Souls living a human experience

I get that it’s easy to isolate oneself in life. It’s easy to shelter oneself from the things one doesn’t want to see and experience, when one can, when one has the luxury of doing so.

I understand that it’s great to surround oneself with people just like oneself, in whatever fashion brings one the most joy. Whether that be people that look like one, act like one, think like one, have as much money as one, have the same education one has, background, hobbies, passions, drives, career, or whatever.

I really do know the joy in that.

But……

this is a big giant world full of all kinds of people and segregating ourselves based on any criteria by sharing our lives only with the people we deem appropriate and only staying inside our little comfortable circles not only narrows our understanding of the world, it leaves us without empathy for others.

This is what gives us the sense that we don’t need to get involved in anything that doesn’t affect us directly. This is what gives us the out we so desperately want. And I totally get it. I really do.

There is so much negativity and harm and danger and horrible things to see in this world and know about that we are overwhelmed by it all.

But I truly believe that until we have a mindset of truly all being in this together….until we are all really trying to make this world better for everyone the depth of satisfaction we can achieve in this life as souls having human experiences will evade us.

We are soul creatures tied together by the same mother soul. One. All. Everything. Everyone. Every time. Every place. And until we let that sink in and live our daily lives that way nothing will truly get better.

So in that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, to our individual souls, to God, to the Divine all to bridge the gap between the singular selfish being we can choose to be and the loving soul centered being we all have the capacity to be.

It’s not an easy choice and it is one we are faced with over and over, every single day. Which makes it so hard to stay the course and makes it even harder to find our way back when we have strayed too far. I truly get how hard it is.

But the hardest things in life tend to bring the most joy when we look back on them. Don’t they?

Well….. something to think about, at least.

Power is back – update

We have power back but no Wi-Fi, so no TV. I will need to clean and restock the fridge. But I’m thrilled. I’m sick of eating out. Which is why when I travel I always prefer to get an Airbnb. I like cooking and I like eating healthy and having control over the food I eat.

Yesterday we ordered ihop and for some reason the steak and eggs breakfast was sweet. As if they added maple syrup to the steak. It was kind of gross but I ate it. I’m generally not a huge sweet and savory mixed together person. I’m a strict no pineapple on my pizza gal.

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Brad and I also got in a huge fight two nights ago. He actually left the hotel and went back to his cold, dark house for the night. Then came back the next day when his house dipped to 35 and he found himself bored and cold. Plus he’s on a well so he didn’t even have water. He doesn’t have power yet. So he’s going to keep staying at the hotel.

I like it here but I’m ready to go home and resume normal life. I have so much work to do. Plus Brad’s back is acting up again. I am sure having sex is making his back worse. And I hate feeling like his pain is a direct cause of me.

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I got word from my lawyer that my mother’s old boyfriend will let me perform the autopsy under 3 conditions. 1) I pay for it. 2) He get a copy of the report. 3) I pay for the storage that the mortuary is charging him for her stay so far.

It makes zero sense to me. If he was forbidding me from doing the autopsy to the point I needed to hire a lawyer and go to court then why does he want a copy? Plus it is absolutely his fault that there are storage fees as I have asked for this from the very beginning and he has been the one stalling it. So we are going to court because I refuse all but the first term.

I told my lawyer that if he wants a copy of the report he can help pay for the autopsy. Otherwise he gets nothing from me. Just like he hasn’t given me a copy of her will and trust.

I can’t believe this man. I can’t believe his actions. But he has to account for the judgement of his own soul. That’s not for me to decide.

All I know is that none of this makes any sense to me. So I’m not going to worry about it. Just going to keep plugging along. If the only closure I’m going to get from my mom’s sudden death is just knowing why she died from exactly then that’s all the closure I get. And I have to be ok with that, like it or not. πŸ˜”

No Power Still

And no determination about when we will get power back. So I brought the kids to the hotel and Brad got them their own room. He seems to think he will get power at his house before we will. And if so we may go to his place or we may stay here. I would prefer to go but we have to see. I know my middle child will not want to be so far from her cat and she gets very dizzy in long car rides.

I picked up my gym clothes when I got them. We have a small fridge and microwave in the room. School has been cancelled so far this week an I’m sure it will continue with power out.

Brad said that in his 40 years in the northwest he’s never seen so much damage caused by a snowstorm, let alone one that didn’t even bring his area much snow. And indeed the news confirmed this.

But we are comfortable and safe. The teenager took the longest shower I’ve ever seen her take. I’m just thrilled to have power, warmth, food and WiFi. We will see how long this lasts.

Hope you are all doing ok.

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Daddy is so much fun

Daddy woke me up early to play with me. I’m so sore. But I haven’t been able to orgasm yet. I’m having a great time though, absolutely zero complaints.

I think I’ll take a nap after breakfast. The hotel is drastically understaffed even though they are booked solid due to cancelled flights. So they aren’t offering room service. The restaurant and bar are open though and they offer take-out. But Daddy doesn’t seem to like the food all that much so we will probably order in for dinner or go out.

The roads are very icy. But we have to go out anyway to get batteries for my vibrator and plain yogurt for this starting yeast infection.

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The power went out at the exes girlfriends house now too though. And the estimate for when the power will be back on at my house has gone from Tuesday at 9pm to unknown. πŸ˜¬πŸ˜”

The funny thing is Brad recently bought a whole house generator and hadn’t installed it yet. He was bemoaning how he regrets that because the money spent on this little getaway could have paid for that installation.

And we all would have been much more comfortable. Not that I mind the hotel at all. It’s a nice little vacation. But I’m also not paying for it so I do understand his point. And none of the amenities are open except the gym and I didn’t bring any workout stuff. Plus truthfully he’s keeping me very occupied.

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Brad really wants me to have sex with C. That’s the man I dated that had offered to let the girls and I stay at his house. I was sexting C in between Daddy fucking me and telling C all the details and sending him pictures. He was very turned on and edging himself. He sent me his own pictures.

This is brand new territory. It was a lot of fun. And it was making Daddy so hard too. He was telling me which pictures to send C and when C asked for a very specific picture Daddy took it.

It’s a huge mind fuck because this isn’t typical. It’s completely out of the box of a standard sex life. But boy am I enjoying it. I’m just wondering how far he thinks he’s going to take this.

I’ve told him very clearly I’m in charge of my body but he was telling me last night that I’m a slut and the chances of me fucking C are high, even without him telling me to. I took that a bit offensively honestly. Because I think I am very conservative with who I sleep with. And I offered the following explanation.

Let’s say the average woman has the opportunity to sleep with 100 men in her life. Of which the number statistically speaking that she ends up sleeping with is about 4-8 people, on average. I’m may be underestimating but let’s say that’s the average number of men that during her life a woman could very easily sleep with.

Now I’ve been active since I was 16 and men find me very sexual. So I can say without a single doubt in my mind that I could have easily slept with over 1,000 men by now, and I’m pretty sure I am underestimating that number as well. So if we go by percentages I am actually below average.

Now I’m not defending myself completely here. That is still a higher number than average. And if I could I would probably take some notches off. But what I really would have preferred was to have married a great guy and had a standard sex life. But that wasn’t in the cards for me. Was it?

I guess we will have to see where my sex life goes. But I am happy that I am firm with the fact that I am in control and I can play these games but ultimately what I say goes and that feels very good.πŸ˜‰

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All Good Here

So the lights went out Saturday at about 2am I believe. The teenager woke up at some point and crawled into bed with me, saying she was cold and scared with all the branches and trees falling outside. We had seen over an hour of electric arcs and sparks in all colors: orange, blue, red.

We then saw on the electric companies website that we would be out until at least Sunday 9pm. So before the sun went down we cleaned out the fridge and put anything we thought was salvageable in sealed bags outside, figuring it would be fine outside. Then we packed a few bags.

The man I recently dated and I have remained text pals and he’s very sweet. He invited us to his house. He had power. I was unsure if the Uber could even get us there not knowing how bad the roads were. It was about 12 miles away through lots of little streets.

Turns out the Uber couldn’t even get to us. So we were stuck. Their father was in the same place as far as outage and his street was littered with trees. We don’t have a heating source of any kind and only one dim lantern. But we are in a small enough space tucked mostly underground with cement walls, so we stay insulated pretty well. It’s cold but not freezing.

Jan checked in on us. She has a wood stove and I’m sure had we needed we could have stayed there. But what ended up happening is that Brad brought us dinner that night and he went and found a hotel. He drove around for about an hour clear out to the airport to find one that could accommodate pets too.

Then this morning he came and got me and my ex took the kids to his girlfriend’s house because she had power and she’s out of town for the weekend.

So I am fine. We ordered room service. Power isn’t due to be back until Tuesday so we are here until then. Room service and a view of the airport. That’s the parking lot beneath us. Brad has already taken me to the window to press my tits against it. This was the outfit he liked best.

Well……I will probably be busy the next 48 hours. πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

Quick Note

Snowstorm gave us sleet and the trees all got bogged down. Trees felled everywhere and lots of power lines are out. Won’t have electricity until Monday maybe. Phone about to die.

But other than boredom, layers galore and having to eat snacks we are ok. Will update whenever I can.

πŸ’‹

Desire vs fulfilment?

Which is better? Most people would probably say fulfilment. But….I day say desire can be much more passionate than reality, because it involves longing and fantasy. And those can be intense and unparalleled by actuality.

I am so desirous of sex right now. One may say that makes no sense maybe. I was just satiated a few days ago. Deeply satiated. Honestly, probably had the best sex I’ve had in 20 years. No joke. How Brad’s skills and motivation improved so drastically in 4 months is shocking to me. But it was pure ecstasy. I came about 4 times in 24 hours and then we snuggled and napped and watched TV.

Those first few orgasms I was very stoned and they were completely different. It was if the sensations were all much stronger and the release was much more of a gradual build with a long suspension at the cusp instead of a giant spike. So even though I knew I was orgasming it was not like usual at all. But boy was it great.

And I’ve lost enough weight since my mother died to fit back into some of my old lingerie. So I’m going to do a fashion show for Brad this week: wigs, stockings, full makeup, heels and all. I can’t wait.

I really can’t wait. Maybe I’ll share a picture or two, assuming he will want to take some. Maybe not. Lol🀣😈🀣

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No new idea here

I am as less as the least of humanity

And as great as the greatest of these

Because we are all connected

I am as evil as the most repulsive of us

As I am as angelic as the most virtuous of all

Because we are all intertwined in this escapade

And beyond

So much more beyond it

This is but a farce

Set to a stage of infinite scenes

A masquerade where we all take our costumes much too seriously

And play our silly games much too selfishly

I am right here in the mix

Watching it all

Dancing along to the beat

Trying to listen to my heart

And wishing it all made more sense

But these big ticket questions

They may never get answered

And hey

That’s ok too

Running Against the Wind

Today I woke up to a zoom call with 3 school administrators in regards to resources, services and needs for myself and my kiddos.

I dislike zoom calls.

I don’t even like them when I’m feeling as fierce as Michelle Obama and the camera captures me just right. Even then I’m not comfortable. And I know I can disable my own camera but phycologically I can’t. I want to see what people see.

I got off the zoom wondering to myself “what do I do all day?”.

I feel like I’m always running around doing a million little things and yet things are falling behind or not getting done at all; important things like school and showers and meals. I haven’t even looked at my clients items this month.

And I’m trying not to feel guilty. Normally I am a very capable, organized and responsible person. But right now I’m barely handling the basics. I’m sure my lack of sleep is not helping. I’ll have to address that in a constructive way that’s true to me. Drugs isn’t it or will be the last resort, at least.

Right now I have to give myself much more grace than I ever have before. I need to let it all be ok exactly as it is. Even if it feels like I’m just running in place. Even if I’m feeling like Sisyphus every day. It’s ok. I’m here. Present. Trying. Showing up. Doing the best I can. That’s all that matters now.

Let’s do this. Ok Thursday……come at me. 🀣😝🀣

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First Amendment Attacks

First they came after first amendment rights to squelch hate speech and “the incitement of violence”. Now they’re coming to squelch “dangerous misinformation”. And I ask myself where will it end?

I am personally all for allowing spaces like Parlour to continue. I’m all for allowing people to spout out whatever forms of nonsense and hatred they want to. Because if that’s what they feel in their heart I’d rather hear them say it out loud than have it hidden away.

But yes, I do agree that inciting violence is not appropriate and yes there should be consequences for threats, intimidation, and hostile actions. But a person should be able to speak their mind freely unless doing exactly that, and yet it took no time for this attack on the freedom of speech to move from some minor legitimacy to plain censorship.

And while right now most people probably are misguidedly siding with this attempt to curtail anti-vaxxers…..I’m giving everyone a do warning that this is just the beginning.

You know, I’ve seriously considered joining the dark web for years…..years. Because of all the tracking and censorship on the web and now I’m even more for it.

Me….who sincerely wishes nothing but goodness to my fellow human. Me who champions bonding with nature, harmonious cohabitation with each other and our habitat, who strives to leave a positive mark on the march of humanity.

I find it funny that me….. a person who hates doing anything illegal, immoral and harmful to others would think that the dark web is a place I have to resort to find kindred spirits in this world and some freedom from corporate and government surveillance.

Maybe meet like minded people who see past the stupid agendas of the global corporations and the elite forces running the world into the ground.

But you know what…… I really don’t care about most of all that. I know that none of this really matters. The real purpose of life is the journey our souls take; where we began and the lessons we learned and growth we had through our existence here.

So I’m just gonna take this attack in stride, just like I take all the rest of them.

And hope one day humanity awakens from the false narrative that’s been shoved down our throats for far too long.

Oh I don’t know…..

Could it be because what’s best for humanity isn’t the concern of those running the world. What’s best for the populace isn’t a concern for most government officials. What’s best for our souls individual growth and thriving is purposefully hidden from us.

Throwing it out there. Into a soundless chamber.

Life goes on. Tomorrow is another day. Always thankful to wake up. Trying to be thankful now before I go to sleep. Lol. Ah but this world doesn’t make it easy? Does it?

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