Cold Shower

I remember recently on my dating spree telling a man to masturbate or take cold showers before dates. This isn’t about that. Lol

This is about an experience I had last week.

I was taking a hot bath. This particular night I got in at a barely tolerable (almost too hot) level but then proceeded once in to turn on the hot water again and get it scalding hot. So hot I was sweating and my head started pounding and aching. I had gone a bit too extreme. So then I decided to do the opposite. I have done the switch before while showering, it helps your adrenals, but a bath is another level completely. In this instance I let 4/5ths of the water out of the tub and replaced it with only cold water.

It wasn’t an ice bath; but wow. My teeth were chattering and I had goose bumps. My headache instantly went away and I felt completely invigorated. Probably the wrong thing to do right before bed. Especially since I had been exhausted all day and was really looking forward to going right to bed after my bath.

Instead I had more than enough energy to play a few games with with the kidlets and have a long deep conversation with the teenager. Actually, I was up until after 2am with energy to spare. So now I have a solution for my “no coffee” dilemma. Guess I know my new ritual before I go out for a night of fun. In fact…maybe I’ll do that tonight. Unfortunately though it is not the most pleasant sensation; especially for me who hates being cold to begin with. But a little bit of physical torture can always be fun. 😉

Still Crazy After All These Years

We are all our own special brand of cray-cray. I can readily admit to mine. I wrestle with it once an a while; but for the most part I leave it alone and just let myself be.

Mostly because I like myself, because people are kind to me and because every boyfriend I’ve ever had going back over 25 years including my best friend in high school has either tried coming back into my life as a love interest and/or professed their true undying love. Literally every single for one and most of them as recently as the last few months. To be fair I’ve only had a handful of serious love affairs, but I’m not marking it as a coincidence. Lol

So yea….I am just me. I don’t profess to be anyone else. Under the right circumstances I can stretch. I’m capable for sure but underneath any games, adventures or grand illusions is just silly little me waiting to have the greatest love affair of all time. No pressure. 😉

John the Electrician

I seem to all of a sudden know a lot of John’s. Interestingly enough; even though it’s a fairly common name I can’t say I’ve been acquainted with hardly any at all in my life and now I must know like 4. Not sure what that’s about; I find it funny.

So John the electrician. Of course he’s married. Not that I like married men. I avoid them like the plague outside of needing to hang out with them, because by the large some of them are pretty fucking dreamy; this John is no exception to that rule. Ruggedly handsome in a very charming and unassuming way, so smart, so attentive and nice. Makes my uterus skip beats.

Not that I want a single more kid coming out of me, but the eggs are still flowing and ugghhh. Just yum, the kind of yum you want to just fall into like a pillow. Yes. That’s it. He feels like a soft billowy cloud that I could just float away on. Feels like he would taste like a fresh, warm biscuit with raw honey and homemade butter. He feels like his love would be luscious.

That was a daydream. Phew. Where was I?

Ummmmm

Yea…married. I DO NOT flirt with married men. Period!! I am completely just myself and maintain professionalism. I do not seek to associate with them outside any given need or happenstance. Irregardless of dreaminess factor. I will tell a wife how dreamy their man is. I’ve only ever had one woman take it as an insult. Mainly I think because she was trying to pawn me off on her brother and I had zero interest. Who knows? Most women agree wholeheartedly with me and we laugh about it.

Hey…I can recognize along with their wife that they are still very much human and full of their own issues; and frankly any man is a pain in the ass. The only difference is whether you love them enough and/or there are enough good reason for it to be worth the hassle. Lol.

Digressed.

He charges me hourly and cheap and he is 100% fair plus parts with receipt. So I need his help and I texted him today. All is fine except the last text says:

“Ok, thanks for texting me back it is always a pleasure😊”

always a pleasure and with a blushing face? I don’t get it. Am I reading into it too much? Who knows? Yes, it is nice to see him too; too nice frankly. Lol

My goodness. I NEED my own man. Ok vibrator where are you?

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Update (same night 1:38am)

Masturbated. Came hard; not to the thought of John but to the thought of my elusive “him”.

Dammit!!! Where are you?

Not a Fool…or am I?

Men!!

It’s a love/hate thing

Hate when you’re breaking my heart

Hate being treated like shit, disrespected or unappreciated

Otherwise everything else is pretty fair to awesome

But ugghhhh. That ex…

He just won’t leave me alone

Two weeks ago he was professing his undying devotion

Right around the time he met Miss Match.com

Now he is supposedly so happy with her

He has started being utterly unbearable with me

I could care less about the girl

In fact I’m downright thrilled he finally will be off my jock

I am not one ounce jealous

What I am is angry that the dynamic has shifted and he’s being a turd now

But why… oh why did he have to send me a Square receipt to my email address this morning for coffee for two from a hipster downtown establishment. Who would go out of their way to do this?

I’m hoping it wasn’t him. I’m hoping it was a man that can’t live without me, a man that’s trying to spark my easily enraged jealous nature, but at the same time…do I?

What does that mean exactly? Ugghhh. I’m all for my love life being fun and sometimes fun means that it keeps you on the tips of your toes and leaves you breathless with anticipation or desire or even a tiny bit of angst. But it should never be this complicated.

Love should be the anchor on the drift of life. A sail to keep you going through turbulent winds. A beautiful oasis to fulfill your deepest desires. A haven for your heart; one you can trust and depend on no matter what.

That’s what love should be first and all else: sex, fun, laughter, camaraderie, companionship, pampering, etc is just the yummy toppings.

I guess some sleuthing is in order. The email included the last 4 of the credit card used. So now…the hunt begins. Hopefully it’s a fun mystery and not some useless tomfoolery. Who has time for that?

I’m not out, just down.

Right now may not be the exact right time for love. Not that I don’t want it. Not that I don’t ache for it. Not that I’m not emotionally ready. Not that I am not completely open to giving my entire love, my entire being to someone; body, heart, soul…because all those are true.

Maybe I just take a step back. Catch my breath from these capsizing waves life seems to be lobbing my way. Regroup myself and keep focusing on being the best me I can be. I still have things to work on…goals to achieve. Not that loving anyone will take away from that. Just that…I have things I can be doing so that when it finally does come I am in a really great place.

I have most boxes checked as far as who I want to be versus who I am. But there is still room for improvement and moving up a couple rungs on the desirability scale. Why not? I could settle. The last 14 years of my life felt like settling. I was beyond miserable. So now I just can’t. I didn’t fight so hard to lose this battle.

Life can be cruel. I was promised nothing. Many go out with less and given worse shakes. Which is why I must, even with this extreme hardship I’m having to endure, be grateful still; even through the tears. I also have to maintain hope. Hope that what I’ve dreamt of and wanted my entire life will appear. That as Cheri Huber says “that which you seek is seeking you”. I have to believe. I just have to.

Call it stupidity or my stubborn Cuban streak. I refuse to give up. I’ll go down swinging and spewing out love even if it’s just a gentle whisper no one can even hear.

Dammit

It’s not like it was a lifelong dream to be an escort. The only reason I even contemplated and pursued escorting was to avoid losing my house and kids. It looks like I may be able to keep the house although I’ll have to rent it out. And by keeping the house I’ll be able to keep the business. But I will not be able to keep my kids. My heart is breaking; literally it feels like that. I’m sure it’s just chest pains from anxiety. These kiddo’s are such a deep part of who I am. I’m so beside myself right now and to deliver them to the man I… the man that…the one person who…ugghhhh.

I can’t bare it.

I have to keep telling myself over and over that it’s a temporary situation. A momentary problem; part of my hard knocks life. I mean hey…why stop the trend? I did everything I did these last two years including the divorce for the kids sake and now I have to…stiff upper lip. Grin and bear it. It will make me stronger…if it doesn’t rip me apart first.

I will work like a dog…12, 14 hour days if I have to to get my business to where it needs to be to get them back. I will stop at nothing. I will not sell my soul or succumb to lying, cheating, manipulation or slimy salesman tactics. I will not do anything illegal. But I will do whatever it takes.

As soon as I rent out the house I won’t have that huge weight on my shoulders and I will take down the escort site. Not like I really put any effort into it. I did get propositioned for sex. I didn’t do it. Why would I? I don’t want to live in that world.

I also don’t want to live in a world without my children though. This is going to be so hard and yet I have to maintain my “mommy is the rock” status for them. I’m sure I will cry like a baby for hours and hours the day they leave. I’ll have to pencil that in. I will be an utter mess.

I half contemplated dating again because well I won’t have that sticky escort thing to think about. I won’t have the kids. Technically my financial situation will be alleviated and I will be able to support myself at the very least. I will have long nights of boredom to look forward to. I just don’t know that my head will be in the right place for dating. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I’ll join a bunch of meet-ups, train vigorously for my 10k and just work, work, work and not worry myself about boys for the time being; however long that may be.

When? Where is the ease? I’ve worked and struggled and sacrificed so much. I’m not giving up, but I am so tired and disheartened right now. Tears. Just tears.

Fun Date & Great Orgasm

The date with Alan was all I expected it to be and then some; fluid. He was charming and regaled me with story upon story of his sexual escapades and business endeavors. He was open to answer all of my questions; no matter how personal. I had fun. We got around to playing a little. It was as sensual as I had imagined. A mere mortal girl would have fallen. We are taking about a $200 dinner, champagne, rooftop romance, everything a girl likes to hear and all the ways she likes to be treated and touched. But I left at midnight and could not put the pedal to the metal hard enough to get to my own bed.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t a comfort to be with. It’s just that…I want more. He told me over dinner that I’m complicating my own sex life. I need to turn it down a few notches and just start by having fun. I found it a bit funny since I thought that’s what I was doing with him; but anyway.

I couldn’t help but recall the other night while masturbating that I was (in my mind) calling out for him who I’m waiting for. All of a sudden his voice came into my head clear as a bell.*

He said “I’m coming as fast as I can”

I laid in bed and continued to masturbate and then I heard his voice again…he said

“I love you”

and the floodgates opened and I came harder and longer than I have in a very, very long time.

The funny thing is…that I feel like I’m the one that isn’t ready. I suppose though that love; true love never takes away from your life it only adds to it. Which is why in my opinion all this talk people spit out about it not being the “right time” or “complicated” or whatever other bullshit is ludicrous to me. The perfect time for love is always NOW. Timing is so rarely truly the issue it’s not even worth mentioning. It is almost always the person, or rather the dynamic at fault.

So….ok. I’m waiting. But know I’m not trying to set anyone up for failure and put too much pressure on this either. I’m the most understanding person I know. I can attest to everyone’s inherent fallibility; especially my own. Perfection even in regards to the “relationship” is not the goal. Genuine understanding, tenderness, passion, trust, devotion and generosity of spirit…

these matter the most; not some mythical superhuman with no flaws or bad habits that will magically make everything perfect by their mere existence. Don’t get me wrong; love does feel a lot like that…but the reality I want is to be to him as much as he is to me. So that said…I am ready.

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*I have in my life had several instances of clairaudio; but so few it’s hard to put credence into it especially since my imagination is so strong and intensely active. A girl can dream though and hope maybe it could be true.