And I rise up

I am disappointed in myself. Last night was bad.

I have a few choices here; wallow, self loath, chastise, forget about it, justify and excuse it, or rise up.

I have experience with all of these and I can say with absolute certainty which single one is the right choice. It is after all a choice. It always comes down to a choice.

Who am I? Who do I choose to be? When things are hard, when I fail myself and others, what is my course of action afterwards? Because it is inevitable that I will fail someone, probably most especially myself…. many more times in this life.

Also then too, with all this struggling with wanting to reach out to Brad too. I’m scared. Truly, legitimately scared to see who I am attracted to next; to see who I gravitate towards. Part of me wants to run back to the comfort and security of his arms. It took a massive amount of self talk last night to not just show up at his house. It really helped that he lives an hour away. Lol

My final thought on that this morning is “what do I deserve?”. If I settle for shitty friends and a lover that can’t give me what I need, then I’m telling the universe, and more importantly myself, that this is what I think I deserve.

I need to show up for myself. I need to be my own cheerleader. I need to be my strongest and biggest advocate and rise up for myself each and every day, each and every moment of that day.

And if I stand alone, so be it. I’d rather stand alone than be surrounded by people that don’t truly love and appreciate me for who I am. For people that don’t show me respect and treat my happiness as a source of their own happiness. And how do I demonstrate that this is what I deserve? Well….. by giving it to myself first.

And so….. yes…. I goofed. I let myself down. I screwed up. But the choice is…..

Do I strive to be the best me I can be? Do I just let it all go to hell? Or do I simply settle for something easy and comfortable in between these extremes? I have a choice. Here is where true strength comes in. And here is where I am so thankful for faith. Because me, singularly, alone in this world, am but a fallible and frail human specimen.

But I can draw from divinity. I can tap in to that which is so much more than this simple human shell.

I definitely don’t have any real definitive, go to, step by step answers here. But I know now more than ever that I want to be A Simple (Wo)man.

I need and want to be satisfied. Our natural human tendency is to always want more and better and to strive for it constantly; often with great dissatisfaction. And honestly, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of comparing myself to anyone but the best version of me at any given time. That’s the only comparison I need in the world and it’s one only I can truly evaluate.

So…….

Today is a new day. The possibilities are endless. I’m going to choose me. I’m going to rise up for myself; here and now. Will I fail myself again? Yes, inevitably. Will I rise again? That’s up to me.

But right now I feel very certain of one thing. This is the right path for my soul and……

I am deserving of my own love, my own forgiveness, my own compassion and my own devotion. I’m going to let this little light of mine shine. Because no one else can do that for me. And I deserve to be happy. I deserve to let myself be fully me. And it may be a battle in this world to do that sometimes, but 🤷🏽‍♀️. I got nothing better to do here really. Because that seems to truly be the most important thing I can think of to do and be here; me. A light in this dark world I hope, but I can and need to do this for myself. And it is just an additional blessing if anyone else can see and feel that.

But…… I have to get there. I know the destination; to be completely secure and content within myself. The path, though, will have to reveal itself as I go; moment by moment. This feels like the beginning, but I have been here the whole time and just never really gave it my full attention. I let myself get carried away with things that didn’t matter; with distractions and amusements, with things that took me further away from the path I truly wanted to be on. It will happen again, I’m sure.

It’s strange to feel so at peace on the heels of a really hard and painful day. But such seems to be life; at least my life. It’s a matter of just making the best choice possible for myself, at any given moment, without stress or pressure to be more than I am, more than who I need to be. To do things with love for myself first and foremost.

It’s a bold move this new stance. But….

Here goes. 💋

Faith

I play Word Chums daily. I enjoy it very much. I play mostly with my mom and Jay-lynn. Once in a while I’ll play a random person. So last night I played the word faith, after I wrote that last blog entry. Then when I played this morning the exact same word came up for me. I thought it was funny so I went to look at which game I played that word on and realized I had not played it at all. I had dreamt I played it last night and then actually played it today.

I realize this also because I am remembering, now fully awake, that I didn’t play Word Chums after that post. I instead laid in bed trying to meditate and relax; while tossing about a bit.

So it makes it even more stark for me; more poignant. I am not sure I even would have remembered the dream had playing the word not sparked the memory. And now thinking about it reaffirms the meaning of it to me.

I really need to have faith right now. I’ll start with faith in myself. I’ll start with faith in the world. I’ll continue with faith in the divine nature of things we can not see or understand playing out; around us and within us. I’ll come to understand no matter what happens that it is how it is meant to be in this one lifespan. I will have faith. I will let it all go to faith.

I think that’s my best bet right now and more importantly it’s the thing that gives me the most peace of mind. Knowing that I don’t get to be privy to all the wheels in motion that affect my life, but accepting that whatever good comes my way I am worthy of and any bad that comes my way has its own reason for being.

Faith seems illogical and dumb to some people and I completely get why. But it is a comfort bigger than myself. It is like the warm embrace of an unconditionally loving guardian. It is the shield that protects my heart from breaking too much, too hard, too irrevocably. It is the thing that gives reason to the unreasonable. It is what lets me hold compassion for it all…. and that is not nothing. To me right now it is everything. Absolutely everything!

🥰🌹💋🙏🏽❣️

Loneliness is a trend, utterly human

We live in a more and more isolated world. Which is strange because we are so easily connected and there are just so many of us, too.

Statistically, people are lonelier now than even two years ago, and as it has been well reported… people that are heavy into social media are more depressed and feel even lonelier than the average person.

So feeling lonely can be seen as actually being quite common and normal nowadays. And even though most people having meaningful relationships in their lives it does not seem to take away from the strong feelings of isolation.

I get that. I get that very well. I was also wondering what impact this new Chinese flu will have on the world. We already see how it’s gotten into so many different countries now. China is on lockdown. People are scared. Isolation seems the right course of action. But……is it?

——-

Today was a productive day. Yearly physical, blood work, girl visit, and STD check. 5 loads of laundry done. Another bushel of paperwork finished for the housing program. The doctor said I may have fractured my kneecap; maybe. It’s a possibility we have to rule out at least; via x-ray.

I’m feeling rather melancholic. Not sure if it’s the weather. I am also missing Brad. I had all this resolve when we first broke up and now I’m wavering; but keeping myself busy. The best revenge to a break-up is to be your best self possible and find someone who is a better fit and makes you even happier. Right? Theoretically.

I am no where near that motivated right now. I’m knee deep in where’s that box of chocolates and let’s watch my ass get fatter mode. Add on the “what Netflix show should I start up?” mode.

Feeling utterly human and frail. Suppose I don’t have much choice in that; being as how I’m human and all.

I’m remembering this picture a woman drew once. It was a picture of Wonder Woman in Superman’s embrace. She was crying and he was comforting her. I told her I’d love that as a tattoo and honestly havn’t thought about it again until just now.

I am a strong person. I had to be. So then it stands to reason I need someone strong by my side, but I’m not talking physical strength really; I’m talking emotional strength. I say this, yet I have no idea who or what life will present.

Wouldn’t it be true that as I change and grow and let go of my baggage a broader range of possibilities may become available? I like to think so. But this is me going out on a limb of faith here.

All hail to the possibilities.

❣️🙏🏽💋🌹🥰

Epsom Salt

I really listen to what people tell me works for them. I write down notes. I research products. I don’t discredit anything or anyone for their opinions on their own healthcare management. And I do this for purely selfish reasons. To help myself and my loved ones, to have a footnote for what may work in other situations, and to be a better overall therapist. This is a job. But it’s also a job that truly fascinates me and because of that I enjoy absorbing and learning as much as a I can about it.

I’ve seen some crazy diets, protocols and detoxes come through. Again, not my place to judge but I always question the results, directly to people too; mostly for my own edification.

Something that I’ve noticed is that most of these recipes do not induce the liver to expell bile. Why this is important with any detox protocol seems very obvious to me. The liver is the powerhouse cleaning center for your entire blood system. The more it purges and creates fresh bile the better it will work; theoretically. Just doesn’t hurt to clear out the filter. Does it?

The one, most simple, most effective thing I’ve seen for myself and proved with client experiences and visually seeing in sessions that works very well is pure old fashioned, plain Epsom Salt. Now, yes it tastes absolutely horrible. Granted. But so what? So does castor oil. So does the original Hulda Clark parasite protocol tincture. But they work. That’s the main thing. That’s what counts.

But I know because I have a hard time convincing my own kids to take these things, that some people won’t do it. It’s fine. But with my liver smarting I’m just happy to have something readily available, cheap, effective, safe and handy that relieves the burden on that organ so swiftly. Although I may need two doses today.

Starting next week, I’m going to do the parasite cleanse along with the mucoid plaque flush again. That will be 3 weeks. Then I’ll move right into 3 liver/gallbladder flushes back to back with two weeks between each one. I think that’s the ideal and recommended minimum span between cleanses, but pushing it out 3-4 weeks would be ok too. Depends on my own recovery time. These can be quite grueling. I am lucky to have my own colonic equipment here because the morning of the liver flush is really rather difficult.

So….yep. No clients today. So right now, I’m just here on the couch with a castor oil pack on my liver. Gonna take it easy all morning and then after lunch get going on the garage project. So happy to get that started and hopefully completed today. 60-90% chance of rain. Looks so gloomy out.

Right about this time is when it starts wearing on me just a little. The almost constant gloom. It makes me long for warm sunny beaches, sand under my feet, waves crashing on my ankles, floppy hat on, sunglasses never off my face. Nice to dream. Better to deal with reality. This enema isn’t going to give itself. Lol 💋

🙈🙉🙊

❣️🥰🌹💋

Self Assessment

I’m always self evaluating myself; especially when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I also try to do this a few times during the day.  Take a couple deep breaths; relax my body and just check in.  “Hey, how’s it going?  How you feeling?  Tense anywhere?  What’s going on up in that brain?  Everything ok?”. Not trying for anything particular really; just seeing where I am. 

It’s just a minute or so of me stopping everything.  Helps me keep things in perspective.  Helps me see if I am neglecting something.  Helps slow down the world for a moment and take it in.  Maybe seems silly but those moments help me stay calm and be more purposeful. 

Today I realize I am feeling rather ambivalent and that feels good; it’snot in a way that expresses not caring, but rather in a way that is accepting and holds no expectations. 

I also realize that over the last week or so I’ve morphed my personalized playlist into playing way too many damn romance songs.   Ugghhh.  And I am definitely not feeling that today. 

Gonna have to figure out for myself what I want to listen to today song by song I guess.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I can’t take anymore Billie Holiday and Sade songs right now.  🙄

😝💋🥰❣️

Nothing Else Matters – Metallica

It’s silly.  Silly to think about getting married again.  I’m closer to the age when people start to get widowed than married.  Lol

But it does cross my mind and lately this is the song I have been thinking would be a good first dance song.  Except it’s isn’t really a dance song and it’s kind of sad sounding.  

I obviously can’t make these decisions.  It’s a mutual choice based on shared emotion.  The first song should be one that means something to both people; something they share.  If you don’t have a song, how will you have a marriage? Lol  Not that I know anything about anything.

But it’s a thought.  A silly thought.

🙈🙉🙊