Nirvana as a concept or reality?

Trying to think of the happiest I’ve ever been. Just me; with no reasoning or differentiation to outside factors. It was those too few days I spent in Nirvana. Let’s digress. So……

We are up to 5 separate realities all colliding in this same space and time; this mortal, human experience, heaven, hell, nirvana* (the whole of non-duality), and purgatory (for lack of a better word). There have to be more, simply because it makes more sense to me that there is more than I can see or understand than there be less.

Kind of like aliens in outer space. I myself have not been privileged to encounters them yet, but that they exist is beyond a far gone conclusion…. to me at least. Because we are talking about an infinite universe and we are idiots. I have to believe other beings have gotten it better than we have. I have to believe there are sentient beings out in the universe that have outpaced us. We are after all spiritually still stuck chasing our own ego-driven stupidities like a dog chasing it’s own tail.

So……how do I get back to that? I wonder if the “fake it until you make it” thing would work? Visualize it? The thing that popped me into it was coming out of a very oppressive and soul crushing relationship that I wanted to be in because I loved him so….even though it was absolutely horrible at times.

He was a manic depressive person with extreme mood swings. When he was happy he could light up a room but when he was depressed, which was more and more towards the end of his school days he became so volatile. It was like living with a rollercoaster when all you wanted was a cool, soft breeze.

The main factors of those days that I can remember is that I was truly just happy to be. Everything was a new and beautiful experience. Waiting in line, great, eating an apple, fabulous. Just breathing was a glorious pleasure. Nothing scared me. Nothing brought me down. Nothing to question. Nothing to worry about.

Just letting life flow as it was meant to was such a truly beautiful experience. Witnessing life, while being a part of it. I want to find that simple joy again. Which was far more than joy. Just a simple shift in perception brought about deep fulfilling enlightenment.

I would love to live there. Now just have to figure out how…….. since that almost felt like a glitch to the matrix. Lol. I can’t tell you how many people during those days could see how open I was and cautioned me to be careful. It made me so sad to see the fear they held for me and yet to know they sensed it. They knew. Beyond words. Beyond logic. It’s interesting really.

Now let’s dance and sing and figure this out. Once and for all. Shall we?

But not today. I got winded just loading the dishwasher today. Lol 💋

——-

*Not sure if this word is the most appropriate. I’m thinking how the Christian religion separates it into God, son, holy spirit.

It’s lost

It’s gone. The illusion of what could have been.

It drifted

Melted into the asphalt

And dispersed itself into nothingness

Why am I mourning?

What am I suffering from?

Why does it hurt so?

In the moments it was good

It was pretty magical

I wish that had not been lost

To things we won’t even care about one day…..

But they have

And it’s gone

Never to return

The vision of a house, serene and full of love, surrounded by laughter and joy. It was getting harder and harder to picture that….. so now apart it’s finally time to really let it go.

Goodbye to another dream of love lost to things I may never understand.

——-

But I will keep the dream alive…. that one day… just maybe…..it will become reality. Much like the reason I still buy lottery tickets. I simply have to live in a world where the possibility exists for dreams to come true.

Maybe millennials have it right (re marriage)

I don’t like to disparage any one age group. While a lot of them may adhere to some of their stereotypes, there is also great individual variance and they each have their own unique view and experience of the world and as such can give deep insight of their own lives and times and probably rather astute opinions of other ages and times.

My point is….. they are single handedly lowering the divorce statistics even though baby boomers are still divorcing at alarming rates along with their kids in tow.

I think it’s funny that as humans we believe ourselves so autonomous and self driven yet we are so hard wired for social acceptance, familial and all other love and most notably mating. What we do to mate is so subconscious; with some learned and some innate. Like the turtles that return to a shore they only saw at birth.

Sooooo we had the age of strength. Strong men could hunt and defend and those skills were vital for survival. Then came the agricultural age and intelligence, power and money came more into play. Now we have the technologies era and geeks have raught their vengeance mighty heavily. So what’s next? I think it will be an emotional age. One where we look within.

The millennials already do this. They settle their big questions early. Who am I? What am I going to do with myself? What do I want? And once they feel they have a small semblance of information about that they seek a marriage partner. Brava people!!!! Hats off. Woot woot. Way to go. Of course a whole bunch of ya are opting not to marry or have children too.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the weight of the world, finances, the uncertainty of everything or what, but kudos. Seriously!! I’m proud of ya’ll serving every other generation with your about-to on divorce. Being divorced I can say it’s a huge money pit. Huge and I was on the (supposed) good end of the equation. Yeah. Uhu. Lol

This of course is just a silly observation. Seems logical to me but…..my crystal ball is on the fritz sooooo take everything I say with lots of grains of salt. I do so love salt. Lol💋💖🥰🌈🌷🤗

No frogs live here

I lived in the dessert for a few years; the California dessert…. Riverside county to be exact. We had a small stream near our house and we would visit it often and we were so delighted by the frogs always in some state of being. I enjoyed listening to them out the window at night. Frogs are such an important barometer for an ecosystem.

So knowing that the streams where I live now are 75-90 times the EPA guidelines for pesticide contamination clearly explains why we have no frogs here. They can’t survive in the heavily pesticide laden waters. What can? These poor animals that surround us have no choice but to drink the water we lace with round-up and moss killer and on and on.

I was told there were fish in these streams not even that long ago. I haven’t seen all the streams and all the natural water ways here, but in my almost 5 years here I have yet to see or hear a single frog. And for what? For the luxury of golf course lawn? If we can’t figure out how to live cohesively with mother nature and it’s stock then of what use are we? Why wouldn’t mother nature want to get rid of us? Aren’t we the most destructive things on this planet besides natural disasters and even they at least have a way of resetting the balance of nature.

I see birds come and eat seeds and worms from my grass and I see the bees visiting the flowers and weeds in my yard and I thank them for visiting as I’m sure they would thank me for not spraying pesticides. I want to plant things that will attract butterflies. I can count on one hand how few of those I’ve seen in Oregon too. But that’s a project for a other day.

I think tomorrow morning I’ll grab the kids, gloves and a few trash bags and we will canvas the few blocks around our house for trash. I’m tired of just talking the talk. If I want to really make any kind of difference here I’ve got to walk the walk…..and dammit….that’s what I am going to do.

Rancid Little Mood

Ok. The fact that I’ve been sick for days and the kids have been sick for a bit and I had to cancel a few clients this week and the only person I can call is my ex-husband to help. Well…….

Then add that I’m feeling a bit sad about Brad and I can’t wrap my head around my last existential conundrum to even know where to begin to look at that one. I’m frustrated!!!

I was thinking of the last 7 months with Brad and how we had some really great times and shared touching moments and laughter and some fabulous kinky adventures. I miss the comfort of his love. But…….. was it a waste of time?

I was also thinking back to Aaron. When we met he was half way through his bachelors degree and I was just starting an errand business. Needless to say the business went out the window in favor of a 9-5 job at his suggestion. Then I was moving in and paying all the bills except rent which his mom paid. The plan became for him to finish school and then for me to stop working and go back to school full-time. We never got there. He graduated and we broke up. He had bigger and better things in mind and I was no longer in that plan. To no one’s surprise but mine. It probably wasn’t so cut and dry but it certainly felt that way then.

I guess when I gave Brad the ultimatum recently “either help me financially or get out of my way”. It was my fault really that I got into that situation. I spent all the time I could with him and while I didn’t neglect my kids or my businesses, I also didn’t move forward with the projects and networking and things I had intended. Because there are only so many hours in a day and only so much energy I can expend.

This getting sick thing has forced me to unwind and reflect. Maybe its just me also going through the normal stages of a break up. I haven’t reached out. He hasn’t reached out. I think it’s fair to say neither one of us was really wanting to commit wholeheartedly to this adventure. Neither of us was wanting to give it everything. It seemed we had been growing farther and farther apart emotionally with each break-up.

It’s fine. I really don’t feel like rehashing the whole thing. Plus there are always more factors than one realizes going on in these situations. Things I can’t even begin to grasp that were at play. So as much as I want to try to understand it all, the best I can do is understand my own part in the scene.

I understand I am still very scared to have men around my kids. I understand my pluses and minuses. I am no where near perfect…….but for one man….I still harbor hope that I am all he has ever wanted and more…..and vice-versa of course. When and if it happens…it happens. Guess I have time to go the gym now, once my health pops back. That’s a plus! That will definitely help my mood too. win/win

🥰💖🌷🙏🏽🤗

Green Paradise – naptime

That’s the name of the show I’m binge watching while I let myself eat a single small slice of real gluten and real cheese and nitrate/nitrite full pepperoni. Yum! I’m savoring every single bite.

Still wheezing, groggy, runny nose, eyes watering, you know. That thing people call sick. Yeah. Still that. But I’m watching this show telling myself how I have to see these places. The world is a beautiful place. Majestic. Glorious.

So this sick thing has got to end. Vitality. Strength. Health. Happiness.

Right? Right! But first a nap seems to be in order. Damn gluten!!! Guess it’s a good thing. I’m not really a nap person but I could use the rest now. Maybe a second slice may be in order. Nah…..eyes getting heavy. Palau looks so beautiful. I want to learn to snorkel. Not today though. Nighty-night.

Disengage from the world /last anti-vax rant

It doesn’t help that I’m sick of course

But I feel like completely disengaging from the world right now.

It doesn’t help that I’m a bit heartbroken about the break-up with Brad

It doesn’t help that all the girls are sick too

And it definitely doesn’t help that I’m out of pot

Ugghhhhhhh

I was so tempted to text him

And say what?

“I’m sick, come hug me and bring me food and pot…please”. Lol. Nah. Just drive the boi crazy.

The teenager is getting Five Guys. I think I’ll take a long hot bubble bath. Nothing french fries and a hot soak can’t make better. A little better.

I think I’ll hole myself up all weekend and figure out why I can’t cure myself.

—–

I read a post on my Google feed. It was horrible. I know news is suppose to be quasi-factual but this report was just a capture of a Reddit post against anti-vaxxers. So I commented. I was the first person to comment against vaccines and of course everyone came after me as if I was trying to kill their puppies. I can’t keep fighting this fight.

It reminds me of our first stint in Iraq. I was so adamantly opposed that when we invaded Afghanistan I could barely muster the desire to care. I just gave up. It seemed so pointless. I care. I obviously care but no one wants to listen. We’ve become a world of “I’m right and your wrong and nothing will change my mind”.

In truth I am absolutely not opposed to vaccines; not at all. I’m just calling for some common sense and sensibility. We can’t go from my parents generation of only 8 vaccines to mine of about 30 to my kids of over 70. Take out all the junk, and carcinogens in them. Schedule them based on the child’s own unique health history, age, weight, etc., separate them so they aren’t given so many at one time (especially the MMR), and don’t take away people’s right to sue if they have adverse affects. Plus don’t pit doctors against patients in this dogma of “greater good” where NO ONE takes any blame, fault or responsibility when a child does get injured and or dies from them.

Once they fix the (money grab) system I’ll be more on board. But no use…..no use trying to educate people when the mainstream media is on the pharmaceutical payroll. It made me wonder today if all that backlash against Facebook and Amazon has anything to do with the fact that now all of a sudden, quite simultaneously they both are taking all anti-vax info off of their sites.

Freedom of speech is no longer true when governments and corporations conspire to keep people shackled to the regulations and agendas they want to pursue and censor information. One day it won’t be vaccines. This is just proving the power these entities have. The rhetoric has gotten so bad and these people they have zero ethics….zero.

I’m really giving up. I’m considering this fight dead. Corporations win. Pharmaceutical companies win. Government wins. The people……lol. No one cares……..we aren’t people to these entities. We are pocket books at best and expendable nuisances at worst.

Freedom is no longer truly possible in this world. Only freedom within. Thankfully that’s still available and I’ll have to settle for that.

And as far as those greedy fucks go. I’m going to tell them the exact same thing I tell those people that send scam emails and texts:

“There is a very special place in hell for you. I’ve been there so I can tell you that from experience. Life is very short, but a second in hell is an eternity. Good luck with that…asshole(s). Lol”

Karma is good, but honestly knowing they’re going to hell is even better. I should feel compassion. They’ve lost their soul. They’ve lost their way. They’re just stuck in a wonky world doing the best they can. Uhu. Yeah. No!! Most of these fucks know exactly what they are doing. Hey. I didn’t invent this system. Doesn’t mean I can’t be glad it exists.

I have compassion…..I just exercise it wisely. On some people it seems completely wasted. Sorry.