The plan progresses one moment at a time

I was talking to my mom last night. Asking her opinion, not because I intend on following it but because she usually gives me her detailed reasoning and I find that it helps me affirm my own desires and opinion better.

I presented her with 3 options:

1) Buy this gorgeous ring I saw on clearance last week. Not being a very materialistic person I can’t tell you how drawn I am to this thing. I can not stop thinking about it. It spoke to me in languages I still don’t even recognize and claimed itself to be mine. But it will be the most expensive piece of jewelry I’ve ever owned. Only surpassed by the wedding ring I will never wear again. Which I still don’t know what to do with.

2) Go to Ohio. I was on the computer looking at flights and stuff and my nosy kids were asking what I was doing so I told them everything. I expected cynicism but I guess they know me better than I do. They encouraged me to go and the little one insists she wants to go with me now. Interestingly she’s the one that when I was showing them some Pranic Healing techniques I had just learned picked up on them very easily and showed great natural talent.

3) Join the more involved webinar series Sarah is putting together, at a hefty price. Which I’m seriously considering. The thing I like about her modality is that it is pragmatic. It isn’t just “dream and it will become real”. It’s “let’s define the dream, look for barriers, plot out a course and then start taking steps towards it”. Which is much more my speed. I’m deeply into intention and manifestation, but I also like to put words and ideas into action.

These all run about the same cost, give or take a bit. I can not possibly do all three. I mean….. it’s a true luxury to just do one right now. So I have to choose.

My mother’s opinion was to ditch the ring, put Ohio on the back burner until money comes through for that and go for the webinar.

She was mildly amused when I told her my 5 year plan, not discouraging, but just didn’t have much to say about it outside of not believing that I (or anyone) could truly make a living as a spiritual guide.

But she’s not in that realm, so I get her lack of awareness. She is right though, in that it isn’t an easy endeavor necessarily but most things in life worth achieving and striving for aren’t all that easy. Are they?

Following this spiritual path hasn’t actually been all that hard. I have been going with the flow between which opportunities were presented and what I felt I could do and wanted to learn more about. It’s been a phenomenal ride so far and it’s just beginning really.

I think I knew what I wanted all along, but I didn’t know how much I wanted it until Sarah made me write it down and commit to it. I really just never gave it credence because it seemed so impossible. And then when I was made to really sit and think about it I was like hold on, yes, I really do want that. And it reaffirmed my own commitment to myself, and to my own happiness.

Who knows what lies ahead? I’m starting to really enjoy this one day at a time thing, just going with the flow of the moment. I still have to learn to let go of my notions of what should be, more. I have to learn to trust in the path set before me, even if I can’t see that far ahead of me and don’t have a map for it. Even if I myself have no idea what will be. I have to learn to enjoy the ride, this ride, my ride in all it’s messy glory.

My mom did ask me something interesting though. She said “why can’t you start doing spiritual guidance now if that’s what you want to do?”. I had to explain that my life, my personal life, is not at a place where I feel comfortable trying to lead people. I feel I would be a huge hypocrite.

My life has some very serious difficulties and some people in it that cause me extreme chaos and pain. And while being spiritual and my connection to Divinity is probably the most profound thing that helps keep me sane and happy, it still feels wrong to try to lead now. Plus I still have a lot I want to learn and see and understand for myself.

But I guess it’s good to have goals. It’s good to have your very own mount Everest to try to achieve. It’s something and it’s more clarity than I’ve had in a while, truthfully. So….I’ll take it. Gratefully ❣️ and see what comes next.


More days of doing nothing

I think I see why some retiree’s get depressed. It’s one thing to retire comfortably and healthy and be able to do almost anything your heart desires; travel, hobbies, family, etc.

Quite another to be limited by health and/or finances to doing not much of anything, all day long.

Gotta get creative. I wish I didn’t have my crafts in storage. I always said I wanted to learn to knit and now is the perfect time for something like that but I’m not going out to buy stuff now. I’m staying put right here inside. Books, puzzles, movies, I can not be this unimaginative. Can I?

I’ve been thinking of podcasting or YouTubeing. Maybe I’ll draft up something interesting to talk about. Maybe talk about the chief. Maybe talk about health. Maybe do a post about enemas. Maybe a post about spirituality. Sky is the limit I guess.

Not sure what I expect to come out of that, but we will see. It’s always fun to try new things and see what comes of it.

Anyone have anything fun or interesting you’ve been doing during this time?


At it’s core (life)

Not cool.

My blog disappeared; my blog on energy. I’ll try to write it again but that was so not nice. Why? To protect or to oppress. Not in trash. Not in drafts. Just poof disappeared just as I hit publish. Never happened before. I really liked it. It tied energy into matter into life and humanity and our place in it together. It was really soulful I thought. I put heart and thought into it.

You know…… whatever…..things happen but you know what…….

I’d rather die being who I really am in the world than die a coward and not by my ideals and beliefs. You have to stand for something. Although yes, I’m a pacifist, that is true. Because I just feel there is enough fighting in the world without me contributing more. There is enough difficulties and distress without me adding to the chaos. That will just never be me. At least that is my attempt. But I also like to think and hope life helps me play a good defense at chess; and with thankfully a community of some kind souls to enjoy moments/times in life with.


No box

How can I think inside the box when I can’t see a box?

All I see are these imaginary boundaries we put around ourselves and others.

They are shaped by who we think we are.

They encompass what we believe.

They attempt to define us

The universe we believe in

And who we see ourselves and all else as being within these contexts

But these boundaries

These imaginary walls

Are different for everyone

Even within well defined groups

They are ever so unique

So sure, put all the boundary type boxes together into their imaginary spot on some sort of graph and maybe the entire thing could be construed as a very abstract shape. But I doubt a box like shape at all. Maybe a quadrillion sided shape of some sort.

With all sides made up of thin wisps of air that create a small ripple right at the edge.

So imperceptible how could you call it any shape at all really?


That’s the supposed box? I guess if so I fit in there. Just like every single other all of us does.

After all, even in the context of said “box”, we are all stuck in this together. Why we can’t learn to use that as a positive is besides me. Use our differences as a force to help us survive as a race of people; on our beautiful planet with all of our however many different and unique individuals.

That’s how I see it.

So recap

Is there really a box to begin with?

That’s that

I have a headache.

I looked into flights to Toledo. There are seats available this weekend, but no direct flights. Then I looked at Airbnb’s in Winameg. There are some right outside town that seem nice and are affordable. But I was hitting a wall with car rental. So I messaged someone on Turo (person to person car renting app) and left it up to fate. If the car comes through I’ll go and if it doesn’t I won’t.

Well. It didn’t.

Which honestly is perfectly fine with me. A dead indian chief wants me to visit ancient burial grounds far away from my house with no sense for why exactly, when I hate flying and I’m not trying to blow through my meager savings. I’m willing to go. Don’t get me wrong. But I need A) much more clarity about what I’m supposed to be doing there. I mean I’m happy to visit, bless and pray over the sights but that can’t be all, I’m thinking. And B) I’m hoping for the chief to find me a sponsorship.


The air quality is so bad right now. I’m pretty sure that’s why my head hurts. A neighbor lent me her air purifier, we connected through the Nextdoor app. Although I had already met her and spoken with her at my garage sale a few years back. She was very sweet and memorable. And it is the nicest thing for her to go out of her way to drop it off to me.

But as soon as I plugged it in it started emitting this florally air freshener type scent. And my sensitivity to smell is so high that I can’t take it. I can’t handle almost any smells, although natural body smells and food are generally fine. Some real flowers are ok, if not too powerful. But I can’t even be in the same (small) room as lilly’s.

Allergies, asthma, being an ex-smoker, and high sensitivity, all leads to being very reactivate to my environment. It sucks. Really it does.

But I remember being this way as a kid even. My mom would turn on the heat in the car and it would get so stifling in the car I had to put my mouth near the window crack to try to breath. She would think I was overreacting but I genuinely could not take it. I would feel like I was gasping for air and not getting any. It was the worst feeling. I can still remember it vividly.

So. It’s fine. Gotta find this situations window crack.

Supposedly we are going to get some westwardly winds in a few days and that will blow the smoke out and the fires back into themselves.

Interestingly, there were two police scanner situations today I caught wind of involving arson. First, two men with out of state license plates were trying to set off fireworks into a wooded area nearby. And another out of state vehicle was seen throwing molatov cocktails out the window onto the freeway which runs by my house.

I shouldn’t even be saying this. I’m not 100% sure it’s true and Oregonians already don’t like out of staters. Not even gonna start talking about the people that live here more than 5 years and start to consider themselves Oregonian. Lol

But still…..

Strange times we are living in. Strange times indeed.



So all these things are converging.

The air quality is very, very bad here right now. Jan told me that there were some local fires here in town that were started by arson and she left to a friend’s house with better HEPA filters for her asthma. I can’t blame her. It is smokey even inside the house right now.

So I was thinking of trying to take the girls away for the weekend to somewhere with better air quality. It looks like we would have to go on the other side of the mountain range. Travelling east and a little south of here. Looks like a town called Burns has good air quality right now but it also looks like it’s just a little gas station town in the middle of nowhere. Definitely no Airbnb’s there.

My liver is acting up a tiny bit, although I’m not in as much pain as I had been. I wonder if it’s the stress from the pain, the air quality or a combination of both that’s aggravated my liver some.

Then those visions from the chief keep telling me I need to get to the burial grounds. The feeling of needing to go is getting more and more intense. Although I don’t have any logical explanation for why I need to be there or what I’m meant to do. I just know I need to go. It’s not unsettling as much as it is very curious.

So the question comes in. Would it be completely irresponsible to take the girls to Ohio for the weekend? For starters traveling last minute is expensive, let alone flights for 4 people. Then traveling in the middle of a pandemic. My finances aren’t in a spot to absorb such a cost easily. It will burn through a lot of my emergency funds.

And I have some roof shingles that seem to be falling apart. I really should look into that before rain season sets in. That’s an expense I am not sure I can even cover. I’ll have to look at my home warranty and insurance information. I don’t even know where to begin to tackle that issue. Which seems more tangible and logical than the whole Ohio thing.

But that doesn’t answer the where to go or what to do this weekend issue. Buy an indoor air filter I suppose. But they are all sold out. The soonest I can get one through Amazon is Sunday. And none seem available locally. Like none, zero. I’ve checked everywhere.

Right now I have the humidifier blowing air with a tiny bit of H2O2 to add a small amount of oxygen into the air. It helps but an air purifier would be ideal.

Realistically, my budget is saying the best option is the Amazon Sunday delivery and wait it out.

This year just gets curiouser and curiouser. Doesn’t it?



Gotta use the pain to your advantage

We have to use the things that distress us in life to grow and heal, ourselves and/or the world.

We have to use our adversities and adversaries to our advantage as much as we can. No?

What’s the alternative?

Duel to the death?

Be bitter and hate parts of your reality to the point it causes pain, anger, distress, madness?

We have one life here……ONE.

I am trying to make the absolute fucking most I can of mine.

I guess we all pick our own battles. I lived half alive for a lot of years. Numb by the pain of it all. Then I lived a few years in sadness and some more in anger. None of them made me happy. None of them gave me peace.

And I have learned to use the pain to inspire me to be better than it, to not let it get me down, to learn from it what I can, if I can, and try to use it as a stepping stone up in life.

I mean really. It sounds like work. I ain’t gonna lie. But what else is there? Roll over and die? Violence? Hidden rage?


To each their own I suppose.

5 year plan*

I wake up at dawn happy for a new day, well rested and completely at peace with life.

I walk outside the sliding glass doors of my bedroom onto the terrace. A hot cup of tea awaits me. I sit in my cozy lounge chair and watch the sun rise. I journal a little. I bless the day and say a prayer of gratitude and hope for this world and this universe.

I meander back inside and make the girls their lunches. After I wake them I start making breakfast. Tia drives Lexi to school on the way to hers.

I make my way to my yoga/meditation studio and do some yoga and light meditation. Afterwards, I go to the stables and take out my beautiful horse. Our rancher handles all the animals except for this treasure. I take care of it all myself. We go for a long jaunt along the coast, going so far that we lose sight of the house. Then we both rest, have a fresh fruit snack and head back full throttle. Unleashing its passion we ride rymymically, both happy and feeling completely carefree.

Once back I shower leisurely, speak to my assistant and make a few business calls. I’ve been asked to speak at the UN about global peace through spirituality and mindfulness. And I’ve been invited to be a keynote speaker at the most premier holistic worldwide conference. I’ve also been invited to Suriname, Malta and Thailand for all expense vacations hosted by their presidents.

I’ve been traveling the globe a lot this year trying to expand our view of the world. It’s been truly wonderful seeing its beauty, its people and its most spiritual spots. It’s just been so amazing.

The girls come home from school and our chef makes us dinner from our organic garden. We mostly eat vegetarian. I usually opt for vegan, sometimes we eat meat from our own animals on the farm but not too often. The chef also prepares my lunch for the next day and dessert for everyone.

After dinner the girls do their homework and we finish building the puzzle we’ve been working on. We go out to feed the animals our leftovers and pet them. The girls are very fond of all our animals, especially the goats. The chef makes some great cheeses, yogurts, butter, ice cream and such with the milk.

We live a very peaceful life. The girls are very happy and healthy. Gigi comes home whenever she can from grad school. She is engaged to a wonderful young man.

I have a love like no other, that gives me all the space I need, but is there for me when I need them and I am there in kind, with my entire heart. It is the greatest love I’ve ever imagined, better than all the love I’ve ever dreamt of. The embodiment of unconditional love and service to God and each other.

I pretty much do as I please, when I please, how I please but more importantly as I’m led to do so by Spirit. My partner listens and supports me, is my sounding board of quiet strength or lively discourse, of dancing until 2am or making love all morning long, of skinny dipping and silliness. We have genuine vulnerability and complete, honest openness with each other. It is satisfying beyond all measure.

But this night I have my group of 10 plus my love. We all get together to laugh, cry, pray, sing, share, and be there for each other as soul brothers and sisters. We are finalizing the plans for our camping trip that weekend to do shrooms, watch the meteor shower and celebrate and pray to the equinox.

I have advanced so much spiritually. I can astral project and talk to other dimensional beings, move objects, heal, and all by will and intention alone, and of course prayer and asking of Divinity (not that this needs to be said). But I use everything very sparingly and only when necessary.

I don’t want to grow dependant on these things and I also want to just live my human life out as simply as possible. I am completely at peace with my life and it is at peace with me.

I see a growing surge to nature, compassion, global thinking, and mindfulness in the world. I am completely, genuinely myself without any doubt at all and happy beyond any measurable amount possible.

I live in complete Nirvana and bring that each day to share, create and be with the world. πŸ™πŸ½



*I just kept editing this all night. Sarah said to dream big (and then multiply it and sprinkle jumbo sauce all over it….. my words not hers, her drift though. Lol)

Still in pain

But I had a pretty good day. Had to drive to a clients unexpectedly, but I made $150. So I can’t complain.

My neighbor Jan, who took me to the Daime, did a healing on me today. In telltale fashion her hands were very warm. I was so relaxed I snored, while awake, which has never happened. I have been told I snore lightly sometimes but I didn’t want to believe it until I heard myself today. I can’t remember the last time I was so relaxed; not after yoga, not even after sex.

Towards the end she was working on my legs and I saw a vision of a dark entity. It stood before me in a black robe, arms outstretched with a halo around its head. Only this halo looked like a dark rainbow. I wasn’t afraid. I simply had no context for why it was there. Interestingly, as soon as it appeared the crows outside started cawing up a storm. But then Jan started wiping the energy from my body and I could feel the being fade away and the crows became quiet again.

Then I watched the Sarah Centrella webinar. I spoke briefly before her at a chamber event a few years ago. I spoke from the heart and felt like I connected to the audience. I actually really do love public speaking. But as soon as I was done I reverted into my shell. Still… one of the attendants stopped me and told me she got more from my speech and enjoyed it more than Sarah’s. Which made my day.

Still though, she has a lot of good information and she is very inspiring as far as manifestation and vision boards and living out your dreams. I quite enjoyed the webinar. Not enough to sway me to enjoy the format itself but I did like the presentation.

She gave us homework. We are to visualize ourselves in the future; five years from now. We are to visualize what a day living our most perfect life would look like. Sky is the limit; as outlandish as we want it to be. How does it feel? What am I doing? Who am I with? Where am I? All the details in full, every nuance of the day.

I like it. It feels very empowering.

So. That’s it. I’m still in pain but I feel good inside. I’ll thankfully accept all the wins I can get.

May you have your own wins today.


Thanks to whoever it is

Whoever it is that looks back on my blog entries and reminds me of things I’ve said that can help me in my current days journey; I want to say thank you to you.

I sometimes forget the things I say. I forget the fun times I’ve had. I forget how liberating life can be, if I let myself just enjoy it and be fully present to it all.

It’s like having my very own blog angel. It means a lot to me, whoever you are, even if you aren’t doing it purposefully. (

There are real angels, of course. But I think we forget how we can all do little things in this life for each other that can be so very, deeply meaningful and impacting.

I try not to take anything for granted. I appreciate so much the people in my life who have helped and saved me in so many ways, from strangers and neighbors, to friends and past lovers.

I am sometimes so amazed. I feel so overwhelmingly blessed. And while my life has its many difficulties, I know I’m not alone and I want to thank each and every one of you that reads my blog.

It brightens my day to see the stats go up. It intrigues me to see the blogs that people enjoy re-reading (mostly my XXX stuff but still). It’s an enjoyable part of my day; this blog and these interactions with you all.

So thank you❣️