A million miles away

Listening to Bruce Springsteen’s “Secret Garden”, followed by Led Zeppelin “What is and what should never be”. Seems about right.

I wonder if what I am seeking is really out there for me. I want to give myself completely over to love to someone deserving of that. Someone that will guard and nurture it. But it seems like a far away dream.

Of course, my head is super groggy from a head cold right now so everything is a bit off center.

I’m contemplating going on a date next week. Not that I’ve put myself out there at all. It’s someone I’ve been talking to for a bit here and there via Kik. I had no intention of dating and it’s still only tentative but it’s intriguing.

Looks like my client no showed so I’m going to go lay down. I should go to Trader Joe’s and maybe I will after I rest a bit. I think I see now why men are such big babies when they get sick. When you’re not used to getting sick it really is disorienting. And it’s hard to feel so weak when you’re used to going strong always. I’ve gotten sick all of once in the last year and that was for just about a day.

Well….. it’ll be fine.

😝🙈🙉🙊💋

A no brainier love

I remember talking to a man once over dinner and he was telling me that he meets these women with their lives all disheveled, he “saves” them and they inevitably fall in love with him. He said that as if it was a really bad thing. I also, maybe incorrectly, felt it as a slight jab.

I told him “of course they do”. But I figured he must want to be loved for himself exclusively and not his actions or what he can do for these women. I didn’t ask any questions, which in hindsight I wish I had. I thought it silly of him to be angry that women fall in love with him. Many men wish their actions evoked real feelings and not just continually being used.

I’ve been reading a few posts from men in love, or freshly out of love and to me it seems so easy to get a woman to fall in love with you. You simply make yourself indispensable to them.

If a woman feels loved for who she is, truly cared for and understood; if you lift her up when she’s down, are truly her friend, make her feel really great when your around her…. she will want to have you in her life.

Now if all this seems like too much work, it’s because it is. If you want to be your usual plain old self and be loved by a woman for just that exclusively… I absolutely guarantee you can make that happen, but probably not with the “girl of your dreams”.

Because, unfortunately, it seems to me that everyone wants to couple “up”. No one that is a 4, and I don’t mean looks wise alone, I mean life wise…. wants to settle for another 4. People tend to want to have something out of their reach. They want more, best, better than the rest. Which is all good and fine but what are you willing to do to get that?

Money works, looks help a lot, charisma is always golden, power is an instant aphrodisiac, popularity is always a good contender, jocks generally do pretty good for themselves.

My point is unless women of your particular type are knocking down your door begging for you, some work is involved. Especially if you want someone a bit out of your reach, or that isn’t all that particularly into you….yet.

I remember talking to a lesbian at a gay bar once. When I was younger and wanted to drink but not be hit on or bothered I would go to the gay bar or the old timers bar by my house. Basically when I wanted to be around people but was still feeling anti-social. I met this cute girl there. Totally not into her sexually, but we hung out a few times after that. She was really sweet.

She told me that she had been very straight not that many years prior to meeting her. But she had a coworker that was lesbian that always wanted to go out with her. This girl would buy her small gifts, treat her very sweetly, genuinely show concern for her wellbeing, make her laugh, but still make it very clear she did not want to be friend zoned but wanted real intimacy and a relationship with her.

Eventually she agreed to go on a date with her and the rest is history. She never looked back. She said that this woman treated her better than any man ever did and she didn’t want to go back to men. Now I really don’t see why men couldn’t do the same thing.

Except it takes time, effort, some money or creativity, and knowing the fine line between going after what you want and being creepy. Lol

I remember my friend Rob. He was a work friend. We got along really well. He was kind of quirky but such a genuine, nice guy. We started hanging out after work. I had zero intention of ever crossing the friend line. But time passed and our lives became very enmeshed and our friendship became so strong that after a day of drinking kissing didn’t seem like a bad idea. And that was all it took.

We didn’t last more than a few years but those were still some fun times and I don’t regret it one bit. Mostly we parted ways because he had zero ambition and drank way too much. Plus all the drugs I never knew at the time he was heavily into. I’m a bit oblivious to some things, unfortunately.

Anyway……

Seems to me some men seem to think love, sex, their wildest dreams will just be handed to them because they want it. I find that really laughable. Nothing worthwhile in life is effortless. Nothing. And finding a partner that fits you, that makes your life better, that is the right mix of all the things you want, and all the things you may not want but can put up with has got to be one of the hardest but most rewarding things to find in this life, I think.

So tell me how much effort that should require?

No really. How much? I’m asking for a friend. 😝🤣😝🤣

Holy Cosmos Batman

The show was cheesy. The sound effects completely outlandish, but I really used to like the Batman shows form my childhood. Somehow today I remembered all the strange exclamations Robin would throw out; although I haven’t seen the show in decades. Funny how the mind works. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me I need a sidekick. Lol. Maybe not, who knows.

I have a head cold. I am not enjoying this at all. I really have no time to be sick. I have almost 20 clients booked with week, plus 2 new eBay clients. To say I’m busy is an understatement. This will in fact be my busiest week ever so far. All thanks to a sweet Romanian doctor from Georgia who is making a month long house call to the Romanian community here and sending me a gaggle of her clients.

She operates a colon hydrotherapy center in her own hometown and so far her clients have been so truly darling. I’ll have to send her a gift card or maybe take her to lunch. I’d love to actually meet her but she said she has a full roster and wasn’t sure she would have the time.

I better get going. I had to add on an emergency appointment this morning and it’s already put me behind.

I started with the sniffles yesterday so it definitely isn’t the new diet, which I also started yesterday.

Meals: I woke up and took my first dose of H2O2. An hour and a half later I had a banana and a fruit/veggie smoothie. Then an hour and a half after that took my second dose. I made a delicious carrot and ginger pureed soup which I had for late lunch. I snacked on apples and oranges and for dinner had an avocado topped salad with homemade cilantro, garlic, lemon, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar dressing and then a baked potato with more dressing on it. I was not feeling deprived at any point, which is the nice thing.

I don’t think I slept all that well though, but I’m feeling ok all things considered.

Okay. Now I really do have to go.

I was feeling a bit horny last night but with the tartlet in bed with me I really don’t feel comfortable having a go at it. Gotta get her back in her bed tonight. Lol

🥰💋🙏🏽❣️🌈✌🏽🌍🌹

Carcinoma nervosa

Cancer seems to be a high fear for people. Maybe because it’s so prevalent. Maybe because it can’t always be seen or felt or caught early enough. Maybe because we almost all know many people who have suffered and died from it.

I’m not immune to those fears. I’ve already had precancerous cells taken off of my body. I’ve been complaining about my breast hurting lately but it’s not really a new complaint. So I didn’t take it all that serious. Not to say I disregarded it either. Especially when it turned from being a tenderness/pain in both breasts that seemed to fluctuate with hormones to a more centralized pain in one breast side that didn’t seem to be hormone induced.

So I asked for a referral for an ultrasound and I’m going to pay out of pocket for thermal imaging. I absolutely do not want a mammogram. Even though I found what looks to me like it could potentially be a carcinoma type lesion on the same breast side that has been bothering me.

It could be and hopefully is nothing. I put DMSO and hydrogen peroxide on it yesterday and watched it bubble and fizz for like 10 minutes. That was fun. Actually. Really. But I enjoy odd things.

I’m not going to tell anyone. Not because I’m trying to be a martyr but I don’t see the point. No need to worry anyone and I always find the more I talk about things the more anxious I get, not less. I can put it in the “don’t worry about it” file fairly easily. But when I have to bring it out and dissect it with people it feels like they are wanting to move my folder into the “let’s worry about this” file and it is disquieting, to say the least.

Plus I don’t need anecdotes, stories, suggestions, or any feedback right now. I just need positive energy around me and that’s what I intend to do for myself. Be my own positive energy flow. After all this could be absolutely nothing and if it isn’t, it isn’t. Deal with that when and if I get there.

For now, today I am going to start the hydrogen peroxide protocol and also exclusive juicing and fruit/vegetable eating only. I’ll try this for a week and reevaluate after. I’ll also make those appointments and go see the naturopath when the results come in. Just gonna keep going forward.

It snowed a little this morning, so beautiful. I had been thinking about this all night and all this morning but now writing it down I feel a lot of peace surrounding this. It’s always amazed me how much writing down my thoughts and feelings helps unburden me. Truly amazing.

So please, no comments on this post. If you feel inclined you can send me a hug. Just put your arms out and send me your warm loving embrace. I’ll feel it, from your space in time in this universe to my little heart.

My God, Divinity, the expanse of all that is, ever was and ever could be bless us all.

😉🌈🙏🏽🥰🤗❣️💋

Craving Sex and Intimacy

I have an intimacy and sex barometer and when it start to get low makes me really quite cranky and melancholic. It doesn’t take too much to fill the tank, and it is a bit of a camel too, that I can go a long distance on it, but conversely it can’t ever overflow either. It will take all you give it. Lol

So……even though I’m a bit pudgy right now. Even though I am definitely not looking to get into another very serious relationship and I’m especially not thinking about marriage anymore….I would like a lover.

I guess I’ll try Tinder again maybe.
But this means I have to take new pictures of myself (ugh🙄).

The last strictly lover I had was awesome in bed but we had nothing in common and could barely keep a conversation going. This time I’d like something with intimacy, connection and true friendship. Something more akin to a part-time relationship that has no expectations to be more. Someone I can see one or two night a week, dates, texting, sexting, some phone calls maybe. A connection that will involve real friendship and really making love.

Seems a huge ask though. Not even sure how I would write that kind of post. Let’s see.

Wanted: Intimacy, sex, friendship, radical honesty, monogamy but…..

only part-time.

Busy mom of 3 with my own business, not seeking marriage or a sugar daddy. Just seeking a real connection with someone fun, sweet and genuine.

Looks do not matter; character does. Generosity of spirit. Truly being a kind, centered, integrous person.

You ready for a grand adventure?

But before I do that I have to make sure I’m ready for it and not just letting my libido run the show and more importantly do I really even have time for that? Lol🤔🤔🤔

Equilibrium

Laying in bed. My liver is hurting again. Made myself drink Epsom salt. Ugghhhhh…. that stuff is horrendous.

I was just floating through memories laying here. For some reason the thought popped in my head of a sweet, uber rich client I had back in CA that had a collection of high end furniture, bicycles and fountain pens he gave me to sell. One time, when I sold his $8k mid century modern coffee table the dealer that bought it got to the house and pretended I didn’t exist. I was standing 3 feet from him when he went after my client wanting to sell the remainder of his collection for him. Telling him he could do a better job which was maddening to me all things considered. My client took his card and I walked away.

Instances like this have happened to me so often in life where I should have gotten mad and said something, but didn’t. I just let people be assholes to me. Then I wonder how many times I’ve been screwed over behind my back and not even known it. I’m sure that number is exponential to the times I’ve actually seen it happen. But …..

the redeeming thought is that life is a teeter-totter. There is the flip side. There are the times I have been saved by people. Often by the kindness of strangers I didn’t even know; kindness with no expectations. People going out of their way to help when they didn’t have to. That in itself is priceless. There is truly so much beauty in this world, both from humankind, made by humankind and most especially in nature. Then too, all the love that can be felt, had, shared, enjoyed and experienced here. Those things are very worthwhile.

So it’s a matter of not letting the teeter-tottering knock you off balance. It’s a matter of trying to maintain inner equilibrium in this turbulent, tumultuous, passion filled life that can ebb from heights of glory to pits of despair; from periods of mad frenzy to times of mind numbing boredom.

Is there purpose to this? Is there a method to it? Is there true success to this adventure beyond the frivolities humankind concerns itself with? I like to think so. And it’s what helps me in maintaining that inner balance for myself too. Knowing….. I’m not playing the game wrong. We just aren’t playing the same game I think. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤣

🥰❣️🌈🌍🙏🏽💋

Perspective

Another client came in today on the fruitarian diet. I’m intrigued by it. I don’t think I could ever go raw vegan without having a chef. Lol. I don’t know that I could ever even go vegan though really, it would be so restrictive along with my already gluten and dairy free diet, plus I do enjoy meat and fish. I hate the treatment of the animals though.

I am contemplating trying the fruit thing for a bit. Maybe 2-4 weeks. Now I do realize Ashton Kutcher sent himself to the hospital doing this diet, so I need to think about it a bit more before I commit.

But I think I’m at the point where I want to do something drastic yet easy, if that makes sense. Something that will hit the reset button on my food cravings and weight gain, but without too much thought and effort needed and this may just be that thing.

I wish I could do intermittent fasting. I know it does wonders for most people, but I have hypoglycemia and I get severe physical symptoms if I don’t eat every 3-4 hours, something, doesn’t have to be much but it can’t be nothing or just liquids. I get light-headed and dizzy. I get surly. I get shaky and lethargic. My blood sugar level dips really low. And this last year a new symptom started up; my liver now starts to hurt too, if I go too long between meals. Which tells me it is very strained. Which also helps explains why I want another detox.

And I was thinking, you know the greatest part about being single. It’s that I can do whatever I want. I can do the fruit diet and no one can say or do a single thing about it. I have no push back. I have no one to coordinate food preparations with. So this is a huge plus. But as poor Jay-lynn pointed out today when she went home sick we also have no one to cuddle us to sleep at night, when things get hard or we don’t feel good. Ho hum.

—-+++

I’m so tired. Tomorrow started out as a day I was going to spend entirely with the kidlets but I am booked solid right now. At least I get to sleep in a tiny bit but considering it’s almost midnight it isn’t really sleeping in rather than getting a full night sleep. Lol. Still….

I’m grateful.

Just grateful.

No justifications needed.

No rattling off all the things to be upset about, worried about, stressed over, wishing were different.

Nope.

Just gonna close my eyes and be thankful.

Goodnight wacky world. Sweet dreams.

💤💋🥰🙏🏽🌍🌈❣️

Psychedelics – video

I’m truly not advocating drug use.  I’ve never even done DMT. And yes, I’ve seen a friend have a horrible acid trip and end up hospitalized, but she was struggling with a bunch of serious mental and emotional issues to begin with. 

All I know is that this makes sense to me. Maybe it doesn’t to everyone and I can understand that.  But…..

Meditation

I meditate daily. Always when I wake up and usually when I go to sleep. But I want to incorporate more during the day. At least one session, if and when possible. Meditation can be unnerving sometimes during the day (for me at least, honestly) because I can always think of a million other things I could be doing and all these nagging thoughts start to invade the quiet I am trying to achieve. But…..

that itself is part of the process; quieting the monkeys in my own mind. Seeing how my own thoughts are working. Seeing what comes up and how it comes up. Getting a better understanding of myself and what is happening in the undercurrent, the things that we disregard with the busyness of the day.

——-

So….

I started my old job back up today helping Jill at her studio. I’m happy about it. Of all the jobs I’ve had recently this is my favorite and I absolutely adore her. Plus her clients are really great.

Unfortunately though the first two of the day cancelled so she suggested I go to check out the thrift store a few blocks down. Mind you, she is paying me hourly a full days pay regardless of clients showing up. But it’s days like this that makeup for when a client takes up my unpaid lunch time, or I have a larger mess to clean at the end of the day or some other situation that extends my day out and I don’t charge her for.

I was apprehensive to go to the store because I only had thin slip on shoes, I didn’t want to drive there and it was raining. Sure enough my feet were drenched when I got there and my knee was really hurting too. But I found the most perfect yoga pillow for $6 with a removable, washable cover.

So now I have no excuses. The universe is saying “here you go”, which is my cue here.

I really am super bummed about my knee because I can’t really exercise this way. I can’t do cardio at least and I don’t really want chlorine from pool water affecting my liver and dry skin. Ho hum.

But I can work on other parts of myself. And since I have zero intention of dating right now I really don’t have to worry about getting back into my little black dresses and sexy lingerie.

Do I? 🤔

No!

Phew.

Huge relief too, because that’s just more stress I don’t need.

Now I just need to find a good spot to set it up in my tiny little home.

———

I’ve also been thinking of selling my homemade modified but much stronger St. Andrews Cross. But then I will need to paint my wall and in this weather it won’t dry very quickly. I made that mistake last year and had to content with the paint smell for months it seemed like.

But then do I also sell my spanking table? Do I sell my sexy red couch, that I can’t actually do because it’s in Brad’s garage. Will I ever have a red room again? I could clear out the garage and make that happen, but it isn’t on any list right now.

All just thoughts in my head. Guess when and if I feel compelled to do something about it I actually will. Lol

Such is life.

💋💋💋

Life is proprietary

Who do you answer to?

Who/what do you live for?

Who has the authority to tell you what, how, when, where to be?

What stressors have you by the balls?

What/who have you given power to?

What do you revere?

What do you loath?

Who/what has your attention?

We give up so much governance over our lives and we don’t realize how much this shapes our entire existence. We don’t consciously grasp how much we let circumstances, society, government, family, friends, media, (outside factors) shape us. When ultimately we have the control. We get to decide. We have choice. And yet so much in this life we just tow the line, without any real analysis of what we are committing our lives to; of the structures at play, of who we let ourselves become.

Simply shrugging our shoulders and going along with the program. I understand how hard it is to take a cold hard look at oneself and one’s life and truly see the masks, the skeletons, the lies, the fears, the vices, the insecurities. To take a good look at the role we have played in manifesting our own suffering and in perpetuating suffering onto others (willingly or not; consciously or not).

That is one hard pill, let me tell you. But without taking the blinders off we can’t see the full picture. We can’t see how much power we truly have in this life. We can’t see how much power we constantly give away. We can’t truly see where we are allocating our truest, more prescious resource; ourselves…. our time, attention and energy.

Your life is proprietary to you. You get to make your own mistakes. You get to live your own saga in this choose your own adventure.

——-

I was thinking last night how sometimes you can’t see all the choices present in any given situation in life because you’re only looking from one distinct vantage.

So many times in life I have taken a step down a path that then opened up a horizon I never knew possible (good or bad). One I simply couldn’t see before because I was on a different path then and the new paths view was obscured from where I was then….if that makes sense. Kind of like a multi-fork in the road where there may be clear markers but the roads are so twisted or heavily forested that you really can’t see ahead, onto any of the paths.

This is why I’ve been trying to follow my heart and soul more blindly lately. Because I understand how much better they can see the future and the possibilities that lay ahead of me than my analytical mind can grasp.

But these are things I’ve learned the hard way and I can accept that this may not be everyone’s path in life. But I never claimed I spoke for anyone but myself or anything more than what I truly believe to be true here in this now I find myself.

But I will refer us both back to the title. You do you boo!

Happy Saturday!!

💋🥰🌹🌍✌🏽🌈❣️🙏🏽