Unapologetic

That’s my word of the day. So often I see people that go around feeling like just existing needs an apology. Sorry is every other word out of their mouth. This isn’t to say we can’t all use some self-awareness, compassion and self-improvement. But we need to extend that love to ourselves first….and then make adjustments accordingly, if wanted and necessary.

My youngest has this new thing where she says she is fat. She has a tiny pooch of a tummy and cute big cheeks. She suffers from constipation and has added baby fat still left. All I tell her is “you are perfect just the way you are”. She, of course, doesn’t believe me. At 6 she already believes she has a physical standard to achieve that needs to be met. It absolutely enrages me. It makes me want to take her iPad away, but she would see that as punishment.

I wish I could impart to her the wisdom of being unapologetic. God created you. Maybe you could be a better version of this master plan but currently you are here, so effectively it’s who you were meant to be. Like this. Here. Presently! So own it, enjoy it and let’s move on.

Now let’s be real here.

Yes……

I like everyone else walking this planet hates assholes. Selfish, idiots that populate the earth with this “me, mine only” mentality. But even then when it’s done transparently, when they own it, when it’s all out in the open at least I can respect that they are owning their shit and being honest about it.

Eventually everyone pays their dues. Funny how while Karma does exist in this life some are left to be collected from at the very end. And it’s hard to understand the full consequences of that when it’s something you don’t see, fully comprehend or even believe. This is why all I can do is laugh and wish people that blatantly rob, hurt, spew venom into the world that they figure it out and rectify before their end comes.

I guess that’s the only benefit to having seen hell. It’s something you truly don’t wish on anyone, but secretly over the years I’m more and more glad is there. I’m thinking maybe because it takes any thoughts of needing to pass judgement and police the world out of my hands. But then again maybe this speaks more to the corruption of my own heart than theirs.

Oh well…I don’t care. I’m learning and trying and doing the best I can here.

I will remain unapologetic.

πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒˆπŸ’–πŸ₯°πŸ€ͺ

Madness

I don’t expect the world to think as I do. I don’t expect people to behave as I do. I don’t expect to understand the madness that is living.

But I wish I could expect authenticity. Truth. Realness. Transparency.

It almost as if the truth were malleable. It’s almost as if the truth were irrelevant. It’s almost as if it isn’ convenient. Like it’s become a burden.

Within deception lies the underpinnings of all of the worlds atrocities.

I’d rather lay it all bare to see. All of it. Let the sun shine on it all. Bring it all out to see. Let’s lay claim to the truth and learn to live with it. Shan’t we?

There is no price not worth paying for true freedom.

Oh mama!!!

Well. Let’s say I don’t usually like to waste a hard dick, at least not of my boyfriend/partner/lover. Brad and I had sex this morning before he drove me home. It was nice. He came all over my tits and then I sucked the cum off his hands after he spread it all over me and I licked his penis clean. It was so fucking hot and yummy. Then because I hadn’t orgasmed yet he asks me where my new toy is.

I delightedly bring it out and oh Lord. When I win the lottery I’m going to have a massive supply of these in my garage and pass them out like candy at Halloween to every woman I know. Because orgasms this good can probably clear your neighbors sinuses. Lol

It was the absolute most intense, most build up, most amazingly awesome orgasm I’ve ever had and I’ve had hundreds upon hundreds of them. It wasn’t squirting, but I just can’t even see how that would be better. It will have to be tested of course. But……..he was fingering my g-spot and I was using my new Lelo and just the thought of it now makes me swoon a bit.

Yes!!! It was THAT GOOD.

If you own a vagina and like toys I beseech you to invest in one. If you love someone with a vagina and it seems a gift you would be able to give and it not be awkward….do it.

Do it now!!!

This company should endorse me. I’m about to go on a speaking tour to tout it’s gloriousness. Lol. Ok. No. Who has that kind of time? Brad said “that toy stays here” and I laughed. I said “that toy will never be more than 10 feet from me for the rest of my life”. Don’t worry. This doesn’t displace men. Let’s be serious, but boy do I see this adding to the quality of my life.

Yee-haw!!!

(And yes. I secretly want to be a cowgirl. I want to be lots of things. I find lots of things so great. I doubt that will happen but I do enjoy the vernacular. Hope no one minds.)

πŸ’–πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸ½πŸŒˆπŸ₯°

Autism and psychosis

I’m fascinated by recent studies proving that changing the microbiome can improve both of the above. Absolutely fascinated. I started this journey more than 12 years ago. I had an autistic neighbor and his kick-ass mom to thank. That was my first introduction not to food allergens but to gut dysbiosis. When she started manipulating her sons diet and took out peanut butter even though it’s a traditional kids staple and he had no allergen to it it absolutely shocked my other neighbor and I.

Ever patient with me even though I don’t think she particularly liked me; she explained that he seemed to be improving and tried to explain it in words that at the time simply didn’t exist and weren’t in the common vernacular and I of course knowing how mother’s think and how much it was about trying to make him “better”; I simply couldn’t fault her really. Even though I didn’t understand it then at all.

——

All the way full circle to now. What a whirlwind of a time it has been.

——

Brad and I are taking a few days sabbatical. Lol

I barely remember why we even argued last night. I just remember him raging and me being scared. It brought me back to my childhood and cowering in fear of being beaten, of harsh arguments and traumatic memories. I couldn’t self soothe enough and I ended up with severe liver pain. Stupid barometer. Ugghhhh. It’s a blessing. I know it’s a blessing. I have this organism that starts to hurt if I am too stressed, have forgotten to eat or drink for too long, consume too much alcohol or other toxins.

This is my body saying “hey chic, do something for us”. It’s my bodies way of communicating with me. I should feel lucky. As long as this works like this and I stop and pay attention and do what is needed I can reset myself. Back to 0, neutral, homeostasis, whatever you want to call it.

I told Brad he could come to mow my lawn Wednesday and take me to breakfast. I’m so sweet. 😝

Wishing you a blessed Sunday. I have 3 clients and I’ve missed my kids, my house, my routine. My own little tiny oasis.

But I have to remember, wherever I go, there I am. Lol

Enjoy your day. 🌈πŸ₯°πŸ’–πŸ™πŸ½πŸ™‚πŸ˜‰

Diligent Servitude

Maybe he was joking. I’m sure that’s what he will say tomorrow if we even talk of it at all.

It come up rather innocuously, I thought. He wanted me to play with his genitalia. I told him “that really isn’t my thing”, which maybe seems odd because I like dick everywhere else; mouth, ass, whatever, but not so much my hands. Sometimes when I want to touch everywhere or maybe when I am aching to feel and see hardness for me. But the rest of the time no, even if it does end up in my mouth or wherever. Te he he

So anyway….he says to me something like “it isn’t about you, it’s about giving pleasure to another” and I said to him “nope, if I’m not happy, how can I make you happy?” and he comes back and says to me “with dilligent servitude” or something like that. Disciplined maybe, God whatever it was I was like dude, “no, I counter that”, to which he said there was no counter. I then said I veto that, to which there was no veto. I guess I should have said then I’m not playing, but…….anyway.

It’s a bit funny, I think and it wasn’t what actually started the fight that brought in the anxiety attack. Not everything in relationships is in singular lines.

——-

If I can find the path back to myself it all seems worth it, but I guess it does matter what road you take. You want to take not the one of least resistance, but the one that most aligns with your happiness, your soul’s journey and your heart. What do you believe your soul journey to be?

What do I believe indeed?

———

Dearest guardian angels, help me to embrace life. Surround me with your love and light, brilliant multi-color rainbows. Guide and protect me and lead me towards the light, both during and after life.*

Today Brad’s daughter and I bonded, probably a bit much over Brad. But she and I get him on a level he doesn’t get himself so it’s like our brotherhood. Lol. Except maybe he shouldn’t be ear shot to it. Note for next time. This has been a lot to process. I am on major sensory overload. This all brought back way too many memories of self soothing as a child. I remember doing child’s pose until at least 6. Maybe longer. Crying and shaking hysterically in bed. I know typically one would feel bad for oneself in this situation, but somehow I always end up feeling bad for my mother.

———

*I should have no need to explain myself and somehow I still feel like I do. Most of this is just normal human behavior but……………. sometimes, a lot in life I’ve felt like the alien, the odd one out and I know that isn’t right. I know we all have our own singular times around the earth. I know we all have lessons to learn and experiences to go through. I’m just lately of the mind that………I’m so over worrying about every God damn thing and I’m just gonna strive to be me.

I’m not making any assumptions. I think narcissist are actually more of sado-masochists and masochists combined. They not only don’t mind making you miserable they don’t mind that their own life is miserable as well. They can pretend pretty damn well and even fool themselves really. That’s the real difficulty of narcissism. The lies people aren’t even always aware they are telling themselves.

I know I’m just as capable as anyone else. I think in that vulnerability comes truth. We are all so mortally, stupidly unself-aware sometimes. It adds to part of the sadness and beauty of this life.

I want to be less unself. Lol

Here Are 15 Great Posts From Tumblr This Week That’ll Distract You For 5 Minutes

I miss tumblr being hyper-sexual. I’m not sure what all the stupid laws and censorship are for. From what I understand getting on the dark web is very easy. Plus even on the “regular” internet you can see videos of people dying and brutal violence. We spend so much time policing each other and the world. I really don’t get it. But anyway. Here is a BuzzFeed thread I read and just didn’t want to end.

I love to go on BuzzFeed when I need a cheer me up or laugh. Whenever I have ten minutes to spare and want some mirth in my life I go there. Enjoy!

https://www.buzzfeed.com/katangus/weekly-tumblr-april-8-2019?utm_term=.kvv06GPODD#.kvv06GPODD