonderful man. Emotionally mature and available, settled in life, understanding, transparent and vulnerable….he also has children my age, but more importantly I have been in this on again / off again pattern with Brad and haven’t quite thrown in the towel on that yet.

If I were not with Brad would I entertain him? I’m not sure honestly. I was told by my psychologist that I need to go out with men that I don’t have a magnetic pull towards. Men that don’t make me swoon, because those men all seem to mimic a pattern I need to avoid. Harsh. πŸ˜’

(You know….. I didn’t ask for the difficulties in my life. I didn’t ask for problems most people can’t wrap their heads around. I didn’t ask to have so much heaviness surrounding me. And while I take it all in stride and just make the most of it, it still makes it hard to make friends. It makes it hard to date. It makes it hard to navigate the delicate balancing act I must always maintain. One people don’t see and aren’t aware of but colors my life so many shades of deep emotional pain.)

My mom says “I can see the allure for Brad. You’re his damsel in distress”. I hate that. I don’t see myself that way. All I want and need from a man is love, understanding, to be my rock and my support but most importantly I need an oasis from the turmoil in my life. As of now Brad both adds and takes away stress and if we can’t balance this out more in favor of taking away or at the very least NOT adding then it’s doomed.

But I’m going one day at a time here. Trying to just go with the flow. I have no idea what the future holds. I know what I want and I know what I will and won’t put up with. I know I need respite. I need adoration. I need space to be myself and an understanding of my needs and fulfilment of my deepest yearnings. I long to give myself fully and completely to a man….. give all my love, my life, my entire being over to a love so true.

I mean… I’ve only waited my whole life to do this. I’m not settling. When it comes it will come. When I know, I will know. I don’t need to justify myself. These are my needs. These are my desires. One day one man will find himself with a love like no other. I guess we shall see who that will be.

Why do I like control?

My mother was just here visiting again. She still doesn’t understand my need to Domme. She asked me why I like men giving me so much responsibility for their lives. She reminded me how Kurt would ask me what to wear in the morning. She asked if I don’t get enough of that with the kids.

I laughed. I tried explaining that it was different. With the kids the responsibility is inherent. But men choose to give up control to me. Which makes it a delight I just don’t have words for. A pleasure that satiates me at levels nothing else does.

Why do I like it? Well….first of all it goes a lot farther than like. But I’ll see if can explain it. For me personally, it’s about the tone of the relationship. It’s about the level of intimacy. It’s about the depth of passion and commitment. It’s about the rush and pushing of thresholds of a power exchange. It’s about this and sooooo much more.

It seems really a silly question to begin with. Lol. I guess it’s not for everyone so maybe it’s hard to understand, but it sure is for me.


Lonely = Horny

I don’t know where in my little brain I began equating boredom and loneliness to horniness. But it seems to be the correlation my mind makes eventually. Maybe because once I orgasm I feel better. Maybe because it’s a great solo activity. I’ve talked about how I got my moniker before. I never really have the kind of time to watch porn and masturbate until I orgasm 4-5 times anymore though.

I no longer watch porn all that much either but I do like that I don’t have to go to the video store or pay for it. A simple search brings me all the free porn I could possibly want.

Tonight I plan on taking a long hot bath, putting the kids to bed and then masturbating until I pass out. It’s good to have goals.

Happy Friday!!