In relationships I get extremely bored if I know where the edges are. I need a very wide expanse. I need to know there are still boundaries to explore, new territories to investigate.
With both Brad and Kurt I know what to expect. Neither is going to commit to me, neither is going to cede power or create a path for me to be happy. They want things the way they want things and it’s up to me whether I want to stay within those confines. Not that they can’t both be pushed, they could somewhat, but that’s just not what I want. I don’t want to have to force a man to give me what I need in life. I want it given to me freely with love and adoration.
When it boils down to it, I know their desires, expectations, and where they are willing to meet me and it’s just not enough. To which I don’t hold anger or resentment towards them. I can’t say the exact reasons they aren’t capable or desirous of more. And frankly the reasons don’t matter at all. It is what it is.
I can’t deny there is a lot of emotion for me with these men. Since my divorce 5 years ago they are the only two men I’ve had any feelings for besides curiosity. So that makes physical intimacy rich and exciting with them. But….knowing it’s empty of any future possibilities makes it sad to me.
And it’s not that I need a ring and a 401k and dental plan from them. Lol. I just want the possibility of a future together. And the chances of that with either of them them is so slim to none that it doesn’t seem worth engaging with either of them any further. Which I know is a bit of shooting myself in the foot on my part.
Like…..I have these men who want to engage sexually and emotionally. They want to spend time with me. And we have this built in past, we have these wonderful shared experiences and a level of comfort already established…..so why not engage? Why not have sex? Why not spend time together? Why not let it be whatever it is? Why not at least let it fulfil my intimacy, touch, and companionship needs?
Because as hard as it is to say no….as much as I know that I’m blocking myself from potential pleasures I know ultimately engaging with them is futile. And maybe too because they’ve already broken my heart… so I don’t want to give it again. I don’t want to chance being hurt again by someone that I know isn’t going to be my ride or die person. I don’t want to invest any more of myself into something I know won’t last.
And regardless of any one else’s opinion and standing on the subject, this is my stance on it. And I’m perfectly happy with it. I’d rather do nothing than go down the road with someone I’ve already tried the course with. Sure it could and probably would be fun. But I know where the thorns are and I know they are unavoidable and I’d rather not bleed again.
Can I just let it be physical? No, I can’t. I used to be able to. I used to be able to compartmentalize these things better. But I don’t want to anymore.
Brad seemed frustrated and almost angered that I didn’t want to establish a sexual relationship with Kurt. I found it funny. I know what these men want from me. I know what they want for me. Their efforts don’t come from a nefarious place, simply from selfishness, from stubbornness really. It comes from them thinking they have it all figured out and their way is the only way. So….good for them I guess.
But, more importantly, I know what I want for myself and I know what I want from myself. And as lonely as I am, as bored as things are I feel perfectly happy with the decision to let them be. I wish them no harm. I don’t hold any grudges. I hope they find what they are looking for. I’ve just grown up enough and gotten sure of myself enough to know I don’t fit into their pretty little cages. I don’t want to. It’s not me. And that’s perfectly alright. Don’t you think?
So mom left me a tiny bit of money in a few accounts. I am taking the $7k she left in the Voya account and moving it all into cryptocurrency. I already have a Coinbase account so once I liquefy it I’m going to pop it into over a dozen crypto exchanges. Leave it in there long term, see what comes of it in 20 or so odd years when I’m officially done working. It’s high risk, but potentially also high yield and I really think that’s where we are headed; a global exchange of digital currency.
The money doesn’t really feel like mine anyway. I didn’t earn it. I wasn’t even aware she had set this aside for me. It isn’t much anyway so why not? And as much success as I had with mutual fund allocations for my ex-husbands accounts it isn’t as exciting as cryptocurrency. And it’s all mine. So I get to make these decisions entirely now. And we all know how much I like being in control. Lol
It’s such a beautiful day. We have art slated for later. I’m gonna hit the gym for sure. And then maybe clean up the house. Somehow I wake up each morning hoping it will be clean. And then I set about cleaning up because nope, it never is. Well…..I have three girls to help so I’ll take advantage of that. And at least tomorrow I can wake up to a clean house…..maybe. Lol