I succumbed to my own depravity last night. Ok. No. That probably makes it sound worse than it is.
What happened is that the teenager blindsided me with staying home last night instead of going to her father’s. Which immediately sent me into a tailspin. Even after I explained how much I look forward to my time off (to masturbate, take a heavy dose of THC, blare my music, take a 2 hour bath and with no need to regulate my sleep or take care of anyone but me).
She didn’t quite care.
Now this also caused anxiety because that meant he only had the two smaller kids with him. Which I’m just going to have to learn to live with eventually because she is going off to college soon and she is 18. Legally she doesn’t have to go with him any longer anyways.
And of course even though she has her own room she was listening to her music and relaxing on my bed (aka the futon in the living room). It just sent me into a huge anxiety attack and I had to leave the house with nowhere to really go and I succumbed to one of my vices.
When I was doing so good. I was really proud of myself for how great things were going. And one small thing completely derailed me. She is gone tonight, but it still put a hitch in everything I had planned. I have cleaning, errands, laundry, business calls, work, packaging and more precisely planned around my self care routine. And it got all discombobulated and I simply crumbled.
When you have a lot on your shoulders and your burdens are many sometimes it only takes a tiny jolt to set off an avalanche.
I was thinking today what do people need in the world. If you take aside money, and every issue money alone can solve, then what else is there?
What would be the common denominator? I bet it would be support, community, a sense of belonging, of being understood and of people genuinely caring.
But that’s just my guess. I would like to know though. I truly would because I can’t help people with money, but I can help in other ways.
I was thinking today, praying, asking God for real stability and health for myself and my kidlets. I was trying to barter. I said if you give me this I can be so much more helpful in the world. I can have the foundation to be of more use to humanity.
But…..there has got to be more. I’m missing something myself. Stability and health I have for today. Since there are no guarantees for tomorrow what is there to worry about really?
I think this world is missing something key to the happiness of its inhabitants. Let’s assume money is no longer a factor. Pretend everyone has their basic needs met: food, water, shelter. Then what?
There is so much more to this life than survival.
But if I’m going to help others I really need to help myself. What example am I? I would like to get to a place where my life is truly settled. Where I am truly at peace with myself. Where I like who I am, I make good choices, and I am accountable to myself.
I can not teach or exemplify what I have not mastered, now can I?
Ho hum. At least I get to masturbate tonight.
(Love Song – Elton John)