Rainbow Unicorn, Ribbit, Two Daddies

In the sex world a “unicorn” is considered a single woman that wants to play with both parties in a couple with no strings attached. I guess I can see why they are called that. But in my mind a true unicorn is a beautiful boy trans with breasts and long hair. One that when clothed looks just like a pretty girl and when unclothed has a hard dick ready to play with. I think though… and I hate to generalize that most trans men prefer men and/or like to bottom.

So I believe a rainbow unicorn is a trans boi that wants to play with both parties in a relationship. Now that to me is mouthwatering. It’s not in the top 5 but it is on the sexual bucket list.

—–

Brad blew it with a cute sissy boi I had been talking to and and directed to talk to him. He didn’t let me read the dialogue so I can’t say for sure what happened. What I gleaned is that Brad started taking about double penetrating me and it turned him off. I don’t know that he realizes that the people on Fetlife may be kinky and into what we are seeking but they are still people with their own desires and limits. It’s one thing to throw out a precise add for a play partner and take the best in show and quite another to find a person to incorporate in your life as also a friend.

I’m not sure what his aim is exactly. I haven’t invested any time trying to help him because we aren’t at a place I feel stable enough to want to play with others as well.

——-

I’ve been told I put too much faith in people. I’ve been told I’m naive. I’ve been told I’m worth more than what I settle for. I am usually pretty self content is the thing. And I also believe people are capable of so much more than they even believe. I’ve never in my life felt I’ve settled, with the exception of my marriage maybe. And even then I was absolutely ok with that decision (at first)…. until the situation became unbearable….and I had to walk away.

I remember reading about a woman who was in a very abusive marriage. She routinely got beat black and blue by her partner. She somehow stuck in there and managed to get herself a higher degree and left him only after she secured an offer for a good job. That is much smarter than I’ve ever been in life. I just leap from lily pad to lily pad trying to catch my moment in the sun. One day soon I hope to end up on a stable rock and just enjoy the rest of the show.

—–

The 6 year old says to me this morning. “Mama, I don’t think you should marry Brad. I think Brad and daddy should get married. Just like Jude has two daddies”. OMG. I laughed so hard (on the inside). I said “Yep, you’re right sweetie, that’s a great idea. Why don’t you mention it to them?” (Because sometimes I love to just see where things go). And then she says “well…daddy doesn’t seem to want to meet Brad.” These damn kids are so smart. Lol

Ba Humbug

Usually around Christmastime I get into a hyperdrive spending mode. Just doing my civic duty as a consumer πŸ™„….but let’s not kid ourselves… it’s fun. It’s joyful. I truly love giving. This year though because my finances are juxtaposed to that stance I can not indulge. So I’m feeling a bit ba humbug. I think I need to be more inventive. Find ways to give that involve spending no money. I’m creative…..sometimes. I’m resourceful…when I need to be. Well…. this is the time.

I always lament when people use their genius for evil. Here’s my chance to prove the opposite is true as well. Less talk – more action. That’s what’s needed right now. But I have so many projects I need done too. I want to give but I also need to focus on myself and getting things accomplished that have been on the back burner and things that are of more pressing urgency… like asking for clemency from the IRS via 26 pages of tell us what your great aunt ate for lunch last February 29th.

Decisions, decisions. Maybe this once I let myself get into a tiny bit of selfish grinch mode. I say that, but I know I’m kidding myself. I’ve done this before. Said I was not buying anyone gifts and then I scrambled like crazy Christmas Eve buying gifts. I know myself a little better now. I need to preplan this or I’ll have the same such fiasco again. Ok lists. Here we go. Homemade cookies are calling me.

I do so love baking. But much like wine…. baking doesn’t love me it seems. But it still brings me joy even if I can’t eat anything I make anymore. Maybe I’ll make gluten-free, dairy-free baked goods this year. It just can’t compare though and I think people will feel like I’m torturing them and it will go right in the trash. Why does everything seem to be at a crux right now in my life. Porque? No se.

Amor! πŸ’‹β€οΈ

As promised my holiday card photo. This is me in mom mode with my three angels.

Emotional Immaturity

They say in life you can glean how far one will go based on emotional maturity more than IQ. But they also say that genuinely nice people are statistically more likely to not be very wealthy. Which seems more of a chicken/egg dilemma and one I’m not sure I want to believe anyway.

Truthfully, I dislike people that take themselves way too seriously. Of course in business environments, like say a surgeon or accountant or my clientele… then of course, I expect extreme professionalism. Outside of that I prefer to laugh and just “keep it real” in life. But taking yourself seriously and being emotionally mature aren’t the same thing anyway.

—–

Last night Brad put me in a very awkward situation. I willingly went along with him and can’t really blame him too much because I should have known better as well. But one of us has got to be the adult here. And while usually that is me; that really only works when he listens to me and follows my direction.

So after the incident I was very angered and instead of discussing it he decides throwing a pillow at my face would be a good thing. I get pretty infuriated and ask him if he thought that was funny? Then he says to me “you just took me the wrong way; like ALWAYS” and that stupid little statement turned what could have been a relatively simple discussion and sent it into the red zone.

I am a girl. I communicate. It’s what we do. It’s how issues get resolved. But it involves a bit of emotional maturity to sit and have uncomfortable discussions. I’m just not a sweep it under the rug kind of person. I’m not. I like to head things off and I especially don’t like the same issues coming back over an over again.

We just can not keep having all these arguments. I realize I am a demanding woman. Probably because I just happen to know what I want. But I think that’s a great thing because I am very clear about my desires and expectations. It’s not like I painted over the yellow brick road.

All I’m really trying to do here is help him understand my needs within this relationship and trying to help him navigate me; my moods, my desires, my issues. I recognize I may not always be easy, but sometimes I am and more importantly I know I’m more than worth it. I know what I have to offer and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my love is more than worthy.

I just don’t know how far someone can grow their emotional intelligence at his age and I also don’t know how willing he is to try. But I’m also not sure how much Three Stooges behavior I’m willing to put with. At the same time it’s actually really, super cute to see him interact with my 6 year old. She adores him. Why wouldn’t she though? They’re emotionally about the same age. πŸ™„

Ugghhh.

And here I was saying that I didn’t want this blog to revert to relationship drama. Ho hum.

Honestly I just don’t have the energy to work so hard at this. I need him to pick up the slack here or like he told me himself he’s been able to do with every other woman in his life except me. “If you want to leave I’ll hold open the door”.

Soulless Monsters

I reserve a lot of my anger in life towards certain particular things and corporate greed is very high on that list.

Apple is one of the corporations I used to love. Before they became a phenomenon I was already a fan. I’m talking OG iPod and everything. But now? I’ll be the first to spit on it’s grave should I have the pleasure of seeing its demise. Unfortunately, I doubt I will ever see it. These companies just swallow each other up and grow exponentially and find new ways to control and ruin our lives. I mean improve. Uhu. Yea. That’s what I meant. πŸ™„

I haven’t been able to receive android texts for almost two weeks. Coincidentally right at the exact same time I did an update on my phone. I called Verizon and they said “Well…. we did all we could; your phone is just old”. I googled it and did everything I could on my end. So I gave Apple the benefit of the doubt and bought a slightly newer phone. One that has a headphone jack because I’m old, set in my ways and paranoid. Plus I don’t want to have to buy more accessories.

Everything seemed fine on the new phone until I ran the same stupid update and guess what. I’m sure you have no idea; right? Planned obsolescence, more like planned robbery. In exchange for being connected to the world these corporations want to be connected to your bank roll. They’ll let you know when they are ready to make a withdrawal. Don’t worry.

Didn’t they use to make refrigerators that lasted more than 30 years? They made them so that anyone with basic mechanical aptitude could potentially fix them too. Now? Don’t even open the panel of your own phone because it will void the warranty; as will a plethora of other things. Because you’re suppose to live in a bubble and depend exclusively on them for everything, including how to spend your money more efficiently (for their bottom line, at least).

I really hope it’s a glitch they are aware of and working day and night to fix and that tomorrow morning an update will arrive for this dilemma and I’ll find myself with a back-up phone instead of the two overpriced paperweights I find myself with now. But alas I harbor no hope.

Greed knows no bounds. And the faceless, soulless, government subsidized corporate free-for-all we have now is pungent of all the worst qualities of humanity and human existence. I find myself feeling very “Fight Club” right now. I usually say “find the positive, focus on the silver lining, find the joy”. That is my mantra. But not today. Today I have only two words.

Fuck Apple!!

Abundance / giving himself to me / enjoying the ride.

I was in my studio folding laundry and I was thinking and praying for abundance in my life. Financial abundance that it and not even a minute later I found $30 in the laundry I was folding. I laughed and smiled. I had been thinking bigger but the point seemed made.

———–

Brad stayed over for a bit last night after the girls went to bed. We laid in my bed talking and playing. At one point I was kneeling between his legs and I grabbed a ball in each hand and pulled hard; suspending the weight of my upper torso with them arching myself back as far as I could go. His reactions (especially while trying to not make any noise) were superb. But then he gave himself to me and I flew into deep ecstasy.

He went up on his elbows and through the pain he pushed his groin out towards me so I could suspend myself further back. He looked so beautiful laying beneath me. He opened up to me in a way that was just so real and raw and loving.

I don’t love sadism for the sake of loving sadism. I don’t love it for the sake of inflicting pain. I don’t love it as some form of torture and revenge. I simply, truly, deeply love it when someone gives themselves to me completely and gets lost into that moment. When there is an almost rhythmic ebb and flow of giving and receiving.

When the pain melds into exquisite pleasure and then back again and again as it becomes a yielding to all the senses. When there is a letting go of all desires and thoughts except to please and to be connected to the attention being given. To let oneself go completely into the sensation of it all without any fear or cares or wavering whatsoever; just a beautiful and pure melding of deep desire and true surrender.

Heaven. Magic. It’s unexplainable how powerful of a thing that is and how fucking amazing it feels. There’s making love and there is this. Not the same and yet both completely breathtaking.

——-

You know in life I’ve realized that we don’t get to know all the moving parts of our lives. Truthfully we barely know a small percentage of ourselves. So how are we to know the dynamics of everything and everyone else. There is always so much more going on around us than we are ever really aware of.

This is why I like to rely on my gut instincts so much. Because looks are sometimes deceiving. Words don’t always mean much. And I’ve learned the hard way as well; from not following my instincts that the vast majority of the time they are right.

As I see it, we can’t control much in life outside of ourselves and even then that’s not always very possible. Sooooo. Why hold on so tight? What is there to always have to feel so in control of? Life is in constant, never-ending flux. And as we all know, nothing is ever truly guaranteed. Moments are soo very fleeting. There is just no reason to hold on too tight to anything really. Just enjoy the ride!

I voted for Trump/net neutrality/matching butt plugs/happy heart

I hate to say it; only because some people look at you as if you were an alien out killing puppies with fresh blood dripping from your fangs.

I was tired of the same old same old. One administration pushes a bit left. The next pushes a bit right. Things pretty much stay the same. The deficit keeps growing. We are still in combat sending kids home in coffins. Corporate greed keeps expanding its territory. Our freedoms keep getting trampled on in the name of “patriotism” and “the better good” and “policing those people”.

I think Trump through no fault of his own has brought things to light that needed to be lit: voting issues, inherent misogyny and racism within our systems, government and people, the falsity of media coverage, and more. So do I think he is doing a good job? Well. I can’t say now. Ask me in 20 years. As of now, I see him as a rich, bullying asshole that does not have the countries true interest but only his own at heart with limited knowledge of world politics and even our own policies and government workings. Is that necessarily bad? Maybe not. Maybe he’ll do more good than he even knows. Like a bumbling idiot TV character; but I can’t say for sure. So far I am not impressed really; but hey it’s a fun show and it’s getting people involved and talking and that’s a great thing!!

Plus any man that can get me to wish for Bush junior back in office sure does merit some award. Lol. But I’m really hoping more good than bad comes from this saga. If anything things are getting stirred up and that I do like. I like for people to be pushed beyond their level of comfort and see other people’s realities. I like to think we can bridge gaps better this way but this just may be my naΓ―vetΓ© talking. Who knows?

—-

When net neutrality got put on the ballot the first time I was one of the people calling the fcc; voicing my complaints against letting the government and corporations have control of not only what we see but how it gets seen. It’s a confusing subject but basically it gives them power and control over not only content and advertising, but also speeds and access. This makes me more and more want to jump on the dark web and I don’t even want to do anything illegal. I just don’t want to have all my data and searches saved for advertisers pleasure and government oversight.

I don’t want my searches to be blocked in the sake of the “greater good”. Sure now they are trying to come for societies “bottom feeders” and restrict them but who is next? I say let it ALL be out there. I would rather look at the whole truth in all its ugly splendor than have some else’s version of the truth curated for me in a more palatable and consumer driven way.

They’ve already come out against the far right and people concede to it because why? It’s dangerous? When it incites hatred and anger I suppose it can be seen that way; but I’d rather know than not know what people think and feel. All this truly does is drive it into the shadows. I don’t see the benefit there. The people that believe and want to see things this way will go looking wherever they have to.

And then there are things like this. Even if you don’t believe in this point of view ask yourself “who is next?”.

—–

Brad and I have been struggling. The worst part of this is that I truly do care for the schmuck. I really do love him. So why do we bicker so much? I’m conflicted and I really don’t want this blog to center on relationship drama; which is why I’ve abstained from discussing a lot of our non-sexual dalliances on here; both the really good and the bad and have just given general glimpses of the things I’ve wanted to share.

He is a really good guy. He has a very good heart and he is soooo hyper-intelligent. I am amazed at how his mind processes things. Far superior to me in so many ways and yet……. there is a lot of friction between how we both navigate life and how different we see things. Ugghhhhh

Sometimes part of me wants to have complete and total control over him and then others I’m like “I’m fucking exhausted, do I really need another project?”. It’s not quite so cut and dry and simplistic but these are the extremes of it. Last night as we laid in bed he held me in his arms and told me “everything is going to be alright” and I melted like a little girl into his arms and felt the world was absolutely perfect in that moment and today I’ve asked him to order us matching butt plugs from Geek. Lol.

——-

Life is too crazy to live in absolutes. I have no idea what is going to happen. I don’t need my life to be more complicated is all I’ve said from the very beginning. But maybe I need to take my own advice here. I need to just allow the space for ease and take many more deep breaths. Stop overthinking it all. Allow that whatever is happening now is meant to happen or it wouldn’t be happening and then live within the happiness that is available in this moment.

I sometimes hum when I’m doing chores. I tell the kids “if you have to do something do it with a happy heart”. Do your best and do it lovingly; because why not? If you have to do it anyway you may as well find the joy in it. It’s there somewhere!! Maybe this is why people turn so easily to drugs, corruption, violence, anger, hatred and greed. It’s an easy way to find joy. Finding inner happiness takes work sometimes unfortunately.

It does for me at least. So hey….. I’ll take all the help I can get there. It all counts. It all matters. Like Cheri Huber says “How you do one thing, is how you do all things”. If people lived by this motto the world would be a magical place.

But what do I know? Really though… when it comes down to it; I’m just happy to be here. I hope I can say that for 60 years more. That is the true testimant to a good life I think. Living your life so that when the time comes; whenever that may be…. wherever that may take you…. you’re like “yep….It’s A-O.K.”

See you later and thanks for all the fish. πŸ’‹β€οΈπŸ’‹

Taciturn

Going to make myself a fresh pressed juice and add a heavy dose of probiotics. All this gut cleaning has stirred thing up quite a bit and I’m feeling very emotionally scattered. I’m trying to stabilize myself by keeping my mood neutral. I notice how “all over the place” my feelings are right now. If I listen to a sad song I get sad and a happy song I get happy.

So I’m just going to stay focused on the task at hand; whatever that may be and keep moving forward. I’m not taking a look at these emotions because I don’t understand them yet. They may or may not be relevant. So for now I’ll table them; at least until I can attribute them to something substantive and not just general moodiness. I’m probably also PMS’ing. Hooray!

There are some other underlying issues I can’t discuss right now too. Unfortunately my sex life has nothing of interest to offer or I would gladly share it. My eldest daughter has her first boyfriend and isn’t as enthusiastic as I had imagined she would be. The build up to this was probably too much; but then again she’s a low key gal (much like me.) Who knows? I met the young man. Very cute and outgoing. He treats her well. Hopefully he has learned to respect my curfews and restrictions. We shall see.

Picking up my holiday cards tomorrow. I plan on sharing them with you all.

Happy Monday! πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

Someone please have some wild, kinky, hot sex so I can live vicariously. Will ya?? Please!!!