P for Pansexual, B for Brad, C for Clients

I can affirm that while I am most definitely boy crazy as of late I think I identify more as pansexual. Although right this moment in time given all the external issues of my life I am feeling a bit more asexual than anything.

But pansexual does seem to encompass my truer feelings. It’s about the person much more than the gender or sex or anything else.

But again. Right now my sexuality and sex drive is on the back burner. Bigger fish to fry.

—–

I talked to Brad last night for the first time. He told me how scared he is that I’ll find someone new. πŸ™„ This man really doesn’t know me and my life and my heart. Does he? But I do miss him. Which just makes me feel like an idiot. He is coming to fix something around the house and take me to linner.

I told him if we had sex it had to be vanilla. I somehow doubt he will be too into that, but who knows.

I’ve looked at our situation up and down and all around. Similar to I did with my ex-husband and there seems no logical way to salvage this. It will have to be just friends and maybe even without benefits.

I told him yesterday how grateful I was that he helped me see the deep healing that I still needed to work on. That he helped me bring to light what needed to be brought forth. I feel like I don’t need to go there anymore though. I feel like I can let that go. I’m not feeling dominant or submissive. I’m not feeling like playing kink at all.

I still enjoy touch and intimacy, but I’m not needing the extremes that I was looking for before. Not that those things aren’t fun and don’t have a place in a relationship. But that’s no longer the place for Brad and I.

I know he loves me and his love can feel like such a sweet haven sometimes. So I’m hoping today is all good. I’ve accepted that we can’t talk about certain things and that he doesn’t know how to meet most of my needs. But he has offered me a lot of compassion and attention and things no one else has stepped up to offer me.

And….. I don’t have it in me to just throw people away like used Kleenex. Once I care about someone I care for them for life. It’s how I am made. I really can’t help that. Doesn’t mean I keep them in my inner circle but it also doesn’t mean I just sever every tie. It isn’t me to do that.

——

I had this really great client today. Such a sweet guy. Going through his own spiritual and physical journey of healing. He told me how he put a Facebook post last night telling his friends and family what he is going through and asking for help. He woke up this morning to people sending him blessings and money and asking for his address to send him necessities. He woke up feeling so blessed when he had gone to sleep feeling so vulnerable and frightened.

I don’t know that I would ever have the balls to do that. I felt slight guilt even just charging him for my services but I can’t work for free. I’d essentially be working to put myself in more debt. The water and supplies and my time; it would put me at a deficit I can’t really afford.

But it did make me think that maybe I should offer everyone a friend and family discount for next month. We shall see. I’m just going one thing at a time here. Trying to maintain calm and centered and present as things come at me. Otherwise it will all just become way too overwhelming and we can’t have that, now can we?

πŸ¦‹πŸ₯°πŸŒˆπŸ’–πŸŒΊπŸ€ͺπŸ™πŸ½

Just fucking wow (*updated)

I totally don’t get it. Because I was past due $455 on a $1800 debt to the state tax board they go and cease every penny I have.

I’ve never, ever unlawfully shirked on paying people what I owe. I say unlawfully because when married we did lose our house and declare bankruptcy and I’m still crawling out of that credit fiasco. Otherwise I pay every debt, eventually; no matter who it’s to.

So now they took every penny out of my meager bank accounts. Ceased it all. Not just the money I owed from the payment plan. No. Every fucking penny.

What do these people think happens? Some magical fairy comes and gives me cash for gas and groceries and my bills. That I have a safe with loads of $20’s just sitting around my house? They wiped everything out. The small amount in saving. The small amount in checking. Even the $25 in the account Brad had set up to put money in for me. All gone. Like how do they expect people to live?

I have 3 kids. I was on food stamps up until last month. No call. No warning. No red envelope like the electric company. Nope. Nothing. Just took it all!!! Then the bank penalizes me $75. Plus any overdraft fees I incur. How is this legal? How can they do this?

I am poor. I am not a criminal. I was honestly just trying to get my ducks in a row. Figure out my mortgage issue. It was on my to do list to pay them. I was waiting until the end of the month when I was going to hear back from this other situation.

I’m in a borrow Peter to pay Paul situation here. Struggling. Working my ass off. Trying to just survive.

I didn’t have my cryfest the other night. I had hopes I could somehow get through to someone. Be able to fix this. I can’t. No one cares. The system is in place. There is no room for errors and humanity. There are no rooms for mistakes and oversights and problems no one cares about.

Jesus!!!!!

Fuck!!!!!!!

I hate this world sometimes.

😣😭😣

*Oh…..

And now too, because they took every penny, but it’s not the full amount owed……now I have to worry about more garnishments. It never ends. They don’t let you crawl out of the hole of poverty. They just bury you deeper and deeper.

And how maybe you ask do I even owe the tax board money? I’ve honestly never owed before. I’ve never had that privilege of making so much money I’ve owed taxes before. And that wasn’t the case this time either unfortunately. My ex gave me a settlement when we divorced. It was in the form of a 401k. I withdrew it to start the business and buy this house, which incurred huge penalities and taxes.

I thought I was setting my future up. Stability for my children. A business I could believe in, helping people. I put everything into this endeavor and it’s all crashing down around me it seems.

Sometimes my life presents like one mistake after another. I’m trying to not see it that way. I’m trying to accept that “it is what it is” and that my little families health and happiness is the most important thing. But it’s hard to be healthy and happy when you have such financial instability.

Now what? Now fucking what?

I guess we still wait to hear back from the mortgage company and see what becomes of that.

Good thing I’m not the suicidal type because this sure is pushing me to the brink. I am not though. I learned that lesson already. The hard way. I have kids. I don’t have the right to leave them worse off. Money isn’t everything. It’s just one way this world keeps you on your knees, beholden to its materialistic values. Just one way.

Maybe I should take a vow of poverty. I would. I don’t care about my own needs much. I can make due. I can manage. But these kiddos. What of them?

Life sure does bitch slap you around sometimes, doesn’t it? And the consolation is suppose to be that “it hasn’t killed me”? Yea. πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

The end may be near

for this blog.

I’ve decided. I guess I enjoy making my decisions grandiose because I don’t typically make big decisions. I kind of just let them make themselves a lot; see how things go, fortunate or unfortunate as that may be.

But I’ve decided if we must move then I’m going to stop this blog and start a new one. Incognito, this time. Different name, no landmarks, no discussing names or things that could give my real identity away.

I’m going to reach out to the few of you I know personally and/or follow and enjoy spending time following once that is set up. If it comes to that. Still hoping it really doesn’t come to that. But we shall see. Things look glim right now, but I’m ever hopeful.

Happy Sunday!!

🌈πŸ₯°πŸŒžπŸŒŠπŸ’–πŸ₯°πŸ’‹πŸ¦‹

Tantric Sex Church

I started the morning with a song; as per usual. But instead of my typical morning playlist that starts with Cat Steven’s “Morning has Broken” I let the last song I was listening to last night play which was Sia “Elastic Heart”. That made me want to listen to Ray Lamontagne’s “Empty”, which then steered me to “The Blowers Daughter” by Damien Rice.

Meanwhile I was wondering what it would take to transform the world into a better place. I was thinking of the hippy movement of the 60’s and determined that it had more to do with evading the draft, drugs and mostly just sex than any real motivation to change the establishment. Because the stark contrast between where the baby boomers came to where they supposedly started is far too drastic for me to believe otherwise.

Then that took me to when the church used to provide whores to motivate people to attend church. Since at the time church and state worked very closely together and they were mostly only available that way. Interesting part of history.

So that took me to wondering if I could create a church that centered around tantric sex. A church where the providers did so as a humble service to God; both men and women and the person receiving would do so with gratitude and genuine reverence. Letting the servicer lead where they think the person needs true healing. This is not some hippity-hop porn thing, but actual connection to spirit through touch and intimacy.

This seems to me to be a needed human thing. Since masturbating has been around forever and it has never stopped the flow and need for whores. We need touch. We need connection. We need release, sexual and emotional. Sometimes those are very deeply interconnected.

I imagine it this way. There would be real church services of course: centered around a communal theme of being more spiritual, of connecting to a higher consciousness, of connecting to like minded people. There would be community activities to inspire real friendships. Then there would be this third aspect of tantric service, which doesn’t have to include sex per say.

Tithing of 10% seems an adequate compensation for a church. I’ve always said that tithing is a wonderful thing. If everyone tithed we probably wouldn’t have any of the poverty issues we do now.

I tithed as much as I can. I just do so in my own ways. I contribute to school events. I give to the homeless. I drop off things at the food pantry. I even paid someone’s water bill once. I figure these things come back around. I’ve never been that attached to money. It’s always been cyclical.

Yes. I’ve been homeless. Yes I’ve been starving hungry before. Those things are not fun, but they aren’t the worst thing. The worst thing is losing your humanity. The worst thing is losing hope. The worst thing is becoming a selfish person inside.

I was thinking today how when I give a homeless person money I always look them in the eyes. And honestly some of them have the brightest, clearest eyes I’ve seen. Your eyes tell you a lot, not everything, but a lot. They can tell you about the pain a people is enduring. They can tell you how healthy the body is. They can tell you how healthy the mind and spirit are.

Again, not always. There is an overall picture one must see to draw any kind of conclusion about people. But since that’s not really my job I just go with whatever my gut instincts tell me. Trying to give people the benefit of the doubt that this is them doing the best they can in this lifetime and allowing them that space.

That’s all anyone can hope for. Right?

I’m really not into feeling sorry for myself

Generally speaking, I’m not into it; it’s just not productive. We all have our melodramas. We all have our issues.

Now that’s not to say I don’t get tired, mad, frustrated, sad, and feel every emotion there is to feel in this lifetime. Today has been difficult and tonight I’m sure as hell gonna let myself have one hell of a cryfest. On these kind of days I do let myself have a lot of self condolences.

But it’s just my stance that feeling pity for myself is usually far too self-indulgent. There are much better ways to spend that time and energy than self absorbed in my own emotions.

Far better. And there are always those suffering much more, enduring much more, with much more heartache and with fewer recourses. People that are vulnerable and choiceless and suffering greatly with absolutely no support. So who am I to bitch about my paltry suffering?

Sylvia says I am allowed. So I allow it, once in a while. Once every few months or so. I am definitively feeling like it tonight. But I like to cry not just for myself but for the entire world. I like to cry for all of us, because the suffering of one is the suffering of all and even though I feel I can’t take much more on…….doesn’t mean I can’t help relieve some of that tension by letting that deep sorrow out.

Sometimes nothing feels as deeply cleansing as a big giant cry party.

Resources allocated disproportionately

In this life, it seems that, unfortunately the world’s resources are not allocated evenly. This doesn’t even take into account the thievery of people, sects, religions, and nation’s.

Is it someone’s fault where they are born? Who they are born to? What color their skin is? What genetics they have? What sexual orientation they gravitate towards?

Is it someone’s right to exploit the priviledges they were born into or acquired?

Who’s fault is it that “more is more” and “me and mine” seems to be applauded and reinforced? Who’s fault is it that when people gain advantages and prominence it doesn’t generally translate into using that position to help humanity as a whole?

I don’t know. I can’t say.

All I know is it is wrong.

So how do we fix it? If these issues seem so systemic and continually propagated; in some deranged idea that it will somehow eventually work. Obviously people that this system benefits see little cause for changing it; and people that see its errors can’t seem to come to a consensus of how to change it.

So what is one to do? Someone who deeply cares about life’s bullshit. Someone who is tired of watching the world smoldering to shit?

You start; where you are, doing what you can. We are all capable of changing people’s lives. We are all capable of making a real difference in this world. However that can happen. There are always opportunities to help the world be a better place. The one caveat is that it is always best to help in the way that is needed instead of imposing our judgement, restrictions and expectations. And if you can’t understand that concept than maybe you need to start by working on your own heart first.