Bitch Academy, ADHD, slow ride, the lucky one

The Secret Aspie wrote a great blog about graduating Bitch Academy. I can relate to that. Lately I just don’t care about putting up with people’s bullshit and male ego is towards the very top of that list.

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I was also thinking of how cruel I can be to Brad. You would think I feel bad about it, but I don’t. I really don’t. Last night at dinner I told him in front of everyone “enough already”. At first I saw the pain in his eyes, which quickly switched to anger. He said “ok, I’ll just stop talking”. And I simply continued my conversation with my mother. When he settled down enough to ask me why I had said that I told him he was talking too much and leading every conversation and that I wanted others to have a chance to talk.

Truthfully, I am realizing (now that he has stopped taking his medication for a bit) that he needs it or something to cope with his mind. I told him today to call his doctor and get his new medication filled. When and if I get my hands on him full-time I will incorporate better habits into his life and help him naturally manage it. For now though he needs a simpler solution.

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The girls have been missing me. Last night as I was leaving to spend the night at Brad’s they all complained. Not about him directly, more so about the lack of time I spend with them. It’s been over two years since the divorce. Time in which I didn’t work as many hours as I do now and I didn’t have a boyfriend so they had me to themselves a lot. I adore my children. I know that I have a very brief time left with them at home. The first one will be leaving in less than 2 years. But I also refuse to let them dictate my social life and I can not possibly work less than I do and afford to live.

So all I can do is slow things down a bit with Brad. For now at least until the time comes (if ever) that things are solid enough to move things to the next level. I refuse to live with a man I’m not married to though so it will be a big jump for everyone at some point, as I do wish to be married again.

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I was thanking Brad today for all he has done for me in just the last 24 hours. Let’s see. He bought us dinner, bought the tickets for the show, brought presents for under the tree (the first ones), drove me to his place and back, bought the girls donuts and paid his neice to clean my house today. Not to mention the lovely orgasm and play we had last night and this morning. Plus instead of waking me like he usually does in the middle of the night I was able to easily convince him to let me sleep and got a full 8+ hours in.

So I was thanking him for everything and he says “I’m the lucky one” and my thought to that is simply “you’re damn right!” Lol

He then says to me “I’m going to become an expert about you”, and “you’re making me grow in ways I never even knew I needed to”. Good boi. He’s learning. He is becoming the man and boi and I need him to be. He loves me enough that I think he will get there. But we shall see. Shan’t we?

We shall see…. for now I’m just enjoying the journey.

Nutcracker, pranic healing

Like all people, I say and do stupid things sometimes. Writing them in a blog just saves them for all to see. Lol.

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I had forgotten how awesome it felt to orgasm at the exact same time. Indescribable yummy!! Since it hadn’t happened to me in over a decade I had simply forgotten the lusciousness of it.

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Tonight we are going to see the Nutcracker Ballet. It’s a holiday tradition my mother began and one I’ve kept with my own daughters. Today the little one gets to see her first full scale production and not a shorter children’s version. I’m so excited. Last year I was so exhausted I started to fall asleep during parts of it.

I had to buy cheap seats this year so I’m hoping they aren’t too far to miss the splendor of it all. I’m just hoping we aren’t too far up in the rafters that it looks like we are watching it on a small TV from across a room.

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I didn’t achieve a full (complet) orgasm last night. Probably for the best. Tonight I see Brad and I hope I’m not too tired to play hard and orgasm well. I’m hoping one of these days I can achieve multiple orgasms with a man and not just my bullet vibrator but we shall see. I’m going to ask him to pop some extra Viagra. I may need to take a cold shower to get the extra energy I will probably need to stay up for a marathon session.

Just something else to look forward to.

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I took my first intro to energetic healing class today. It was informative. I’m looking forward to the next level. First I have to heal myself though. I do so enjoy being my own guinea pig. I do it all the time already with my digestive health. So now I have a new modality to play with. Truthfully, I knew 80% of what was covered but it felt like I was heading the right way and filling in the gaps I don’t know. Learning a few new tricks of the trade. Honestly it’s not as hippy dippy as some people think. There is scientific evidence to corroborate it’s efficacy. But since I already know it works to me the “data” seems superfluous and unnecessary.

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Anyhowsen. Busy day.

May your heart feel a swell of love with this virtual hug I’m sending your way. Wherever you are in your life and in the world. Smile and be well. β™₯οΈπŸ’‹πŸ₯°. That is my wish for you.

Rainbow Unicorn, Ribbit, Two Daddies

In the sex world a “unicorn” is considered a single woman that wants to play with both parties in a couple with no strings attached. I guess I can see why they are called that. But in my mind a true unicorn is a beautiful boy trans with breasts and long hair. One that when clothed looks just like a pretty girl and when unclothed has a hard dick ready to play with. I think though… and I hate to generalize that most trans men prefer men and/or like to bottom.

So I believe a rainbow unicorn is a trans boi that wants to play with both parties in a relationship. Now that to me is mouthwatering. It’s not in the top 5 but it is on the sexual bucket list.

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Brad blew it with a cute sissy boi I had been talking to and and directed to talk to him. He didn’t let me read the dialogue so I can’t say for sure what happened. What I gleaned is that Brad started taking about double penetrating me and it turned him off. I don’t know that he realizes that the people on Fetlife may be kinky and into what we are seeking but they are still people with their own desires and limits. It’s one thing to throw out a precise add for a play partner and take the best in show and quite another to find a person to incorporate in your life as also a friend.

I’m not sure what his aim is exactly. I haven’t invested any time trying to help him because we aren’t at a place I feel stable enough to want to play with others as well.

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I’ve been told I put too much faith in people. I’ve been told I’m naive. I’ve been told I’m worth more than what I settle for. I am usually pretty self content is the thing. And I also believe people are capable of so much more than they even believe. I’ve never in my life felt I’ve settled, with the exception of my marriage maybe. And even then I was absolutely ok with that decision (at first)…. until the situation became unbearable….and I had to walk away.

I remember reading about a woman who was in a very abusive marriage. She routinely got beat black and blue by her partner. She somehow stuck in there and managed to get herself a higher degree and left him only after she secured an offer for a good job. That is much smarter than I’ve ever been in life. I just leap from lily pad to lily pad trying to catch my moment in the sun. One day soon I hope to end up on a stable rock and just enjoy the rest of the show.

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The 6 year old says to me this morning. “Mama, I don’t think you should marry Brad. I think Brad and daddy should get married. Just like Jude has two daddies”. OMG. I laughed so hard (on the inside). I said “Yep, you’re right sweetie, that’s a great idea. Why don’t you mention it to them?” (Because sometimes I love to just see where things go). And then she says “well…daddy doesn’t seem to want to meet Brad.” These damn kids are so smart. Lol

Ba Humbug

Usually around Christmastime I get into a hyperdrive spending mode. Just doing my civic duty as a consumer πŸ™„….but let’s not kid ourselves… it’s fun. It’s joyful. I truly love giving. This year though because my finances are juxtaposed to that stance I can not indulge. So I’m feeling a bit ba humbug. I think I need to be more inventive. Find ways to give that involve spending no money. I’m creative…..sometimes. I’m resourceful…when I need to be. Well…. this is the time.

I always lament when people use their genius for evil. Here’s my chance to prove the opposite is true as well. Less talk – more action. That’s what’s needed right now. But I have so many projects I need done too. I want to give but I also need to focus on myself and getting things accomplished that have been on the back burner and things that are of more pressing urgency… like asking for clemency from the IRS via 26 pages of tell us what your great aunt ate for lunch last February 29th.

Decisions, decisions. Maybe this once I let myself get into a tiny bit of selfish grinch mode. I say that, but I know I’m kidding myself. I’ve done this before. Said I was not buying anyone gifts and then I scrambled like crazy Christmas Eve buying gifts. I know myself a little better now. I need to preplan this or I’ll have the same such fiasco again. Ok lists. Here we go. Homemade cookies are calling me.

I do so love baking. But much like wine…. baking doesn’t love me it seems. But it still brings me joy even if I can’t eat anything I make anymore. Maybe I’ll make gluten-free, dairy-free baked goods this year. It just can’t compare though and I think people will feel like I’m torturing them and it will go right in the trash. Why does everything seem to be at a crux right now in my life. Porque? No se.

Amor! πŸ’‹β€οΈ

As promised my holiday card photo. This is me in mom mode with my three angels.

Emotional Immaturity

They say in life you can glean how far one will go based on emotional maturity more than IQ. But they also say that genuinely nice people are statistically more likely to not be very wealthy. Which seems more of a chicken/egg dilemma and one I’m not sure I want to believe anyway.

Truthfully, I dislike people that take themselves way too seriously. Of course in business environments, like say a surgeon or accountant or my clientele… then of course, I expect extreme professionalism. Outside of that I prefer to laugh and just “keep it real” in life. But taking yourself seriously and being emotionally mature aren’t the same thing anyway.

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Last night Brad put me in a very awkward situation. I willingly went along with him and can’t really blame him too much because I should have known better as well. But one of us has got to be the adult here. And while usually that is me; that really only works when he listens to me and follows my direction.

So after the incident I was very angered and instead of discussing it he decides throwing a pillow at my face would be a good thing. I get pretty infuriated and ask him if he thought that was funny? Then he says to me “you just took me the wrong way; like ALWAYS” and that stupid little statement turned what could have been a relatively simple discussion and sent it into the red zone.

I am a girl. I communicate. It’s what we do. It’s how issues get resolved. But it involves a bit of emotional maturity to sit and have uncomfortable discussions. I’m just not a sweep it under the rug kind of person. I’m not. I like to head things off and I especially don’t like the same issues coming back over an over again.

We just can not keep having all these arguments. I realize I am a demanding woman. Probably because I just happen to know what I want. But I think that’s a great thing because I am very clear about my desires and expectations. It’s not like I painted over the yellow brick road.

All I’m really trying to do here is help him understand my needs within this relationship and trying to help him navigate me; my moods, my desires, my issues. I recognize I may not always be easy, but sometimes I am and more importantly I know I’m more than worth it. I know what I have to offer and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my love is more than worthy.

I just don’t know how far someone can grow their emotional intelligence at his age and I also don’t know how willing he is to try. But I’m also not sure how much Three Stooges behavior I’m willing to put with. At the same time it’s actually really, super cute to see him interact with my 6 year old. She adores him. Why wouldn’t she though? They’re emotionally about the same age. πŸ™„

Ugghhh.

And here I was saying that I didn’t want this blog to revert to relationship drama. Ho hum.

Honestly I just don’t have the energy to work so hard at this. I need him to pick up the slack here or like he told me himself he’s been able to do with every other woman in his life except me. “If you want to leave I’ll hold open the door”.

Soulless Monsters

I reserve a lot of my anger in life towards certain particular things and corporate greed is very high on that list.

Apple is one of the corporations I used to love. Before they became a phenomenon I was already a fan. I’m talking OG iPod and everything. But now? I’ll be the first to spit on it’s grave should I have the pleasure of seeing its demise. Unfortunately, I doubt I will ever see it. These companies just swallow each other up and grow exponentially and find new ways to control and ruin our lives. I mean improve. Uhu. Yea. That’s what I meant. πŸ™„

I haven’t been able to receive android texts for almost two weeks. Coincidentally right at the exact same time I did an update on my phone. I called Verizon and they said “Well…. we did all we could; your phone is just old”. I googled it and did everything I could on my end. So I gave Apple the benefit of the doubt and bought a slightly newer phone. One that has a headphone jack because I’m old, set in my ways and paranoid. Plus I don’t want to have to buy more accessories.

Everything seemed fine on the new phone until I ran the same stupid update and guess what. I’m sure you have no idea; right? Planned obsolescence, more like planned robbery. In exchange for being connected to the world these corporations want to be connected to your bank roll. They’ll let you know when they are ready to make a withdrawal. Don’t worry.

Didn’t they use to make refrigerators that lasted more than 30 years? They made them so that anyone with basic mechanical aptitude could potentially fix them too. Now? Don’t even open the panel of your own phone because it will void the warranty; as will a plethora of other things. Because you’re suppose to live in a bubble and depend exclusively on them for everything, including how to spend your money more efficiently (for their bottom line, at least).

I really hope it’s a glitch they are aware of and working day and night to fix and that tomorrow morning an update will arrive for this dilemma and I’ll find myself with a back-up phone instead of the two overpriced paperweights I find myself with now. But alas I harbor no hope.

Greed knows no bounds. And the faceless, soulless, government subsidized corporate free-for-all we have now is pungent of all the worst qualities of humanity and human existence. I find myself feeling very “Fight Club” right now. I usually say “find the positive, focus on the silver lining, find the joy”. That is my mantra. But not today. Today I have only two words.

Fuck Apple!!

Abundance / giving himself to me / enjoying the ride.

I was in my studio folding laundry and I was thinking and praying for abundance in my life. Financial abundance that it and not even a minute later I found $30 in the laundry I was folding. I laughed and smiled. I had been thinking bigger but the point seemed made.

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Brad stayed over for a bit last night after the girls went to bed. We laid in my bed talking and playing. At one point I was kneeling between his legs and I grabbed a ball in each hand and pulled hard; suspending the weight of my upper torso with them arching myself back as far as I could go. His reactions (especially while trying to not make any noise) were superb. But then he gave himself to me and I flew into deep ecstasy.

He went up on his elbows and through the pain he pushed his groin out towards me so I could suspend myself further back. He looked so beautiful laying beneath me. He opened up to me in a way that was just so real and raw and loving.

I don’t love sadism for the sake of loving sadism. I don’t love it for the sake of inflicting pain. I don’t love it as some form of torture and revenge. I simply, truly, deeply love it when someone gives themselves to me completely and gets lost into that moment. When there is an almost rhythmic ebb and flow of giving and receiving.

When the pain melds into exquisite pleasure and then back again and again as it becomes a yielding to all the senses. When there is a letting go of all desires and thoughts except to please and to be connected to the attention being given. To let oneself go completely into the sensation of it all without any fear or cares or wavering whatsoever; just a beautiful and pure melding of deep desire and true surrender.

Heaven. Magic. It’s unexplainable how powerful of a thing that is and how fucking amazing it feels. There’s making love and there is this. Not the same and yet both completely breathtaking.

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You know in life I’ve realized that we don’t get to know all the moving parts of our lives. Truthfully we barely know a small percentage of ourselves. So how are we to know the dynamics of everything and everyone else. There is always so much more going on around us than we are ever really aware of.

This is why I like to rely on my gut instincts so much. Because looks are sometimes deceiving. Words don’t always mean much. And I’ve learned the hard way as well; from not following my instincts that the vast majority of the time they are right.

As I see it, we can’t control much in life outside of ourselves and even then that’s not always very possible. Sooooo. Why hold on so tight? What is there to always have to feel so in control of? Life is in constant, never-ending flux. And as we all know, nothing is ever truly guaranteed. Moments are soo very fleeting. There is just no reason to hold on too tight to anything really. Just enjoy the ride!