Bubble bath time

Sans bubbles

8:37pm

I’m going to post this and update it all night. Trying something new.

———

Been watching the TV series Ray Donovan. I like it although I’m not sure any of the characters are all that likable.

8:48pm

I have been very blessed in this life to be loved for who I am. To be maybe not always understood but I do think truly seen by people and loved. Still loved. Deeply loved. That brings meaningful tears to my eyes. I wish I could give everyone the gift of feeling that.

8:58pm

9:09pm cheesy oldie but goodie

9:12pm

Is it sadder still that I’m not attributing these to anyone I’ve ever loved before? I’m thinking of something more like a whisper of a life longing.

Stoned bubble baths. Genius! Music choices questionable. ðŸĪŠðŸĪ”ðŸĪĢ

——

I have to take the middle in for counseling. Even she is, in trying to grasp her own medical issues, saying that maybe part of it is psychological. Yet that brings us no closer to any clarity about remedying it. I’d like to put her on anti-anxiety medication. I’ll have to talk to her doctor. If she listened to me at all maybe I could help her. But she’s one of those teenagers where nothing mom says is cool or worth listening to. So fucking frustrating!!

9:30pm

Harsh. Yea. I was feeling a bit unworthy for a second. Nothing like feeling you suck at things you care a whole heck of a lot about. Then too why, what would make me think myself worthy of a golden soul love. I have no idea. I don’t claim to be better or worse than anyone. I was going to switch gears. Listen to some more secular tunes but then the song above came on. Maybe my next switch should be to something more erotic. Lol.

If only I could get the comfort of a bed alone. 🙄🙄🙄. Is this all single moms? Or all parents in general? I can’t say. Hmmmm. I’m not in enough parent circles obviously. Oh well.

——

Maybe I should accept that there is an ever small possibility that this obsession I have with love is a coping mechanism of some kind. And then I only have to ask, has it been a helpful or hurtful one? That’s too heady for right this moment. I don’t know the numbers on any of this. Lol

9:51pm

Does that song feel like a bit of a gut punch to anyone else?

—–+

It’s a lot harder to play by the rules when one realizes that everyone is playing by a different set of them. Whether they be financial, societal, spiritual, familial or what have you. It makes you wonder why we are all so pitted against each other. Doesn’t it? No? It just seems both inefficient and hostile to me when with enough logistics and will of the people solutions could be found that benefit everyone somehow. The wonders of a win/win. Elusive as it may be. Yep. Naive. I’m sure. Probably. ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļ

10:55pm this song doesn’t even constitute a love song and yet…. doesn’t it feel like one?

And with that I’m going to bed.

Goodnight.💋ðŸĨ°âĢïļðŸĨ°ðŸ’‹ðŸ’Ī

Anxiety sucks

A commercial came on the TV for anxiety medication and the teenager says “doesn’t everyone have anxiety?” and I couldn’t help but laugh. Then she says “especially from adulting”. This girl gets it. Lol

I have always had it, as far back as I remember. So I don’t know what it’s like to not have it. When I was very little I had a span of time I would scratch my head so much in this one spot that I was bald there.

So today, I’ve had this nagging anxiety all morning. But I can’t help but laugh at how I’m managing it. It started in with me immediately, first thing. It came and told me:

Anxiety: something is wrong
Me: what?
anxiety: we’re lonely
me: ok, so?
Anxiety: we have to do something about this!
Me: ok what?
Anxiety: let’s put up a tinder ad
Me; okay, walk me through that. Then what? Do you remember how much time and energy dating took before? You prepared for that? That’s what you really want? Remember how you felt before every date?
Anxiety: excited?
Me: anxious!
Anxiety: oh yea, well. That’s totally normal but yea…it was a time suck. Ok….. Umm. How about an event?
Me: (finds no femdom events tonight) let’s get some stuff done today and maybe we can go to the club later if you feel up to it and have the energy still. Yes?
Anxiety: phew. Ok. Yea. Great. Thanks. I feel better. Yes.

Silly conversations I have with myself, but basically I humored it, instead of ignoring it, chastising it, belittling it. I walked it through to something more plausible that would satisfy us both and just like that it got tabled.

I’ll address it again when it comes back. It always does. I’ve learned that if I disregard it and let it run rampant and loose like a Tasmania devil it creates way too much havock. So I have to address it. This time it was logical. Sometimes it isn’t. Emotions are erratic at best. And each time they come they manifest a little differently. So it’s best to just handle them as they come and not let it overwhelm me.

I sometimes wonder what that little girl who didn’t speak and would ram herself full force into walls used to think about life. How difficult it was for her to process her world. I don’t know that it’s gotten all that much easier, I’ve just learned better coping skills. Fortunately I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well too, which helps and remembering too that this life is just a work in progress.

Lately, a lot of it is believing that none of this fucking matters one bit. That at the end the only thing I’ll truly care about is who I let myself become, how I responded to my life and what I did with my time here. Did I let my heart speak? Did I nurture my own soul? Was I a positive influence in any way at all, when given the chance to be so? It won’t matter what I saw, what happened to me, who was around, where, when, how any of life came at me. It will only matter what I did with it. The choices I make. Who I let myself be.

When it’s all said and done and I am judged for this all. I want to know I lived up to my own expectations…… but that’s not a one and done thing. It’s a lifelong, moment by moment endeavor. And well….. I’m truly fine with it that way. I don’t have much else going on anyway. Lol

Now this sounds totally contrary to my post about just letting myself be who I am and not caring about right and wrong and playing this ludicrous philosophical and esoteric game anymore. I still think both hold true. I do just want to be me. That seems more than good enough really. ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļ

Must be the Season of the Witch

Simply all of it / coping

I went and got my hair done at the salon today. It had been over a year. In fact, I had just started dating Brad last I went in. Unfortunately, my hairdresser is the sweetest girl, but also very talkative and asked a lot of questions and it was a bit exhausting having to talk about the break-up.

I was just telling the teenager tonight that she has to be her own best friend and give herself the emotional support her boyfriend used to give her. I know it’s not quite exactly the same. And I understand how she feels. Personally I’ve been dwelling a bit. Trying not to, but I have.

This is my own doing though. I wanted the possibility of finding someone that really gets me. Someone who understands how to navigate me and my needs and can plan a future with me. This wasn’t viable before; so here we are. Knee deep into the holidays with no one. It’s fine. Not the end of the world.

Life is a rigamarole of feelings. This is just a period of going through some of the not so great ones. This time will pass and the next thing will come; just as this lull will pass and the next love interest will appear. I can’t imagine being single forever. That’s just not me.

Which is funny because before I started writing this blog I was very much single, hadn’t dated much at all since my divorce. Didn’t have a lover. And I was handling it much better than I am now I feel.

Of course being on the heels of divorce I really wasn’t anxious to get back into anything serious. Now? I want to fall madly in love. I want to give my heart and soul to someone deserving of it. I want to make love and have a secret smile just for that one person. I don’t want to take anything for granted. But really quite simply…..I want it all. I do. Call me whatever you want. I don’t care.

This is my life. My one and only life; that I am consciously aware of. If I can’t live it by my own standards then what is the point? If I can’t go after what I want in this life then what is the purpose?

But maybe dying my hair wasn’t the absolute best idea. My scalp is sore and tender now. I keep saying I’m not going to. That I’m going to let it go all gray and then I dye it. Uggghhhhh. It’s this new single status thing.

I hate societal constructs of expectations of things that are idiotic at best. It’s that stark juxtaposition again. Being true to myself exactly as I am or aiming to be the best me possible (under who’s expectations exactly though?). I don’t know. I have no answers. Just a bunch of experiences and ruminations.

—–

I do know I am getting really super horny. I wish the mechanics of sex were just as easy for a woman as they are for a man. But I also think if that were the case I would probably be at the bar every night going home with someone new.

But I’m being simplistic. I’m sure it’s not all that easy. We women don’t really have performance anxiety. We don’t worry about the length and girth of our vagina’s. Not to say we don’t have a plethora of other insecurities and issues but at least those two aren’t usually on the list. Lol

Ay yay yay. What am I going to do with myself?

Gambling No

Drinking No

Binging No

Drugs No

Sex No

Guess I’m building new coping skills is what I’m doing. Had to be done at some point I spose. Now seems just as good as any other time. ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļ

Trying not to feel overwhelmed…

by my life. My house is in foreclosure* I’ve basically shuttered my eBay consignment business, at least temporarily. I’m trying to refocus on myself after this break up which will make for a lonely holiday season.** The teenager is dealing with her own and very first break-up. And worst of all of these is the health issues my middle is struggling with.

I’ve pulled her from school. She can’t leave the house. She is so miserable and she’s starting to get really depressed. I’m trying so hard to be her anchor and show support and encouragement but we have gotten no where and it seems to be getting worse.

When this is over I’m getting rid of that stupid couch. The image of her laying on it 24 hours a day with her sad face looking up at me, swallowing Dramamine like it’s candy, hoping for any bit of relief is an image I need gone from my existence.

The only specialist that seems to have any idea how to help her is of course not covered by her great insurance and will be costing thousands to try a two week therapy that may not even work. But right now seems the only shot we’ve got.

My heart has been racing at night. I’m trying to control my own anxiety and this has all just felt soo hard. I’m hoping and praying next year brings blessings and miracles because this one has been difficult in so many ways.

I do feel blessed that I have the strength and courage to walk through this challenge. Because I won’t back down. Just like Tom Petty sings about. But it doesn’t mean I want to keep fighting and struggling so much.

This one, my sensitive child, also asked me the other day, very seriously, why I broke up with Brad in the first place. She said I was happier when he was around. I explained to her the things I liked about him and how he made me feel but it got more complicated when I had the explain the ways I couldn’t depend on him and how we couldn’t figure out how to move forward together.

It did give me a good example for explaining how heartache is somewhat similar to her mystery illness in the way that eventually it will be gone. But in the thick of it, as she is now, can feel very overwhelming and never-ending. But that she has to believe it won’t be this way forever and she will be back to herself one day sooner than she realizes…. I hope. I say. Let it be so.

I don’t understand why I was given so much on my plate. And that whole life only gives you what you can handle is a bunch of BS. I’m a fairly optimistic and naive person but even that’s taking it too far for me.

At the end of the day I have to just accept that I’m doing my best moment to moment and that’s going to have to be enough. I’m going to have to be satisfied with that because what else is there? But watching your children suffer has got to be the worst part of this life for me and there has been so little I seem to be able to do about it. 😭😭😭

But I’m going to handle it. Like I handle everything else. Moving forward trying to find the silver lining, sunshine and rainbows along the way.

——

*Although technically stalled while we try to work on a loan mod.

**I was thinking back to that ridiculous dating extravaganza I went on two Christmas’ ago. I can’t even imagine having the energy or desire to do that again.

Mistressg3 (fiction?)

She had arrived at the club 20 minutes early. She settled in to the scene and swayed to the beat of the dance music as she picked some offerings from the buffet. They generally had good food at this particular sex club. But then again it is Portland, where isn’t there good food?

The bouncer came to her just after she had gotten a few mouthfuls in. He told her that her guest had arrived. She wondered if he was anxious or diligent and decided to reserve her punishment for much later when she garnered more information. Punctuality was appreciated but she had wanted those ten minutes to herself and even though she was still intent on taking them, she wanted to prove her point.

She had been talking to this man on FetLife quite a bit and he was so desirous to please her and play with her “in any capacity”, he kept saying. She decided out of the blue earlier in the week to give him a shot. She told him to meet her here at precisely 10pm. He paid her door fee, but otherwise she didn’t collect her $500 per evening.

She had made him jump through enough hoops to get here. She had tested his patience, his humor, his compassion, his demeanor, his intelligence. He had not only passed her expectations with his online persona but surpassed it with his wit and charm and more importantly his reverential persistence.

He wasn’t bad looking either. He wasn’t going to be on the cover of GQ, but there was definitely something intriguing and sexy about him. He was coquettish too and well…. he had her more enticed than she had felt in a very long time.

Still, no one gets a free pass. He had said anything and she had a world of subspace waiting to test him out. He had dabbled and most of his relationships seemed to fall in line with an FLR (Female Led Relationship). Still, he seemed green to her and she assessed that his body was very delicate. She wondered how this would go.

She took a few bites more, even more calmly than she would have before his arrival. Wiped her mouth gently, put on a fresh coat of lipstick and strode towards the front door at just the indicated time. He could not get in without her so he had no choice but to wait for her. He saw her approach and his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning and she knew this was going to be fun. She stifled a laugh.

“Come” she said holding out her hand before he could say a thing. He grabbed on and followed clumsily, holding the duffle bag she had asked him to bring. In it he stuffed all the sex toys he had, which were not very many at all. Then he added anything around the house that could be used as a toy. He tried to stay to the more obvious ones but he did pack a few surprises. He wondered what she would think.

She was more beautiful than he had even seen from her pictures. Her smile mesmerized him completely. It was a smile he knew was meant only for him and he wanted that moment of happiness to last forever, or at least all night.

As soon as they got to the main dance area she stopped abruptly and turned to face him standing a mere inch from him. Though he was taller than her, even with her 5″ heels, her Dominance felt as if she completely towered over him. He gulped.

“Give me your bag, get on all fours and follow me quickly to a private room so I can have my way with you. I don’t want a word or sound out of you. Do you understand?”

He gulped again. What in the world had he gotten himself into and how was this sweet and fascinating black eyed girl so menacing and seductive at the same time? He didn’t hesitate for one moment. He handed her the bag gently but quickly. Then got on all fours and even bowed for good measure. He couldn’t explain even to himself how this not only didn’t bother him but actually turned him on.

He wondered if anyone saw the bulge in his pants. He was so hard that the pain of the crawl was so intense it didn’t let any anxiousness cross his mind. This was very unlike him.

The walk went fast and soon she stopped, pulled him up by the collar of his shirt and grabbing him by the belt buckle pulled him into the room. There was nothing more than a bed with clean sheets on it and a side table with condoms and other quick necessities; tissues, wipes, lube. There was also one dimly lit wall sconce and a window with the drapes pulled shut that faced a hallway anyone could and would walk through.

She unbuckled his pants.

“I don’t want you to get too excited. We aren’t having sex. If you are very lucky, and I don’t see the chances good here, you will maybe be allowed to lick my pussy. But I am going to use your body for my sadistic pleasure of extreme pain and maybe, but again only if you’re really lucky and I really like what I see here tonight, I’ll let you take me to dinner one night next week.”.

She couldn’t help but laugh. Not just at the great fun this was but also at the noticeable bulge in his pants, which she quickly slapped. He winced.

“I will let you get undressed to your comfort level, I’m sure that will help your little friend here out a bit.”

She leaned back against the wall with her arms crossed as if she were a warden from a black and white movie. It sent shivers down his spine. He can’t remember ever being so turned on before. Once he was naked she examined him up and down, even walked around him like a drill sargent. She was so intense and passionate. He realized he was actually afraid she was going to really hurt him somehow. He was pretty sure he was thinking only his body, or was it also his heart? He shivered slightly.

But he didn’t mutter a word or make a sound, just as she asked, but he couldn’t help but grin at her. This was just a game, after all. For a split second she broke character and smiled back at him lovingly and that’s all he needed to feel momentarily safe again. Then she abruptly had him turn around facing the wall with his legs spread and his arms on the wall.

“Holy shit” he thought to himself. “What is she going to do to me?”.

He could hear her rummaging in his bag. She squealed with delight at a few things and he knew he had done well. He drew in a deep long breath. He was having so much fucking fun. Like actual fun, like the kind of fun you had as an innocent kid when you were just winging it. But his dick was also showing signs of deep interest. It made him chuckle softly and smile and then just as suddenly it hit him in a wave.

He was glad he was holding on to the wall. His senses kicked in to deep overdrive. Every sensation felt like ecstacy and the anticipation was its own tantalizing torture. And when she took the whip to his bare ass in that exact moment he knew he was hers. He had to have her; all of her…. her attention, her happiness, her anything and everything all at once. He wanted so desperately at that moment to do nothing but please her.

She reached between his legs to feel his dick and laughed. He was delirious with desire and he didn’t care even why she laughed, he was just joyous to be the cause. She was truly enjoying delivering this mindfuckery of fun, with pain and pleasure so deeply intermingled that one got lost to which was which.

She quickly and repeatedly slapped his face hard with the dildo he had packed in the bag. It was dense and it stung quite a bit. He wondered if it would leave redness or a mark. At this moment he really didn’t care beyond mere curiosity, he was happy to wear any marks she gave him.

It wasn’t until she put it in his mouth and told him to get it as wet as he could that he knew what was coming. He wondered if he would cum. He also wondered if she would be mad if he did.

It was all such a beautiful headspace for him. He wondered what it would be to crash from this kind of natural high. He wanted to laugh but it’s all he could do not to choke as she slapped his ass and thighs hard, digging her fingernails into his flesh while pounding his asshole with the dildo.

He was trying not to cum and maybe she sensed his body tensing because she stopped abruptly, turned him around and brought him to his knees in a swift few motions. She then pulled up her skirt and pushed his head deep into her groin. He could tell she was already panting with desire before he even started.

She wasn’t wearing any underwear under her short leather skirt so access was easy. Plus she had her right leg propped on the side table. So he could easily maneuver deep inside. He grabbed her completely around the waist and pulled her into him. He gnawed at her clit and sucked lightly, using his chin and nose to get all up into her deepest, wettest spots. She quivered. He was sure this was not part of how she had wanted to play. She seemed to want to keep her composure the entirety of it all. But her body and desire betrayed her.

Her juices started pouring and he lapped them up like his life depended on it. She tasted sweet and tart like a key lime pie. Or like a woman who injests a lot of lemon in her diet. ðŸĪ·ðŸ―‍♀ïļðŸĪĢ

———-
I’m so stoned. I’d like to live in stonelandia. Where things get done on an ass needed basis, where everyone pitches in. Where people don’t fuck each other over just because they can and/or want to. I’d love to live there every day. And if I can’t make the world that way I want it, I can at least make me that way. Screw it. Whatever comes, comes. I am just trying to be legit. Legitimately me. Lol. These are the ideals I live by, but I’m not perfect. And I guess that’s the irony and the consolation in this life. No one is.

———–

(I wrote this all last night, proof read it this morning and have added nothing except this paragraph. Maybe I’ll finish it later, maybe you can finish it for me.)💋💋💋

This is the end ðŸ’”

I was depositing a check today and noticed that the extra account that Brad had linked to his account (kind of like a floater account between us so that he could easily give me money) was gone. Now obviously this is the natural progression of a break-up.

I knew it was coming. It’s only logical. It’s a good sign, right? It’s a step towards uncoupling. It’s not out of left field. It speaks to acceptance on his part and in a weird way also lets me know he is ok. He is doing the things he needs to be doing. And honestly he barely even used it.

But it still stung a bit to see it gone. It just reminds me how lonely I am. But lonely is ok. Lonely is manageable. Miserable is another thing altogether and I’m not that. At least.

—–

This is also the end for my drinking. I absolutely can’t drink anymore. I wish I could. I’d love to. Absolutely love to, but it’s a crutch I can’t use. And I just have to accept it once and for all. 2019. This is my break-up year. Officially. Goodbye my old friend. The end.

Intentions and true love

I quite often have a hard time understanding people’s intentions. I can sense their emotions. I can sense their next move sometimes, but I can’t always understand the why of it. Judy says it’s because people like her and I always look for the best in everyone.

But I also think that I don’t much care about the why. I find, very often, that people themselves don’t understand why they act/react the way they do. They usually don’t have a clear picture of the entire situation either, even when it comes to themselves. Although it is also true that I truly don’t like to judge people. I prefer to simply stay neutral or focus on the positive.

Realistically though, I’ll probably never get good at understanding this interesting aspect of human psychology. For even when people tell me what they think another’s intentions are it always feels suspect or tainted by their own experiences or POV. Not to say it’s always wrong but it isn’t always right either. So I’ll have to keep mutteling through this life with no idea why people do the things they do.

But, fortunately, what this does afford me is the luxury of not taking things personal; even when sometimes they are. Because I don’t have to. I just have to deal with whatever is presented in the best way possible and not taking it personal lets me handle it however I deem appropriate as opposed to taking into account how they want and expect me to react. I don’t need to even consider that most times; because it doesn’t feel relevant and I’m not just going to go assuming things. So there is that and that seems good to me.

Although to be fair this also works conversely. I don’t always know when someone is going out of their way to be nice to me or do something special for me. I try but again without understanding people’s intentions all I can do is react how it seems fit at the moment and not necessarily in the way people expect of me. Oh well.

This is me being me and I like that about myself. ðŸĪŠðŸĪĢ💋

——

The ripe age of 46 seems a silly time to be thinking of falling in love. But I am who I am and I think how I think and I don’t see why not. It’s like giving myself permission to dream a wonderful dream. Or like playing the lottery. A lot of people, I’m sure correctly, see it as frivolous; a waste of time, energy and money. Yet it lets one contemplate a life one doesn’t have. It let’s one dream of a new beginning. One that comes and sweeps you away effortlessly, spontaneously and all encompassing. And how could that be bad?

I never want to lose hope. I never want to stop dreaming. I don’t think my dreams stop me from participating fully in my life. They don’t stop me from doing what I need to do and moving forward in reality. I do know the difference. Lol. But dreaming makes it all more bearable and lets me see a different story, a different path, a happy tomorrow. Who doesn’t want that? Plus….. sometimes dreams come true. 💋ðŸĨ°ðŸ™ðŸ―