Bi-polar

This has come up over the years. Just in normal conversation, not as a diagnosis, but even if it had I really don’t give a….

Everyone walking this earth is their own unique brand of lunacy. We could stick a label on everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE. I don’t see the benefit of that. We could walk around like Marines with stripes on our shoulders designating our kinks, our mental “dificiencies”, our emotional “disorders”, our physical “handicaps”.

Frankly, if you can get up to being a 50 year old at this get together and don’t have labels, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or askew way of looking at the world, you can count yourself extremely lucky and in the very, very, very minority.

I’m happy to be authentically myself… and this self has deep emotions and is complex and doesn’t fit in a little box. I’m not trying to. I don’t give a fuck.

“The joke is on them!” – Brandi Carlile

Faith

It is all as it is meant to be

If I knew why I would say

But I don’t

And I never may

So why trouble myself about it

If I’m to make this alright within myself

If I’m to make this truly count

I have to do the seemingly impossible

I have to let it be ok

I have to let it all be as it is

Because only then can I truly open my eyes to it all

Only then can I see the reality of it all

And then

And only then

Can I choose with my heart how to react

But beyond all this

I must believe

I am ok

As is

Too

Macabre

The world is a dangerous place. It doesn’t have to be, but it is. All these people vying for control of something. Whether it’s themselves, their lives or others. Whether it’s money or circumstances or their reality. It’s laughable to me how tightly people hold on to the idiocies of this circus. How much they are willing to do to keep playing along. I can laugh about it; besides I am all cried out right now anyway.

Truly there seems no end to the cruelty had on this planet; dispensed like paper cups…. “Here, have some”. Everyone drinks the Kool-aid. We aren’t given much choice. But we can pull back the veil and stop pretending. We can live our authentic truths come what may.

I’ve been living in a bit of a tight noose situation these last few years and it’s amazing how many people look at me with pity or concern in their eyes and say “I wish I could help” or “I am doing all I can”. But I know deep in my heart that’s not reality talking. That’s their ego justifying their sense of self-preservation and letting them feel good about themselves.

I don’t buy it. Not one bit. But at the same time I understand. Everyone has the hills they are willing to die on. The causes they are willing to see to the end at any cost. I am no one’s hill. My situation is no one’s mountain. No one truly cares all that much. It’s fine. I’m not really asking anyone to. Such is my fate. I totally get it. We each have our own tragedies to unfold.

I learned early on that the world was a cruel place. Nothing surprises me all that much anymore. If anything, it’s kindness and the willingness of people to step up and do the right thing, and do things that truly count at any cost that brings me to my knees now. That brings tears of joy to my eyes and touches my soul deeply and shakes me to my very core.

Anyone can be cruel. That’s easy. Anyone can walk away and say “that’s not my problem”. Millions do it each and every day, every moment of their lives. But truly giving a fuck. Truly sticking your neck out. Truly making a difference. That takes balls. Big giant brass balls and that’s not most people. In fact it’s hardly anyone at all.

But we can all just keep pretending to be “good” people. Most everyone seems alright with that. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Mindless jobs

Einstein took mindless jobs so he could think about his theories unencumbered by other nuisances. God, imagine what he could do now with the internet and the scientific research available. That would be amazing.

Maybe I need a mindless job. If only they paid actual livable wages. But when I get an idea, if I don’t research it or write it down immediately it escapes me completely and I’m off to the next thought. I’m not saying all or even most of my thoughts are amazing. But I’ve forgotten more things than the world has time to even read. Lol

I know there are artistic endowments still available that people give to “worthy” individuals. I detest having to prove myself to people. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I don’t grovel. I don’t take a knee for money. I might as well whore myself out; that at least feels more authentic than pandering for acceptance from people who feel themselves “better than” and qualified to judge me.

I hate all these stupid games life forces you to play. I just want to stop playing sometimes. What would that look like though? I want to just be allowed to be me freely, unencumbered by the stupidities society says are necessary for a “proper” human to be successful in life. Hogwash. All of it. Utter bullshit.

Hold on loosely

There is a cool song by that title. The song is good. The beats, the lyrics, good. This is not about that song. This is just about life in general. My stance with life.

I’m holding on loosely. Doesn’t mean I’m letting go. Just means that it’s all transitory and when it’s meant to go, so be it. Where I’m meant to go. Where life takes you. No use holding on too tight. You can’t readily move on to a new adventure carrying all the gear for and from your last adventure still on ya. Now can you?

People are a different story. Still hold on loosely but doesn’t mean you don’t keep them in your heart forever. There are people who were kind to me as a young child that I still have a place for in my heart. Fortunately the heart has no boundaries and can hold the world, the universe, infinity in it, if desired and allowed.

Today I woke up trying to find Nirvana: deep acceptance, complete truth, open heart, absolutely no fear. So much easier on paper. I should create a fearnometer. It could calculate how much fear/stress people have in their lives on a tangible scale. That way people can self monitor. Guess the heart rate does that somewhat, but on a deeper and more accurate level even.

People don’t understand just how insidious fear: desperation, anger, sadness, bitterness, depression, anxiety, procrastination, self-sabotage, and the myriad endless ways fear present itself in this lifetime…..can be. How it effects absolutely everything in our lives; from simple decisions to subconscious urgings and even maybe most importantly: health.

So what is the antidote? The easiest and absolutely hardest thing to do; simply have faith. Allowing that pain comes anyway in life; whether you guard your fortress with pitchforks or not. No one escapes it, no matter how hard we may try and think it possible…it isn’t. Because we have hearts, we care, we are sentient, emotional beings.

My life is one big attempt to find bliss within, because ultimately that is the only true path to it. It isn’t necessarily easy, but then again how many extraordinary endeavors in life worth doing are?

🙏🏽💋🦋🌊🌞🙂🌈❣️🥰😉🌺

Trying to seek happiness

Aren’t we all really?

I’ve said it so many times

I just keep repeating it to myself at intervals as if it were new

Lol

We are all seeking it mostly in the ways we were “programmed to receive” is all. Right?

If we could all just have compassion for each other on this merry go around

There would be not only less vomiting but more buckets to pass around

Win/Win

I get it though. Me and my pretend fake water gun get it. Don’t mind me pointing it at my own head in frustration sometimes. We all need to cool off at some point. Lol. Don’t we? If I still drank I’d carry a real water gun and fill it with rum. I am part Cuban after all. Ho hum. Someone tell that to my liver please. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Accidentally helped a hitchhiker

I stopped giving hitchhikers rides in Murrieta after I developed a rash that looked exactly like the rash the old-timer in my car had. I’m just so sensitive*. Really. So sensitive. It wasn’t any other reason is the sad part.

So I was driving home and I see a car with blinkers and windows down on the side of the road and a decently dressed guy hitching a ride a few paces up. So I stop. I ask about the car. Awkward. Not him. So he was in my car already. What was I gonna do or say. He seemed ok anyway.

“As far up as you can” he says. “I wish I could take you further but I’m turning off in a few miles” I said, genuinely. He said it was ok. We talked a bit about his difficulties and about mine. It went so fast. I gave him $10 and told him I knew what it was like to be hungry and we said our blessings to each other.

It was noteworthy and it was all by accident. Life is funny. Lol

—–&

*I think I used to be more then. I was sick then with chronic fatigue. I can’t imagine that even ever happening now. Knock on wood. Lol Anyway…