It’s always something…..

Always…..

So really…….

I mean……

life gives you ample opportunity to worry and be afraid.

One could very easily spend this entire lifetime in a constant state of panic.

Life gives unlimited possibilities for it. Unlimited….. and one needn’t even go looking for it, it will gladly come calling.

It will come right to the door, dressed in its finest attire, presented as a trusted friend, an expert even, telling all the many very good and very valid reasons why we should care and take heed. Why we should be aggravated, afraid, distrustful, bitter, worried and completely distressed about it all; always.

And it’s up to us what to do with that; how we let it affect us.

Now I’m not saying be the village idiot and live in complete oblivion to everything. Although if it was between only these two choices I’m sure you’d guess which one I would take. Lol

I’m saying that I personally choose not to live in such a state. I prefer not to let my life be a non-stop reel of anxiety, anger and depression. It’s absolutely possible and given all my own circumstances and history even very probable for me to sink there. It would actually be very simple. Wouldn’t take any effort at all really.

What does take effort is having all of the shit if life happen and not letting it affect me. That is a conscious, concerted effort. It is a process, that is sometimes simple and sometimes very, very hard. But it is an endeavor I take on, over and over, every single day so that I can live my life in peace; peace within me.

Because it seems worth it to me. But it amazes me how many people don’t even think about it. When it is a matter of just making a choice to be happy, to let things go…. emotionally at least. To not let it have a negative impact on my heart and mind.

Not to say I can’t still have an opinion, do something, feel a certain way about it. Just to say that moment by moment I choose to live with tranquility within and for myself.

And I truly wish this was how we all could be and feel, but no one can make that happen for anyone else; unfortunately. And there is the crux of the matter. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‹

I wonder…..

Sometimes I write these things and they seem so common sense to me. Like doesn’t everyone intrinsically know these things. Makes me wonder if they forgot, fool themselves, prefer not to think about it or acknowledge it or simply don’t care.

I see how the world works and it all seems so maddeningly wrong. Like it’s no wonder people crack. It’s no wonder suicide and legal (alcohol/weed), scripted and illegal drug addiction is so prevalent. Like I totally get that.

Because this world runs so contrary to the best humans are capable of and it really can fracture minds, break heart and ruin souls how it exists now.

My daughter asked me my take on the afterlife. I told her what I know for myself to be true but I said if I had it my way and I hope it is true….. heaven although glorious and beautiful and absolutely beyond words amazing is made up of no matter, no separation, no people or places. It is no making love, it is no holding your baby in your arms and smelling their breath. It is no gazing into your loved ones eyes. It’s no children’s laughter.

Granted. None of this is really missed because all the emotion of love is there in a multitude unthinkable and never ending. Still…. all the same….in my version of the afterlife I would be surrounded by people I love, in a beautiful world, where there isn’t all the things that make this world unbearable, but only all the things I most love about it. A distinct place and time within a body and all the senses I have plus so many more.

A place where my heart, body and soul are safe and everyone is treasured for who they are. A brother and sisterhood of enlightened beings full of love and joy.

Maybe it sounds trite or boring….. but it brings tears to my eyes to think of how truly majestic a place that would be….. to me at least.

I can feel it inside my being so strongly, as if I actually know this place, I can even picture fragments of it. Maybe because I’ve thought of it so often, especially recently.

Makes me wonder……

It all makes me wonder. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”

๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒŒ

Ultimately what it comes down to….

So we are put here on this Earth with no definitive explanation as to why. We have no personalized guidebook. We have no absolute, universal instructions. We have no idea what or where the goalpost is, when the end will be, what the settings will be, who the players all are, or any of the other nuances of this adventure. We are the blind leading the blind it feels like most often. Which I don’t necessarily see as a bad thing. But anyways……

I personally think….. that what matters in this life isn’t our physical attributes, environment, money, education, power, privilege, status, ethnicity, gender, happiness, health, cleverness, drive, disposition, family, friends, frame of mind, or even really our virtues. I think ultimately, the only thing that matters when it’s all said and done are our own individual choices.

Now, people sometimes like to think they don’t have a choice in most matters, or there only have bad choices to pick from, or they did what they could to justify some pretty horrible things. Sometimes that may actually be a tiny bit valid but most of the time, if you look really closely, it actually isn’t.

Now there is such a thing as almost perfect vision in hindsight. There is not knowing all the variables when you are making your decision. There is a “worth the risk” factor of trying to elude consequences, which again…. all seem justifiable but ultimately really, never truly are.

Now… none of this is me trying to say I make the best choices always. In fact, I make plenty of bad ones. And like most people sometimes I make bad choices knowing they are bad choices, but I don’t find myself all that surprised when the repercussions come to collect payment. I just stomach it without complaint, which seems a lost art in this world. ๐Ÿคจ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿคฃ

I know that when, at the end, I am finally judged by the rightful authority to do so, it will be for my choices alone and nothing more. None of the justifications that I appease myself with now will matter one droplet. But that’s something that is hard to live for. Which might be why karma isn’t just left for the final tally.

Truthfully, I have so many unanswered and probably unanswerable questions in this life. But I’m not trying to lead a calvary here. I’m just trying to navigate myself and my soul to a place I can live with, not just at the end but now too.

——-+-

Yesterday…..

was a day of maybe not great choices. Some without consequences, some with. For starters, my youngest wanted to go get Valentine’s cards and I made a mad dash between clients to take her. This resulted in me going 11 miles over the 25 speed limit on a street with almost no houses directly on it and none in the space where I was stopped. I was still fortunate to be cited a warning alone.

I didn’t lie when asked why I was traveling so fast. And I would have taken the ticket, because contrary to what I have seen people do, I never try to get out of it. I have gone to court to contest them before but I had more time then. Lol

Then I decided I wanted to eat something besides fruit and veggies. I had a light breakfast of eggs. That sat well but I noticed my knee was bothering me more and I felt a little sluggish. Then I ate out for dinner and indulged with beef fajitas. So delicious but that caused severe chaos in my digestion.

After eating so clean for those five days my body didn’t appreciate this at all. ๐Ÿ™„ Oh well. I think I’ll stick back to the diet for a bit since I was feeling so good with it and then decide what I want and need to do going forward.

But…… the cherry on top.

I called Brad. He was the one who took me to dinner and then to his house. I don’t know what made me think I would be getting any sleep there. He fucked me silly. Even woke me up in the middle of the night. Then because of his insomnia he was puttering about all night long. It was worth it. But I am a bit tired today, plus having eaten how I did yesterday doesn’t help. Fortunately, I’ll reset my digestion pretty quickly here.

Brad was so cute though. He held me almost all night long in a tight grip, like a teddy bear and kept telling me over and over how much he loved me. It was endearing. I did thankfully convince him to go on the Oregon Health Plan. It isn’t prudent to not have health insurance in this country. You could literally go bankrupt and lose everything should something dire happen to you. Some homeless people end up there with that very situation, unfortunately.

——++

God, I really needed to be touched and loved on. I feel so much better emotionally. I can’t even truthfully explain in words the relief it gives me, more than the orgasm itself. Although, let’s be clear…. that’s always very, VERY nice too.

Overall I’m doing well. Going into the busiest week I’ve ever had in my life work wise. I really hope I’m up for this challenge. I feel I am. I choose to believe I can do this and do it healthily. We shall see if that becomes reality. I do need to take as much time as I can between clients and when possible to nurture and take care of myself and my poor children will hopefully understand my absence.

It’s a short term situation. I don’t think this influx of clients will last beyond this month.

——

May the choices I make be beneficial to me and the ones I love. May they not induce harm on anything or anyone. May I be able to find peace in my heart and satisfaction in my soul from it. Always and forever.

And I wish the same for you…… wherever life finds you.

Make the choices count, or not, but be conscious of it either way. Right?

Yes. I think so. That seems the way to be. No blinders. No rationalizations. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

With the help of God because I don’t know about you, but I’ll take all the help I can get from Divinity. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

๐ŸŒโœŒ๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ’–โฃ๏ธ๐Ÿ’‹๐ŸŒน๐Ÿฅฐ

Why such extremes?

Some people seem to live their lives at a fairly moderate pace. They may have a few severe ups and down events during their life but mostly they seem to live a pretty even keeled life. Not to say there isn’t stress and disappointment, sadness, elation, and revelry. Just that it’s not all that extreme.

That….. is not my life. It never has been and I’m not sure if it ever will be. And do I even want that? Lol. Well….. sometimes…. like now I really like to think I do.

I called the doctor late last night to discuss one of her clients. He was probably in the top three of most difficult sessions I’ve ever had. He was in extreme pain. I even tried to stop the session. I was prepared to refund him his money no problem. But he insisted to continue through the pain.

His primary issue was that his anal muscles were completely seized up. But that caused secondary issues which I won’t go into. He was such a trooper, but I was so glad that was my last session of the day.

So I casually ask her how long she will be staying in town and she said it depends on if she gets more clients to do the series of colonics. Then she will stay through their entire detox to monitor them. I’ll tell you the truth.

My heart sank a bit. I am so truly grateful to have the work and meet these wonderful people, but she already has me overbooked every day for the next week and a half.

So much so, I will literally make more money this single week than I have made every single month since I started this business. And while this is monumental and so wonderful it is also unsustainable at this pace. I don’t have a single day off slated again this month. Not one.

Times like this make me acutely aware that I really need a wife or a mother. Lol. I simply can’t work at this pace and take care of myself well, let alone my children and my house.

This vegetable and fruit diet that I am on gives me a lot of mental and physical stamina though and I am super grateful it coincided. I would say serendipitously, but we all know I don’t really believe in that. But at the same time I am at the point where I don’t have time to sustain it. Juicing takes a lot of time and clean-up. Making hearty homemade soups takes a bit of prep time and clean-up.

I’ll muscle through, but it makes me wonder how residents do it. Expected to work such long hours in those environments without making mistakes. It seems not only unreasonable but completely inhumane.

It also reminds me of when I worked at the Hyatt. I loved that job so much. I started when I was 18 at the front desk. It was my full intention to retire with that company. I had aspirations to be a front desk manager. Took me 6 years but I finally worked my way up to assistant front desk manager when our manager was fired unexpectedly.

It was then upon myself and the other assistant manager to cover the desk. For an entire month while they searched for a replacement he and I worked 12+ hour shifts every single day. Because I was salary I calculated my pay and I was making less than every single employee under me.

I didn’t care. I was so loyal to that company that I was not about to leave them in a lurch and if that’s what it took so be it. During that time (because I worked the night/graveyard shift) I even managed to get the hotel sold out 4 nights in a row. One of those legitimately so.

The other three I either padded a couple of the empty rooms with no-shows to make it look sold out or I had to move people to another hotel.

The GM even called me into her office to congratulate me. I’m not sure if it was then or later that I told her my aspirations to be front desk manager.

Whenever it was…she paused….looked at me gravely and said “you’ll never be front desk manager”. It took every single piece of strength in by body to not cry at that moment. She told me that because I had no college degree I didn’t qualify for it.

Once a front desk manager was found I took a lateral demotion (oxymoron I know). I kept my pay but transferred to a secretarial position so I could then work office hours and go to school at night. I was driven to get my degree and all was going well until one of my two managers started planning her wedding and became the biggest cunt this side of the Mississippi.

She would berate me in front of my coworkers for simple mistakes, sometimes not even mine. She slammed doors behind me, looked at me like she hated me and was just horrible to me. Finally one day after a particularly bad day when she slammed the door literally on my face I walked off the job. And that was the end of my hospitality career.

I still occasionally have dreams about working there.

Well anyway. I’m not sure what to do about this situation with this doctor. I recognize this is a limited time offer and I’m super happy we connected in this world but…… it may be asking too much of me. I am only but one person and outside of work I have my own obligations and people to attend to, including myself.

I really didn’t know what to say yesterday. I didn’t confirm I could help more of her clients but she also didn’t ask directly. I suppose like all things…..I’ll see what happens when the time comes.

I did tell the girls that because of this extra money maybe we can finally take a small vacation and head to the beach for two days for my birthday. The thought of that alone is very uplifting and I’m hoping helps pull me through this.

Not trying to complain, but it ain’t easy being me sometimes. Lol

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒโœŒ๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒน

Enmeshment

I realized last night that I honestly don’t know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. But I am thinking that maybe I don’t really need to know. Maybe all I need to figure out is a way to have a relationship that nurtures and supports me emotionally, satisfies me sexually, stimulates or at least doesn’t bore me to tears mentally and also, most important of all…. is in no way shape or form harmful to me or those I love.

(Big sigh……๐Ÿ™„)

The thing is…..I’ve never been attracted to that. I attract and am attracted to (maybe not so much drama anymore as) a level of enmeshment and possessiveness that only people in incestuous or overly and unhealthily enmeshed families comprehend. Where the “healthy” boundaries between people become erased, but if you’ve never had this I’m not sure this is understandable.

When I look back at every single relationship I’ve ever had (including friendships) they all had some kind of broken family situation. Most times it was an overly possessive mother, alcoholism/drug abuse, or indeed incest or heavy over-enmeshment of some sort, especially with strong sexual overtones. But there has always been this underlying darkness, sense of wrongdoing or unhealthiness there.

That’s what draws me in….the familiarity of that feeling and it’s something that I can sense across a room. It’s something I don’t need any words to subconsciously access about someone and be drawn to. So how do I change this and more importantly do I need to?

I was talking to a client. She had been a single mom for 10 years after her divorce from a very bad and abusive marriage before she found her very loving and caring fiance. She said he was worth the wait but 10 years seems a long time to me.

I absolutely can’t go that long without touch and intimacy. I can’t. Maybe that’s my own issues. Maybe I need to look at that, but I know my needs and for me to be happy in my everyday life I need an outlet for my sexual energy. Period. Doesn’t need justification. I am a sexual being and I relish that part of myself deeply.

What to do? What to do? Can I be attracted to “normal”? Do I want “normal”? What even is “normal”?

So many winding roads…..

Right now….

Relationship wise: I don’t want to be accountable to anyone. I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it with no expectations from anyone. That’s it. Because I don’t need any added stress in my life.

So I will do EXACTLY as I please right now. And as far as my own accountability to myself….well….here’s what I have to say to myself.

Do what you want and need to do. You know yourself well enough, follow your gut. I trust that you “know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

So girl, go get what you want.๐Ÿ’‹

Lol.

Let’s see how this plays out.

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

โฃ๏ธ๐ŸŒน๐Ÿ˜

Lover me this

My life is full of conundrums. It used to drive me crazy. It used to give me crippling anxiety. I used to search for answers from others. Then I learned that was a debilitating coping mechanism. So now I just sit with things. I let them be or wait until I know exactly what I want and need to do, for myself.

Right now I am craving touch, intimacy and sex; but I’m not wanting to date. I could channel that energy into exercise or meditate through it maybe…. I’ve never tried that one.

But ideally I’d be really happy if I could just find a lover. That of course comes with its own issues. How do you not get attached? How many lily pads must one hop on to find one that hits the spot? I’m really not into casual sex, contrary to how it may seem. Lol

Part of me is tempted to call Brad but there is just too much emotional baggage for that to work as just lovers. I guess I’ll know what I want to do when I know what I want to do. For now I’ll sit and ruminate about this longing a bit more. C’est la vie.

โฃ๏ธ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿ’‹

Catastrophe

This is the only time in history I have direct knowledge of. So can I say with all certainly that it is the best, the worst, about the same, completely different? I can’t say any of those things really.

I know human nature hasn’t seemed to change all that much. Can I say that technology and science has? I suppose so, but I look at the pyramids and Mayan knowledge and wonder.

I was thinking today about how we gave “aid” to the Ukraine, as we do many countries. Then they turn around and buy arms from us. So aren’t we essentially just giving them free arms?

I look at how we invaded Afghanistan and took their poppy seeds and oil over fake pretenses. I think of how we strong armed some South American countries to put into affect our vaccine schedule and mandated using only our pharmaceutical companies; while they have no say in quality control or ability to sue should there be any issues that arise from this.

This world is so corrupt on such a global scale and for what? Avarice, power, comforts, spoils, fame? Is that worth killing the planet? Is that worth injuring our fellow humans? Is that worth harming our very souls? It really is true that any harm caused to others comes back to haunt us; whether that be through karma, our own morality and inner peace or our very own mortality.

But people seem willing to pay that price for temporary gains in this temporary life on this temporary world. Why? Because they can’t see the big picture? Because all that matters is the here and now of material gains and people can’t see that treasuring one’s soul, helping allkind, nurturing the planet is really a simple act of love and care for ourselves…. because we are all and all is us. We are all so deeply intertwined. And we all have a part to play in the endeavor of surviving in this reality.

We really should be striving for the thriving of ALL. I can only suppose we’ve lasted as long as we have because while there is greed, hatred, anger, ignorance, selfishness and pain, there is also love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, empathy and healing.

But all the same, I really can’t figure out why the world works in such maddening ways, when it needn’t be this way. At least I can work on my own souls trajectory. I can do what I can from where I find myself and try to demonstrate what I feel so strongly about. That seems worthwhile to me, even if a lot of the rest seems a total catastrophe. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

๐Ÿ’‹๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿฅฐโฃ๏ธ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

Anniversary, singles cruise, protocol, thankful

Tomorrow will mark a month since Brad and I broke things off. It’s the longest we’ve gone without speaking since we met. I only know this because I did it via text and it’s archived. I was wondering the other day and I checked.

I miss him, but I’m not going to do anything about it. I think of him often but I’m so busy it isn’t distressing me when I do. It’s more curiosity maybe, mixed with a little worry.

——–

I had a cute client come in today; another Eastern European woman. I am so enchanted with these new clients. They are so tender and sweet. She is a single grandma and she told me we were going to go on a fun singles cruise together and find ourselves upstanding gentlemen, maybe even rich ones, since it’s not a cheap endeavor. I laughed so hard. It was really cute. She says I absolutely can’t sell myself short. I am beautiful and deserving of a wonderful man. It was just nice to feel a boost like that. My heart swelled a bit. It was so endearing.

——-

So I’ve been on this protocol now for only 4 days. It hasn’t been all that hard, but I forgot how much work juicing was. I bought way too much stuff at Costco to stop now, but I don’t think I’m going to keep going with it after I’ve consumed all this.

Although….. I have seen that my mood has been very stable and the inflammation in my body has been almost non-existent. I say this because my knee hasn’t been hurting almost at all and my liver recovered very well from a recent supplement debacle.

All the same I think I’ll slowly pull away from this very strict vegetable and fruit diet.

Actually I think maybe I’ll get up in a minute and make a cauliflower, cabbage and potato stir fry. I’m hungry.

Fruits, juices and vegetables process through your digestion very rapidly, especially cooked vegetables. Takes about 30 minutes through the stomach as opposed to meat which can take multiple hours in just that first segment of digestion alone.

So this way of eating is very easy on the body. The raw vegetables can be a hair more work but they also create more prebiotics when broken down. And unless someone has SIBO or allergies to them most people can handle vegetables pretty well and they are also a great source of fiber to aid in elimination.

I’m remembering my love of vegetables right now for sure and hopefully I’ll make them more a focal point of my diet going forward.

—–

I was thinking of a new mantra/prayer today.

Thank you body for your strength and endurance

Thank you mind for your ability and determination

Thank you heart for your elasticity and courage

Thank you soul for you wisdom and breath of life

One day I will be done with this body and it will go to dust

But until then I should love it, nurture it, and be it’s biggest fan. It is after all mine and mine alone. What can you really say that about in life? Not much really.

I am so tired, but my stomach is grumbling and stir fry sounds good.

Goodnight friends.

Blessing of lovely dreams.

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝโฃ๏ธ๐Ÿฅฐ

Remembrances & triggers

I’ve been remembering small episodes from the past a lot lately.

Today I remembered a few years back when I went to TJ to get my teeth fixed. I was near the dental office very early that morning. I had just finished breakfast and was walking towards the office down a small alleyway when I locked eyes with a woman headed my direction. I could tell from her demeanor that she had had a hard life thus far and that she also had not so great intentions towards me.

I held her gaze, not glancing away once and kept walking straight towards her. I had no intention of being a victim that morning. So I just held firm and kept eye contact, when she abruptly turned around and walked away. I wonder what could have happened had I not been paying attention to my surroundings that morning.

——–

I have been struggling with something today.

If someone was sexually abused, but say they found a way to enjoy certain aspects of it and developed their sexual identity around said abuse…is it ok to go there? Can it create more issues? I think back to how Brad retriggered me and how much I enjoyed it but also how badly it affected me psychologically because I was and still am very conflicted about it all.

Can consenting adults really play these triggering games and not have it spill out into other areas, not affect the psyche, not cause distress? I feel I can only truly answer this for myself, and I feel the answer for me is probably not. And if it isn’t ok for me, is it ok to help fuel someone else’s sexual trauma? Even if they seem perfectly fine with it and desire it to be so.

Can I, personally, ever reach a point where I can go there and it not be a slippery slope towards more extreme deviancy? Or can I just turn my back on it completely, even though it does give me so much pleasure?

I know I could just go vanilla and fantasize about these things secretly without materializing them in any fashion; be it porn or with partners. But is that necessary? IDK

I’m seriously thinking of going to incest anonymous meetings, to be able to discuss this with people who truly know and understand the depths of this.

Abstinence is definitely not plausible or desired. But maybe I need to look at some purely vanilla guys when I start dating. Boring as that may be. Lol

๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™‰๐Ÿ™Š

๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹