Thankful

There are always things to be thankful for.

I had read that people were starting family pods during this homeschool situation; where they hire a teacher for a small group of their children to have a very small private school sort of experience.

It allows children to still be social, allows for an accredited teacher to make sure they are where they need to be, and ensures that there is limited exposure since it is the same small group coming together day after day.

It’s a luxury that I didn’t give any more thought to after reading about it. Except now my youngest has been invited to join one. These families know my financial position and have let me join with no cost. It’s a blessing I never anticipated but one I am so very grateful for.

The little one has suffered greatly from lack of socializing and online school is obviously online and honestly she just doesn’t need any more screen time in her life. I’m seriously tortured by how much she has now, already.

And I cried when they invited us to join. A school mate’s mom is a teacher and she has space in her home to make a classroom. So 3 days a week for about 5 hours a day they will meet to have class. I hope it works out for everyone. I also hope they’ll let me help or contribute in some way.

I was so excited I called my mom. Which I should have known was going to be a mistake. She asked a few questions and then I heard the envy bordering on anger in her voice as she dismissed the whole thing. As if to say no one every helped her when she was in my position and she wasn’t happy for me.

I know how hard she had it. No family around, no friends, never one to ask for help, even when she needed it. My father never even paid child support. She put herself through night school to get her master’s degree and tried to care for me as best she could.

Her job while stable never promoted her because she was a female, let alone a black female in a very traditional Japanese owned company. She even had to train her male superiors at various points because she knew their job so well.

I don’t let her bitterness get to me. I don’t take it personal. I know she loves me in her own way, at least that’s what I choose to believe.

I guess the silver lining is that it makes it really easy to find comedy in it when people insult me. Because, as I told some random Domme that didn’t like my stances on various things when I first started my blog.

“I’ve been told much worse by people I actually care about. So if your intention is to hurt me you’ll have to try much harder. I’m just being myself here, trying to be honest and real and if you don’t like what I’m saying, feel free to move along.”

And she did. Probably because she saw that I’m not easily baited and I really didn’t give a crap about what she had to say.

So having a bitter, judgemental mom that can’t show affection in any way comes in handy for something. And I’m still grateful for her. She is who she is and I accept her that way. What’s the option? Hate her, ignore her, put her in her place?

Nope. That’s not me. She is my mother and I will always respect her. That’s she’s never been capable of being who I needed her to be is something I’ve learned to forgive her for, even though she’s never asked for it and never will. I never intend on bringing it up. She is who she is for a reason. Aren’t we all? 🤷🏽‍♀️

🌈🌏✌🏽🥰🤗❣️💋

And it’s the first. Rent day. So grateful for that too. Hoping that makes life a little more bearable.

Where is the best place to hide something dangerous and true?

In plain sight.

The best way to keep people from believing something is to discredit it, make it appear nefarious or worse silly.

They do it with UFO’s. They do it with intuition/psychic ability. They do this with climate control. They do it with vaccines conspiracies. They do it with our contaminated environment, food, water.

They brush it all aside as frivolity or idiocy. Yet the truth is right there in plain sight.

I was giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe companies are just seeking the bottom line. Maybe they aren’t poisoning our foods, our farmlands, our water, our animals purposefully. But any way I look at it now seems not only inhumane but downright sinister. I now believe we are purposefully being downgraded as human beings.

That our innate kindness, kindred spirit, ability to connect to each other and the universe is being purposefully thwarted.

And I finally got here thanks to Trump and Dr. Stella Immanuel’s conspiracy videos.

I honestly would rather trust a doctor that is on the ground doing hands on treatments day in and day out than a lab. Especially when said labs are getting lots of funding to come up with a potentially unnecessary new drug.

It’s all about following the money to me. And this smells rotten. Don’t you think it makes more sense that pharmaceutical companies would want to discredit an easy to get and make and very cheap medicine already on hand for Coronavirus and then be able to turn around and create a highly profitable vaccine? Yes, yes I do.

Personally I prefer this news.

But hey, back to my original thesis.

This doctor also claims vaccines are meant to turn you away from God. At first glance that sounds absolutely ludicrous. But when you understand that we humans possess a God gene and that the pineal gland is the gateway to higher source, our energy body and our intuition then it starts to make more sense.

All these artificial additives and colors and chemicals in our body have a direct negative impact on not only our endocrine system but our pineal gland as well. Flouride, for example, which has been touted for decades is a horrible poison for our “energy systems”.

I’m so sick of people not understanding that we are spiritual creatures and that our spiritual bodies need clean water, clean wholesome foods, and a clean environment to be at our most optimal.

All the junk we ingest, breath, the destructive things we let permeate our psyche and choose to believe. The anger, stress, and lifestyle choices we take on, all this has an effect on our spiritual being.

And to think that on top of all this our innate ability to connect to God is being purposefully driven out of us and squelched leaves one to ponder why?

And again it all comes back to money.

People who function on a higher spiritual level won’t fall in line to the way the world functions. They won’t fall prey to hatred so easily. They won’t be contained by fear and material carrots dangled over their head because they know the value of their soul. And their connection to God, nature and every being on earth and beyond is more valuable than any material gains ever could be.

In other words, they can’t be easily manipulated, bought or swayed by the mechanics of the way the world works now. And it is in the interest of those profitting from the way the world is now to keep it that way and to try to gain even more control over the population.

It’s the enslavement and control over people’s natural ability to be full of love and compassion, because a compassionate and kind world would not function as this world does now.

Some people say and think a second coming of Christ is coming, but I guarantee you no dictator, president, or even the Vatican itself wants that. They are all very vested in the systems that are in place now.

In fact I go so far as to say if God created a child now to be the next Messiah he or she would be purposefully killed before they reached any age of understanding their purpose. Because that is the way of this world now.

And until we wake up to this. Until we open ourselves up to our true spiritual potential, each and every one of us will continue to be slaves to the enteties of greed that control this world.

And that is my true belief, unfortunately, and I pray that we can all raise our souls enough to save this planet from the trajectory it is on. I really do pray for that.

🙏🏽🌈🌏✌🏽❣️

Be in the moment / “not complaining”

I’m trying really hard to just be in the moment without judgement, or expectations. To just do the tasks at hand with as much intention as I can muster and not allow room for complaint or complacency.

I’m trying really hard. Otherwise I’d have to complain about what a hard week I’m having and no one wants to hear that. Right?

I mean……

Did my teenager run into a parked car? Yes. Even though it was illegally parked on too narrow a street for parking, she still hit an unoccupied, parked car.

Did my printer die on the worst week possible? And no store has “cheap” printers during a pandemic that has everyone working from home. Causing me an unexpected $300 (including ink, at least). Yes. Yes it did.

Did I go up to do a formal move-in inspection for the renters only to find that the two large dogs are doing more damage to the floor than I expected? That in only a week they’ve managed to already create whole areas full of little scratches in the living room and hallway. It’s not that bad yet, merely very noticeable. But at this rate I’m scared to see what 6 months does.

Does it matter that I, in trying to get off my ex’s plan (that I paid for, but he I am pretty sure monitored) moved my phone over to Xfinity Mobile only to find that their network is truly horrendous? And I only get intermittent call service, at best and even then only if I am very close to a good wi-fi network.

And the thing that actually made me almost cry. It was officially announced yesterday that schools will not start in person next month. It will be exclusively online until at least October.

Ugghhhhhh.

I am trying to take everything in stride. These are all just minor nuisances. Right? Nothing in and of itself monumentally horrific or catastrophic.

Just a pandemic that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and life going on as best as possible.

And this is all me “not complaining” and living in the moment trying to find gratitude for the things I can.

It is sunny and beautiful outside. My children are intact (yes, I’ve lowered my parenting standards to this adjective). My new printer is really snazzy and technically I paid with it with unemployment’s assistance, very thankfully.

I think I’ll make a fruit salad. Watermelons are very sweet and juicy this time of year.

💋

🌈🌏✌🏽🥰🙏🏽🤗❣️

I have a life jacket….

It took a Pandemic, a business loss, a job loss, weight gain, school closures, a lawyers help, government housing counseling, and renting out my house to get here.

Well……maybe not all those were imperative. But I’m here. I am financially solvent. Granted I’m living in a basement and have no idea what the future holds, but no complaints.

And as soon as the loan modification comes through, with the renters paying most of the mortgage, that will be a giant relief as well.

So…. right now….. I’m fine.

Why Brad is now showing me wedding rings and retirement accounts and planning on remodeling his house for us to all fit comfortably, while a bit flattering also seems a bit redundant.

Like where was he when I was floundering? Where was he when I was engulfed in uncertainty and completely panicked and flailing about? 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

I guess it’s always nice to have options. And I’m not putting him off, but also….. words are just words. So he can say as he chooses and I will choose to keep living my life without giving his words any more thought.

If and when they become actions I can revisit it. But that part is up to him and I am honestly very confused about this, so I’d rather not think about it at all. That’s just added stress I don’t need right now.

On the plus side. I passed both exams for the county jobs I applied for. The next step is interviews. I should know by next week if I go forward in the process. I’m actually hoping for the 911 job, even though it’s graveyard and being that I sleep in the living room right now we will see how I navigate that, if it comes about.

But the pay is enough to take care of my mortgage, especially since I can turn around and rent out the basement to someone else and have rental income on top of it. And the benefit package is really great too.

The stress of the job is really high and they micromanage you for over a year, where you are completely shadowed; every day, every minute. I mean, the turnover isn’t over 70% for no reason.

But I’m pretty sure I can handle it. Now to see if they can handle me. Lol. No. Jk. But let’s see if the third time is a charm. I thought both my previous interviews were pretty good and yet I didn’t get hired.

So we will see this time. I can’t do much more than that truthfully. I answered the questions honestly. I tried to be as personable as possible. I think this time given the chance I’ll actually try and sell myself more; dress up more and tout myself much more.

That’s not generally my thing, but drastic times call for drastic measures and if they can’t see how wonderful I am, then it’s my job to inform them about it. Right? 😂😂😉

Because truthfully I just don’t know how much more I can take of basement living and just any other job won’t get me back in my house. Nor will setting up shop in a clinic without a steady flow of clients.

But who knows what will happen. For now I’m just waiting out the pandemic, going in a direction that feels right but mostly just really trying to keep myself and the kids afloat through this all.

And I’m absolutely content with that…. for now.

🥰🌈🌏✌🏽🤗💋❣️🙏🏽

It’s only noon

Jeezus!!

I’ve already had two blow outs with people. Normally under regular circumstances that number leans closer to none. (Unless we are talking about my ex.) Lol

Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s that I’m a bit stressed and irritated and just not having it right now. But I literally yelled at my mortgage lenders attorney today, throwing my own housing counselor under the bus and then had a blow out with a (potential) client on top of that.

It’s completely unlike me. I am usually pretty docile and accommodating. I cede because why be combative. It generally doesn’t help. Now, that said, I know there are times for it.

For example, one of my children will only respond to me yelling. She won’t do a thing until I get exasperated and threaten her. It’s like a game to her. So….. I’ve adapted to that mode of parenting her. Not by choice but by need.

It also means she gets away with doing a lot less than her siblings because I don’t want to have to argue with her constantly. So she’s obviously (admittedly) much smarter than I am and one day I’ll need to figure out a new approach that works better.

Here is my morning drama for you to enjoy. Because, well, something good should come from it. And I find it amusing, maybe because it’s so atypical for me. Lol

This is what I sent the attorney. He of course responded dryly, simply repeating what he had already said as if I simply needed to hear it again. 🙄🙄🙄 Do they teach people to have alexithymia* in law school?

And here is the other thread.

I did give him another referral after this but I can’t and won’t recommend people I don’t know or trust so 🤷🏽‍♀️, he is kind of on his own unfortunately.

And I’m not offering at home enemas to people out of my client roster or outside word of mouth. That’s an unnecessary risk I simply don’t need to take on.

Well. Gonna make breakfast. Maybe go to Trader Joe’s later. I think it’s near 100 out so I’ll stay indoors for now.

Enjoy your day.

Hope it’s more light-hearted than mine.😝😒😂

🌏🌈✌🏽🥰💋🤗❣️

——-

*The core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relating. Furthermore, people with alexithymia have difficulty in distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought to lead to unempathetic and ineffective emotional responding.

Decisions, decisions….. what decisions? (cabin fever)

I called my mom. I was on the fence about doing a local online speed dating event. She said “no, absolutely not”. Told me I was too busy and to just keep sleeping with Brad, at least until the pandemic dies down.

I didn’t want to explain to her that the Trump lover and I have not been getting along that well and haven’t seen each other in a bit. Just nothing no one wants to hear and I don’t feel like rehashing that old roller coaster saga.

Then I mentioned to the kids getting out of here for a month as soon as they formalize the no in person school thing. Told them we can drive down to CA and stay in an apartment close to the beach, maybe visit some family and friends. Which I grant you is very irresponsible during a pandemic. Especially driving into a hot spot.

But I’m grasping at straws trying to find something to look forward to, because more of what we are enduring now just seems abysmal to me.

But only one of the kids was on board. The other has her boyfriend leaving to go to college next month and the third won’t go anywhere without her cat and just refuses to leave; citing new friends and the comfort of home. She has always been my homebody child. So that got squelched too. Back to square zero.

Here.

Just here.

Plugging away at the days. Waiting for an epidemic to end. Waiting for an opportunity to present itself. Waiting for a love I’m unsure will ever show up.

I’m generally, genuinely a very patient, hopeful, centered person. But right now I feel a bit disconnected from my life. Like it’s happening all to me and I’m not really participating much in it. And I need to regain some semblance of control over this chaos. The chaos within at least. The one that is tapping me on the shoulder saying “come on, shake things up, do something, let’s go!”.

Because every day is starting to feel like every other day right now, akin to groundhogs day.

And while I have plenty of things to do, I have zero motivation to do any of them.

I know what I need. I need to stay strong, keep motivating myself, finding the calm within.

I think maybe I will add a meditation session during the day now. That’s something beneficial I can easily do. I think that will help, although I’m not exactly sure how. Currently I meditate when I wake up and when I go to sleep. The first let’s me enter the day calmly before turning on my phone, looking at my to do list or engaging with the world.

The latter lets me exit the day calmly and sleep much better. Sometimes I need to go over my thoughts, moods, actions and what transpired during the day before feeling at ease. Which isn’t always comfortable or quick but I’ve grown to find it vital towards sleeping well. And meditating helps me see and process it all without judgement.

I don’t have a lot of control over things right now so the best thing to do is stay calm and do the best I can with what’s presented…… and find peace with that.

May we all find peace within.

🙏🏽🌏🌈🥰✌🏽💋🤗

Trying not to loose sight

of the goals I’ve set, the opportunities in front of me and the things in my immediacy. But it’s not easy.

For one, living underneath my house is really depressing. Last time I did it while Airbnb’ing my house I was still operated my business and it was just a bit more fun. Wondering what the guests were like, if they were enjoying their stay. There was mystery and excitement, and of course the red room.

Granted my ex had my kids full time which was giving me massive anxiety, but I was using that time without them wisely and working out every day and feeding the homeless.

It’s not that I feel hopeless, it’s that I feel direction-less.

I’m still in the running for the 911 job, which would allow me back into the house. I can still take the written test for court interpretater program in November but the oral exam won’t be until next summer and I can’t work at the courts until I pass both. Although I think I can still put myself on the list as a native speaker. Which I may do now, since that is free I believe. And you never know. I’ll shoot off an email today about that, since it’s on my mind.

But we got an email yesterday from the school district that it’s looking more and more like school will not start physically next month. Which is a huge bummer for me and the kids. Honestly, I’m not sure which of us is more bummed about it. The going to be senior, the 2nd grader who misses all her friends or me. It’s a toss up.

If there were somewhere in the world I could take them, some beautiful, safe beach location, to live life just until school reopens physically….that would be grand. But those are Rockefeller dreams on my root beer budget.

If I don’t get this job with 911 then I really don’t know what is keeping us here anymore. My business is closed, school doesn’t look like it’s starting, and there are no friends or family to really anchor us.

I don’t know. The world is crazy right now. All I know is I don’t particularly feel safe here anymore. With the racial division in this country right now I don’t even feel safe going for a walk alone in my own neighborhood in brood daylight. My children can pass for whitish, so I feel fine with them roaming around, but not so much for myself. Maybe it’s all in my head, but there have been several incidents of racism in my little town. I mean they don’t call this city “White” Linn for nothing.

Where do you go in the world when your own country doesn’t really seem to want you? Where do you go to fit in? Where do you go to be safe? Where do you go to truly belong?

Many times, during my life….like right now, I feel so very much like Stitch in the original Lilo and Stitch movie, when he realizes he doesn’t have a family or home to go back to.

My kids are my only true home. So being with them makes me feel complete without needing too much more in the world. But if I’m going to be quarantined like this indefinitely with the kids not having physical school and not getting hired then I’m not sure how much of this living under my own house I can endure. Maybe once they hand me the first rent check I’ll feel better, but right now I don’t.

I am really not enjoying very much of this at all. But I can bide my time until these other items get a definitive resolution and then I can decide what to do with myself and the kids.

Malta isn’t sounding so bad…… although they might not want us either right now. Lol

🌏🌈✌🏽💋

Take it Easy – Eagles

I’ve been taking it easy on myself. Not putting unreasonable expectations on myself. Just going with the flow and resting a lot. I want to start an exercise routine here soon. Which I’ve been telling myself for years, but I’m feeling close to actually starting.

I have about 30 boxes of junk to sort through. Stuff that I accumulated in the garage and house that I simply don’t know what to do with. Purge comes to mind. I am tackling this huge project by taking care of two boxes a day.

That’s my minimum requirement for myself. And I’m treating myself to a hammock on a stand for my yard when I’m done. That will make me more apt to meditate too, since I’ll have a nice sunny, fresh air space to do so. I prefer meditating laying down; true savasana. But right now I’m not sure how close that day is. The wall of boxes is a bit discouraging.

So I will just chop this all up to fate. I’m gonna keep the things that are either of sentimental value, can not be replaced or I can sell for a good amount of cash. All else gets donated or trashed. And that’s that. They are just things. Probably all easily replaceable, if I so choose to.

And I figure if and when I get back into my house or elsewhere it will be fun shopping for new stuff anyway. Or maybe I develop a true love for minimalism. That would be cool.

Growing up poor instilled a fear in me surrounding “lack of” and also an inability to get rid of potentially useful things or pass up a great bargain on something I may use. Those are mindsets I want to let go of; primarily the fear and feeling of having to hold on to things. It’s not necessary. None of that stuff is needed to be happy and at peace with my life. None of it.

It’s time for a new me. A me that is truly healthy and at peace with her life, from the inside out. That’s the goal. That’s the vision.

Now I just gotta walk the walk.

Enjoy the journey ❣️

🌏🌈✌🏽🥰💋

Girls can get sex fairly easily….but

good sex is a whole different story.

Wish that our anatomies just needed a few gyrations and some glossy photos to achieve release.

I used to know a girl in high school who was fairly promiscuous. She would masturbate before she let the boy enter her body and keep masturbating during. I thought she was wild. Now I know she was just trying to get hers.

When I have a steady partner my orgasm is primary. He doesn’t get release until after I do. That’s the way it is, take it or leave it. Most times my partners are almost as enthusiastic about my orgasm as their own. That’s what I prefer in a sexual partner: generosity and adventure.

Trying to find a new lover is not impossible or even improbable but I’m not sure I like any of the prospects in my Rolodex and shuffling through a few this last week has me regretting it.

I dread trying a dating app. I already disconnected from FetLife. What’s a girl to do? No sex is absolutely not viable. It isn’t. Frankly I’d rather go without food.

I say that because I’ve been watching a movie on Breatharianism. It’s where people live off energy. Fascinating, actual historical and verified accounts of people living for years and decades with no food or even water. Their digestive systems become almost obsolete. At least they don’t function in the same way we are accustomed to.

In other words, no evacuation at all. Which makes sense I suppose. Except that the organs are always working. Your colon is still the pathway your liver and lymphatic system uses to drain. The kidneys are still shown to be filtering liquid. Yet it all gets reabsorbed.

These people all are healthy too. In the documentary I am watching one man claims he is in the best shape of his life and is shown playing tennis and jogging, neither of which I could do right now and I eat plenty. Lol

How could this world not fascinate, tittilate and amuse? It only takes looking either more closely at the things around us or expanding our view wider to be absolutely amazed by it all. No?

Still though……what am I going to do about sex? 🤔🤔🤔