An hour a month

I do this with my kidlets, not so much the teenager anymore. But they all know to ask for ten minutes when they need it. Ten minutes of one on one, no device, no distractions time. We do whatever they want to do. Play a game, sit and talk, color, watch them explain a video game, it doesn’t matter what it is. It’s their time to have my complete attention.

But I was thinking wouldn’t it be cool to do this in a relationship too. Pick a day and set aside an hour and do whatever your partner wants to do. They want a blowjob followed by a back massage while they watch housewives of Beverly Hills? Done! You want to be fed chocolate cake while you pour your heart out about the kitty you had as a child. Done!

One hour of complete attention and even, more important, sincere interest in your partner. I imagine for some people the resentment between each other may be too strong to do this for an hour. But 10 minutes is a start. Lol

It always pleasantly amuses me when the 10 minutes I give to my children turns into 30 minutes of bonafide fun. You just never know where it will go, but when you open up to the possibilities and allow whatever happens to happen beautiful things can come.

You know?

But….. me personally….

I really need to get my head away from thinking about relationships. I need to maybe forget men exist and that sex is yummy for just a beat. I need to concentrate on more important matters. Put the libido and my heart on the back burner until I know where this train is headed. Right now, I’m feeling very “little engine that could” and I need to put all my mental, physical, emotional resources into getting over this mountain.

Hoping to God a beautiful, easy valley lays on the other side.

But right this exact moment I have to get rid of this damn UTI. 😜😂😭.


U is for UTI

What does a marathon session of sex for two days get you? Well….it got me a raging UTI. 😒😒😒

I haven’t had a UTI in decades. Pee after sex. Why did I forget?

At one point I was trying to go to sleep. I was exhausted. I was already so sore from going at it for so long. He pounced on me and I tried to fight him off but he thought I was playing and was enjoying me struggling. Knowing he wouldn’t last more than 10 minutes I just went with it. Although the real pain was making me struggle and respond.

I kept saying “daddy it hurts” and he kept telling me that it’s going to hurt, that it’s ok. That daddy’s big cock is going to hurt in my little pussy.

When he was done I rolled right over and fell asleep.

You know….. years from now when I look back on this time I’m really going to wonder where the hell my head was at. Right now it was all fun and games and it felt good. But……. I know there is something more to all of this. I’m just not there to understand it all yet.


I did not sleep well last night. But I feel ok. I think I’ll try mowing the lawn before he comes to pick up the mower, eventually. I definitely can’t afford to pay my neighbors gardner to do it again. 😬 So I can’t let it get that long anymore.

Some memes to get you through the day.


There goes plan B

We broke up again….again!!

Suppose it was inevitable. We can’t seem to get along for any extended period of time. Not sure what made us think we could live together.

I, of course, blame him for having the emotional maturity of a cantaloupe. He, I’m sure, blames me for being hypersensitive. I’m sure the truth is in there somewhere.

The pressure of possibly making a bad choice by moving in with him was a lot to handle. So this, oddly enough, actually takes a lot of stress off of me. Plan B is a bust. But at least it doesn’t mean having to be beholden to a man that likes to keep score and hang things over my head; intentionally or not. 🙄

It also takes pressure off of him. He was going to have to make some serious accomodations for us; even move out of his own bedroom to do so. It was a lot to ask, but it felt necessary, and now it isn’t. It’s all done with.

Strangely I feel better, calmer. I don’t have any plan B now. But no matter. I’ll just keep going moment by moment, day by day. Guess we will see what’s on the other side of this eventually.

Will we actually stay broken up this time? Well… who knows? I wouldn’t mind having sex with him here and there. A sex buddy is always fun to have. But right this moment I really don’t care.

Cruel as it may sound, I have a feeling I’ll sleep well tonight.


Who is to blame?

What does he think when he sees her now? A shell of the woman she used to be. The light he had seen shine so bright within her, the one that made him want her as his own, gone. Flickered out. She seemed so hollow now, lifeless almost, the glitter of love and laughter that surrounded her nowhere to be found.

What did he think when he knew deep inside he had been the one to help kill it? The control he seemed to need over her, the way he demonized her every action and thought, the way he paralyzed her with fear to stop her from being her carefree self.

He hadn’t done it purposefully, had he? He hadn’t sought to make her miserable, right? He had wanted to be near her because of that light and now seeing it faded away he loathed her even more.

But could he take full blame? After all, why had she let him?

Plan B for boi

Plan A is to keep my house.

Assuming that can even be done. I’ve considered that I may need to temporarily halt my colon hydrotherapy business and move us all into my studio so I can rent out the main house and be able to consistently make the mortgage payments.

Then ride this out and see what happens. If I can just manage to stay here one more year to get my junior through high school that will be the best case scenario.

I am really giving it my best here. I am getting all my paperwork together to apply for a few disaster relief loans. I have applied for a local grant. I am taking all the work I can get.

Plan B, if all is lost, is to move in with Brad. On one hand the thought of not having the financial stress of mortgage payments and utilities is a very nice feeling. On the other being dependant on a man, especially one who has ADHD, is a bit hypersensitive and can swing swiftly from anger to tears and everything in between, is going to be difficult.

Whenever I’ve had to depend on a man in my life I have almost always been let down….. and taking that risk again is a bit terrifying to me honestly; especially now with my tribe in tow.


All things considered, I think that overall I’m handling this pandemic in stride. I am so very grateful to Mimi for bringing me all that work in February. We would be in really severe dire straights right now had she not come.

I am so grateful too that I’ve figured out how to get ahead of this virus and that my children are safe. But the stress of all this uncertainty, financially more than anything and the idea of losing my independence is taking a bit of a toll.

It’s ok. I know I just have to handle what’s in front of me right this moment. I just have to breath, try to relax and push ahead one foot at a time. I have no idea what’s on the other side of this. So it does no good to conjecture and I detest worrying.

Gonna try to get a good meditation session in today, maybe some exercise. I have a ton of eBay work to do to in the next few days. Plus a few errands and a Costco run. So busy I am. No time to dilly dally thinking about all of this really.

I’m gonna channel Dory right now and remind myself to just keep swimming. 😉

Hope you all find the strength to keep swimming too.


True courage

It is easy to be cruel and/or take our anger out on those that are subordinate to us in any way. It is so easy to strike out against those that are weaker than us or in a position where they can’t protect themselves against our attack.

The true test of a person is how they treat those they have few repercussions for treating others badly and even more honor goes to those that don’t go along with people that are indulging in abusive and violent behavior…. even when they are being pushed to do so.

We don’t seem to be taught or shown by example a real sense of personal honor and courage in this world beyond patriotism and group allegiance. Which is so very sad to me.

That’s why I do all I can to be an example to my children and to the world of doing the right thing at almost any cost, of following my heart above any crowd, of staying true to myself against any storm, because that shows who I really am, much more than my bank account, my physical appearance, or who I rub elbows next to ever could or would.

My deepest wish for the people of this world is to have the courage to be brave (and truly themselves) against any odds…… I believe all souls would benefit and flourish so beautifully from that. And that this alone would be enough to save this world from the trajectory it seems so unfortunately fated to….. its very own demise.


I’m concerned about 5G

I know we all want and need high speed internet for so many various applications, but at what cost?

Those 5G towers emit far too much radio frequency radiation. It is absolutely not good for us.

I get that progress progresses and that it is what it is and there is little I can do about it. But it seems really interested what we humans allow government and industry to do. How we allow them to pollute the world and our bodies and don’t even give it much thought.

Because we can replace those things easily? Because they are renewable? Because it doesn’t matter?

I actually don’t get it at all. I would prefer we all look at that more closely and try to err on the side of caution and not on the side of “let’s take that risk”. Because who is truly profiting here from all this?

I would personally prefer to forgo all the advancements that can be achieved by it, until we can figure out something completely harmless instead. But noooooo……

Do I need to move to the dead zone? Please tell me I don’t have to become Amish or find an indigenous tribe to join. Move completely off-grid and away from people so remotely they wouldn’t bother putting towers nearby.

IDK. I really don’t. But now that Trump signed Executive Powers to push back all regulations that would impede the growth of the economy I am afraid there will be no stopping this and other potentially worse environmental hazards.

And I can’t help but wonder what the fuck is wrong with people that blatantly pollute earth and their fellow human beings. What planet do they live on? And how do they sleep at night? I really can’t wrap my head around it. I really can’t.

We are on this plane of existence such a short blip of time. We are here and then “poof” our soul moves on. But what we do here leaves a lasting impression not just in this world but it transcends all of space and time to align to the next existence and on and on it goes. In the eternity that your soul belongs to this life is but a drop of water in the vast ocean of your totality. And yet we all mostly act as if this was it and we have no one and nothing to account for or be responsible to beyond our selfish present needs and desires.

The idiocy of that makes me laugh and just shake my head. I wish I could open people’s eyes to the reality of it all. What makes more sense to me than all the logic of this world put together. But I can’t.

I suppose it’s the reason why so often I have let people do ill towards me. Because for one it’s not really my place to correct them. But also because they obviously can’t for themselves yet see that their selfishness hurts them just as much as it hurts me. So I let them do what they do, shrug my shoulders and walk away.

Also because life is too short to take it all personally and let it anger me. But sometimes, like in cases like this with things that have lasting, long term, harmful repurcussions not just for me but for generations yet to come I can’t keep quiet.

I have to say something. Even if I’m saying it into an echo chamber that few hear, less care about and none can or want to do anything with. It’s fine. I am just speaking my truth and what I feel I need to do to try and help, even if ultimately it seems no real help at all.