Scattered Thoughts

Since my mom died I can sit in a chair and stare into space and be fine there for hours. I don’t feel sad. I am just pensive and quiet.

The kids ask me why I keep staring at them. I’m not trying to freak them out. I’m just enjoying watching them; knowing they exist and I get to love them.

I laid in bed last night and just stared at the little one while she slept. Stared at her cute tiny freckles. The slope of her chubby little cheeks and her cute little dry lips. The first thing I noticed when I finally got to meet her outside of my body.

——

I’ve also been thinking of my mom and her bad decisions with men. How she put her faith and life in the hands of a man who ultimately wasn’t there for her and she paid a steep price for it.

I’m thinking about how I have equally bad taste in men, worse really, and this is something that I must taking into account as a grave and serious issue, not to be casually dismissed as a laughing matter, because I see what the consequences can be.

——–

I’ve been thinking about Brad. How I was so addicted to the rush of our sex life. How much I enjoyed being taken care of financially. How he showered me with words of affection. There were some great times we had and I enjoyed feeling loved. But I wonder how my perspective on all this will change with more time.

I can’t change any of it, but if I could would I? Yes actually, I would rather the relationship hadn’t lasted quite as long as it did. I wish I could have learned my lessons quicker and walked away sooner; with less damage to my frame and psyche.

I’m definitely passed the point where I feel inclined to text him. I’ve gotten used to him not being around anymore. I’m getting used to a life without him in it again.

I’m sure there are lessons still to come out of all of it.

My self esteem is coming back. I’m starting to feel stronger. I’m feeling good again being on my own. And the idea of not needing to have a man in my life is settling in softly, not as a form of torture, but as a viable option for a happy life.

Many women have done it before me and many will do it after, not to mention all the women doing it now. There is solidarity there.

I don’t think I’ll consider switching sides at this point. Right now I truly feel fine being alone.

—–

Well… I have a lot of eBay work to get done. I think I’ll start on that today. Good thing to do while trying to quarantine.

——

It’s a gorgeous day out. Sunny and crisp.

—-

On a sad note I finally got a hold of my aunt in New York. No one has told her . She asked how my mother was and I lied and got off the phone as soon as I could. I told her I’d call her later when her caretaker is there.

I want to ask how my aunt is doing mentally and if they think it’s safe to tell her as well as needing all her contact numbers: her social worker, her doctor, her helpers. Seemingly, no one has done anything in regards to helping her.

She said she was fine, but I also know she wouldn’t tell me if she wasn’t. I asked her to move here with me, she refused, insisting she’s fine. We will see once she knows about my mom. I’m sure she has guessed but she will have to know the truth eventually.

And I’m making that call here in a few hours. 😐

—-

Love ❣️

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ’‹

Lay off people please

First I had a friend and a family member in California tell me how bad it was for the children to be divorced. As if I picked that option on a whim and “Gee you’re right. What was I thinking?” and let me just grovel back to my ex so I can keep living that hell. Which, oh by the way, I left FOR my children.

But I didn’t want to talk about it. So I just agreed and shut up. Maybe that was their way to try to see if the rumors of why I divorced were true. But it’s more drama than I had the energy to discuss. And I just didn’t see the point. Most people really don’t want to believe the real reasons I got divorced and I don’t blame them.

——-

Then I get home and the teenager rags on me because I didn’t tell her when picture day was. I had seen the email and assumed because we submitted senior photos it was unnecessary. Plus I was preoccupied. Sorry. But she was really angry.

I get that at one point I had the privilege of being a room mom. I didn’t have to work and could easily coordinate the house, the kids, the finances, and all else.

But that simply isn’t the case now. I’m doing the best I can here. She was not amused when I told her that. So I said “call the school and find out”. To which she says she would not. I get the emails, so I need to forward them to her or let her know. That’s my job. I’m the mom. So then I’m like “I’m not your only parent”. Crickets. No one cares. It’s on me. That’s just the way it is I guess.

———

So then I’m talking to my dad and he says “talk to people”. He means lawyers and stuff, to figure out if it’s worth going after my mom’s estate. I told him I didn’t really want to and he says “well, think it through carefully and decide”. He wasn’t offering money or help. Last time he did (a few weeks ago) I heard his wife balking in the background. So that was that I guess.

——-

I get that none of these people truly understand my life and how difficult it already is and how them imposing their expectations just adds more stress. These are all people that care about me and I care about and because of that their opinions hold weight. But also, at the same time, I am doing the best I can here….. so “Sorry to disappoint. But also, I’m sure it’s not the first or last time it will happen.”.

I’d ask for more compassion, but I don’t see the point. It just makes people feel bad or get defensive: neither of which is my goal. And I’m not being a marytr here. But I do think I seem to handle my emotions better than most people, so whatever. Fine. Moving on.

———–

I’m formulating the thought that as far as men go…… I’m going to just have fun. I’m going to not take any of it all that serious. Because at the end of the day I really do believe that the kind of man I seek is so rare that I may never find him.

And also that, unfortunately, by societal standards I have little to offer. But by my own standards I know my love, attention, affection and sharing of myself and my life is the real prize.

So what I think I’ll do is just accept that it may never happen. I may never meet the man worthy of all I have to give. And that’s fine but I won’t settle for less or give myself so freely. I mean yes, I’m going to go out and have fun and be open to whatever possibilities formulate. But I’m going to accept that I may never meet the man of my dreams or marry again and that’s fine too.

It truly is. Sex and companionship is not to be taken for granted. And those are things that are much easier to find than true love. Really who knows? I’m not closing myself off to anything. I’m just not focusing or thinking about it anymore either. It’s been a lifetime of longing that seems a lot of time and energy wasted.

I’ve got my own life to live regardless of whether true love materializes or not.

I’ve got a life to make full all on my own and I intend to do that to the best of my capabilities. Right? With or without a man.

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ₯°πŸ’‹

Catching my breath

Trying to catch my breath. I’ve had a headache since I got to the airport yesterday that I have not been able to shake yet. I’m hoping this coffee enema knocks it out. Hard to focus on anything when it hurts like this.

Ok so. Where are we?

The autopsy is plugging along, but it could take weeks to get any progress on that with how things are in California right now.

The plumbing got fixed. It took him all day but my handyman found the leak in the ground outside the house. He dug it up and fixed it. The water that came in was clean, but I still need to clean up and disinfect. I’m hoping there is no permanent damage, but to my knowledge this is at least the 3rd time this basement has flooded. Which is why they set up mitigation for that. So hopefully this is also the last.

I haven’t done anything about the loan modification but….. I had put an appeal on another state program for housing assistance and they are looking into the appeal. Now this solution would neccesitate me having to come up with about $40k in cash to settle the money in arrears and bring me current. This mean I’ll have to literally use every penny to my name and borrow money from my father and my ex-husband. But I’ll keep the house. It’s absolutely worth it. But I’ll be living paycheck to paycheck again and will probably have to find another job on top of eBay. Which is fine.

But the naturopath doctor I really wanted to work with texted me. He said he had something he wanted to discuss. I had already approached him about working together. He also came in for treatments. So he knows my work, ethics and belief in holistic medicine. I’m super excited to hear what he has to say. But if this goes through with the house in the way above it will take all my savings I won’t have money to restart my colon practice.

It takes thousands to get the plumbing set up and city permits. I won’t have it. But I’m still curious. He is the exact kind of doctor I would love to work with. He is already using ozone. He firmly believes in colon hydrotherapy and he would be the ideal person to oversee rectal ozone.

But I’m jumping ahead of myself on all of these. Right now it’s all up in the air. But I’m getting quite used to my life being this way, in a holding pattern. Everything is out of my hands right now. Not the most pleasant feeling for someone that likes to be in control, but it also takes a lot of pressure off. Because I literally can’t do a single thing and I’m using that to learn to have patience and stay hopeful. And also, maybe more importantly to leave it to the universe, God, and my fellow humankind to do what they will; keep faith alive and see what happens.

Do I have plan B’s? Not really. I should but I’m so busy playing defense I can’t seem to get into offense mode very well right now; or at all even.

Headache is abating though. I’ll take it. Good morning world❣️

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ₯°πŸ’‹

Are you a good new or bad new first person?

Well. About 5 days ago I burnt myself with the curling iron: really badly. It kept scabbing over but the swelling underneath the burn was getting really bad and really red. Last night pain was radiating from my elbow to my shoulder. I thought maybe I could have sepsis. I’ve never had it so I didn’t quite know what to look for. A quick internet search was not helpful.

It was late. I have to fly today. So I prayed. I did some light energy work. I forced myself to eat a small strip of fresh inner fillet aloe vera (tastes yuck) and took a very high dose of pure vitamin C. Woke up to the swelling having gone way down and no pain. Yay! I will gladly and thankfully take it. Thank you❣️

——

Looks like the autopsy is going to go through. The lawyer knew exactly what I needed. He’s done this before, and has argued both sides. So he knew I had the win and the clear-cut law on my side. The most important factor was where my mother’s body was in the process. Can she still be autopsied? And yes. She’s fine. So yay!! It will cost me no less than $12k dollars though. Unfortunately.

———–

Oh and my house did flood. Last night. I had to have the tenants turn off the main line into the house. My handyman is on the way. I got an Airbnb starting tomorrow for 4 nights. I think I can pinpoint pretty well where it is. But the entire flooring has to be ripped up in that area and I’m guessing there is a cement foundation underneath. Fun!!! Doesn’t that sound like fun?

I do have a home warranty and home owners insurance and my great handyman.

———

None of these feel like wins really, but I’m also not gonna roll over and die because things are shitty.

I’m gonna hope for some miracles and just gonna keep on keeping on. πŸ™πŸ½πŸ’‹

Here’s my burn. This looks decent now. It looked retched last night.

From politics to corporations and the digital age

I get that I’m a “hair brained liberal” by most people’s standards. But I don’t consider myself a liberal. I don’t consider myself all that political really.

But honestly lately, over the last few years talking about politics makes a lot of people sound cruel; even the left: with their anger and riots and over the top hatred of Trump…..but I have to say that the right seems to take the cake on it, not all but…..

And see….the thing is……I like people. I like talking to people and talking about politics sometimes just leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Like why did we have to share that? I am all for transparency and disclosure and honesty, but it is also a big giant world that we have to share and cohabitate as pleasantly as possible.

Do I want to know your secret fears? Do I want to see your secret prejudices said out loud? Do I want to walk it all back and see how you got there? Because I really feel it takes that to understand where someone is truly coming from and not judge them harshly for the seemingly cruel things they say (on either political side). And that’s more energy and time that I want to take to talk about a subject that truly doesn’t even interest me to begin with. Like almost not at all.

I will if pressed talk about politics. I will. If it comes up and I can add to or correct anything. But no one likes the latter and who really needs the former?

I mean seriously. Isn’t anyone tired of talking about all the bullshit yet?

It isn’t going to change. Did those people storming the capital really think they are going to change the course of the election? Do they truly believe their voice will change anything?

Not trying to make anyone angry here. I’m just saying that the frustration they are feeling should be amplified 100 times and that’s what BLM is to many more people. But do you see them storming the Capital?

I’ve seen some interesting things come out of the BLM movement. I’m super proud of some government efforts. They are far superceding the private sector, to absolutely no one’s surprise.

Let people have a choice in whether they do the right thing or not and watch them do the wrong thing. That seems to be the way. “What can we get away with?”

But corporations are led by people.

So………maybe they should be more accountable.

We all need to be more accountable because none of this is happening under a rock and nothing is ever truly hidden.

———-

I am starting to hate the digital age. But there doesn’t seem to be a going back in time. Does there? We are stuck moving forward into truly surreal territory. I’m sure it will be stranger and wilder than anything we ever imagined. Because it’s all so new.

I hope somehow we make it to a place of good stewardship for our planet and amicable and mutually beneficial cohabitation between all people’s.

Who knows which way it will all go. It’s all such a mystery. And all in all, with all that’s going on, I am surprised that I can still say I’m glad I’m here for the ride.

And hopefully you are toβ£οΈπŸ™πŸ½

πŸ₯°πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ’‹

Get out of the basin

The air quality here is really bad. They already blamed the air quality here for over 30% of chronic asthma. And there are a lot more trucks and cargo containers coming into the port right now. More than I’ve ever seen, plus the cruise ships idling out there too. The sunsets are this spectacularly beautiful for a reason.

If I lived here I would try to leave the basin or I would always have a good high graded mask on. Because between the air and having to smoke THC because they don’t sell RSO it’s not a good combination.

Ok. They do sell RSO, but the only place that had it locally was backordered. You would never have that happen in Oregon. The edibles I saw were all laden with chemicals and sugar. It’s almost as if it isn’t meant to be medicinal here at all. But I probably didn’t shop around good enough.

No, but I’m serious. You get out to Burbank and beyond and the air is good. You can see in the distance, without a giant haze blocking everything.

Asian countries that have this problem wear masks for that reason too. The air quality is simply too bad to breathe. Then add in a pandemic that affects your lungs and it is no wonder they are at 0% capacity in the ICU’s.

I can’t wait to come home. Gonna try to quarantine myself as much as I possibly can and wear my mask diligently for the next two weeks, no matter where I am. Because I don’t want anyone sick on my account. The kids…..well….. hopefully they are immune. I’ll shower and disinfect my body when I get home.

Oh and by the way……

I have a water leak under the house I think. I’m just hoping it holds as-is until I get back. Because otherwise it’s going to be a spectacle and I honestly don’t know what will happen.

πŸ™„πŸ˜”πŸ˜

Nope, no one

No one enjoys being talked at. That’s what I remember the most about school; and why I hated it so much.

And it’s how so many men are. Quite a few women too, but nothing close to men numbers wise. I hope and think the younger generations hasn’t learned to do that, but I haven’t looked at any numbers on that. Lol

It’s all funny to me on some level.

Life is so comical and so horrendous, so heroic and so evil, so beautiful and so terrifying.

At the end I’m left with a laugh that is much more sad than, if really at all, funny. So is it still a laugh?

I’ll settle

for peace of mind and contentment in life. I don’t need to be jubilant. I don’t need to be always thriving and achieving. I can be settled into myself as a person and really just hold neutrality for it all. And I do mean all; from my life to things of much more importance to the most trifle of trifles.

I can hold this neutrality about it that actually confounds me sometimes. Because it doesn’t seem to be how most the world operates. There is avoidance, complicity, intention/purposefulness, passion/desire and aggression. But neutrality is much more complex. Because it is awareness and curiosity about all that is happening all around me with this non-judgemental approach to trying to understand it.

I have emotions. I display emotions. I have opinions; strong ones. But overall I actually do try to see the world this way. And I think people see that as dangerous and naive and I’m not disagreeing a much as the fact that it’s taken me a long time to try to figure out what I want and need and how to be myself and also be happy with who that is.

And for things inside my little tiny realm I am starting to be very much more careful who I let in. And that took a lot of growth. And for the rest…..you know…..I’ve had a lot of really great experiences in life from being open and not guarded.

I try to be even more open, more aware, more understanding so that I can exhibit some amount of compassion in this world.

All things taken into account. I’ve had a hard life but the world has been kind to me: people have been so unbelievably nice to me. I’ve said it before and I maintain that all the way from strangers to friends have helped me in life much more than any family member ever has. And I’m so thankful for that.

So yea. I think maybe I’ll keep aiming for happiness. I mean why not? But I’ll definitely settle for contentment and peace of mind.

πŸ™πŸ½πŸ₯°πŸŒπŸŒˆβœŒπŸ½

Lawyer Up

That’s what the mortuary said. “You can always lawyer up.”

I didn’t want to have to and I’m not sure it will provide any results.

But I lawyered up. $7500 retainer. Plus the $4200 for the autopsy if I can get it.

I didn’t have to be here for it. But it’s fine. I asked the secretary to verify with the attorney directly that he had time to start with the case immediately, as time is of the essence, before I signed the contract. They said yes. I hope that is indeed the case.

I think it’s better for me psychologically to still be here. So maybe I can have resolution to this before I leave. I’m doubtful, but I guess we’ll see.

Part of me thinks maybe I should just resolve myself to my life. I keep thinking my life will open up. That it will be easier at some point. That things will start going in my favor. And some things do. There is ease with some things. Just not the things I’ve enjoyed and put real effort into. Those endeavors don’t seem to allow for fruition.

What do I have ease with? eBay and spiritual quests. So maybe I need to focus my energies there. Because men and colon hydrotherapy just don’t seem to get me anywhere, no matter how much I love them. Lol

——–

Today is a housekeeping day. I’ve been here a week and it shows. There is no housekeeper for most Airbnb’s. So I’ve got to do dishes, take out the trash, and maybe do laundry again.

But I am getting a massage. There is a great woman that does the most amazing cranial sacral head massages here. With very little pressure she can release mass amounts of tension. You really have to experience it to know what I’m talking about. But it’s awesome. And I haven’t really looked for someone comparable in Portland.

Tomorrow I see my girlfriends again and Wednesday morning I leave. I’ll call the lawyers tomorrow if I don’t hear from them before that. I generally don’t like to bust people’s balls, but timing is important here.

Wish me luck❣️

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ’‹

3 middle age women – ramble about nothing much

(ok. Maybe a hair passed that. I don’t know the technical cut-off between middle aged and old or senior, but we aren’t there quite yet.)

Sitting around jibber-jabbering about the pandemic and our kids and our mothers and life. It was nice. So nice. I pay attention to what they each have to say. What they primarily talk about. I notice I’m different than most mom’s as in that I only talk about my kids slightly more than people without kids do.

In other words I notice that’s what they primarily talk about. Which is cool. I guess it’s better than work and I know to us mother’s our kids are in our constant thought processes. It’s hard wired.

But generally I don’t talk about them much at all. For starters I guess is that it’s complicated and then I can never gauge why people ask and what exactly or how much they want to know. So I always say the same thing “Fine thanks.”.

Obviously with this group of women I didn’t. We’ve been friends for a long time. But here is the thing. There are so many parts of my life that are feeling like a greasy dumpster fire that I just don’t have the desire or motivation to share or talk about it. And why would anyone want to listen to it? I mean. Therapist get paid for it and even they probably hate it sometimes.

I hope one day my life is truly fucking amazing. But the unfortunate or fortunate part is that I already do think that. I know I should be aiming higher.

I shouldn’t just be happy to wake up each morning. I shouldn’t be happy to see whatever the day holds. I shouldn’t accept however my day went and find peace and as much happiness as I can out of that.

Whatever it was.

I’m told, maybe rightfully so, that’s not enough.

So ok…….ummmmmm…….

Ease.

Ease would be fucking amazing. My kids and I healthy and thriving. A truly wonderful man by my side. Financial breathing room to be as generous as I choose to be. And a career that makes me feel alive.

————–

It just feels so strange to live in a world where those things simply aren’t a possibility in a lot of people’s lives. Like worse than the state lottery odds.

And yet I’m told to be positive, to keep working towards it, to keep hope alive, because I guess the odds aren’t as bad for me.

So. Ok.

Sure. I guess……

This is me trying.

—————+

It’s good to catch up. Now that my mother is gone I don’t know that I will come back. It would be wierd. Maybe not as bad as this visit. But just odd I think. But who knows.

I may just keep editing this all night. I think it’s a random sort of evening.

I rented Ghost in a Shell. I like it so far.

——–+

I had the exact same complaint one of my friends just heard voiced form her good male friend. Basically it’s that you know when you get married what you signed up for. Fidelity. Sexual fidelity. Except there should be a clause that there is a bare minimum set by each couple. Like if I don’t get sex for two months (barring any extenuating circumstances) I can source elsewhere. And….and….the partner should be happy to allow me that needed pleasure. Period.

———–

Now in my mind I think my ideal partner would enjoy us playing together with others. Not a full swing lifestyle, but maybe like return characters. It isn’t necessary but I think it would be fun. I don’t think I ever want to stop wanting to go to sex clubs. Other than all the work involved with running a business, a sex club sounds soooo fun to run. I’ve contemplated it.

I think about sex a lot. And I enjoy talking about it. A lot. If I had to choose between philosophy/religion and sex to have a deep at length discussion I can’t say which would win. Depends who I am talking to I guess. Lol

——-

How many times is good?

In a committed relationship I think 1-3 times a week is my desired minimum. Like I can take a shower once a week too but no one would want that. This is the same. I need sex. Why do people not get that? It really is the same. It’s a reset on my body. The pressure build up and pleasure release is exactly what sets me on a good equilibrium. And add in real emotions and love and fuck……. how could I not love sex?

—————-

11:04pm

Here’s my little studio Airbnb. Wish I had someone to snuggle with.

11:08pm

Deleted photo

(No details provided on the deletion.)

———

Life is so strange

Like sometimes I really feel I have a hold of it all and I’m deeply at peace.

And others it’s like I have absolutely no idea about anything at all. And I feel just this kind of frozen awe about it all. Like just mesmerized by the sheer complexity, intricacy and chaos of it all. And I don’t feel as if I could even begin to grasp at what this existence entails.

———

12:47am

It all seems so arbitrary

It’s all so subjective

Ego demands

How happy should I be?

What defines my happiness?

Who?

What possessions?

What lifestyle?

What desires fulfilled?

What needs met?

Because I’m blah blah, from blah blah, of such, from such, with such suchness it’s truly impressive.

So of course I should have all that I want and more than I need, in all aspects.

———–

I just can’t get on board any of those stupid games.

——+

And the worst part is that so many of us carry around some portion of these ego demands; from great to small.

———-

One day I want to live in a less ego driven world. And I’m willing to die on the hill of trying to help turn that wheel.

Trying to live with genuineness. Trying to be heart forward. Trying to be kind.

Trying to remain accepting of my own unique perceived reality as well as open to possibilities that none of this is even real and anything can happen.