What part of dying on a cross and coming back to life after 3 days is any less crazy than having a slew of virgins all for yourself in the afterlife? Now personally I’d rather have a slew of sex slaves but whatever, to each his own.

But also, if I could choose between coming back to life in a kingdom where lots of powerful people want me dead (after they’ve successfully and publicly killed me once) or going to heaven and having bunches of sex. Well. That’s not a difficult answer.

Dirty girl

My mind goes right to porn in my head. It’s so much better than VR.

That last post now has me thinking of a threesome with a sub and Brad and then Shri offering me his 11″ dick (even from thousands of miles away) sends me into a little bit of a drooling frenzy.

I’m a wierd brand of nymphomaniac. I can be monogamous no problem at all, actually prefer it, but with the BDSM lifestyle is there even a need to?

Plus I’m single. Like jeezus, there has to be some benefit to this, right? Grass is always greener. I get it. Don’t harsh my mellow! (Lol…sorry just telling the voices in my head).

Let’s just enjoy this, shall we? Music Maestra, please.


I’ve been thinking a lot about subs

lately for some reason. This is the beginning of a conversation I am having with one now. Lol. There is something very powerful about enticement.

Then there are some more memes and things I found good and/or interesting. πŸ’‹

*And when I say possessive I also mean to possess… as in sexually, in case of any doubt. πŸ˜‰πŸ†


Subject change

Teach your daughter!!

But I know it’s not just me

Maybe the worst part is…. I know I’m not the only one struggling.

There are millions of souls suffering in this world. Some gravely from need of basic necessities like food, water and shelter. Some suffer from health issues. And then the spectrum continues all the way to simple loneliness and lack of feeling loved, appreciated, accepted and understood.

I know some people have it worse. Absolutely. I don’t take away anyone’s reality. But I also don’t compare myself to people, on any side of the spectrum; not those better off and not those worse. We all live our own melodramas.

What bothers me the most is that in a beautiful world so full of treasures and pleasures. A planet of bountiful essence; that supports so much life and vitality. That has given us breath and more than we could ever need.

How we divide and conquest it; steal from it, pillage it, disgrace it, ravage it and dishonor it. How we do this to ourselves as well. It’s one thing to come into an environment that is harsh and a landscape that is bare and make the most of it. But this world is so magnificent and us humans have the capacity to be such giving and loving beings.

And yet….here we are. In the shit show that is modern living: wars, famine, drug addiction, modern enslavement (of all kinds from literal to corporate), sex exploitation, business, government and church greed with their hands in our pocketbooks and on our throats, with a big dick up our asses telling us to “be grateful for what we have and smile pretty for what we will get”. Unfulfilled promises of empty vanities.

Lust for power, money, fame, more and more and never-ending more is the downfall of mankind. But few see or care how complicit we are, when we are all in survival mode. It makes no sense to me. None of this world makes much sense to me at all.

Yet here we are. Here I am.

This would disturb any sane person and yet we are all so numb to it. I often think the “crazy” ones are the most sane because they cracked. It’s really us hardened ones I worry about more.

At wits’ end

Tonight I am struggling. Caretaking for a sick child is so hard, especially one with a tweenage attitude. Add to that: two jobs. Two other kids. Three pets. Plus… I just got bumped off my healthcare plan and the IRS sent me a letter saying they were going to seize my house. I don’t even have time to call these people and start contesting any of this bullshit.

I feel like I’m failing drastically at everything right now. Tears are flowing down my face as I type this. It’s really not a matter of “why me?” because well…I suppose why not me. I guess this is meant to be someone’s life and I’m “it” on this go around. It’s just that it all feels so hard and I don’t know how much more I can bear.

You all get to read about my life and then go on your way doing your own lives. But I’m stuck here, in this giant mess… in a holding pattern of difficulties on top of more difficulties and I just want to lay it all down and walk away.

I understand how people can just go get milk and never come back. I really do and right now I wish I could do that. But I can’t. My heart won’t let me. I saw a bumper sticker today that said “failure is not an option” and it made me feel bad because it seemed foreign to me. Like “um, sure it is”. This whole one step forward and two steps back thing I have going on seems like a huge failure to me. This barely managing to keep my head above water is so disheartening.

I don’t understand this life at all. But I guess maybe I’m not meant to. I know none of this matters. I know if I died right now life would go on and in the span of less than a few generations no one would even remember me. A passing reference in some anecdote…. maybe, at best. And beyond that, centuries from now, a millennium from now I won’t even be a whisper of dust.

So the fact that any of it matters now is only because I give it that denotation. I can see why people turn to drugs and alcohol. I know if I could go easily forget about my problems for a few hours I absolutely would. I suppose it’s a good thing my liver says “no can do, sorry but not sorry”.

Maybe that’s why I latch on to meditation, sex and my almost nightly TCH/CBD dose. It’s why I desperately need to get back into daily exercise. These are the things that keep me somewhat stabilized in a world that seems hell bent on subjugating me, killing my spirit and taking what little I have.

Welcome to my “pity party”. Grab a seat if you dare. Things may get wild here tonight. πŸ€ͺπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ. I’m just gonna go with it and let the tears come out as long as they want to. πŸ₯ΊπŸ˜­

Does anyone need milk?

Feeling better….(knock on woodπŸ˜‰)

Woke up with the smallest of headaches and a dry throat but that’s it. I did cancel on helping the teacher today at my smallest munchies school and slept in a bit. The middle kidlet had me up from about 2:30 to 5am crying and a bit hysterical with a massive dizzy spell.

She’s getting an MRI soon, but meanwhile what do we do? We haven’t found a definitive cause. But I’m thinking that hypnosis couldn’t hurt. I’m also trying to get the vertigo protocol from the Pranic Healing teacher. Grasping at straws but something has got to work here.

I hate cancelling on the school but I needed the rest. Migraines are no joke, they leave me with a few days of exhaustion afterwards. Kind of like a migraine hangover. I have gotten them so bad I’ve had to go to emergency and get morphine. No clue exactly what hit me this time but it cycled through quickly and seems to be going now.

But back to the school thing. I’ve offered to volunteer on an ongoing basis two mornings a week. I want to do this because the teacher needs help. She is sweet and so caring and genuinely doing her best but she doesn’t have a ton of experience yet and she has about 4-6 very inattentive (hyper) children in her class who tend to disrupt constantly. Some stay on task and some don’t. Not that they aren’t intelligent, if anything a few seem hyperintelligent.

I don’t know their exact issues. I can’t comment to each child specifically. There is one child who is definitely on the spectrum and he does get a lot of aides come in to help, but he doesn’t get dedicated teaching. So he misses out a lot. I was talking to a few other moms about the situation. Which in hindsight was probably not a good call. But they asked me specifically about it and they have vested interest of course because their children are in the same class.

I told them that I am trying to help more in class because it benefits everyone and it’s worth my time to be part of the solution or at least try be of help. They were asking why we have students like that in a regular class. I don’t have an answer to that but I do know that we have a pretty decent school system in this city and that the education these children are receiving is probably the best free schooling they can get.

I used to have a neighbor that paid $5k a month for her child to attend a very specialized autism school. I don’t recall much else but that price tag sure stood out. It’s a sad situation for everyone, I think.

I remember struggling in school because my method of learning is not the way schools teach. I would have to doodle while the teacher talked to not have my mind wander and be able to actually listen. People talk so slow it’s like torture to me sometimes. My mind processes things quickly which is why I learn better at my own pace. To this day I still can’t learn from videos or online training. But I am an introvert. These children are extroverts. Making it a completely different ballgame for them.

Well, off to work and then a new client later. He’s a real interesting gentleman. He was part of the 60’s movement and he stayed true to himself and has been living the spiritual lifestyle being vegan and altruistic. Now he has a rare disease that he is trying to fight, that most people die of. I commend his spirit. He is an extraordinary character.

At some point I’ve got to clean my house. Not a priority but also not coming off the list until I do something about it myself, unfortunately. And I’ll feel so much better the 3 minutes it will stay clean. Lol

I wonder, would I rather have time or money? Can’t say. Right now I seem to have neither. πŸ€ͺπŸ€£πŸ€¨πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€”

Cest la vie.


It caught me

So I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that I thank the mucoid plaque cleanse for boosting my immune system exponentially. Prior to that every single time any one of the kids got sick I did to. Being the main caretaker and cleaner upper I was exposed to everything always.

But since the cleanse exactly one year ago I’ve been sick only once. Unfortunately not the case for the kiddo’s. Last month saw all of them sick with them coughing right in my mouth and me picking up snot filled Kleenex all over the house and all the other benefits of caretakingπŸ™„.

I actually blame Brad a bit too though. I’m not used to sharing a blanket and all night (when I spent the night Friday) everytime he moved I got uncovered. I was freezing. Even though he literally sleeps with 3 blankets on. The next day I was already feeling my throat sore and sniffly. Now I’m in full-blown head cold mode.

Hoping a colloidal silver and probiotic infused enema along with a colloidal silver sinus flush helps knock it out. Tis the season for sure. Lots of sick kiddos today; coughing and snotty noses running at the birthday party venue.

I was able to cancel on the cancer client. Her immune system is already too compromised and I don’t want to expose her. So I’ll be headed to bed now.

Brad originally offered to bring me soup since all I’ve managed to have today is a tiny bit of oatmeal and some fries. But my house is a mess and I’m not feeling like hearing him complain. He’s not wrong of course. This is why he used to pay his niece to clean my house. That was a nice treat. But those days seem long gone.

My head is pounding hard. If the flush and THC don’t take care of it I’ll have to masturbate. This is when masturbating becomes a chore. When I have a migraine class headache. It’s just not what I really want to be doing. I’m not horny at all.

This is when I really wish I had a partner to cuddle with and help me. The kids aren’t that helpful or nurturing and I don’t expect them to be really. But it would be nice to have someone here.

I’m feeling like that scene in Sex and the City when Samantha gets sick and has no one. Shes rich and sophisticated, worldly and has a rolodex of men for sex and what have you but no one when she is down and out. I’m not rich or sophisticated, but none the less… I am…alone.

At least the kids are pretty self sufficient now. Thank God for that and their father will be here soon anyways to take charge of them for a couple of hours.

Now where’s that damn vibrator?


Update: after an hour, two orgasms and lots of visualization my headache is not at deathcon level anymore. Yay!! Gonna try and sleep. Someone bringing me soup would have been nice though. But fasting when sick is not bad either.