Turbulent Times

These are turbulent times and I’m not even talking about anything outside my own little world here. Lol

I saw this on my way into the gym today and I thought. Is some bicycle lost out in the world? Then on my way out a more deviant thought occured. Is there a man lost out in the world right now and boy would this be a good addition to my toys.

I had a “soul retrieval” this morning and as the name implies it is a way for a healer to help reclaim parts of your soul that were damaged or taken…be it past lives or childhood or whatever.

She (Anneleah Jaxen) is also highly intuitive. She was able to clearly see the dynamic between my mother, my ex, Brad and I.

She asked me not to discredit Brad. He is ever loyal and a good friend. I completely agree but as this time of transitions in my life I feel I need positive, uplifting spirits around me. Then he sends me this picture and well…….my nethers respond in kind. My mouth involuntarily waters. I do miss his arms around me.

Why does the big baffoon send me Pink Floyd’s Dogs song this morning? Does he not get the mood I’m trying SO HARD to set right now? I swear the boi is just so unmindful. Is that a thing? I’m making it a thing.

I keep pushing him away and he doesn’t seem to be getting it. Am I secretly happy? God I can’t even tell anymore. Realistically…..how long can I go without sex? Without being touched? Without playing? He says to me today….

“I want you to strip me, tie my hands behind my back and chase me in the snow with a whip while videoing me”.

All good and well and funny even. But reality is I feel very emotionally disconnected from him which doesn’t make me want to play…..at all. In fact, it makes me want to punish him by abstaining from all play.

I need to be nurtured. My heart and soul need to feel secure, loved, adored, pampered and most importantly UNDERSTOOD. Why does he not get this? Sex is sex. It’s great. I love it. It’s fucking wonderful….. So when I say let’s just be friends. I’m not meaning it to be spiteful. I’m meaning it to be like “hey, you can’t seem to hit the target here so maybe we can just roll this back a few notches and just make the best of it without all the stress of this and that way you can avoid talking to me when I’m stoned and I won’t take it personal. Win/win.”

I feel like I’m done holding tight to things. I need a safe landing.

Adding Positive

I hate dieting. I hate having to abstain from something I love/like for my own good. It’s so much easier to just add in the stuff I want to have in my life…. regardless of the stuff I have not taken away yet.

Today I finally made it to the gym. I only had 30 minutes so I made the most of it. I still ate 2 cupcakes and chips for dinner. But tomorrow I’ll try for some infrared sauna time, maybe some deep meditation or yoga and definitely a fruit-n-veggie smoothie.

I just have to keep adding the good stuff in until the bad stuff just naturally falls to the wayside. I gotta think marathon and not short sprint here. I gotta reinforce positive behavior and not reprimand negative. Right now my psyche can’t handle any semblance of harshness….. especially not from myself.

Nope. Right now…….I am doing awesome just being me…..that’s my storyline and I’m sticking to it….

πŸ˜‰πŸ˜πŸ’–

Hoping your storyline makes you smile, even if it’s just the one you created in your head. πŸ’‹

Get-a-way

I could really use a semi-lavish getaway. I could use a few days of quiet respite and solitude. A few days to reassess everything and just unplug from it all, while eating good food in the comfort of warmth and a nice view.

But my checkbook isn’t going to consolidate itself and it’s telling me, actually screaming from the other room at me “you don’t have the resources to pay for such a retreat bΔ“-Γ€ch”.

Not yet. Not yet. One day soon….. one day soon.

Or better…..right? Or better!!

Meanwhile. Fake it til you make it. My therapist says let your face and demeanor express how you really feel inside and I totally get that; but sometimes smiling and throwing on dance songs helps too.

“Smiles everyone” and shake that groove thing. πŸ˜‰πŸ’‹πŸ’–πŸ™πŸ½

Self talk

I’m trying so hard to change the script in my head.

Stay positive. Focus on the good. Be grateful. Speak as if it were already so. Don’t focus on past mistakes. Don’t focus on past negative experiences. Let a new paradigm unfold. Leave space for a new reality. Bring in miracles. Manifest ease and greatness. Make your dreams come true.

Right now. It feels like a constant vigil against my own self doubts. It is a constant battle against my own frustration. It is not exactly easy or even enjoyable………this task of rewriting my own inner dialogue, fears and expectations.

It’s so much easier to just go with what I’ve always gone with. But I need big huge, giant ball size miracles right now and I know that I have to clear the path for that to happen. I have to clear the blockages from my own subconscious, self-sabotaging mind.

This is why I need to surround myself with positivity, positive spirits, positive people, radiant energy. It’s available.

What I am seeking is seeking me.

Let’s do this!!!!

Mr. Schaeffer

I was reminded today about my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Schaeffer. He was one of the few teachers that took interest in me. He had a library of books in his class that he let us borrow and he would read to us often in class. This was the first time in my life I remember enjoying being read aloud to.

He instilled in me my love of words and books and realities beyond my own. A taste for fantasies of what could be and worlds I could visit whenever I wanted to kept me deeply entrenched in lives so much better and happier than my own. It was my first taste of dreaming while awake.

I was still young and naive, but the world was already a cruel place to be. He was a positive male role model in a life that was devoid of very many.

Thanks Mr. Schaeffer….wherever you are.

Humility

True humility is a tough commodity to come by in this world

It can so easily be drowned out by egotism and accolades

It is by far the most grounding attribute one can have

Funny that

So often I have taken the “high road”

Only to find out all along I was the one in error

And had I not endured my own humility

I would have been the clear fool

So often

Humility has saved me from hurting others unnecessarily

So often it has helped soften difficult situations

So often it has helped keep my heart soft and maleable

In a world that at times seems so penchant on destroying it

Let us be each other’s keepers

πŸ’–πŸ¦‹πŸ™πŸ½πŸ€—πŸ’‹

Obsessed

Lately I’ve been really enjoying Ben Howard. His songs aren’t exactly jovial, but that’s just the mood of the moment. Funny that all the songs I’m enjoying start with the letter O. Wonder how purposeful any of this thing called life truly is?

Reminds me though. I have time for one of those*. Maybe I’ll pencil it in quickly.

——

*an o(rgasm)