Undying Love

What a ridiculous week I’ve had.

Where to even begin? Ugghhh.

Let’s see…

Two men professed their legitimate and heartfelt undying love for me. I met a sugar daddy who made it very obvious he wanted me and that he has a lot of money. Which I already knew he did, he just made it so over the top obvious, flashing his diamond encrusted watch at me, his brand new car and literally offering me money. Frustrating!!

To make matters worse I didn’t get a really good job I had applied for. I passed all the testing but unfortunately failed the 7 panel interview process. But to top it all off, I may be having to give over custody of my kiddo’s to my abusive, emotionally immature and manipulative ex-husband because I can’t cut it right now.

I blame Valentine’s Day. As far back as I remember this day has been cursed for me. It’s why I don’t make a fuss about it. I try and pretend it doesn’t exist and do the absolute least possible. This year I bought a tiny little something for each kidlet and called it a day and yet still didn’t avoid the blasphemous curse.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do right now. I’m at a very serious crossroads with no easy or even just obvious path in sight. I had hoped this year would be better than the last few I’ve had but it’s started out pretty harsh so far. It’s so odd.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve accomplished a lot of personal growth and hurdles from and including my divorce and abusive childhood and I’m the happiest with myself as a person I’ve ever been and yet…what has that gotten me?

I was reminiscing with (Aaron) one of my ex-boyfriends today and remembering how his mother thought I wouldn’t make a good wife. The funny thing to me about that now is that I was an excellent wife (even by my ex-husbands standards) and to this day Aaron never married. At the time I wanted to be married to him more than anything in the world. Life sure does throw some curve balls. Now, while I still care for him deeply, I would never consider a relationship beyond friendship with him…

My point is that I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t get it. Other times I’ve thought I known what I wanted and gotten it only to be like “oh no”. Like meeting that sugar daddy today. Like the one and only time dating a married man who actually did leave his wife for me…only for me to realize I was never going to trust this man and it had all been a huge mistake from the get-go.

Now; I knew exactly where I needed to be. I did everything necessary to get myself there and I absolutely love the space I inhabit and yet…I could scream!!!

I’m so sick of this hard-knocks life but I don’t want to use the resources offered to me (as far as men go). I just can’t! I can’t! It has to mean something. It just does. I need it to be real or be a bonafide business transaction.

I really just never wanted any of my actions to affect my children. I would do anything in the world to ensure their happiness and safety and the thought of them being away from me rips me to my very core. My ex was barely able to control his happiness at me admitting I have failed too. Technically maybe failed isn’t the best word but I’ve definitely been sidelined…that’s for sure…and all I can hope at this point is that I don’t lose my business or my house.

Something will come through. Something has got to happen. Some miracle. It’s not like I’ve been sitting around eating bon-bons, drinking Pabst all day and watching Days of our Lives. I’ve been working my ass off. I’ve been networking, marketing, adjusting, improving, building my business up. The 6 months I allotted was simply not enough time; which was a HUGE misstep on my part. A year from now is much more feasible.

But now what? What do I do now? Right now? I just don’t even know anymore. I guess I keep moving forward, nose to the ground, working, having faith, moment by moment, day by day, until it opens up; until it all works out. God let it work out…

Tied up in Knots

So I went to Deviant night at the sex club. I expected a bit more deviancy and inclusivity. Not as many gay, gender neutral or the such, but even one is more than what I’ve seen in the past.

There was one girl being hung from the ceiling. She was gorgeous and had a beautifully mesmerizing smile and only a pair of lace undies on. She was a marvel to stare at. It was like a live art installation.

There was a good mix of people; and a lot of boys and a few men. One man I would have talked to but I was surrounded by boys and didn’t pursue it. I did get a lot of attention. Almost every man in the room stared at me and one attractive woman gave me a side glance that was thornier than a porcupines quills. So I know I was looking good, but I really wasn’t feeling it.

The music has never been great there. The food is decent but who goes to a sex club for the food. Maybe I’ll have to wait to have a lover or boyfriend to go again. The voyeur act is wearing on me a little. Watching all these people play and have sex isn’t doing much for me really. Dare I say the thrill is gone?

Ho hum.


So. I’m going to revamp the blog because it’s become way too personal and gritty. No one wants to see the underpinnings. No one wants to see the dancers bloody feet and ripped stockings. They just want to be part of the grand illusion. I don’t have the luxury of being all too human and quite unintentionally fallible…not if I really intend to make this a business.

So if anyone is keeping up; which is doubtful to begin with. There ya go. Expect a more commercially viable blog before the weekend is up. Stiff upper lip people. Stiff upper lip. It’s all good!

Deviants Galore

I’m going to the sex club tonight. I need it like a shot in the arm. I need it to fuel my fire. Today was rough. I cried most of the morning.

I must not be looking in the right direction. All I see is darkness and while I don’t mind the dark; I know the light is here somewhere. I’ve just lost sight of it momentarily.

Lip Service

So I’ve decided effective immediately I’m going to start tithing 10% of my income. Granted I don’t as of yet have said income really but regardless any little bit I bring in will now go before expenses and taxes right to those I want to help.

For me that’s the homeless. Maybe because I’m so close to being one. Lol. No. Not yet. Thankfully. But I have been home deficient several times in my life bouncing around in a car or at peoples houses. That hasn’t been for decades but you never do forget things like that. It sucks!! Not knowing when or what your next meal will be. Not knowing if you’ll be safe at night. Not knowing what the next day brings in any capacity. I suppose some (like traveling monks) could see that as invigorating, but they live in a different culture where people are nicer to the destitute.

Anyway. Point. Yes.

I HATE when people help others in the way they want to help others and not in the way people need help. That’s just paying lip service to feel good about themselves and stop from feeling guilt or any other negative emotion surrounding it. It’s the worst kind of giving and really it’s more like a slap in the face to the people being helped. Even worse those that have means and chose to delight themselves with whatever toys and extravaganzas they want while turning a blind eye to those they know and see are suffering. All the while justifying it to themselves with the “someone else will help them” mentality or even worse the “they need to work for it” motto. One doesn’t know what others struggles are; what they have gone through and are going through in life.

It’s beyond comical. It borders on cruelty I think. The worst part is people aren’t acting with cruel intentions just pure selfishness and lack of compassion and regard. It’s the hypocrisy of thinking “I’m such a good person” and yet not really coming from a true place of benevolence, but more from a “this will make me feel good” stand point or worse turning a blind eye completely.

This is why I only give the homeless cash. Ok. Maybe it’s enabling but maybe it isn’t. Maybe they are going to use it for good. Maybe they’ll save it. Maybe they’ll share it. Maybe they’ll use it for some basic necessity. Who knows? Who cares? Whatever they use it for is their choice. That is what they need. That is what they are asking for. It is NOT my job to judge them. Yes it is my money, but I can’t pass people on the street that I see in need that I know I can help and not help them.

I can’t live in that kind of world.

Now….drum roll please.


Single mommyness is hard. So hard. Oregon has the most expensive childcare in the nation. Ugghhh. I could go on and on. Who cares? I don’t even care about the reasons why I find myself here as much as just trying to get myself out of this the best way I can think of.


I am starting my escort service up again. I guess I have to figure this out once and for all. In retrospect well… sure there are things I could have and can do differently. Does that even matter? If we’re looking to play the blame game then I rule that everyone involved along with everything that has happened played a part, and that of course includes me at the forefront. I would be an idiot to not see that aspect of it. But I’ve always hated playing that stupid game anyway.

Who knows what will come of this. I’m hoping something fun and positive. I’m staying open to the possibilities. I guess we shall see. This will definitely put a crimp in any ideas of dating I had I suppose.

Laying in Bed Naked Last Night

Sex, Sex and more Sex

Is sex ever really just sex?

It can be used for power, money, attention, and fame.

It can be used to combat boredom.

It can be used for procreation, masturbation, indoctrination

It can be wielded against people and used as coercion and bate.

It can be used to unite people.

It’s hormonal, instinctual and as base as it gets.

And I’m hoping to get love from it?

Which is the equivalent of navigating a country road using a topographical map. You may get to where you’re wanting to go but it’s going to be one heck of a trip getting there.

I need to think in terms of getting sex from love.

(Okay boys…line up. The kissing booth is going to be opening soonish. lol ❤️💋)

On way to Hot Yoga

You ever have one of those days when you feel like you’ve been knocked down and then you drag yourself back up and wham…you get knocked down again?

Today felt like that kind of morning. So I made a point to make it to yoga; even though I wasn’t feeling it. Why go? Everyone is allowed off days. Right?

But one has to know if it’s a legitimate regenerating rest or a a step towards losing traction. Sometimes you got to fake it when you aren’t quite there. Most times in the middle of moving forward you’ll forget all about whatever is troubling you anyway…other times maybe not.

Regardless, self care isn’t randomly doing nice things for yourself when you find the time and energy and feel worthy. Self-love is at its true test when you want to curl up in a ball and call it quits.

Okay…some respite for my soul would be nice here soon. Calling forth angels. Please!!