Category: Uncategorized

Square dancing vs poop lessons / exorcisms?

You know what I enjoy first thing in the morning? A good fart. Lol.

I read a reddit post last night that asked what was something we should have learned in school and didn’t and I said basic human anatomy.

I myself only started to learn about the vast world of digestion 14 or so years ago. I also didn’t know (until last year) that the clitoris is just the very tiny tip of the iceberg of that nerve and that it is a is a large mass going all the way down to your g-spot.

That the majority of people don’t know the importance of color, consistency and frequency of bowel movements is sad to me. This is basic human body function 101.

Instead I learned square dancing in elementary school which I really haven’t ever, not once, had a single use for in my life.

It’s just irrational. We go to school and don’t learn about ourselves, how the world truly functions, how to build a good life and a better world: we don’t learn about morality/civility, human duty to nature, finances, how our bodies really work, on and on.

I’m seriously dumbfounded by it.

—–

On another note: I feel good today. I’m going for a walk with Jan later. I’m trying my hand at making lamb for dinner tonight. I enjoy it but I’ve never actually tried cooking it before, but I found some reasonably priced at Costco and thought why not. I’m also going to try and put together the hammock Brad got me. He doesn’t want to pick me up this weekend and I don’t feel like driving to Salem for the 3rd week in a row. So we are at a stalemate there.

I am still having issues with my liver. So I’m cutting back on the nicotine gum. I started using it and became slightly addicted during this whole Covid-19 thing. It really did help with that horrible light-headedness. But I haven’t had symptoms for a while now and with my liver smarting from handling the smoke I really need to give it a break.

I am having my yearly physical Monday, at which time I am going to ask her to write me a note for the gym to allow me to wear a shield instead of a mask. I really don’t care what anyone else claims, says or believes, I simply can not exercise in a mask. I can’t do any physical activity wearing one. I’ve tried and it makes me dizzy and feel like I am going to hyperventilate. Which I’ve experienced before and is no fun at all.

I’m super excited the cat is leaving today. I can do some deep cleaning and see if I can finally get rid of that pee smell. It’s horrible, even worse than when our whole place smelled like vomit because my middle had projectile vomiting from reflux for the first 8 months of life and I learned to not care what I looked or smelled like.

She was also quarantined for the first 6 months of her life due to her being born premature with a heart condition and going into flu season. So we never went anywhere and no one was ever allowed over during that period. There is a striking parallel for me to this pandemic, except now it’s everyone and not just her and I. Which I guess is why I haven’t overreacted too much to this. I remember feeling like those months would never end and I remember crying a lot, but they did end eventually.

———

I’m going to wait for my liver to fully recover before booking my trip to Ohio. Hopefully not when it’s too cold there because I can not drive in the snow.

I got another vision that I needed to try to do 3 exorcisms while I was there. Not sure what to make of that one. I’ve only ever done 2 exorcisms before: one for a house and one for a person. The first one I ended ubruptly when an apparition started manifesting. It really scared the crap out of me. The second I wasn’t purposefully doing so I had no idea how to stop it.

I just let it continue and it ended of its own accord. I think it was pretty tame as far as exorcisms go, but it sure did freak out the person going through it. I remained perfectly calm through it all, I mean what else was there to do? It was very overwhelming for them and my calmness was the best way I could think of to get them through it.

So I think I need to figure out what I’m doing if that’s really something I’m meant to do. I better start reading up on it and talking to people. People that won’t think I’m crazy. Not sure where to find them. Lol

Hey….I’m just going with the flow here. Trying to find my way and navigate through life with as much grace and purpose as I can.

I am no longer expecting it to make sense. Lol. I just want to have the courage to persevere.

🌈🌏✌🏽🙏🏽🤗❣️💋

I guess I can tell you guys the truth

These last two weeks have been challenging. Especially because I spent at least 5 of those days completely imobile in bed. And that’s because moving those bins out of Brad’s and into storage aggravated my hemmeroids. Yep. I said it. They were that bad.

Which is why I went to a hemmeroids specialist yesterday. He was very nice. Which honestly I really don’t care about. I’d rather have a good doctor with no bedside manner than a friendly doctor with zero skills. But he seemed to have both. Much unlike the last Gastroenterologist who butchered me and didn’t even know what colon hydrotherapy was.

Compared to this doc who knew exactly what I did and when I told him I was looking for a new location, said he may have a room and that we would be a good fit together. I was so floored I don’t think I showed any of the enthusiasm I was feeling inside.

—–

Turns out not having proper ventilation can cause excessive moisture. Did everyone else know that? Having the windows closed and running the vaporizer created so much moisture that even when I turned it off the floors remained damp. Even after I dried them the moisture just came back. Which points to me needing a dehumidifier, especially with winter coming. Just one more unexpected expense.

Which makes me grateful I had a couple eBay sales last week. But I’m doing eBay much like one does a bad marriage. I’m here, but my heart isn’t in it. So I decided that I’m not getting a new desktop computer. I’m going to wait for mine to die (it’s on its last breath) and then figure out what I want. Invest money in a business I really don’t enjoy? Find a naturopaths office (possibly the hemmeroid clinic) to set up shop? Or? IDK.

I’m just glad I’m feeling good. The air is clear, we had blue skies yesterday in between the rain.

Every day brings new challenges and opportunities. Doesn’t it? Which I suppose is better than every day being exactly the same. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Be blessed❣️

🌈🌏🥰✌🏽😎🙏🏽💋

Never so happy to see rain

It thundered for hours last night. The lightening was so bright it woke me and one of the kidlets up. The air quality is hovering in the mid 100’s which is still unhealthy, but I have things to do I’ve put off for over a week now. So I must venture into it.

I did some research and found a supplement, (NAC) an amino acid, that supports the liver. It is supposedly even use in the emergency rooms for acetaminophen overdoses. I’ve also ordered some milk thistle suppositories. I’m gonna do all I can to make it to be a healthy grandma, one day (no time soon). This also includes not drinking alcohol. While I still miss and crave it sometimes, I am finding it easier to not do so. Must also be because I’m not all that social right now anyway.

I ordered Doordash last night and accidentally charged it onto Brad’s credit card. It had defaulted to it and I didn’t realize it until after it was ordered. But tell me, why does food you don’t pay for taste even better than if you paid for it? Lol. I’ll pay him back. I made him aware of it and he says to me “I would have never known, had you not told me”.

I don’t even understand that. Like I genuinely can’t comprehend that mindset. I’ve never in my life had the luxury of not monitoring my accounts. Right now not a single bank or credit card transaction over $1 occurs without a notification of some sort; be it text or email. I’m way on top of it.

This was hammered into me after being penalized over $300 in overdraft fees one time because my ex and I made a few charges on our joint account before his direct deposit got posted. One of those charges was a $1.99 french fry order. That was a very brutal lesson.

Now I have low balance notification set-up. I have overdraft turned off, so the charges get declined instead of charged, where that to ever happen again. Which I can’t see happening, but just in case.

But to not have any concerns about what gets charged. To not even be aware of it. I think that can be seen as both a true blessing in life and also completely irresponsible. No? It’s really no surprise he isn’t well off. He has made enough money in his life, that had he saved or invested properly he would be doing great right now but his father is rich. So I suppose having wealthy parents that bail one out can make one a bit lackadaisical about finances. I really wouldn’t know.

I’m happy for him though; especially in his present condition. And you’d think maybe this would make me apt to abuse his generosity, but it doesn’t. I am ever grateful for all the things he has done and still does for me. I just don’t want to be dependant on it.

I took this picture. It’s the door of the Chinese restaurant we ate at the other night. I couldn’t help it. I laughed so hard. It just seemed so appropriate for this era. “Sorry accepted”.

But I guess the time for sorry’s, while still accepted , must also now come with real change. Right?

But it does feel good to laugh.

🥰🙏🏽🌈🌏❣️✌🏽💋

Domme, de Domme Domme

Brad and I were discussing our “relationship” over dinner. I said “I still don’t think you understand how this works”. To which he says “I think you’re right. Tell me again.”

And I laid it all out:

“I do and say as I please. You, however, must watch what you say and do.”

He sneered back at me telling me how he starts to get resentful of that and then it boils over and we break up. Then he misses me so much he is willing to do whatever I say.

Which isn’t really true. He is “willing to put up with me” is what he means. He rarely actually does what I say.

And here we are. I don’t think he realizes how resentful I am of him. I invested all this time and energy and emotion. I tried to help him sort out his life and instead watched it get so much worse due to his complete inability to make good decisions and keep moving forward in life. Let alone all his empty promises to me.

It’s fine. But this was the last lesson I needed on trying to (help)/fix a man. From this point forward I know I want a man that either A) has his shit together or B) actually listens and is willing to be the beta to my alpha. Preferably both of course. Why not?

Because, truthfully, even if a man has his shit together and knows what he wants I still expect him to defer to me in the relationship. That is how I roll and it is a non-negotiable. And honestly I’m willing to forge it alone, and just have fun when and where I can, than be miserable trying to become someone I’m not or fit in some little box of who I’m expected to be. Yuck!

I definitely am missing my Domme days, my Domme attire, my Domme persona. But she’ll be back. I just have to lick my wounds for a second and find my bearings again.

And then we shall see who I find that is truly the right fit for me. 🤤⛓️🤤⛓️🤤

It’s not my place to say or know

why things happen the way they do.  I barely know the reasons why I myself behave the way I do.  It’s taken years of introspection to understand some of my own nuances; let alone the complexity of humanity and existence itself.  I know what I believe though and I am satisfied with that. 

I was thinking last night how thankful I am to have my smelly little fortress.  Mostly underground and encased in cement I feel very safe and almost apart from the world.  Which makes me less apt to pick up the emotions of everyone and everything around me. Which, at this moment of chaos and transitions, is a good thing. 

I saw a man driving down the road this morning flipping the bird to everyone.  We crossed paths twice, which is odd in and off itself since I rarely leave the house or drive around much these days.

Big white boy just hanging his arm out his brown sedan in an unfriendly salute.  The mother in me was at least happy he was wearing a mask.  It’s still very smokey out. 

I don’t take things like that personally. Whatever is going on in his brain and life has everything to do with him and almost zero to do with me. I just happen to be there. 

I woke up feeling well and rested even.  I have a few projects I need to work on.  I have a couple eBay sales to get boxed and shipped.  And I have to find the 2 laptops the school district lent us last year.  I know where I put them when we moved to the basement but they have gone missing and I really don’t want to have to pay out of pocket to replace them. But if I can’t find them today I’ll have to call it.

It’s supposed to rain tonight.  Part of me is thrilled.  We really need it, but I also have boxes and bags to go to goodwill in the yard and I really don’t want to deal with that today. 

My liver has been pumping the breaks on me this last week.  And manual labor in this air quality is the last thing I need.  I feel so bad for the people having no choice in the matter. 

I’ll just do what I can. 

I have arranged for the disgruntled cat to go to the ex’s for a bit. See if she is happier there.

I see the world and it saddens me immensely that it functions the way it does.  I firmly believe that we all have a purpose and that we could all find satisfaction and fulfilment in life if we were A) allowed to be who we truly are B) supported each other in our unique life journeys C) had compassion and consideration for everyone and nature. 

I truly believe that for every job there is a willing worker.  For every need there are resources and people that could help. For every deficit there are surpluses.  If we worked and thought globally we could eradicate so many of our issues. 

Not that we wouldn’t have other issues crop up.  In life we don’t come out unscathed and unbothered.  The climate/mother nature, non-terrestrial beings, asteroids, on and on. Who knows what comes next? The unknown is yet unknown.

I enjoy thinking of what a world that truly values its people and its habitat looks like. And even though we seem such a long way from there right now I hold hope and prayer for a better way for humanity.

God bless us all❣️

🌏🌈🙏🏽🤗🌌🥰✌🏽💋

If the world was ending you’d come over right

To absolutely no one’s shock (I’m sure) I went to Brad’s house.  I did my mounds of laundry including bedding and floor mats.  And we had a great time.  We did set some ground rules. 

No political talk

No arguing

No junk food

No alcohol

I orgasmed twice.  We watched movies and laughed a lot.  We also ran a few errands and went to the thrift store.

I added in an additional ground rule for sex talk, when he started pushing my boundaries a bit too far. 

The cat has decided that to protest her new environment peeing on the couch was acceptable.  I am beyond pissed about it because no matter what I try I can not get that acrid smell out. 

So this has me needing to replace the couch. I’m hoping a (used) leather/pleather couch deters her.  She’s destroying her own house trying to prove some point and make herself heard.  It draws a correlation to me between city officials and protesters. 

I get that she’s upset. I get that she is letting me know in the most effective way she knows how that she is angry and not having this anymore. But we all have to live here.  Ugghhhh.  Maybe I need a cat whisperer. 

I bought the ring. It cost a hair more than I expected because I purchased a warranty on it. Lifetime sizing and repairs, including replacement of the gem if something should happen to it seemed reasonable. I’m a bit of a sucker for insurance, though, truth be told.

So now I have to sell my wedding ring set for that same amount.  It may be difficult in today’s environment, but we shall see.  Fortunately I have all the paperwork for it, stating the clarity, registration, etc. and the weight of the gold itself is quite a bit.

It really is a nice ring. 

We went to eat Chinese food, which is an indulgence for me since I try not to eat gluten or soy sauce even.  My fortune cookie said “you will make many changes before settling down”.

Brad took great offense to it, thinking it meant changes in men.  Lol.  I laughed so hard at him. Sometimes I really don’t measure myself.

What is with the new formatting on WordPress?  I really hate it. 

Well.  Off to bed.  I had so much fun at Brad’s I didn’t want to leave.  But my mom life can’t be put on an extended hiatus, no matter how tempted I may be.

And I’m feeling better which means I want to get stuff done. How much I’ll get done with this air quality I can’t say. I don’t want to overload my liver having to cleanse all these impurities out of my body. I can feel it’s been stressed by this already.

Sweet dreams world. Wake up praying for blessing for the entire world and gratitude for a new day. Even with the whole house smelling like cat pee. 🙄🤪🤣🤷🏽‍♀️

Such is life.💋

And then there were two

So of my three choices (ring, Ohio, webinar) the webinar is officially out.

I’m so confounded by it too. Maybe these are pseudo-rich people problems I’ve never encountered before and that’s why it confuses me so much. But how a woman that speaks and writes book about empowerment can turn around and penalize someone for needing to opt for a payment plan option and thereby not give them a discount is beyond me.

Some blah, blah about there already being a discount and yes you could get over $400 more off with the coupon code but then you had to pay it all upfront. Like give or don’t give a discount. Totally up to you, but financially penalizing someone who obviously needs the discount or wouldn’t be asking for a payment plan option seems low. They offer the payment plan. They offered the discounts. It’s not like I was asking for special treatment.

This webinar lasts over 3 months. So it makes no logical sense to me why not, if payment plans are an option to also give people the discount, which was supposed to be available to everyone who attended the webinar series I just saw. That just seems a harsh penalty. I mean I do pay $5 per payment to my car insurance for not paying it all in one lump sum and although that seems very reasonable, I still don’t like it.

———

Honestly, truthfully, I’m actually a little afraid to go to Ohio. Not because I’m afraid about the traveling itself. Just that it sounds so crazy. My mom said the same thing and I said “mom, if you didn’t think it was a little crazy then I’d have to think you were a little crazy. Because it does sound crazy.”

But this is me following my soul and heart. The soul dictates, the heart confirms if it’s the right thing to do. And this feels like the right thing to do. Still doesn’t give me more clarity besides just knowing I should go. I need to go.

But…..then there is still the ring. What to do? What to do? Well. I decided if it’s there tomorrow I’m buying it and I’m going to sell my wedding ring set to not suffer a loss. I don’t want the ring, beautiful as it may be. I will never wear it again. So why have it around? Means nothing to me anymore. At one time it meant so much, but that seems like a few lifetimes ago now.

Soooo…..we keep progressing. The cheapest flights I can find put us into next month. I’ll need to make sure I can get a car and place first and then book the flight. Hopefully we can keep this as inexpensive as possible.

It still makes me feel nervous though. I don’t know if it’s the flight or the not knowing. It reminds me a little of going to the buddhist retreat. How apprehensive I was because I didn’t know what I was walking into, what it would look like, how it would be.

This is going in just as blind, if not more so. I am jittery even thinking about it. No one ever said following the signs would be easy though. Did they?

,🙏🏽🌏🌈💖✌🏽🤗❣️💋

Should’ve known better

It’s on me. I really should have known this was not going to go well. Unfortunately it wasn’t until after I packed up my massive amount of laundry that Brad and I got in a text fight and now aren’t speaking. It’s ridiculous really.

I was lonely. I was willing to try. Again, I take responsibility for being so naive.

This was after this other slight with the baby father.

I think I’ll take this time to regroup. I have the air purifier coming today thankfully. I’ll clean a little. Take a long bath, a heavy dose of THC and let myself relax.

I just don’t need this. If it means being alone so be it. Eventually I’ll find my tribe.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

✌🏽🌌🌈🌏💋

Crazy, crazy, crazy

I wrote this blog 2 years ago and it is more appropriate now than ever before.

And yet.

Do I have faith that people will listen?

Do I think the world will change?

Yes. Yes I do.

I really, truly want to believe it. So I do. I allow myself that dream.

Maybe that makes me crazy, but I’d rather have hope for humanity and try my best, in whatever ways I can, to lift us all up than tear us all down.

That decision will always be mine to take. Thankfully❣️