I’ve been melancholic since yesterday. I think I’m struggling with how hard my life is; how little support I have. And how it will become more difficult next month when the teenager leaves for college. And there’s nothing to be done but keep moving ahead.
I really need to get my ass back in the gym. I’m going to force myself to go again, starting Monday. I know it will help my mood and my energy level. But I have had zero motivation to do anything that isn’t imperative.
Except exercise IS imperative to my overall well being and I need to schedule it in to my life so it becomes part of my daily routine, my habit. I know what a huge difference that would make. So I need to get on it. “I want to”, she says to herself half heartily. 😒
Nathan will be back tomorrow. I could use some affection. Touch is so soothing and healing. I doubt we will be able to have sex until Sunday at the earliest, because he has to take a pill so we need to preplan it.
He said to me, what I understood to be, that if I commit to him it will give him peace of mind and his dick will respond accordingly and not need the pills always.
This sounds a bit suspect, but why would he set up a false expectation like that? I’m sure he is trying to encentivize me but it only leaves me confused. It’s interesting that he would say that though. Can it be true? It’s intriguing, but it’s not a motivating factor.
The pills work great. And while spontaneous sex is nice and not having to preplan sex would be great, it’s not a make or break. It would just be a nice option. It is a bit unfortunate that it isn’t a possibility, but I can live with it.
Brad is going a bit stir crazy in Virginia. I hope this Nathan ordeal hasn’t added to his distress, although I’m pretty sure it has. We’ve been bickering. Both of us grouchy is never good.
Meanwhile I thought I was finally done with this whole chandelier thing. But no!!! It’s the shit job that just keeps getting shittier. I rented a van, drove through an hour of bumper to bumper traffic to get to the shipper and they tell me “yeah sorry, turns out we can’t insure it”. After everything! I was livid, absolutely livid.
So the saga continues. And the asshole worker says to me “did you try uship?”. I’m glaring at him, too upset to even tell him to fuck off. I’m standing at his shipping company ready to drop off a package which I’ve confirmed and arranged beforehand, and he asks me if I contacted another carrier. God, some people really do deserve to be bitch slapped.
I am calling the manager tomorrow and if they don’t come through on their written promise then I’m taking them to small claims court for restitution. I did not spend my entire afternoon in traffic, and all this money renting a truck for them to dismiss me so casually. “Oh sorry, our mistake.”
Jeezus this year has been so fucking trying. I thought last year was bad. I thought the last 6 years have been hard. This is all getting to be too much for me.
I really need a solid break from everything. I need some peace and comfort and some semblance of stability. Something that makes me feel “it’s all gonna be ok”. And it’s nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
I can usually muster it within myself, but right now that’s a tall ask. I’m really wavering right now. I’m wanting to assess where in life I went wrong exactly. Where did I make my biggest misstep. Where???
Guess it doesn’t matter. I can’t go back in time. I can’t make amends. I can’t give myself a heads up. So really!!
I’m so tempted to just stop trying. Just absolutely stop giving any fucks about anything anymore. Jeezus, I can see why people struggle to get out of bed. I can see why people commit suicide. I can see why drugs are so prevalent. I can see why we have so many vices.
Life is hard!! Too hard sometimes. Just way too fucking hard. 😔😔😔
And I’m not even mentioning all the other things in my life. Like the teenagers specialist appointment that is pivotal and got pushed back another month, or my aunt, or all the other shit in my life…. let alone the world.
Also not to mention that my ex husband is moving in with his girlfriend and her kids next week. They are getting a place big enough to have a room for our girls. And considering how much he wants to stop paying child support I am very worried he is going to try and take custody. Everyone tells me it’s an irrational fear and yet….. I can’t help but have it.
All I can say right now is thank God for pot and my hammock.