I’ve been a bit adrift today.
Just floating with whatever emotion came my way. A few tears escaped my eyes, a few smiles adorned my face, a couple laughs eminated from my belly: all perfectly acceptable. None purposely sought for, none admonished or praised. I just kind of took it easy on myself. Not to say the world obliged continually, but I tried to let it be. Tried being the keyword there. I forgot to fulfil a promise, I yelled at a slow driver. They can’t all be good days.
Tonight I’m searching for inspiration. I was thinking that I need to open up to accepting help. I’ve always been a very resourceful and hard worker. Probably because I had to be; not a lot got simply handed to me in life. I learned to find a way to get what I wanted and that usually involved a lot of physical and mental ingenuity. I didn’t have time to wait it out. I didn’t have the patience for it either.
Now……I often wait too see what life presents, to see where it wants me. I do most times try to lead but things never quite go exactly how I envision them to, better or worse as that may be.
I have a little bag of rocks with inspirational words on them. I pulled one out tonight to see what I could focus on. The rock said “double happiness”. I had never seen it before. It’s a common Chinese character and verbiage often attached to weddings. Oh God. That threw me a bit. Brad and I discuss marriage fairly often and then keep breaking up. Which hardly seems conducive to it becoming reality.
But I don’t worry. For one it’s more energy than I want to expend and for seconds as any of you following my blogs for any time know….I HATE worrying. Talk about a useless endeavor. If I had to choose between all useless activities I’d rather count the stars in the sky. In comparison to worrying I think that could actually be of value. Give me a few minutes to think of the ways it would be……
Headed into 5 really busy days tomorrow and I haven’t orgasmed since Friday. What good is having a boyfriend if I can’t get fucked and orgasm when I want and need? That wasn’t rhetorical. I honestly don’t have the time or energy to be polyamory but I can definitely see the allure. One day when the kids are off to their own lives maybe I’ll have my one little ranch/farm; with friends and subs and slaves to love and let’s not forget the walking around nakie*. I so love to be nakie.
I was reading an insipirational quote earlier that said “envision your future, set the course, make minor adjustments as needed but let life provide wind for the sail”. But then again; life is what happens when your busy making plans. Lol. Right?
I did stop for a moment and see myself in the sun amidst tall trees in a house set upon the sea and horses I rode on the beach. With acreage to plant and roam and be. I’ve never seen a place in real life like the one I can see clearly in my mind.
However, in my daydreams I am usually alone and…. truthfully as much as I love my solace…as much as I love to ruminate with my thoughts carefree and uninhibited. I also love my fellow human beings, beautiful creatures that we can be when we do things from our deepest center being, when we do things from our heart, when we allow ourselves to be our vulnerable and loving beings.
Double happiness indeed.
I want to walk my walk. I’m just not 100% sure what that is going to take. I guess like all journeys you start somewhere and end up somewhere else… hopefully where you intended or if your lucky…even better.
Do I need an official start? Do I need an official goal? Do I need a clear vision? Do I need a specific plan? None of any of that sounds appealing to me really: not for a spiritual journey.
You now what……
I’m just gonna piss into the wind and hope not all of it falls back onto me. Seems as good a goal as any really. Lol
*Nakie is naked. It’s the way the twins say it in the Rugrats cartoon and movies. They are so cute and funny. I’m a dork. I know.