Category: Uncategorized

In relationships I get extremely bored if I know where the edges are.  I need a very wide expanse.  I need to know there are still boundaries to explore, new territories to investigate.  

With both Brad and Kurt I know what to expect.  Neither is going to commit to me, neither is going to cede power or create a path for me to be happy.  They want things the way they want things and it’s up to me whether I want to stay within those confines.  Not that they can’t both be pushed, they could somewhat, but that’s just not what I want.  I don’t want to have to force a man to give me what I need in life. I want it given to me freely with love and adoration.

When it boils down to it, I know their desires, expectations, and where they are willing to meet me and it’s just not enough.  To which I don’t hold anger or resentment towards them. I can’t say the exact reasons they aren’t capable or desirous of more.  And frankly the reasons don’t matter at all.  It is what it is. 

I can’t deny there is a lot of emotion for me with these men.  Since my divorce 5 years ago they are the only two men I’ve had any feelings for besides curiosity.  So that makes physical intimacy rich and exciting with them. But….knowing it’s empty of any future possibilities makes it sad to me.

And it’s not that I need a ring and a 401k and dental plan from them. Lol. I just want the possibility of a future together. And the chances of that with either of them them is so slim to none that it doesn’t seem worth engaging with either of them any further. Which I know is a bit of shooting myself in the foot on my part.

Like…..I have these men who want to engage sexually and emotionally. They want to spend time with me. And we have this built in past, we have these wonderful shared experiences and a level of comfort already established…..so why not engage? Why not have sex? Why not spend time together? Why not let it be whatever it is? Why not at least let it fulfil my intimacy, touch, and companionship needs?

Because as hard as it is to say no….as much as I know that I’m blocking myself from potential pleasures I know ultimately engaging with them is futile. And maybe too because they’ve already broken my heart… so I don’t want to give it again. I don’t want to chance being hurt again by someone that I know isn’t going to be my ride or die person. I don’t want to invest any more of myself into something I know won’t last.

And regardless of any one else’s opinion and standing on the subject, this is my stance on it. And I’m perfectly happy with it. I’d rather do nothing than go down the road with someone I’ve already tried the course with. Sure it could and probably would be fun. But I know where the thorns are and I know they are unavoidable and I’d rather not bleed again.

Can I just let it be physical? No, I can’t. I used to be able to. I used to be able to compartmentalize these things better. But I don’t want to anymore.

Brad seemed frustrated and almost angered that I didn’t want to establish a sexual relationship with Kurt. I found it funny. I know what these men want from me. I know what they want for me. Their efforts don’t come from a nefarious place, simply from selfishness, from stubbornness really. It comes from them thinking they have it all figured out and their way is the only way. So….good for them I guess.

But, more importantly, I know what I want for myself and I know what I want from myself. And as lonely as I am, as bored as things are I feel perfectly happy with the decision to let them be. I wish them no harm. I don’t hold any grudges. I hope they find what they are looking for. I’ve just grown up enough and gotten sure of myself enough to know I don’t fit into their pretty little cages. I don’t want to. It’s not me. And that’s perfectly alright. Don’t you think?

——-

So mom left me a tiny bit of money in a few accounts. I am taking the $7k she left in the Voya account and moving it all into cryptocurrency. I already have a Coinbase account so once I liquefy it I’m going to pop it into over a dozen crypto exchanges. Leave it in there long term, see what comes of it in 20 or so odd years when I’m officially done working. It’s high risk, but potentially also high yield and I really think that’s where we are headed; a global exchange of digital currency.

The money doesn’t really feel like mine anyway. I didn’t earn it. I wasn’t even aware she had set this aside for me. It isn’t much anyway so why not? And as much success as I had with mutual fund allocations for my ex-husbands accounts it isn’t as exciting as cryptocurrency. And it’s all mine. So I get to make these decisions entirely now. And we all know how much I like being in control. Lol

It’s such a beautiful day. We have art slated for later. I’m gonna hit the gym for sure. And then maybe clean up the house. Somehow I wake up each morning hoping it will be clean. And then I set about cleaning up because nope, it never is. Well…..I have three girls to help so I’ll take advantage of that. And at least tomorrow I can wake up to a clean house…..maybe. Lol

❤️‍🔥🙏🏽🌎🥰🌈🐝💋

There is something very personal to me about someone’s health issues; whether that be mental or physical.  And there is a lot of vulnerability there.

I have hesitated to share too much info on here because I haven’t wanted to come off as seeking pity or sympathy.  I don’t like to be seen as weak and incapable. And regardless of how it appears, I really actually hate to broadcast my deepest pains and insecurities.  I really haven’t shared that much when it comes to my own medical issues, let alone my children’s whose privacy I try very hard to protect. 

Plus it’s such an overused trope.  Look at my sick child, look at the difficulties endured.  It just smacks of desperation and attention seeking; of which neither appeals to me. 

But, now that everything else in my life has slowed to an almost complete halt.  I am facing the fact that this situation is hard, it has been hard for a very long time and it’s taking a toll.  It’s the main reason the thought of moving was causing me so much damn stress. 

So I’m taking this forbearance as a gift and taking this summer off to really focus on my child.  I’ve already told her neurologist that she has limited time left.  If she can’t help us figure this out once and for all and get Tia on a path to recovery then we are opting out of Western Medicine. 

Unfortunately, that means that what has been mostly covered by insurance will now be out of pocket. 

The brain injury specialist I would like to take her to doesn’t take insurance and costs $1200 a week. And a friend recently recommended a specialist in Spain that reads blood and cured one of his friends daughter of a mystery illness that no western med doctors could figure out.

But we will finish with this current gauntlet first. I’m giving them 2 more months. In September we are going to try Ketamine. I may take her to a hypnotist too. I’m willing to try almost anything. I’m so desperate to get her functioning on some basic level. And I really want her to be able to go to school in the fall.

Funny that if you see her walking down the street you would never even know how miserable she feels and how debilitating her illness is. She seems normal. She laughs. She participates as much as she can. But then she crashes and burns and has days she can’t even get out of bed, most days actually.

And I’m sick of this, probably just as much as she is. And not because it’s inconvenient or difficult. Not because I have to make constant accomodations for her. Not because she wakes me up in the middle of the night with horrible anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. No! Because it’s just so hard to see, what was my bright, cheerful, hyperactive child so crippled by this invisible issue.

I just can’t bare it anymore. Not that we have much choice here. But this is it. This is my ride or die moment. I’m taking full control and lighting some fires under these doctors asses. She isn’t just a chart they look at every few weeks. She is a living breathing soul in need of help. So…..I’m asking for help. I am demanding help. I am going to find her the help she needs under whatever rock I need to find it. I will go broke if I have to. I will take her to the ends of the earth if need be. But she will be helped. She has to be. She just has to.

And I’m not accepting any other ending here than a happy one. So come on life, universe, God, acquiesce a bitch here please. Make it so! Help me make it so.

🙏🏽❤️‍🔥🙏🏽

Gigi wants to have a family game night tonight.  I just finished making my world not famous chorizo and potatoes scramble.  She laughed when I told her that was my comfort food.  She had it in her head that comfort food is supposed to be junk food.   I don’t disagree that it can be, but to me home cooked meals I’ve had since childhood are a real comfort.

Tomorrow is Tia’s MRI.  She wanted to be sedated because she has to stay still for an hour and she didn’t think her anxiety would let her.  She barely made it through the last one and it wasn’t as long.  She’s very emotional about the whole thing.  You’d think two years of constant doctor’s appointments and poking and prodding would be normal to her by now, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Later tomorrow Jan is going to show me proper pendulum techniques.  I’m looking forward to that.  This week has gone by exceedingly slow, which I find very interesting.  Weeks have been flying by for years now, so to know that it can slow down is nice. 

I’m also applying for a business grant tomorrow and if I get it then I’m definitely going to use it to reopen my business.  I’m unsure where is the thing.  But at least the how won’t be an issue. I’m not holding my breath though.  But it doesn’t hurt to try.

Brad came by to pick up his 20′ ladder and drop off my inversion table.   We talked for a bit.  He invited me to dinner.  He wanted to go to Home Depot.  I said no.  He did leave me his lawnmower though.  So eventually he will want it back.  I don’t know why I said no to him.  I actually am peckish.  I guess, it’s the same situation with Kurt, I know it won’t go anywhere so what’s the use?  Even for just sex it seems pointless.

I’m trying to find a new series to watch.  I finished Psych last week. Watching series helps me feel less lonely. Still a huge waste of time though. That much I readily admit. But I like series, they give me something to look forward to at the end of the day.

So far I’ve really enjoyed You, Firefly, The Expanse, rewatching Big Bang Theory, Frankie and Grace, Umbrella Academy and Eureka. I tried the third season of The Kominsky Method but without Alan Arkin it just isn’t as funny really.

So as you can see I lean towards sci-fi and comedy. So I’m on the mad hunt to find something that will get me through the next few weeks. Wish me luck and any and all suggestions are always appreciated. 💋

I lied. I did not get stoned. I did not fall asleep at 8pm. Instead I drove my ass all the way out to farm country and picked up this free couch.

It’s got a little bit of wear on the bottom left cushion, as you can see. But it’s a real leather sectional from Dania, so the original cost was upwards of $4k. It’s super comfortable too. And we desperately needed it. Trying to all cram into the little couch we had always left at least one person out and heaven forbid the pets were camping out on it, then only one person could sit.

I decided on the drive back that I am going to officially give up on my happily ever after storyline. Officially, this day, June 16, of the year 2021 I am giving up on that dream. Because I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me. I don’t think it’s meant to be. And it’s a huge looming checkbox I would just rather cross off the list than think about any longer.

Now this doesn’t mean I don’t want to have fun; i.e. sex and dating. But I’m not putting any stock in it any more. I know older women who are single and thriving on their own, perfectly happy. And if that’s my fate, honestly, so be it. So fucking be it. I can live with that. And it’s better to let go of a dream on my own terms than be disillusioned and bitter from trying over and over and not finding it.

Because every man I’ve ever loved has disappointed me in monumental ways, broken my heart to pieces and/or not been who they claimed to be. Maybe this is partially my fault; for wanting to believe lies, for falling prey to the story in my own head. Regardless, better to not hold on to some false hope any longer. Better to cross it off the list entirely and focus on making my life fulfilling just for myself; for my own sake.

And, truthfully, tears did well up when I decided this earlier. But, now that I’ve thought it through I’m actually happy about it. It’s taken a weight off. I’m fine. I will be fine. Life goes on. Doesn’t it?

And this isn’t like before when I knew I wanted a friend’s with benefits situation until my life stabilized. No… I mean this long term. I mean this is it going forward. I’m so doubtful that what I wanted even exists in the first place or if the odds for it are just as bad as winning the lottery. Either way… I’m done with it entirely. And that feels good. It really does.

Now some pot is most definitely in order.

🥰👊🏽💋💨

I’m having a bad day but I’m not letting this fact get me down even more, just letting it be what it is.  I do plan on being stoned by 5:30pm and in bed by 8pm.  

I’m on the rag and I have a painful rash on my face.  I’ve had this affliction on and off since puberty, well both actually but I’m talking about the rash right now.  I’ve been to a lot of doctors about it.  The consensus seems to be that I’m allergic to the sun.  But that’s not entirely true.  Sun is always a factor, but there is usually another catalyst, like stress.

Unfortunately this time it is very near my eyes.  So I have an emergency appointment with a dermatologist tomorrow morning.  Because as I have been frequently told, if it gets in my eyes it could leave me blind.  Or as my doctor so casually mentioned today….it could move into my brain and be a catastrophe.  Joy! 

——-

So I’m looking into possibly suing my mother’s boyfriend in civil court. It’s a long shot. I’m not sure anything will come of it and it won’t bring my mother back.

And I have to look into whether I need to take the ex to court for additional child support. He was thrilled to take money from me, but now that it backfired on him he has a million excuses to not pay me more. Narcissism is so convenient for him. He tried paying the “poor me”. I’m like “You tried screwing me, remember? That’s what started this whole thing so don’t come boo hoo to me asshole.”.

He had no issue taking money out of my pocket, but heaven forbid I get what the state says I should get. Oh no, this poor man, how could I? He rattles my cage and then wonders why I bite him. If he would have just left me alone I would have never even known I get more money. So he brought this on himself and I’m tired of being the one that always backs down to avoid conflict. I’ve done this the majority of my life.

Picking my battles wisely, choosing to walk away from assholes and consider that alone the win. But no longer. These assholes don’t get to make my life miserable just because they think they can. I’m not fucking standing for it anymore. I’m just not. It will take me a bit to get my sea legs. I’m not used to being combative but I’m tired of being steamrolled by men who feel so entitled to do it.

I’m not taking it anymore. I’m just not. You idiots want a brawl. I’m gonna give it to you. I’m gonna give you a nasty, bloody, snot soaked brawl… one which no one will really win. This much I already know. But hey….I’m fit to start throwing some punches. So you idiots are getting warned. I’m not taking your crap anymore. Go find another mouse to trample over. I’m coming for you! I am coming! (And not in the way I prefer this to go.)

🤣🤣🤣

I practice escapism as much as I can.  It’s one of my coping mechanisms.  I employ it because it works and it makes any difficulties in my life more bearable.  I’ve employed a lot of different escape tactics: relationships, alcohol, sex, on and on and on.

These escape tactics all have a central theme.  They take me physically away from my circumstances and they take me mentally away from them for an extended period of time: ideally 5 plus hours.  That’s what I’ve accessed to be the sweet spot. 5 hours let’s me feel like I’ve truly gotten away from my life and anything extra is just bonus. 

So right now there is nothing going on in my life to give me that relief: no sex, no boyfriend, no gambling, no nothing.  And consequently I’m feeling very overloaded with all the issues.  And I’m having to sit with it.  I’m having to really look at all these difficulties head on and honestly….I’m not feeling great about it.  And it’s mental much more than physical. 

Like not being able to run away from all my burdens and reset myself a bit has left me feeling really burnt out. I don’t think I realized how much I’ve relied on kink recently to help me escape my issues. And I don’t mean this is a bad way. I think it’s great to get away and reset so that one can come back and do the things one needs to do with a clear mind and a desire to be there.

I have neither a clear mind nor a desire to be here right now. I am struggling to just do the absolute basics in life. I forced myself to eat yesterday because I was getting so lightheaded I knew I’d be shaking soon. Had it not been for that I probably wouldn’t have eaten all day. And this is becoming just as common as the days I gorge and find myself eating a whole slab of thick ribs at one time.

Do we call this officially depressed? IDK. I hate to labels things. This is transitory; situational even. Right now things in my life are extraordinarily difficult and murky, to say the least.

But I know I need to get my mental clarity back or I won’t be able to figure my way out of this. So letting myself sit in this place of chaos and extreme pain seems non-productive. Except…… at this exact moment I don’t think sitting with it is a bad thing. It’s something I’ve avoided for a long time. And now that I have given myself no choice but to look at it all, surround myself in it, it is feeling too damn hard to endure much longer. But maybe this is what I need?

Not trying to sound suicidal here. What I’m saying is that this pain I try to avoid feeling. These uncomfortable, overwhelming feelings may be what I need to go through. I guess I’m not feeling like I need to run away anymore. I’m feeling like I need to go through the fire once and for all and see what’s on the other side.

Maybe this makes sense. Maybe it doesn’t. It’s been a weird kind of day. Who the hell knows? Lol

But I’m not gonna let myself escape this time. I’m gonna just sit right here, deep in the thick of it. Through the tears, through the pain, not avoiding it any longer, not escaping and resetting. Taking it all on. Alright life…..let’s do this.

❤️‍🔥🙏🏽🌎💋

It’s not that I want to be an all or nothing person.  It’s not that I pride myself on it.  But it is the stance I most often take.  Because it’s easy.  It’s cut and dry. 

I commit to something and see it through or I walk away.  Easy, until it’s not.  I’ve had two relationships in my life that were a merry-go-round of continual make-up and break-ups.  Except for these instances, even when it’s not been easy to walk away, I do so; especially if it’s for my own good. 

And as much as I complain about being lonely, bored and horny I’m not will to settle for something I don’t want to settle for.  Which to some people may seem absurd.  I have plenty of opportunities for dates, sex, companionship, even money (as gifts not an exchange).  And I’m ambivalent about it all.  I’m not wanting to put in any effort and even when it’s brought right to me I still don’t seem to want it.

And it’s not that I’m not feeling better than what I’m being offered or worth more, I’m just not enticed by anything I see, and I find that perfectly acceptable.  I have no anxiety whatsoever about it.  I’m happy single. I really am. I wish I had been able to grasp onto this feeling much earlier in life.

I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do. Right now I’m comfortable doing nothing. Maybe I’ll find a lover. Maybe I’ll meet someone who will shake my world upside down in all the right ways. Whatever it is I want to be overwhelmed.

I want to want the person desperately, with every fiber of my being; and I want the feeling reciprocated. And other than great sex, everything else seems way too boring to me. This is part of that all or nothing stance, with an exception for great sex. Lol

Things with K never got off the ground. I’m honestly not sure what he wanted from me. He isn’t the most transparent person. So he wasn’t exactly forthright. My supposition is that what he truly wants is a submissive that will top him. So he’s been trying to train submissives to do that with absolutely no luck and I get his pain. Lol. But I’m not that girl. Not that it wouldn’t be fun. But…..nah.

See, I’m just not enticed. I’m not motivated to want to participate in that. Lol. Maybe because I know his flaws. I know where we clash already. And I’d rather take a chance on something new than invest my time and emotional energy in something that ultimately won’t go anywhere. And yet, I’m doing nothing to find something new either.

Well…..it’s fine. I just haven’t the desire to do anything about my love life right now. Younger men are fun, but we don’t have much in common. Older men are fun but they usually have their lives pretty set and expect a partner to fit themselves into their life without a whole lot of concessions or building up of a new life together.

Reminds me of this rich ebay client I had in California. He was on wife number 3; beautiful, blonde, trophy type wife. And he was having to get rid of all the furniture that he had accumulated with his previous wives. It was very high end, collectible furniture of showroom quality from designers like Eames and he laughed about it. He had no issue doing it all. But that isn’t most people. Which is why I was sad he was taken. Lol

But hey….as long as I can still laugh my way through life we are doing good. And right now I feel fine just as things are. And ain’t that grand?

❤️‍🔥🌈🙏🏽🥰🌎🌞💋

I wish more people were radically honest. I’m all for the kindness movement. I think it’s revolutionary and much needed. But even beyond that, I think we need a lot more honesty in this world. Especially for people to own up to who they really are and not the charades they like to play at; not the false masks they’ve learned to cart around.

I have always been an honest person. To the point where it’s cost me very dearly. I’ve lost family, friends, business opportunities and many possibilities in life. I could be married. I could have financial security. I could have so much in life if I was willing to just lie.

And I don’t even mean lies that hurt people. I mean telling people what they want to hear and ommiting the things they don’t want to hear, even when they point blank ask. Those kind of lies. The kind that the majority of people use for convenience and to get ahead.

Look, I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing here, but I have always known who I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be duplicitous. I don’t want to be fake. I have many, many facets to my being and that allows me a wide expanse but I know where the lines are. And when I step out of them I have conscious knowing of it. I take responsibility even if I was led there.

But being this radically honest along with my endless curiosity is what has allowed me to explore and become who I am now. And I really like myself. I recognize that this honesty has added exponential difficulty to my life sometimes. But it’s also garnered me respect and admiration from very unlikely places and more importantly respect for myself.

I can’t be a person that puts honesty aside to take whatever I can get in life. I can’t put honesty aside to stroke egos. I can’t put honesty aside to gain traction in life. I can’t put it aside for the sake of money, power, prestige, popularity, etc. It has never been me and it will never be me to do so. And I’ve accepted that.

I’ve accepted that this world penalizes honesty. It runs from it, hides and even build escapes from it. This world runs on a cowards agenda of smoke and mirrors wrapped up in disguises that entice and lull.

So it’s no wonder lies are a common societal construct; with justifications being high in the mix. We all employ those shields. We all want to stay in our little cocoons of comfort and complacency. I can’t blame anyone really. Justifications are the hardest things to come clean about, because they necessitate brave and honest introspection.

Truthfully, being honest sucks. It rarely pays off. It’s inconvenient. It can be hurtful to all parties involved. It requires inordinate amounts of courage and constant vigilance. And sometimes I use my own words to nail myself to the wall. That’s what being honest is.

So truly, I understand why so few people employ radical honesty. Which I believe is the attempt to live a life of honesty at any cost, and at all times. And yes the cost is great, very great on the outside. But it’s one of the foolproof ways for my soul to sing.

It may be a solitary life being so radically honest. Most men find it intimidating. Most bosses find it irritating. Most people don’t appreciate it. I can’t count how many times I’ve left people speechless with jaws wide open from responding to a simply inquiry with straightforward honesty.

And even for the high, countless, never ending cost I wouldn’t change it. It’s actually one of the qualities I most like about myself. Even if it runs completely counter culture to the world at large.

I believe the world is wrong. So what do I care really? I never anticipated winning any grand accolades in this life. I never anticipated being at the upper echelon of any of the categories people clamor and kill for. I only ever wanted to be happy. And this is one of the key components of that happiness… the capacity and desire to be radically honest. I find it greatly undervalued indeed❣️

😒🙏🏽🌎🥰🌈💋

I am specifically thinking of how I personally feel, with the way technology infiltrates our entire lives. I feel like I have very little safe space in the world. I don’t like the reach of technology, government, corporations, and frankly almost anyone with some tech know how. Everyone carries espionage equipment. Cameras are mounted everywhere it seems.

How easily someone can track your location, address, work, credit score, life history, relatives, medical information, shopping habits, secret vices, hobbies, passions or lack of and so much more is scary.

But I can see that this is a strange stance to take for several reasons. For one, I tell people anywhere in the world more than they care to know or read about my life every single day. And then also, this technology and cameras and backlogs of data have helped expose racism, pedophiles, government corruption, corporate crimes, human trafficking, on and on and on. It has been used for a lot of good. It connects people. It has created possibilities that were unheard of without it.

It has created this community for me to participate and feel welcomed into. But there should be a way for it to be a win/win and not just lose my basic freedom to not be a commodity and be able to have some low level anonymity in this world, and not just the kind that allows you to be a social media douche.

SMH
Know what I mean?
😤😒🤨

Suffice to say I had a lot of fun yesterday with K but I have no idea what, if anything will come of it.  He told me his situation.  I told him mine.

If we can come to terms on a part time lover situation great.  I know he wants to be pegged and I can happily oblige that.  But as far as a future and a deep emotional commitment and bond that’s not happening.  I have absolutely no desire to make this anything more than good sex.

I guess the fact that I’m perfectly happy single right now gives me a lot of clarity and let’s me easily walk away from situations that aren’t creating a positive effect on my life.   And really that’s all there is to that. 

I’m going for a hike with Trina today. It’s a beautiful, sunny day. The weather is it’s usual Spring self: all over the place. It may rain two days and may also reach 87 degrees later in the week. Today will reach the perfect high of 77 degrees.

I stumped the Trader Joe’s cashier last night. They are so chatty and ask lots of questions sometimes. So when I started asking him questions he grew quiet. I could tell he felt vulnerable. Although he brought up the subject of a side gig he refused to tell me what it was. I laughed so hard. Some people can not take what they dish out.

I do hate that when I laugh it sometimes appears as if I may be laughing at the person I’m engaging with. Especially when they themselves don’t find whatever has happened amusing. But that’s never the case. I’m just laughing at the situation, the absurdity, or even at myself and how I innocently get myself into these spots with people.

People take themselves so seriously sometimes. Don’t they?

🤣❤️‍🔥🌎🥰🌈🙏🏽💋🌞