So it’s been 3 weeks since I had sex with my ex boyfriend, thinking we could rekindle at least the part that was really good in the whole thing. I’m not going to be naming him, because he’s no longer part of my life and it feels like naming him gives him more of an anchor there. Which he is no longer entitled to.
He is in the past. And truthfully as good as the sex was those few weeks we did rekindle and as much as I’m grateful to him for taking care of me and the girls during the snowstorm…. I wish we had never restarted things. But oh well.
All this to day that it’s been 3 weeks since we were sexual and that seems to be the limit on my libido. Tonight I’m thinking Tinder or Match? Three dates to sex is so boringly antiquated, but it keeps me safe. Not to say one night stands can’t lead to great relationships. But I know myself. It doesn’t work for me. Maybe I’m not the daredevil I like to believe I am.
Three weeks. I orgasmed this morning, but it wasn’t all that satisfying. A funny thought occured to me. Masturbating at the sex club. Not letting anyone touch me or be near me. Maybe closing a room but opening the drapes. Now that’s hot and that will at least appease my need for sharing the experience. It’s a form of intimacy, albeit not one most people would probably approve of. That does sound devilishly fun. I am tempted…… very tempted. It’s a thought. Something to get me through this dry spell without resorting to casual sex.
So as I try to keep from thinking of sex, I try to veer my thoughts to nothingness and it pops in my head. Am I the best version of me? Not based on my circumstances but based on myself; my inner self. In the entire spectrum of possibilities, if I could change nothing externally.
And I am not sure I like the answer to that. Not that I know definitively. I’m absolutely nowhere near the worst. Lol. But, I think the best version of me has her shit a bit more together. She doesn’t waver. She pursues what she wants and gets it. She doesn’t settle. She is who she believes she wants to be. She works to be that person with perseverance and determination.
Mind you, just writing all that seemed like enough work….let alone doing it. Lol
I crack myself up.