No Sex? Yeah right!

Ok. Let’s not get all crazy and think my blog will revert to only posts about colonics and religion. God that would be boring.

I’m guessing I’ll find a lover….. eventually….to help pass the time until I can figure out what the hell I’m doing in life. Abstinence is so not my thing. I’m horny now. Lol. But I’m also not in a hurry…..

I’m feeling very serendipitous. When it comes it will come. There is no rush. Not like I’ve never had it before. Not like I can’t go a while without it. Not like sex clubs don’t exist where I can at least voyeur when I feel compelled to and dress up as sexy and slutty as I please.

Life is good!!

Yep, yep. Not giving it another option. Nope! No other options will be allowed or considered at this time. Thank you!

Wishing you a no option but good day!

😂🙏🏽🌈💖🥰

Emotions are like waves

They just keep coming.

Brad and I had a hard break last night. I was struggling even before this happened, but now….

I’m feeling discombobulated. All this stress and all these lessons are coming too fast and furious.

I need to allow for more ease. I’m feeling emotionally unstable and it’s all I can do to contain myself right now. I need to get to a place where I am emotionally ok regardless of what is happening outside of myself. Now is the time. I have to start seeking out healthy solutions. I have to reach into myself and reach out into the universe to call on the strength I need right now. I have to believe it’s there, available for me whenever I am struggling….like this.

——–

I’m not sure how realistic it is to think I’ll find a man that will love and appreciate my children, treating them respectfully and kindly. I was on high vigilance with Brad around my kids because he is the first man I’ve brought around them. One of them didn’t care for him truth be told* and last night he said something to the effect of “I like them now but they aren’t teenagers yet, who knows if I will like them at 13, we’ll have to see.”. He said this in complete seriousness.

Now I recognize that he has been down this road before with his ex; who’s daughter he helped raised. Maybe he has fallout from that but I didn’t want these circumstances in my life. I didn’t ask for all this entanglement. Those kiddos are my life and any man that can’t love them or at the very least tolerate and treat them well isn’t the guy for me. Period. This sealed the nail on that coffin pretty tightly for me.

Maybe I’m not meant to marry again, that’s a possibility, right? Maybe right now I have bigger fish to fry. I need to concentrate on me……the sexual tension will now have to be relieved through exercise….which is fine. My ass needs the toning anyway. I have a few months left of my gym membership. Better get to using it. I need to turn myself back into a morning person and stop staying up until the wee hours. Maybe force myself to head to the gym first thing or do yoga at home or something. No exercise just ain’t cutting it. My mental health is at stake here….. especially now. Most especially now.

But I also need to pray more and allow for more space and healing of my own life. I’m going to give my house a deep blessing tomorrow. Calling on angels. Recruitment in process. Stand guard my beloveds…..for me please.

Here’s another prayer I learned today.

I’m sorry

Forgive me

Thank you

I love you

Say it to yourself. Say it to someone to bless them. Say it to someone you want to forgive or forget. Say it to the world. Let’s let the healing of the entire world….of every single one of us truly begin. Shall we?

——-

*But this was a combination I think of her having a very strong allegiance to her father and also as she told me “is it going to last? Will you get married and then get divorced?” (Ouch) She can’t bare the thought of getting attached to someone and having them leave. She is such a tender hearted child. She is so unique that one. Obviously we all are, but she radiates at a bit higher level is all. More authentic and cerebral and soul sensitive. Like everything and everyone all with it’s own unique set of pluses and minuses.

They said something interesting in the class. ‘You’ve been being yourself…. who you were suppose to be” and fortunately we can improve on that and find true happiness if we wanted to by opening our awareness of who we truly are and finding our own unique path within this world. Simple yet…….

(Back to the story)

——-

Boy I absolutely love this uplifting and funny and cute and makes you want to laugh and maybe even cry kind of stuff. It makes my heart feel so good.

Asking life for health, wealth, freedom & fun

A simple reiki prayer I learned today. One of several.

I loved the class…the teachers were a hoot. Talk about conspiracy theory advocates. Wow!! But I’m all for it. I’d rather live in a world where people question authority than in a world that blindly follows it.

I have to start muscle testing. I’ve tried it several times but now I have to really just do it. I have to learn to start trusting myself and I have to trust that God has my back all the way.

Ease

Ease

Ease

“Thank you God for the continuing and expanding ease with all that life presents.”

Teenage Wasteland*

I saw this hanging on the wall at the high school. Several pieces of work were beneath a plexiglass screen. This one spoke to me the most. Unsigned. A shame, but I get it.

*I just like the song. The Robotics club used it as their end of year song and it stuck with me. Hadn’t heard it since my own youth. But the prose went untitled so I just put the first thing that came to mind. No insults or agenda.

All about me / lying pays

Did a soft break with Brad yesterday. I swear….at this point it’s getting pretty ridiculous. It was his birthday so I broke a rule and left the kids on a school night to canoodle with the boi. We were laying down and out of the blue I just could not breath. Try as I might to stave it off mentally I was feeling absolutely wretched and ended up having to use my inhaler and just go to sleep.

In the midst of all this he says to me “you took on my COPD, I feel great. I didn’t think it transferred so quickly.”. Maybe had I not been in the throws of hyperventilating I would have taken note of that better. I didn’t even know he had COPD prior to that and we didn’t end up getting back to that conversation. Right now it’s just an interesting or disturbing side point. However you want to see it I guess.

I was confused and conflicted this morning about the break and my tea set me straight.

Basically how I feel right now, at this point in my life is that if I’m going to go through the troubles of being in a relationship I want it to revolve around me. Selfish? Sure. I suppose so. I can admit it. But that is exactly what I want. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I bring and what I give when I love and frankly at this point I need to know…..my heart will be taken care of.

I said to him yesterday “I want to be married again and I need financial stability”. Maybe that’s too much to put on someone but this is the situation we find ourselves in. Me in mine, he in his. I did not create this dilemma. He says to me in his hotheaded way “you are trying to make me miserable” as if that was my intention by saying that. I was merely sharing my own fears and needs and asking to have them addressed or soothed. We didn’t speak for at least 20 minutes after that, which is the time he needed to redirect his rage and address my concerns but the damage was done. I saw clearly that his first reaction was all about him. His needs. His ego. His desires. His emotions.

Should it matter to me that I know he is emotionally inmature? Should it matter to me that I love him? Maybe….but it doesn’t. I want to be first. I want to know that in his heart my needs supercede his and this obviously isn’t the case. I’m really not asking him to change for me. At this point I’m not sure what I want or need from him anymore. I guess more than anything right now I want space….which he is giving me thankfully.

——-

I’ve written about this before but there was a study done at the collegiate level where they asked graduates what the most valuable lesson they learned was. I’m assuming (although it’s been a while and I’ve forgotten) it was multiple choice as the vast majority of the participants said that they learned that “lying pays”. Sad but absolutely believable unfortunately.

I got reminded of this last night while reading a BuzzFeed article entitled “what’s the worst lie you told for personal gain” and boy were they doozies. It struck me as odd how many people lied to gain the hand/love of another person. This should be of no surprise to me as I’m almost positive my ex purposely impregnated me knowing I would marry him, but let’s let that past die.

—+-+—

An eBay client recently told me how glad he was to have found me. I’m always pleasantly surprised when people trust me, because I know not trusting seems to be the default we are heading towards. I told him “I like to sleep well at night and I also like treating people as I like to be treated” and it really is as simple as that.

Which reminds me. Before I get to his things I have to list some clothes that another client gave me that I’ve had since before Christmas. They aren’t valued at much, they probably won’t even sell, but I made a promise I have not kept and it needs to be done. Waste of time or not. It’s what needs to happen. But not today. That little munchkin with the bad immune system still has a tummy ache. She’ll be fine.

I wish she would let me give her medicine but she’s as stubborn as a 3 legged mule being led up a steep hill. So I just have to wait it out for her system to heal itself. One day she’ll appreciate that I know a thing or two….but for now I’ll just keep doing some healing on her. That always seems to help fortunately and it makes me feel a bit less helpless. Nothing like raising kids to put you in your place sometimes. Lol

Wishing you a day of knowing and loving the place you are in. Wherever that is. 💖🙏🏽🙂❄️

Marriage Dreams

I was not a typical little girl. I was a tomboy at best, a loner at worst. I was an only child and while for most children that involves luxuries and unlimited attention to me it involved endless boredom and a lot of time alone.

You’d think in all that time I would have dreamt of white weddings and babies. But no, I didn’t; ever. Not once that I can remember did I ever imagine what I would wear, or the venue or the guest count of a wedding day. I did imagine family life. I imagined a love like no other. The wedding day itself felt irrelevant to me and like an extravagant dream I didn’t feel compelled to have.

It was about 8 years into my marriage when I realized I wanted to feel that excitement. I wanted to enjoy the splendor of planning and celebrating a day of true love. I never had or felt that the first time around. I didn’t even want a ceremony or reception. I only very begrudgingly agreed solely on the conditions that it stay within our immediate budget and I didn’t have to plan a thing. And so we got married for $6k for 105 guest count with my dad paying one third and the rehearsal dinner and his mom basically planning the entire thing.

Then the divorce came and the last thing on my mind was another marriage….and yet now…. well….it seems a silly dream for a woman my age to have. Doesn’t it? And yet I do. Now however that “til death do us part” and “in sickness and in health” is much more real to me. The possibility of having to change my lovers diaper is at my age a real thought, not just some far off thing I can’t even imagine anymore.

Can you really imagine the person sitting across from you feeding you applesauce with your dentures out and sorting out your daily allotment of medications and supplements? Because if you’re lucky that’s where marriage is headed. I watch old couples at restaurants, sitting in complete silence barely acknowledging each other’s existence and I think….”wow, and these are the lucky ones that made it this far together”. It’s not very uplifting honestly and still I want this.

I must be crazy….lol…..but c’est la vie.

Naughty little girl

I’m going to put a picture up later today and then I’m going to immediately revert it to draft mode (as I often do). I’m assuming those that follow me will receive it in their email inbox. That seems to be the way this works. Lol.

So I ask two things: 1) do not publish, reproduce or share this photo with anyone please. 2) hold your judgement. If you don’t like this sort of thing I apologise and hope you can just move on with your day. 😋

This photo is of me being submissive. It is rated pg13 at most probably. It depicts BDSM. I was in the throws of pain and deep subspace when this was taken. I find it hot as fuck……and I absolutely loved the experience and I want to share…..but……only a little. 😂

This is my little gift to my fellow writers, BDSMers and followers.

Kissez