Detach, naturopath school

I am detaching from my phone.  I realize I have it in my hand or at arms length far too much.  It isn’t necessary.  I can leave it in one central location, turn my wireless speaker on and know when it’s ringing.  Any texts or emails can wait until I get to them. Which doesn’t have to be checked constantly. 

This should accomplish two things.  It should allow for some boredom.  And it will allow me to focus better. It’s been proven that having your phone within your proximity even while not engaging with it still makes you lose focus on what you’re doing to some good extent. 

I do not, personally, need to be that connected to the outside world.  No one needs me that desperately they can’t wait a few hours; except my kids maybe and that reminds me. I have to set special ring tones for them on this phone.  🤔

———-
Today I was able to help someone figure out why their digestion has been off.  I am always thrilled to help people find answers.  That’s such a rewarding part of my job.  It isn’t everyone I can help, but given enough information, time and sessions the picture almost always gets a bit clearer for people. 

This is not me diagnosing.  It’s not me telling people what’s wrong with them. It’s a joint effort to ask the right questions, gather information and brainstorm solutions that maybe make sense to them.  Even two people presenting the same issues have completely different ways they got there and may need different ways to get back to homeostasis. 

Holistic health allows for trial and error, and fortunately almost never with as potentially dire side effects as western medicine. 

I’m so tempted to apply for naturopathic school.  We have a great one here in Portland.  I think if I keep the house and make it to next year finding financial stability for myself I may apply then.  It’s gonna be a long haul but I know my focus will be on digestion.   Who knows though.  Next year seems worlds away. I have absolutely no idea what will happen from here to there. 

I have to focus on today, right now, this moment and today includes packaging and shipping over 200 pieces of Fenton glassware to ship to California.  Fun, fun!

💋❣️🙏🏽🥰🌹

Adversarial

Life has been walloping me a bit since New Year’s. I hoped this year would be great and full of new possibilities and instead…. well….. it hasn’t been.

I really am starting to feel like I can’t keep running at this pace and it’s about to get crazier because I’m picking up a day a week with Jill again (my colleague).

———

Everyone tells me to not lose the house.  I get that.  Statistically that is the biggest asset a person generally owns.  It is what provides stability and can set up wealth for future generations.  Plus it is the only asset I have, I’ve invested all my money into it and if I lose it I have no where to live, which is an important need and creates a dire situation. 

The mediation lawyer called me today and had absolutely no good news… and this is the person on my side.  From where she stands, from her experience they won’t lower the mortgage enough to make a real difference if they even approve it. 

Honesty isn’t always pretty.  

I’ve crunched the numbers every which way I can and I can’t swing it by myself at the rate it is. Even with two part time jobs on top of my businesses.   Even with my colonic business growing I just can’t consistently do it yet. 

But I’ll keep pressing on. 

Eyes on the prize…… I guess. ——-

Some people call the city I live in “white linn”.   I don’t usually pay it any mind.  That most everyone here is white and anyone of any other nationality really stands out never bothers me. But when people are rude it does cross my mind why.  Today a man saw me coming in the store behind him and didn’t bother holding the door.  It literally closed in my face. For some reason that really just irritated me.  Still does I guess or I wouldn’t still be thinking about it.  Maybe if I could say that he seen me I could brush it off.  But it’s almost like he was doing it on purpose.  Like he enjoyed it.

——

I have been wondering how it would be if we left Oregon.  But wherever we go the ex would follow, so….  I’ll never really be free. 

With the situation the way it stands I really feel like I can’t make friends.  I feel like I can’t confide in people. I feel like no one really understands and I feel so very alone sometimes.  It doesn’t help that Brad is out of the picture too. 

The benefit of moving somewhere new would be that no one would know anything more than whatever I choose to tell them.  I could wipe it all clean, but it wouldn’t stay that way because again….. I can’t seem to escape certain things in life.  And I also don’t know how to lie or even keep things to myself… as you can see. 🙄

And even if I could get rid of my penchant for picking pedophiles.  Even if I could get rid of my desires for “naughty fun”, like drinking and gambling.  Even if I could give up my insatiable desire for sex.  Even if I could figure out how to have an easier life….. I can’t seem to be able to escape my own personal villains.  Can I?


——-

I can always tell when people are in something for the money or for the profit.  Not that we all don’t have to survive and make a living but it’s a matter of doing things with heart or with avarice. 

I met a woman at a networking event.  She seemed sweet. She invited me to coffee.  I told her my issues.  I was brutally honest and she offered to help me for full price; $900 thereabouts. Ok. Fine. I declined and we never spoke again. 

She has just invited me to an event she is having.  It’s an empowerment thing.  I’m really sick of this genre of events, geared towards women that are supposed to be uplifting.  Even though it isn’t expensive I’m definitely not going.  I applaud her enthusiasm and drive and business acumen but it’s not for me. 

I know image sells. I know people love to glomp on to other people’s success stories. I know plenty of people pretend to have it all figured out and sell that image to others.  But I can’t pretend my life is perfect and I have my shit together when I have this big huge cloud over my head. I just can’t. 

I could still try to sell myself.  I could pretend to be the face of success. I could purport to be the epitome of bliss and true happiness.  But I can’t. I can only be me.  The me that has some serious baggage.  The me that has some big-time trauma.  The me that has some nefarious characters lurking in my inner circle that I can’t get rid of, no matter how much I’d like to.

Why can’t it be easier?  Why do I have such a heavy load to bare?  It’s not about fair or unfair; it’s about stamina.  I don’t know if I can keep going up this hill. 

——–

I’m babbling.  I’m tired. I’m disheartened.  I’m just not sure what to do.  I asked God and the message I got was eBay. Which doesn’t seem quite right.  I mean yes; It’s easy.  I’m good at it.  But I also kind of hate it.  It’s consumerism.  It’s materialism.  It’s time consuming.  I suppose I can suck it up and just do it, but ugghhhh.  I really, just can’t do it all.  If I pick eBay back up something has to fall by the side and I am conflicted about that. 

Plus if I can’t find clients with high value items then I need to source things to sell for myself.  Suppose I could start getting rid of crap I have laying around the house and garage.  win/win.

——
From the sound of it this mediation meeting isn’t going to give me answers. Because I was delayed in providing all the paperwork what will probably happen is another mediation or they will just get back to me with their answer within 30 days or so.  But I’ll wait until next Tuesday to see what they say and figure out how I will proceed. 
——-
I’m so tired.  So damn tired.  Just fucking exhausted.  

And with no one to hold tight or hold me tight… makes me a tiny bit sad.

But no use dwelling on any of this. 

None of it!!!!  None at all. 

C’est la vie.  Life goes on or it doesn’t…..

Right now……. it’s the girls keeping me going.  That’s it.  No other motivation.  I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone, not even myself.  I just want to come through for them.  God help me.  Let me do something right in this life.  Please!

🙏🏽🌷🙏🏽🌷🙏🏽

Emotional pendulum overdrive

Being very sensitive is seen as a bad thing in this world. But I don’t see it that way at all. I agree that it’s sometimes difficult to deal with. But I don’t agree with the diagnosis’ surrounding that and the ways we try to curtail feeling strong emotions.

We are emotional beings. We are sensitive, to not just our own moods, body and thoughts but to our environment; including the stimuli and people that surround us. This is for good reason.

I sometimes have people come in to do colonics that are highly sensitive to them. They feel the contractions, they feel the temperature changes, they feel their body respond and it can be a bit overwhelming for them. I always tell them that’s a very good thing. That this mind body connection is absolutely priceless. That sensitivity will keep them aware and healthy, if they let it.

People often ask me how I got into this. I always tell them about my own Illness. They ask me how long I was sick. Truthfully I was not sick very long; because I was very acutely aware of myself. As soon as I started seeing things amiss I took myself to the doctor to figure it out. It took months of testing to get a diagnosis. Once they ruled out everything else they pinned “chronic fatigue” on me.

Made sense. I couldn’t get out of bed no matter how many hours I slept. Once out of bed I needed an entire carafe of coffee to just get going. By noon I needed to pop (diet) pep pills just to stay awake and even then I still spent most of my time on the couch. It was not an emotional issue. Along with this I had dozens of other symptoms and body issues.

I remember walking into a doctor’s appointment with a sandwich bag full of hair. When I explained that this hair was from only one brushing I saw the concern on his face. He was a sweet doctor. I appreciated that he did not tell me what to do, he worked with me to do what suited me best based around my own needs and desires. He knew I didn’t like meds, so when he diagnosed me I specifically told him to not only leave it off my medical charts but that I had an idea of what I would do and that I would be back in a month.

He didn’t question me. But wished me well and when I did come back to see him after the Gerson Therapy when I was back to mostly normal he was overjoyed. He even suggested some life coaching he had done that was centered around emotional healing. I lost him to Kaiser. My loss, their win.

All this to say that last night my heart was racing when I got to sleep. My liver was hurting too. I went from a beautiful centered calmness to almost a full blown panic attack in a short 10 hours.

I find it funny that we are so complex and yet we can also decipher ourselves fairly easily. I feel my greatest achievement in this lifetime is knowing myself, accepting myself and mastering myself. All an ongoing endeavor and so very, truly worthwhile, so pivotal to my happiness and reaching the depths of understanding this life has to offer.

For one, it allows me to not hold tight to anything that doesn’t resonate with my soul. It allows me to respond with genuineness to my environment. It allows me to see and understand more things; even things that are uncomfortable and painful and be able to sit with them. It gives me freedom…. true freedom to be the me that shows up at any given moment. Whoever that may be and it gives me the gratitude to understand that this is my journey for a reason and to find joy and comfort in that.

Welcome to my world, let me take your coat, kick off your shoes, stay a while, want something to drink? Don’t worry; you are safe here with me.

🙏🏽🥰💋❣️🌷

Babe, I’m gonna leave you

That was the first song that came on my playlist yesterday. It’s the song I woke up to today in my head too. It’s funny because it’s not one of their songs I care for too much. It’s too simple and repetitive, but still here it is in my head.

I’m feeling really calm today. Not sure why. The deadline I gave myself and reported to the powers that be is for tomorrow and I’m nowhere near done. I have it all organized. I know what I need to do. It is doable. I just haven’t done it yet. I woke up early to start on it this morning and yet have done other things.

The water filter was smelling musty. I took it apart and cleaned and disinfected it. It actually had a speck of white mold on the inside of the lid too. Maybe this explains why the kids immune systems seem worse this year than normal. They drink a lot of water.

I still have some time to start, but I’m not gonna stress myself. I’ll stay up as late as I need to to finish or wake myself up at the crack of dawn, or more accurately before the crack of dawn as the sun rises late here this time of year.

I let the teenager read the hardship letter I wrote yesterday to ensure it read ok. She turned to me and asked me “is this supposed to be a sob story?”. I laughed. “well, it’s not supposed to make you smile, so yes kind of, but I’m also not trying to make people cry.”. She said I accomplished that well then. Good enough I guess. I had wanted to clarify how she meant that but I don’t usually make people explain themselves to me often.

For one because I’ve noticed it makes people feel judged. Also, a lot of people don’t put too much thought into what they say. So having them clarify their statements completely throws them off. And then too, often it just isn’t necessary to take that time and effort to add that extra layer to the story. lol

I can’t explain well why I feel so centered right now. I have no outside rational to correlate with it. But that’s the thing about this life. That’s the real beauty to me. Nothing I can own, no one I could love, nothing I can do, see, hear, touch, enjoy will really add to my life if I am truly miserable on the inside. The depth, peace, joy, divinity I seek I must find within me first. And I feel lucky beyond every jewel known to mankind to understand the value of that very well, to know that truth.

I guess that’s why I feel good. Don’t know. Not gonna put too much thought into it. Just gonna enjoy it. Have a blessed day.😉🙏🏽

💋💋💋🍀🥰

Parasite paranoia

I’m a bit obsessive sometimes.  I’m sure you’ve noticed.  One thing I am clearly obsessed about are parasites.  In particular those that inhabit humans, all thousands of them. Not literally but not far off either.  Anyways….

It finally occured to me why we crave the things we should not and can not eat.  I crave sweets, gluten,  dairy, chocolate and alcohol.  These are ALL items that specifically cause my body inflammation and issues. Tested and proved to myself countless times.  So why do I crave them so much?

So the Times magazine did an expose on parasites eons ago and it said how they invade one organism (animal), take over it’s hosts mind and bodily function, make the host kill itself after it’s basically overrun it from the inside so that it can then pass on to a new bigger host (ideally). 

Fascinating!!

But back to my body and my experience and my little aha. 

Parasites want the body to be inflamed so that the more our immune system has to fight off the inflammation the less resources it can devote to cleaning house of parasites.  Which we are exposed to constantly. 

We come across feces daily and I’m not even counting our own; by touching, inhaling, eating fecal particulates.  We are animals that like to believe we are so pristine and not animalistic.  It’s hysterical to me really.  We are no better than neanderthals just that our foreheads are narrower really.  Lol anyway.

Believe me.  Don’t believe me.  Don’t care. I know the truth.  That’s really all that has ever mattered to me in this life.

Maybe I’m a strange duck that way.  I seem to value the truth much higher than most people and I am willing to pay the price to live mine. Maybe that’s the difference. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️😂

I heard something on a new show the other day.  The character said something I am going to butcher terribly, but it was something like “the honest man takes his life in his hands with every truth he speaks.”.

But we aren’t guaranteed our very next breath even.  Are we?  How do you choose to live?  It’s as simple as that.

And yet that isn’t simple at all. Is it? It’s damn hard sometimes; damn fucking hard or at least it can be.  This much I know.

🙏🏽❣️

Conscious Beings

I believe that we are extraordinary beyond any of our own wildest dreams. 

How I see it we have our conscious reality going on at any given time. In it thousands of things are taking place simultaneously, just within our immediate vicinity and yet we are aware of a very minute portion of them.   Extrapolate what one person  is consciously comprehending vs what is going on within the environment and others at  given time and that amount is almost completely negligible. 

Then there is the subconscious; the shared “mind”, and beyond.  We have our immediate human connection in this space and time, but also a connection to all space and time, to all beings, animals, matter and antimatter. 

Maybe incomprehensible really, the magnitude of it all.  Hard to contextualize it.