Love Deficit – Sex Surplus

I’m just gonna come clean here. I have not been celibate as of late. I tried. Really I did. Yet….on my birthday I found myself in a conundrum I’ve faced a couple times in my life.

I had sex with two men on the same day. Now….I don’t care what anyone thinks about this. I truly only care what I think about it and more importantly why this keeps happening to me & I’ve come to the abject conclusion that I make “not great” decisions when it comes to men.

In this case, as was the same situation previous times, I had sex with a man I care about and wanted to have sex with and then also sex with a man who cares about me deeply and very much wanted to have with me.

Why can these not be the same man? Why is there always a disconnect? It’s like I’ve navigated the Dom & sub space all along without even knowing or understanding it. Always having one or the other and never really both in one. Which is what I crave deeply. A man that enthralls me completely and yet is loving and doting.

But nooo…I have either one loving sub at my beckon call that I usually adore but doesn’t quite make the “one and only” cut or have had a Dom who is generally a heathen and treats me arrogantly and stand-offish. A man who I can’t seem to get enough of until I get tired of his antics and my scorn flares one too many times and I turn him away for good.

What would it take to find both in one? I recently met a rather handsome Dom who wants to be “friends”. Which is all fine and well but it is usually code for “with benefits”. I suppose we’ll see. He seems to think once again that my expectations are too high and that my search may need to be Nationwide. *

I find both those suppositions laughable anyway. My expectations are not high, just my standards are. By this I mean that I will literally friend and possibly (if I so feel like it) fuck or rather almost fuck whomever strikes the mood right**. But who I will let into my heart, mind, entire body and soul must be special. They must beckon me.

Listen. It’s fine. I’m not really complaining. I’d rather be in this limbo than miserably attached to someone that’s only so-so on the Richter scale. Someone that doesn’t make my heart palpitate like crazy.

Whatever you do PLEASE do not call it the plight of the pretty girl. So used to being hit on and propositioned that I’ve become numb to it. That simply isn’t so. I am genuinely grateful for the attention and adoration I get.***I do enjoy men looking at me, flirting with me, desiring me. Do I need it? No. Does it affect my love circuitry? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

If you took a look at my sub list you’d see they are all nothing too much to look at, no Herculean attributes other than sweet, adoring and idolizing me profusely. If you took a look at my Dom list you’d see a bunch of ridiculously good-looking selfish assholes.

The problem is real. So real!! Lol. Soooo……what to do? Well. For now I’ve blown off my “Dom” for lack of a better way to address him and I’d love to get rid of my sub but…for reasons I can’t and don’t want to explain at this point that is not feasible. In his defense, he went out of his way to make sure I orgasmed; and orgasmed well at that yesterday. Sooooo…he has his merits. We’ll see how long until I get horrendously bored; as usual.

Look……I already know he just isn’t going to be cracking the code. I know myself. I know my body, my heart. He isn’t what I want. Not now, not ever…but I am letting him play.

And in my heart still waiting…….ever so patiently for my Mr. Spectacular to come banging on my hearts door.

My body may be enjoying itself here and there but will never, ever be complete without you. If you can’t believe that then you underestimate the degree to which I love.


*because I seem to be told this a lot lately. Since when does knowing what I want constitute a problem? It isn’t an issue at all if I’m fine waiting for it and I am. So….ugghhhh…whatever.

**as seems to be the case lately. That I just have lots of fun doing exactly what I want to and don’t want to do….because I do so love to play. This normally hasn’t involved any sex.

***especially since looks seem to wither quickly for women with age and I’m just happy to still be considered hot and sexy by most men’s accounts. Truly…


I’m realizing that this blog makes it seem like I’ve never loved non-hot guys. This is not the case at all. I just get bored easy. A person has to have a lot of personality to keep up with me. Looks or no looks….but I am a tiny bit of a sucker for a cute face and hard body. Because you’re not? But even that only carries you so far….especially in bed. 😝


I’m feeling self conscious about this post. These are things I haven’t shared with close friends and here I am telling strangers my most intimate sex life details in surround sound. Sure it’s fun but…..worry strikes again.

My bottom line…what i think I’m trying to say is that we should all have lovers; unless that’s not your thing. Then hey….who’s forcing you? No one I hope.

That’s it!

I’m in the market for a husband right now. I’m in line for my “ride or die” guy. A lover keeps the edge off. Let’s me relax enough to enjoy the process and be myself. I see it as a win/win. I’m not sure what the other crazies are doing? I can only give you a window into my crazy. 😂😂😂

John the Electrician

I seem to all of a sudden know a lot of John’s. Interestingly enough; even though it’s a fairly common name I can’t say I’ve been acquainted with hardly any at all in my life and now I must know like 4. Not sure what that’s about; I find it funny.

So John the electrician. Of course he’s married. Not that I like married men. I avoid them like the plague outside of needing to hang out with them, because by the large some of them are pretty fucking dreamy; this John is no exception to that rule. Ruggedly handsome in a very charming and unassuming way, so smart, so attentive and nice. Makes my uterus skip beats.

Not that I want a single more kid coming out of me, but the eggs are still flowing and ugghhh. Just yum, the kind of yum you want to just fall into like a pillow. Yes. That’s it. He feels like a soft billowy cloud that I could just float away on. Feels like he would taste like a fresh, warm biscuit with raw honey and homemade butter. He feels like his love would be luscious.

That was a daydream. Phew. Where was I?


Yea…married. I DO NOT flirt with married men. Period!! I am completely just myself and maintain professionalism. I do not seek to associate with them outside any given need or happenstance. Irregardless of dreaminess factor. I will tell a wife how dreamy their man is. I’ve only ever had one woman take it as an insult. Mainly I think because she was trying to pawn me off on her brother and I had zero interest. Who knows? Most women agree wholeheartedly with me and we laugh about it.

Hey…I can recognize along with their wife that they are still very much human and full of their own issues; and frankly any man is a pain in the ass. The only difference is whether you love them enough and/or there are enough good reason for it to be worth the hassle. Lol.


He charges me hourly and cheap and he is 100% fair plus parts with receipt. So I need his help and I texted him today. All is fine except the last text says:

“Ok, thanks for texting me back it is always a pleasure😊”

always a pleasure and with a blushing face? I don’t get it. Am I reading into it too much? Who knows? Yes, it is nice to see him too; too nice frankly. Lol

My goodness. I NEED my own man. Ok vibrator where are you?


Update (same night 1:38am)

Masturbated. Came hard; not to the thought of John but to the thought of my elusive “him”.

Dammit!!! Where are you?

2 Months

I’m going to take the next couple months to get myself financially stable; one way or another. The universe seems to be leading me in the direction I actually want to go, just not as swiftly as I need. But I will keep working my ass off until the income I need to survive starts to materialize. Good thing I like challenges in life. Lesser souls may have given up by now. My tenacity or sheer stubbornness has a way of helping me out sometimes.

What I didn’t anticipate however was to be blindsided by an unreciprocated love affair. To realize one is not thought of as highly as one wanted or desired as much as one had thought one was can be mildly devastating. Especially when one had the hopes of making something substantial out of the situation. Alas…life doesn’t always work that way. I could sit here and chastise myself for lack of foresight or letting myself get so engulfed…but I’m not sure what purpose that would serve.

I don’t have enough space or time to look at this objectively yet. So I am going to just allow myself these next few months to give dating a backseat. Catch my breath a bit. Get myself organized and stabilized and then charge forth again with my usual bright spirit. I’m going to nurse my wounds for a bit here and redirect that energy towards a much more necessary endeavor.

It’s just too bad that all that dating got me nothing of great consequence; not even a lover. But I had fun. I won’t complain. I am ever so truly grateful to be treated well; to be thought of highly; to be desired.  I pushed myself to the highest of my capabilities working with what I have and who I am. I didn’t expect it to be everyone’s cup of tea but many doors did open for me and that is not something I take lightly or trivially. Deeply honored.

Why I found what I desire with a man that couldn’t give me what I wanted? Well.  Maybe it’s just life laughing at me and asking me to stop taking myself so seriously. Ok universe. Fine. I get it. I’ll laugh again. Just not right this second. Let me pause a minute and wipe these tears. Let me clear my throat and start again fresh in a tiny bit.

2 months. Which when the minutes crawl like slugs and the days seem to drift aimlessly like dandelion petals in the wind may appear like complete lifetimes away. But it’s a goal. A landmark for my soul to look upon in the horizon of what has of late been a somewhat bleak and somber landscape.

Maybe a visit to the sex club is in order. That always cheers me up.