Elf on a Shelf

The tot has been going on and on about how excited she is for her Elf on a Shelf this year. I can’t explain why, but I’ll chop it up to childhood innocence and frivolity. Suppose it’s something to mark the time, something to look forward to every day, finding Buddy.

Our space is really tiny though, so we will all have to be extra creative this year. Generally I leave it up to the two older kidlets to move him around every night. They are very responsible and seem to get quite the kick out of it some nights.

We usually try to buy our tree this Thanksgiving weekend but I’m not sure where to go. We need a small tree this year, probably a table top tree would make the most sense, so maybe 4 feet tops. A far cry from the ceiling hitting trees we have gotten the last few years.

I’m not sure what to do about Christmas in general, this year. Right now it all hinges on my father, and if he sends money like he usually does. I’m in full save mode; except for food. And the girls need very little, maybe a new video game, some new clothes for the season and their growth spurts and a few new board games we could all enjoy.

But they are used to Santa bringing each one a special gift and I’m not sure that will be possible this year, unless my dad sends money. At this point I’d be really happy with one nice gift for each and a few small necessities. But it definitely won’t be like in years past.

For one their father used to pay half of Santa’s gift and then I had Brad buying more gifts than they ever could want or use, filling the tree with an absurd amount of gifts really. Neither of those are true this year, which is fine.

I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to figure out how to spin this into a good thing. This is the year of making due and sacrifices. Which is fine, but it’s not very Christmassy sounding.

I can’t waiver though.

I have to make plans for the worst case scenario…..and that’s having to move next year.

And if I have to move my colonic equipment interstate it’s going to be an expensive endeavor. Still better and cheaper than replacing it, but ugghhhhhh.

Well. That’s not a thought for today.

Maybe we’ll find a you cut tree farm nearby for this weekend. A 4′ tree can’t be that expensive. Right? πŸ€”


Day of Thanks!

This, here, today, Thanksgiving, is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love the sentiment of this day. And yes….good food is great and family is nice, but that’s not what it’s about to me.

One of the best and most memorable Thanksgivings I actually spent alone and fasted all day.

Another memorable Thanksgiving was dishing up food for seniors. Everyone was so lovely and in such a festive mood, and the seniors seemed so happy to have us there. Even the coordinators and fellow volunteers were very sweet and we all had heartfelt reasons to be there. That was a really great day.

Since going gluten and dairy free holidays aren’t really about the food anymore anyways. Mainly because it’s hard to replicate traditional childhood recipes and inevitably some dishes don’t quite hit the mark. Like I’ve never been able to make really great mashed potatoes without real butter. They just aren’t quite the same.

But I am not worrying about that this year. I am veto’ing my normal diet today with the idea that I’m going to start a veggie and fruit flush next week anyway. This is of course is just my justification. Let’s see if I actually do it. Lol

It’s been a weird and crazy year, right? But I am feeling no less grateful than any other year and like always, happy to be alive, happy to be here, hopeful to see what future Thanksgivings bring. Granted, it’s just another day but I do love holidays and especially the feeling of being truly grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving ❣️


Passive observer

I have always known myself as an introvert. But that is not to say I can’t or don’t want to be social, because I can and I do.

It just makes me feel better to tell myself that I don’t always have to participate. It takes a lot of pressure off to know that I can just be an observer in this life. And then inevitably necessities or my own desires tell me when is a good time to jump in and do something.

But this gives me permission to relax. This gives me permission to not react to things out of sheer force of habit or supposed expectations. I can sit with it. I can sit with life a bit and figure out what I want to do, say, feel, share for myself.

The only unfortunate thing is sometimes it takes me a while to process and make a decision. So sometimes things pass me by because I didn’t decide in time or I didn’t see an option and things got decided for me.

I’ve learned to live with these consequences because the majority of the time it benefits me to stay quiet and watch, try to understand everything first, clarify things for myself before I jump into something.

But then sometimes it makes me feel like I’m not a participant in my own life; as if I leave too much to fate. I wonder why I can’t be one of those people that grab life by the horns and says “bend to my will”.

Maybe it’s time I turn the script. Make life my bitch, take full control, chart the course and go balls to the wall, full throttle straight for what I want.

What do I want?

Do I even know?

I feel I can’t do anything right now with my housing situation looming over my head.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t decide who I want to be.

Do I want to be an interpreter?

Build up the consignment business?

Do I want to go back into colon hydrotherapy?

Do I want to be a spiritual counselor?

Do I want to be a dominatrix? (Not necessarily professionally, more on a personal level)

Like I get that right now I’m in a holding pattern just going day by day, but I could and should be asking myself where I want to be so I can know what to focus my limited time and energy on. Makes sense right?

Then I suppose as life comes at me I redirect as needed, but it’s good for me to choose for myself what I really, truly want to do.

Food for thought.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland in so many ways, but to quote her “I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it.”😐

Under her control (xxx) fiction femdom – Part 1

She tapped her nails on the desk. She just had her manicure that morning; buffed and rounded, never cut and polished. They shined brightly and felt strong against the wood grain, making a pleasantly sharp tone as she rhythmically kept on.

He was 2 minutes late. Her assistant was only going to be at lunch another 30 minutes more, which made for bad timing. She should have scheduled him after work, not during. But she was antsy. She had masturbated several times that week, but hadn’t had anyone to play with.

She hadn’t planned this little escapade until after she got to the office today, when the thought of Lonny’s sweet breath entered her mind. She had met him at a play party when he approached her seeking guidance.

Lonny had the appearance and demeanor of an off duty firefighter: serious, but approachable and fit. He was not a typical sub in many ways. But in some ways he was very much a submissive: hyper-intelligent, sweet, quietly charming and above all doting.

But they all behaved that way at first. She had to decipher if he just wanted to play his fetishes out with her or if he was serious about the lifestyle and being under her control.

They had been on several outings together. The one at The Dungeon BDSM sex club where she played and tortured him publicly had left her very impressed.

But bringing him to her work was a rookie mistake. It was too soon. She was letting her libido call this shot and she knew it. But she needed this today.

There were many things she wanted and needed in life; but a man was definitely very high on the list. Except it had to be her way, under her control and with absolutely no restrictions. And boy did she like it that way.

Othelia hadn’t yet given him a taste of her or even a glance at her body besides the one long kiss she had given him as a present after The Dungeon. That kiss was so pure, so giving, so enveloping and sweet. She was excited to see him.

She was also glad she had unknowingly picked just the right outfit for what she had in mind today. A crisp, red, button down, fitted blouse, a black A line skirt, black garter belt holding up black stockings matching her black thong and push-up brassier. Capping it off with her black, patten leather, come fuck me if you dare, red bottom, stiletto heels.

She had texted Lonny after her morning coffee asking if he was game to try his hand at making her cum that afternoon. She was happy when his quick reply was a simple “please, yes, my Queen”.

She texted him the address, the time and clear instructions; such as the best parking spots, and directions to her office. But now he was 3 minutes late.

She unbuttoned one of the black buttons on her blood red colored top, showing the smallest sliver of her black lingerie. She leaned back in her chair, hiked up her skirt to show her garter belt and beautiful legs and put her feet up on the table in a very commandeering yet controlled and calm demeanor. She had a devilishly cute smile on her face.

Lonny raced in, huffing and puffing. “Ok, please don’t laugh at me, but I did some research to pick out exactly how I’d get here and figured out a parking spot that based on geography I thought would be better, but somehow it ended up being farther than I realized. And where I was trying to seem like I was going above and beyond I ended up looking like a fool because I should have just done what you told me to do”

She had to pinch the palm of her hand to stop herself from laughing. It was so damn cute. But she couldn’t let him off. It would set a bad precedent. They didn’t have the rules cemented enough to allow for silly mistakes yet. She fretted for a second, but kept her poker face. This was making Lonny sweat profusely and stutter to think of what else to say.

“Well” Othelia calmly and slowly answered in a very stern voice. “I think you’ve learned your lesson here. You don’t know me well enough yet to know when and where to go above and beyond and when to listen and do exactly what I told you to do.”

He stared at her blankly. She felt for him a little. But also wanted to laugh still. She squinted her left eye, which he would learn is her “tell” that something is afoot.

“You know why you’re here, my secretary comes back in 25 minutes. I was going to let you leave before he got back but now I will not. You will do exactly what I tell you to do and if that doesn’t work for you, there is the door and you’re welcome see yourself out. Do we understand each other?”

“Yes Mistress” Lonny still stuttered a bit.

She had to work on that Mistress word. She never liked that term used for Dommes or female dominatrix. It reminded her too much of infidelity. She preferred Goddess, Queen, Master. But she was waiting for the right time to change that and hadn’t settled on it yet. Oh these little decisions. She relished then all dearly.

She so loved being a Domme, except she liked the whole lifestyle not just sexually. She enjoyed having a FLR (female led relationship).

Othelia firmly believed that’s the problem with most relationship. There isn’t a defined and both agreed upon description of the separation of powers. Every relationship has a power dynamic and in BSDM relationships that is well defined; sometimes contractually, which she herself preferred.

And she truly loved making all these little decisions or even better her not having to make that many because the men understood her, her expectations, her demeanor, they learned all about her and responded accordingly. That was the achievable result of a good D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship.

“Ok” she said, having his full attention. You will take off your shoes so you don’t scuff my desk. I put some water here for you if you’d like some before we begin. Please let me know if you’d like to use the restroom now as well” and Lonny shook his head no and grabbed a sip of the water listening intently. Her heart swelled with joy at the look of sheer adoration he gave her.

“You will come and get under my desk and pleasure me with your mouth and fingers until I orgasm. I will give you instructions as we go if I need to but I’d mostly like to see your skills. Do you have skill at this Lonny?”. She asked teasingly.

“Yes, Ma’am. I aim to please you.” And at that she pulled her underwear off and spread her legs. “Come here then” she said softly and Lonny went right to work.

Maybe it was the setting that added to the whole experience. The fact they may get caught. Maybe it was his pretty masterful skills. He was able to find her g-spot easily and rubbed her ass and fingered her pussy and anus while he licked her clit voraciously. He was very adept and she came quicker than she ever remembered before from cunnilingus.

After she orgasmed loudly she let him rest his head in her lap and pet his hair tenderly for a bit. Then she pulled him up for a soft kiss and tasted herself in it. He was putting his shoes on right as her secretary popped his head in.

“I’m back from lunch. Need anything?” Rick asked staring at Lonny intently for a moment gathering up what he assumed had happened here.

“No Rick, thanks. I’ll be going to lunch in a minute.” Othelia replied.

She stood up, pulled down her skirt and slid her thong back on.

“You have plans or you want to go to lunch with me?” she asked Lonny, who she was very glad didn’t look embarrassed at all. In fact he was looking like quite the triumphant warrior.

“I’d love to go to lunch. I’m starving.” Lonny responded, opening the door to her office as she grabbed her jacket and purse and headed that way.

New dating app idea

It’s a live feed of your web cam or phone can. You sign in and get linked into a room of 20 people. 10 men and 10 women. The men fit within whatever criteria you set: age, blah, blah.

It starts and everyone has 2 minutes to introduce themselves and say something. Then at the end you pick 3 people you’d like to talk to more. And if you match you go into a room for 5 minutes. If you match all 3 you go into a waiting room for them until after their 5 minute match.

After that you can link to them and message them and zoom if they are online. And you can keep zooming after the 5 minutes if you want too.

Now up the anti and make all kinds of lgbtqia rooms and even “just friends” rooms and just “casual sex” rooms. Lol

That sounds fun…. and you get to see your competition too. Not sure how self esteem boosting that might not be.

Maybe I should just do a virtual speed dating event. It sounds a lot like this except not on demand.

Am I obsessing????

It feels like I am a little.

1 in 4

One in four U.S. citizens is living at or under the poverty level right now. Which for a third world country is really great. But we aren’t supposed to be a third world country. We have the greatest military complex in the world.

And considering our inept and buffoon government (on all sides) I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the only thing propping us up and keeping us relevant.

We have a lot of bloat in the government. We have all these corporations not paying their due taxes, taking advantage of consumers/governments and stripping the world clean. Then you have all these moguls, royals, blue bloods with all this money that also evade taxes and only give philanthropy to their singular personal causes, if that.

I saw this ….

Meanwhile our congress has adjourned for the holidays with full pay and all their benefits and food on the table and family and probably friends and more.

While the fucking harsh and pitiful food lines go miles deep around the country and more and more are ending up dead.

I know we are in a pandemic but jeezus fucking christ does no one care? Ground level people very fortunately seem to give a fuck and are doing all they can. But where are the fucking leaders of this “greatest country” and where are these fucking billionaires hiding?

I’ve always been equally frustrated with how wretchedly this world functions and amazed by its beauty, bounty, the genius mother nature and the kindred kindness and ingenuity of humanity.

But for fucks sake!!


Sorry. Just venting.


I’m fine. I shouldn’t complain. It’s just so hard to stomach knowing there is no reason for it to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this way at all and yet we are just to suppose to accept it?

Whatever. No!

I’m going to take a large load of rice and beans to the local food pantry this week. I don’t think I trust the people running Voz. Either they are really incompetent or there is something shady going on down there.

I’m going to do what I can to help and still try to stay safe, although the teenager is working and being social so…..πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

I’ve told her how serious this thing is. How Texas ordered refrigeration trucks now like New York did during the first wave. But she is working. Which she wants to do and she will need for college next year so I get it.



I’m working too. And I’m not complaining about that either. I’m feeling very grateful actually. Because if we move we will need every penny.

I did decide that if we stay here, if by some miracle my loan modification comes through I’m going to pay it forward and donate some of my savings to a few local homeless shelters. Just the money I would have used to move. Although the house needs some mid-size maintenance jobs, but we will see.

Ok. That’s enough…for now.

If you’ve read this far….thanks!

I hope you’re both not suffering too much and doing all you can to help others.

God bless us all❣️

Marry me

Bond yourself to me for eternity

Let me love you

And I’ll let you love me

Give yourself to me completely

Heart, body, soul

Treasure me

As I will treasure you

Don’t ever see me as a burden

But always see me as a true friend

For that’s what I want to be

Forged to your heart

No matter how far

But please never forget to do the little things

That demonstrate you care

No skywriting is needed

Just showing me your true devotion, adoration and support

And I will have the most special smile for you

And a place so deep in my heart

Nothing and no one

No time, no space

Not death itself will shake

I blame my parents

They were brutally honest people who rarely lied to me. It wasn’t out of respect though. It was because they never felt they had to justify themselves and whatever they felt, did, or said as a parent was more than adequate.

It was also a different generation and being both from latin countries where parenting simply isn’t questioned and children are more of an annoyance than a privilege, that was how it was; or maybe that’s just them.

Lying was also something that was reinforced to me at a very young age as completely unacceptable: both by violent consequences and from achieving no ultimate gains from it.

And I thought I’d be able to teach my children this very important lesson in life. But I think there are far too many gains in life to lying with far too few consequences now. I’m not going to beat them, and by this age I think they understand the laws of karma to some degree. And the threat of hell, which I know is real, is never going to be enough of a deterrent for anyone’s behavior to be modified.

It’s something people can’t grasp, have a hard time believing, have never seen, and have no proof of. So it is just a boogey-man in the dark; that as far as most people are concerned is not concrete enough or soon enough to matter at all.

I can’t keep telling them there are consequences to lying and not procure a punishment. It’s the wrong kind of reinforcement.


I hate being a parent sometimes.

My mother is also mad at my parenting. She asked me who the mother was in our household yesterday. To which I asked her if she herself knew because I could use a break from whosever kids these were.

This time she’s mad because the teen started working and I’m only making her pay her car insurance. I’m not forcing her to contribute to the household. Now in my defense I did talk to her about it and asked her to allot 25-33% of her paycheck to me. She politely declined and could not be persuaded.

I didn’t want to tell her I was actually just going to save the money for her for an emergency fund. That would defeat the purpose; leave her with a notion that she has cash available for whatever she deems an emergency and leaves me in a bind if I have to use it for some reason.

I was irritated by it but I really didn’t want to argue about it either, maybe because I remember being her age.

Except last night she lied to me again about who and where she was. And lying sends me into a frenzy, which she knows all too well. It’s a technicality she’ll say; more of a very small ommission than a lie. Which I still find irritating.

Lying to me is a black and white issue that unless one needs to use it to save a life/lives, is always completely unacceptable.

I have a headache already and she isn’t even here to discuss this yet.

Joy, joy. πŸ™„πŸ˜”πŸ˜


I wrote this this morning and wasn’t in the mood to post it.

We have since talked. I have no idea if she understands my point. She made a forced apology and went about her life. Hmmppphhhhhh

This is it

This is what we all need to do

We all collectively need to stop trying so hard at everything

And just be our authentic selves

Without mind, ego, and selfish needs first

With acceptance and complete honesty about the real us

I think each one of us is enough exactly as we are

And the world would be such a happier place if we believed and accepted that

And all tried less to be more