There is such a range

There is such a large range of human experiences

I was just thinking of one

The feeling people have between being insignificant and/or in enough pain to kill themselves vs the people are having a moment of superhuman power, like very literally sometimes.

Just that one thing is such a giant spectrum.

It’s a wonder we can get along.

But at the same time that’s what makes this life so intense and exciting; the unknown, the yet to see and understand, something spellbinding.

There is so much pain and suffering we could abolish if we thought of our humankind as a single entity on this earth, and treated each other with respect and shared.

But we are such a range from almost pure evil to almost angelic. How does that not create a battle of sorts?



Orange County is this predominantly Republican area in California. It has some very uppity zip codes with some very prom and prim middle to mostly upper middle class, with an abundance of high 6 figures and higher incomes spread about, but also some other areas, like Santa Ana. But. Anyway

There in this church going, white, republican area lies the highest concentration of people in the swinger lifestyle than in the entire country. Yep. You heard me right.

And West Linn reminds me a lot of Orange County in a lot of ways. The over the track feeling ones (like me) and the hyper-rich and all in between all coming together rather successfully, I think.

So maybe there are some swinger circles here. Lol. I bet that couple I met that live here and I never met up with from FetLife would know. Hmmmmm

Don’t know. I’d mostly just be a voyeur and I don’t think anyone wants that really, do they? Mwahahahahahaha

Plus then I’d have to get back on Fet and get new pictures because I don’t like to deceive (too much). Lol

Sounds like a lot of work. 😝😝😝

3 months and 11 days

Don’t ask me how statisticians came up with this precise range for how long it takes the average person to get over a relationship. I think there are far too many variables to ascertain this but there you have it.

Now that puts us at January 24th. Which right now feels so far away. And let say it’s magically true, that by or around that time I feel like dating again, then what?

I’m guessing we will still have the pandemic around. I’m guessing I’m not going to rapidly lose these 40 pounds of not feeling sexy or fitting into my sexpot clothes by then.

I was thinking what would really boost my self esteem is find a true submissive to wield my dominance on. But, unfortunately, that has to be brought out by true desire. It’s a craving. It’s a show of my need to mark and claim as my own.

And it’s not something I can fake. I mean I can but there isn’t much enjoyment in it that way. Even with Brad the last year or so, when he got it in his head he wanted to switch, I couldn’t because 1) I was too used to being submissive to his whims and tantrums 2) I didn’t feel the lust needed for it.

And that’s something I have to feel innately. It has to come organically. And very few men bring it out of me. And without events happening right now there is no way I can figure out if I lust for someone via text or chat, maybe video but probably not.

I come off very mousy in that format. It isn’t my strong suit.

Part of me just wants to find a lover and not worry about what the future holds or finding true love and another part of me says wait it out.

Knowing myself and my libido I don’t think waiting it out is all that viable. I can try but it’s just going to make me miserable. I need sex. It performs many, many functions besides just an orgasm, sexual release and endorphins. It satiates something deep inside, a need to connect, to be tactile on an intimate level, and so much more.

I guess…..

I’ll just keep working on myself. Try to firm up the flab a bit and then on January 24th, assuming we aren’t still on lockdown, I can revisit my stance and get back on Tinder or some other app, and just find myself someone to fuck.

I mean it’s just good to have goals in general. Right? 😝

What is missing?

I succumbed to my own depravity last night. Ok. No. That probably makes it sound worse than it is.

What happened is that the teenager blindsided me with staying home last night instead of going to her father’s. Which immediately sent me into a tailspin. Even after I explained how much I look forward to my time off (to masturbate, take a heavy dose of THC, blare my music, take a 2 hour bath and with no need to regulate my sleep or take care of anyone but me).

She didn’t quite care.

Now this also caused anxiety because that meant he only had the two smaller kids with him. Which I’m just going to have to learn to live with eventually because she is going off to college soon and she is 18. Legally she doesn’t have to go with him any longer anyways.

And of course even though she has her own room she was listening to her music and relaxing on my bed (aka the futon in the living room). It just sent me into a huge anxiety attack and I had to leave the house with nowhere to really go and I succumbed to one of my vices.

When I was doing so good. I was really proud of myself for how great things were going. And one small thing completely derailed me. She is gone tonight, but it still put a hitch in everything I had planned. I have cleaning, errands, laundry, business calls, work, packaging and more precisely planned around my self care routine. And it got all discombobulated and I simply crumbled.

When you have a lot on your shoulders and your burdens are many sometimes it only takes a tiny jolt to set off an avalanche.


I was thinking today what do people need in the world. If you take aside money, and every issue money alone can solve, then what else is there?

What would be the common denominator? I bet it would be support, community, a sense of belonging, of being understood and of people genuinely caring.

But that’s just my guess. I would like to know though. I truly would because I can’t help people with money, but I can help in other ways.

I was thinking today, praying, asking God for real stability and health for myself and my kidlets. I was trying to barter. I said if you give me this I can be so much more helpful in the world. I can have the foundation to be of more use to humanity.

But…..there has got to be more. I’m missing something myself. Stability and health I have for today. Since there are no guarantees for tomorrow what is there to worry about really?

I think this world is missing something key to the happiness of its inhabitants. Let’s assume money is no longer a factor. Pretend everyone has their basic needs met: food, water, shelter. Then what?

There is so much more to this life than survival.

But if I’m going to help others I really need to help myself. What example am I? I would like to get to a place where my life is truly settled. Where I am truly at peace with myself. Where I like who I am, I make good choices, and I am accountable to myself.

I can not teach or exemplify what I have not mastered, now can I?

Ho hum. At least I get to masturbate tonight.


this song

(Love Song – Elton John)

Nauseous / Freedom Rising

I’m on 16 drops of H2O2 now. Which may not seem like a lot. After all I started with 3 drops. So it’s been 14 days of this. You’d think I would have built up a tolerance to it. It’s not like it has a very distinct taste. But about the day of drop 12 I started to feel nauseous after drinking the distilled water filled with my allotted drops.

My mouth keeps watering preemptively as if I’m about to throw up. I feel woozy. It only lasts about an hour. But multiple times a day of this is not fun.

This is the first time I’ve made it this far in this cleanse. I don’t know if I can keep on. Maybe I should change the liquid to something more palatable. I’ll have to look at the directions again. Would juice work? I think it would help if so.

I woke up this morning with a frontal lobe headache, which I’ve gotten a lot since the pandemic. And I know adding oxygen to my system helps with that tremendously: whether it’s orally, through my lungs, or even rectally.

Oh good. The nausea is finally settling some.


I got an email today from the Freedom Rising women.

This is exactly what I needed to hear.

I’ve been having an inner battle with myself. Missing Brad but knowing that I deserve more. Wanting the comfort of the familiar, especially because he was my friend. Yet sanding firm in my decision, even though it pains me at times.

I went to see a new client yesterday and I was literally 2 miles from his house. It was my ego and pride that kept me from thinking about stopping by. I am worth more to myself. My own sense of self worth trumped my missing him.

I go back to my original thought of just needing one person in this big giant world to love me: honestly, tenderly, generously, devoted. A person of integrity and high ideals; with love for this world and all our fellow beings on it. Someone who will be a true partner and a genuine friend. Who may not always agree with me but will love me fiercely all the same. Someone who I can give myself to entirely and love madly.

One person. That’s it. I harbor the hope that this will come true for me. But regardless I have to empower myself to be the best and happiest me possible and use my finite time, energy and heart wisely on whatever laps I have left of this kooky adventure. Right? πŸ˜‰

God bless us all❣️



I was 16. He was the brother of a friend. We lived together for a few months in a semi-abandoned house their parents owned in the Hollywood Hills. (When my dad threw me out in a fit.)

This boy was ethereal. He was the most beautiful young man I had ever seen in person and he glowed with this inner beauty that was undeniable. He was loved by everyone. I would always blush and turn away when he even glanced my way.

He was tormented by the attention I think. I say this in retrospect of course. At the time all I knew was that he had dropped out of school, was doing hard drugs and let his girlfriend treat him like shit. Now I see that he probably enjoyed it. That somehow he maybe felt ashamed, confused or unworthy of it.

I haven’t thought of him in over 20 years, at least. Funny what time on your hands makes you think of.


And then there was Marius.

We were both 18. He was the most kind, calm, sweet natured boy ever. He had an artists look of suffering even when he was laughing. I absolutely adored him.

I was remembering one time when I was trying to really rile him up. We were making out on my bed, both fully clothed and he came. He was beyond mortified. I laughed so hard until he finally laughed too.

He moved and we corresponded by letter often until one day the news clipping came with a letter from his mom. He had been crushed in an accident with a log hauler.

I often think if he were still alive and the same man he was then, sweet, kind, so loving that he would be someone I would really want to love.

But I never got to see the man he would become.

I think that really he was just too pure for this world. He was too fragile and open. He would have broken. I’m pretty sure.

I think of him now and again. Especially since we moved here. He was in Seattle then and it would be an easy drive to make, where he still there.

Maybe I should write his mother. Let her know how much I miss him too, still….after all this time. I can’t imagine losing a child.

God bless us all❣️


A new dream

I like to be flexible in life. If something fizzles I move on. My pining away days are done. It’s absolutely useless to try to recapture the past.

For the last few years I have clung so hard to the thought of settling down here; of having stability with my home, my business, my children. And I’m coming to terms with the stark possibility that it simply wasn’t meant to be.

That means that within 9 months or so I need to come up with a viable exit plan. And I’m going to give myself carte blanche to move anywhere in the world I can subsist without having to work 40+ hours at multiple endeavors; somewhere tranquil, close to nature, safe, English speaking. I’m going to open myself up to the possibilities.

I won’t know for a few months if my chances here are completely dead and buried. So I won’t start to dream just yet. But I’m not going to see this as a bad thing. I suppose in a way I’m choosing mind over matter, but it’s more a locus of control over the little I can control; my thoughts and emotions. No use making myself miserable over this. I really did try my absolute best here.

Could I have done a few things different, better maybe? Absolutely. Will I in a few years have perfect hindsight and understand my failures more clearly? I’m sure. Will I bemoan myself about it? No; at least not now.

I’m not in the mood to be anything but nice to myself right now. I’ve got enough on my plate. The world is going crazy and I’m just trying to hang on and enjoy whatever I still can on this ride.

Tally-ho bitches❣️😝


TMI – I love the way my vagina smells

I know. No one asked. No one even mentioned it.

But I like the way it smells. About 5 years ago I could not say the same thing. About my mid 30’s my smell changed. It got to the point it was almost unbearable to me. Whenever I caught a whiff of it I felt horrible about myself.

Then I stopped drinking wine and alcohol. I stopped eating dairy and gluten. And it changed the flora of my vagina completely. Whereas before I would get tons of yeast infections, like sometimes back to back even. Now I get them very rarely; not even once a year.

Why am I sharing? No one cares. No one wants to hear about my vagina’s smell. But it’s something I like. I genuinely like the way it smells.

And not in the way people like or don’t mind their own farts because it’s their own. No. I mean it genuinely smells good, fresh, clean, but in a vagina way. Lol

It makes me laugh when I think of it. And it makes me smile when I smell myself. Which is a great thing.

Of course I love musty, dank, funky human smells in general, but even I know when something is a bit off-putting or excessive.

And my vagina is not. I’m not saying I’m proud. Because that seems a strange thing. But I’m glad I can enjoy my own scent; especially after spending years hating it and feeling horrible about it.

So yea…..pussy smells.

Very good indeed. Now does this make me more apt to want to lick one myself? Mmmmmmmmm. Unsure. I don’t rule anything out but I think I’d have to really, really be into the woman it’s attached to for me to even consider giving that a go.

Hasn’t happened yet and it may never happen at all. Hmmmmm. Maybe that’s something I should add to my sexual bucket list. Why not? Worth a shot I spose to see what it’s all about.

Right? πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”

I’m so full….of memes



Corporate greed strikes again, to no ones surprise and in no ones interest but theirs. Corporatism at its finest. Why do we keep pretending we are a capitalist society? Clearly the U.S. isn’t.








Not sure how true this is. I thought they were antibodies, but I find it plausible given the hypocrisy of people.

Not that everyone feels this way about their job, but……he ain’t wrong either.


You could always take this job.

For less than $3 an hour. Damn if that isn’t sad for everyone involved here.

SMH 😐😐😐

I want to feel / censorship

I want to feel like this Tom Petty Wallflowers song makes me feel.

I would like to feel this way for someone I can love with all my being. Someone who’s company I truly enjoy, who makes me a better person, with mutual: encouragement, respect, adoration, tenderness, honesty and transparency.


I’m getting angry with Reddit. I’ve gotten censored 4 times now for saying things incongruent with the OP’s (original poster) view.

I don’t necessarily mind all the idiots that feel they have to chime in with agreement to the herd mentality, but censoring me is bad form. Shows who the real “snowflakes” are.

I’m really starting to believe ALL media, even Reddit, has an agenda they are pushing, a narrative, a specific way they are trying to push entire segments of society to a predetermined point; mass brainwashing.

And they cover it up by not allowing logical dissident views because that ruins the brand.

In this I am in agreement with conservatives. Speech should not be censored at all, ever, unless it incites harm and violence maybe, and even then it should probably be case by case or not censored at all really.

I mean how else are we to know people’s true feelings and intentions? Isn’t it better to know these things than pretend everyone is kind and society has no issues at all.

Since when was censorship the main default for fixing things? If anything I think it makes things worse. We need to learn to listen to each other. We need to learn to get along and coexist. Kindergarten basics, no?