Dreaming is free

The thought of being able to spend 30 minutes a day with each of my children, giving them my undivided attention is like a slice of heaven. I can’t right now. Even if I had the time and energy I would mostly just be a body present. I wouldn’t be fully there: actively listening, engaged, fully invested, receptive, calm, communicative. No. My life is way too stressful and full for that.

In my ideal world it wouldn’t be. But why does that seem too much too ask?

Unpatriotic

I can see how some people could see me as unpatriotic, especially in this age where to say anything against US economic and political policies and laws makes one a communist or liberal or God knows, but patriotic isn’t it.

Except it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love this country. This is my language. These are my people. This is the land I was raised on. These are my traditions. This is my culture. This is my food. These are our shared experiences. That is not negligible. I get it. I tear up watching videos like this of a simple patriotic jesture. I tear up when Victor Lazlo leads The Marseille anthem in Casablanca. I understand and feel patriotism deeply to my core. Except…….and here is where I feel I lose a lot of people.

I feel ever so tiny bit more passionate and loyal to all of earth…. in all of its beauty; all of its animals and all of its landscapes. This is most very literally my world. Our world and I am deeply devoted to it. And I’m sorry but it trumps patriotism with a slight edge and it will always be that way.

Because it’s all interwoven together, no matter how many lines we want to draw in the sand and barriers we want to create. It just is and I can’t even begin to comprehend how anyone could think any differently in any logic based way.

I’m sorry. I know. I’m blunt. I’m brash. I speak my mind when no one really asks me to. Lol. Oh well. We all have our things.

I’m just hoping one day this world will actually make sense.

Jeezus H. Mary

Something that really irritates me about myself is my childhood trauma, but not in the way you’d think. Not so much that it happened as much as the illogical and overemotional episodes it can still throw me into. I feel so lost to it. I recognize that a great part of our reactions as humans are based on subconscious teachings from our youth and these can’t just be easily switched off.

I see this behavior come out the most when I’m in a triggering situation. Like when someone is making fun of me in a hurtful and spiteful way about something I already have self doubts about. But since that generally doesn’t happen very much….. where it most plays out is in my relationships with men.

If they put me in a situation where I feel abandoned, neglected or undesired it triggers such a massive panic filled anxiety attack that I can react crazily. The worst part is that I can see it. I can logically understand that my reaction is categorically and completely irrational and yet I feel powerless over the intense emotions of it.

It doesn’t even matter if the slight is intentional or unintentional. The avalanche of torrential feelings hits me up sideways and I am compelled to respond in a usually very immature and unhealthy way. I can state example after example of this and the deeper my emotions are for the man the more daft my reactions can be.

It is always a reaction though. So maybe if I could get control of my emotions and just chill, understand I am responding to this exactly as I did when a child and give myself the time and space to sit with these intense feelings, and see them for the coping skills they were then, and figure out new responses if any at all are even needed; instead of just lashing out at the person who caused these intense feelings. That would be the “woke” thing to do. But am I there yet?

It reminds me of when I was learning how to stop my severe and debilitating depression. It was a hard journey. I’m not gonna lie. It took intense vigilance over my own thoughts and self talk. It took looking at what I was focusing on and where my mind went and having to redirect it over and over and over and over until it became second nature. It took so long and I took many steps back along the way.

First I would try to stop myself after the thought and reaction and say “ok, maybe next time I can look at it this way and react such and such way instead”. Very gradually I started catching myself while reacting and then slowly before reacting. Then I started catching myself mid thought. Then before the negative thought came in when I could sense a trigger coming at me. And now I can spot my depression, depressive reactions and thoughts a mile a way.

And it doesn’t have power over my life and control over my mind and actions like it used to. It was absolutely not easy. But it was unquestionably worth all the effort and I know with no doubt at all I would be dead had I not relearned how to cope with life.

So I have a few choices here, I suppose. 1) I completely write off all relationships. 2) I work on this and hit it head on. 3) I let the situation keep being what it is and dragging me down to this highly triggered level of stupefying anxiety with little control over my assinine behavior.

Ugghhhhhh…..

Why is life so damn complicated?

How about 4) I find a man who loves me deeply and understands me so well that he doesn’t trigger me or when he does he can help work through it with me?

Don’t ask me why that seems laughably impossible, but I guess it speaks more about my own jaded musings than anything. Ho hum.

Mind you….. this is all because of some minor thing Brad did tonight. It’s so trivial I don’t even think I want to mention it. But my reaction was to think to myself “maybe I should ghost him”. Which is hysterical, really. I’ve never ghosted anyone in my life, unless you count online conversations with people you don’t even really know and barely engaged with to begin. Never have I done it to someone I actually knew or had any emotional attachments to. I try to be honest and respectful and treat people as I like to be treated and ghosting is absolutely not it.

So how then did I even come to that conclusion to think I could do it. Why? Well…. because relationships are too damn complicated and I have so much on my plate and do I need more to worry about? Do I need more projects? Do I need to deal with this right now? If not now when I suppose? But this is all seeming like a massive pile up accident on the freeway of my life and I can’t afford my stress level to go up or any more relationship fatalities. Can I?

How many times must I go through this? I guess that’s why ghosting seemed plausible. Ugghhhhhh

Is it me? Is it him? Would it be the same with anyone? Hard to say but my gut says probably so. All I really know for a fact right now is that I have to get to sleep and I’ll be super busy all week so I won’t have to think about this anymore. Thankfully. Because it’s a lot and there are so many more important things to worry about? Right?

ðŸ’ĪðŸ’ĪðŸ’Ī💋💋💋ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—🌟🌟🌠

Oh…. what a night

Let’s review the day……

Taxes got done. House got tidy to a level of acceptableness. I got offered the part-time job I applied for earlier in the week. Brad took me to dinner and kept trying to propose with a straw paper wrapper quickly made into a ring shape. Lol

Let’s unpack that a bit because all these make-ups and break-ups are probably causing whiplash and last we knew he was out of the picture.

See what happened is that…….

I, me, this person here, broke down and called him a few days ago. Which is an unusual stance for me. In that in all our break ups I’ve never been the one to reach out to him. But I was missing him so much and when Sylvia (my therapist) suggested that maybe he and I just needed to come in for couples therapy to learn to argue effectively and not detrimentally….it kind of felt like a green light.

Still took me a few days after that to decide to contact him. So when I called him he immediately came over and took me to lunch and grocery shopping. I spent the night at his house and things felt really good between us.

Then the next night we argued and I was absolutely besides myself with anger, especially at myself for having re-engaged. But, very unlike him within less than an hour he apologized, explained why he reacted the way he did and took full responsibility for the ordeal.

So I told him we needed to have a serious discussion, which he generally avoids at all costs. I told him we needed to sit down and figure out our issues, if we could resolve them and figure out what we were doing, where we were going, and how to stop driving each other crazy with these on and off dramatic episodes.

So….. he picked me up last night to take me to dinner and have the discussion. I was shocked that he wasn’t stressed, agitated or short with me. He actually seemed pretty calm, especially for having to drive around a major traffic jam to get to me.

Beforehand I had made sure I knew very clearly what I wanted in this situation. Because it’s no fair asking someone to have a difficult conversation when you have no idea what you really want out of it. Surprisingly it came very clear to me. And after when we sat down and got drinks and chit chatted a bit I started in…..

“It’s been over 3 years that I’ve been divorced now. The first year I couldn’t yet date. The second year I dated but wasn’t quite sure I could see myself getting married again. But now after 3 years of struggling and working so hard and trying to make a go of it alone I’ve realized…. I really just want to be married again and be a “housewife”. I love nurturing my family and I want a husband to adore and be my best friend. I’m tired of this constant struggle with no one at my side.”

Then he shocked me a bit when he told me his desires. He wants to convert his garage into an extra bed and bath and have us all move in with him. We talked about the logistics and possible difficulties, the finances, and tried to stay focused on the big picture of it all.

That’s when he started trying to propose. It was funny and I laughed it off as I firmly said “no, stop, don’t do that”. I’ve never been proposed to and that wasn’t going to be it. It’s not that I need some huge ordeal. I simply want it be special and I want us to both be 100% sure.

Then we went to the sex club; Privata. It was busy but not excessively so. In all I had 4 glasses of champagne and thankfully, no more. We ended up making out throughout the club and finally made our way into a room. I undressed him and laid him on the bed. I climbed on top still fully dressed, my shoes off only because they had broken. I rode him as I pinched his balls and nipples, slapped his face and made him writhe and scream in pain. I was trying to get his screams to match those of the girl in the next room.

We were getting there when he tapped out because his back was hurting in that position. That’s when I noticed I had inadvertently left the curtains open and we had a small audience. I blushed as they walked away and I closed them. Then he got on top and opened them again and fucked me hard. His dick was bulging to the point it was causing me a little pain. “Ow daddy” I protested. “Take it for me little girl, take daddy’s big dick” he came back with and became the tiger I hadn’t seen for a while.

Then he abruptly stopped pumping, and stared into my eyes and said “I know we play these games, and they are all fun and great, but this man Brad really loves this women, Macy” and I teared up instantly.

Then he did something he also hasn’t done in a long time. He got into the only position that makes me orgasm though PIV (penis in vagina), because it stimulates my clitoris effectively and I was so close, but between the possible audience and the alcohol I couldn’t. I was closer than I’d been with him in months though and it all felt so wonderful.

He dropped me off at home. My head hit the pillow at 2am and then the munch woke me up at 8 to start her birthday extravaganza.

I briefly discussed the new turn of events with the girls this morning once we settled into the morning and explained that I wanted their opinion and that it was a possibility and not a definitive thing. It’s hard to merge two families with so many moving parts and issues and Brad and I don’t scream stability.

But I realized this morning that Brad and I have a lot of difficulties between us because we are both fairly grouchy sometimes. Him because of his constant back pain and me because of my many life stressors. Not to give an excuse to either of us, but….I guess I am.

Well…. so….. this is a whole new turn of events and things will progress as they progress and we shall see. Shan’t we?

Now to make breakfast and get going. Birthday girl needs some smooches and attention.

💋💋

ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—ðŸĪ—

Romance, detoxing, deal with God, curse released

God I love romance. I can’t help it. If I listed all the things that give me pure happiness in life the top 5 would include my children and romance. Divinity comes in there too of course.

I was questioning this morning how that ranking went. Is God truly first for me? I don’t know how to know with complete certainty the correct answer and I definitely don’t want to have it tested. So I think I’ll leave that question alone and just be happy with how it is. After all it’s a pretty long and fluid list and I’m sure it fluctuates vastly throughout my life.

———

I heard this great acoustic version of I Feel For You by Prince. I love him (RIP) and this song does not disappoint. So beautiful.

—–+

I have about 5 hours of bookkeeping to do today to get my taxes done. I thought I was done earlier this week but there was a glitch in their system and now I have to do it all over again. On the plus side I won’t have to pay for the service, it’s just more time and effort expenditure. Of which I’ve already spent way more than I wanted to. Bookkeeping is just inputting information using logic, math and fields. It’s generally easy; but easy doesn’t necessarily mean enjoyable, now does it? Lol

——-

This parasite cleanse is kicking my ass. It’s my own damn fault of course. Because I’m being very aggressive with it and having some die-off symptoms. I threw up my lunch yesterday from the extreme nausea. This has really been helping my liver though. I can absolutely tell it has. But I am going to back off the dosage a bit to not feel so tired and overwhelmed by it.

My pores have been releasing toxins at a very high rate too because it’s making me a bit stinky. Better out than in, of course, but it’s not a Fabreeze experience for those within very close smelling distance. This is also a clear sign to back off because the skin is a less effective way to detox. I remember something I saw on detoxing equating clearing toxins out of your pores as if taking the trash out of your house by way of pushing it through a mesh window screen. Not efficient at all. Lol

—-+–

I may go to Privata tonight. I’m not sure. Depends how tired I am later. I can always rally by way of cold shower/bath, but it’s not an obligation or necessity. So we shall see.

——

I was praying in bed this morning and I said to God. “Ok. You tell me where this is going.” I basically said if you want my life to go a more spiritual route then I need some ease. The contrast between monetary and spiritual needs has me working too hard in one direction and that’s fine if that’s where I need to be…. but you can’t ask me to effectively and efficiently do both. It’s just not possible. So I set my “requests” and said it’s up to you and that’s where I am leaving it….. in Divinity’s hands.

Then I had an epiphany while prepping my morning coffee. Somewhere in time and space I have been cursed upon. So I took some steps to counteract it and I immediately felt so much better; like a weighted blanket was taken off of me. I still have some things I want to do to make sure I’m protected from those evil intentions. To let more light in to this situation. Which also means forgiving that person/people for their ill will and setting peace within myself and the universe around the entire transaction.

I’m feeling very hopeful today and even serene. But I’ve got to get to work. These numbers won’t input themselves, unfortunately.

💋ðŸĪ—ðŸĪŠðŸ˜‰ðŸ’‹

——

Helping other’s / comraderie / pro-Domme revisited

A huge part of our social makeup as human beings is not just receiving the benefits of communal living: infrastructure, creature comforts, societal stability, sharing of resources, protection, etc. it’s also being able to contribute to it and help others. We are lost without that very crucial part of our existence. It’s what helps us feel like we belong, like we are of value.

Fortunately I’m not a keeping score type of person. But I can see why people can become like that. I can see how bitter life can make one. I’m not saying that stance is wrong as much as that it simply isn’t conducive to a happy life and healthy living.

But at the same time I can clearly see right now how my receiving and giving has been very wonky. Life isn’t about reciprocity or overall balance. It can’t be measured in fairness or equanimity. This is just the truth of the matter. We don’t have to attach sentiment to it.

I want my life to flow smoothly. I want my transactions to flow like an infinity symbol……

except I know that it won’t necessarily always be even sided. Some epochs of my life will be more giving and others more receiving. The measurements are tallied at the end so there is no way to know how it will go and it isn’t my job to monitor that.

I am striving I guess, for myself, to be more gracious anf fluid in both in my giving and receiving. I want to be more generous of myself because I know that while sometimes I do feel depleted helping others, mostly it also finds a way of benefitting me. I see something more clearly. I learn something. I feel or experience something unexpected in return. So there is absolutely no reason to not help others. At least that has been my experience and that’s the stance I want to take. Give more; appreciate the act of giving for the blessing it is.

——-

I understand that people like to do this whole comraderie thing. We like to bond over sports, common: enemies/hero’s, interests, hobbies, lifestyles, backgrounds, etc. I get it. I do. But intrinsically I also understand how we are all so deeply connected and intertwined with each other already and in this experience of life… and that all those other things aren’t really necessary to form a bond.

Yesterday I saw Max. He had gotten run over and has had a slow recovery. In the short time I spent with him he was able to make some great strides in his rehab. I was happy if my presence inspired and helped him. But the part that most struck me was when we looked into each other’s eyes and without a single word or gesture I could clearly see the pain he has been enduring and I could also sense that he understood mine.

What was maybe 20 seconds of eye contact had so much depth and emotion to it. There was a deep sense of understanding that goes beyond commonalities and superficialities. A depth of understanding that went directly soul to soul.

That’s what we are capable of (as sentient beings) and yet we walk around pretending we need more. This is one reason I am not fond of small talk. It reinforces an attempt where no attempt is necessary, but I still do get it.

——-

I was racking my brain trying to think of what my ideal situation would be come Christmas. I mean sure: winning the lottery, beach house, marrying Brad Pitt, I could create a wonderful dreamscape. The reality is I would be thrilled to just have financial ease plus health and happiness for myself and my children. Anything else would just be gravy.

———/

I had a dream I worked in a clinic of some sort with all these other women and I had formed some lovely bonds with them and we were all thriving. So much so that I was going to go from having one open system to a second closed system room as well. I was super excited. I remember I would say to one of my coworkers “hey beautiful” and then she would say it back and even though we meant it lovingly we both knew we had physical insecurities that no amount of “hey beautiful”s was going to solve. Yet that simple show of support for each other meant a lot.

——-

Over the last few years I have been offered money from men several times. A few hundred just to spend time with them and also out of sheer generosity and up to $500 for more. I also just had two men ask me about pro-Domming this week on FetLife. I kind of got it out of my head I was going to be doing that. Lol But it would be so much fun and extra money. I suppose I could do it at Privata and it would be safer than a hotel/motel. We could even open the drapes and let people watch. I did so enjoy public femdom displays.

We shall see. These things don’t tend to happen organically. It’s kind of exciting, but I do like very clearly defined parameters. Suppose it can just start with dinner first. Lol. I’ll keep you posted. ðŸĪŠ

💋💋💋