Happy Independence Day!!

This day has always been symbolic to me. Not just of America’s Independence but of the spirit of freedom and Independence. Most people use New Year’s Eve to reevaluate their lives and set goals, but I tend to sit with those thoughts a lot on this day and the days leading up to 4th of July.

I tend to ask myself “am I liberated, am I free?”.

And I don’t mean that in the context of outside factors because we all have things we can’t quite escape. I mean inside myself.

This year I want to work on not judging myself. There is a difference between expecting the best from myself based on my own values and ideals and judging myself when I fail to meet those goals. I want to reserve my own judgement. Now this doesn’t mean I can’t reflect, correct, or grow from my mistakes. It means that I allow myself to be human and simply do my best at the given moment in time. That is after all…. what I am truly capable of.

I’m guessing it will mostly be enough, it may at times even let me surprise myself and other times it will fail abysmally. Because such is life.

I always tell people “my children will probably resent me for something I never saw coming”. So why should I have guilt? I’m trying my best here. I can’t be expected to do more than that. I wonder now if it’s the same with life. If the end of it will be the same. If I will be floored by the things that counted against me and the things that counted in my favor. If I will be amazed by the nuances of my own life and the things that drew judgement.

I’m not there. That isn’t my job, thankfully. So we shall see, shan’t we. Until then. I’m going to reserve judgement. It’s just beyond my pay grade frankly anyway and there is absolute no way to know what counts and how much it counts in the grand scheme of everything.

So I humbly step away from the judges table. It is a farce anyway. No one has that right. No mortal being does.

And that’s my freedom to myself this year. That’s my hope for myself.

I found this great article on achieving inner peace and freedom. It talks about it from a point of view of a parent dealing with a child’s addiction, but it all holds value none the less.

Take a look here if you need some inspiration for your own peace of mind.

Happy Independence Day!!

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Kaepernick

Why didn’t he just say that instead of singing the pledge… he loved this country and his fellow black citizen so much that he felt compelled to pray for a blessing in this country that would truly make all men and women equal, of all colors and ethnicities and genders?

But why does someone have to even take such drastic measures to ask for such a simple thing to begin with?

Life confuses me profoundly sometimes.

Doesn’t mean they have to

These are the straight guys I respect

The ones that are chill with homosexuality

Because they can readily admit that they’ve been attracted to a man

Like how many don’t readily admit they’d fuck Brad Pitt or some other such hotness celebrity.

Doesn’t mean they have to or ever will.

Just means they get it.

Except they don’t want to go there.

That’s it

Like.

I can appreciate that and even all the way up to fully liking boys too.

What I can’t appreciate is the hatred some men have towards gays

Weird hidden rage

Like…..

Were you molested?

Do you secretly really like dick and have a hard time admitting it?

Like what the fuck is the anger from?

I so don’t get it

Where’s the harm to you personally?

Their pink scarf tickled your face one time by accident?

Then conversely

I don’t get men who hate women

Gay or straight

Both seem to exist unfortunately

I guess I really don’t understand hatred all that well

It seems a really terrible emotion to let have control of you

I try so hard to stay focused on the positive and I try to never cross that line

Because it just seems a really hard one to crawl back from

Choose your own adventure

I was obsessed with those books as a teenager. Probably lower level reading then I could and should have been doing in 9th grade but I could not get enough of them. I plowed through the entire thing in one sitting. Doing every possibility available. Sometimes quickly dislodged, sometimes all the way to victory.

Always a new choice. Always a new ending. It fascinated me.

That’s how I see life. Pretty much. Still to this day.

I just wish I deeply accepted that while we are all living our lives simultaneously

In this day and age together

That somehow we have intercepted in this space and time of existence

Wherever that may be in the grand scheme of eternity

I want to truly appreciate that this is my book

And while it has many other people and dimensions in it

Many plots and subplots

It is the choices I take when I can take them and listening to my heart

That will lead me to my own personal victory

No matter where the book ends.

Sexual Deviant

It sounds ominous

But not as horrible as pedophile I suppose

That’s what I am

A deviant

I can admit that

I like sex hard sometimes

I like it beyond passion and intimacy

I want it to hurt

Or burn

Or make my heart feel like it’s going to beat out of my chest

That is just the level I like to feel in life sometimes

Whether it’s spiritually

With love towards the people in my life

Or sexually

That’s just the range of emotion I need

Is it dysfunctional?

No…..

I truly believe

Deep in my heart

That as long as it isn’t harming myself

(More than I want 😏)

And isn’t harming anyone else

(More than they want 😏)

Or absolutely anyone else not even involved in the play

Especially not children

Then hey……

It’s ok

All ok

But the minute it does violate any of the house rules

Is the moment to maybe step away

That’s not something I would not readily do if needed

We all have who we are

Who we want to be

Who we think we are

I’m not saying don’t be true to yourself

If anything I’m saying that more than anything

But yourself can be whoever you need and want that to be

Can’t it?

After all….

We are all more magnificent than we ever even realize

Drowning – RANT

Ok. I am mildly exaggerating

But it kind of feels that way when you’re in debt and your financial situation hits a deathcon level. Right?

This month the mortgage company tells me if they’ve approved my loan modification. Drumroll please.

This could be a huge game changer. It will definitely be a fork in the road either way. And I have no choice. I have to just keep trying. I have to just keep trying to make this happen.

I have a list of about 300 people on an email chain. I was thinking of offering a discount rate for July. Corny as it sounds I was going to label it the “let’s free ourselves from the crap we don’t need inside of us” sale. I boldly talk about digestion and poop in my emails and newsletters and some people really take offense to that, or just all marketing/informative material, or just me, or who knows.

I was going to offer a blow-out sale rate. People don’t realize I have a bottom line number for when my time and effort and supplies and licensing and other business expenses make it not worth taking people. I mean I could make $20 an hour doing eBay if I hustled a lot more. But then I’d have to dedicate time to that business almost exclusively. I can’t do things half ass and I can’t do it all perfectly. So I know my allotment of hours for each business.

I am being very logical and concise. I just didn’t anticipate the resistance local people would have to colon hydrotherapy here. If I was in Portland I am positive I would be booked solid. But I’m kind of stuck in this weird vortex of situations. Anything else I want to do to improve my business would require spending more money. Money I don’t have, as my mortgage company will tell you.

So anyway. I was going to offer an $80 special. For the Portland area it is a very good price for open systems. That’s a price you would only maybe get at a few places with buying a package. This is the thing. This is why I think I have a hard time getting clients. I don’t like dragging people here. I want people to really want to be here and I want to give them space to feel comfortable with that decision.

In Portland it’s so cute and I appreciate so much that people see the real value to doing it consistently when they have digestive issues. Some of my clients I would love to see every two weeks or so but they can’t seem to justify the cost. While in Portland people seem more understanding that this is part of your overall health and well being and day to day optimal living.

Especially people with digestive issues or degenerative illnesses. Like I don’t see how they are thinking they can not manage to do these. “You’re body is compromised, get the toxins out faster and better”. It is NOT BRAIN SURGERY. Plus… it’s pipes. Pipes people. Simple basic understanding. They get clogged. They need to be cleaned and maintained. This is what I tell people. Even pipes that run clear water get sediment build-up. And what dont we put in our bodies?

I can talk about digestion all day. I am putting my everything into it. I really don’t get why I am not making money.

Anyway. Discount. Emailed. Soon. That was the whole point of that.

This is my 3:30 am stoned delirium. I have to go to work soon. Lol.

Just another day.