I guess I gotta keep trying to get laid

This is the men saga going on right now. Not much honestly. I starting talking to one guy last night. It lasted a couple hours before I got bored with his lack of enthusiasm and dismissed him entirely.

I realize with men I either come on strong or show almost no interest. There isn’t much of a middle ground for me. Which I’m sure makes it much more difficult. Men are more accommodating and enthusiastic in person than over text. All nuance is lost. It just feels almost impossible to flirt with a stranger via text. It doesn’t translate well.

Then add on all the quasi uncomfortable conversations you have to have before you even decide if you want to actually meet this person IRL.

Because dating wasn’t difficult enough already. I feel like I’m a smoker who has to only date other smokers. ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜’

This is a super cute trans man* I’ve been talking to, who’s easy and fun. He’s the first person I’ve genuinely tried to be friends with. Not to say I’m not open to more. But we haven’t met IRL yet and he seems much more into men.

That’s it. I’ve got nothing else going on but lots of work and chores and errands.

Adulting: all the boring crap you have to do to get to have fun once in a while. When you can remember what fun is, can think of something to do that might actually be fun and can find the energy to go out and do it.

Gotta go.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ˜ˆโค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’‹

*Clarification: she is a (male born) non-binary or genderqueer, pansexual and demi-sexual. Now say that three times fast. ๐Ÿ˜‰

My love/hate relationship with the catholic church

It’s bad.

My beef is the things they have done throughout the centuries bordering on…..well let’s just say they should have to pay restorations. I mean many more than they already have to many other different kinds of people.

But also…… that is where I first felt God. That is where I first heard of Jesus and heard his words. Learned of his mother and prayed to her. I somehow even then felt closer to this goddess than to my own mother. And when I prayed I felt so much love.

The sense of love and peace that believing in God and feeling that energy, that emotion of pure love, has added endless depth to my life and unfortunate though that it came at the hands of such misogynist, child abuse allowing, nun raping, and antiquated fools that they are. And also always believing themselves above the laws of man. It’s no wonder they get so many conspiracy theorist after them. One has to wonder how much of it could maybe be real? Lol

But hey yea, seriously, thanks for bringing God to my life, fortunately many other options have surfaced since. Peace outโœŒ๐Ÿฝโ˜ฎ๏ธ

See….. it’s a complicated relationship indeed.

But…..I’m still drawn to it. That was the main point I forgot to mention. I’m actually listening to gregorian chants right now.

God how boring is my life? Lol. I’m gonna masturbate and go to sleep.

๐Ÿ’‹๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿฅฐ

โค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ”ฅ

You know what’s making me cry

the simple thought occured to me that love should be the standard of care in the world……

and I am so saddened by the loss of having to ever get to experience that and by the thought that it may also never be

and yet I wish it to the bottom of the depths of my every being for everyone.

๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝโค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ”ฅ

U of A / I don’t need a slave just great communication

Looks like the teenager is deciding on University of Arizona for a major in biomedical engineering. I have not tried to warn her that most stem fields are very male dominant and there is still a lot of misogyny and discrimination. She’s got time. She’ll figure it out and by then more women will have paved their way as well.

Trying to stay optimistic.

——–

And I have no idea what I’m doing in life. You ever get almost to the end of a goal and feel extreme anxiety? There is nothing for me to do but wait. And the waiting is driving me crazy.

——

You know who I miss? Slave a

I wish we had met in person. Talk about someone who says all the right things. We communicated so brilliantly. I can’t explain it, when you can communicate at a high level with someone it is almost like an aphrodisiac. It really is. To me at least. He had me thirsty for him. But he wanted more of an X rated life and I have to live a mostly PG-13 life with some X rated when I can. And the fact that he couldn’t do PIV. And we all know how much I like PIV.

This is why I have the capacity to switch sexually. I have absolutely no issue completely dominating the life of a man; with his support of course. Much like the stereotypical marriage only reverse.

I know everything is so PC and I can acclimate to truly sharing equal power but I much prefer to lead and have the love of a great man to help me. Maybe I haven’t experienced an equal relationship where I met a man that could lead: truly logically and compassionately, gently but firmly. I haven’t seen it I guess. Might exist. I know my version does exist and I can do those things.

But…….

I do so love the cock and I don’t see this changing. But…..

hey…

maybe lesbians know some tricks straight people don’t. Even a lot of women don’t know about their own bodies. Like the pleasure receptors and best techniques and nifty toys. I feel practice does make perfect here.

I so funny and so stoned. ( This is meant to be funny and cute please don’t politicize this. It’s all about intention. I mean only love.)

๐ŸŒŽ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿ˜ˆโค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿ“

3 weeks / the best version of me

So it’s been 3 weeks since I had sex with my ex boyfriend, thinking we could rekindle at least the part that was really good in the whole thing. I’m not going to be naming him, because he’s no longer part of my life and it feels like naming him gives him more of an anchor there. Which he is no longer entitled to.

He is in the past. And truthfully as good as the sex was those few weeks we did rekindle and as much as I’m grateful to him for taking care of me and the girls during the snowstorm…. I wish we had never restarted things. But oh well.

All this to day that it’s been 3 weeks since we were sexual and that seems to be the limit on my libido. Tonight I’m thinking Tinder or Match? Three dates to sex is so boringly antiquated, but it keeps me safe. Not to say one night stands can’t lead to great relationships. But I know myself. It doesn’t work for me. Maybe I’m not the daredevil I like to believe I am.

Three weeks. I orgasmed this morning, but it wasn’t all that satisfying. A funny thought occured to me. Masturbating at the sex club. Not letting anyone touch me or be near me. Maybe closing a room but opening the drapes. Now that’s hot and that will at least appease my need for sharing the experience. It’s a form of intimacy, albeit not one most people would probably approve of. That does sound devilishly fun. I am tempted…… very tempted. It’s a thought. Something to get me through this dry spell without resorting to casual sex.

——-

So as I try to keep from thinking of sex, I try to veer my thoughts to nothingness and it pops in my head. Am I the best version of me? Not based on my circumstances but based on myself; my inner self. In the entire spectrum of possibilities, if I could change nothing externally.

And I am not sure I like the answer to that. Not that I know definitively. I’m absolutely nowhere near the worst. Lol. But, I think the best version of me has her shit a bit more together. She doesn’t waver. She pursues what she wants and gets it. She doesn’t settle. She is who she believes she wants to be. She works to be that person with perseverance and determination.

Mind you, just writing all that seemed like enough work….let alone doing it. Lol

I crack myself up.

๐Ÿฅณโค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ’‹

I’ve decided to be stupid – Missing Intimacy

I’ve been talking about it for a while but I am disconnecting from social media (not WordPress) and all news. I’ll no longer know about current affairs unless someone happens to tell me. I’ll be completely oblivious to everything happening in the world that I am not directly aware of or someone hasn’t told me about. And therefore I will be considered stupid by many people.

But here’s the thing. My obligation in life is to myself and my children and to my world. The world I inhabit. And I will be a much happier and centered person disconnecting from the news and social media. No more Buzzfeed, no more Reddit, no more Google News. This will free up time and hopefully motivate me to actually read real books. Which I sorely miss but don’t make the time for.

So stupids I wills become. Who cares? No one has to live with the consequences of what I put in my brain more than I do. And I want to focus on the positive and I want to achieve personal growth. I want to master myself and the things I am giving up weren’t helping in those endeavors at all. So yea. Adios news and social media โฃ๏ธ

——-

I miss intimacy. I had my massage today. It was wonderful and it felt great to be touched but obviously it didn’t abate my strong desire for real intimacy; both the emotional and physical kind.

I met a guy last night. Seemingly rich, nice, but he looks more like a cuckold than a bull. I doubt he’s seen his shoelaces in decades. We exchanged business cards. Maybe we can network or have dinner. But I can’t see it going anywhere. I don’t need to be kept. Not that it doesn’t feel good to have all your material needs met by someone else. I can’t say I hate that. Just that in no way does it motivate me to want to date a man. Like at all.

You’d think finding a lover would be a lot easier than this. ๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿคจ๐Ÿ˜ค

More work…

I woke up thinking how much more I’d enjoy being a Dominatrix than what I’m doing now for work. Hosting parties, playing games; adults sometimes forget how fun games are and I’m not talking about board games. When we would hosted parties (as a married couple) I always made sure to have adult party games, even for brunches or when abundant alcohol wasn’t being had. Games can be so much fun.

I also probably woke up thinking about that because I went to sleep horny.

I’m not sure what avenue I’ll pursue to try to find a lover. Maybe I should start going back to the sex club. They are open. Maybe I’ll try Tinder again or Bumble. I know I can abstain from sex but I really don’t want to. Except I also don’t want casual sex. If I’m going to look for a man strictly as a lover then he must be a real Bull of a man. Lol.

Well… hmmmmmppphhhh

I guess we will have to see. Suppose I could go hunting on FetLife too.

But if I truly am contemplating this Domme thing I need to go confirm with the sex club anyway. Hopefully they will still let me host there and maybe work up an agreement to have my own bodyguard while working.

——

I’m so excited to get the pictures back from my photo shoot.

Going to the gym tonight and then masturbating to my heart’s content. It’s always funny to me when I wake up surrounded by my sex toys. On the nights the kids are gone I lay in bed and masturbate until I can’t stay awake a minute longer and just roll over and pass out. Good times!

Solo times…… but still good. As much as I complain about not having anyone around and missing tactile touch I’m happy in my own world doing whatever I want, whenever I want to (within the confined limits of raising children of course and not exposing them to things children shouldn’t be exposed to).

And as much as I hate my ex-husband taking the kids, I do enjoy my nights to myself and I’m really looking forward to tonight: long bath and luxurious orgasms. Heavenly delights.

Is it sad that I’m secretly glad I don’t have to celebrate Easter anymore or put out easter eggs filled with candy? I never have understood the correlation between holidays and sweets. Just why? Treats are nice. I do get that. But the sheer amount of candy we indulge our children with for the holidays is really incomprehensible to me. It’s just too much. My kids are already far too addicted to sugar.

But enough about that. It’s another beautiful spring day. I’m going to go sit in the hammock and enjoy my green tea before I plug away at work.

Enjoy yourselves!

๐Ÿฃ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŒŽ๐ŸŒˆโ˜€๏ธ๐Ÿ’‹

I have no right to be happy

and yet I am. Maybe content is the better word for it.

Have I done wrongs? I have.

Can the world seem, feel like and be a total fucking shit show? It most certainly can.

There are so many very valid reasons to be miserable in life.

I could name all of mine.

And then we can add on all of yours.

And then add on all of the worlds.

That is a heavy load my friend.

No one can handle all that. No one should.

That’s not all our burden to carry.

But I guess to make this life worthwhile we must pick our battles wisely.

And for better or worse, most all battles first must start from within.

And the more of those battles I slay

The happier I seem to get

Even as the world seems to crumble

And because I’ve been so lucky to also have the universe, Karma, the kindness of strangers, even these last few years (thankfully) the government step in….and help me make it through. Help me not be so alone in it all. Help me on my way through this journey.

And I have been shown faith time and time again.

And that spiritual dimension of my life has helped hold me together, helped guard my heart, helped soothe my soul. And the gratitude I have for that is so immense. And gratitude brings happiness to my heart.

โค๏ธโ€๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŒŽ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿฅฐโ˜€๏ธ

If in this crazy world

I could do whatever I wanted to. I’d move to a religious type institution where I could learn to expand my latent healing abilities, my intuition/psychic powers, learn to commune with nature and energy, with the tangible and intangible.

Could such a place be in an oasis of sorts? A beautiful and serene space to nurture the soul. Why would anyone want to leave such a place?

But you know, to me this place sounds almost too serene and boring. Like unless it also involves orgies and psychedelic mushrooms I’m gonna have to bounce when I’m done learning there. Lol

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ’‹