Rage Against “Nice Guys”

Let me preface this by saying that all my life I have been surrounded by nice guys. Boys and men that genuinely looked out for me, shielded me, protected me, loved me, taught me self love and acceptance and were just all around truly great guys.

Not to say I haven’t had run-ins with the opposite too. This rant is about the men that are neither of these. This is about what I call the in-between men.

Here is my take on that. I have met so many men who have ulterior motives and thoughts. They come at you all “hey….what about you?” When they really mean “hey, I want this!” I find it not only completely disingenuous; I also find it extremely boring.

Say what you mean and mean what you say!! If you want to fuck me, walk right up to me and just say it. I would A) respect you as a person a lot more B) engage with you in a more real way. That may mean a slap to the face or a cute smirk and a walk away so you can look at my ass or whatever…but it will be real!!

All this “what can I do for you to get what I want; while we pretend I don’t really want anything” is so fucking tedious. Ugghhhh. And it just lacks personality. The “I’m just gonna do what all guys do and keep myself buttoned up and put a nice guy smile on and see what I can get”.

For Gods sakes…..who are you?? You?? The real you. What does he want? What does he need? What does he want to really say? Can he come out to play?

The “nice guy” schtick is so played out and just abysmal. If you are genuinely a good guy trust that it is absolutely apparent from the get-go. The rest of you. Man-fucking-up and be yourselves. Don’t you want to be liked for you and not some game your playing? Not some persona your propping up for some gain?

I don’t know. I just don’t get it. It doesn’t work with me. Maybe it works with other girls. Personally I’d rather fuck an outright asshole than an idiot that doesn’t know how to be genuinely himself. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE nice guys and there are plenty out there. But come on guys….cut the crap.

Dick Pic’s

I’m not sure what women’s organization got together and decided that women shouldn’t like dick pic’s.

I’ve only been single for a few years and yes in that time I have been privy to a few of them and frankly I’ve enjoyed them all. Especially the ones with cum. So luscious.

Maybe it’s my proclivity for sexual images to begin with; i.e. porn girl. But boys….go on with your big bad selves. My only caveat is that I do like to see a face first. Otherwise what do I attach the dick to. Really….only makes sense. Lol

10,000 Emerald Pools

I’m obsessed with this song.

I’ve been told many times what healthy love is suppose to look like. Yawn!!

It’s not for me. Sorry. I need an all encompassing, torrential downpour of love, passion, giving. That’s how I love and it’s what I need to see mirrored back. When I find that….genuinely find that…..that will be the best day ever. Only to be overshadowed by every day thereafter. Is love like that sustainable? Lol. Try me.

Plus….it will just be oh so much fun!

Demanding Whore*

I’m one bossy ass bitch.

I am an alcoholic

I am a sex addict

I am a manic depressive

I have massive anxiety build-ups

I have a highly addictive and obsessive character

I push really fucking hard but pamper even harder….everyone…especially myself and the ones I love.

I may have some current flavor of the century personality disorder

And you know what????

I don’t give a shit

I’m perfectly fine with all of it

Because I manage it……&

Even on the days I give in to it

I do so on MY TERMS

Like right now I would love nothing more than an ice cold glass of premium champagne**. If I wanted to get drunk or even just drink I have alcohol readily available upstairs. But that is not what I want.

I want what I want and that’s what I God damn fucking want…..and if it comes yay-fucking-fantasmic and if it doesn’t oh fucking well.

I learned early on you don’t always get what you want and then I learned that you do….if you’re willing to wait….and I’m one patient little nympho.


*yea I said it. I am not that, but I can laugh at myself. I know who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone. God and I are good. Soo yea. Keep your judgement to yourself and call yourself whatever you want. K?

**because it’s smoother and has a more teeny-tiny yummy bubbles, not because it costs more.

Love Deficit – Sex Surplus

I’m just gonna come clean here. I have not been celibate as of late. I tried. Really I did. Yet….on my birthday I found myself in a conundrum I’ve faced a couple times in my life.

I had sex with two men on the same day. Now….I don’t care what anyone thinks about this. I truly only care what I think about it and more importantly why this keeps happening to me & I’ve come to the abject conclusion that I make “not great” decisions when it comes to men.

In this case, as was the same situation previous times, I had sex with a man I care about and wanted to have sex with and then also sex with a man who cares about me deeply and very much wanted to have with me.

Why can these not be the same man? Why is there always a disconnect? It’s like I’ve navigated the Dom & sub space all along without even knowing or understanding it. Always having one or the other and never really both in one. Which is what I crave deeply. A man that enthralls me completely and yet is loving and doting.

But nooo…I have either one loving sub at my beckon call that I usually adore but doesn’t quite make the “one and only” cut or have had a Dom who is generally a heathen and treats me arrogantly and stand-offish. A man who I can’t seem to get enough of until I get tired of his antics and my scorn flares one too many times and I turn him away for good.

What would it take to find both in one? I recently met a rather handsome Dom who wants to be “friends”. Which is all fine and well but it is usually code for “with benefits”. I suppose we’ll see. He seems to think once again that my expectations are too high and that my search may need to be Nationwide. *

I find both those suppositions laughable anyway. My expectations are not high, just my standards are. By this I mean that I will literally friend and possibly (if I so feel like it) fuck or rather almost fuck whomever strikes the mood right**. But who I will let into my heart, mind, entire body and soul must be special. They must beckon me.

Listen. It’s fine. I’m not really complaining. I’d rather be in this limbo than miserably attached to someone that’s only so-so on the Richter scale. Someone that doesn’t make my heart palpitate like crazy.

Whatever you do PLEASE do not call it the plight of the pretty girl. So used to being hit on and propositioned that I’ve become numb to it. That simply isn’t so. I am genuinely grateful for the attention and adoration I get.***I do enjoy men looking at me, flirting with me, desiring me. Do I need it? No. Does it affect my love circuitry? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

If you took a look at my sub list you’d see they are all nothing too much to look at, no Herculean attributes other than sweet, adoring and idolizing me profusely. If you took a look at my Dom list you’d see a bunch of ridiculously good-looking selfish assholes.

The problem is real. So real!! Lol. Soooo……what to do? Well. For now I’ve blown off my “Dom” for lack of a better way to address him and I’d love to get rid of my sub but…for reasons I can’t and don’t want to explain at this point that is not feasible. In his defense, he went out of his way to make sure I orgasmed; and orgasmed well at that yesterday. Sooooo…he has his merits. We’ll see how long until I get horrendously bored; as usual.

Look……I already know he just isn’t going to be cracking the code. I know myself. I know my body, my heart. He isn’t what I want. Not now, not ever…but I am letting him play.

And in my heart still waiting…….ever so patiently for my Mr. Spectacular to come banging on my hearts door.

My body may be enjoying itself here and there but will never, ever be complete without you. If you can’t believe that then you underestimate the degree to which I love.


*because I seem to be told this a lot lately. Since when does knowing what I want constitute a problem? It isn’t an issue at all if I’m fine waiting for it and I am. So….ugghhhh…whatever.

**as seems to be the case lately. That I just have lots of fun doing exactly what I want to and don’t want to do….because I do so love to play. This normally hasn’t involved any sex.

***especially since looks seem to wither quickly for women with age and I’m just happy to still be considered hot and sexy by most men’s accounts. Truly…


I’m realizing that this blog makes it seem like I’ve never loved non-hot guys. This is not the case at all. I just get bored easy. A person has to have a lot of personality to keep up with me. Looks or no looks….but I am a tiny bit of a sucker for a cute face and hard body. Because you’re not? But even that only carries you so far….especially in bed. 😝


I’m feeling self conscious about this post. These are things I haven’t shared with close friends and here I am telling strangers my most intimate sex life details in surround sound. Sure it’s fun but…..worry strikes again.

My bottom line…what i think I’m trying to say is that we should all have lovers; unless that’s not your thing. Then hey….who’s forcing you? No one I hope.

That’s it!

I’m in the market for a husband right now. I’m in line for my “ride or die” guy. A lover keeps the edge off. Let’s me relax enough to enjoy the process and be myself. I see it as a win/win. I’m not sure what the other crazies are doing? I can only give you a window into my crazy. 😂😂😂

Burn it Down

I have been feeling a bit off. It was this birthday coupled with feelings of depression and angst. I hadn’t been to the gym in a while (maybe a week) and I desperately needed it.

I went on the treadmill and I did interval sprints until I couldn’t breath. All I could think of….all that kept running through my head was wanting to burn it all down. Wanting all this pain to end.

I kept running and running and running until my heart couldn’t keep up with my head and I had to stop.

It’s an extra long bubble bath night coupled with a heavy dose of THC.

I’m not burning anything down. Don’t worry.

But I am going to use that energy to keep laying the ground work. Doing what I need to do to get to where I need to get to. One way or another. Even if I have to hit the gym daily to keep burning it down in my mind. It’s days like these I wish I had a punching bag.

I was told to get a sub. That’s what they want. That’s what they need. But I don’t do pain for pains sake alone. It has to mean something. He has to mean something….I’m not a monster. I’m actually very loving…just not on the days I want to burn it all down. Today would be a very painful day if I had a sub.

Bad, bad boy

I went to the sex club last Friday and within 10 minutes a beautiful boy wanted to sit beside me. He immediately enthralled me. He told me he had a Mistress and gave me the ins and outs of the Portland Sex Club Scene. There are a handful of clubs here including a very exclusive invitation only one. I was deeply intrigued by it all and by him.

I wanted to kiss his sweet, plump lips. When he asked me for a kiss I initially said no….he had informed me his Mistress lets him play as long as there was no sex. And well…..it was a combination of the way he looked at me (like I was going to be his), what he said, how he acted towards me (mostly subservient and docile but with a little bit of push) and how he made me feel (lustful) that had me desirous of touching him, kissing him, enjoying him.

We made our way to the private rooms and before we went in I asked him how old he was. I was completely taken aback when he said “22”. I don’t have a good sense of people’s ages. I often get that game wrong. I hesitated less than a moment. I knew we wouldn’t be having sex.

For starters I didn’t want to and then he couldn’t. It was the perfect situation. The thought that he could be my son made me laugh. I wasn’t going to marry the boy…and he was well past consenting age. Lol

It was spectacular!! Best make-out session that wasn’t love based. I lost a contact during. That’s never happened. We got to play roughly and I flashed back to Sage and how much I loved that and I let loose on him. Not drawing blood or leaving marks. He isn’t mine to do that to. He has a Domme.

Speaking of…when I went to friend him on fetlife (mistressg3) he got in massive trouble with his Mistress. Poor thing. I hope it was worth it for him. Turns out I wasn’t his first dalliance away from their rule structure. I messaged his gorgeous Master my sincerest apologies and offered her a bit of advice.

Hopefully it helped. In his defense he is obviously, truly in love with her. I could tell from how he talked about her and the pictures of them together, but he seems to be having difficulty with his boundaries. If they don’t come to terms they both can accept they may be doomed.

Is it her job to punish him to make him comply? Is it his job to comply willingly? Is it their job to find a system that actually works? I don’t have the answer. Psychologically speaking, I would think the latter would be the most effective, but the first two are suppose to be the game so maybe all 3.*Lol

I did all I could to make them understand that in the structure they have chosen he must submit before being asked to and she must decide for herself what she really needs to be completely satisfied…just giving in to his behavior is not going to solve anything and waiting for it to happen again won’t solve anything. It’s like any other addiction. Although he deeply likes the punishment; being pro-active does more to actually remedy the situation somewhat. But it’s all so situational really.

There is still hard work in this structure but there is a greater freedom to be who you genuinely are and have your deepest desires met. With genuine, open communication it is a very precious space to be in; a space where you can mutually satisfy each other’s needs.

The hardest part is figuring that out (your deepest needs) and navigating that with someone else’s needs. But….every lid has its pot. I know now….finally…….45 years in the making what I need. The level of devotion. The level of passion. The power dynamic. I found my own self in the rubble of what has been a long hard road.


*Maybe it’s not all that simple because they also both switch. That’s something that seems to add a bit more difficulty to this lifestyle. I happen to think it’s worth it though.




In this quiet space

Am I still breathing?

It’s all in slow motion

As if it were happening beneath water

And it is as engulfing and


That beautiful moment

When I indeed realize I can’t take a breath yet

And it feels like I’m drowning

In a sea of regret

And pain

And it hurts so good

I can’t let it go

And yet I know it will leave me

Yet again

To live

To breath

To be

Who I set out to be

Easter Bunny

I was the Easter Bunny today. I volunteered or rather I was volunteered.

I loved it.

To wear a mask and be able to give love and kisses and hugs. It was magical. Some kids were afraid. I tried to assuage them.

Most kids, even older kids wanted to love…wanted to give. Wanted to be open. Then there were the jaded.

I lived it all. I loved. I gave. I cried for the innocence lost.

This world is screwy. I wish I could love everyone. I wish I could give to everyone what they needed to feel loved. To feel alive. To feel unjaded.

God. Bleed for the ones that are so sensitive. So loving.

God. Give. To those that are lost in this mad, mad world.