To fap or not to fap, life balance

I was reading this fascinating story earlier today about fap. It got me thinking about my own abstinence. Even when I’ve gone long stretches of time without partnered sex I still masturbate to completion. I think in my entire adult life I’ve never gone more than a couple months without sexual stimulation and release. I’ve always wondered could I, would I and should I abstain? And the resounding answer for me has always been absolutely not.

I need those oxytocin and endorphine releases desperately. Lack of orgasms only leads to frustration, moodiness, and depression. And orgasms are like a giant cure all for me. Like the Band-Aids that used to relieve all ailments when my girls were too little to know better. I can be sick, tired, grouchy, angry, hungry; sex will (at least temporarily) remedy almost anything…. especially good sex.

Maybe this has more to do with nymphomania than normal behavior, maybe not, no matter. I’ll take it. How often can one thing consistently make all things better?

All the same I’ve turned Brad down a few times now for sex, which I assured him would never happen when we first started dating. Why? It’s always been a combination of exhaustion and not wanting to be man-handled.

When I’m that tired I need him to not only put in almost all the effort but I also need to be treated very tender and lovingly. That is not in his wheelhouse…..yet. And I don’t want either of us frustrated so it’s easier to just abstain. I’m all for the inherent learning curve necessary for a new skill, but just not at that point. Because at that point I’m a horrible teacher. Think old pursed-lips Catholic School marm and replace her ruler with exasperated sighs and looks of complete disdain.

Doesn’t that sound wretched? No one wants that? Well…..lol…. I don’t. I don’t want to be that. So I turned him down again last night after not having sex for a few days. It’s a long period for us. He asked if this was our relationship now, if we were getting old? I laughed. I know I should explain things better to him but I don’t want him disappointed in himself. I don’t want him frustrated. Maybe I’m not giving him enough benefit of the doubt. Maybe I’m not letting him in enough. These are things to consider.

This relationship is challenging me in ways I had not seen coming. It’s not a bad thing. If anything it’s intriguing to learn new things and have new experiences. Turning down sex is definitely one of those new things; completely new in the context of a loving relationship. Lol. Who knew I had it in me?

——-

My life is off balance. Brad due to his injuries is not a very active person, athletically speaking. Exercise beyond sex is not on the agenda. Now that he is in my life my yoga/gym routine has fallen to the wayside and been replaced with many, many, many meals out. You can imagine what this has done to my waist line? It’s there somewhere…. I think. I just hit my absolute weight height yesterday. The one I promised myself I would never pass again. I am a fraction of a pound there. The horror!!!!!!

I absolutely can’t cut anything else out though, except sleep. Sooo. I may have to do what I used to do in my youth. Wake up at the crack of dawn to have an exercise routine. Consistency is necessary in any endeavor but most especially exercise. I’m not looking forward to it but I see no other way. Nothing else can be shuffled around. My house is already a mess. I have no where else to draw time from. Luckily I’m a morning person, so once I roll myself out of bed I’ll be fine. It’s the rolling out that early that will be a huge challenge at first. I sometimes wish that George Jetson bed existed in real life.

The one that pops you out of bed, dresses you, brushes your teeth and sets you on the way. I used to love that show. We’ll be there soon enough. At which point I’ll hate it and complain abysmally about laziness, complacency and computers running our lives. No wait. I already complain about all that. Lol

πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ’–

Christmas Nap?

Is it naptime? I’m a bit tired and just so glad this day has come and soon will be gone.

Finished Elf and Christmas with the Kranks. Gonna start dinner soon. Tri-tip, mashed potatoes, roasted brussel sprouts, stuffing (dont ask, just craving it), homemade cornbread and chocolate cake.

Hoping for Christmas sex later. Fingers crossed. Ever since Brad installed the grading system for my orgasms he has been striving and hitting top marks; high 8’s and 9’s. Woot woot!! It makes me really look forward to sex….more than before. Which is hard for me to even believe.

And there are still a bunch of gifts under the tree from him to me that I plan to open when he gets here. I can honestly say I have never had so many gifts under the Christmas Tree before. Growing up my mom I always had very lean holidays and the one time my mom did go a bit overbaord we had a break-in and all the gifts got stolen.

——-

I’ve never had any partner that was good at buying me gifts. Brad is breaking that pattern. I hope he is breaking many more. I was almost afraid he wouldn’t come today. I know he is a little anxious about it and he wasn’t feeling well this morning. He has so many health issues. It used to worry me but now it just makes me sad. I care for him so much and I wish he would commit to doing the Gerson Therapy with me. I hope to have that up and going by February. He hasn’t said he would. Maybe he won’t. It might be a sticking point.

I can see myself being resentful. There is a huge divide between our lifestyles as it is; which worries me. Let alone how drastic things will be when I start the therapy again. It’s so involved and life altering. Knowing what’s in store I have no issue with it but coming from a different world like he is….well. Let’s see how it goes.

I haven’t talked to anyone today except my dad. It’s a bittersweet thing. I don’t feel social. I don’t feel like reaching out to anyone. I guess after too many years of this people have stopped reaching out to me. And add to that the divorce which made people unsure which one of us to support and how. It all makes perfect sense. Logical. Still hurts a tiny little bit. Not enough to keep dwelling on it though Dinner wont make itself. πŸ€ͺ

Wishing you a very sweet and merry Christmas day. πŸŽ„β˜ƒοΈβ„οΈ

Kisses πŸ’‹πŸ’–

“Nothing Else Matters”- Metallica, Christmas conversations

The truth is the truth

No matter how great or horrific it may be

And it seems we get further and further from that

———–

When you know nothing matters

We all die

It all will end one day

And nothing and no one will exist

So all that matters then is the here and now

What I can control is my mindset and my actions/reactions

So all I can do is make those count

And I sleep much better at night

Trying to lead my life with my heart*

All I can do is my best.

I’ve always said I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I get that.

But hey man

At the end of the day

I just want to be happy.

Don’t we all?

Or do some of us truly want misery?

I like to believe we don’t.

I’ve never seen anyone who truly seemed to prefer it.

There are people that mire in it

That dont know a better way

That succumb to fear, anger and hatred

But even then……..

They have hearts

We all have them

Beautiful or rancid as they may be

———

*We all miss the mark now and then

———————

May God help us all not make truly horrible mistakes, make amends as much as absolutely possible for those we do make and achieve forgiveness. Especially for ourselves.

——

Symphony for the Devil – Rolling Stone

—–

Who am I?

Eventually nothing and no one will exist on this planet

Morbid as that may sound

It is merely stating reality as we know it to be

So if I only know this life

I only know being this self

Who do I want to be?

(No matter who or what the circumstances should dictate. Dig deep and ask…..)

Who am I really?

And do I fucking like that person?

—-++++++++++

It’s always much better to start in a place of complete acceptance for who you are BEFORE attempting any changes to that.

But I’m one to talk Miss as soon as I’m healthy and financially able to wants to get a full mommy make-over. Talk about stupidity. Lol. I get the irony**. Trust me!

——

**I don’t think irony is the right word here but it is the commonly known accepted understanding of that word I believe. I love English, but studying it is lame. It doesn’t make sense sooooo much. They should offer that class at University level if they don’t already. “The rules English breaks or don’t make any sense at all.” May have to be two semesters. πŸ˜‹.

And don’t get me started on why we don’t use the metric system and such. No!!! Let’s not use a very easy to understand and logical unit of measurement that everyone else in the world uses. πŸ™„

Even Santa has Elves

I was unsure how I was going to get my tiniest bratlet another Christmas present. To say I was panicking a bit is an understatement. So when Brad stepped up and bought all three girls their “Santa” gifts I was so touched. I suppose that it would be hard to understand that because it caused me so much deep gratitude I was not able to really thank him verbally. It’s just that I’m so emotional sometimes with these kind of things especially concerning those damn kidlets that I can just see myself breaking down into a huge blubberball trying to say anything.

Today he is buying all the ingredients for our Christmas dinner. I’m planning a huge ham dinner with all the trimmings. This will be the first Christmas with another character in the mix, and the girls have mixed reviews. Up until last year we were still spending all holidays with their father….. and truthfully that wasn’t horrendous. It just wasn’t ideal and I knew it was probably confusing for them.

So now they are spending Christmas Eve with their father. Then we are all going to his great aunt and uncle’s for dinner and then the girls and I will do our usual spending all day in pajamas, opening presents and overeating yummy goodies for Christmas day. I can’t wait. I can’t remember the last time I was actually truly looking forward to Christmas this much. I recognize it may not go off without a few glitches, but such is life. Handle it as it comes. Hope for the best.

I hope your day is Merry and bright today. Pa-rumpa-pum-pum.

———

Oh and that damn man. He has really got my orgasm hard wired. He has finally figured out exactly what it takes to make me orgasm and can now even extend my orgasms substantially. It’s phenomenal!!

I still have fears and worries. I still am hesitant to believe my desires could lead to true happiness. We still argue. But right now I’m just going to let myself float on this soft, warm nebulous cloud of affection and adoration. “Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.”πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‰πŸ’‹πŸ’–

Chicken heads, damn parasites, Christmas wish

Is it just me or does everyone feel like a chicken with it’s head cut off right now? I don’t know if you’ve ever actually seen this in real life. Let me tell you; it’s memorable. I went to this family’s house once to see if they would let my aunt adopt their upcoming baby. They didn’t, but they did offer us homemade chicken mole poblano while we were there for the meet and greet. It was spectacularly yummy, even with the stomach queasy show.

They guillotined the thing on a wood block in the front yard. The head stayed in place and the body started running around rapidly hitting anything in it way. It was an odd spectacle until the wind died out of it and it crashed to the floor. Then they boiled the skin to get the feathers off. Quite the bit of work for a meal.

Why am I even thinking of this? Maybe because it’s a much better thought than all the things I still have to do to get ready for Christmas. OMG. So much!! No clients until the day after Christmas though. Phew. Still have 6 packages to get out. All except two can wait until after the holidays.

I also have to go make a police report at some point soon here. Bandits stole my mail and packages out of my mailbox and the one thing I know was in there was an eBay return. Fortunately covered by eBay’s insurance but not without a police report or the attempt and verification of such attempt. I get it. But just one more thing on my never ending list of things to do. Not complaining. It’s fine. This I actually find kind of comical really.

I didn’t find out the reason for the return but they were two used T84 calculators, probably not even usable. Soo. Ha ha. Meanwhile I’ll get paid. My client will get paid and the buyer will get reimbursed. Couldn’t have worked out better actually. Except hopefully I don’t keep getting targeted by bandits; one armed or not. Lol

——-

I had a client today that came in for a back to back cleansing (two consecutive days). Yesterday I saw possible signs of blood in her digestive tract. Then today I decided we would go gentler and shorter time and right out the gate I see parasites. Uggghhhhh. I didn’t want to see them.

Even though it’s my firm belief we all have them seeing them forces my hand to actually tell her and in this case point them out so she could see them herself. This is actually the main reason I leave the room the first ten minutes of a person’s session. It’s so they get used to the sensation and function of the equipment without an observer present and also because nemotodes almost always come out at the very beginning. If I don’t see them I don’t have to mention it and trust me that the majority of people don’t want to hear about it.

I try to explain how common it is and how there are OTC remedies that can be easily researched and implimented without extensive laboratory testing and antibiotics. Cures that make your entire body into an inhospitable host and the parasites purge themselves. No one wants to talk about it. I’ve given up really but if I see them I feel absolutely obligated to tell people. Just as if I detect possible blood. Those are my two absolute tells, because at that point something needs to be done beyond my services.

Candida, solid fat globules, undigested foods, while not optimal aren’t threatening enough for me to skirt breaking the law. I am not a doctor. I can not diagnose or prescribe anything. Any protocol I mention to clients is only one I have done and believe in from my own experience and one I advocate they research themselves before trying. Also why I don’t sell products or upsell services. Not my thing. The reiki I am offering as a free adjunct.

Funny story there.

I was demonstrating to my client yesterday how reiki should work and I was holding my hands over his tummy (not touching it) and I said “my intention is for you to release. I am using energy to send a signal to your body to purge” and I kid you not, mere seconds later he purged…. where he had been running clear a stretch.

I laughed and just chopped it up to coincidence. That’s how I will work this “energy healing”. It will all be just a beautiful coincidence. πŸ˜‰ Because truly it is out of my hands. I just give it to God. Right? What else is there? I didn’t create this energy. I am just happy to be here, as a vessel, as a conduit for healing. I think we are all capable. I’m just doing it, or trying at least. Lol

Hoping you’re holidays have been merry and bright and if they haven’t been go out and stare at some Christmas lights, with some yummy hot beverage in hand and listen to some Christmas carolers or some sweet nostalgic Christmas tunes. Somehow that combination seems to be a real game changer for me when I’m feeling curmudgeon.

KissesπŸ’‹πŸ’–πŸ’‹

Deviant play, Christmas stresses

I love to play. I love that sex can be playful and role playing is at the very top of the list for me. I love having a partner willing to try anything. But because we have taken a few steps back trying to solidify the foundation of our relationship, intense play has not been very prominent in our sex; especially not exhibitionist play which Brad loves so much.

I remember in my youth loving having sex in places where you could maybe, almost get caught. It’s a thrill unlike any other…. to come so close to it. The thrill of possibly being watched. Reminds me of the first official date with Brad. It was very much like a BDSM Penthouse story.

We were suppose to be meeting for sushi. We decided to go for a walk beforehand and met in the parking lot. I loved the way he looked; so shy and out of place and when he saw me he smiled so brightly.

We walked and talked casually, but there was sexual tension between us. We walked through a secluded riverside park and stopped at a bench. He kissed me and spanked my ass and it didn’t take much more. Soon we we’re hot and heavy and I was moaning and squealing with delight when he heard boats trying to get closer to us.

I blurted out “let’s get a motel” and less than 20 minutes later we we’re having wild sex. We both realized that this was the beginning of something great and even though we we’re breaking one of my cardinal rules (he had a girlfriend at the time), I couldn’t say that it was stopping us at all. Hard to explain to a guy that’s not your usual MO, but fortunately he didn’t care.

——–

Yesterday I asked him to role play emotional sadism for me. I wanted to see if A) it would break me down a bit or at the very least make me cry B) it would bring me closer to him. But here is the crux of BDSM. There has to be some real fear but you don’t want to play with people you can’t trust. I trust him. I know he loves me. I know he adores me.

My body issues have never been an issue to him on any level. He likes my idiocyncracies. He takes advantage of them. He ties my breast and tortures them. He squeezes my tummy. He tells me not to die my hair from grey because he doesn’t want men pursuing me. Not sure if that’s an underhanded insult or not, but still.

So I told him exactly what to say that I thought would cut through to me. At one point I was kind of close to crying, but I didn’t and we both laughed at how idiotic all his complaints and berating me was. How silly it all sounded and how much neither one of us truly believed he meant a word if it.

He seemed to think a stranger delivering those messages would have worked better but I would never let that happen. Sooooo. There is the crux. Maybe I’m better off letting him hurt me until I cry but I have been wanting less and less pain lately. I think I’m moving away from it a bit. But once in a while, when I designate it is nice.

I have been wanting to cry and I want him to be there to pick me up but I’m not sure how to get there. There is one thing he does that makes me teary eyed every time. Something I’ve tried hiding. Everytime he holds me in his arms and recaps the difficulties in my life and then tells me how much he loves me. He tells me how I don’t have to carry it all alone anymore, how he is here for me.

How I can lean on him for anything. That he would do anything in the world for me. That I am safe in his arms and he will protect me forever. Those are things I’ve longed to feel and be told for so very long. Guess I’m more damsel in distress than I’ve cared to admit. I now I’m capable. I know I’m strong. I know I can and want to be as much his rock as he is mine. But I’m still learning things about myself. Guess that’s a good thing.

——

I can’t believe Christmas is next week. Jeezus. Where did this year go? I made a HUGE mistake yesterday too. I accidentally let my 6 year old help me in the garage forgetting her Barbie Jeep from santa was not covered. Uggghhhhh. After I worked so hard and drove so far to find a decent used one to fix up for her. Now what? She knows it’s not from Santa now. Mom fail! I tried to brush it off but the damage was done. Now I have to go spend more money on a different Santa gift. For fucks sakes. Lol. I can’t have rich people problems. I’m not rich!!! Ay yay yay.

This isn’t even counting that I haven’t even sent out all my Christmas cards or the few small gifts for my neices and nephew or my great aunt and uncle. They aren’t much but it still needs to get mailed. Sometime between my clients today I have to get this done. No pressure! Where are those little cobbler elves when you need them? Can they be trained to do more than shoe work?

Ba humbug!!