Westworld II

“This is a test….one we’ve done countless times” – Dolores

“What are you testing for?” – Bernard

“Fidelity” – Dolores

“Breathing in, breathing out.

Moving forward, moving back

Living, dying

Coming, going

Like two arrows meeting in flight

In the midst of nothingness

There is a rode that leads to my true home…” – Geisha Madame Akane

“I believe if anyone can right this ship by force of sheer will it’s you” Bernard

“We each deserve to choose our fate ” – Maeve & Geisha Madame Akane

“The pain is just a program” – Bernard

——-

I’m obsessed with this show. There are very few drama shows I have liked. I’m more a comedy girl….but this show, Firefly, the first season of Jessica Jones. Love!!

——

I just realized I like vigilante shows. Lol. Introspection is interesting….sometimes it’s not until after I’ve written it down that I can ruminate about it and truly understand myself.

Mental Orgasm

The female body is a wonderful oddity

Full or mysteries

And adventures

We can orgasm multiple times

We can orgasm without penetration

We can even theoretically

Although I’ve never experienced it myself

(Beyond dream sex)

Have mental orgasms

I wait for the day I orgasm so much

So intensely

So many times in a row

That I can’t lift a muscle in my body

That I can’t have a coherent thought

That words can’t formulate on my lips

That I lie comatose

In a bliss of inescapable splendor

——–

Dreaming big!!!!

❤️💋

From Now On

(The Greatest Showman/woman 😉)

It’s been a hell of a long ass ride

And I’ve taken more steps back than forward many, many times

But I’m here

It isn’t perfect……..yet

Will it ever be?

Life has a way of always challenging you

So there is no resting on laurels here

Life will always say “oh yea? You sure?”

If only to test you again and again

It seem to be the way it works

Or I could be totally wrong. Lol

Digressing — hmmmmm

I’ve met some pretty awesome people

IRL, historically, virtually

Been privy to depths I never knew existed

Felt feelings I never knew were in me

But this path has been mine alone to take

It was not a chart set for me by any one human being…not even myself really

and it has not been a straight course

Or an easy one

And yet

I feel so blessed

I feel so strong

To be at a place where I can be fully ME……

“From now on……like an anthem in my heart…..home again”

———

Mississippi Goddam – Nina

pertinent to all 😝

Nina…. I love you

——

strange juxtaposition

I always seem to have

continual flux

suppose life wasn’t meant to be lived stagnating

I like extremes….sometimes

The world feels more real there

Silly thoughts

Real smiles

what a wonderful world – Izzy

Sub Space Strength

Subs: each person is different in their sub space

I’ve had one top continually from bottom wanting me to command him in the ways he desired

One would not make a single move or even speak without my decision and input

One disliked me commanding him but loved pampering me in the ways he thought most fitting but not knowing me well enough missed the mark repeatedly

—–

I woke up just now in a bit of a fitful sleep. I had been dreaming of a sub. He was a very strong sub. So very powerful in his sub space. He had complete control of himself. Even as I wavered in my Domme space he held me strong. Like the firm hand of a gentleman. He brought out of me not what he wanted, NO…… he gave me the force to be who I wanted. I can’t explain it too clearly…. it is nuanced.

I am learning still….but as I have stated before; as has been reinforced to me time and time again. When given the opening ….when the field is cleared for me… I blossom. I rise.

I can not be pushed. I can not be pulled. I can not be molded. I am already here. My torrential love, frenzied lust, all-encompassing need to devour, to own is already within; watching, waiting, deep inside. It just needs ample space, time, devotion and now I see….the missing piece I hadn’t yet seen before….strength.

Not my strength. My strength is here, sometimes dormant, but here. I have needed to see sub strength. I understand now something I didn’t before. A clue. All part of the grand puzzle. I am dizzily mesmerized by my new realization.

Maybe as I grow stronger in my own space none of these things will matter. I can’t say. I see older Domme’s who can switch it on instantly for anyone and I am amazed. I can own the space but I am not at a point where I want to share myself this way with just anyone. I want to be completely who I am with just one very special man. One who will see and be privy to the entire depth of my being. We shall see.

💋goodnight again (4:43am)

Attention Seeker

I was accused of being an attention seeker today by someone that completely and totally misunderstands me. I would have found it funny really had I not been shocked by it.

I guess only fellow writers and introverts would understand that this is simply not the case. I enjoy and need solitude and yes sometimes…..once every few months or so I like getting dolled up and going to the sex club to see and be seen. Plus I have this blog.

Hardly seems attention getting. In reality I’m a very quiet and demure person that sometimes blares the music in her car way too loud when there aren’t kids in it.

This same man went on to say that I’m too crazy. That I have too much baggage. That what I want does not exist. All things I don’t expect anyone to say to me, because why is it necessary to be so cruel? This all came about because I would not tell him how many people I have slept with.

I’m sorry but I am not in high school. That information is not relevant and if he needs to know; if it will make or break his opinion of me then that’s a game I don’t want to play to begin with because…. well… what is the magic number? It’s a game meant to be lost and it’s a game of judgement I don’t care to participate in.

Am I too crazy? Am I too sexual? Do I have too much baggage? Maybe. Ask me if I care though? This is me. I only have to be “perfect” for one man. One man that will see past my many imperfections to the depth of my soul and the love that is there.

One man that doesn’t need magic numbers and perfect backstories. One man that can look me in the eyes and always tell me the truth and always be vulnerable and full of love for me. That’s all I need. I refuse to believe it doesn’t exist. They will bury me in the ground before I give up on that dream.

I’ve waited my whole life. I’m not giving up. Whatever it takes. However long I have to wait. Yep. It’s ok. I’m fine with it.

Tide Sweeping In

Sometimes when the tide sweeps in

I’m not sure how it will be

Will it caress me softly?

Will it float me on its gentle waves

Rocking me into a lovingly calm sense of peace or

Will it engulf me….

spinning me around dizzily….

Tossing me like a rag doll

——

I was really looking forward to going to the cross dresser and trans event at the sex club and they cancelled it.

With that and a whole bunch of other crap; I’m feeling a bit defeated right now. I went to my custom tailor to pick up the outfit I was going to wear to my original party,….the one that didn’t happen, remember?

It is a matching see through tube top and mini skirt. It is not my best and sexiest outfit. In fact it actually completely exposes my worst body parts. But…..I was scared and excited to show myself in my entirety*. All the flaws too. All of it.

I was talking to my psychologist about my enjoyment seeing men feminized and even dressed femininely and she gave me the reassurance I was seeking. That it’s ok. I mean yes. I know it is ok in my heart. I champion my own causes, but it’s nice to have reinforcements. Lol

I heard this song for the first time ever on the radio this morning and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. I don’t even know why really. Just feels like the mood of the moment for me.

Ray LaMontagne – Such a Simple Thing

*yes I had originally said I was going to go in my Domme attire. I had a latex mini dress all picked out but the closer it got to the day the more I just wanted to be myself. Not the make-up and shoes so much. This girl does like to represent; sometimes. Lol.

Just that….that’s the point of the event; right? Being yourself. If I can admire then I can also participate. But it has been an odd uphill battle. Couldn’t get ahold of my tailor anyway. Sooo. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I just need to let this go for now. Ho hum.

I had just said I was going to stop dating and concentrate on events and then this gets cancelled. Maybe I should just take a break from all of it for now. Not like I don’t have better things to do anyway, I suppose.

Insomnia

It’s taken me a long time

But I’ve learned to take you on my ride

Instead of me being taken on yours

So now when you come I relish you

Deeply

When you come I take it as my opportunity to spend quality time with myself

I am fortunate to have medicinal THC available to help me with this endeavor

As without it I would probably tailspin and let my anxiety rule us both

With it I now see you as an oasis

When all else is dormant.

A time to come back to myself without the chaos of life coming at me full steam

A time to recollect myself

To play even

To dream

To delve into thoughts I’d never think without the quiet and solitude surrounding me

So while you may be a nuisance and torment to some

To me you are now just a part of who I am

Of my natural cycle of living

For whatever it’s worth I have accepted you as part of my life and just made the best of it

And sometimes….like now…you are the best part of my day. Lol

Let’s not make that a thing though. Please!

——-

“You are the Best Part or Me” – Neil Diamond