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I’ve been melancholic since yesterday.   I think I’m struggling with how hard my life is; how little support I have.  And how it will become more difficult next month when the teenager leaves for college.   And there’s nothing to be done but keep moving ahead. 

I really need to get my ass back in the gym.  I’m going to force myself to go again, starting Monday.  I know it will help my mood and my energy level. But I have had zero motivation to do anything that isn’t imperative. 

Except exercise IS imperative to my overall well being and I need to schedule it in to my life so it becomes part of my daily routine, my habit.  I know what a huge difference that would make.  So I need to get on it.  “I want to”, she says to herself half heartily.  😒

Nathan will be back tomorrow.  I could use some affection.  Touch is so soothing and healing.  I doubt we will be able to have sex until Sunday at the earliest, because he has to take a pill so we need to preplan it. 

He said to me, what I understood to be, that if I commit to him it will give him peace of mind and his dick will respond accordingly and not need the pills always. 

This sounds a bit suspect, but why would he set up a false expectation like that?  I’m sure he is trying to encentivize me but it only leaves me confused.  It’s interesting that he would say that though.  Can it be true? It’s intriguing, but it’s not a motivating factor.

The pills work great.  And while spontaneous sex is nice and not having to preplan sex would be great, it’s not a make or break.  It would just be a nice option.  It is a bit unfortunate that it isn’t a possibility, but I can live with it. 

Brad is going a bit stir crazy in Virginia.  I hope this Nathan ordeal hasn’t added to his distress, although I’m pretty sure it has. We’ve been bickering.  Both of us grouchy is never good. 

Meanwhile I thought I was finally done with this whole chandelier thing.  But no!!!  It’s the shit job that just keeps getting shittier.  I rented a van, drove through an hour of bumper to bumper traffic to get to the shipper and they tell me “yeah sorry, turns out we can’t insure it”.   After everything!  I was livid, absolutely livid.

So the saga continues.  And the asshole worker says to me “did you try uship?”.  I’m glaring at him, too upset to even tell him to fuck off.  I’m standing at his shipping company ready to drop off a package which I’ve confirmed and arranged beforehand, and he asks me if I contacted another carrier.  God, some people really do deserve to be bitch slapped. 

I am calling the manager tomorrow and if they don’t come through on their written promise then I’m taking them to small claims court for restitution.  I did not spend my entire afternoon in traffic, and all this money renting a truck for them to dismiss me so casually.  “Oh sorry, our mistake.”

Jeezus this year has been so fucking trying.  I thought last year was bad.  I thought the last 6 years have been hard.  This is all getting to be too much for me.

I really need a solid break from everything.  I need some peace and comfort and some semblance of stability.  Something that makes me feel “it’s all gonna be ok”.  And it’s nowhere.  Absolutely nowhere. 

I can usually muster it within myself, but right now that’s a tall ask. I’m really wavering right now. I’m wanting to assess where in life I went wrong exactly. Where did I make my biggest misstep. Where???

Guess it doesn’t matter. I can’t go back in time. I can’t make amends. I can’t give myself a heads up. So really!!

I’m so tempted to just stop trying. Just absolutely stop giving any fucks about anything anymore. Jeezus, I can see why people struggle to get out of bed. I can see why people commit suicide. I can see why drugs are so prevalent. I can see why we have so many vices.

Life is hard!! Too hard sometimes. Just way too fucking hard. 😔😔😔

And I’m not even mentioning all the other things in my life. Like the teenagers specialist appointment that is pivotal and got pushed back another month, or my aunt, or all the other shit in my life…. let alone the world.

Also not to mention that my ex husband is moving in with his girlfriend and her kids next week. They are getting a place big enough to have a room for our girls. And considering how much he wants to stop paying child support I am very worried he is going to try and take custody. Everyone tells me it’s an irrational fear and yet….. I can’t help but have it.

All I can say right now is thank God for pot and my hammock.

(I do have to say if I was the CEO of a company it would be sheer chaos or sheer brilliance; maybe both.  Lol)

Craig is so funny.  He checks up on me almost every week to see where my thirst level is.  He knows when it gets excessively high I will be very game for some tactile release.  And he has gladly offered his services to appease my needs.  

He hits a lot of boxes: emotionally mature, intelligent, financially stable, family oriented, into kink.  He not only listens to me, he also doesn’t need to be babysat or micromanaged. 

He is trustworthy.  His word means something.  Add to all this that he is attractive, owns his own house, runs his own business and doesn’t seem to have any vices.  We get along well, so I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m not all that into him. 

Maybe because there isn’t an element of danger.  He isn’t broken. He doesn’t “need” me.  But I’m just guessing here.  How does one truly know and understand one’s own underpinnings?  But if I had to guess I’m going with those things. 

He offered to give me some advice when I voiced how wearing it was in my two man situation.  Especially being as busy as I have been the last few days, running around like a mad chicken trying to get this chandelier shipped across the country. 

And then on top of the kids and every other aspect of my life having to manage two men who depend on me for emotional support, attention and affection.  It just feels like a bit much.  So when he offered advice I gladly took it.  Especially considering he is more emotionally mature than me and both men combined. 

So…..

I don’t particularly like talking on the phone.  But Brad has acclimated me to it and especially now that he is in Virginia I don’t have much choice in the matter.  Nathan also likes to call me at least once a day, usually more. 

I don’t mind texting.  My favorite mode of communication, of course.  But over the last couple days they have literally both called me at the same time three times.  This alone gives me so much anxiety.  I am bending.  But this will not stand for long. I just can’t keep at this.  Maybe if I was a bored housewife, and even then I mean maybe.

Now, as CEO I set the rules, right?  Craig says to me “you have the power right between your legs”. He says “don’t let your pussy be a pussy”. I was rolling from laughter when he told me this.  What a way with words.  Lol

So the gist of his message is that I need to weaponize these men’s desire for me; to get them to just chill and acquiesce to my needs.  I never considered my vagina a weapon.  I consider it more of a beautiful gift I choose to share.  Seeing it closer to a weapon of mass destruction is quite the comedic take.

It’s the antithesis of the 8 Mile Wide vagina song.  Which is also an uproar of a thought. I guess it’s always a matter of perspective. 

Brad isn’t asking much really.  He is just very vocal and fervent in his desire for us to be into a heavily kink lifestyle.  He loves talking about it. Not sure that we don’t already talk about sex way too much but it’s a topic we never argue about, at least. 

But his distaste for Nathan seems to be growing exponentially.  And this presents a problem because since day one he has always said I can do as I please.  Which has always meant I can fuck whom I please.   And while he says I still can I also see him growing angrier and angrier. 

Meanwhile I need to have a very serious conversation with Nathan about how this is just sex.  Sex with a lot of emotion, but ultimately just sex and friendship.  But also,  his grandmother just died.  The funeral is tomorrow and so this conversation doesn’t have to happen soon. Just sometime before Brad gets back I suppose.  So he can know where this all stands and stop pressuring me for more.  Decide if he can accept this or not. 

I’m ok with this relationship being temporary.  He can date.  He can still go out and try to find his Mrs. B.  I offer him no impediments to that.  I simply ask if he sleeps with other people to give me a heads up.  That seems more than reasonable to me. 

I guess the thing is that I am deeply attracted to very emotional guys.  And emotional guys are much more of the commitment type.  And I am understanding finally that I, myself, while also deeply emotional am very commitment phobic. But I feel that’s a good default for me.  Especially right now with my life in disarray. 

It all boils down to one thing for me here: I am not inclined for more right now.   I am fine with things as they are, minus the drama.  I feel no need to make any other choice.  I feel no need to do much about any of this.  I don’t want to be part of or orchestrate some extravagant kink lifestyle for Brad.  And I don’t want to commit to Nathan. And that’s that. 

Now to write it up in a memo for distribution to the proper channels.  Maybe I can just copy and paste. But I tend to be much more honest on my blog than I am in person.  The words I use when I speak are softer, kinder, sweeter…. usually.  Maybe that’s my problem?  🤣😂🤣

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🥰🙏🏽💋

I have two huge pet peeves in life.  One will get you cut out of my life completely and one will irritate the crap out of me and push me away.  The first one is lying. I will not stand for it. Of all people in the world my kids get away with this the most. Something about unconditional love lets those miscreants get away with a lot more than I’d put up with from anyone else.

The next one is complaining. I know everyone does it. I do it too. But I have an extraordinarily low tolerance for it. If I hear the same complaint over and over or the same type of complaining (say for example work) over and over I will become very sullen and leave the conversation in my mind, trying to still my nerves by thinking of something totally different. It doesn’t interest me at all to hear people bitch.

I am slowly learning not to be a hypocrite and complain about someone complaining because that’s just more complaining. I would love to cut all habitual complainers out of my life completely.

But…. complaining is such a deeply ingrained human pastime. It’s also unfortunate that most people that habitually complain see no fault in their behavior and no reason to change.

And I have a penchant fo being surrounded by whiners. Now I get that part. As a friend it is my job to listen to my friends. And I feel bad because most of my friends have few friends too. So it makes sense they’d complain to me. But I don’t tend to handle it well. And my sullen, glossy eyed, I’ve stopped listening body language does little to deter some people.

The funny thing is that I feel like such a hypocrite. I do most of my complaining on this blog. So you guys get most of the brunt of my complaints. But even then I really do try to keep things in perspective.

This is such an expansive life. Filled with what seems infinite possibilities. Yet my inner landscape is mine to garden entirely and I choose to fill it with joy and happiness: gratitude above all. Which I think keeps me from being too much of a bore.

But maybe I’m giving myself too much credit. Lol

💋💋💋

We have ridiculously bad standards for moral and spiritual conduct in this world.

You know…. I like to think that I’m a mindful, honorable, empathetic, caring human being. But that’s all in comparison to what? Based on what scale? Upon who’s judgement?

I am spending my afternoon daydreaming. Stoned. The kids are with their father. My car check engine light came on earlier. I barely made it home. Inched my way up the hill at 20 miles an hour with my foot on the pedal all the way to the ground. I’m so not in the mood for any part of my life right now. I’ve called this a day.

So I’m sitting here wondering what I’d do if a higher conscious being showed up in front of me right now: be it an alien, angel, bigfoot, or whatever (ideology suits you better). And I was wondering on their scale where I would fit.

We are such fucking dumbasses. Us human beings and yet for the most part, our hearts are in the right place. It’s just that not necessarily our allegiances. Not who and what we stand behind. And yet free will gives us that choice and I’m thankful for that.

I just think that as a whole society itself fails human beings horrendously: consumerism, capitalism, selfishness, greed, entitlement, hypocrisy, lies. We sure do know how to reap the benefits of ego’s many pleasures. Even as we don’t fully understand or believe the price to be paid for it, eventually.

I have to laugh. I have to. Not just because I want to avoid crying but because I too get swept up in the fallacies. I too forget myself in the quest to be happy and indulge ego to the detriment of my own soul. I absolutely do. So how can I judge the fallible human condition of being human.

As a whole we are so much smarter, more capable, stronger together. But I also know the way we are going… the way the governments and countries of this world operate can not be sustained. We are not separate entities. We are one solid world.

Just as we are not one singular human being. We are the whole of consciousness, of eternity, of all that has and will ever be. And in that we have a responsibility to our soul heart, to that consciousness that gives us life, awareness, the spark of being…. to keep our spirit bright and alive during this brief hiccup of time we have to live here.

But no….. let’s keep entertaining ourselves with all the frivolities and superficial accoutrements…. that’s so much easier and much more fun. Right?

Or is it empty and meaningless and leaves us burnt out and callous? So disillusioned with ourselves and our lives that we reach out for the nearest vice to stifle the cries of despair our soul shrieks. Until it looses its voice and remains a silent hostage to its own pain. To the pain it must endure watching our little host bodies and minds squander any and all chances to be free.

Free of the bandages of oppression that stop us from living our lives genuinely our true selves: deeply connected to our hearts, our souls, mother nature, and our conscious oneness with all.

I really just don’t see with how much time has passed as sentient human beings on this planet how we are still so blind. Humanity has evolved so much in so many amazing ways and yet in the way that would be of most beneficial to us we are almost completely stagnate.

Religions for all their religiousness don’t move the pendulum very much. If anything it’s like jail. Put thieves amongst thieves and they just learn better skills. Put a lot of people in a situation where they have to be hypocrites to be “holy” and they just learn how to be better hypocrites. Lol

But what do I know. I’m too stoned to care about much right now. 😝

I do this to myself quite often. I underestimate how hard something will be.  And I overestimate not only how capable I am but how interested I will remain in the endeavor.  Not to say that when things get difficult I bail. Although I sometimes wish it could be that easy.

Case in point: I took on these chandeliers for this client.  I’ve sold chandeliers before.  Lucrative little resale market actually.  It could be quite a nice little niche. 

But I’m not set up for it.  Especially not shipping them.  And now I find myself in a bit of a problem trying to do something I’ve never actually done before; ship a chandelier across the country cheaply,  efficiently and safely. 

I’m struggling to find an adequate solution to hit all three of those marks.  Two out of three will not due.  Although I suppose of all those I don’t mind if it isn’t the most efficient use of my time and energy. 

So I’m giving myself 2 entire days to work on this.  So far all I have are vague ideas of how to accomplish this.  I have the shipper lined up and waiting.  So I just need to package it but this is becoming a much bigger problem than I realized it would be.

Another case in point: navigating a love/sex life with two men.  This has been exhausting from an emotional stand point. I’m uncomfortable with how things stand with Nathan. And then add to that Brad’s newfound and intense fear of losing me. This is definitely not a happy little polyamory thing going on.

Why I think I can take these things on and successfully navigate them is beyond me? Especially right now, when my life is in such chaos and I am still in a very emotionally fragile state from my mom passing and feeling so overwhelmingly vulnerable and alone in the world.

But what can I say, I’ve always been a bit of a “let’s dive in and figure this out as we go” person. Don’t look at the dangers. Don’t look at the pitfalls. Just charge!!!

Seeing it from this angle I really need to give myself more credit in life for all the times I have figured things out. I need to applaud all the victories I have had, even with my bull in the China shop tactics.

I just need a little bit more gumption right now to see things through and a lot more methodic planning. Suppose it’s never too late to tweak my strategies in life.

Especially considering that I have a lot less time and energy than I used to, as a spirited 20 and 30 year old. With age should come the experience and knowledge to finesse my way through life less hazardously. With less risk, difficulties and dangers.

Where is it? Has anyone see it? I misplaced my finesse somewhere again. Lol.

Oh…. my gooshnells. How I get myself into these predicaments in life is always so amusing to me. Getting out of them is the hard part. But forge ahead I must. What choice do I have?

Blindly stumbling along trying to find my bearings is definitely one way to navigate through this life. Ay yay yay. I really just have to laugh at my own idiocy sometimes. I really do. 🤔🤷🏽‍♀️😂

❤️‍🔥🌎🥰🌈🙏🏽💋

I don’t normally allow myself full days of rest. I always try to get something done; get things crossed off my to do list. Today the girls insisted we go to the river. I tried to protest and then realized I had no reason to. Nothing imminent needs to be done today.

So here we are…..

And I’m so very grateful……

❤️‍🔥🌎🥰🌈🙏🏽💋

Nathan and I were having the most amazing sex last night.  It was overwhelmingly good.  We were both covered in our own and each other’s sweat.  My hair sticking to my face.   Our bodies so closely interlaced.  Hours of extraordinary pleasure. 

It’s not making love but whatever it was stoked so much emotion I actually cried, a little.  And then I got super self conscious and hid my face and tried to pretend I was orgasming.  Then I got lost back in the passion and sensual pleasure and did orgasm.

And he says to me, in the middle of all this that he wants me to be Mrs. B.  and when I don’t respond he clarifies that he wants me to be his wife one day.  I can’t remember what I said.  But it wasn’t satisfactory, so I invoked his two week promise to not talk about it.

Jeezus, sex has no right to be so damn good…. I mean, I’m not complaining. It’s just that I am never satiated.  Which is completely unfair to him and well…. imagine never feeling completely full.  It’s the best and the worst at the same time.  And you can’t have sex all day long.  I have kids; things to do.  I need sleep.  I’m not at the age I can function without it anymore.

And his groin is pulled again, due to our escapades, and he is having a hard time even walking.  I feel for him.  I have been trying to be very mindful about it.  I even yelled at him when he lifted me up.  I should not have to babysit him.  It’s his injury.  But I did try to and it still didn’t help. 

He really has nothing to prove to me sexually.  We have great sex.  More of the same is absolutely fine with me.  I think I’m a pretty reasonable person about these things.  I don’t need the acrobatics, especially not at the cost of his well being.  Men can be such dorks.  I have to laugh.  I just do. 

I really don’t know what to say about him. He is just so scrumptious.  It’s like my pussy just wants to gobble him up.  And I can’t get enough.  Like Cardio B says “if the ni**a had a twin I’d let him run a train”.

Oh I remember now.  I said “I can promise to fuck you the rest of my life”.  Now…. I did mean it, I would love to fuck this man the rest of my life.  But can what’s said during sex really be counted?  I like to think so, that yes, mostly it does.  But I know I’ve caught even myself overindulging my libido with half truths.  Not purposefully, just caught up in it.  You know?

But I’m not about to agree to marriage. Let’s not get all ridiculous about things.  But he’s so super cute. He’s super sweet.  He tries. And we really can’t keep our hands off each other.

And while I’m comfortable with him and my lust for him seems boundless, it’s not enough for the white picket fence thing.     How do you tell someone that and not break their heart or bruise their ego?  How?  I have not figured that one out yet.  And obviously I’m not super incentivized to try all that hard either. 

He says we will always be friends. But he keeps pressuring me for more.  And on the drive home from his house I heard “Sweet Child of Mine” and “Rambling Man”.  He lives close enough that I only heard two songs.   

But here’s the weird part of that.  I had gone to 7/11 to get him Advil because I was leaving anyway and he really needed it for his pain. When I parked at his house the intro music had just started for the first song. 

I parked, walked up the drive, kissed him, talked for a moment, walked back down the drive and started up my car and the first line of the song started up.  The very first line.  I even verified it by re-reading the lyrics.  Even though I know the song by heart.

So at least one full minute had passed, possibly more, but the song literally seemed to pause while I dropped his meds off.  A song on the radio.  That is so improbable I feel like an idiot even saying it and yet it was so.  And I’m confounded.  Why does life throw things like this at me and then expect me to just go about my day like nothing.  Why???  No, like seriously why?

Nathan wants to see me again today.  Maybe he can come over here.  Then he can go home when he gets tired of trying to sleep.  Honestly, I think the main reason I can’t sleep at his house is that I just want to keep having sex.  I really do think that’s it.  SMH. 

I stopped trying to even count my orgasms anymore.  I can’t differentiate them.  Between squirting, orgasming, the intense pleasure and emotion I can’t even really tell anymore where one starts and one ends.  It’s both too many and too much pleasure and not enough.  It amazes me that he can keep me going.  It is absolutely amazing how good it feels.  I don’t want it to end. 

Meanwhile Nathan very much wants Brad out of the picture.  And Nathan refuses to even mention his name, so I never bring it up.  I’m not trying to stoke this war.  And Brad is growing more and more jealous of Nathan.  And while he loves talking about him, specifically the wild sex, I can tell he is worried. 

And I’m not trying to torture these men.  Brad still has no idea when he’s coming back to Oregon.  But meanwhile, since I was sick he has sent us pizzas and doordash several times.  And he’s paying for the girls and I to go get mani/pedis.  I can’t even remember the last time I got one.  Definitely not this year.  So that will be a nice treat.  This will also be the first mani/pedi for my smallest munchie. 

Meanwhile I woke up very grateful.  Grateful that I have control over my inner landscape as well as ample control over my life.  I’m not under anyone’s thumb.  I’m not being subjected to societal pressure or oppression.  I am pretty much doing as I please.  And that’s such a beautiful thing. 

Granted I can’t stay on this pace.  Right now I’m sort of living off the money my mom left me.  Which really isn’t much.  I’m trying to conserve it and stay neutral.  Not use more than what I take in from alimony and child support and thankfully the tax credit checks kicked in.  Because I haven’t been working much of anything.  

And I have so much to do and take care of.  But since being sick I’ve been feeling very weak.  Which is why Brad has been sending meals.  I’ve been so tired and the heat doesn’t help.  It’s gonna be in the 90’s again today.  And I have to go pick up the chandelier I just sold to ship out.  This packaging job alone will take a few days solid. 

Which delays my plans to organize the garage and prep downstairs for the Airbnb.  But there’s not much I can do.  I really think giving all the circumstances I’m doing all I can be doing, while not burning myself out and pushing myself too hard.  I have to take care of me.  I owe it to myself and my girls. 

But I really do want to figure out this insatiability thing.  Because truth be told…..it worries me a little.  I don’t like feeling out of my own control.  But maybe it’s just the newness of it and how great it is. Maybe it will subside naturally, given more time. Uncharted territory here with no map or guide. So your guess may be better than mine. Lol 🤷🏽‍♀️

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🥰🙏🏽💋

I’m gonna toot my own horn here for a second.  The funny thing is, I never gave myself any credit for having this skill.  I never put any thought into it.  It’s something I just assumed I could do ok enough, so that’s why I am trying it.

Turns out I do this very well, it comes very easy and natural and I’m actually pretty good at it. This happens in life. You’re good at something you never even thought of. You have a natural talent you aren’t even aware you have. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you enjoy doing it. Lol

For example: I also have very good hand eye coordination. I’m one of those people, that especially younger, could catch a falling glass before it hit the ground. It was more instinct than talent. It’s what made me decent at some sports.

But I never really liked sports, so I never gave it a chance. I liked some sports: archery, racketball, boxing/kickboxing. But I mostly let that natural talent go to waste because it just wasn’t something that interested me all that much.

So I have done translations and interpretation since I was a kid, when needed and asked to do it. I was always very comfortable doing it. I just never saw it as a talent. But yesterday as I was doing our homework assignment with my partner I realized how good I am at it. How natural it comes to me and how much I actually enjoy it.

Which all makes perfect sense. Spanish was my first language. It’s the only language spoken in my house growing up. Only the TV and the world outside my house operated in English. So when I actually started talking, I spoke in both languages. I would say “shoe zapato” to talk about my shoes.

I can’t remember thinking in both languages, but based on the ease and speed at which I can translate I would say my brain still has the capacity to think in both languages and because I don’t have to translate either language in my brain it makes it more fluid to translate one to the other.

I am absolutely sure this would not be the case with any other language. But due to my upbringing it is very much the case here. And I never knew. It’s not that I took it for granted. It just never occured to me how easy it would be. How fluid and natural it would be for me. How good I am at it. I was absolutely clueless about it.

Makes me wonder what else I’m good at that I have no clue about. I heard someone once say that “The best ballerina in the world doesn’t even know they are the best ballerina in the world.”.

This is because it’s not in their orbit. They have never tried it. They have no intention or interest to try it and yet that talent is innately already in them and they probably won’t ever even know.

This, for me, was obviously a no-brainer. It’s not out of left field that I would be good at this. But to clarify it is still difficult. I’m being asked to learn hundreds of new words in the Spanish language: cells, symptoms, body systems, diagnosis, medical terms, on and on and on. This in and of itself will still not be an easy task.

But it still makes me wonder……

Life is so short. Do we try enough things? Do we explore the world enough? Do we say yes to life enough? Yes to new opportunities? Yes to expanding ourselves beyond where we ever imagined ourselves being, doing, achieving, enjoying?

This really makes me so curious. Life is such an interesting thing.

🤔🤔🤔

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🥰🙏🏽💋

It all comes down to emotions for me.  At least I’m coming to that conclusion.  Money is nice.  Looks are nice.  Someone truly kind and wise, when not compounded with arrogance is a breath of fresh air.  In a world consumed by smart asses and selfishness, I appreciate people who instead of judging try to help their fellow human beings. 

I’ve been told by every man I’ve had a relationship with for the last 30 years that I’m soothing to be with.  That my calm demeanor and loving touch is healing.  And that’s great.  It’s wonderful.  That’s nothing to complain about.  I’m glad I can bring that to people, not just my partners and my children but my clients and friends.  This is who I am and am happy being.

But, I would really like someone to be that for me too.  I have Jan.  In my orbit she brings that to me.  Jan soothes my soul.

Generally, people exhibit some type of neurosis that I can pick up on fairly easily.  I think we all can.  And I specifically learned how to do this well as a defense mechanism from a very young age.  It was a survival skill I needed for my tumultuous childhood.

But picking up on these things while easy to do, causes me anxiety. Because I can literally feel people’s inner distress. But Jan doesn’t cause me any anxiety whatsoever, ever, or so rarely and minutely it barely picks up anything on the Richter scale. And being with her is just so easy. So nice. So relaxing. That I finally understand what people mean now when they have said it to me.

And I would really love that in a partner. Someone who stabilizes me. Someone who is the more emotionally mature person. Someone that is my calm epicenter. Which maybe sounds a bit boring, said out loud. But maybe boring is exactly what I need. Because if you think about it stability is, in and of itself, a bit boring.

And I think I’d really like that. So I say, knowing full well I hate being too bored. But then I can turn around and be my wacky, crazy, spontaneous, wild and free self and have an anchor, a foundation, someone to circle back to that will be my center of gravity. Assuming they can handle me. Lol

Interesting thoughts. It’s a whimsical day. What can I say?

And I’m thinking I want to be of service. I need to be of service. My life doesn’t feel complete without being helpful and making a difference. I would really love to help people with physical, spiritual or sexual issues in life. Either of those would be challenging and rewarding. But what’s more realistic?

I’d love to go to school and get my naturopathic license and open a clinic concentrating on colon health. Have a walk-in enema section, colonics, fecal matter transplants. That would be extraordinarily wonderful. But we are talking 10 years of schooling and internship, considering I need to get my BA before I can even enroll. I could, I suppose, hire a naturopath but now we are talking a lot of money and maybe not the same vision or passion.

Then I’d love to start a business called the Love Shack. Where I’d offer classes to learn masturbation/self love, light BDSM, tantric sex, and have potlucks to build community, maybe even offer (God centric) spiritual practice. Perhaps even Dominatrix services. But again, with no sex. As much as I enjoy pegging men it is still illegal to do so for money. Lol.

Meanwhile, back to reality.

I have tons of studying to do and practice if I’m going to pass this online interpretation class. It is not easy. So that takes priority over silly dreams. Longing for things I may never have, never be, never see……

But there’s something very romantic to me about longing for something. It’s melancholic, yet hopeful and deep. It’s about allowing enchantment to entice you into believing “why not”? Allowing yourself to sit in the gumdrops and rainbow filled splendor of possibilities, and ask yourself “what if”?

Just dreaming my life away………

❤️‍🔥🌎🌈🥰🙏🏽🌄💋

💋👋🏽