I don’t have a lot of time

I misplaced my favorite vibrator last night and just passed out. So I haven’t even started what was supposed to be an entire day of masturbation. The kids will be back around 7:30.

So…..I best get started if I want to get multiple orgasms in and take my time with it and really enjoy my body.

I just took this for you all. Falling in line with me trying to upload more pictures.

Talk later.πŸ’‹πŸ˜ˆβ€οΈβ€πŸ”₯🀀

I’m so thrilled

I’m besides myself. I got the loan modification AND they kept my payment pretty much the same as it was. What a relief. Now I have to get all the rest figured out, but I have time and not this huge, stressful burden over my head.

I can’t even explain how much pressure literally fell off my chest today. I feel I can breath deeper. This particular worry is no longer hanging over my head. It’s wiped off the plate.

Now other worries can come but they aren’t big worries. If anything it’s exciting. I now have two years to get myself financially solvent before my alimony runs out. It isn’t a huge amount but it is money I use to live.

So I have to figure out my financial path to make $60k a year to make my mortgage and get back into my house and then I can rent this basement space out as an Airbnb or rental property for additional income and start saving for retirement.

And…… and I’ll be on my own two feet.

Woot woot!!

2 years goes fast though and I’m sure there will be some hiccups along the way. Nothing I can plan for I’m sure, life just likes to throw some zany curve balls sometimes. I think I’ve had my fair enough share of hardships and I’m not trying to be pessimistic.

I need to figure this out and I will. Someway, somehow I will. The door has been opened. I may finally get the stability I’ve sought for so long. And if I don’t it won’t be for a lack of giving it my all.

God, I can’t even tell you how relieved I am right now.


Vulnerable and Emotionally Available

I was telling Jan today how men in my age group say they want relationships but most don’t seem truly ready to open up emotionally. Maybe they don’t know how. That generation was told to stifle almost all emotions except anger and desire. Violence and lust was encouraged but not much more on an emotional front, especially not vulnerability.

Which is also another driving factor for them dating younger women. As if more reasons were needed. Young women don’t generally have huge expectations as far as emotional intimacy. And older men, having lived more, can steer the relationship where they want it and set up their own limitations without much fuss coming at them. Young women are more apt to make excuses for them and be more accommodating, not having lived enough to know better.

Meanwhile most men take a stance that seems to say “I want my needs met and I will do as little as I have to do to get that accomplished”. With a lot of men more than willing to give financial support as an exchange. It isn’t at all about “what does she need? How can I support her growth and well being? How can I be a better partner to her?”

And I need such a deep level of devotion and emotional connection that it just feels almost impossible to get from a man my age.

All this to say I’m doing another speed dating zoom this weekend with a younger age group. I just barely made the cut. It’s 32-49. Last time there were only 4 of each sex so I’m hoping the younger generation, which is more in tune with online dating has more men.

But all the same. I enjoy analyzing myself after. How I react. What emotions, if any, are stirred.

I look at myself often as if I were a non-judgemental third party and I look at my own behavior with genuine curiosity trying to figure myself out. I don’t take myself all that seriously. Nor do I do it to tear myself down. I do it as a study in human behavior.

I find us to be such fascinating creatures. I really do. And mastery of the self only comes from truly knowing yourself.

To thine own (horny) self be true🀣🀣🀣

I couldn’t have asked for a better day

Jan treated me to some of the best fish and chips I’ve ever had overlooking the beach. Then we went for a walk near Haystack. We walked through town and nestled ourselves near a sand dune, out of the wind, to enjoy a few hours of conversation and sun.

This is the only picture I remembered to take. It’s just not my forte, sorry. The reason we are bundled is that this spot was a huge wind tunnel and although it was 60 degrees it felt much colder. Once we got to our little dune we shed some clothes and laid out watching the kids and dogs playing in the sun and water.

It truly was a great day and some great conversations that I’d be hard pressed to have with anyone not as enlightened as Jan. I sure do treasure her. I’m so glad we connected in life.

Bath time now and I may start my masturbation marathon early. I do have to do some work tomorrow morning. So this will make up for that break. Lol

Hope you’re enjoying your night. πŸ’‹

What does she want?

(I like referring to myself in third person sometimes. I just find it funny really. Like when I tell the kids “we” need to do something and they know I don’t mean we at all, I mean they or one of them. They don’t find it as hysterical as I do though. But I love laughing at my own jokes.)

I’m going to challenge myself to do an open mike comedy night. I think I’ll bomb in epic proportions but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I like doing things that scare me. I’ve already started to write some material.

They have raunchy open mike’s through FetLife and that’s definitely my speed. I’m not sure whether to go check it out first or just show up ready to go. It isn’t going yet so I have time to figure this out. And knowing I can be as politically incorrect and perverted as I want to be feels very liberating; to show up in full Domme attire and just talk about the stupidities of life and especially people’s sex life and kinks. Even if no one laughs just doing it will be a huge accomplishment.

What else?

I want to start jogging again and do a 10k. But this knee injury (or reinjury) has me on hiatus right now from sprint interval training. I may need to pick up swimming or cycling and work carefully around my knee until it heals. Which guessing by the intermittent level of pain may be a few months. So maybe that’s a better goal for next year.

I need to figure out my financial situation. I’m getting an evaluation for my house in case the loan mod doesn’t come through. I’ll need to sell and with the market so hot I may actually walk away with a little pocket change.

I’d rather keep my house but I still don’t know what their decision is. Even if they do give it to me if the new monthly mortgage falls out of what I can actually afford then it doesn’t make sense to stay and keep struggling. The goal is to make it back into my house eventually. So I’m just trying to figure out my options.

Plus we have nowhere to go. Nowhere I really want to go and I hate moving. And having the ability to go anywhere, in theory, is nice but also extraordinarily daunting. When you look at affordability and quality of life: safety, good schools, basic freedoms and open mindedness, easy access to whatever resources and activities you need, it gets complicated quickly. Especially if you start to consider places not in the US. I almost don’t even want to think about it right now. Just get an answer and figure it out then.

And as far as my love life. I have no idea what I want. I used to say I just want love, but that’s naive. It takes a lot more than love and yet I hate to formulate a checklist of must haves because I also know how variable it all is and how many allowances we make when we fall in love. And those are things we don’t know until the person shows up that we are willing to make those allowances for.

Then my spiritual journey keeps telling me I have to be of service more. But I have no idea in what way or how to do so in a manner that doesn’t add more stress and responsibilities to my life. I definitely don’t need that.

There is a way. I just haven’t figured it out yet, but I will. It will come to me.

Well…off we go; a beautiful sunny spring day to embark on.


New friend

Just got back from dinner at my new friends place. It was nice, easy, relaxing, and fun. I forced him to watch a show from the series I’m watching on Amazon called Still Standing. It’s a wholesome show about small towns in Canada narrated by a stand up comedian. Canada is so picturesque.

Then we watched the first episode of Schitt’s Creek. I’m on the second season but haven’t felt compelled to keep watching it. Although I really like Daniel Levy. The four main characters are pretty funny in a very shallow and narcissistic way. But the Levy men are so very likable.

You know….. I haven’t tried to be friends with a man in over 20 years. She’s never been to a trans show so I’m super excited to take her. Sorry. I keep flip flopping pronouns. I wish we had a pronoun in the English language that was neutral. They/them makes a person sound like they have split personalities.

She asked me why I enjoy feminizing men and I didn’t have a good response to it, other than it’s fun. I’ve enjoyed pegging since my early 20’s. I love jewelry on men. I can’t say exactly why I enjoy feminization but I do. I just do. I suppose some analyzation could be helpful in figuring out my own drives.

I’m so tired and a bit gassy. I ate a lot of rich foods. They fed me lobster and homemade cheesy biscuits and homemade sweet potato pie, all with lots of butter. I don’t generally eat like that. I barely even use oil if I can help it. Lol. But it was super yummy. I’ve never been much of a biscuit person but I let myself have two. They were delectable. I should have taken a picture.

See. It occurs to me now. How many hours later to take a photo. Lol. My eyes are practically closing by themselves. I was going to masturbate but I think I’ll wait until the marathon masturbation day I’m giving myself Tuesday. Something to look forward to.

Goodnight crazy world.


Tit for Tat

I sometimes use psychological tactics to get myself to do things I don’t want to do.

I have a lot of work to do today. I’m behind still. And I don’t really want to do it. However I made plans for my days off so unless I want to feel guilty the whole time I’m trying to have fun I need to get this work done.

I can lie to myself and go have fun. But I’ll know I didn’t get my work done and it will nag at me.

It’s the worst aspect of working from home. You’re home but you can’t really engage….you are after all working. And it’s hard to get distracted over and over and keep momentum going. Oh well.

Work hard, play harder.

I better get going. No excuses. It’s gotta get done. Enjoy your day my darlings❣️


I haven’t pursued a man

I haven’t pursued a man in over 25 years. Now granted, I was married for almost 15 of those years. But still……

Generally I let the man pursue and entice me. It’s not that I mind going after a man, I just haven’t been inspired to do so hardly ever.

Dating in Portland is difficult as men here are very passive. But even a couple of local men I considered possibly going out with I never felt inspired to do anything about it. And since they didn’t pursue me nothing ever happened. And I’m absolutely fine with that.

This is not to say every man that pursues me gets a shot. That’s definitely not true. It’s a strange mix of intrigue, transparency, and how much desire I can sense.

I’m guessing the day and age of meet-cutes is pretty much over. Almost all dating, especially now, seems to start online. And that’s fine.

Eventually I’ll get around to putting myself back out there. As horny and lonely as I’ve been feeling I just don’t feel that time is now.

Plus I like to be very clear with men as far as where my life is and what I want. And with my life in limbo I can scarcely do that.

I’m just so curious: how it’s going to happen, who it’s going to be.

My biggest aspiration is to have the love I’ve sought for so long; a love that superpasses all me deepest longings and fulfills me in ways I never anticipated. I can’t wait to not only be in receipt of that love but to find a man worth pouring the mass amount of love I have to give into him, into our relationship, into building a future together.

Deep sigh.

Obsessing still.

Aren’t I?


Oh well.

I need to spin my own story around

I wonder about my love life. I wonder if it’s possible for me to have a truly healthy relationship and also a thriving spiritual life? They both require different skill sets.

And it isn’t that a person can’t have both it’s that I’ve never, myself, been successful at it. The first I’m not sure I’ve ever had. The latter I have only been able to achieve outside of being in a relationship.

I obsess so much about it, about making love again, about little inside jokes, about all the things that make a relationship so enjoyable. But I need to stop. I really need to enjoy exactly where I am right now.

Eventually a partner will come around. I can’t see it not happening. But right now the time is to focus on myself, focus on my needs and growing as a person.

Because when a person does enter our orbit, in a love capacity, they tend to make waves and change things around a lot. Not that this change isn’t welcome. After all, the whole point is to add joy and more depth and meaning to ones life. And it’s amazing to have someone to love who loves one back and supports one in the ways one needs.

And I want to be completely open and ready for it when it does happen. But until then it isn’t the worst thing in the world to be alone.

I want to be satiated with my life as it is. I want to be satisfied with who I am as a person, know my value and know I am worthy of what I seek.

So I have to turn this story around. It isn’t about lack of anything. My life is fulfilling in so many ways. And in a matter of time someone will come around to share their life with me and mine with them. And that time while not now, isn’t something I need to worry about at all.

It can just be a beautiful thought and hope of what’s to come one day and knock my socks right off…..in the most delightful way.


House exchange / the sound of silence / thankful for these women in my life

There are websites where you can exchange houses with people from all over the world for weeks to months at a time. Except realistically I can’t right now, so I’m not sure why I’m even thinking about it. Maybe for the summer though, if everything is still closed down. But this all still hinges on how the loan mod goes.

But I’d love to see people’s faces again and not worry about markings on the floor that mark the distance between people, or arrows that tell you which way to go or lines outside to control crowds.

And I get that many people are all in on these measures, but I’m just so over it all. In very remote and conservative areas of California they aren’t enforcing a lot of the regulations and the police forces, being just as conservative, don’t care.

I’ve found myself aligned with conservative values sometimes in life. It’s why I never really cared that my mother was a staunch Republican. Because I also believe in some of the precepts.

I was accused of being a white conservative Nazi freak because I was advocating for having a choice regarding vaccines on Reddit. And it made me laugh so hard. I basically told them to stop being so narrow-minded. I told them that not only am I a registered Democrat that voted for Biden, but that I’m a dark skinned, minority woman. And they shockingly had nothing to say to that. I guess it didn’t fit their enemy narrative.


This whole “stop the inner dialogue” is so hard.

I am trying. But I am also being easy with myself about it and taking my time, not stressing myself out and just doing what I can.

I realized that the music I always listen to has words and those words put thoughts in my head. So I stared listening to instrumental music and then realized it was still creating a mood and feelings.

So I’ve been listening to silence. There is actually a lot to pick up in the world from listening to the ambient noises around you: birds singing, wind rustling, cars traveling, people talking.

I miss the sound of children laughing. That is my favorite sound in the world. The sound of a child’s innocent laughter. It’s just the best sound ever. Better than the sound of waves crashing. Maybe on par to someone who you adore telling you they love you. It just lifts my spirits and makes me smile deeply, inside.

However I find that the silence helps calms my nerves. I can keep my mind less agitated in silence. It doesn’t go up and down so much. It stays pretty even keeled. Some might think it boring, but I find it quite soothing. It still doesn’t make stopping the inner dialogue easy though.


Yesterday I caved and went on social media. I missed the news. I missed the banter of Reddit. I missed the mirth of Buzzfeed. But there is so much propaganda and subversion also, plus a lot of acrimony. And the more I get away from it the more it bothers me.

I suppose like all things there is mostly irrelevant or neutral information in the world, then there’s truly bad information and very uplifting stories. Does it all equal out? I don’t know. I’m not keeping score. But knowing these stories doesn’t improve my life. Nor does not knowing improve my life. It’s just a way to disengage from the “need” to know and let things be whatever they are.


Of all people in my life I am enjoying Jan’s company the most. She is such a gentle spirit and she’s led a fascinating life. She followed Ama. She lived and worked at the Transcendental Meditation headquarters. Travelled with the Daime to South America. She lived in a commune for over a decade. She is so spiritually grounded and has done all these things I’ve thought of doing and will probably never get to.

But I ask her tons of questions and get as close to vicariously living those experiences as I can. She’s so wise and yet so easy going and calm that I forget that she has so much more spiritual acumen than I do. And she doesn’t push or try to make me see things any which way.

I enjoy her company so much on a friendship level that I forget she has so much she could teach me. But also maybe because all the lessons I’ve learned have been mostly self taught, or things that I picked up and learned because they resonated with my heart….. that maybe I don’t know how to be a good student.

All the same…. she asks nothing of me and gives me the space to be completely myself. And that is such a breath of fresh air in a world always trying to get something from you or mold you into something it wants.

I am so grateful to have her in my life.


This morning I was thinking of my therapist Sylvia. And Celine Dion’s song “because you loved me” popped in my head. I don’t claim to know or think that she loves me. But I do know that her support and encouragement has helped me grow as a person. I know that I am grateful to her more than I could ever demonstrate or explain. I know that without her I’m not sure I could have gotten through all I have over the last 6 years. She has been a stable foundation for me, more than anyone else I can even think of, in my entire life.

I’m dropping off her gift basket today. She won’t be there as she works remote, but she’ll get it eventually. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make her understand her placeholder in my life and how much she means to me. I am just so thankful for her.

And don’t ask me why when I feel such a deep level of gratitude it always makes me want to cry.