Cross Dressing

Today I spent part of the day texting Paul/Paula. He is a guy I met on Fetlife. He lives nowhere near me which I considered a boon. He seemed real and vulnerable and open. All qualities I adore.

He sent me picture upon picture of him dressed as a woman and being pegged and having a red, raw ass from being punished. It was all rather enthralling. I’ve never been with a man who cross dressed…that I’m aware of. That would add a whole new dimension to sex. One that had honestly never crossed my mind. He is straight or cis or only fucks women (however you want to call it).

He is a very attractive woman with a very nice ass and wigs I would love to borrow. He sent me a picture of his ex wearing a strap-on and she was grabbing her “dick” as a man would; as if she owned it and was about ready to do something meaningful with it. It was hot. So hot!!! Like salivatingly hot!! And I realize how much I miss sex and specifically “deviant” sex and I pictured the last man I pegged beneath me and couldn’t help but ache a little.

So Paul/Paula says to me to get some. I could. Maybe I should…but I won’t. It’s the cart before the horse thing. I want love. However, I also want to delve into this Domme thing a bit more seriously. So I will check out a few dominant munches and buy a few books, maybe even entertain a submissive for practice as needed. Maybe…maybe. It’s food for thought and today I’ve had a lot of thought.

Kiss, kiss, bang, bang. ⛓💋⛓💋

Addictions & Deviancy

I have an addictive personality. I’ve known this about myself since I was very young. It is why I avoid certain people, situations and experiences. I have known even from a young age that there are some experiences you just don’t come back from and I have had to be extra cautious because I can get carried away all too easily.

I (generally) self manage this by focusing on positive behaviors that I allow myself to be mildly addicted to; like exercise, my children, healthy eating, healthy pastimes, etc. Sometimes I still fall down the rabbit hole. Thankfully I’ve always managed to self correct before causing any real lasting long term damage.

I remember the first and only time I tried crack cocaine. I was 15. A 19 year old drug dealing friend who I knew had a major crush on me offered it to me. I was pretty sure he had ulterior motives but I had nothing better to do. To say I lacked adequate adult supervision and support would have been a gross understatement.

So we went back to the tiny, empty apartment I shared with my dad, his girlfriend and her daughter and he prepared the concoction using coke and simple household products he found there. The minute the drug hit my body I felt a euphoria unlike anything ever before. I vividly remember staring at the sky thinking that nothing ever would match this high again. It faded so fast and he immediately offered me more at his place.

I had been there dozens of times before but this was somehow different. I looked at him and he looked nefarious. I smiled pleasantly at him and said something to the effects of

“thanks but I am never touching that drug again”

and I never have. I remember the look on his face. His jaw literally dropped and he said nothing, but from that day on he treated me with a lot more respect than he offered any of the other teenagers that surrounded him.

What am I getting at?

There are tons of things in life that one can’t walk back from…or you can but the climb back is so slippery and hard that it takes a fucking miracle and a shitload of hard work to do it. I’ll refer you back to a different blog I write but basically I’m lazy. So lazy… and creating that much work for myself seems retarded.

Deviancy to me seems like a very slippery slide. Fun…sure, sure…but slippery.

And I like normal fun. I really do. I can be just as happy playing bingo with a gaggle of Bitties as I can be flaunting my wares at the sex club. I don’t NEED deviancy. I’ve talked to several people now that have told me that they need it. That once they turned away from “normal” sexual behavior they can no longer go back. That to me screams “red flag!” and I just don’t want that.

I don’t want anything or anyone to have control over me and my happiness. I don’t want to have to depend on anything or anyone to have to get off…I’m still trying to mitigate this vibrator dependency.

Bottom line is that once deviancy passes the fun zone into obsessive and necessary behavior it is no longer just fun. So…I am proceeding cautiously and with eyes wide open. I want taking part of this lifestyle to augment my life. But I want to dip my feet into all life has to offer, not just deviancy. As long as I don’t fall down any rabbit holes I can’t get out of it will all be fine. But I recognize deviancy is a big giant rabbit hole, so I am securing my harnesses before I take any deep plunges.

🤢 My Stomach Hurts

Do men have food issues?

When I get overwhelmed with life food is the way for me to control and/or deal with it.

I know I am beyond distraught and that my emotions are near overload capacity if I can not eat. That’s my cue to take it easy because any decision I make at this point will be a bad one. In this case my emotions are almost comatose and I am just getting by in a daze. When this occurs eating simply doesn’t happen. The mere thought of food makes me feel nauseous. Thankfully this is a rare occurrence.

I’m more prone to the other extreme where my emotions are raw and I’m barely able to manage them and eating is not only a deep comfort but also a way to try to bury the emotions I can’t seem to deal with.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. I’ve never heard a guy say “I binge ate bad yesterday”. Lol but who knows, I’m sure those guys exist. I tend to think that the majority of men probably bury their emotions into drugs, alcohol, work or some other distraction though and not typically food.

Regardless…

I can barely move right now. I must have ate my weight in sugar and junk food today. Uugggh.

I’m going to go sleep it off. Night ya’ll. 💋

Micro-aggressions my ass!!

In regards to flirting being a micro-aggression when one is in a committed relationship. Seriously?

Okay we are way too PC in this society sometimes. Personally for me it goes like this:

I want to be your one and only and you to be mine but I will have intimate relationships with other men and women. They are called friendships. They are called shared life experiences; sometimes you have no choice in the matter.

I will not be having sex with these people unless that is our lifestyle and you are present to watch and participate and approve. I guard your heart as my own and you have to trust me as I trust you and as I guard your heart too. That’s what my love is about. Let me be free; I will fly back to you every time and I expect the same in return.

If you don’t have this then you don’t have real love; you have a person in captivity.

Now if said person wants to give you their complete emotional fidelity…hey more power to them. It’s not the way I want to live my life but who says there is only one right way? So please get your judgement and micro-aggression analytics away from my love life.

Fetlife

Where have you been all my life. To think I’ve been signed on for 8 months and just now gotten my feet wet. All the fun I’ve missed out on.

Me and my little Domme self are going to go explore all the munches we can. Maybe I should find myself a submissive to play with. That might cheer me up. Lol

Weird Head Space

Frantic is all I can call it. If it wasn’t for pot and interval training I’m not sure how I would be handling all this. I’m not not having fun; it’s just not been easy. Don’t get me wrong though. This isn’t exactly tons of fun either. I’m just one of those people determined to make the most out of any situation. Call it bull headed tenacity. Sex would be helpful to alleviate the stress-load, add levity and feel those awesomely yummy serotonins. But alas….me and my hiatus.

Not that the text I sent last weeks lover deterred him one bit from contacting me again. If he had sent flowers as suggested maybe I would have thrown it his way again; but I have zero incentive right now either way.

I probably sound like a huge bitch with all these blogs. It’s so hard for me to tell how I come off sometimes. I really am not. I sometimes have high defenses up, but only because I haven’t had things easy my entire life. Not any one time that I can remember. When one aspect of my life was great others always faltered. I suppose such is life. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m doing the best I can here…and that counts for something; to me at least.

I ordered some fun sex games and toys for the red room which I think will actually be slate grey with red furniture and decorations. I can’t get too carried away with my expenditures. I do have 3 reservations though. So there is that.

Losing my kids and gaining a red room. Those are not equal. I’ll take my kids over a million red rooms but that isn’t my call to make right now. Homelessness helps no one. So. Enjoying the things I do have. Nothing else to do. Right? Maybe I’ll get a chance to use the room too…if I find the right person.

Alter Ego

What is it about Portland? So much to love. The ease of being anybody you want to be is definitely a draw for me, especially because I love to play.

My “sexpot” alter ego has developed into a very distinct persona of her own and I am deeply enjoying where this is going. I want to really develop my natural dominant tendencies. I also want to (eventually) give myself completely over to my lover: body, mind, heart, soul…and I hope that involves bondage; at the very least. 😉

It’s very liberating to completely own my own sexuality. I wish everyone could be so empowered. It should be that way. I hope one day it will be that way for all: gay, cis, trans, and all the variations possible.

Consenting adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want to. If you aren’t breaking vows to someone; be they celestial or worldly beings…go for it. If you aren’t manipulating, deceiving, inebriating, cajoling, demanding, and/or forcing another party…. well… hey… spectacular.

Go get it!!!

Because sex is fun and it’s good for you and it feels damn awesome too.

It’s funny to be so impassioned about something I’m not partaking in. Just gotta roll my eyes at the absurdity really. I have my mind set on the best prize there is though…he just isn’t here yet. I can be patient. I think. Lol

How about this for the red room? Not sure how hard or expensive this will be to build. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Anyone handy with tools?