I am not a rock

I try to be strong

Self sufficient

Capable

Not complain

Work for the things I need

Provide for myself and my children

I’m not lazy

I’m not entitled

I’m not expecting handouts

But also

Life is a giant, difficult obstacle course

And I can’t possibly do it alone

Others have helped along the way

Others still help me

Strangers have saved my life

Friends have made my life bearable

Laughter and love makes it all worthwhile

Especially when shared

I am not in this alone

And while that has worked against me at times

It has also made my life extraordinary

And magical

And humbled me to people’s generosity

Peoples affection, care and concern

People going out of their way for me when they didn’t have to at all.

And I’m glad to not be a rock

—-

The other day a man called asking all kinds of questions about his personal account on eBay.

I helped him as much as I could and then referred him directly to eBay.

He thanked me and asked me why I had been so helpful.

I said “because no one succeeds alone.

We all need to help each other out in life”

And I stick by that

I stick by that completely.

🙏🏽🌈🌏🪁🥰💋✌🏽❣️

Anyone claiming to be Christian/Catholic/Christ based religion

“I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.” is a well known bible verse.

So if you’re in with God. If Christ, Christ love, Christ consciousness is your thing. Then where should you be?

With the least of these, trying to lift up.

We should all, always lift each other up and stop tearing each other down.

This is why I don’t align myself to a single religion. Because I refuse to align myself to any organization that is full of greed, elitism, sexism, double standards, looking the other way at horrors, or worse committing them themselves. Nope. That’s def not my thing. Guess that also explains why I can’t run for government.

But what career or company would be left exactly?

Guess that’s why I like working by and with myself; a lot less arguing and a few less HR/PR issues.

Mwahahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣

Grateful, but only human

So I went a bit off tonight.

Did it feel good? Here and there. Yes. It did. I had to stop myself from going into my “yes, but” thing. I had to stop from positing the opposite view, quite a few times.

But the truth is that my default is gratitude. It’s what lets me be happy, even through all the shit.

And no one can take that away from me. My peace of mind is mine own. Outside factors matter, but only so much. So it’s really up to me.

And I wake up every day thanking God for one more day here. I honestly do. I think God twice a day at least. It’s part of my daily meditations. One at bed and one at waking.

And anytime I can be still to do it more I will.

So did I truly mean all I wrote in my diatribe? Yes. These are things I can’t help but think of sometimes or have thought of at some point. It’s part of life. This is all been part of life, my experiences, what I’ve come to see. One side of what I’ve learned to understand about this place.

Do I truly believe that is all there is? No. I absolutely do not.

Thankfully.

The truth about humanity is that I still love it madly.

I’ve been helped by so much in life by people. I’ve been loved. I’ve been seen; truly seen. And there is so much good here too, in this world, in humanity. This I truly do believe.

🙏🏽🌈🌏🌌🥰❣️💋

Walk

I remember at the buddhist retreat taking a long hike to the river; alone, far from anyone, with no cell phone, no pepper spray for bears or long boots to deter snakes bites.

I was scared. Every step down to the river I was scared. And when I finally got there I felt such deep elation at having accomplished it. Because every step I took I had wanted to talk myself back to safety, back to people, back to what I knew. But I pushed myself on. And that feeling of success is still palpable to me now.

The walk back to the retreat I wasn’t scared and it went by so much quicker. It was light-hearted and happy.

And while that was a huge lesson and one I admire to this day, it isn’t how I want to live my life.

I want to live my life unafraid. Truly unafraid. Wide awake and paying attention, genuine, open, caring and unafraid.

How do you do something that terrifies you without being terrified?

I guess you start by breathing and reminding yourself

You’ve got this.

Everything is fine

Everything will be fine

What’s the worst that can happen

And so what?

Life isn’t worth living afraid

It’s only worth living

If you’re truly allowing yourself to live it

It’s all shit

I’m fat in a world that worships thinness

I’m dark colored in a country that treats me unequal because of it

I’m a single mom with no degree, a stalled career, no family to help, no one to help shoulder my burden and distress.

No one that is here for me, like here here

No one that seems to understand and care

I’m lonely

I’m sad

I’m mad

I’m angry that I have to deal with that man as the father of my children

I hate that I’ve been attracted to pedophiles all my life and never knew it until these last few years

Am I still? Can a thing like that be cured? What does that make me exactly? I have kids. Jeezus

For fucks sake!!!

The future is so uncertain I’ve completely stopped even trying to guess how it will look, next month, next year. Who the fuck knows? Don’t talk to me about 5 year plans!

My life has been soooo God damn hard. Always.

Never. Not in childhood. Not in infancy. Definitely not as a teenager. Not pregnant about to marry a man I knew I didn’t truly love. Not trying to figure out parenting alone, with only books as my guide. Not divorced and alone. Never has it ever seemed easy.

And I’m thinking that I probably can’t even contemplate marriage again. Although statistically it’s probably improbable anyways.

And what do I care? I mean really. Do I even care?

I am going to let my hair go all grey. Forget about that box of contacts entirely.

I don’t like being unhealthy and I would like to start jogging. Plus I enjoy working out because of all it’s many serious benefits. But screw an ideal weight. Screw being skinny. I have Cuban hips. This ass doesn’t go flat. If anything it builds a shelf.

And you know what?

Fuck this place!

Earth sucks.

People are judgemental, hypocritical, whiney, spiteful, small-minded, greedy, violent, petty, cruel, disingenuous, covetous, selfish, vain, materialistic, lazy bastards with every negative “ist” thrown in for good measure. And that’s just the start.

We’ve polluted our world, our minds, our souls, our hearts and we pass it on generation to generation.

When a good friend of mine laughed at the people jumping out of the Twin Towers I was appalled. I understood her anger and the sentiment but I couldn’t condone her cruelty. But her excuse was that everyone is complicit in here and therefore no one is exempt.

Which reminds me of the handful of people I know who refuse to bring children into this world. And those that have said out loud and honestly that they wish they had never been born or wish they could just die.

I myself have said it and also wholeheartedly meant it when I said it too.

This place is shit.

Life is shit.

Suffering is all there seems to be.

It just piles on itself day and after day and we just hang on for the few great moments we can find.

And it’s shit. Plain old fucking shit. All of it.

And I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna laugh. I’m not going to make excuses for life. I’m not gonna sugar coat this bitch of a fight away today.

I’m fucking angry.

Then….

then…..

I’m given these gifts. Gifts we all have to some degree and in some specialty. Gifts I comprehend somewhat but I don’t know how to control.

Why?

Why is life ass backwards?

Why don’t we learn the thing that will truly help us in life.

Why aren’t these things part of our daily lives?

Food from God’s green earth directly, untainted by chemicals and modifications.

Learning about our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our urges, our psychic abilities, our humanity and God given virtues?

Why the fuck is this world so fucking cruel?

Why??????

Why is life so God damn hard on so many fucking levels?

Spiritually being the most important I believe, even though it is the most brushed aside.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, worldly

surviving happily through any part of this madness is not possible if you’re paying any attention at all to the horrors we call every day life

Unless you narrow your bubble down to something so very puny and precise and have very good fortune on your side your shit out of luck.

So buckle up!

It’s a hell of a ride.

I’ve tried to get off.

But it’s a strange psychological phenomenon that people prefer to take on a negative outcome than have a situation be completely unknown.

Good for preventing suicide maybe. Bad for changing the world.

But what the hell do I know?

I only know I don’t know anything more than the musings I profess to feel. Problem is I’m bound to change my mind.

But who the fuck cares anyway?

Who the fuck cares?

Auuuggghhhhhhhhhh

Now I will rage

I went to see my neighbor Jan. I really appreciate her. She’s a great person. I like bouncing spiritual stuff off of her. She’s also a great walking partner and I enjoy her healing sessions. Today was my second one with her. And I didn’t snore this time.

But I did get a sense of having to vomit. Which is odd since I hadn’t eaten for hours beforehand. It luckily passed. After the sessions she pulled 3 tarot cards. Past, present, future.

The first two were about expressing my thoughts and emotions, through talking and writing. The last was about eternal love. That’s hopeful.

She also said my third chakra (which is at the vocal cords) had some issues. The others were fine. Which is funny because that is the one and only chakra I always focus my healing directly on. Which means I’m spot on with the intrinsic knowledge but it stills needs work.

Now the liver is the organ of anger. So all these things point to me having to express myself more. And all points lead to one obvious conclusion.

I am angry!

But the issue is…..

I always try to stay positive. I try to be grateful for the many blessings I have. I try not to take anything for granted. I try to be hopeful and uplift myself and others.

But…….

All this repressed anger and bottled up emotion seem to be boiling over and I have to be honest with myself about this.

And I don’t think I need a Nancy Kerrigan day as much as I need a total and complete bitch fest. To just let myself complain and vent and let out my deep frustrations. A time to just let myself purge all these feelings, in a safe space of absolutely no judgement.

I just took a heavy dose of THC. Pulled out the vibrator. Turned on some tunes. Maybe tonight. Maybe now tonight. But I know it’s gotta be soon.

Unleashing this will hopefully help with my liver, unclog the chakra and get myself back to a more homeostatic level; emotionally, physically, mentally.

And although I truly hate complaining, even more than hearing people complain. I can make exceptions once in a while.

After all, every dam has a breaking point and I don’t want to reach mine. Better to let off steam and let myself enjoy it. Most people really seem to enjoy complaining. So why not? Right?

I’m not going to torture anyone with my complaints, except you maybe.

Lol

😋💋😉

Right the wrongs

As much as I have been able to I’ve tried to right the wrongs I’ve done in life.

Where I wished someone ill, I’ve blessed them instead. Where I was able to make some recompense I have tried. Where I needed to ask for forgiveness I put out genuine effort to make amends. And even though I’m sure I’ve left many blind spots uncared for, at least my aim has been true.

I very often pray that all the rights of the world be corrected. That those that have prospered unscrupulously be stripped. That those that have benefited from violence, theft, and even just turning a blind eye have their entitlements all swept away. That this reset go back through all of time and space to realign the world and its bounty to its rightful heirs. That the noble, peaceful, spiritual souls have their deserved place.

I realize this sounds extreme and what would ensue would be a mass transformation in almost every single sector and speck of this world, an extraordinary upheaval even.

So why do I pray for such outlandish and seemingly impossible things?

Because it makes me feel good to believe it could maybe one day be so.

——-

What I actually think needs to happen is that people need to take back their power. They need to stop playing by the rules set for them, the structures put in place to bind them and create their own systems that actually benefits them and safeguards them, their families, loved ones, this planet and all of humanity.

Until we see each other as a global family we will be drawn into endless divide, wars and skirmishes. But just like every family, there needn’t be assimilation, as much as acceptance of diversity and letting people be who they are.

I, for one, would like to see less laws and more personal accountability.

I would like to see less judgement and more leeway for people that aren’t like “us”.

I would like to see more acceptance and less hypocrisy.

More generosity and less ambivalence and selfishness.

I know the world I would like to see.

A world where children don’t have to be safeguarded and sheltered from the atrocities of a society that doesn’t truly value them. A society that, say what it will to contradict it, shows in its actions that it only truly values brute force, grotesque riches and false demigods.

I love this world. I love this planet. I love the innate beauty and breath of nature and our own glorious hearts and souls. I have hope that wrongs can indeed be righted. That we can turn the tide of humanity around.

But this needs to start on an individual basis first. Opening our hearts, offering forgiveness, righting our own wrongs, building bridges, and walking our own individual walk towards true salvation and heartfelt community.

Is this an easy ask? No. Not at all. Most people pick the easiest route in life. They stick to what they know and don’t bother caring about much else.

And what I’m talking about will take a surge towards honor and real virtue* on a scale yet unseen in our modern history in order to topple the vices that run and ruin this world currently.

I say this, but I don’t think I see things the way most people seem to.

I see most laws as unnecessary, most rulers as heathens and most people as deprived of true meaning ttheir lives.

And this is all connected. It is all deeply connected. We are all deeply connected.

🙏🏽🌏🌈🌌✌🏽❣️💋

——

*Real virtue isn’t about sanctimonious judgement of others and control of anything but our one self, our own actions, our own thoughts. Real virtue is who one is when no one is watching and what one does when no one seems to be counting. Real virtue is genuine and accountable to itself in all circumstances. It is not driven by outside forces or whims. It does not bow to anyone but the markers of one’s own soul and the journey we wish it to have.

I honestly believe

that there is large amount of people that don’t care if the world is destroyed, as long as they stay in power. As long as they have the resources they want, need, and believe they deserve, they don’t care what happens to anyone else.

These people are so removed from common problems, from the plight of the least fortunate of this world that they have grown callous and contemptuous of their fellow human beings.

So what would it take to right the wrongs of these leaders, dictators, moguls, militants, blue bloods, aristocrats, etc. that already wield far too much power in this world?

I believe, that it means, not giving them our power. Not letting those that have no authentic interest in the world, in the plight of all mankind, in a world of unison, cooperation, and teamwork, to have a say anymore.

We may not be the ones in command, but if we all decided this is not the way we want it, if no one followed them, if no one played by their rules what would they do?

Rulers in this day and age aren’t the ones actually fighting the real battles. They don’t get directly involved. They don’t do more than set agendas and point to others to do the dirty work.

So what would it take to end their reign?

I believe it would take a great consensus on a worldwide level to put an end to all the madness and correct all the wrongs.

It would take people from every walk of life: every creed, religions, color, gender, age, philosophy, nationality to stand as one united front.

To end the slavery of humanity, the pilfering of the worlds resources and beauty, the manipulation of our true purpose as soulful beings of love and kinship, would take an extraordinary breath of courage on everyone’s part.

I don’t know given the strong arm of these entities and the insidious depths of their tactics to separate, destroy, and keep humanity from the beauty of our own souls experience, of our deep connection to each other, to the world, to the entire universe and the breath of all that exists, has exited and will ever exist, that we will be able to get there.

That we will overcome the tyranny of a world that keeps us in shackles of fear, hatred, and discontent. That tethers us to ideals that aren’t real, striving for prizes of smoke and mirrors, pitted one against the other in a game we believe we have to play to survive.

So much of this is all an illusion and yet we trudge alone believing this is all there is or could be.

But I have hope.

I will always have the hope.

Because I believe in the beauty of the Divine soul spirit we each carry. And I believe there is time still.

And I hope I am right. I really hope I am.

🙏🏽🌏🌈💖🌌❣️

Not sure what to make of it

It’s been on my mind since yesterday. What does it mean? Does it mean anything at all? What are the chances?

I was on the couch watching the Avengers. I had decided to watch all the Marvel movies in order. Some I’ve seen, some I don’t mind seeing again. Most I haven’t seen. The youngest tells me she hates “Marvel”. We don’t use that word. It’s kind of a no-no word. Hate is saved for extreme things as a calculated decision of true severity, not just thrown around. So I asked her to explain.

She said I was being consumed by the Marvel world. I laughed. I was indeed a bit of a couch potato yesterday, but we had already played rumikube, done school work and hung out and talked. Still…..she was obviously bored. So I turned off the TV and she brought out a deck of cards.

We played garbage. It’s a mindless game that I enjoy. It goes quick. It’s easy. And the complaining is generally minimal to none.

After a few rounds I decided we were going to play some psychic training games. I shuffled the deck laid 5 cards in front of her, one by one, and asked her to guess the color; red or black. She actually liked the game and she averaged about 3/5 right.

Then she did it on me. I was swift. I went with my first thought. I had answers before she even laid the cards down. I was having fun. Not trying to prove anything. I got all 5 wrong. Lol

I was a bit surprised. All 5 wrong had to be just as difficult as all 5 right. It intrigued me. And as we were talking more about it my middle child came to see what the fuss was all about.

We explained the game and what had just happened. She laughed and we got her to join us. She averaged about the same as her sister and then she did it to me. I did it exactly the same way; quickly without hesitation. This time I got all 5 right. Curiouser and curiouser.

So then we amped it up. I took out all the numbers 1-4. Then I asked them to guess which number. This was much harder and even I matched them at getting a few wrong. Interestingly we all seemed to have issues with the number 4 specifically. Maybe I should have only used 1-3 to start.

I like to think that in life we can get answers even from the most mundane occurences. We can see patterns. We can get new ideas. We can see new things. That our experiences are limited only by our own blinders.

I’m genuinely unsure what to make of our little game, but it was fun.

————

I have been calling my mother more consistently because she has been very sick recently. She prefers video chats so I oblige her. She never has anything nice to say. Yesterday she was telling me how bad I look. “It’s time to dye your hair.” “You’re letting yourself go.” on and on. I kept telling her I don’t really care. I don’t care to date anymore and I don’t care to change my appearance to please anyone else.

She didn’t seem to comprehend. She insists I’m still young enough to change my life around and set my future up to be better. This is in direct reference to her life and how horrible it is, of course.

—–

Brad has been contacting me trying to get back into my world. I have not responded. My mother, of course, wants me to return to him. I believe she sees him as some sort of meal ticket. And her excuse is “well, it’s not like you won’t end up together again. You always fight.”

Yes but…. this time, not only did he break up with me, he said some vile and nasty things. Things that were completely unnecessary. I’m not sure how much he meant them. At the time he said them I believe he meant it all. Since then he has obviously retracted the sentiments. But the damage has been done.

It’s one thing for me to break up with him and quite another for him to go unhinged on me like that. I’m not into it. I don’t need the drama or negativity. I don’t need the headaches.

Maybe one day I’ll find someone that I can be in symbiosis with; where we both respect, encourage, nurture, love and appreciate each other and communicate well together. Why that seems like a tall ask is beyond me. But I’ll keep hope alive. I’m just not pursuing it actively anymore. Lol

And so it is.💋

🙏🏽🌏🌈🥰✌🏽🌌❣️