Exactly who I want to be

So I went out with Craig again last night. And when I got home I evaluated the date, as I always do. And I realized that I wasn’t being my genuine self during some of it. Now I came up with several very valid justifications for this.

I strive to be genuine and myself in all circumstances. I try to not wear any masks or hide behind any pretenses. So that I am essentially the same person regardless of my captive audience.

So that I don’t have to say “I don’t like who I am when I’m with you.” or “My bad actions stem from your bad actions.” because that puts the blame on the other person and not on myself where it should be. I should be innately myself regardless of external factors. And if I am being that person then at no point would I stop enjoying who I am, since generally speaking I like myself.

So the conclusion I ultimately drew was that I have to be more myself in general. I have to cement who that is for myself. This takes a lot of inner balance. This takes a lot of self evaluation. It takes a lot of comfort in my own skin skills. So I have work to do here, very clearly.

So a dating hiatus is on the menu. I mean I think I did clarify this for myself a few days ago but I got confirmation that this is the right step for me with that dinner. Boy was it a fabulous meal though. Ho hum.

But it also made me question something. Am I looking for my own soul or am I looking for my soul mate? And by finding myself will I then also find what I’ve been thinking I wanted and needed all along? Will it bring me that person?

I don’t know but like most things I think the answer lies within. So let’s get started.


It’s been a trying day

I’ve cried so much today. My eyes are puffy little slits dripping water intermittently like a leaky faucet.

I’m not used to my emotions overwhelming me like this. Its unsettling. But I guess that’s part of life too and it’s definitely been part of my life since New Year’s Eve.

I knew grief was difficult. And I’m struggling with a lot more on my plate than just the grief. So it’s completely understandable that I’m having a difficult time and that my emotions are a bit out of whack.

I’m trying to allow myself grace. I’m not going to try to fix anything or force myself to “get over” anything. I’m just going to ride it out. Keep moving forward even if it feels like I’m moving through molasses and have no clear idea of how or when things will get better, easier or more manageable for me emotionally.

It will be whatever it is.


Almost Retired

My mom had it rough. Fortunately she was smart and motivated and she did ok for herself. But she longed to retire while she was young enough to still travel. She absolutely loved going on cruises. And fortunately she took many and travelled extensively having seen so many wonderful places, that I can only dream of.

But she never got to retire. Her avatar on wordchums was called almost retired and she talked about it often.

But she couldn’t. It wasn’t feasible.

And I was thinking what sad fate that was. How she worked so hard for over 45 years, having to take care of herself and me and put herself through college, without any help at all. And she never got to stop working.


Just doesn’t make sense to me. But maybe I’m just easily confused.


Virtual reality for social causes

What if we used virtual reality to help assuage bullying, sexism/sexual harassment, ablism and racism at the middle school level.

Bring in equipment and create the programs that immerse students in a day in the life as these people. Show them how life can be from other people’s perspectives in a real hands on sense.

We need to start thinking outside the box and teach students skills that they actually need in life and will help society at large, like empathy. And I think that is the age to have a real impact.

I mean why not? 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

Must be nice to have money – The Eyes of Texas

Wow. So almost 100% of emails going to the University of Texas were demanding they keep this song or their alumni would pull millions in funding.

I.E. Keep the song black people find offensive and the players won’t even stay on the field for anymore or else.

Makes so much sense. Tradition is so much more important than anyone’s feelings or any semblance of compassion.

And this little gem talking about “the blacks”. Just prescious.

Rich people using their money to hold on to the past come hell or high water. Shocking! 🙄

This doesn’t improve my mental health. I need to focus on other things. Positive things.

I don’t have a million dollars to throw around to keep my sense of pride over another people’s sense of worth. But even if I did have that kind of money I wouldn’t be spending it this way.

It really makes me want to laugh because I find it so absurd and I can’t believe this is reality and not just a dumb joke. 😒😐🤷🏽‍♀️

No guarantees – FWB

I’m being told by a couple of female friends not to compromise. To go after what I want. This relates to men. And I really, really want to believe them. I want to believe that I can have exactly what I want.

That I’ll find a man that will inspire me to sing corny love songs. A man that will flutter my heart every time he walks in the room. That I’ll find a man that is my biggest fan in the entire world and proves it in his thoughts, words and actions.

But that seems so implausible, especially right now. Just finding good sex seems impossible.

My two exes, since my divorce I offered the let’s just be FWB route and they both balked at me. Neither wanted to take me up on it. It was an all or nothing situation for them. But I knew in my heart we just wouldn’t be happy together long term for very practical and logical reasons. So why not enjoy the good parts while it keeps lasting?

I get that people like to set their lives up to have a semblance of permanence. There is comfort in routines and things you can count on to be there. But those are false constructs. We aren’t guarenteed anything, anyone, any amount of time or life beyond what we have already had and the now. That’s it.

And I think if we all lived by that notion we would live much more fulfilling and meaningful lives.

But if I’m guessing at what my girlfriends were trying to tell me… and I could totally be wrong because I didn’t clarify it then, but I think they mean that I want to fall in love and I also want a highly sexual relationship that is fun and a good respite from my difficult life and that there is no reason I can’t have that.

But I think right now I need a respite from men. Just a quiet time of being with myself. Maybe I’ll shoot for April to start trying to date again. Spring seems a good time to start a love affair. 😉💋

I dislike the spectacle of popularity and adoration

I’ve never sought popularity. I suppose as an introvert that’s a natural conclusion. But in my opinion the biggest form of adulation is copying someone’s behavior. It isn’t wearing products with their image. It isn’t buying and displaying souvenirs or trinkets.

If I ever gained any kind of cult like following I would be so happy and it would fulfil me greatly to just be a positive inspiration in these people’s lives. To have people self reflect and grow as their own unique being into a happier, soul centered being because of what I said or exemplified would be the biggest accolade I can think of.

So when I see the false idolatry people have for everything from religion and politics to pseudo celebrities, actors and such, it truly confounds me.

Maybe it’s just me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Is there a way to create real equity?

Equality is a great, but what we really want is equity.

I don’t know, but that’s something that needs to be looked at from everyone’s vantage and with input from everyone. No?

No easy answers but we have to at least look at it. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But how do you create equity when so many people don’t think everyone deserves it?

Can we please put this n-word shit to rest?

I hate this word. It just spews hatred. But the people that say “why do black people get to say it?” seem so childish and tyrannical to me.

I try to explain it to people in ways they can grasp it. But ignorance when it benefits one is a real thing and helps us keep our own hatred, biases and entitlement going.