There are websites where you can exchange houses with people from all over the world for weeks to months at a time. Except realistically I can’t right now, so I’m not sure why I’m even thinking about it. Maybe for the summer though, if everything is still closed down. But this all still hinges on how the loan mod goes.
But I’d love to see people’s faces again and not worry about markings on the floor that mark the distance between people, or arrows that tell you which way to go or lines outside to control crowds.
And I get that many people are all in on these measures, but I’m just so over it all. In very remote and conservative areas of California they aren’t enforcing a lot of the regulations and the police forces, being just as conservative, don’t care.
I’ve found myself aligned with conservative values sometimes in life. It’s why I never really cared that my mother was a staunch Republican. Because I also believe in some of the precepts.
I was accused of being a white conservative Nazi freak because I was advocating for having a choice regarding vaccines on Reddit. And it made me laugh so hard. I basically told them to stop being so narrow-minded. I told them that not only am I a registered Democrat that voted for Biden, but that I’m a dark skinned, minority woman. And they shockingly had nothing to say to that. I guess it didn’t fit their enemy narrative.
This whole “stop the inner dialogue” is so hard.
I am trying. But I am also being easy with myself about it and taking my time, not stressing myself out and just doing what I can.
I realized that the music I always listen to has words and those words put thoughts in my head. So I stared listening to instrumental music and then realized it was still creating a mood and feelings.
So I’ve been listening to silence. There is actually a lot to pick up in the world from listening to the ambient noises around you: birds singing, wind rustling, cars traveling, people talking.
I miss the sound of children laughing. That is my favorite sound in the world. The sound of a child’s innocent laughter. It’s just the best sound ever. Better than the sound of waves crashing. Maybe on par to someone who you adore telling you they love you. It just lifts my spirits and makes me smile deeply, inside.
However I find that the silence helps calms my nerves. I can keep my mind less agitated in silence. It doesn’t go up and down so much. It stays pretty even keeled. Some might think it boring, but I find it quite soothing. It still doesn’t make stopping the inner dialogue easy though.
Yesterday I caved and went on social media. I missed the news. I missed the banter of Reddit. I missed the mirth of Buzzfeed. But there is so much propaganda and subversion also, plus a lot of acrimony. And the more I get away from it the more it bothers me.
I suppose like all things there is mostly irrelevant or neutral information in the world, then there’s truly bad information and very uplifting stories. Does it all equal out? I don’t know. I’m not keeping score. But knowing these stories doesn’t improve my life. Nor does not knowing improve my life. It’s just a way to disengage from the “need” to know and let things be whatever they are.
Of all people in my life I am enjoying Jan’s company the most. She is such a gentle spirit and she’s led a fascinating life. She followed Ama. She lived and worked at the Transcendental Meditation headquarters. Travelled with the Daime to South America. She lived in a commune for over a decade. She is so spiritually grounded and has done all these things I’ve thought of doing and will probably never get to.
But I ask her tons of questions and get as close to vicariously living those experiences as I can. She’s so wise and yet so easy going and calm that I forget that she has so much more spiritual acumen than I do. And she doesn’t push or try to make me see things any which way.
I enjoy her company so much on a friendship level that I forget she has so much she could teach me. But also maybe because all the lessons I’ve learned have been mostly self taught, or things that I picked up and learned because they resonated with my heart….. that maybe I don’t know how to be a good student.
All the same…. she asks nothing of me and gives me the space to be completely myself. And that is such a breath of fresh air in a world always trying to get something from you or mold you into something it wants.
I am so grateful to have her in my life.
This morning I was thinking of my therapist Sylvia. And Celine Dion’s song “because you loved me” popped in my head. I don’t claim to know or think that she loves me. But I do know that her support and encouragement has helped me grow as a person. I know that I am grateful to her more than I could ever demonstrate or explain. I know that without her I’m not sure I could have gotten through all I have over the last 6 years. She has been a stable foundation for me, more than anyone else I can even think of, in my entire life.
I’m dropping off her gift basket today. She won’t be there as she works remote, but she’ll get it eventually. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make her understand her placeholder in my life and how much she means to me. I am just so thankful for her.
And don’t ask me why when I feel such a deep level of gratitude it always makes me want to cry.