Lonely = Horny

I don’t know where in my little brain I began equating boredom and loneliness to horniness. But it seems to be the correlation my mind makes eventually. Maybe because once I orgasm I feel better. Maybe because it’s a great solo activity. I’ve talked about how I got my moniker before. I never really have the kind of time to watch porn and masturbate until I orgasm 4-5 times anymore though.

I no longer watch porn all that much either but I do like that I don’t have to go to the video store or pay for it. A simple search brings me all the free porn I could possibly want.

Tonight I plan on taking a long hot bath, putting the kids to bed and then masturbating until I pass out. It’s good to have goals.

Happy Friday!!

πŸ’–πŸ’‹

Ocean Breeze, Orgasms

I am a water baby. I love the water. I’ve always been happiest when I’ve lived near water. I especially love the ocean and have had the opportunity to live a block from the ocean at several points in my life and tremendously enjoyed those times.

Now I live in an abundance of water: rain, rivers and streams. There is something within me that draws me to water. Something that rejuvenates my soul. Which is why I truly don’t understand how we devalue water so much in this world. I remember when I was really sick my mother took me (against my will) to emergency and I told her “Mama, I don’t need to be here. All I need is love, water and mota.”

——-

I’m realizing more and more that my orgasms are about 65% mental. Since my body doesn’t respond as easily as it used to my mind now must compensate. Which means I really have to be into it and want it for it to work. This is not a good thing. Sex just for the sake of having sex and feeling good is what I’d much rather have. But things change, life changes you. A new normal unfolds. Guess I just figure out how to navigate this new epoch. Lol

β™₯οΈπŸ’‹πŸ₯°

She Cries

When no one sees

In the middle of the night

She tucks into herself

And wails silently

With shivers

And gasps

She bemoans

The pain

And overwhelming load.

The quiet loneliness of the night only adds too the distress.

But in the day

She is bright

Cheerful

Full of gratitude

Heavy with optimism

It’s just sometimes

On night’s like this

She gets flooded by tears that won’t stop

And monsters that come begging to be fed

And even though she knows the angst will disapate

And she will rise up again in the morning ready for whatever comes

Saving her tears

Her worries

Her fears

For the next such event

She wishes it wouldn’t come back

Wishes life wouldn’t overtake her like this

And leave her helplessly crumbled to her knees

She wishes she could be the hero she needs

Fluid, Double Penetration, morning sex.

I live in a transient state of mind. Recognizing life is subject to change at any moment.

I make plans. I just don’t hold on tight to them. They don’t become real to me until the moment I do them.

In fact; my most difficult days (as far as stress) are the days that are scheduled top to bottom with activities.

It’s hard to be fluid and also time regimented.

It’s why I allot 2 hours per client. It’s why I like to bubble in extra time between activities. It’s why I try to allow space for downtime each day; even if it has to be as a bookend.

I need fluidity in my life. My soul requires it. There are things I’ve found that augment to the fluidity. Things I’ve mentioned so many times now that it seems torturous to bring up again: yoga, meditation, THC, mindfulness, following your gut instincts, listening to your heart, deep breathing, spending time in nature, watching the world with an open heart and no judgement.

Fluidity is difficult for me in that it isn’t something I can focus on too much or that also will bring me stress. It’s something I must allow in, be aware of and strive for. It takes not so much focus as a redirecting. Like in meditation when you redirect your mind to whatever it is you’re trying to achieve: silence, focus, energy, a specific outcome in life, nothingness, connecting to God, etc. Your mind wanders. It’s what it does.

Fluidity is NOT following the hamster wheel of the brain but rather following the flow of life itself. I like to explain things because I sometimes feel like when I explain it I understand it better myself. Lol. So this is more for my benefit than anyone else’s really.

—-

Brad wants me to, not so much stop sleeping with my ex but to, incorporate him into it. i.e. he wants to be there from now on. He really wants to do double penetration. I’m all for it but I can’t imagine this sitting well with my ex.

It’s so cute to see his enthusiasm. He is also chomping at the bit to go back to the club and have us do a Dom/sub play scene in front of an audience. He such a huge exhibitionist.

He’s here now. Supposedly giving me my daily orgasm. But he got soft on me and I ruthlessly dismissed him to go make us eggs for breakfast and told him his soft dick was completely useless. Lol. It’s so funny and fun to be cruel. I do plan on getting my orgasm in; one way or another. But mentally and physically torturing him is such sweet added bonus. I just can’t help myself.

I do so love MY cock. He knows this. So knocking him down a few pegs is not a bad thing.

πŸ’‹β™₯οΈπŸ’‹ Kisses

Going to go enjoy my eggs now.

It’s official, trainable

Well. It’s official. Today I reached out to my old naturopath to see about forming a partnership to implement a modified Gerson protocol and be able to offer specialized colonics to clients; coffee, probiotics, electrolytes, nutrients, supplements and what I’m most excited about (drum roll please) oxygenated colonics. First feelers out, let’s see where this new road leads. It might seem like a small thing but to me this is a monumental step towards where I want to be in life.

I used to think colon hydrotherapy was enough of a niche market but now I see that the need exists for much more specialized healing modalities and having myself been cured with The G.T. I know the value of it. I also know the load our bodies are under physically, mentally, emotionally and energetically. I think a combination of clearing out all of the shit (literally and figuratively) will bring about the natural healing people are desperately seeking in the world. I see it. I’ve known it. I’ve done it and still do it for myself. I can’t just sit back and not help. I just can’t.

Part of me is fearful about it. About all those naturopaths that have been found dead of “mysterious” causes over the last few years. But I refuse to let fear stop me. If this is where God wants and needs me then I will keep getting clear signs of it. Which I already believe I have been. Everyone has to follow their own rainbows in life. It’s not for others to always understand or agree with. I never imagined myself here in life but I feel so deeply blessed to be able to help people in whatever capacity I can.

——–

Let’s be gross for a second. I’m still on this modified Jensen Protocol. I am amazed at what is coming out of my digestive system. Those diagrams of unhealthy colons that show bacteria. OMG. Looks exactly like that. Sluffed off bacteria. Disgusting!! But like I tell my clients when we see weird stuff in the view tube “better out than in”. Lol

——–

I will be the first to admit when I’m being a hypocrite. So I can recognize I am one with Brad. I expect him to change his behaviors to suit me. He himself has told others that he is “still around” because he is trainable. This is completely accurate. That’s not to say that I don’t make accommodations for him. I absolutely do. It’s just that I have no intentions of modifying myself. I am perfectly happy with me “as-is”*. Any changes to my psyche are off my own volition alone.

Of course there are so many things I don’t discuss here that I absolutely adore about him and our relationship. Things that are so sweetly “delicate”** and just between him and I. I can’t possibly share everything. Te he he.

The Secret – Michael Parkes

——-

*As Is – Ani Difranco

**Delicate – Damien Rice

Don’t ask me why I picked these songs. They have a bit more negative connotation than I wanted to incorporate, but they popped in my head. I like them. Not much more to it than that really and me wanting to share what’s swimming around in my head. Lol

KissesπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

It’s Possible……

I’ve been asked repeatedly

“What do you want your relationship to look like?

What’s your ideal sex life?

What do you want in a partner?”

These are all good and valid questions. The problem I have with them is that being in a relationship and loving someone requires a second person. It’s not a solo event. And this other person is not only crucial; they help chart the course. It’s like asking me to navigate the sea without a map, GPS or the sun and stars in the sky.

Sure I have ideas and expectations, but once the second party shows up for the grand event all that can fall out the fucking window and I’m rather okay with that. The dynamic, how I feel and the relationship itself will far supersede most of my fantasies in ways I can’t even imagine now; I’m sure. That is my real presumption. That is my true ideal.

But yes, I suppose for my own edification I can provide an outline; but it seems comical to me to do so… as the person who’s deeply involved in this as well isn’t here. But ok. Here goes:

The bones of it are….

A man that adores me and shows me in a million little ways: through romantic gestures, thoughtfulness & loving touch. A man that knows me so well he can anticipate my own needs before I even can and shows me his love with every nuance of his being. A man that not only allows me to be myself entirely but gives me the space and support I need to be more, to reach further.

He would be a good communicator and emotionally open to me. He would always mean what he says and say what he means; even if I didn’t like it 100% of the time. He would plan nice things to do or take me to; new adventures. At the core it would lead into a family life together as I still have little munchkins to finish molding into adults.

Yet outside of that we would have this fantastic and wildly kinky sexual life where I could be allowed to play in the ways I like to play. Which would include at least:

Pegging, multiple orgasms, edging, BDSM, having their body be completely open and accessible to me at all times, tons of fun and loads of play with an ample amount of frivolity and of course while I want to lead the relationship and the sex; I also want to be topped. Because that sometimes feels very yummy, but I probably run a lot more vanilla than submissive.*

I obviously would want him to have his own financial stability. Be a man that knows how to take care of himself and has his life pretty set with really only needing me to make it spectacular.

I would ideally like a say in all aspects of his world and be completely let in to everything he does, everything he thinks, his deepest desires, his fears, his longings, his happiness, his dreams. I would like say in his wardrobe, his decisions. I want communication to know where he is, what he is doing and I also do so very much enjoy giving tasks. (This does NOT necessitate constant communication. Ask my ex husband. I never called him at work. Reality isn’t oblivious to me. Lol)

Chastity is something I would also like to hold. I would like to be in complete control of his release. When it happens. How it happens and negate him at my wish. The though tantalized me tremendously. My mouth is watering now even just writing about it.

I may be ever so tiny bit of a control freak. Lol. I can admit it…I’m ok with it, but at my core I am a charitable and loving person. The happiness of those I love is tantamount to my own happiness and without that there is nothing. So there is balance there…. I think.

That’s it really. I’m not sure how much of an outline this really is or how close it will be to reality. When the second half finally arrives to take his place. That’s all yet to be decided…. really…. isn’t it? I can leave a space open for that….. because if I’ve learned anything in life it’s that absolutely everything is subject to change…and I’m alright with that.

As long as at the base is deep respect, love like no other, trust, passion, deep understanding and awesome sex……. then really. I mean….what else can a girl ask for? A guy that truly loves her and has her needs and happiness at the forefront, before even his own. Well….any girl would be lucky to have that…and I’m happy to wait for it. πŸ˜‰

______

*I’ve been told I’m a terrible submissive; excruciatingly slow, bratty, defiant, horrendously stubborn and can’t follow protocols to save my life. lol. I don’t have a problem with any of that, because honestly I don’t care. It’s for my pleasure, soooo…. whatever. I’m not trying to be good at it.