They came again

I finally settled into bed about 12:30 last night. The house was quiet. I was doing some deep relaxation techniques: deep mindful breaths, relaxing every part of my body, feeling where any tension was, telling myself “I am safe”… works for me.

When all of a sudden I feel a presence come into the room and settle on the bed next to me. Not a physical presence, the bed didn’t move, but there was no uncertainty about it. I was about to ask them to leave when it occurred to me to check the date. Sure enough the night of the 13th. I laughed a little. You’d think I’d remember by now. It’s only the 3rd month in a row now….but I don’t. If it’s not expressly marked in my agenda it doesn’t get thought of and I haven’t written this down.

My other thought around this is that maybe there may come a day I’m not needed…..maybe? I tend to think not but all the same I did appreciate the subtle and gentle reminder. So I said a prayer and cried, because well…..I’m not sure why. It’s just emotional for me for some reason. I ask for God and whatever lies beyond to open up a passage for these lost souls to whatever their next journey is.

I also said a prayer for those not ready to cross. It’s a bit more in depth and there is a method to my thought process around it and I guess it must work because why else would I be called back to it time and time again.

I’m glad I set the parameter at once a month though. Brad said “these poor souls have to wait a month?” jokingly and I laughed. I said compared to eternity a month is less than a blip. I don’t assume I can help everyone, but my motto has always been if I can truly help just one it will be worth the effort.

I wonder if once I depart this world I’ll get to meet these souls and hear their stories. I’m still a bit closed off from even remotely considering myself a medium, even if I do feel and see their presence sometimes. It isn’t consistent and frankly I have enough to deal with in this tangible world than having to also constantly think about the intangible.

In this life time and kindness are the commodities I am most aware of and value. One runs out and one I must work at never running out; both equally important to my life as a being in this world.

Anyway…. just wanted to share. I don’t expect everyone to understand this. It’s one of those “it is what it is” things and I don’t expect everyone to believe me either. But sometimes the truth isn’t something you can or want to prove to anyone. You just accept it as your own truth and move on. Such is my life. Lol

Enjoy your day!! Raining here. Which I like. I like my world to have texture and nuances. Just one thing over and over is ok too if you absolutely love it, but variation is also pleasant.


Never been proposed to….

I’m obsessed with love…..all of it. Sex isn’t love necessarily, but it can be. Even beyond just making love. Right?


The teenager got a promposal tonight. It was fairly simple but took some planning and effort and was still super cute. Promposals remind me of proposals for obvious reasons but they also invoke a sense of anxiety in me. Anxiety on men’s behalf because….the whole thing just seems like it can be a bit stressful and anxiety for the girls that don’t get to have the experience of being promposed to.

Now I’ve, as of this last year and more, been of the mind that it would be cool being the one doing the proposing and that is the absolute truth but there is still something deeply ingrained in my girl brain that says “but isn’t it romantic?”. There is that part of me that still wants to be proposed to.

I was telling Brad all this tonight via text (showing him the promposal pictures) while I watched Killing Eve, a new show he got me hooked on that I binge watched some of tonight. He said to just wait…..that one may be coming.

I’m absolutely flattered and it does make me happy to think Brad cares for me so much to want to marry me…..if that is indeed what he was hinting at, but I can’t without any doubts in my mind say yes right now. I don’t know if my faith in men or in myself is broken far too much. I don’t know if it’s just that the nature of our relationship is too tumultuous to make me feel certain about a happily ever after. I just don’t know.

So I basically told him as kindly as I could think to…..please don’t propose to me. It’s so odd because I do care for him so deeply and I depend on him so much and I know he depends on me as well.

I guess I was sitting on the couch watching the show all “sad girl” and the teenager wanted to know what was going on and asked specifically about Brad and I felt compelled to tell her what I had told him and she says “of all relationship problems to have that’s not really a bad one”. I guess seen from that perspective she’s not wrong. The pupil may just be smarter than the teacher now….it seems. Good for her.

And who knows…. maybe someday I do get my happily ever after. After all, it doesn’t have to look like a rom-com, or follow any standard protocol, it just has to be authentic and heartfelt and pure and even more so…….I want to be absolutely certain that the road ahead is the one I want to be on. I’m not settling for less. Even if that means never being proposed to….. well… be it.

You know….. maybe I’ve lived all my harrah’s as far as love. Maybe I don’t get to experience all the silly things in life or maybe I orchestrate them myself. Who’s to say really. Right now……..I just need to get my head out of the clouds and concentrate on the task at hand. Shake all the fairy dust up, swirl it madly like a snowglobe and see how it all resettles. The last thing I need to be thinking about right now is a proposal, especially one that hasn’t even happened yet. Right?

Goodnight beautiful rock with all its wild inhabitants. The morning is coming quickly and beauty rest is a much needed thing. Indeed. 💋💋💋


The more I think about it……

I enjoy dating. I enjoy meeting people and I have only ever had one “bad” date and that because he was clearly on drugs or had severe ADHD. Even then he wasn’t horrible or unbearable and it’s always interesting talking to people and seeing where they are in life.

Which brings me back to Brad. He’s been gone for two weeks now. We seem to be talking and texting less especially now that we aren’t doing phone sex anymore, per my mental health professional. I thought it was a good call. We’ll see if I can keep heeding it.

I was reading an article last night about how women can’t compete with men in one simple area in the work place……time. Mostly because women who have families are generally still the ones doing most of the errands, household chores and child rearing. The article went to explain that most women justify this to themselves by saying that their men do some things and it could be worse. Joy! 🙄

Statistically men do, at most, about 35% of the workload. At 30% men feel they are doing equal. So that extra five percent is for the real go-getters I guess. Lol. Now granted I do all the work around here and the house is always a mess. But I can keep my studio pretty immaculate and I’m happy with that. I’ve only got so many hours and so much energy and chores are not very high on my must do list. They just aren’t and they will never be; not as long as I have kiddos home at least.

All this to say I don’t know that I will get married again. Let’s step ahead even. Let’s say….I am financially solvent, single and have the time to date. I just don’t see it anymore realistically. It took me a long time…… years to have a boyfriend and as much as it is great sometimes….. I can’t see it going into marriage. I just can’t.

But………. I’ve got too much going on right now to even consider dating again. And I do have Brad, and even if we downgrade our thing to just friends with benefits then that will still be really good. I’m not even trying to think that far ahead anymore. I’m not sure what the future holds. Right now more than anything I just need stability for myself and my kiddo’s. That’s my only focus right now and also trying to maintain my sanity amidst all the stresses of life.

I was also reading an article where Warren Buffett says that he affirms that the number one attribute needed in life is ethics/integrity. I absolutely agree, but is it easier or harder when you’re rich? My mother said to me to consider prostitution if I had to. I laughed….. I’m not sure why. I know she meant it. It’s just that I never expected her to say that I guess. Prostitution isn’t my thing. I would go pro-domme way before that.

But I think for now I want to concentrate on my spiritual training more. I’m hoping that laser reiki class starts this summer. I had really been looking forward to that and I’m super bummed it got delayed. There are a lot of “healers” already available in the area, and in the world I think. So I have to figure out for myself what I bring to the table. Right now results aren’t consistent, which again probably has more to do with what is ordained…. than with me, but how can I charge for something I’m not sure I can deliver. Sometimes it’s gang-buster’s and sometimes it’s lackluster. Although to be fair in the cases I can’t seem to help people they also don’t seem to really want my help…..deep down. 🤷🏽‍♀️

You know…..I’m half way through my life…..if I’m that lucky, and I still feel I have soo much to learn, to see, to experience.

I have an interview today for a part time sales job. If it’s not something wretched then I can probably sell it. I’m more worried about the sales tactics. If I can be left alone to meet my quota once I’m trained I should do fine. I think tomorrow’s interview will be better. It’s for Wyndham and while I don’t have a timeshare I do love them. Frankly though I hate peddling shit, but sales is the one of the few jobs that pays well part-time and isn’t physically demanding. Mental challenges I can handle. I’m also applying for some part-time secretarial jobs but you’re hard pressed to find them at the pay scale I need and there are no additional incentives or bonuses as there are with sales.

Then I have 5 clients booked this week already and one health expo. I also want to keep working my gym routine in. It helps my peace of mind a lot. Even if it hasn’t affected the scale as of yet. Ok. So that was my long life wrap-up. It’s Monday. Go team go!!! Let’s do this!!

Happy Monday! 🙂💖💋🙏🏽🌞🤗🌈🥰

Happy Mother’s Day

We finally sauntered out of the house at 11am today. A bit later than I had hoped for but not a problem. Even the traffic and freeway closure due to a severe accident didn’t set us back. We arrived at the beach at about 1pm. Our original destination was Cannon Beach, but on a whim we ended up at Indian Beach. A hilly state park between Cannon Beach and Seaside.

It was better than I could have ever expected: not a lot of people, pristine beach, great weather and gorgeous scenery. We lit a bonfire as soon as we got there and flew the rainbow kite we brought. We had snacks. The girls played in the water and checked out the rocks and anemone in the tide pools. It was relaxing. Except for the drive back. I wish I had a driver or partner. The teenager had been out late and was too tired to drive.

We stopped at Spaghetti Factory on the drive back too. I ate way too much and while it’s reeking havoc on my digestion it was well worth it. It’s not often I indulge like this. A whole weekend of doing as I pleased….pretty much. If only life was always so grand. I can’t imagine any other Mother’s Day topping this one except maybe one filled with beautiful, healthy little grandbabies eager to share lots of love with Grandma. Now that wouldn’t be so bad either….I’m thinking. But let’s let that please be a long way off. Lol

Another highlight was that someone was giving away matching Schwinn beach cruisers…..they need a little work. A few rusted parts, but mechanically sound and with great paint, plus retrofitted with gears and in my favorite red color. Can’t beat that now can you?

Hope anyone reading this that’s a mom had a great Mother’s Day too. I woke up actually very sensitive and teary eyed remembering the mothers day I spent alone not that long ago. It’s too sad to retell now and I’m way too tired. They definitely can’t all be stellar. But here’s to hoping they only get better and better. Right?


Learning curve

So I learned about new porn: massage porn and nudist beach porn. Plus I googled hot movie sex scene compilations. Nothing popped up that I liked but that seems worthwhile. And I have not given up hope of finding “making love” porn.

Do I still like my stand-bys? Yes. I do. But I’m learning to diversify and add to my repertoire. I’m learning I get to choose my sexuality and there are so many things to like and enjoy in this world, let alone all the things people don’t typically associate with sexual pleasure that can still be so.


Today I only got dressed at 5pm and even then it was only to put on pajamas, I even napped which I never do. I also watched an entire adult movie with only a few “mama” interruptions. I ate french fries and chocolate and had a decent singular orgasm. All in all, minus the regret and morning hangover, it was an awesome and totally lazy day.

This mother’s day weekend……the first time I’ve ever extended it into a full weekend is turning out pretty darn good……so far. Plans for tomorrow are already in place. I’ll include a few pictures in tomorrow’s post if all goes according to plans. Goodnight world.


Petting the pussy

This afternoon I laid in bed and just pet the pussy for half an hour. Of all the mammals in the house she is the least likely to get attention. She is skittish and shy but so sweet. At first she was so eager to be pet. Nudging her head into my hand over and over. Then she started kneading my arm while she lay soaking up all the attention and loving, soft touch. Then at about the 20 minute mark she fell asleep.

Poor thing. I know what it’s like to feel neglected. Don’t we all? Do we ever really get out fill? Especially when someone’s love makes us feel over the top special and adored. Don’t you just want more and more? Or is that just me? Lol

The ex is taking the kiddos to his pool tonight since he won’t see them tomorrow. So I’ll have a chance to pet my real pussy then. I said I’d be abstinent, but who are we kidding? Plus. This is a scientific experiment as well. I need to see what turns me on from scratch. Is it porn? Is it romance? It it visions I can create in my head? Or ones I want to see on the screen? Is it love making? So many genres. It may have to be a marathon. Charts and graphs, point plotting probably. Lol

Mother’s day weekend extravaganza continues………..

Go out and enjoy some fresh air if you can. Me, my vibrator and a box of chocolates got a hot date in a bit; but right this moment the kids are getting me McDonald’s fries. Some days I love being me.


mom’s day

Today is mother’s day in Latin America. The 10th of May, no matter when it falls. So of course my mother called and texted me.

Now, 1am, I somehow managed to get all there girls to sleep together tonight. That means that I get my entire king size bed to myself all night. They will soothe and keep each other company and I get to enjoy one night of knowing I have my own bed all to myself all night. This is truly monumental.

I do not take it lightly. I will enjoy sprawling out in my own bed. Not worrying about leaving space for the toddler or if the sick one wants to climb into bed or if the teenager has a nightmare. Nope. It’s all covered.

Tonight I get my bed ALL to myself. It’s such an odd feeling I’m not sure what to make of it.

I’m going to sprawl as wide as I can. Take a heavy dose of THC and sleep in until the kids start to scream at me.

Mother’s day here I come!!!!!!