“I am a pedophile” I said

“No” he said. “You’re absolutely not”.

But I enjoy the thought of a young girl with a grown man. It arouses me and I can’t help that it arouses me. Even when I don’t want it to, it does.

“But you see yourself as the role of the victim. This is all due to your abuse. You would never hurt anyone.” he supplicated. I could hear the angst in his voice as he tried desperately to convince me I was wrong.

“What we do together is just role-playing. It’s fun. There is no harm there.” he pleaded, seeing how upset I still was.

But I really am not sure I can fully agree with him on that.

——

I met with a hypnotherapist a while ago. I told her how I didn’t want to be aroused by these thoughts anymore. And even knowing why they are here, why they exist, how they developed to help me cope, how they influenced me deeply as my first sexual experience doesn’t make it any better or easier.

She wanted me to fill out all these forms expressing in great detail all the pain and emotional turmoil, all the details surrounding it and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t share it. I couldn’t open up about it. The shame was too overwhelming. I didn’t expect her to understand or empathize. I don’t expect anyone to truly understand. Because it feels so extraordinarily uncommon and so very dispicable and dirty.

I feel like a leper. Except my leprosy is hidden from view. And while it’s not contagious or dangerous it is something I have to keep hidden and secret and that somehow makes it even more painful and difficult to cope with.

——-

I remember him asking me “where do people go to get help for this?”

And I told him how hard it was to find help. That most people don’t get help until they get caught up in the system. Even if one wanted to get help, it’s almost impossible to find. You can find specialized psychologist if you try hard enough, but you have to be very careful what you tell them, which makes it difficult to open up, trust and tell them the entire truth and extent of it, especially if you’ve already done something questionable or illegal.

We were, of course, talking about perpetrators not victims, like myself, but the truth of it is quite sad. There are few to no resources for people that have this issue and want help for themselves or want help for family members; beyond just talk therapy.

Which most are probably not apt to even try. So they must fend for themselves. Which means they sometimes find others that feel the same and are trying to also abstain or worse they find others that are perpetuating it.

It’s such a sad situation, any way you look at it. It’s why I wanted to open a clinic. Because one person cured or abated from harming others, especially vulnerable children, is a benefit to the world.

This disease of the mind or of a person’s sexuality is so hidden from everyday view and yet so very utterly damaging when actualized. It isn’t fair to let children take the brunt of something society doesn’t want to face or address in a productive, civilized and proactive way.

I understand it, not just because I have lived through it, but because I understand the desire of it and how subconscious and insidious it can be. It makes me keenly aware of how destructive it truly is. And society lets it fester, bubble and brew unabated by turning a blind eye to it. Because for every person caught and put in the system hundreds more linger outside the spotlight.

Am I a pedophile? I’m definitely not a predator or perpetrator. I am not going to ever cause harm to any child or allow harm to come to them, not if I can help it and especially not in this manner.

I wish I could do more. I want to do more. Especially now, with so many children stuck at home with no relief from any abuse they may be encountering there. No one to really tell, no even brief respite from the terror of being someone’s prey.

I try not to cry because it is so deeply upsetting to me. But if I can prevent one person from becoming a victim (like myself), or worse yet a predator, then what I’m talking about and wishing to do is a noble and worthwhile cause.

But I don’t have the resources to do anything about any of this. I suppose I can start by doing research though. Maybe I can be an advocate.

But first I must get myself to a place where I know I won’t be sucked into any abyss. I need to get myself to a place where I know I am truly healed. Because manipulation and seduction is a strong suit of hyper-intelligent pedophiles and I don’t want to be caught in anyone’s web, especially not having children at home.

It’s why I probably shouldn’t date at all right now. It’s why I may never get married again. I think I’ve gotten to a place where I have truly accepted this fate and my past. I just don’t want others to experience this same pain ever, not if I can help it.

πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆπŸ’‹

Know exactly what you want or wait and see what presents itself?

This has always been an interesting juxtaposition to me.

Do you stand firm in what you want and pursue it fiercely?

Or do you go with the flow, see what presents and decide if that will do?

I lean towards the latter, but I think that lends me to be too accommodating sometimes.

As far as my love life goes……

if I were to choose to be in a power exchange relationship, then it very much needs to be the former.

However, being Domme is a lot of work. It comes with many benefits and it is satisfying on many levels, but it is still work. The only way for that to not feel like work is to be deeply compelled through infatuation/obsession and it’s very rare for me to feel that. Not impossible or even improbable, simply rare.

I actually really want to start dating again, but almost solely as an experiment on myself. Who am I attracted to? What is my subconscious pushing me towards? I am so very curious to see and gauge my own evolution. Have I progressed at all?

I am resigned to accept wherever it is I am in this journey of healing. I am ready to dole out ample compassion for myself because I am not overly optimistic about where I currently am, truthfully.

Yet I have very thankfully managed to walk myself out of some fires or be pushed/pulled out, I can’t differentiate right now. But how many more times am I willing to put myself through that?

I don’t have answers, only questions and hypotheses.

I’m definitely not ready right this moment to test it. I have things I really want to work on. I have a lot more inner work to do, more healing.

I want to reach a place where I am completely comfortable and absolutely in love with myself, not in a vain and selfish way, but in a very loving and supportive way. I want to be my own biggest fan and have the emotional foundation for myself to be the best I can be, without needing outside assurances of who that is. But knowing for myself who am and being happy and at peace with that.

Who knows where this road of life leads? Right now, I’m going to try to make the most of the time I have in this body, in this time period, in this world. I’m not gonna push forward any agenda of who I am, what the world is, or how things should be.

I’m going to keep to the path that promotes my own inner happiness and remain humble through the many blessings (I hope) life continues to bring me.

And that’s enough for right now. Right?

πŸ₯°πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆβœŒπŸ½πŸ’–πŸ’‹

I’ve built immunity or antibodies

(thankfully, knock on wood)

Of course, I am also supplementing with high doses of vitamin C, vitamin D, hydrogen peroxide, vitamin B IV drips and nicotine gum. It’s a strange mix, but I don’t seem to be having many of the symptoms I was having at the beginning of all this anymore.

Even not that long ago, when I would spend a lot of time in public, running errands I would start to feel light-headed and dizzy sometimes, and get a nagging frontal lobe headache. These are things I never really experienced before the virus that started to become customary.

But as of late (knock on wood) I haven’t felt them at all. So I think I’ve finally built enough immunity or antibodies to not have issues anymore.

I’m still going to be cautious, wear my mask, and continue with my protocols, but I feel I am pretty clear of it. We shall see, but for now this is great news and I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Today I’m taking food to the Voz worker center. I had been taking food to my local food bank but I feel they get a lot of assistance. There are several places to get food close by. A local church is giving weekly 30lbs boxes of produce and dairy. The food bank here and another close by provide weekly boxes as well. Plus if one still needed food for a larger family, one could drive into Portland for more.

But a lot of the people at Voz don’t have cars and some don’t have licenses, which some food banks require. I just feel that they are more underserved and these are men willing to work hard labor during a pandemic. So I am applauding their effort and addressing their need, because no one should go hungry.

I myself have been hungry, homeless and poor and it sucks, horribly. So I help when I can.

Well…..better get my day started.

KissesπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

I stand guard

I reevaluate myself fairly often. Am I being honest? Am I being kind? Am I being true to my beliefs? Am I letting the stress of life get to me? Am I making decisions based on fear?

It’s why no matter who says something to me, but especially if it’s someone I love, and whether it’s a compliment or a complaint I take a beat to listen and evaluate it.

I do this not to drive myself into neurosis, but to stand guard against the corruption of my soul.

Because I am the gatekeeper.

Others may have influence, others play a part, but ultimately I am the final authority on the trajectory it takes.

Contrary to the excuses and justifications people like to use to excuse their behavior; circumstances and opportunities play only a small part.

They open and close doors but it is I who decide to go through them or not. It is I who decide, whether consciously or not which way my moral compass points.

And I wish it were as easy as setting it and being done forever.

But this life challenges one constantly, continually to choose. And those choices have repercussions we don’t get to always see or understand.

Which is why I stand guard against the corruption of my own morality.

I stand guard against my own laziness.

I stand guard against my own greed.

I stand guard against my own bitterness.

Because I don’t want to be caught off guard. And I don’t want to let myself slip into an abyss of complacency.

Unfortunately, it takes work to do this and it takes sacrifices. Because the easy way is not usually the correct way.

And I sometimes lament my own stances, because they cause me difficulties, because they can be hard to stomach.

Especially when others who don’t seem to have standards to live by seem to get much farther ahead and have more fun.

But ultimately, I am proud of who I am. I sleep well at night. My heart is at peace. My mind isn’t wheeling and dealing it’s way through life trying to get ahead at any price. I have a mostly peaceful inner life.

And those things are valuable to me beyond measure.

Is it easy?

Sometimes yes, sometimes very much no.

But it’s worth it.

I suppose if it was truly easy to have integrity and valor this world wouldn’t be in the mess it is now though. Would it?

All I can do here is my part, my best.

Do I fail sometimes?

Yes, miserably so.

But I pick myself up and keep going. Because I believe in myself. I believe in my beliefs. I believe in the value of compassion and truth and I try to hold myself accountable for my own actions.

I stand guard because no one else can truly stand guard for me and I take it on because it is one of the few fights in this world truly worth dying for…. the very breath of my soul.

I don’t count myself better than others for this challenge I take on. If anything it probably paints me in the light of a martyr, which I am not trying to be.

But everyone must pick a battle in life, whether we choose to acknowledge that or not. And while not all battles are worthwhile I have not been given the duty to judge them, nor do I want it.

The world is vast, our choices innumerable. Our lives are our own adventures and we must choose wisely.

So I stand guard as my way to guide myself because no matter how bleak or how many shiny objects I’m presented with, there is always a choice.

And the best way I’ve found to choose wisely is by following my heart and the soft whisper of my own soul.

I hope you find your own path to inner peace.

πŸ₯°πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒπŸŒˆβœŒπŸ½πŸ’–πŸ’‹

Dreaming about the possibilities

I’ve qualified to move on with the 911 job. Interviews will be towards the end of the month.

I’m slowly starting to save money and pay down my credit card. I am procrastinating on buying a new computer because it’s an expense that while I need to make I really don’t want to.

And I woke up wondering what to do with my studio space once we get back in the house.

I suppose it depends what my financial picture looks like then. So all I can do now is formulate different options.

I can turn this bedroom into a red room and rent it out on Airbnb. However if I’m working and not home for over 12 hours, 4 days a week, that may not be the safest option.

I can lease it out, but I’m really not enjoying being a landlord as it is now, so I can’t see how that would be much different.

I can turn it back into a colon hydrotherapy clinic, but that will depend on what the economy looks like and how my colleagues are faring. Since I’ve been closed I’ve only had 5 people reach out for services.

But also, I was only averaging about $2k a month with that business and I need to bring home at least twice that to cover my expenses and that is with alimony and child support needed as well.

I will be losing some child support this year when the eldest turns 18 and I only have a few years left of alimony, so I need to start preparing to live without it.

Still…. life is so much more bearable to me when I can dream some part of the day away with unlimited possibilities of what the future might bring.

What does the world need? What would be of the most use for this space? What would be a win/win?

I’ll just keep dreaming things up. You never know where your imagination will take you, if you let it❣️

✌🏽🌈🌏πŸ₯°πŸ™πŸ½πŸ’‹

It’s hard to on the one hand be truly grateful for the life I have and on the other deeply feel and fully see the inequality, inhumanity and injustices of the world.

Knowing we are capable of so much goodness. Knowing we are capable of so much love and compassion. Knowing how much better off we are working together. How much we could accomplish if we stopped taking sides and being selfish and worked towards the greater good of all humanity and the entire world.

It is a hard pill to swallow knowing we are capable of so many privileges and powers we aren’t accessing because we aren’t taught to see and understand them.

Take our psychic abilities, they lay mostly dormant and are purposefully squelched at worst and deeply misunderstood at best.

Take our innate abilities to connect to each other and God. They seem to be held at bay by religions that tell you there is only one special way to access “heaven”. When heaven is here, available now, to each and every one of us through the omnipotent power of love.

There is so much in life we are needlessly blinded to. There is so much we are capable of. We humans are such brilliant, beautiful, powerful creatures. And yet society pushes us into these narrow little boxes telling us more about what we can’t do then the truth of what we can do.

I cry so much over this. Because I can see so clearly how life doesn’t have to be this way. And yet I have no choice but to accept it as it is, in order for me to find peace within myself.

It’s the strangest and worst juxtaposition I can think of.

And all I can do is just to keep being me, keep speaking my truth, keep trying to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. Keep trying to free the world from the shackles of fear and hatred, by showing that there are other ways to live. Better ways.

And have compassion for those that are not willing, able, or wanting to see it for themselves.

What else is there?

My deepest intention and desire is for us all to be truly free and deeply happy and that comes not necessarily easily, because we are purposefully misguided from the simplest, truest path to that inner freedom and peace but I still find it worthwhile challenging myself to find it and hopefully making a difference in this world by doing so.

πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ’‹

Rampant emotions / big ol’ food cart lesbo? / Running away (long)

Yesterday was an emotional day. I cried a lot, just randomly really. Doesn’t help that I am pms’ing.

I kept singing the True Colors song, which is a total tear jerker to begin with.

And I kept wondering why I chose Tony to go home with. I didn’t know he was married until I got to his house and had to actually ask him, but still.

Why? What drew me to him besides that he just seemed like a nice guy. Not to say he isn’t, just that he doesn’t draw a line at disrespecting his wife so what does that say?

I really, honestly wasn’t expecting anything to come from it. I just didn’t want to go home.

———

This morning I woke up early and attended a zoom meeting on starting a food cart business in Portland. It was informative. I know I can turn my studio into a commissary already, since I had it pre-inspected a few years ago.

The thing it….. I truly do love owning and running my own business.

I absolutely loved colon hydrotherapy, but never have I struggled so much to build a business as I did with that one. Which makes me believe that no matter how much I loved it or how good I was at it, it simply wasn’t meant to be.

I should know this week if I get an interview for the 911 job.

I am still considering the court interpreter opportunity as well but I can’t bank on it. Having to pass two very difficult tests and wait a whole year is daunting. But the financial security and flexibility of that job is worth keeping it in consideration and at least trying. The worst that can happen is that I take the time to study hard and vastly improve my Spanish and interpreting skills.

Plus I think I would enjoy it, and it would be rewarding. Albeit also stressful and emotional to watch people during trying times in their lives. Because, generally speaking, no one goes to court for fun. And having to stay quiet when things are unjust and unfair will be hard for me, because from what I’ve been told, one sees that a lot.

——

I was telling my tween that maybe I would consider trying to date women when I actually start dating. But will I? I can’t remember being genuinely drawn to a woman outside physical attraction. And I have honestly never desired a connection beyond just friendship with one since high school.

Maybe it’s that I’m much more forgiving of men’s character flaws. Maybe I’ve just never really tried opening that door emotionally again since being rejected as a very shy teen.

I enjoy men so very much, but being with a woman would, in certain aspects, definitely make my life much easier. But is that me trying to run away from my demons? I’ve always said love doesn’t know gender and I truly believe that to be true. I guess I need to figure out my motivation.

If I am trying to run away from my problems then that is not the right course. If I am simply trying to broaden the possibilities and try something new, then that seems acceptable. So I need to figure out which it is before I decide to switch gears and involve someone else in all this.

Funny how life presents you with choices constantly, every moment, every day and we simply take it all so for granted.

—–

I keep having these daydreams of leaving. Of going to some tropical beach, or just somewhere more spiritual and grounded where I feel I fit in better; where I am needed and truly welcome. Some place that feels like home. Like that feeling most people get when they go to Hawaii. A peaceful, happy feeling of belonging.

But my home is wherever my kids are.

That I’ve had a very difficult time here is probably mostly due to all the emotional turmoil of the divorce and the aftermath of that.

The harshness of the recognition of how my traumatic childhood has deeply impacted my partner selection and my sexuality. How I need to mitigate the harm it has already cost me and my children and also ensure that my choices going forward don’t cause any additional damage.

Some days like yesterday the thought of just running away from it all and starting fresh somewhere is just so damn appealing. But, love means never leaving. And I love these girls more than anything in this world. So if I must stay and keep trying to build us a life here than that is what I shall keep doing.

I’m just hoping I can stay clear of tears today. Some days I enjoy crying because it gives me great release as an outlet for my heartache and others I find it debilitating, because it just makes the pain feel so real and present. Yesterday was the latter and it felt very unproductive. But who knows, maybe on some level that’s what I needed. To just sit in my sadness. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

But today is another day, so let’s focus on that. πŸ’‹πŸ˜œ

✌🏽🌈🌏πŸ₯°πŸ™πŸ½β£οΈ

Tragedy all over the world

From the climate or pollutions to our environments, to the treatment of poor, marginalized and minority people all over the world.

There is deep travesty everywhere you look.

I don’t understand these things. Not how they are allowed as much as how the people perpetuating it live with themselves. How have we allowed our souls to be so cruel?

Are these things connected?

I don’t know.

Fragile – Sting

But can you lead people kicking and screaming to change? Even if it’s for the betterment of all. Even if it inevitably benefits them as well and they just can’t see it. I don’t know that you can show people something if they aren’t ready and willing.

But I suppose it’s good to try.

It’s just that to me it all comes down to the same thing it always comes down to: mutual respect, compassion, honor/integrity, truth and accountability.

Why these things don’t seem readily available and easily accessible to mortal humans I’m truly not sure.

πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

That’s my bitch

I am sorry but I just find it hysterically funny to turn the sexual stereotypes on their head. It gives me infinite joy. Don’t ask me why? Maybe because it doesn’t make sense to me either way, so why not do it this way? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚

I’ll give you a simple example.

I go to poker rooms. I’ve played poker since I was seven. I can’t count the odds but I can read the room pretty well and it’s fun, even when I lose.

Which isn’t that often. I generally push overall. I’ve never kept count though honestly. Sometimes I win. I definitely win enough to very much enjoy it at least and get pocket money or at least keep what I have.

But then again maybe other players are just being nice to me. πŸ€” Who knows?

Anyway……

Last time I went Darcy went with me. I thought she would play, but she didn’t want to. She sat behind me just like a lot of girlfriends do.

However, you never see a man calmly and happily sitting behind a woman playing. And even though Darcy and I are not a couple and I don’t think we have that vibe, I couldn’t help but smile thinking about her being “my bitch” and then the thought occured to me about a man being “my bitch” exactly like that. And I smiled even more. That was a good day and not just because I walked out a few hundred up. Lol

And I don’t mean this as any insult to women. Women don’t like to be called girl, bitch, cunt, etc. I really don’t care. To me it’s not about the word itself. It’s about who says it and how it’s said; what is meant by it. Because you can use a perfectly benign word and fill it with vile hatred.

And that’s not my intent. At all.

I mean “my bitch” in the absolute best sense of that. If that can be said. Lol

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‰πŸ˜πŸ˜

That was short lived

Is it funny, sad, or just plain lunacy?

I don’t even know anymore.

I went to the casino tonight. I walked out about a thousand dollars up and went home with Tony. It was amazing how much we had in common. Shitty childhood. Loveless marriage. Moved around a lot. There’s more, I’m just tired and can’t remember.

He made me dinner and we talked a lot. We made out some, but 2am is late for me. So I excused myself and here I am in bed alone.

He was hard as a rock though. Telling me how sexy I am. Making all those lovely grunting noises I enjoy from a man. Pulling me into him as if I was the last gulp of water in a heat wave.

It was all in all an invigorating evening and the cute dealer even hummed me Cyndi Laupers “True Colors” song.

I had two drinks, one at the casino and one at Tony’s, which is maybe the worst of all the infractions.

Tony is cute. Retired air force. But he’s also married. I think the story about being roommates and staying together for the kids is plausible enough.

He has a nice place. But it’s their home. Her home. Which is why I refused to lay or even sit on their bed. He understood. Fortunately. And didn’t press me to have sex either although he did try.

Which is good with me. It’s like the conversation I had with a guy when I told him I was thinking of going pro Domme. He told me his friend was one and that every single client always tried to have sex with her. I laughed and told him “Cool with me, as long as they know no is no and abide by the rules. Because frankly I think I’d be a little insulted if they didn’t at least try.”

But I’m a strange duck I guess.

Maybe it gets old? I wouldn’t know.

Tony wants me to come back to his house tomorrow. But my plan right now is to stay home stoned all day. I have boxes to get to and I just want a lazy day of nothing and no one. Just me and my thoughts. Loud music, pot and a very long bath.

I should lecture myself at some point about my bad choices in life. But not now. I’m too tired.

πŸ’€πŸ’‹

Boredom / end of an era

It’s been a while since I’ve sat with boredom for any extended period of time; years actually. Between working so much, the kids, Brad, the mounds of paperwork for the IRS, unemployment, the PPP loan apps and the loan modification, and then moving.

But things are settling down and I’m coming into a few days of not much to do. Not that I don’t have things to do. I can always find things I should and could be doing. But there is nothing absolutely pressing. It’s nice but also a tad distressing. I sometimes make bad decisions out of boredom.

You know……

whenever I talk to someone that is trying to change their life, implement new habits, stop harmful behavior, etc. I always say “stop focusing on what you don’t want and focus on what you do want. Keep adding in the things you want in your life and soon enough the things you don’t want will naturally, gradually fall away.”.

I absolutely believe this to be true. It’s just one of those easier said than done things. The thing about addiction, whether it’s to a feeling, a person, a thing, an experience is that finding things that occupy or satisfy that itch isn’t always easy and withdrawal is not a fun process to go through for anyone.

And focusing on the bigger picture is easy to say. Focusing on where you want to be, who you want to be is helpful but in and of itself not always enough.

Which is why I sometimes like sitting in my boredom. Because it allows me to see myself more clearly; what motivates me, what lingers in the corners taunting me, the small nuances of my mind I don’t usually pay much attention to. They all come out to play when I’m bored. Clamoring for attention. And it’s good to see into these pockets of my psyche.

And sometimes boredom motivates me to do some pretty great things. You just never know with these things.

I’m looking forward to seeing what I see. Seeing what comes out of it. It may not all be pretty. I may not be able to contain the demons. I may feel angels come to offer me their grace. One never knows what will happen when we can slow down enough to truly pay attention to it all. Does one?

🌈🌏✌🏽πŸ₯°β£οΈπŸ™πŸ½πŸ€—πŸ’‹

——

Effective immediately:

I’ve decided to turn my focus away from men entirely. This pandemic gives me the perfect opportunity to do that without feeling like I’m missing out on anything. And I’m officially deciding I don’t want to be married again, ever.

Men enjoy having my love, my attention, having sex with me. They enjoy my company. They admire my qualities. And while that’s all absolutely great, my focus is not on seeing myself through the lens of a man or even as a couple. I want to see myself as my own person. I want to focus on me; my own desires, my own attention, my own admiration.

That’s much more important to me right now and I’m truly very fortunate and extremely grateful to be in a position in my life where I don’t need a man; not financially, not sexually (although I may need to invest in some better toys), not emotionally (not that most men know how to be emotionally supportive, some do though).

And I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where I truly enjoy spending time alone. I don’t have that nagging FOMO at all anymore, not even when it comes to relationships. It makes it easier that I’ve never been an envious person.

Because I can see a happy couple enjoying time together and be happy for them, without it taking away anything from my own experiences and life. If anything it reminds me that life has its ebbs and flows. I have been there and one never knows what life will bring.

I am simply choosing to no longer focus on men at all. This is new to me. So let’s see how it goes. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œπŸ’‹