Sub Space Strength

Subs: each person is different in their sub space

I’ve had one top continually from bottom wanting me to command him in the ways he desired

One would not make a single move or even speak without my decision and input

One disliked me commanding him but loved pampering me in the ways he thought most fitting but not knowing me well enough missed the mark repeatedly


I woke up just now in a bit of a fitful sleep. I had been dreaming of a sub. He was a very strong sub. So very powerful in his sub space. He had complete control of himself. Even as I wavered in my Domme space he held me strong. Like the firm hand of a gentleman. He brought out of me not what he wanted, NO…… he gave me the force to be who I wanted. I can’t explain it too clearly…. it is nuanced.

I am learning still….but as I have stated before; as has been reinforced to me time and time again. When given the opening ….when the field is cleared for me… I blossom. I rise.

I can not be pushed. I can not be pulled. I can not be molded. I am already here. My torrential love, frenzied lust, all-encompassing need to devour, to own is already within; watching, waiting, deep inside. It just needs ample space, time, devotion and now I see….the missing piece I hadn’t yet seen before….strength.

Not my strength. My strength is here, sometimes dormant, but here. I have needed to see sub strength. I understand now something I didn’t before. A clue. All part of the grand puzzle. I am dizzily mesmerized by my new realization.

Maybe as I grow stronger in my own space none of these things will matter. I can’t say. I see older Domme’s who can switch it on instantly for anyone and I am amazed. I can own the space but I am not at a point where I want to share myself this way with just anyone. I want to be completely who I am with just one very special man. One who will see and be privy to the entire depth of my being. We shall see.

💋goodnight again (4:43am)

Attention Seeker

I was accused of being an attention seeker today by someone that completely and totally misunderstands me. I would have found it funny really had I not been shocked by it.

I guess only fellow writers and introverts would understand that this is simply not the case. I enjoy and need solitude and yes sometimes…..once every few months or so I like getting dolled up and going to the sex club to see and be seen. Plus I have this blog.

Hardly seems attention getting. In reality I’m a very quiet and demure person that sometimes blares the music in her car way too loud when there aren’t kids in it.

This same man went on to say that I’m too crazy. That I have too much baggage. That what I want does not exist. All things I don’t expect anyone to say to me, because why is it necessary to be so cruel? This all came about because I would not tell him how many people I have slept with.

I’m sorry but I am not in high school. That information is not relevant and if he needs to know; if it will make or break his opinion of me then that’s a game I don’t want to play to begin with because…. well… what is the magic number? It’s a game meant to be lost and it’s a game of judgement I don’t care to participate in.

Am I too crazy? Am I too sexual? Do I have too much baggage? Maybe. Ask me if I care though? This is me. I only have to be “perfect” for one man. One man that will see past my many imperfections to the depth of my soul and the love that is there.

One man that doesn’t need magic numbers and perfect backstories. One man that can look me in the eyes and always tell me the truth and always be vulnerable and full of love for me. That’s all I need. I refuse to believe it doesn’t exist. They will bury me in the ground before I give up on that dream.

I’ve waited my whole life. I’m not giving up. Whatever it takes. However long I have to wait. Yep. It’s ok. I’m fine with it.

Tide Sweeping In

Sometimes when the tide sweeps in

I’m not sure how it will be

Will it caress me softly?

Will it float me on its gentle waves

Rocking me into a lovingly calm sense of peace or

Will it engulf me….

spinning me around dizzily….

Tossing me like a rag doll


I was really looking forward to going to the cross dresser and trans event at the sex club and they cancelled it.

With that and a whole bunch of other crap; I’m feeling a bit defeated right now. I went to my custom tailor to pick up the outfit I was going to wear to my original party,….the one that didn’t happen, remember?

It is a matching see through tube top and mini skirt. It is not my best and sexiest outfit. In fact it actually completely exposes my worst body parts. But…..I was scared and excited to show myself in my entirety*. All the flaws too. All of it.

I was talking to my psychologist about my enjoyment seeing men feminized and even dressed femininely and she gave me the reassurance I was seeking. That it’s ok. I mean yes. I know it is ok in my heart. I champion my own causes, but it’s nice to have reinforcements. Lol

I heard this song for the first time ever on the radio this morning and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. I don’t even know why really. Just feels like the mood of the moment for me.

Ray LaMontagne – Such a Simple Thing

*yes I had originally said I was going to go in my Domme attire. I had a latex mini dress all picked out but the closer it got to the day the more I just wanted to be myself. Not the make-up and shoes so much. This girl does like to represent; sometimes. Lol.

Just that….that’s the point of the event; right? Being yourself. If I can admire then I can also participate. But it has been an odd uphill battle. Couldn’t get ahold of my tailor anyway. Sooo. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I just need to let this go for now. Ho hum.

I had just said I was going to stop dating and concentrate on events and then this gets cancelled. Maybe I should just take a break from all of it for now. Not like I don’t have better things to do anyway, I suppose.


It’s taken me a long time

But I’ve learned to take you on my ride

Instead of me being taken on yours

So now when you come I relish you


When you come I take it as my opportunity to spend quality time with myself

I am fortunate to have medicinal THC available to help me with this endeavor

As without it I would probably tailspin and let my anxiety rule us both

With it I now see you as an oasis

When all else is dormant.

A time to come back to myself without the chaos of life coming at me full steam

A time to recollect myself

To play even

To dream

To delve into thoughts I’d never think without the quiet and solitude surrounding me

So while you may be a nuisance and torment to some

To me you are now just a part of who I am

Of my natural cycle of living

For whatever it’s worth I have accepted you as part of my life and just made the best of it

And sometimes….like now…you are the best part of my day. Lol

Let’s not make that a thing though. Please!


“You are the Best Part or Me” – Neil Diamond

Yea Baby

Went into my Red Room and found this. I bought these because they looked good and had good reviews but the quality of the metal is cheap…as you can see from them bending out of place.

My point though is that this proves they were definitely used. Wish I had caught when exactly. Oh well. Just one more guest is booked then I can have all my toys back and replace these. I do have more sets of cuffs and such but these were suppose to be my heavy duty ones, not just pretend play fluff gadgetry. Guess one of my guests thought the same thing and we were both disappointed.


I get it.

Societies stigma against men playing together and not being seen as “gay”* is intense.

To hear from other men…several even… that they simply don’t trust men makes me shake my head.

I also get that.

Trust me that as a woman I really do get it. I suppose because I didn’t have much of a choice, being so heavily boy crazy, I put up with their behavior and didn’t give it too much thought. Always trying to steer as clear of idiots as I possibly can…not always entirely possible though unfortunately.

But to hear other men call their own gender: disgusting, pigs, violent, assholes; and actually really, deeply mean it shocks me and I’m not easily shocked.

Again, I get it though.

So when I tried to plan a small party, with a few men that have ALL expressed that they have played a bit or wanted to play with men and put myself in the mix I anticipated a good outcome. Initially I got yeses. Slowly that list started to dwindle because either they wanted me only to themselves or were scared to be in that dynamic. Scared of something they enjoy or want to enjoy. Scared of something I promised to orchestrate to everyone’s liking with me in charge.

Even when I took it down to a threesome it evaporated. Why? All of these men would gladly play with me and they have all expressed interest/experience in playing with other men. Baffles me. Just baffles me.

I guess I’m not the Domme I thought I was. Darn though. My little red room will be decommissioned this coming weekend.

Silly, silly boys.

Oh well! It’s worth considering that maybe I’m the idiot in this equation. Lol. I just wanted to have fun. Fun…people! Anyone remember what that is anymore? Jeesh!


(for any haters out there)

*gay is NOT a four letter word. Sorry. No one can convince me of it. Nope. Never. Just not happening….so move on to some other “issue”. I’m entitled to my fucking opinion….. as you are yours. See how gracious I am? 😝


It’s Possible……

I’ve been asked repeatedly

“What do you want your relationship to look like?

What’s your ideal sex life?

What do you want in a partner?”

These are all good and valid questions. The problem I have with them is that being in a relationship and loving someone requires a second person. It’s not a solo event. And this other person is not only crucial; they help chart the course. It’s like asking me to navigate the sea without a map, GPS or the sun and stars in the sky.

Sure I have ideas and expectations, but once the second party shows up for the grand event all that can fall out the fucking window and I’m rather okay with that. The dynamic, how I feel and the relationship itself will far supersede most of my fantasies in ways I can’t even imagine now; I’m sure. That is my real presumption. That is my true ideal.

But yes, I suppose for my own edification I can provide an outline; but it seems comical to me to do so… as the person who’s deeply involved in this as well isn’t here. But ok. Here goes:

The bones of it are….

A man that adores me and shows me in a million little ways: through romantic gestures, thoughtfulness & loving touch. A man that knows me so well he can anticipate my own needs before I even can and shows me his love with every nuance of his being. A man that not only allows me to be myself entirely but gives me the space and support I need to be more, to reach further.

He would be a good communicator and emotionally open to me. He would always mean what he says and say what he means; even if I didn’t like it 100% of the time. He would plan nice things to do or take me to; new adventures. At the core it would lead into a family life together as I still have little munchkins to finish molding into adults.

Yet outside of that we would have this fantastic and wildly kinky sexual life where I could be allowed to play in the ways I like to play. Which would include at least:

Pegging, multiple orgasms, edging, BDSM, having their body be completely open and accessible to me at all times, tons of fun and loads of play with an ample amount of frivolity and of course while I want to lead the relationship and the sex; I also want to be topped. Because that sometimes feels very yummy, but I probably run a lot more vanilla than submissive.*

I obviously would want him to have his own financial stability. Be a man that knows how to take care of himself and has his life pretty set with really only needing me to make it spectacular.

I would ideally like a say in all aspects of his world and be completely let in to everything he does, everything he thinks, his deepest desires, his fears, his longings, his happiness, his dreams. I would like say in his wardrobe, his decisions. I want communication to know where he is, what he is doing and I also do so very much enjoy giving tasks. (This does NOT necessitate constant communication. Ask my ex husband. I never called him at work. Reality isn’t oblivious to me. Lol)

Chastity is something I would also like to hold. I would like to be in complete control of his release. When it happens. How it happens and negate him at my wish. The though tantalized me tremendously. My mouth is watering now even just writing about it.

I may be ever so tiny bit of a control freak. Lol. I can admit it…I’m ok with it, but at my core I am a charitable and loving person. The happiness of those I love is tantamount to my own happiness and without that there is nothing. So there is balance there…. I think.

That’s it really. I’m not sure how much of an outline this really is or how close it will be to reality. When the second half finally arrives to take his place. That’s all yet to be decided…. really…. isn’t it? I can leave a space open for that….. because if I’ve learned anything in life it’s that absolutely everything is subject to change…and I’m alright with that.

As long as at the base is deep respect, love like no other, trust, passion, deep understanding and awesome sex……. then really. I mean….what else can a girl ask for? A guy that truly loves her and has her needs and happiness at the forefront, before even his own. Well….any girl would be lucky to have that…and I’m happy to wait for it. 😉


*I’ve been told I’m a terrible submissive; excruciatingly slow, bratty, defiant, horrendously stubborn and can’t follow protocols to save my life. lol. I don’t have a problem with any of that, because honestly I don’t care. It’s for my pleasure, soooo…. whatever. I’m not trying to be good at it.