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I haven’t given up on my spiritual quest. Frankly I couldn’t, even I do wanted to.

Some people live their lives in terms of money. Some people think I’m terms of popularity. Some think I’m terms of connection to others. Some think in terms of their career and or other accomplishments.

We all have the things that drive us. The things that we sit and think about unprompted by circumstances. The things that invade our deepest desires and insecurities.

One of those things has always been and will always be spirituality for me. It’s not necessarily a form of comfort, because truth be told it’s been a wild adventure that hasn’t always been pleasant and it’s sometimes actually been scary.

It’s also not something I do in some bid to gain access to heaven. It’s more about an inner instinct that drives me to find out for myself what my beliefs are. How I fit into this world. What I see and understand vs what I’m told to see and understand. What I accept and know as truth vs what I’m told to accept as truth.

And seeing the blaring differences for myself. Seeing the ideals people mostly just pay lip service to and the detriments on society and the world for the hypocrisy of that. And understanding that what we think is necessary and of importance in this life is mostly all hogwash.

That we are roped into believing things that are (to me) unequivocally false. And yet we all accept these shackles as unavoidable. It all truly baffles my mind.

And yet it also captivates me profoundly. And I think of it throughout the day. I think of my soul when I go to sleep, and when I wake up.

What I want to achieve is reaching a point where my actions and thoughts follow my ideals.

I truly feel we are all connected. All one. So…… I want and need to bring that forth. How does that look? What does that feel like? What does that mean?

It’s what I’ve been grappling with this last week. Bringing that out. Standing firm in my beliefs and walking that walk. Plus next week I resume my spiritual mentoring with Jan.

I firmly believe that my spirituality is what has been able to keep me grounded in this world much more than anything else or anyone else ever has or will. And I am grateful to have this inner awareness. I am grateful to see the signs and understand the teachings I have had.

But I also know this does not predicate that my life is worthwhile because of this. It doesn’t make me special. If anything, I can fully acknowledge that this may just be my mind’s way of entertaining itself and making sense of it all. It could all be a farce and complete waste of time.

But to me, the spiritual experiences I have had far outweigh most all other experiences; by leaps and bounds.

And if I’m wrong and it’s all just more smoke and mirrors that’s fine too. Because this spiritual quest, with the general feelings of love and compassion, along with the virtues of truth, courage, charity, humility, tolerance, patience, mercy, etc. seem to me to be the cornerstones for personal growth, peace of mind, and true inner happiness.

And I don’t need anyone to believe me or drink my Koolaid. I’m happy simply being able to pursue my next grand adventure. To forge my own path in the jungle of my life. To be able to be the person I know I am meant to be.

It’s emerging slowly. And I no longer think it need be a this or that situation. It needn’t be follow my dreams or find my soulmate or have a flourishing successful career. It should be able to have it all. Well….that’s the hope at least and for the firat time I’m actually allowing that possibility.

Now to figure out how. Lol

🙏🏽🌏🌈🥰💋

(This is just for myself, as a reflection of the things I know and remember. Although most of this is simply what I’ve been told. So please, please do not feel the need to read this at all. I’m sure you can find something better to do with the next 10 minutes of your life.)

——–

I was supposed to have been born on April Fool’s Day. But my mother kept falling asleep during my birth. She said the pain was overwhelming and she couldn’t handle it and so she would fall asleep. Go figure that one.

Having gone through birthing 3 children I can’t fathom being able to sleep through contractions. It’s much more probable she was passing out.

Eventually the doctor insisted she stay awake and I was born at about 4:50am on April 2nd.

I was purple. I wasn’t breathing. I can’t remember why exactly but I spent about 10 days in NICU. In that time my mother’s milk dried up and she was not able to breast feed me.

She had been calling me Marcos in the womb because she was absolutely sure I was a boy. She had never even considered girl names because she was so sure.

The nurses were the ones that kept nagging her to name me and eventually, after a few days, she settled on Massiel. She named me after a singer from Spain who sang a popular song she liked called “Rosas en el Mar”.

It’s a beautifully sad song about trying to find true love, honesty and truth, freedom, and respite from the evils of the world. The chorus says how it’s easier to find roses in the ocean than the things she seeks.

——-

There are two versions of how my nickname came about. One is that the nurses couldn’t pronounce Massiel so she immediately gave me a nickname. The other is that when my dad came 2 months after my birth (him having been gone working as a migrant farm worker) he gave me the nickname.

It’s no matter. I’ve been known by my nickname ever since. It always made the first day of school awkward, because the teachers would butcher my name and then I’d give them my nickname and the sigh of relief seemed palpable, for both of us.

—-

My mother told me I cried the first three months solid. I must have had reflux or colic. She said the only thing that would shut me up was giving me saltines to suck on. So that’s what she did.

——

I have a few memories of those first years. 4 to be exact. I remember where we lived. It was a house behind another house. In the front yard was an old aluminum swing set. I remember sitting in my high chair by the front door eating scrambled eggs with cut up hot dogs. I remember my mother doing airplane to feed me in the dark kitchen. I remember being angry that I could see my mother passing by my room but my protests and jumping up and down in my crib were not getting her attention.

She said I remembered that because she thought that was the day I broke my crib from jumping so fiercely. And lastly I remember the neighbors in the front house babysitting me. I was crawling then. I remember playing with Weeble Wobbles on the floor and I remember looking up to see a stream of piss coming out of the man’s penis and into the toilet.

——

By the time I was born my parents had been married over 5 years. In that time they had moved from New York to Chicago to LA. In that time my father had also had many dalliances. But when he impregnated my nanny my mother put her foot down. Enough was enough; she kicked him out and petitioned for a divorce.

My father in retaliation kidnapped me and took me to Mexico to one of his sister’s. He basically just dropped me off with people I didn’t know to be raised by them and left.

My mother had to kidnap me back and smuggle me back across the border, because even though we were both citizens I didn’t have documentation to prove I could cross the border legally. You need the parent not present to sign notarized papers saying they give the solitary parent that right.

My mother said that from the time I got back I was a different child: clingy and scared. Makes sense, but I don’t remember any of it.

It’s funny how child psychologist put so much emphasis on the first five years of a child’s life. Because those years are a blur to most people. We don’t have many memories and we have no clear understanding of the world at all, let alone being able to process it.

——–

But that’s a synopsis of my first two years of life. Not sure why I’m feeling like strolling down memory lane. I guess because I see how fleeting life is and I want to preserve what I can remember now because the day will come I either won’t remember or won’t be here to tell it.

Morbid maybe. So be it.

——

This is just dribble. Everyone has their tale, their story. I don’t expect this to hold much interest to anyone really. Maybe a grandchild or great-grandchild will enjoy reading this one day. You never know.

——

The strange thing in recapping all this is that I don’t remember my mother holding me, kissing me or cuddling me. But she was never a very affectionate person. It just wasn’t her style. I do know she was thrilled I picked up walking at 9 months because she didn’t have to carry me after that.

And that’s it. That’s all there is to those first couple years.

It’s such a strange thing, because I have always felt and said I’m fine alone. And I do feel I am. I need sex, but I don’t feel I necessarily need a man around full-time. I am capable and where I falter and need help I pay for it or figure things out one way or another.

Right now being so vulnerable and feeling so alone in the world and also having gone though everything I have, in regards to dating and the men I’ve chosen……

I feel I’ve learned the lessons I’ve needed to learn and am becoming the person I was meant to be: strong, balanced, feeling my own worth, loving myself, knowing not to settle and fully grasping my own underpinnings.

And in this state where I’m feeling a bit gushy inside I’m feeling open and willing to put down my guards and really let someone in. Like truly let someone in, which for me is truly novel.

I always felt I have been very much like that Bruce Springsteen song “Secret Garden”. Because I have always felt unable to truly bridge to someone emotionally. I have always thought “sure I’ll let you in, but nowhere near my core heart or giving it all.” And I felt fine with that being the case.

But now I feel I’m really ready. But that said I’m still going to hold out for the real thing. Not a perfect man, just the right one for me. The truly right one, who will nurture my heart, reciprocate and feed my love, and be my true friend and companion.

And it’s not scary anymore. The thought of opening up isn’t terrifying, like it used to be. It doesn’t seem impossible or improbable anymore. It seems like a natural progression I needed to make to get here, to a place I feel safe to do that.

So maybe one day…… it will happen. Now that I feel truly ready….. and that makes me happy.

🙏🏽🌏🌈🥰💋🥂

A year from now. I really would like a glimpse of that day. I’m sure, assuming I’m around, it will be an average kind of day. But I wonder what that average kind of day will look like. I’m so utterly curious because I have the feeling it won’t look anything like today.

Right now, I’m at the laundromat. I just got told that oxyboost works better than vinegar for smells. Except it has its own faint smell. Still appreciated the information. Another woman went out of her way to say hi and bye to me. She seemed lost in her own world otherwise. I was still happy to be greeted. It’s just nice to have human interactions. I am and have always been easily entertained.

I had asked the teenager to help me with all this laundry. She sulked and huffed and was surly about it so I just said “you know what? Nevermind. I don’t need the attitude. Stay home. I’ll do all the laundry. But also.. you are no longer using my car.”. Her father is in the process of getting her a car soon anyway. So it’s hardly a punishment, except she did want to go see her new man tomorrow. Guess she can walk or he can pick her up.

I’m just done. Done with her attitude problem. I am done appeasing people.

My lawyer called today. He tried to dissuade me from going forward with the autopsy. I tried to explain that I know it is a horrible financial decision but that this is an emotional decision and I know if I don’t do it I’ll regret it.

Maybe not now, but one day. Because is my only shot I get at this. And I want to know the exact truth of it. Not just some vague assumption. Because this is the only closure I get to this horrible tragedy.

And he said something about her having kidney issues. That’s news to me. I’ll have to call her doctor again.

I know it probably makes no sense and will make no real difference. But everyone thinks I make bad decisions already so it’s just par for the course. The coroner wants to speak to me directly though “to try and give me closure”. I get that everyone is trying to be kind and help me. But no words are going to help me. I just want to know. That’s it. The lawyer said “ok, when they tell you she died from whatever…will that give you what you really need?”.

I wanted to scream at him “no, I want my mother back and nothing will do that.” but that felt unnecessary.

——–

I had another friend suggest the app “seeking arrangement” to me today. She said she found the men on the app to be more civilized and gentlemanly than any other dating app. And she has extensive knowledge of all of them.

I told her I’d think about it. I’m sure there is a plethora of beautiful women on there soliciting financially beneficial arrangements and I’m not trying to date married men. But never say never I guess.

——-

I watched the first show of Bruce Lee’s “Warrior”. I enjoyed it. Gruesome but good. I guess that’s what sells. Don’t ask me.

To try to date with everything going on in my life right now and this life threatening pandemic. Plus just having lost my mother and not even knowing where I’ll be 8 months from now.

I think because my foreclosure process was prior to the pandemic it precludes me from the moratorium. I’m not sure. I haven’t looked into it because I’m still actively trying to save my house.

It’s a lot to drag someone into, even if willingly. And yet, strangely, I feel it’s the right thing for me to do. I feel like I truly do need the support and I’m sure there is someone out there that could use the diversion of having me in their life.

So now I have to decide what avenue to use. Maybe put some posts on FetLife. Maybe try eharmony. I’m really not sure.

I’m really in no huge hurry to find someone. I’m not desperate for dick. I want to find someone truly enthralling to add some pleasure and distraction. I will be as honest as I need to be, but also I want it to be fun, not drama filled so some mystery is good.

And the more I compartmentalize this the better. I really just need a FWB and while falling in love would be grand as well I can’t accomplish either without meeting new people.

What would probably make more sense is to wait for the pandemic to subside enough for meet-ups to resume and restaurants to open. That’s a thought. For sure.

Probably the right one. But……let’s see what pops up. I’m definitely not marathon dating like I have before. That would be utterly irresponsible and way too much expenditure of time and energy.

Good thing is that I’m not feeling bad about yesterday because he’s still actively pursuing me and that’s very flattering, even if I am myself ambivalent about it. It’s nice to be wanted.

💋

Everything and everyone comes from one source. No matter if one wants to see that in the scientific context of energy or the spiritual context of the soul.

The most undervalued virtue on this planet is truth.

Western medicine is great, but I disagree with many things about it. Like how it tries to invalidate natural, holistic, and Eastern medicines. That to me goes against the very sanctity of truly trying to help people and for that and it’s for profit, corporate agenda I hold it accountable for its atrocities. (US medicine and pharmaceutical companies I mean here. I can’t speak for other countries.)

You may think you know who you are, who the people around you are, have some idea about the world you inhabit, but I guarantee you that you, me and everyone are completely unaware of much more than we could even imagine.

The this and that, the here and there, the then and now, the us and them, it’s all an illusion. This entire life is an illusion, meant for play, but ultimately testing your very soul.

We went for a hike. It was a beautiful day. Lots of people out and about.

Then he invited me to lunch. To a place I’ve never been. It was good.

But I wasn’t a very good date. I was bored. I was distracted. I was not talking much at all. And I wasn’t hiding my boredom very well either.

It wasn’t not fun. It was ok. No sparks, but he didn’t have any blaring faults. He talked bad about his exes. Since most people do that I can hardly fault him there. He talked a lot. But mostly probably because I wasn’t.

The funniest part was that it was more than half way through the date when we realized we didn’t even know each other’s names. Lol. Now that was funny.

My head wasn’t in the game. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel like going through the motions as much as I just wasn’t all that interested in anything, not even eating.

He tried to engage me with talk about sex and I simply couldn’t be pulled out from this fog. But I did enjoy people watching. That still fascinates me.

I’m home. I took a heavy dose of THC. Wanting to drink, but won’t.

Maybe I’ll just repeat last night: bubble bath, orgasm, sleep.

Nothing else sounds appealing.

I’m in a blah kind of place. Not sure anything or anyone can fix that.

Well……I talk to my therapist tomorrow.

Deep sigh……

I’m fine.

💋

I have a date. More like a meet-up. We’ve been talking a bit. He seems nice. Older. I’m apprehensive and I don’t know if it’s the pandemic, my self imposed quarantine or just nerves.

This is only my second time out of the house since I’ve been back from California. The first was for groceries and to pick up my thyroid meds. Trader Joe’s doesn’t have delivery service unfortunately and I was all out of meds so I couldn’t wait for mail delivery.

(But tomorrow I also have to do laundry. So my self-imposed quarantine isn’t all that possible really. I’m trying but realistically it is what it is. I have things I need to do.)

I explained everything to him and suggested that even if all goes well and there is chemistry we not kiss. Which is a stance I would never normally take but these are strange times.

I have no choice though, if I want to establish a companion/lover I have to meet people. There is no other way.

Let’s see how it goes.

6 feet distance with masks is still an odd way to meet people. Lol

I can’t wait til the sex club is open again.

When I sat around with my girlfriend’s and we all shared what we missed the most during this pandemic I of course said “the sex clubs”. Everyone rolled their eyes. No one was surprised. I laughed. We moved on. But what I really miss is school for the kidlets.

I’d love to see them back in school. At least the little one. She is really struggling with the online school and lack of playing with kids her age.

But I don’t have control over any of that. I do have control over my sex life. So here we go.

💋💋💋

HBO has a series loosely based on Bruce Lee’s written accounts. It looks really good, but also really violent. I suppose I’ll give it a chance. But I’ll say it again, why can’t they make all these shows in two edits, the whatever rating they are targeting and then PG-13 or even PG-8? Whatever it has to be to get rid of the gore and cut down the violent scenes.

I simply don’t care for it. I do like love scenes, but I would be willing to sacrifice them because some shows I simply won’t watch just because it’s too violent. I really can’t do it.

I don’t enjoy it. It’s like spicy food. A little is ok. Too much and that’s all I can taste and my mouth is on fire. So is my brain with the violence. It is very disturbing to me.

And I’ve seen enough of it in real life to not have to feel I have no concept of the violence that does exist in this reality. I do. Trust me.

——

When I was in California I took a gander at Amazon Prime’s nature scenery. They had some programs that were pure scenery with pleasant music. I would put my music on and leave those shows playing beautiful landscapes and use THC to unwind and fall asleep. Since I was only able to orgasm a few times the cinematography helped a lot. It was very soothing.

Hopefully I’m back on track though. I guess we will know soon. Lol

😉💋😈

It’s been 13 years since my grandmother died and I did all my grieving for her before while she was slowly dying at home.

This feels much heavier. I’m having a hard time eating and talking. My energy levels are down. I force myself to eat when I start feeling dizzy. Which means I will need to start exercising to get hungry again. That will help. But right now I have zero motivation to do that.

I was reading the last text I sent my therapist, right after my mom died and I was telling her how numb I was feeling. So I guess grieving is better than numb.

I generally don’t like indulging negative emotions, like sadness. In fact I’ve been toying with a new concept all together. One where I can allow myself to feel however I want to feel. Regardless of if the emotion has any justification.

The way I see it, at any given time we expect our emotions to match whatever we have going on in our lives; internally and externally. But the spectrum of emotions is vast. Put a million people in a room to share an experience and you will get all kinds of different interpretations of said happening and the feelings had. Is there a wrong or right there?

Why can’t I let myself experience any emotion I want at any time I want? And……. I’ve decided, unequivocally, that I can.

To the extent I can control my thoughts and emotions and steer myself to feeling happy and content I will do so, regardless of circumstances.

But….in this situation now I feel I should honor whatever feelings arise as part of the process of living through her death. And I’ll be gentle and kind to myself through it all.

——

I’m also feeling a bit vulnerable or raw. I’m still on FetLife, talking to men. But for now I want to quarantine a week more. As much as possible at least. I do need to do laundry this week. That’s unavoidable, unless I want to throw out the dozen soaked towels that the kids used to dry the floors and all the mats that were on it. Which is money I don’t want to spend.

I’m just wondering if now is the best time to date feeling so tender inside; emotionally. It will be a new experience. Guess I will try it out and see how it goes.

Restaurants being closed is a huge nuisance for dating. As that’s primarily where I like to have first dates. It’s an adequate way to access demeanor, generosity, manners, conversation topics, etc.

I get a good feel for people when I eat with them. Plus I enjoy eating out, so it seems worth the effort for the time and energy it takes to get dolled up.

But I may have to switch to hiking. I won’t be able to access as much, but men open up more when you stand or sit beside them than if you sit across from them. I suppose it feels more natural and neutral; less like an interrogation, so that actually makes sense.

Guess I will need to go buy some cute and warm workout clothes. It’s winter in Portland though. But…. if I want companionship and sex I don’t feel I have much of a choice really.

———

My friends want us to move back to California. I explained that even if I wanted to we can’t afford it. I do miss my friends, but the truth of the matter is I’m genuinely not sure I really would want to anyway.

Right now I’m more concerned with the teenager and what her plans are for college.

I’m concerned with the house.

I’m wondering about my colon hydrotherapy business and equipment.

Plus……I really like Oregon. But I’d also like to travel and see the world.

——-

I’ve been eating a lot of bananas because they satiate my stomach enough to stop the dizziness. But I don’t really like bananas. They just seem a quick means to an end. But they process quickly. I guess I need to add some kind of nut butter to it. More energy than I want to utilize, but necessary I suppose.

Need to figure something else out though because I really do not like bananas. I do like the small ones. The tropical, apple bananas, as I think they are known informally. Maybe I’ll buy those this week.

——–

The kids leave tonight. So I get to masturbate and sit and stare at the walls without the kids worrying about me. Not sure how to get this out of my system quicker. Hopefully I can get a session in with my psychologist this week.

A lot has happened since New Year’s Eve and I don’t think I’ve processed it all yet. So talking to her will be helpful. It always is.

——–

Enjoy today❣️

🙏🏽🌏🌈💋