Exactly who I want to be

So I went out with Craig again last night. And when I got home I evaluated the date, as I always do. And I realized that I wasn’t being my genuine self during some of it. Now I came up with several very valid justifications for this.

I strive to be genuine and myself in all circumstances. I try to not wear any masks or hide behind any pretenses. So that I am essentially the same person regardless of my captive audience.

So that I don’t have to say “I don’t like who I am when I’m with you.” or “My bad actions stem from your bad actions.” because that puts the blame on the other person and not on myself where it should be. I should be innately myself regardless of external factors. And if I am being that person then at no point would I stop enjoying who I am, since generally speaking I like myself.

So the conclusion I ultimately drew was that I have to be more myself in general. I have to cement who that is for myself. This takes a lot of inner balance. This takes a lot of self evaluation. It takes a lot of comfort in my own skin skills. So I have work to do here, very clearly.

So a dating hiatus is on the menu. I mean I think I did clarify this for myself a few days ago but I got confirmation that this is the right step for me with that dinner. Boy was it a fabulous meal though. Ho hum.

But it also made me question something. Am I looking for my own soul or am I looking for my soul mate? And by finding myself will I then also find what I’ve been thinking I wanted and needed all along? Will it bring me that person?

I don’t know but like most things I think the answer lies within. So let’s get started.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

6 thoughts on “Exactly who I want to be”

    1. I know who I am to some degree. Kind of like I’ve known I’ve been on this spiritual quest very strongly since I was at least 16. Sooo let’s say that I knew I wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. Which is also true. But let’s say I finally actually pursue it. Go to school for it. Learn myself and my trade inside and out. I don’t know what that full fruition will look like. I have a small glimmer of the possibilities of it is all. I’m mesmerized thinking about my own indeed journey since it has always brought me the most joy (but also the some pain from revisiting and healing old trauma). Still though I know the pain is the distress I cause myself and once it’s healed it’s so miraculous. Life changing.

      So……if I’m accepting this quest….it’s both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

      Meanwhile my dumb ass is talking to a few bois on Fet.😈🀀🀣

      Liked by 1 person

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