No frogs live here

I lived in the dessert for a few years; the California dessert…. Riverside county to be exact. We had a small stream near our house and we would visit it often and we were so delighted by the frogs always in some state of being. I enjoyed listening to them out the window at night. Frogs are such an important barometer for an ecosystem.

So knowing that the streams where I live now are 75-90 times the EPA guidelines for pesticide contamination clearly explains why we have no frogs here. They can’t survive in the heavily pesticide laden waters. What can? These poor animals that surround us have no choice but to drink the water we lace with round-up and moss killer and on and on.

I was told there were fish in these streams not even that long ago. I haven’t seen all the streams and all the natural water ways here, but in my almost 5 years here I have yet to see or hear a single frog. And for what? For the luxury of golf course lawn? If we can’t figure out how to live cohesively with mother nature and it’s stock then of what use are we? Why wouldn’t mother nature want to get rid of us? Aren’t we the most destructive things on this planet besides natural disasters and even they at least have a way of resetting the balance of nature.

I see birds come and eat seeds and worms from my grass and I see the bees visiting the flowers and weeds in my yard and I thank them for visiting as I’m sure they would thank me for not spraying pesticides. I want to plant things that will attract butterflies. I can count on one hand how few of those I’ve seen in Oregon too. But that’s a project for a other day.

I think tomorrow morning I’ll grab the kids, gloves and a few trash bags and we will canvas the few blocks around our house for trash. I’m tired of just talking the talk. If I want to really make any kind of difference here I’ve got to walk the walk…..and dammit….that’s what I am going to do.

Rancid Little Mood

Ok. The fact that I’ve been sick for days and the kids have been sick for a bit and I had to cancel a few clients this week and the only person I can call is my ex-husband to help. Well…….

Then add that I’m feeling a bit sad about Brad and I can’t wrap my head around my last existential conundrum to even know where to begin to look at that one. I’m frustrated!!!

I was thinking of the last 7 months with Brad and how we had some really great times and shared touching moments and laughter and some fabulous kinky adventures. I miss the comfort of his love. But…….. was it a waste of time?

I was also thinking back to Aaron. When we met he was half way through his bachelors degree and I was just starting an errand business. Needless to say the business went out the window in favor of a 9-5 job at his suggestion. Then I was moving in and paying all the bills except rent which his mom paid. The plan became for him to finish school and then for me to stop working and go back to school full-time. We never got there. He graduated and we broke up. He had bigger and better things in mind and I was no longer in that plan. To no one’s surprise but mine. It probably wasn’t so cut and dry but it certainly felt that way then.

I guess when I gave Brad the ultimatum recently “either help me financially or get out of my way”. It was my fault really that I got into that situation. I spent all the time I could with him and while I didn’t neglect my kids or my businesses, I also didn’t move forward with the projects and networking and things I had intended. Because there are only so many hours in a day and only so much energy I can expend.

This getting sick thing has forced me to unwind and reflect. Maybe its just me also going through the normal stages of a break up. I haven’t reached out. He hasn’t reached out. I think it’s fair to say neither one of us was really wanting to commit wholeheartedly to this adventure. Neither of us was wanting to give it everything. It seemed we had been growing farther and farther apart emotionally with each break-up.

It’s fine. I really don’t feel like rehashing the whole thing. Plus there are always more factors than one realizes going on in these situations. Things I can’t even begin to grasp that were at play. So as much as I want to try to understand it all, the best I can do is understand my own part in the scene.

I understand I am still very scared to have men around my kids. I understand my pluses and minuses. I am no where near perfect…….but for one man….I still harbor hope that I am all he has ever wanted and more…..and vice-versa of course. When and if it happens…it happens. Guess I have time to go the gym now, once my health pops back. That’s a plus! That will definitely help my mood too. win/win

🥰💖🌷🙏🏽🤗

Green Paradise – naptime

That’s the name of the show I’m binge watching while I let myself eat a single small slice of real gluten and real cheese and nitrate/nitrite full pepperoni. Yum! I’m savoring every single bite.

Still wheezing, groggy, runny nose, eyes watering, you know. That thing people call sick. Yeah. Still that. But I’m watching this show telling myself how I have to see these places. The world is a beautiful place. Majestic. Glorious.

So this sick thing has got to end. Vitality. Strength. Health. Happiness.

Right? Right! But first a nap seems to be in order. Damn gluten!!! Guess it’s a good thing. I’m not really a nap person but I could use the rest now. Maybe a second slice may be in order. Nah…..eyes getting heavy. Palau looks so beautiful. I want to learn to snorkel. Not today though. Nighty-night.

Disengage from the world /last anti-vax rant

It doesn’t help that I’m sick of course

But I feel like completely disengaging from the world right now.

It doesn’t help that I’m a bit heartbroken about the break-up with Brad

It doesn’t help that all the girls are sick too

And it definitely doesn’t help that I’m out of pot

Ugghhhhhhh

I was so tempted to text him

And say what?

“I’m sick, come hug me and bring me food and pot…please”. Lol. Nah. Just drive the boi crazy.

The teenager is getting Five Guys. I think I’ll take a long hot bubble bath. Nothing french fries and a hot soak can’t make better. A little better.

I think I’ll hole myself up all weekend and figure out why I can’t cure myself.

—–

I read a post on my Google feed. It was horrible. I know news is suppose to be quasi-factual but this report was just a capture of a Reddit post against anti-vaxxers. So I commented. I was the first person to comment against vaccines and of course everyone came after me as if I was trying to kill their puppies. I can’t keep fighting this fight.

It reminds me of our first stint in Iraq. I was so adamantly opposed that when we invaded Afghanistan I could barely muster the desire to care. I just gave up. It seemed so pointless. I care. I obviously care but no one wants to listen. We’ve become a world of “I’m right and your wrong and nothing will change my mind”.

In truth I am absolutely not opposed to vaccines; not at all. I’m just calling for some common sense and sensibility. We can’t go from my parents generation of only 8 vaccines to mine of about 30 to my kids of over 70. Take out all the junk, and carcinogens in them. Schedule them based on the child’s own unique health history, age, weight, etc., separate them so they aren’t given so many at one time (especially the MMR), and don’t take away people’s right to sue if they have adverse affects. Plus don’t pit doctors against patients in this dogma of “greater good” where NO ONE takes any blame, fault or responsibility when a child does get injured and or dies from them.

Once they fix the (money grab) system I’ll be more on board. But no use…..no use trying to educate people when the mainstream media is on the pharmaceutical payroll. It made me wonder today if all that backlash against Facebook and Amazon has anything to do with the fact that now all of a sudden, quite simultaneously they both are taking all anti-vax info off of their sites.

Freedom of speech is no longer true when governments and corporations conspire to keep people shackled to the regulations and agendas they want to pursue and censor information. One day it won’t be vaccines. This is just proving the power these entities have. The rhetoric has gotten so bad and these people they have zero ethics….zero.

I’m really giving up. I’m considering this fight dead. Corporations win. Pharmaceutical companies win. Government wins. The people……lol. No one cares……..we aren’t people to these entities. We are pocket books at best and expendable nuisances at worst.

Freedom is no longer truly possible in this world. Only freedom within. Thankfully that’s still available and I’ll have to settle for that.

And as far as those greedy fucks go. I’m going to tell them the exact same thing I tell those people that send scam emails and texts:

“There is a very special place in hell for you. I’ve been there so I can tell you that from experience. Life is very short, but a second in hell is an eternity. Good luck with that…asshole(s). Lol”

Karma is good, but honestly knowing they’re going to hell is even better. I should feel compassion. They’ve lost their soul. They’ve lost their way. They’re just stuck in a wonky world doing the best they can. Uhu. Yeah. No!! Most of these fucks know exactly what they are doing. Hey. I didn’t invent this system. Doesn’t mean I can’t be glad it exists.

I have compassion…..I just exercise it wisely. On some people it seems completely wasted. Sorry.

Aries

I can’t believe I’m almost 46. I had very few aspirations in life and I managed to fulfill all of one (so far); having kids. Probably also to be noted as the easiest one to create, for all of however many minutes that lasted. Lol. JK

I’m ok with being older actually. I still want to get a good exercise routine started, but barring that and figuring out my finances I’m pretty happy with myself and my life. Could things be better? Always. But this is me focusing on the positive. Age. Schmage. I think it’s always about perspective. I ain’t done here….yet.

😉💖🥰

I’m not a closer

Being a business owner makes you acutely aware of where your successes and weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is most definitely sales. While I test well at it*, I am not a closer. Even if I am passionate about what I am doing and believe in it 200% I’m just not a pushy person. I prefer people come to me of their own volition.

Today I got a call for eBay work. They had a few questions and we left it open ended. I didn’t ask them anything or offer more. I didn’t ask them to meet. It was a quick, pleasant exchange of the information they requested and once I hung up I realized I could have pursued it more. It seems as if I should feel bad, as if I should strive for more and yet I don’t.

Closing to me feels completely unnatural and no matter how many times it’s been explained to me it’s never been explained in a way I can understand, grasp and apply.

We all have forte’s. Maybe if that were mine I wouldn’t be struggling so much. Maybe, maybe, maybe…..in this case it’s closer to probably. I was talking to a fellow colon hydrotherapist and she told me she takes her agenda book everywhere and when she gives a digestive talk she books at least one person. I have never done that, not once. I wouldn’t even know how unless they specifically asked me for a booking.

I’ve succeeded at businesses and school and work but not once based on having to be a closer. I flourished just based on being me. Hoping that works for me now or I’m gonna need some help.

—–

Watching a movie called Temple Grandin with Claire Danes and I can relate to how she feels and what she says and even how she thinks**. It’s about an autistic women and based on a true story. I’m not gonna say it……not gonna say anything at all. But it doesn’t make me question things about my childhood and myself a little more.

I’m going to keep resting up for the next few hours see if I can get this head cold to clear a bit for my next client.

Tally-ho

———-

*Which is how I got offered a job as a car salesman twice; neither of which I took and I’m kind of regretting that right now. I probably could have learned some useful skills there.

**A little. I am definitely not that smart.

Was it heaven?

I was thinking last night after trying to muscle through that movie that they made one good point I hadn’t thought of or questioned in terms of my experiences. The all, is not built on duality. Hell is based on the duality of evil and heaven should be based on the duality of goodness. I just assumed it was heaven I visited and over time I’ve heard of people that have died and crossed over only to be brought back and their visions sound very similar to mine.

It felt like the all. I’ve explained this all before in another post so I won’t rehash it too much. But could there be something even better than I witnessed?

It seems so impossible to me, but that’s not a word I generally like to use. But to think of it kind of sends shivers down my back. If I could convey to you the beauty of heaven or whatever I saw you might understand why thinking that something better and more expansive than infinite connectiveness, all knowing, all being, all time, all space, no division, just deep pulsating belonging. A feeling a million times better than what we consider love and happiness. To think there is better than that almost leaves me speechless and on the verge of tears. It’s just something at present I can’t even begin to imagine. To see or comprehend or feel what that might be would be an awe without words.

———

I was asking for more signs last night. More signs for how to access healing better. Why can’t I not get sick? Why can I sometimes help and others not my children? Where is that magic switch? Is there one? Why do physical maladies always seem to plague me when I am on spiritual journeys? I’m sure there is a reason, something I’m not seeing.

Then this morning I came to start up the studio for an early morning client. My head a bit foggy, my sinuses mucousy, and as I walk in the light to the treatment room is on and I never leave it on. Except it had been bright during the day when I cleaned so I’m sure I did. But at that moment it was one of those “aha” things, where I knew that was a clear sign. That was my way.

Hey….I’m not trying to make sense of the how or why really, I just want to get to the heart of this. If I had to figure it all out without being able to skip some steps and showing my work I’d drive myself crazy. I always hated showing work in school. I never got why I had to. I always got the answers right. If anything it just made me mad having to backtrack and slow down my processes to convey how I did it mentally…. on paper, since I could think a hundred time faster than I could write, it seemed. I’m definitely not that whipper smart academically anymore. But good thing the kids are. Lol

It is the reason why I prefer reading to videos. I can read sooooo much faster than people can talk. Sometimes when I’m trying to absorb a video or live subject matter of not much difficulty I actually have to multi-task to fill in the voids in my thoughts or it starts to feel like torture. Reading being self paced doesn’t do that to me. Thankfully or I’d probably be dumb as a doorknob if I didn’t enjoy reading as much as I do. Lol. Who knows.

—–

I’ve been saying this thing to myself lately just to make myself feel better.

Goodness-Godness-Greatness

That is the order. That is always the order. Don’t ask me why but that order feels right, as if I was already telling myself there is something beyond. It seems blasphemous though to say it out loud. That which I believe with my entire being and now I’m questioning it. It’s heresy is what it is and yet it feels right.